babies that need to be stoled away

Teabag Spawn Forced To Stand On CGI Mt. Rushmore, Sing About America

“I’m just a kid…” Okay! So stop! You will be an adult some day, but this will be on the Internet forever! “Available on iTunes.” Oh God.

Kory shore is a singer, songwriter and gifted musician with the talent and charisma to rival that of child performers Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus.

But do those other children sing about birth certificates and redistributive tax policies?!?!?!

This kid in 50 years:

(If he’s not riddled with new orifices and stuffed behind a K Street dumpster in approximately a week, that is.)

The best part of this video, obviously, is when the kid’s stroke-addled old sex offender mentor raps about freedom in the “Fat Usher section.” [Videogum via Gawker]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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    1. Fare la Volpe

      When I looked over on the Suggestions sidebar, the videos considered similar were "Friday" and "Justin Bieber Shot on CSI"

  1. jdoleman

    Judging by the video vis a vi the scale of Mount Rushmore our new patriotic Justin Beiber is 33ft high, eat that Libtards.

    1. Crank_Tango

      hahahaha I made it to 28 seconds, but I have a wicked tooth abscess, so my pain threshold is not what it would normally be. I think it actually made my mouth feel better for half a minute…

      1. anniegetyerfun

        You bitches are LAME. I made it to 1:27 before retching loudly. I WIN!

        Or lose, really, depending on how you look at it.

  2. PsycWench

    Got a few seconds into it and was distracted by a missed lyric opportunity. He should have started wandering around the Founding Fathers singing "I'm just…a kid…who wants…a wig…"

  3. WhatTheHeck

    Fail. Not once dod I see him cavorting with Ronald Raygun or touching Sarah Palin’s Alaska.

    1. MrsBiggTime

      If his mama would have laid off the booze during those nine months he might have stood a chance.

  4. chicken_thief

    Sorry. Couldn't get past the first 30 seconds. Why do I have this feeling that the next news about this little emo shit will be about how bullied he was before swallowed the working end of his dad's .38?

    1. James Michael Curley

      He'll probably fix that with the same remedy the tea baggers propose for all of us. 'A .38 calibre vasectomy.'

  5. elviouslyqueer

    "I'm crying for America, I'm dying for America."

    No, you are a FUCKING 11 YEAR OLD DOUCHE.

    1. Crank_Tango

      hey now, don't discourage the kid. i have no problem with him dying for america, the precious little scamp.

  6. Zombie_Reagan

    You know who else was a "singer, songwriter, and gifted musician" with a bad haircut…

    …yep, Elton John.

  7. poncho_pilot

    conservatives should leave the arts to us pinkos. i've seen paintings by real elephants that are better than this song.

  8. PsycWench

    Could there be cute young female teabagger offspring who swoon over this kid? What do they throw at him, keys to their chastity belts?

    1. genxr

      Whatever happened to those two girls? They dropped out of sight. I think they both hate their mother now.

      1. SorosBot

        I'm hoping they both got revenge on their racist brainwashing parents by getting knocked up by black guys.

  9. ablington

    Oh Gawd, that poor kid. All he wanted to do was play Pokemon on his DSi and watch The Clone Wars, DAD. This is some serious Mommy Dearest shit right here.

  10. JoeBiteme

    The unhinged music teacher mother who forced this "performance" should be put in prison for child abuse.

  11. Grief_Lessons

    No, you're not crying for Amarica, you're crying for you. In thirty years when you've finished working a sixteen-hour day in your union-free plutonium mine and traded your daily foodstamps for White Kasuls and 2 packs a peace cigs, you'll take the bus past the seven-story mansion/bordello where the town's only plutocrat spends all day eating solid gold and doing millions of dollars of cocaine off a stripper's ass (your daughter is the stripper, and gets ten cents an hour).

    You we should cry for, but America will be just fine.

  12. GuanoFaucet

    If Thomas Jefferson were alive today, he would smack the living shit out of this kid's parents.

  13. baconzgood

    "Kory Shore is a singer, songwriter and gifted musician with the talent and charisma to rival that of child performers Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus."

    I don't care how much a douche bag a kid is, that's just WAAAAAAAAY out of bounds.

    (P.S. NOW I'm glad they took away my flash player.)

  14. SayItWithWookies

    That's simply inspirational. In fact, I'm inspired to pay for his mom's next abortion.

        1. Crank_Tango

          I am kinda loving the idea of someone being so pathetic as to just sit on these posts all fucking day and clicking on the little red hands, for every single comment and reply…I mean talk about being a useless human being…
          seriously, I love it.

          please don't kill yourself just yet, loser, you have so much more to give the world.

  15. Barbara_i

    "I'm dying for America" Guess what? I'd let him! Actually, if there is anything I could do to help, just let me know.

      1. Barbara_i

        I've been thinking about this. How does this little shit kid think he's "dying for America?" I'd like to see him sing this crap to Marine who is in physical rehabilatatin to learn to walk again.

        1. V572del c:/*.* y/n?

          Or somebody should take him for a walk near Fisher House at Fort Sam Houston, where he can see how some young wounded people are going to have to live out their lives with their faces disfigured, limbs missing, etc.

          Ha ha! Well, no, not really. Sorry.

        2. SorosBot

          But he says he's "dying for America", not "dying for America's former President's daddy issues and lust for oil".

    1. James Michael Curley

      My sainted mother in law never understood why her grown children and there spouses rushed to the TV when "The Muppet Show" came on.

  16. vodkamuppet

    Hmmm….that sounded like a lot of soaring rhetoric and platitudes without any real substance but that would be very un-teabagger like, so I must not have been listening (I wasn't). Also, this kid has "future twink pooped out of the bottom of the gay porn industry" written all over him.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      Eh. Give him 4 years. He'll meet a rough trick named Jim and start a webcam show to pay for his PCP addiction. Tragic.

  17. poncho_pilot

    if he said he wanted to run for president the Rs would talk about an amendment to remove the age requirement. like they talked about doing on the natural citizen bit when they were hyping Schwanzenegger. downfister is back, i see.

  18. Chillwaver

    "The talent and charisma to rival that of child performers Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus. "

    Can you imagine combining these two into a single teabagger kid? I don't want to.

    1. poncho_pilot

      do you mean genetically? or like at cold stone when they mix two types of ice cream together?

    1. mesothet

      The worst thing is, there is some serious autotune abuse going on in that track, yet somehow he seems off anyway. The glitchyness in the voice that really jumps out at the end of the song and at the end of the first verse betrays some heavy, heavy processing. The poor DSP trying to keep up with what I assume is wild vibrato in the kid's attempt to find a note makes the already unlistenable simply brutal.

      Lesson: Some things even autotune can't fix.

      To be fair to Antares, I think they used some other pitch correction program, because I haven't heard autotune proper track that poorly since that kid was in diapers. No, not last week. I mean regular size diapers.

  19. weejee

    Teabagger playing a Yamaha piano? Mmmmm, Yamaha closed their Thomaston, GA in 2007 & to the best of my knowledge & quick Google are no longer manufactured in the US. Should a for realz patriot give a shit about US jobs, other than the usual sexting jobs?

  20. Amanwithnoplan

    Does anyone else keep seeing Darth Vader instead of George Washington at the beginning?

  21. MinAgain

    Well, that puts to lie the old expression that music hath charms to soothe the savage breast. My breasts are ready to reach up and smack me in the head for clicking on the damn arrow.

  22. widestanceroman

    Just reading comparisons to Beiber/Cyrus, I'd rather pull all of my fingernails out and insert them one after the other into my dick hole than listen or watch this.

    Somebody give this Turd Newton something to cry about.

    1. genxr

      And your children will be taunted by their friends when your video gets circulated around their school.

    1. smokefilledroommate

      They should have had him hanging out of Jefferson's nose, then dropping gingerly into God's red-white-and-blue Tissue of America®.

  23. smokefilledroommate

    He's "dying for America"? Just wait seven or eight years and he can make that a reality, as I'm sure we'll have some middle eastern wars brewing.

  24. Amanwithnoplan

    And I always thought that youngest brother on Malcolm in the Middle was cool, even though he looked like he had one chromosome too many. Not now.

  25. JoshuaNorton

    gifted musician with the talent and charisma….

    Obviously written by someone who doesn't know the meaning of any of those words.

    The Jesus halo thingy effect was a nice touch, though.

  26. Monsieur_Grumpe

    From Youtube comments:

    New Rule: If you are going to ruin your son's future with homeschooling, at least let him leave the house to get a decent haircut first.

  27. JustPixelz

    Here are your lyrics — or post-American modern poetry — as we call it:

    I'm just a kid
    Who wants to know
    Where did all the great men go
    All I see are lying fools
    Tearing up the golden rules
    I wonder where we'll all wind up
    Is my generation out of luck

    I'm crying for America
    I'm dying for America
    To stand back up and spread her wings
    And soar the skies again

    I have my life in front of me
    So tell me now will I be free
    To take my dreams from here to there
    Or will the fabric finally tear
    And rip the future from my hands
    I'm not to young to understand

    I'm crying for America
    I'm dying for America
    To stand back up and spread her wings
    And soar the skies again

    I'm praying for America
    To be a great America
    To stand back up
    And spread her wings
    And soar the skies again

    The propaganda's got to stop
    Don't keep us from the mountain top

    I'm crying for America
    I'm dying for America
    To stand back up and spread her wings
    And soar the skies again

    I'm praying for America
    To be a great America
    To stand back up
    And spread her wings
    And soar the skies again

    My America
    Our America
    Stand back up and spread her wings And soar the skies again

    I'm crying for America
    I'm dying for America
    To tell me if I have a chance to soar.

    1. jus_wonderin

      "To take my dreams from here to there
      Or will the fabric finally tear"

      Hmmm. He wants to be a seamstress????

    2. baconzgood

      You know the first time I heard the Birth of Cool by Miles Davis I was blown away…..This kid just plain blows. His lyrics make Gorkey Park look like Chuck D.

    1. James Michael Curley

      When I first saw that in 1967, I was young enough and naive enough to need to look up a few of the words.

    1. baconzgood

      Isn't there like, I don't know, a musicians' union to keep him from recording? Fucking DAT lets any slob make a demo now a days.

      1. Monsieur_Grumpe

        PRS? Yeah. Mommy and Daddy must have money or it's a stock photo. At that age I was banging on guitar of unknown origin that was impossible to tune, had a tremdous buzzing sound when it wasn't squealing and the strings were at least 2 inches from the neck at the 12th fret. I have suffered.

  28. V572del c:/*.* y/n?

    Just remember that Ashcroft, who lost a Senate election to a dead man, at least had the guts, while practically on his deathbed, to tell Gonzo to go pound sand, he (A'croft) wasn't going to sign that piece of paper 'Berto was waving in front of him to reauthorize Chimpy's unlawful trampling of the 4th Amendment.

    You do wonder where he got the idea he could sing, though.

  29. mourningnmerica

    Let fascism roar
    Cause we deserve it even more
    Than Newt or whatever Nazi whore
    Fox is cramming down our drawers.

    From rocky road to throbbing arse
    Republicans are such a farce
    With nowhere left to hide
    Get out the cyanide
    A-mer-i-ca has run it's course

    The GOP has many fans
    So we'll be eating out of cans
    And I don't mean Rentboy's ass.

  30. smitallica

    "I'm not too young to understand. But I am just old enough to serve as a mouthpiece for my batshit fucktard parents' right-wing lunacy that I've been spoon-fed every day in between church services."

    I'm crying for America, too. Probably for very different reasons than this young man.

  31. Slim_Pickins

    The profound insights of a tween, set to music no less. Something that the imbeciles with sub-90 IQs can lap up. Why isn't he on American Idol?

  32. KeepFnThatChicken

    What I see: Justin Bieber

    What I hear: Dear Mr. Jesus

    What I throw up: Spicy chicken salad with no italian vinaigrette

  33. JustPixelz

    Are you the boss of me? Really! Is this my boss?

    (I found the lyrics on the internets. If I had tried to transcribe from the video I would have clawed my eyes and ears out after the first "soar again".)

    1. SorosBot

      Ew. And Christian rock is pretty lucrative, but as a certain young lady realized it's more lucrative to start singing generic but catchy sexualized pop while showing off your cleavage and filming videos in skimpy outfits.

  34. Gopherit

    Was he even alive when America was great? Wait a second……was I even alive the last time America was great? Even okay-ish?

    That kind of crime against a viola should not go unpunished.

  35. BloviateMe

    Don't know I would call it an anthem or anything, but I really hope this kid is Catholic, so I can root for the buggering priests without that nagging sense of guilt.

  36. fuflans

    hey kid!! if you want to see your future soar and take flight back into the sky again you should think about moving to china.

  37. Fare la Volpe

    I feel so sorry for this poor, beleaguered, home-schooled white male child living in upper-middle class surburbia. Truly he knows the pain of oppression.

    1. SorosBot

      It's the pain of growing knowing that people of his race and gender no longer have quite as many unearned advantages in life as we used to.

  38. MrsBiggTime

    Hey downfister! Nice to see you again! All this talk of effeminite boys got your panties in a wad?

  39. VinnyThePooh

    "I'm dying for America."
    Capital idea! Time to don the boots-n-utes, princess. Pack yer bags for Crapistan!

  40. loulouroo

    I was waiting in the Rite Aid a few days back and Lee Greenwood came on over the Muzak. And several of the creepy Tulane Greek-types started singing along! FUCK ME! There is no hope for the youth of today!

  41. nonbeliever7

    That poor kid. I hope he knows a good catholic priest that can console him through his anxiety issues.

  42. PublicLuxury

    Perhaps this kid could guest star on Gilligan's Island. I'm sure he is the home-schooled apple of his parents eye. eyes?

  43. kissawookiee

    Kickin' on the Lincoln head/ Sittin' on the Washington head/ Gotta make my mind up/ Which head can I take?

    Nope, no less intolerable that way.

  44. Karma_Suture

    I'd like to comment but then my p-ness would be exposed.
    Then the troll would start playing with my p-ness and I hate it when it does that.

    So…. I just won't comment until it has had it's daily fill of p-ness knavery.

  45. undeadgoat

    You don't have to worry about "Where have all the gray men gone," kiddo, you're poorly-lit enough to be a statue.

  46. Left_Leftie

    Where DID all the grey men go???????

    Also this video is quite good when muted. And by good I mean hilariously awful.

  47. Dr_pangloss

    His Liberty is in danger as he sits behind a grand piano in his McMansion. I'm crying tears of sorrow for you kid, but it's not for the reason you think. You overprivilliaged libertarian fuckwit.

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