babies that need to be stoled away

Teabag Spawn Forced To Stand On CGI Mt. Rushmore, Sing About America

Add to Flipboard Magazine.


“I’m just a kid…” Okay! So stop! You will be an adult some day, but this will be on the Internet forever! “Available on iTunes.” Oh God.

Kory shore is a singer, songwriter and gifted musician with the talent and charisma to rival that of child performers Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus.

But do those other children sing about birth certificates and redistributive tax policies?!?!?!

This kid in 50 years:

(If he’s not riddled with new orifices and stuffed behind a K Street dumpster in approximately a week, that is.)

The best part of this video, obviously, is when the kid’s stroke-addled old sex offender mentor raps about freedom in the “Fat Usher section.” [Videogum via Gawker]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • SorosBot

    It's no Friday, that's for sure.

    • horsedreamer_1

      But Rebecca is black.

      So, there can be none more black.

    • Fare la Volpe

      When I looked over on the Suggestions sidebar, the videos considered similar were "Friday" and "Justin Bieber Shot on CSI"

    • Wonketti_Cat

      Thomas Paine and Ben Franklin need to work on their rap game.

  • CliveWarren

    Korny? Shore!

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    What about crying for Good Taste or the lack of it?

  • Callyson

    Look out, Justin Bieber!

  • horsedreamer_1

    I think Lincoln preferred what Booth did to his head.

  • jdoleman

    Judging by the video vis a vi the scale of Mount Rushmore our new patriotic Justin Beiber is 33ft high, eat that Libtards.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Still not tall enough to ride 900 ft Jesus.

      • Fare la Volpe

        Or his Tyrannosaurus mount.

    • Barbara_i

      Doesn't matter how tall he is, his penis is still 2 and a half inches.

  • mourningnmerica

    I give it an 8. It has a good beat, and you can demagogue to it.

  • nounverb911

    When does he get second amendmented by his meth dealer?

  • Tommmcatt

    Oooh, I made it almost a whole 20 seconds.

    • Crank_Tango

      hahahaha I made it to 28 seconds, but I have a wicked tooth abscess, so my pain threshold is not what it would normally be. I think it actually made my mouth feel better for half a minute…

    • MrsBiggTime

      I made it to :27 but I'm heavily opiated today.

      • anniegetyerfun

        You bitches are LAME. I made it to 1:27 before retching loudly. I WIN!

        Or lose, really, depending on how you look at it.

    • PocketsTheClown

      tl;d

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      That's about how long Chris Lee was a congressman I think.

  • PsycWench

    Got a few seconds into it and was distracted by a missed lyric opportunity. He should have started wandering around the Founding Fathers singing "I'm just…a kid…who wants…a wig…"

    • CliveWarren

      I'm just a kid, but like Booth I pop caps,
      I split wigs of beardy dudes in top hats.

      • Tommmcatt

        Wiki-wiki-wiki-WHA!

    • TheMeatmaker

      I'm just a kid who wants a Whig?

  • WhatTheHeck

    Fail. Not once dod I see him cavorting with Ronald Raygun or touching Sarah Palin’s Alaska.

    • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Oh that Alaska, it's such a hairy, er, scary place.

      • MrsBiggTime

        Muskrats all around.

    • bumfug

      I wouldn't touch Sarah Palin's Alaska with your Florida.

  • el_chupacabra

    I feel like my hate of children has finally been substantiated. This is a good day.

    • MrsBiggTime

      If his mama would have laid off the booze during those nine months he might have stood a chance.

  • FNMA

    Jesus Fucking Christ, don't do that to us again!

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    Just waiting for a mountain or a stiff breeze to bounce that young man from the top of the mountain.

  • chicken_thief

    Sorry. Couldn't get past the first 30 seconds. Why do I have this feeling that the next news about this little emo shit will be about how bullied he was before swallowed the working end of his dad's .38?

    • poncho_pilot

      he'll be an hero.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Jared Loughner, welcome to This Is Your Life!

    • Crank_Tango

      or his stepdad's 6"

  • nounverb911

    What is he going to do when he hits puberty?

    • poncho_pilot

      maybe it'll help his singing.

    • James Michael Curley

      He'll probably fix that with the same remedy the tea baggers propose for all of us. 'A .38 calibre vasectomy.'

    • Cicada

      Tell his parents to go fuck themselves, then move in with his boyfriend Ramon.

  • elviouslyqueer

    "I'm crying for America, I'm dying for America."

    No, you are a FUCKING 11 YEAR OLD DOUCHE.

    • Crank_Tango

      hey now, don't discourage the kid. i have no problem with him dying for america, the precious little scamp.

  • aguacatero

    His voice sings of America, but he dresses French.

  • Zombie_Reagan

    You know who else was a "singer, songwriter, and gifted musician" with a bad haircut…

    …yep, Elton John.

    • baconzgood

      Paul Anka?

  • memzilla

    Emo wingtard is emo.

  • poncho_pilot

    conservatives should leave the arts to us pinkos. i've seen paintings by real elephants that are better than this song.

  • El Pinche

    Is it wrong that I masturbated to this? I feel so squirmish now.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Mark Foley? That you?

    • mourningnmerica

      You think you got problems? I masturbated to the Ashcroft video.

      • El Pinche

        HA!

  • PsycWench

    Could there be cute young female teabagger offspring who swoon over this kid? What do they throw at him, keys to their chastity belts?

    • poncho_pilot

      nah, they all have retinal scanners on them these days.

  • SorosBot

    He should do a team-up with those Prussian Blue white supremacist twin singers.

    • GuanoFaucet

      Or the wacist pundit kid. They could do a variety show.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Vawiety

    • genxr

      Whatever happened to those two girls? They dropped out of sight. I think they both hate their mother now.

      • SorosBot

        I'm hoping they both got revenge on their racist brainwashing parents by getting knocked up by black guys.

  • FNMA

    OK, Kory, show us on the doll where the man at CPAC touched you.

  • ablington

    Oh Gawd, that poor kid. All he wanted to do was play Pokemon on his DSi and watch The Clone Wars, DAD. This is some serious Mommy Dearest shit right here.

  • EdFlintstone

    The conservatives will eat this up faster than you can say Lee Greenwood.

  • JoeBiteme

    The unhinged music teacher mother who forced this "performance" should be put in prison for child abuse.

  • Grief_Lessons

    No, you're not crying for Amarica, you're crying for you. In thirty years when you've finished working a sixteen-hour day in your union-free plutonium mine and traded your daily foodstamps for White Kasuls and 2 packs a peace cigs, you'll take the bus past the seven-story mansion/bordello where the town's only plutocrat spends all day eating solid gold and doing millions of dollars of cocaine off a stripper's ass (your daughter is the stripper, and gets ten cents an hour).

    You we should cry for, but America will be just fine.

    • jus_wonderin

      and cakes we like?

      • Grief_Lessons

        Slather those cakes with musturd and 3 ketchups and we've got a deal.

    • genxr

      Sure life will be hell, but if it annoys the Democrats, then it's fine by me.

  • GuanoFaucet

    If Thomas Jefferson were alive today, he would smack the living shit out of this kid's parents.

  • baconzgood

    "Kory Shore is a singer, songwriter and gifted musician with the talent and charisma to rival that of child performers Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus."

    I don't care how much a douche bag a kid is, that's just WAAAAAAAAY out of bounds.

    (P.S. NOW I'm glad they took away my flash player.)

    • SorosBot

      Not to mention that it's wrong – Cyrus is not a child anymore.

  • SayItWithWookies

    That's simply inspirational. In fact, I'm inspired to pay for his mom's next abortion.

  • PsycWench

    Downfister on the move!

    • baconzgood

      How he can downfist us for making fun of this is beyond me.

      • jus_wonderin

        We have to understand it is probably beyond him too.

        • Crank_Tango

          I am kinda loving the idea of someone being so pathetic as to just sit on these posts all fucking day and clicking on the little red hands, for every single comment and reply…I mean talk about being a useless human being…
          seriously, I love it.

          please don't kill yourself just yet, loser, you have so much more to give the world.

          • baconzgood

            …Or to take away. I bet he's alot like the Kid's in the Hall "Crush your head" guy.

  • Barbara_i

    "I'm dying for America" Guess what? I'd let him! Actually, if there is anything I could do to help, just let me know.

    • V572del c:/*.* y/n?

      Send some relatives to go visit him.

      • Barbara_i

        I've been thinking about this. How does this little shit kid think he's "dying for America?" I'd like to see him sing this crap to Marine who is in physical rehabilatatin to learn to walk again.

        • V572del c:/*.* y/n?

          Or somebody should take him for a walk near Fisher House at Fort Sam Houston, where he can see how some young wounded people are going to have to live out their lives with their faces disfigured, limbs missing, etc.

          Ha ha! Well, no, not really. Sorry.

        • SorosBot

          But he says he's "dying for America", not "dying for America's former President's daddy issues and lust for oil".

  • baconzgood

    Needs Moar PedoBear.

  • facehead

    Both vids made me feel a bit squirmish.

    • genxr

      I have to wonder. Is this a warblog or a squirmish?

  • aguacatero
    • James Michael Curley

      My sainted mother in law never understood why her grown children and there spouses rushed to the TV when "The Muppet Show" came on.

  • vodkamuppet

    Hmmm….that sounded like a lot of soaring rhetoric and platitudes without any real substance but that would be very un-teabagger like, so I must not have been listening (I wasn't). Also, this kid has "future twink pooped out of the bottom of the gay porn industry" written all over him.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Eh. Give him 4 years. He'll meet a rough trick named Jim and start a webcam show to pay for his PCP addiction. Tragic.

  • poncho_pilot

    if he said he wanted to run for president the Rs would talk about an amendment to remove the age requirement. like they talked about doing on the natural citizen bit when they were hyping Schwanzenegger. downfister is back, i see.

  • SexySmurf

    "I'm dying for the buttsechs. I'm crying for the buttsechs"

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    “Is our generation out of luck?”
    Yes apparently.

  • jus_wonderin

    Is Teddy giving him head?

  • James Michael Curley

    Still waiting!

  • Chillwaver

    "The talent and charisma to rival that of child performers Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus. "

    Can you imagine combining these two into a single teabagger kid? I don't want to.

    • poncho_pilot

      do you mean genetically? or like at cold stone when they mix two types of ice cream together?

      • jus_wonderin

        I think he means like using the Large Hadron Collider.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        How about two properly aimed and calibrated catapults?

  • SexySmurf

    This is why auto-tune was invented.

    • jus_wonderin

      "Do you believe, believe, believe in life after love, love, love"

    • mesothet

      The worst thing is, there is some serious autotune abuse going on in that track, yet somehow he seems off anyway. The glitchyness in the voice that really jumps out at the end of the song and at the end of the first verse betrays some heavy, heavy processing. The poor DSP trying to keep up with what I assume is wild vibrato in the kid's attempt to find a note makes the already unlistenable simply brutal.

      Lesson: Some things even autotune can't fix.

      To be fair to Antares, I think they used some other pitch correction program, because I haven't heard autotune proper track that poorly since that kid was in diapers. No, not last week. I mean regular size diapers.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Teabagger playing a Yamaha piano? Mmmmm, Yamaha closed their Thomaston, GA in 2007 & to the best of my knowledge & quick Google are no longer manufactured in the US. Should a for realz patriot give a shit about US jobs, other than the usual sexting jobs?

  • Amanwithnoplan

    Does anyone else keep seeing Darth Vader instead of George Washington at the beginning?

  • MinAgain

    Well, that puts to lie the old expression that music hath charms to soothe the savage breast. My breasts are ready to reach up and smack me in the head for clicking on the damn arrow.

    • LiveToServeYa

      Next time, listen to your boobs. They speak wisdom. In dialog, even.

  • widestanceroman

    Just reading comparisons to Beiber/Cyrus, I'd rather pull all of my fingernails out and insert them one after the other into my dick hole than listen or watch this.

    Somebody give this Turd Newton something to cry about.

  • PsycWench

    And twenty years down the line, you WILL be taunted by your own children.

    • genxr

      And your children will be taunted by their friends when your video gets circulated around their school.

  • metamarcisf

    Who's the nitwit standing on Alexander Hamilton's head?

    • smokefilledroommate

      They should have had him hanging out of Jefferson's nose, then dropping gingerly into God's red-white-and-blue Tissue of America®.

    • aguacatero

      That's Theodore Roosevelt — and he's not nice when he's angry.

  • baconzgood

    I want to see the Hulkster kick this kid's ass
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PAU3iINiLCE

  • jus_wonderin

    Does he like movies about gladiators?

  • smokefilledroommate

    He's "dying for America"? Just wait seven or eight years and he can make that a reality, as I'm sure we'll have some middle eastern wars brewing.

    • SorosBot

      Brewing? The current wars won't be over with that soon.

  • Amanwithnoplan

    And I always thought that youngest brother on Malcolm in the Middle was cool, even though he looked like he had one chromosome too many. Not now.

  • JoshuaNorton

    gifted musician with the talent and charisma….

    Obviously written by someone who doesn't know the meaning of any of those words.

    The Jesus halo thingy effect was a nice touch, though.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    From Youtube comments:

    New Rule: If you are going to ruin your son's future with homeschooling, at least let him leave the house to get a decent haircut´╗┐ first.

  • DemmeFatale

    Downfister ahoy!!

    • V572del c:/*.* y/n?

      He/she's one of my followers now. Yay!

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    Here are your lyrics — or post-American modern poetry — as we call it:

    I'm just a kid
    Who wants to know
    Where did all the great men go
    All I see are lying fools
    Tearing up the golden rules
    I wonder where we'll all wind up
    Is my generation out of luck

    I'm crying for America
    I'm dying for America
    To stand back up and spread her wings
    And soar the skies again

    I have my life in front of me
    So tell me now will I be free
    To take my dreams from here to there
    Or will the fabric finally tear
    And rip the future from my hands
    I'm not to young to understand

    I'm crying for America
    I'm dying for America
    To stand back up and spread her wings
    And soar the skies again

    I'm praying for America
    To be a great America
    To stand back up
    And spread her wings
    And soar the skies again

    The propaganda's got to stop
    Don't keep us from the mountain top

    I'm crying for America
    I'm dying for America
    To stand back up and spread her wings
    And soar the skies again

    I'm praying for America
    To be a great America
    To stand back up
    And spread her wings
    And soar the skies again

    My America
    Our America
    Stand back up and spread her wings And soar the skies again

    I'm crying for America
    I'm dying for America
    To tell me if I have a chance to soar.

    • jus_wonderin

      "To take my dreams from here to there
      Or will the fabric finally tear"

      Hmmm. He wants to be a seamstress????

    • baconzgood

      You know the first time I heard the Birth of Cool by Miles Davis I was blown away…..This kid just plain blows. His lyrics make Gorkey Park look like Chuck D.

    • PsycWench

      Whole lotta spreading going on.

  • El Pinche

    Fuck GarageBand. Also iMovie.

  • SorosBot

    "Sodomy" from Hair, maybe?

    • James Michael Curley

      When I first saw that in 1967, I was young enough and naive enough to need to look up a few of the words.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Hey he's got a crappy website! http://www.koryshore.com/
    Be nice.

    • baconzgood

      Isn't there like, I don't know, a musicians' union to keep him from recording? Fucking DAT lets any slob make a demo now a days.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      At least the PRS guitar appears to be home-grown. Spendy, but home-grown.

      • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

        PRS? Yeah. Mommy and Daddy must have money or it's a stock photo. At that age I was banging on guitar of unknown origin that was impossible to tune, had a tremdous buzzing sound when it wasn't squealing and the strings were at least 2 inches from the neck at the 12th fret. I have suffered.

        • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

          For me it was a used Silvertone acoustic, but still plunkin' after all these years.

  • V572del c:/*.* y/n?

    Just remember that Ashcroft, who lost a Senate election to a dead man, at least had the guts, while practically on his deathbed, to tell Gonzo to go pound sand, he (A'croft) wasn't going to sign that piece of paper 'Berto was waving in front of him to reauthorize Chimpy's unlawful trampling of the 4th Amendment.

    You do wonder where he got the idea he could sing, though.

  • mourningnmerica

    Let fascism roar
    Cause we deserve it even more
    Than Newt or whatever Nazi whore
    Fox is cramming down our drawers.

    From rocky road to throbbing arse
    Republicans are such a farce
    With nowhere left to hide
    Get out the cyanide
    A-mer-i-ca has run it's course

    The GOP has many fans
    So we'll be eating out of cans
    And I don't mean Rentboy's ass.

  • Hatrabbit

    "I'm crying for America, I'm dying for America" Shame will do that to you.

  • mavenmaven

    "where did all the great men go"? Mark Foley would like to show you…

    Incidentally, there are the obligatory spelling errors on the lyrics page: http://www.reverbnation.com/artist/song_details/7

  • Hatrabbit

    Wait … What? Did Justin Bieber have Michele Bachmann's baby?

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Worst "It Gets Better" video. Evar.

  • smitallica

    "I'm not too young to understand. But I am just old enough to serve as a mouthpiece for my batshit fucktard parents' right-wing lunacy that I've been spoon-fed every day in between church services."

    I'm crying for America, too. Probably for very different reasons than this young man.

  • Slim_Pickins

    The profound insights of a tween, set to music no less. Something that the imbeciles with sub-90 IQs can lap up. Why isn't he on American Idol?

    • aguacatero

      Somehow I suspect that these insights didn't originate with the tween.

  • Hatrabbit

    This is number one with a bullet on Mark Foley's ipod list.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    What I see: Justin Bieber

    What I hear: Dear Mr. Jesus

    What I throw up: Spicy chicken salad with no italian vinaigrette

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    Are you the boss of me? Really! Is this my boss?

    (I found the lyrics on the internets. If I had tried to transcribe from the video I would have clawed my eyes and ears out after the first "soar again".)

  • Gopherit

    He has a promising career in Christian rock…..Jesus Jesus spray your love on me…

    • SorosBot

      Ew. And Christian rock is pretty lucrative, but as a certain young lady realized it's more lucrative to start singing generic but catchy sexualized pop while showing off your cleavage and filming videos in skimpy outfits.

  • Guppy06

    Cary Grant did it better.

  • __kth__

    Me too, kid, but the tears on my cheeks are from laughter.

    • jus_wonderin

      Me too. And who knew I could bend like that?

  • __kth__

    Also Mark Foley is really rattling that corner table at Starbucks right now.

  • Gopherit

    Was he even alive when America was great? Wait a second……was I even alive the last time America was great? Even okay-ish?

    That kind of crime against a viola should not go unpunished.

  • BloviateMe

    Don't know I would call it an anthem or anything, but I really hope this kid is Catholic, so I can root for the buggering priests without that nagging sense of guilt.

  • fuflans

    hey kid!! if you want to see your future soar and take flight back into the sky again you should think about moving to china.

  • hagajim

    Do we now have to rename our monument Mount Douchemore?

  • __kth__

    gone to young boys, every one
    when will they ever learn?

  • Fare la Volpe

    I feel so sorry for this poor, beleaguered, home-schooled white male child living in upper-middle class surburbia. Truly he knows the pain of oppression.

    • SorosBot

      It's the pain of growing knowing that people of his race and gender no longer have quite as many unearned advantages in life as we used to.

  • MrsBiggTime

    Hey downfister! Nice to see you again! All this talk of effeminite boys got your panties in a wad?

    • Fare la Volpe

      No, but seeing the nubile 14-year-old left a different wad in his panties.

  • VinnyThePooh

    "I'm dying for America."
    Capital idea! Time to don the boots-n-utes, princess. Pack yer bags for Crapistan!

  • http://wonkette.com WordSaladNation

    Shit, it's better than the new Coldplay album.

    • http://wonkette.com WordSaladNation

      I got my downfisting cherry popped! SCORE!

  • http://eldonaldo.com el_donaldo

    Jump, not-Bieber, jump! Bieber can jump, too, really.

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/FlipOffResearch FlipOffResearch

    Boy oing!

  • loulouroo

    I was waiting in the Rite Aid a few days back and Lee Greenwood came on over the Muzak. And several of the creepy Tulane Greek-types started singing along! FUCK ME! There is no hope for the youth of today!

  • iburl

    "I'm dyin' for America"
    So, the kid has plans to be a suicide bomber?

  • aguacatero

    Nobody stands on TR's head.

  • nonbeliever7

    That poor kid. I hope he knows a good catholic priest that can console him through his anxiety issues.

  • anniegetyerfun

    What the fuck is with conservatives and fake ficus trees?

  • V572del c:/*.* y/n?

    Racist pundit kid: it's your move.

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    That should be iPecac.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

      Brilliant!

  • bokononista

    instead of "… out of luck.", a more poetic rhyming would have been "We are Fucked!"

  • http://strangestoriesaboutsadpeople.blogspot.com/ Thedongsofwar

    YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO DIE FOR AMERICA!

  • PublicLuxury

    Perhaps this kid could guest star on Gilligan's Island. I'm sure he is the home-schooled apple of his parents eye. eyes?

  • kissawookiee

    Kickin' on the Lincoln head/ Sittin' on the Washington head/ Gotta make my mind up/ Which head can I take?

    Nope, no less intolerable that way.

  • not that Dewey
  • anniegetyerfun

    You can cry for America, kid, but I cry for your future sex life.

  • Karma_Suture

    I'd like to comment but then my p-ness would be exposed.
    Then the troll would start playing with my p-ness and I hate it when it does that.

    So…. I just won't comment until it has had it's daily fill of p-ness knavery.

  • Craig

    Christian rock has sure gotten creepy. Where's Pedobear when we need him?

  • HelmutNewton

    He's like a white trash, no-talent Justin Bieber. Oh, wait…

  • Nopantsmcgee

    Where's the bullies when you need them?

  • undeadgoat

    You don't have to worry about "Where have all the gray men gone," kiddo, you're poorly-lit enough to be a statue.

  • http://wonkette.com wsbloodystump

    Well…Katy Perry started out as a Christian singer so maybe….oh noes

  • ttommyunger

    Cute kid. He has about the same odds for a full life as Michael Fucking Jackson did.

  • Left_Leftie

    Where DID all the grey men go???????

    Also this video is quite good when muted. And by good I mean hilariously awful.

  • SonofSpermcube

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omx7u0ZWUAY

    Apparently that is the song that qualifies his dad as a "Top 10 Producer."

  • hilacious

    When Twilight & Wingtards collide.

  • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista
  • http://wonkette.com Dr_pangloss

    His Liberty is in danger as he sits behind a grand piano in his McMansion. I'm crying tears of sorrow for you kid, but it's not for the reason you think. You overprivilliaged libertarian fuckwit.