Why Didn’t Obama Just Tell Us He Thinks Libya Is a ‘Turd Sandwich’?

  victory through the bathroom

Turding the future!When President Obama was faced with the situation in Libya, he didn’t actually have any good options. If he and other wealthy countries decided not to intervene at all, multitudes of people in rebel-held cities would have been slaughtered on their watch. That’s the sort of thing that tends to happen in civil wars, but still. If he decided to invade Libya all-out and depose Gaddafi, he would have plunged the country into another quagmire in a foreign land with no end in sight, even though doing that apparently gets you re-elected. The choice he made, a compromise to simply shoot some Gaddafi targets from the air and just hope, privately, that he eventually falls, is not a good decision either, and that’s why it’s easy for just about everyone, from this blog to a person who thinks “squirmish” is a word, to criticize him. But it turns out Obama actually agrees he had no good option, calling the set of choices available a “turd sandwich” in a meeting. Why couldn’t he just tell the American public that?

Obama likes to pretend this war is a minor decision. That’s why he didn’t bother talking about it to the American people for a week, and when he finally did, he just delivered a flat speech in the Wheel of Fortune time slot attempting to downplay the situation. And then, surprise, the polls show a drop in his approval ratings and low support for this war.

Obama can no longer use his Hope and Change message in speeches because he’s president now and that stuff is supposed to be happening. So there’s a vacuum in what he says, and it’s been filled with a vague optimism. But sometimes people just want to hear the truth for once. And leveling with the public about the actual nature of the situation in a pragmatic “turd sandwich” message would have given the speech coherence and real purpose instead of it just being a collection of warmed-over rhetoric about freedom and humanity. Sometimes we need our president to tell us his job and the world and life in general is crappy and there are some things he can’t make all nice for us. And you know what would happen if Obama did that? Many, many people would totally understand!

Here:

“We were dealt a pile of complete shit, and the only way out of it is trying to pick up the shit. There were three options for doing this, and all of them were bad and would end up getting at least some shit on our stuff. I had to pick one, so I did. We may have to switch that strategy in the coming days and put even more effort into this so we don’t get shit all over the fucking place, so don’t get all pissy, but that’s the one I’m going with right now. I’m sorry somebody put this shit here. Hopefully we can get it picked up eventually. God bless America or whatever.”

The end. Greatest speech in the history of American rhetoric.

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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96 comments

  1. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    On par with the Gettysburg Address, Dr. King's I Have A Dream speech or Palin's Blood Libel Youtube thing. August company, Mr. Stuef.

  2. Hatrabbit

    Way to beat McDonald's to the punch, they were set to release the McTurd in early April.

    Why do you seek to undermine American business Mr Obama?

  3. baconzgood

    That speech is remarkably close to a conversation I had two weeks ago with my neighbor regarding his dog.

  4. MinAgain

    Next up on the President's legislative agenda, an appropriations bill to fund a giant pooper scooper.

    1. riverside68

      Brought to you by Raytheon and Boeing!
      For only $4.6879 Gazzilion plus or minus a gulf stream, you gonna be able to scoop poop anywhere anytime.
      We promise . . sorta, kinda, ah not really. But give us the money and you can have back 0.00001% for your next campaign, as long as you spend it on GE and Fox media.

  5. SayItWithWookies

    Well, you go to war against the world you have, not against the world you would like to have.

        1. poncho_pilot

          if they have time to go gallivanting around on the internets then they have time to live up to their Christian duty and work. i don't care if they're only 4 years old: no more lollygagging! looters! to the workhouse with you!

    1. AutomaticPilot

      It worked out so well for Paul Tsongas in 1992. I mean, look where he is now! Oops, dead of cancer….

      1. MadBrahms

        I doesn't really matter if they want the truth or not. America CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH. (/Tom Cruise)

  6. Crank_Tango

    wait wait wait, just fucking wait. this is a blog? where is all the fart-sniffing, self-congratulatory writing only a mother could love/read?

    Please cancel my subscription immediately, but I am keeping my complimentary trucknutz.

  7. proudgrampa

    That fissured bunghole is gonna give me nightmares!

    Would you like lettuce and tomato on that sandwich? Also.

  8. Callyson

    We were dealt a pile of complete shit, and the only way out of it is trying to pick up the shit.
    Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the 2012 Democratic Party platform.

  9. Hatrabbit

    "he just delivered a flat speech in the Wheel of Fortune time slot attempting to downplay the situation"

    T*rd S*ndwic*

    I'd like to buy a bowel.

  10. OvertonWindolt

    It seems as if 2011 has been one giant commercial for why you should kill yoruself already.

  11. SexySmurf

    He and his cabinet also probably prance around naked snapping wet towels at each others' asses while screaming and cackling like over-excited high school girls.

    Not since Rahm left.

  12. poncho_pilot

    i think even in a depression you could have both. you can even make bread with the flour you sweep off the floor of a boxcar. go ahead, treat yourself!

  13. Gopherit

    Simple, really. When your politician tells you it's a turd sandwich, they are saying everyone has to take a bite. You have to make it sound more appetizing…..like calling it a Whopper or something.

  14. SexySmurf

    A turd sandwich doesn't sound appetizing, but it would probably taste better than anything you could get at Subway.

  15. poncho_pilot

    no. no, Major —— de Coverley for us. just more Milo Minderbinders, Col. Cathcarts, and Lt. Scheisskopfs. until the end of time. which might be next year.

  16. CrankyLttlCamperette

    It's about time we got a little Chicago up in there. I'll bet the obscenity quotient has plummeted since Rahm left.

  17. SorosBot

    Considering that Fox is the most popular "news" network, about 85% of the population is religious, and people continue to stick their head in the sands and ignore the fact that global warming isn't just a prediction but actually happening right now, I think Jack may sadly be wrong about people, at least Americans, wanting to hear the truth.

    1. Nopantsmcgee

      I was wondering what population Jack was talking about. Has he lived in the US very long?

  18. Jim89048

    he just delivered a flat speech in the Wheel of Fortune time slot
    As long as Vanna got paid, I don't think there's a victim here.

    Oh, wait…

  19. Zvi_Bleindmeis

    And you know what would happen if Obama did that? Many, many people would totally understand!

    I don't think so, Jack. If John McCain did that, many people would think the old straight-talker was back. If W did that, people would be surprised but impressed. But if Obama did that, it would be EXACTLY like it is now. Because Americans either think he is a Kenyan moolie, or they think he should be Dumbledore.

  20. Jim89048

    he just delivered a flat speech in the Wheel of Fortune time slot

    As long as Vanna got paid, I don't see who's the victim here.

    Oh, wait…

  21. widestanceroman

    Well, to be fair, the man has been served nothing but turd sandwiches, turd soups, turd chips, and turd ice cream with dingle sprinkles since he took office. The fact that none of them seem very polished should be a surprise to no one.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      She's forty, if not mistaken. Definite cougar-in-waiting.

      (No kids, though. So, not a milf.)

  22. poncho_pilot

    i'd like the triple stack turd sandwich Colonossus combo. yes, with cheese and bacon and a coke. go lardge on that combo for 50 cents extra? sure.

  23. randcoolcatdaddy

    My heart goes out to you, Obama – "turd sandwich" is pretty much how I describe my job and career options at the moment…

  24. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Yes, I remember how well the people responded when Walter Mondale told them that, yes, he would raise taxes, but so would Reagan.

    In the end, isn't it better that Obama do the right thing, but give sop to the idiots who will criticize everything he says, then he does nothing and says why very well? This is not a perfect situation, but for the first time since Kosovo, at least we are fighting for the right reasons. Doesn't make everything better, but it is a lot better than Bush and "If we don't bomb brown people, the terrorist win, because they hate our freedom."

      1. LetUsBray

        I thought doing it right was, if the prez doesn't do things exactly the way you want, you throw a shit fit, call him morally weak, and carry on about "Bush's third term"?

      1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Tim Pawlenty carried MN. Marion Barry carried DC, Twice. I'm just saying that might not have been America's greatest moment.

        1. riverside68

          I'm wit ya dude. Anytime you got less than the other guy in an election you lost.
          50.00001% of the voting population is not ready for the truth, they can't handle the truth. The truth is while I weep for Sanchez, I do not regret his death . . . opps OT

  25. Chillwaver

    Libya IS a Turd Sandwich. Interestingly enough, it also happens to be ruled by a Giant Douche.

  26. Zvi_Bleindmeis

    I hate to be the turd (sandwich) in the punchbowl, but I think Barack may not have been the one to drop the t-bomb. The first time I heard about this last night, maybe on Maddow, it was an aide or someone who supposedly made the quip. And if you read what Savannah (or Charlotte or Murfreesboro, or whatever her name is) said, her referent seems to be dangling. Or at least ambiguous:

    ‘And the President is obviously not happy with his set of choices. One person told me, in a meeting he called this military action in Libya a ‘turd sandwich’ but he was quoting one of his national security aides who likes to use that term.’

  27. Cicada

    You aren't allowed to be truthful, you just aren't. People want sunshine and rainbows and unicorn farts sprinkled all over their "America is Number 1" ice cream.
    And if you don't provide it, a lot of people will scream about how you made them feel bad, and how that proves you want to sell white fetuses into slavery or something. Sad but true.

  28. Nopantsmcgee

    Actually, I thought Obama did say in his speech that there were no good choices here.

  29. Oblios_Cap

    Sometimes we need our president to tell us his job and the world and life in general is crappy and there are some things he can’t make all nice for us. And you know what would happen if Obama did that? Many, many people would totally understand!

    You're confusing Americans with citizens of a civilized country. Some of us would understand, but the TeaTards and Wal-Mart crowd would drown us out quite handily.

  30. donner_froh

    "But sometimes people just want to hear the truth for once."

    True. If Clinton had just told the American people "I got my dick sucked by a fat intern and I didn't have to pay for it" Al Gore would have been elected President.

  31. riverside68

    Fuck democracy.
    Not that anyone has come up with something that works even half as well.
    Law to Justice = medicine to immortality = democracy to _______?

  32. hagajim

    Face it – the entire middle east is like a huge anus and because we are buried in it up to our elbows we might get pinched while they have this giant assgasm…hell we may even catch some spray. I know I don't like it even a little.

  33. Chet Kincaid

    Doesn't justify your bullshit speech liveblog. You guys have been criticizing him for every option, which is different than saying there are no good options.

  34. Pres[ $ rm -r * ]

    Y SO SRS, Wonkett?

    This is starting to read like DKos. We come here for the trucknutz and stay for the Teatard idiocy, and Ken's daily anti-corn-syrup and Hoveround jeremiads. At this rate I won't make to the Rapture on 5/21/11; I'll have slit my wrists before then.

  35. Negropolis

    I'll take the reduction from Hope & Change to vague optimism over the feeling I had during the Dubya presidency which ranged from "OMG! A terrorist is waiting in my closet and will kill me in my sleep!" to "OMG! We're, like, this close to starting WWIII with Iran!"

    I know it sucks having to choose between undefined and vague disappoint or existential hysteria, but it's all we got. Maybe, if the legislature ever decides that it's OK with Obama being black and acknowledges him as an equal and legitimate human being, we can actually dream and do shit, again. Until then, we're at the worst kind of stalemate.

    Our political system will have to change before we can ever again get folks in the executive's office that will be able to do anything, again. Even well-meaning people can't be successful in the current system and climate. I look at someone like Sherrod Brown and can't help but to pity him. He is way, way, way too good for the current system.

  36. zhubajie

    It was not necessary to pick up this turd sandwich. There are lots of turd sandwiches around the world that we are not picking up. This should have been one of them.

  37. LocalGirlMakesGoo

    Who will be my hero now?

    From the sound of that rant, I'm guessing maybe your coke dealer?

  38. chicken_thief

    Isn't Joe DiMagio still looking for all the guys that porked MM, pausing occasionally to hawk some low end coffee makers?

  39. SorosBot

    If you want a hero, better stick to the TV, movies and books; any in the real world always turn out to have feet of clay.

  40. Limeylizzie

    I can't believe I'm the only one that wishes , just this one time, that she was Hillary?

  41. RociStone

    Obama doesn't need to cuss like a sailor in Private. He needs to stand up and start doing it in Public.

Comments are closed.