BENDER  11:11 am March 30, 2011

Antonin Scalia Unable To Kill Anybody In Car ‘Accident’

by Jack Stuef

Filming a new Fast and the Furious movie, obviously.How Antonin Scalia has managed to drive himself around in traffic this long without giving into his urge to deliver a vehicular capital-punishment verdict to fellow motorists is beyond us, but apparently he did cause a four-car accident on the George Washington Parkway yesterday, and to his probable dismay, there were no casualties. According to a witness who, because this is Washington, is a former reporter herself, Scalia slammed his “shiny black BMW” (the official vehicle of wannabe Nazi Darth Vaders, probably) into the back of the car in front of him, which then pushed two more cars into the next lane, causing, again, zero fatalities. Better luck next time, Scalia.

Scalia was in a dress shirt, no jacket, with an unknotted bowtie hanging around his neck — and, interestingly enough, turned out to be driving himself. The car in front of his appeared pretty badly banged up, the other two less so. Scalia made it to the bench, though, in time for arguments at 10 a.m., a court spokeswoman said.

Did his undo his bow tie so he could choke somebody with it? Article doesn’t say, unfortunately.

No doubt in Salkoff’s mind that Scalia was at fault, as the driver who failed to brake. “I think that’s an originalist interpretation,” she quipped. Indeed, said the Park Police’s Sgt. David Schlosser, the justice got a ticket for following too closely. Fine: $70, plus a $20 special assessment, or, said Schlosser, “he can contest it in court.”

Or he can have the park policeman fired and thrown in jail and lose his house when the government decides it needs to sell it to a corporation that won the political offices for which it ran.

No word if Scalia returned to the GW Parkway today to “finish the job.” [WP]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 80 comments }

donner_froh March 30, 2011 at 11:15 am

Scalia attended the Michael Novak School of Safe Driving.

mnotrtoo March 30, 2011 at 11:18 am
donner_froh March 30, 2011 at 11:27 am

Indeed it is.

mnotrtoo March 30, 2011 at 11:41 am

In this case we may find that it wasn't a tumor but some kind earwig that has been planted there since the early 80's.

Come here a minute March 30, 2011 at 11:31 am

You're making me think bad thoughts about Scalia.

Thanks!

Sue4466 March 30, 2011 at 11:15 am

Of course, when they sue him and "take it all the way to the Supreme Court," Scalia will refuse to recuse himself and deny any conflict of interest.

Schmannnity March 30, 2011 at 11:16 am

Distracted driving while sexting with Ginnie Thomas.

elviouslyqueer March 30, 2011 at 11:20 am

With an unknotted bowtie? I'm thinking he was getting a hummer from Tucker Carlson.

MrsBiggTime March 30, 2011 at 11:26 am

I love hummers as much as the next guy, but that Tucker image just harshed my buzz.

SorosBot March 30, 2011 at 11:22 am

Ew ew ew ew ew.

elviouslyqueer March 30, 2011 at 11:25 am

Distracted driving while sexting with Ginnie Clarence Thomas.

Fixed, also.

CrankyLttlCamperette March 30, 2011 at 11:54 am

Totally one-sided: Clarence was silent, as usual…

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 30, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Great. Who is going to clean up the vomit around my desk now?

Redhead March 30, 2011 at 11:17 am

He didn't kill anyone? Well he sure doesn't make a good conservative.

MinAgain March 30, 2011 at 3:13 pm

If only he had been driving with armaments mounted on his BMW, like the Second Amendment intended.

Badonkadonkette March 30, 2011 at 11:17 am

The ticket is bogus. The Constitution says nothing about regulation of motor vehicles. Therefore regulation of motor vehicles is unconstitutional. QED.

MarcelleMarceau March 30, 2011 at 6:48 pm

Strict constructionist: The ticket is bogus because DC isn't a state, therefore no states' rights.

CapeClod March 30, 2011 at 11:17 am

Show me where in the Contsitution that it specifically requires citizens to brake in appropriate situations.

horsedreamer_1 March 30, 2011 at 12:11 pm

They would declare the automobile unconstitutional, but the Kochs have made their money in petroleum. Ergo…

SexySmurf March 30, 2011 at 11:18 am

Now Clarance Thomas will want to get into a car accident.

Mahousu March 30, 2011 at 11:30 am

You'd think if anyone got a ticket for "following too closely," it would have been Thomas.

Not_So_Much March 30, 2011 at 11:38 am

Will vaGinnie call the victim and demand an apology?

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 30, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Heck, Scalia will insist on it.

deanbooth March 30, 2011 at 3:42 pm

When asked about the accident, Thomas had no comment.

gurukalehuru March 30, 2011 at 11:19 am

It was that damned Obama bumper sticker that drove him to it.

nounverb911 March 30, 2011 at 11:19 am

I hope his insurance gets canceled.

GregComlish March 30, 2011 at 11:19 am

Scalia also failed to produce any casualties when he went "Duck Hunting" with Cheney. That dude is 0 for 2.

hagajim March 30, 2011 at 11:20 am

Scalia was just hurrying to get to the Court in time to screw over the ladies who are suing Walmart….and to hell with anyone who might get in his way in serving his corporate masters.

weejee March 30, 2011 at 11:20 am

Scalia is into automotive buttsechs? Who knew?

ifthethunderdontgetya March 30, 2011 at 11:21 am

Choke on a pretzel and die, Fat Tony.
~

Buzz Feedback March 30, 2011 at 11:21 am

He and Novak are going to have an awesome Demolition Derby in Hell.

edgydrifter March 30, 2011 at 11:22 am

The driver he hit was immediately hauled off to Gitmo for impeding justice.

forgracie March 30, 2011 at 11:23 am

I hope there are three whiplash claims being filed as we speak. Where is Lionel Hutz, Esq.[redacted] when you need him?

freakishlywrong March 30, 2011 at 11:24 am

Scalia wishes he could rear end his "shiny, black BMW" in to someone.

Negropolis March 31, 2011 at 1:37 am

I think you mean he wishes someone would rear end their "shiny, black BMW" into him, actually, more likely a "shiny, black Excusion/Stretch Escalade."

SexySmurf March 30, 2011 at 11:24 am

Scalia was in a dress shirt, no jacket, with an unknotted bowtie hanging around his neck

Does Scalia have a night club act where he sings old Dean Martin songs and then denies everyone habeas corpus?

Gorillionaire March 30, 2011 at 12:03 pm

A+

tessiee March 30, 2011 at 12:42 pm

"I'm here all week! Don't forget to tip your servers! Stu'gotts!"

nounverb911 March 30, 2011 at 11:25 am

This is good news for the chiropractors of DC.

phlox✔ March 30, 2011 at 11:25 am

Plowing (into) the driver in front of you is one of your constitutional rights…
As long as it's a lady driver.

anniegetyerfun March 30, 2011 at 11:32 am

She was probably asking for it.

Hatrabbit March 30, 2011 at 11:28 am

Wearing an unknotted bow tie–that's Conservative Judge code for: "Let's go on a vehicular killing spree!"

JustPixelz March 30, 2011 at 11:41 am

He was merely following the "Citizens Untied" precedent.

SayItWithWookies March 30, 2011 at 11:30 am

Hmmm — Scalia teaches Michele Bachmann's class on the Constitution, then he slams into a solid object he didn't believe was there. Coincidence?

anniegetyerfun March 30, 2011 at 11:31 am

Did the other people whose cars Scalia wrecked make it to their jobs on time?

tessiee March 30, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Jobs??

metamarcisf March 30, 2011 at 11:33 am

This is why, that since the accident, Scalia has been seen in public with Progressive Auto Insurance spokesperson and probable 2012 GOP candidate Stephanie Courtney.

tessiee March 30, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Say it ain't so, Flo!

Not_So_Much March 30, 2011 at 11:34 am

There aren't many details about the blowjob he may or may not have been getting from the Washington chapter of Federalist Society Rent-Boys.

I wonder if the whiplash will make him even more of a condescending douchenozzle?

freakishlywrong March 30, 2011 at 11:37 am

Has Ginny Thomas drunk dialed the hitee and demanded an apology yet?

mrblifil March 30, 2011 at 11:40 am

I blame sexting.

Dudleydidwrong March 30, 2011 at 11:41 am

I can't wait for the film: "Justices From Hell: they leave the bench to kill and maim, and they don't care who they destroy. No mercy, no justice, no escape!" (Starring Rowan Atkinson as Big Tony Scalia…Step'n Fetchit as Clarence the Weasel Thomas…)

mrblifil March 30, 2011 at 11:42 am

That's not fair. I can't imagine he turns down many chances to rear-end men when the chemistry is right.

Hatrabbit March 30, 2011 at 11:42 am

What, he couldn't find any poor people to do up his bow tie and drive for him? No wonder things went to shit.

neiltheblaze March 30, 2011 at 11:45 am

So many rear-ending jokes – so little time.

GuyClinch March 30, 2011 at 11:46 am

Guess I know what kind of car to look for on GW Pkwy now, in my predatory way. What the hell, I've got comprehensive insurance with that one-free-accident policy…

JustPixelz March 30, 2011 at 11:47 am

He still drives himself! Isn't it time for Clarence "Hoke" Thomas to start Driving Mr. Scalia?

Monsieur_Grumpe March 30, 2011 at 11:52 am

His driving is still better than his judging. He’s a oneman constitutional car wreck.

freddymcmurray March 30, 2011 at 11:52 am

Unknotted bowtie? Did he just leave the all-night strip bar in titty city?

baconzgood March 30, 2011 at 11:54 am

"Scalia made it to the bench, though, in time for arguments at 10 a.m."

Scalia made it to the bench, though, in time to destroy civil rights"

(FIXED)

SorosBot March 30, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Today his purpose is to make employer discrimination against women effectively legal again.

arihaya March 30, 2011 at 11:54 am

perhaps he was giving an oral lesson to one of his intern while driving during that 'accident'

Gorillionaire March 30, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Novak and Powell drove black Corvettes. Who the fuck does Scalia think he is, driving a "grown up" car and all?

Pragmatist2 March 30, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Nino pays no attention to cars made after 1787.

CivicHoliday March 30, 2011 at 12:51 pm

If you're too old to drive, you're too old to be a justice. I don't even think Judge Judy would want him as a part-time clerk, on account of the falling asleep on the jobs and waving her gavel at the jury and telling them to get off his lawn.

Oblios_Cap March 30, 2011 at 12:53 pm

He's just glad that they failed to find Lady Liberty's blood-stained sexually ravished body in the trunk. He was on his way to dispose of her corpse in Rock Creek Park when the "accident" occured.

BarackMyWorld March 30, 2011 at 1:39 pm

The guy who wrote the decent in the Lawrence v. Texas ruling getting a ticket for rear-ending someone is overloading my sense of irony.

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 30, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Let us all hope that this works out for Scalia just as it did for Robert Novak.

MinAgain March 30, 2011 at 2:32 pm

I think we should start referring to him as 'Crash' Scalia in all future postings.

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum March 30, 2011 at 2:36 pm

"Conservative rear-ender" Antonin Scalia also has a nice ring.

glamourdammerung March 30, 2011 at 2:46 pm

"I am part of that power which eternally wills evil and eternally works good."

Thought that quote from Faust was appropriate considering the subject.

fuflans March 30, 2011 at 2:59 pm

a supreme squirmish.

James Michael Curley March 30, 2011 at 3:33 pm

I give it two years until the age old 'presumption of fault' attributed to those who rear end others ends up in the Supreme Court and the dancing bears decide the guy in front is negligent.

lochnessmonster March 30, 2011 at 5:31 pm

I bet he was twittering on his crackberry.

PublicLuxury March 30, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Will he appeal to the SCOTUS?

PublicLuxury March 30, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Needs moar pubic hair and Coke and coke and alcohol related or something to make it POP.

ttommyunger March 30, 2011 at 9:25 pm

Who reported this story, Vanity Fair? Who gives a shit what this fat fuck is wearing, and why is germane to the article? He ought to wear a Toga at all times just to be in sync with his mindset, but then they prolly don't come in "Ginormous Fat-Ass" size.

DamOTclese March 30, 2011 at 11:51 pm

And of course the Christian theofascist traitor was not tested for illegal narcotics use again.

Negropolis March 31, 2011 at 1:32 am

Scalia was in a dress shirt, no jacket, with an unknotted bowtie hanging around his neck

What the hell is this? Vogue? What do I care what this horrible human being was wearing as he purposefully plowed his automobile into another? Is this some kind of sordid, soft-core pornography? 'Cause, if it is, tits or GTFO…and I don't mean Scalia's.

Negropolis March 31, 2011 at 1:43 am

Bah. I see ttommyunger was thinking the same thing.

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