bender

Antonin Scalia Unable To Kill Anybody In Car ‘Accident’

Filming a new Fast and the Furious movie, obviously.How Antonin Scalia has managed to drive himself around in traffic this long without giving into his urge to deliver a vehicular capital-punishment verdict to fellow motorists is beyond us, but apparently he did cause a four-car accident on the George Washington Parkway yesterday, and to his probable dismay, there were no casualties. According to a witness who, because this is Washington, is a former reporter herself, Scalia slammed his “shiny black BMW” (the official vehicle of wannabe Nazi Darth Vaders, probably) into the back of the car in front of him, which then pushed two more cars into the next lane, causing, again, zero fatalities. Better luck next time, Scalia.

Scalia was in a dress shirt, no jacket, with an unknotted bowtie hanging around his neck — and, interestingly enough, turned out to be driving himself. The car in front of his appeared pretty badly banged up, the other two less so. Scalia made it to the bench, though, in time for arguments at 10 a.m., a court spokeswoman said.

Did his undo his bow tie so he could choke somebody with it? Article doesn’t say, unfortunately.

No doubt in Salkoff’s mind that Scalia was at fault, as the driver who failed to brake. “I think that’s an originalist interpretation,” she quipped. Indeed, said the Park Police’s Sgt. David Schlosser, the justice got a ticket for following too closely. Fine: $70, plus a $20 special assessment, or, said Schlosser, “he can contest it in court.”

Or he can have the park policeman fired and thrown in jail and lose his house when the government decides it needs to sell it to a corporation that won the political offices for which it ran.

No word if Scalia returned to the GW Parkway today to “finish the job.” [WP]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Comments

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  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Scalia attended the Michael Novak School of Safe Driving.

    • mnotrtoo
      • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

        Indeed it is.

        • mnotrtoo

          In this case we may find that it wasn't a tumor but some kind earwig that has been planted there since the early 80's.

      • Come here a minute

        You're making me think bad thoughts about Scalia.

        Thanks!

  • Sue4466

    Of course, when they sue him and "take it all the way to the Supreme Court," Scalia will refuse to recuse himself and deny any conflict of interest.

  • Schmannnity

    Distracted driving while sexting with Ginnie Thomas.

    • elviouslyqueer

      With an unknotted bowtie? I'm thinking he was getting a hummer from Tucker Carlson.

      • MrsBiggTime

        I love hummers as much as the next guy, but that Tucker image just harshed my buzz.

    • SorosBot

      Ew ew ew ew ew.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Distracted driving while sexting with Ginnie Clarence Thomas.

      Fixed, also.

      • CrankyLttlCamperette

        Totally one-sided: Clarence was silent, as usual…

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Great. Who is going to clean up the vomit around my desk now?

  • Redhead

    He didn't kill anyone? Well he sure doesn't make a good conservative.

    • MinAgain

      If only he had been driving with armaments mounted on his BMW, like the Second Amendment intended.

  • Badonkadonkette

    The ticket is bogus. The Constitution says nothing about regulation of motor vehicles. Therefore regulation of motor vehicles is unconstitutional. QED.

    • MarcelleMarceau

      Strict constructionist: The ticket is bogus because DC isn't a state, therefore no states' rights.

  • CapeClod

    Show me where in the Contsitution that it specifically requires citizens to brake in appropriate situations.

    • horsedreamer_1

      They would declare the automobile unconstitutional, but the Kochs have made their money in petroleum. Ergo…

  • SexySmurf

    Now Clarance Thomas will want to get into a car accident.

    • Mahousu

      You'd think if anyone got a ticket for "following too closely," it would have been Thomas.

    • Not_So_Much

      Will vaGinnie call the victim and demand an apology?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Heck, Scalia will insist on it.

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

      When asked about the accident, Thomas had no comment.

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    It was that damned Obama bumper sticker that drove him to it.

  • nounverb911

    I hope his insurance gets canceled.

  • GregComlish

    Scalia also failed to produce any casualties when he went "Duck Hunting" with Cheney. That dude is 0 for 2.

  • hagajim

    Scalia was just hurrying to get to the Court in time to screw over the ladies who are suing Walmart….and to hell with anyone who might get in his way in serving his corporate masters.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Scalia is into automotive buttsechs? Who knew?

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Choke on a pretzel and die, Fat Tony.
    ~

  • Buzz Feedback

    He and Novak are going to have an awesome Demolition Derby in Hell.

  • edgydrifter

    The driver he hit was immediately hauled off to Gitmo for impeding justice.

  • forgracie

    I hope there are three whiplash claims being filed as we speak. Where is Lionel Hutz, Esq.[redacted] when you need him?

  • freakishlywrong

    Scalia wishes he could rear end his "shiny, black BMW" in to someone.

    • Negropolis

      I think you mean he wishes someone would rear end their "shiny, black BMW" into him, actually, more likely a "shiny, black Excusion/Stretch Escalade."

  • SexySmurf

    Scalia was in a dress shirt, no jacket, with an unknotted bowtie hanging around his neck

    Does Scalia have a night club act where he sings old Dean Martin songs and then denies everyone habeas corpus?

    • Gorillionaire

      A+

    • tessiee

      "I'm here all week! Don't forget to tip your servers! Stu'gotts!"

  • nounverb911

    This is good news for the chiropractors of DC.

  • phlox✔

    Plowing (into) the driver in front of you is one of your constitutional rights…
    As long as it's a lady driver.

    • anniegetyerfun

      She was probably asking for it.

  • Hatrabbit

    Wearing an unknotted bow tie–that's Conservative Judge code for: "Let's go on a vehicular killing spree!"

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      He was merely following the "Citizens Untied" precedent.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Hmmm — Scalia teaches Michele Bachmann's class on the Constitution, then he slams into a solid object he didn't believe was there. Coincidence?

  • anniegetyerfun

    Did the other people whose cars Scalia wrecked make it to their jobs on time?

    • tessiee

      Jobs??

  • metamarcisf

    This is why, that since the accident, Scalia has been seen in public with Progressive Auto Insurance spokesperson and probable 2012 GOP candidate Stephanie Courtney.

    • tessiee

      Say it ain't so, Flo!

  • Not_So_Much

    There aren't many details about the blowjob he may or may not have been getting from the Washington chapter of Federalist Society Rent-Boys.

    I wonder if the whiplash will make him even more of a condescending douchenozzle?

  • freakishlywrong

    Has Ginny Thomas drunk dialed the hitee and demanded an apology yet?

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    I blame sexting.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    I can't wait for the film: "Justices From Hell: they leave the bench to kill and maim, and they don't care who they destroy. No mercy, no justice, no escape!" (Starring Rowan Atkinson as Big Tony Scalia…Step'n Fetchit as Clarence the Weasel Thomas…)

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    That's not fair. I can't imagine he turns down many chances to rear-end men when the chemistry is right.

  • Hatrabbit

    What, he couldn't find any poor people to do up his bow tie and drive for him? No wonder things went to shit.

  • neiltheblaze

    So many rear-ending jokes – so little time.

  • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

    Guess I know what kind of car to look for on GW Pkwy now, in my predatory way. What the hell, I've got comprehensive insurance with that one-free-accident policy…

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    He still drives himself! Isn't it time for Clarence "Hoke" Thomas to start Driving Mr. Scalia?

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    His driving is still better than his judging. He’s a oneman constitutional car wreck.

  • freddymcmurray

    Unknotted bowtie? Did he just leave the all-night strip bar in titty city?

  • baconzgood

    "Scalia made it to the bench, though, in time for arguments at 10 a.m."

    Scalia made it to the bench, though, in time to destroy civil rights"

    (FIXED)

    • SorosBot

      Today his purpose is to make employer discrimination against women effectively legal again.

  • arihaya

    perhaps he was giving an oral lesson to one of his intern while driving during that 'accident'

  • Gorillionaire

    Novak and Powell drove black Corvettes. Who the fuck does Scalia think he is, driving a "grown up" car and all?

  • Pragmatist2

    Nino pays no attention to cars made after 1787.

  • CivicHoliday

    If you're too old to drive, you're too old to be a justice. I don't even think Judge Judy would want him as a part-time clerk, on account of the falling asleep on the jobs and waving her gavel at the jury and telling them to get off his lawn.

  • Oblios_Cap

    He's just glad that they failed to find Lady Liberty's blood-stained sexually ravished body in the trunk. He was on his way to dispose of her corpse in Rock Creek Park when the "accident" occured.

  • BarackMyWorld

    The guy who wrote the decent in the Lawrence v. Texas ruling getting a ticket for rear-ending someone is overloading my sense of irony.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Let us all hope that this works out for Scalia just as it did for Robert Novak.

  • MinAgain

    I think we should start referring to him as 'Crash' Scalia in all future postings.

    • Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

      "Conservative rear-ender" Antonin Scalia also has a nice ring.

  • glamourdammerung

    "I am part of that power which eternally wills evil and eternally works good."

    Thought that quote from Faust was appropriate considering the subject.

  • fuflans

    a supreme squirmish.

  • James Michael Curley

    I give it two years until the age old 'presumption of fault' attributed to those who rear end others ends up in the Supreme Court and the dancing bears decide the guy in front is negligent.

  • lochnessmonster

    I bet he was twittering on his crackberry.

  • PublicLuxury

    Will he appeal to the SCOTUS?

  • PublicLuxury

    Needs moar pubic hair and Coke and coke and alcohol related or something to make it POP.

  • ttommyunger

    Who reported this story, Vanity Fair? Who gives a shit what this fat fuck is wearing, and why is germane to the article? He ought to wear a Toga at all times just to be in sync with his mindset, but then they prolly don't come in "Ginormous Fat-Ass" size.

  • DamOTclese

    And of course the Christian theofascist traitor was not tested for illegal narcotics use again.

  • Negropolis

    Scalia was in a dress shirt, no jacket, with an unknotted bowtie hanging around his neck

    What the hell is this? Vogue? What do I care what this horrible human being was wearing as he purposefully plowed his automobile into another? Is this some kind of sordid, soft-core pornography? 'Cause, if it is, tits or GTFO…and I don't mean Scalia's.

    • Negropolis

      Bah. I see ttommyunger was thinking the same thing.