grandpa speak

Newt Gingrich: America To Become Simultaneously Islamic, Atheist

“I have two grandchildren — Maggie is 11, Robert is 9,” Gingrich said at Cornerstone Church here. “I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time they’re my age they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American.”

Whatever. Those kids should just have a string of extramarital affairs. That always makes things better.

Gingrich spokesman Rick Tyler tells me via email that Gingrich misspoke. “‘Or’ should have come before the word ‘potentially,'” he writes.

Pick one existential threat and go with it, Newt. Leave some for the rest of us. [Salon]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • ablington

    I would like Gingrich the Hutt to explain precisely what it is to be "American". I think it has something to do with Shabu Shabu and Lakke Michogan. Also lots of strange.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      I've said it a million times: America is who shows up.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Latke Michacoan: potato pancakes with that extra zing.

  • PublicLuxury

    I've met quite a few Atheist Baptists

    • Redhead

      I'm thinking Atheist Muslim is kinda like Socialist Facist Communist Nazi.
      Throw a bunch of scary-sounding words out there that you know your target audience doesn't fully understand and hope that one sticks.

    • Barbara_i

      Atheist Baptists? They won't make love standing up and they REALLY won't scream "oh God!" when they are just about done? Blend in a Jewish person and their toes won't curl like bacon either. This is sucking all the fun out of doing the dirty deed of darkness.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    I am an Atheist Jew…can I play, too?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Only in Europe. Woody Allen's not making films, in this country, anymore.

    • 教授 Zoom

      Then there's the one about the Upper West Side Jewish family that sends their son to Trinity School because, despite its denominational roots, it's a great school and supports their liberal politics.

      After a few weeks, the kid comes home and says, "By the way, Dad, I learned what Trinity means! It means 'The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.'"

      The father takes his son by the hand, looks him seriously in the eye, and says, "Sweetie, I'm going to tell you something now and I want you never to forget it. Forget this Trinity business. There is only one God… and we don't believe in him."

  • DaRooster

    …“‘Or’ should have come before the word ‘potentially,’”…

    Yep, that's better… How about-
    "Newt misspoke… but he's a fucking moron anyway… so what's new?"

  • LetUsBray

    I'd like Newly Catholic Neut to tell us which of his three marriages is officially recognized by the church, and how big a donation it took for them to look the other way on the other ones he wrecked.

    • SorosBot

      Remember he converted to Catholicism for marriage number three; conveniently the Church doesn't consider marriages performed by heretics valid, you only need an annulment for a Catholic marriage.

    • widestanceroman

      How big a donation? See above: Robert, 9.

    • Gopherit

      I wonder if the priest just pencils in a whole day for Newt's confession visits?

  • freakishlywrong

    In Newtie's world "what it once meant to be an American" = No mixed race presidents, unlimited wives and unquestioned religious nonsense. And rich white men doing all the oppressing also. Y'know, just like now.

  • Come here a minute

    If we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time they’re my age they will be in a fascist country, potentially one dominated by radical socialists and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American.

  • SorosBot

    As I said elsewhere, It's a beautiful dream that America will be a mostly Atheist nation by the time Newt's grandchildren are his age and married to their third significantly younger husbands/wives, but I'm not as optimistic as him.

    • 教授 Zoom

      At least we won't be overrun by those filthy Jedi.

    • zhubajie

      No, the atheists have quite as bad a record as the theists.

  • widestanceroman

    And also socialist, anti-colonial, homosexual and flatulent, also. Just keep throwing anything and everything out there, Newt, it's what makes the tent big and you'd know about that woontja?

  • Gopherit

    Can you imagine how sad all of those militant islamists will be screaming "No one is great!"? Talk about angsty.

    Hell, they're sounding a lot like me.

    • catholic4condom

      Maybe he heard a Muslim praying: "There is no god…" then he stopped listening and didn't hear "but Allah"

  • ThankYouJeebus

    Who will I pray to once the secular atheist radical muslins take over??

    • franco_pinyon

      Exactly!!

      One begins to wonder just how fuzzy Newt's "logic" can get.

    • SorosBot

      Five times a day, you'll have to kneel and pray in the direction of nowhere, and end conversations with "Nothing Akbar"

    • zhubajie

      Your boss

    • catholic4condom

      AllahNothing

  • prommie

    Bizarre.

  • facehead

    U GOTZ IT ALL WRONG NEWT! IT IS THE COMMUNIST FEMINIST ATHIEST MUSLIMS WHO WANTS TO ENSLAVE OUR FERTILE WOMEN WITH CANCER AND DAUGHTERS WITH SHARIA BACON SOUP FACTORIES OF DEATH FOR SUICIDE BOMB BABIES!!!!

    WHY IS THERE NO AMERICAN BUMPER STICKER ON YOUR LAPEL WITH CAPS!??!?!

    (with apologies to shortsshortsshorts)

    • horsedreamer_1

      This is good news for Sheikh Hasina!

  • ThundercatHo

    Ack! He has grandchildren? Like ones directly from the (moldy) fruit of his looms? I had no idea he had bred. Who woulda thunk that he could've got his teensy pee-pee past the panus and into the money hole. But couldn't he have done the world a favor the just shit in gene pool rather than jizzed in it?

    Oh, btw Noot, FUCK YOU. I look forward to the day we all live in a secular atheist society because you zealots have royally fucked up every single one so far.

  • SexySmurf

    All of Newter's speeches sound like wingnut Mad Libs:

    (Jewish Billionaire) and (minority group) are oppressing (powerful majority). (Black president) is a (discredited ideology). Please give me (large amount of money).

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      Baron von Rotshchild and followers of Cthulu are oppressing Hindus in India. Robert Mugabe is a Scientologist. Please give me eleventy billion dollars.

    • zhubajie

      He should become a televangelist

  • Mumbletypeg

    they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American.

    Ask any practitioner of Islam that's been coolly studying the 5 Pillars from waaay before Newt lost sight of his cojones, and they'll tell you the typical American "righteous" — with their false piety, Christianese pyramid schemes and country-club worship-facades — outperform the rest of the world in "Secular" by a deep-fried country mile.

  • Hatrabbit

    Atheist Muslims are like Intelligent Republicans: they frolic in a never-never land filled with celestial virgins, cancer-wife mistresses, and unicorns.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I wouldn't mind living in a secularly atheist country, but this one's dominated by those fucking money worshippers.

  • Hatrabbit

    Advice for Newt: Mouth for speaking, ass for shitting.

    Give it a try, tell us how it goes..

  • Grief_Lessons

    We need some wars against Islamic countries to make this right.

  • nounverb911

    “I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time they’re my age they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American.”

    Translation: My Viagra doesn't work anymore.

  • GuanoFaucet

    Can we make the secular atheist part happen? Pretty please?

  • SayItWithWookies

    What a fuckin' imagination on Newt — he picks out the two smallest demographics, makes a sweeping comment about them that his idiot minions will take as gospel (because in Teabaggerland there are no facets of The Other that are incompatible with one another, cf. Sunni vs. Shiite) and then issues a correction so everyone'll ignore it except his idiots who won't follow a story that far. I can't wait for the Atwater/Rove era of Republican politics to be dead and buried. At least we're in the sickly-bloating-from-cancer stage of its development, so there's that.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Unfortunately the body politic's auto-immune system just keeps malfunctioning.

      It's like the antibodies have become brain dead.

    • SorosBot

      Not the smallest – there's now more self-declared atheists & agnostics than any non-Christian religion. However we're still down there with the Muslims as the most hated!

  • horsedreamer_1

    Take the Gauze (which is Muslin) off your eyes & see the light.

  • PocketsTheClown

    ALLAHU FRIED LARD

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If we are all Islamist/Atheist, wouldn't we be too bush killing ourselves for violating our own beliefs to cause much trouble.

    And, really, isn't the bigger problem just how many spouses Newt's grandchildren will have dumped by the time they are his age? How many broken families will be left behind after generations of Gingriches dumping people for young interns?

  • jjdaddyo

    HEY MORANS! Atheist Mooslims are the worst kind of Mooslims, unless we're talking about Socialist Communistic Atheist Mooslims.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Apologies, Jack, but your headline really should read:

    America: Newt Gingrich to Become Simultaneously Prick, Asshole

    • Jim89048

      Well how else could he fuck himself?

  • mavenmaven

    And in those days one can assume the "conservative" media will be defending America from the "war against Ramadan"?

  • Fare la Volpe

    Ah, but your mother didn't have her own Political Action Committee, did she?

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    "O(a)r" is something you use in a row boat. Paddle is something you do to someone like Newtie who is so far up the proverbial creek he needs a good thrashing.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Most important overlook in this story: Gingrich was stumping at Hagee's church. Remember, at a church designed to force-feed 20,000 sheep, Islam and atheism aren't too far away from Mormons or Krishnas.

    • zhubajie

      Hagee will be the Pope of Independent Texas

      • KeepFnThatChicken

        The smoke will be black when he is selected.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Also, to be fair, I know quite a few Methodists who are secretly atheists. So he could be talking about a Wesleyan revival of nothingness.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Thank God he added the "or." Otherwise he could've sounded like a bigot.

    • heathenette

      Or an idiot.

  • Come here a minute

    Thank God he's not one of us!

  • GhostBuggy

    Newt's right, you know. As Jesus always said, to have both an American form of government that does not endorse a specific religion and a high population of Muslims is illegal.

  • Extemporanus

    By the time Newt's grandtadpoles are his age, they'll be living in France?

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    If only Newt were a Simpsons writer (and not a fat fascist fuck)… not the shitty 21st version but the 1990s version when it was funny. Islamo Atheists > Commie Nazis

  • Troubledog

    Since my unemployment ran out, I had to take a job freelancing as a Baptist. It pays piecework so I have a simple process. I will baptize any dry-ass motherfucker I meet. If your hair's not wet when I see you, hope you can hold your breath.

    • PublicLuxury

      The church suppers are a plus too.

  • franco_pinyon

    You are right! They make the divirced party swear a holy oath that they were not REALLY married before. When I asked what that meant in regard to the two children from that marriage I was told it had nothing to do with them.

    Okay, I wondered, how is that possible?

    It's a sham, and a money-maker.

    • DaRooster

      BASTARD! BASTARD!
      Nya- nya-nya-nya…

      (Me too)

  • PublicLuxury

    I'm surprised his daughter's name isn't Sharia. Which wife produced the children/spawn of Satan?

  • V572del c:/*.* y/n?

    Isn't it the duty of faithful Muslims to kill atheists? Not sure how this would play out. Enlighten us, O wise disgraced former Speaker and author of "speculative fiction"!

  • franco_pinyon

    Is this guy not tailor-made for a political movement that features plumbers named Joe who are not plumbers, and are not named Joe?

  • fuflans

    " Maggie 11, Robert 9” never stood a chance.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    Legally America is already an atheist nation as the plain language of the Constitution forbids official religion, government interference, etc. But for those who say America is a "Christian nation", name one thing America has happily done in the past 100 years that comport with Jesus' teachings?

    • horsedreamer_1

      The New Deal? The National Parks?

  • widestanceroman

    Newt will be tongue-punching Satan's scaly fartbox for all eternity by then and I do hope he sends us all a Tweet describing how that's working out for him.

  • hagajim

    Newt – is is Aethelamic or Islameist…how about America is going to become a country of stupid fucks who run from one panic button to another pushed by douche bags like yourself! Fucking fuck!

  • 教授 Zoom

    You know what happens when you piss off a bunch of Unitarians? One night you'll look out on your front lawn and see them burning a question mark.

  • __kth__

    Semi-serious question, as IANAC: if the children are the issue of an annulled marriage (i.e., they are bastards), do the grandchildren count as his?

    • Come here a minute

      No annulment necessary, since he converted to Catholicism for his third and most recent marriage, the first two never happened, according to The Church.

      Yeah, they're bastards!

  • mourningnmerica

    Someone please ram a big dildo into this man's ear. Maybe, just maybe, he'll snap out of it.

  • mourningnmerica

    What's next, "They're coming for our white women."?

    This moron is drenched in the stench of LOSER. Newt, there is nothing you can say, nothing whatsoever, that can get more than about 5% of the population to ever like you. It's over, dude. Go get a blowjob from an aide.

  • glamourdammerung

    Keep in mind that Newt is preaching to the same morons that think the Nazis were communists.

  • Steverino247

    For their sake, I certainly hope so.

  • zhubajie

    There's no reason for China to take over America. The resources are gone, unless you count fat, whiny, people. Siberia, Turkestan, Indochina, have far more to offer.

  • zhubajie

    Wasn't Ataturk Newt's childhood role model?

  • ogradybt

    Maybe there will be two alternate Americas, one that's "radical Islamist" and another that's secular atheist. But the crazy thing is one of Newt's grandkids runs the atheist one and the other one runs the Islamist state (in an ironic twist it's Maggie!). And Newt's other grandkid is a scientist working on a secret island to build a portal that will merge the two. I would watch that show.

    • 教授 Zoom

      I'm making a note here, "huge success!"

  • Jim89048

    Thereby creating the world's-longest-multi-hyphenated-word, right?

  • ttommyunger

    The horn-dog thrice married family values proponent sees no contradiction.

  • Callyson

    Gingrich misspoke. “‘Or’ should have come before the word ‘potentially,’” he writes.
    New word game–fill in the blanks:
    Newt Gingrich is —– or potentially —–

  • BarackMyWorld

    I have a daughter who is 5. I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time she's my age they will be in a conservative-theist country, potentially one dominated by reactionary bigots and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American.

  • catholic4condom

    Y'all don't know wots wot cuz y'uns don't watch yer Fox but Lamestreamedia. America is under attack by AtheistMuslim CommunistNazi Gaymultipleabortionhavers UnionBosses WelfareQueenElitists Taxhikin'Deficitgrowers CannibalVegans HippiePunkRockers StoopidIntellectuals. This is wot happens when you git a presidunt whose black AND white.

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    What do you call an atheist who doesn't believe in God?
    Squirmish.

  • SWKellogg

    This guy is doing a rope a dope in reverse. He's slinking towards the canvas but somehow thinks he's got another round in him. Punch drunk, I guess.