Nice try, Kenyan.Because cartoon rich person Donald Trump constantly needs new attention for his fake presidential run, he’s recently decided he’s a birther. Sure thing, Donald Trump. How brave of you to take time off from your important job fake-firing and fake-hiring former celebrities to shed light on this pivotal fake issue. But once the “Trump is birther” news cycle ended, he needed to up the ante. So he released his birth certificate to Newsmax yesterday. Except this yellow alleged hospital document is not an actual birth certificate from the New York City Department of Health. So why does Trump refuse to release a real, certified, long-form birth certificate? What is he hiding? Where was he really born?

On the back is a map to a buried treasure of priceless Kenyan real estate.

As you can see, this document bears the signature of an alleged physician, but it has no official state or city seal and does not even purport to be issued by an official agency. It’s a piece of paper that would be easy to fake on any 1990s banner/certificate-maker software, something your editor has a great deal of experience with, as he used to print out and award certificates to various individuals, from friends at school, to old people at church, to his stuffed animals, to himself. Your editor’s late family dog can present a certificate of similar authority as this “birth certificate” certifying that she once caught and killed a squirrel.

Ben Smith:

It appears instead to be a hospital “certificate of birth,” meaning the piece of paper the hospital gave to his family saying he was born. Such a document typically has the signature of the hospital administrator and the attending physician.

Trump lawyer and advisor Michael Cohen didn’t respond to Haberman’s question about the document.

Trump’s mother, it should be noted, was born in Scotland, which is not part of the United States. His plane is registered in the Bahamas, also a foreign country. This fact pattern — along with the wave of new questions surrounding what he claims is a birth certificate — raises serious doubts about his eligibility to serve as President of the United States.

Indeed. Dave Weigel:

Trump can obviously clear this up if he provides everything Barack Obama’s provided to the press, and everything he’s demanded from Obama. This would be:
– Two (or more) contemporary newspaper announcements confirming that Donald Trump was born in the United States. (Two of these exist for Barack Obama.)
– A certification of live birth produced by the state Trump was born, verified by hand by reporters. ( verified Obama’s certification in 2008.)
– A picture of the young Donald Trump and or/interviews with people who knew him.

And yet Trump is totally silent. And he continues to hide his financial information from the public. And, even more importantly, Trump has yet to provide any official documentation for that hair on his head, which may be living and working in the United States illegally. This is a grave matter. The man is probably ineligible for the presidency, from what we’ve seen.

Who’s the Kenyan now? [Ben Smith/Weigel]

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  • I don't care about his Birf certificate. I want to see the birf certificate of the alien being that Trump claims is his hair.

    • SorosBot

      I'm pretty sure it's a Tribble.

      • elviouslyqueer

        From the looks of Trump's "hair," it's a Tribble that succumbed from too much poisoned quadrotriticale.

      • ThundercatHo

        We would have to get a Klingon to verify that. Mr. Woof to the bridge, please.

    • It's a brain parasite. A very malnourished brain parsite.

      • BarryOPotter

        Trump's "Hair": "Zorg always was and always will be, puny carbon-based life form! Fear meeeee!!!!!!!!!!!"

    • comrad_darkness

      Wait, Trump has a hair apparent?

    • Swampgas_Man

      Letterman's writer's want their joke back.

  • alzronnie

    I want to see the birth certificate for whatever creature is sitting on his dome.

  • FNMA

    Trump wasn't born. He was genetically engineered and the scientists mistakenly used road-kill squirrel genes for the hair.

    • BarryOPotter

      Paging Dr. Cooter….

      • FNMA

        Or Dr. Cletus…

  • PublicLuxury

    I heard that Donald was born on a row boat, in international waters, while his mother was trying to sneak into Mexico so she could sneak across the border into the USA. He's a man without a country. But I think his country is Mexico. He is a Messican and needs to hunted by helicopter.

  • congratulations Donald, on successfully completing the 2010 Book-It program!

    enjoy that personal pan pizza.

    • The so-called "attending physician" signature is inexplicably legible and juvenile. He obviously was just scamming for the pizza. It's time to Ask The Expert™ on pizza frauds. Paging Herman Cain!

    • Fuck yeah, Book It! Best school-related reading program ever! That is all.

      • petehammer

        I got about 5 personal pan pizzas one glorious summer.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    But its a Very Luxurious bird certificate.

  • harry_palmer

    He can't produce a birth certificate because he's an aborion from before they were made legal.

  • smokefilledroommate

    He was born in Jamaica!

    • nounverb911

      Is he into rasta?

      • elviouslyqueer

        Hey Mon!

        • littlebigdaddy

          There'll be more weed in the White House anytime since the Clinton years!

          • Are you referring to that thing growing on his head?

      • smokefilledroommate

        Nah, he's whiter than a Saltine.

        • Not_So_Much

          He's more pink and puffy nowadays, with his fat forcing his eyes to be ever more squinty and beady. Like a shit-covered pig.

          • smokefilledroommate

            You are so correct–kinda salmon-colored, for which the equivalent would be "He's oranger than Boehner".

    • Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

      So, not only is he a scary foreigner, he's from a country full of brown people who follow a religion most Americans know next to nothing about?

      The parallels are endless!

      • Doktor Avalanche

        This is where Trump learned his hatred of the 'baldies' and oppression of his peeples, mon.

      • Negropolis

        And, the Jamaicans aren't just regular ole foreign brown people; they are full-on foreign black people! Even scarier! They are coming back to settle the score, y'all!

    • Oblios_Cap

      It says it right there on the short-form birf certificate. Let's see him refudiate that!

    • comrad_darkness

      He is NOT cool enough to be from Jamaica.

  • I always assumed Donald Trump was birthed from an actual horse's ass…

  • hagajim

    I see the certificate was issued by Jamaica Hospital….hmmm, does that mean he was born in Jamaica? Is the Donald a secret Rasta wanting to make us all smoke the ganja? (I wish) No – he's just another Repuglican assclown who wouldn't know a real birth certificate if it slapped him the face – because he's never had to deal with any of that. "The Donald" – what a tool.

    • Boojum_Reborn

      He's obviously a Jamaican Muslin. Sharia!!!

  • noodlesalad

    Jamaica hospital? Jamaica that up, Donald MacTrump? Just what we need, a Rastafarian Marxist Capitalist Scot.

    • horsedreamer_1

      The Bay City Rollers politely request you step off their game.

    • Steverino247

      If it's not Jamaican, it's crrrap!

  • Trump needs to go back to working on getting bankrupt again.

    • BarryOPotter

      Trump needs to go back to working on getting bankrupt again.

      I'm confident that is exactly what he's doing, but he wants us ALL to join him

    • emmelemm

      Hopefully he'll spend like 50 million of his own money on a stupid campaign, like Meg Whitman. Of course, that probably wouldn't bankrupt him, but it might make him cringe a little.

  • badseeds

    That thing says "Donald John Trump." It does not say "Short-Fingered Vulgarian." Res ipsa loquitur.

    • PsycWench

      Neither does it say "The Donald"

  • freakishlywrong

    The man is probably ineligible for the presidency, from what we’ve seen.
    With or without the birf certificate, the above just screams; You Don't Say!!?

  • BarackMyWorld

    This doesn't matter because he's white.

    • And pretend rich.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Is it possible the Snowbilly's grifted wealth is greater than Trump's?

    • Zombie_Reagan

      Nail meet hammer.

    • emmelemm

      Actually, these days he's damn orange. He's pretty far gone on the tanning bottle addiction.

  • tribbzthesquidz

    Where's the Hair Club certificate?

  • ProgressiveInga

    The Trumpther made his money the old fashioned way…….he inherited it, lost it, leveraged it, lost it, manipulated investors to build casinos, lost it, exploited the real estate market, lost it……you get the picture.

    • JackDempsey1

      Your chronology omits the writing of books, the television appearances as investor savant, and the gullibility of the average celebrity-worshipping American. Otherwise, I agree completely.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      The wonders of creative bankruptcy.

  • TanzbodenKoenig

    Donald Trump has some very, very urban, Kenyan, anti-colonial Mau-Mau sympathies I'd bet!

  • Come here a minute

    Nobody even remembers Trump when he was a kid, but Barry's got these guys. At best Trump is an anchor baby.

  • jus_wonderin

    What a total A-HOLE!!!!!!!

  • Beowoof

    I didn't know they issued birf certificates for weasels.

    • deelzebub

      Not so much a birth certificate, as it's a weasel version of an AKC litter registration.

  • the_onceler

    His mom was born in Scotland? That must mean that Trump is anti-colonial. Winston Churchill's bust will never get back into the White House at this rate.

  • Good way to end a controversy!

  • Serolf_Divad

    Repeat after me: "The loooooooong form birf certificate, Donald Hussein Trump, we want to see the looooooooooong form birf certificate!!!"

  • Melissa511


    –His grandparents were German immigrants named Drumpf!
    –He married two foreign ladies and gave his daughter Ivanka a foreign name!

    • jus_wonderin

      Ivanka sounds like a verb.

      • 教授 Zoom

        Transitive, intransitive, or intransigent?

        • BerkeleyBear

          Transvestite, actually.

        • Negropolis


      • Ducksworthy

        One of my favorite actresses, Ivana Humpalot aka Lieutenant Sally.

    • horsedreamer_1

      I believe that allows him to obtain German citizenship, same as a natural-born German*. So, next, he'll be touting his challenge (from the Right? Left? Space?) of Angela Merkel.

      *No Turks.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Speaking of, you know who else married two foreign… oh, fuck it.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Elizabeth Taylor?

        • riverside68

          Nah, just the same one twice

    • arihaya

      PLUS : his grandmather is named Lama al-Kubaisi ,,, sounds like an Arab to me,,

      wow just what wee need, a Jamaican-born German-Arab-Scott repeatedly-bankrupt clown

  • Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    But is America really ready for a Hairpiece-American president?

  • SorosBot

    Trump's transparent, disingenuous pandering to the far-right is even less believable than that hair.

  • bigdupa

    Explains why he is such a pussy. That "birth certificate" wouldn't be allowed for children's sports leagues for age verification. Probably grew up playing sports with the help who let him win.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      That is an excellent point. Several of my kids' leagues wouldn't even accept a photocopy of a state certificate — they had to see a certified, sealed copy.

  • DaRooster

    Your fried… like your hair, douche.

  • V572del c:/*.* y/n?

    Thanks, Po'o, for letting us know that Scotland is not part of the United States. This is Great Investigative Journalism.

  • Hera Sent Me

    Forget the birth certificate and other technicalities (like whether Trump's hairpiece is made from the pelt of an endangered red squirrel).

    Focus instead on Trump's qualifications. As our nation teeters on the brink of bankrupcy, ask yourself who has experienced more bankruptcies of all kinds (financial, moral AND intellectual) than Donald Trump?

    • GOPCrusher

      Maybe he could get Carly Fiorina as his running mate? Once she outsources all our jobs to India, America will be back on it's own two feet!

  • Thinking that Donald Trump is anything but the failed host of a failing TV show is silly. Thinking he is a serious candidate for President is a sure sign of the apocalypse.

    • jus_wonderin

      He IS slightly less delusional than Lou Sarah.

    • undeterredbyreality

      As if Newt, Sarah, and Michelle weren't the other three horsemen.

  • smokefilledroommate

    Just gold-plate them and encase them in faux marble.

  • Welcome to the world of today's politics Trump. Now spread those cheeks.

  • baconzgood

    The Jamaica Hospital. THE JAMAICA hospital! The prosecution rests.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      I didn't even kiss her.

  • mavenmaven

    Everyone knows that his hair piece, like everything else, was made in China. Conspiracy?

  • 教授 Zoom

    Birth certificate? Screw that, I want to see the results of his Voight-Kampff test.

    • baconzgood

      He dreams of electric sheep

    • The douche that shills twice as long is only half as rich – and you have shilled so very, very brightly, Donald. Look at you: you're the Prodigal Bankrupt Son; you're quite a prize asshole!

      • 教授 Zoom

        I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Homophobic beauty queens on fire off the shoulder of Atlantic City. I watched d-list celebrities grovel in the dark on the Taj Mahal Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain….Time to run for President.

    • Steverino247

      I'm a genetic designer. There's a little bit of me in your hairpiece.

    • widestanceroman

      But, weren't replicants created for some purpose, be it combat, construction or prostitution or what have you?

      What possible purpose would Trump have?

      Oh, and "Watch as she takes the pleasure from the serpent." Has nothing to do with anything here, but it's one of my favorite lines, so there.

      • 教授 Zoom

        I have a friend whose grandmother played the Korean synthetic snake vendor in Blade Runner (My ex, through a costume-designer friend, owns a purse that Lisa Kudrow carried on Friends, so I think that's ultimately a closer link to Kevin Bacon).

        Uh. Speaking of "nothing to do with anything here."

  • LabRodent

    How is this guy still rich? Or is he!

    • Ducksworthy

      Ha Ha Ha. For Donald to be not rich would imply social mobility. The oligarchy exist to protect the oligarchs and also to limit admission to the oligarchy. Once you're in, you and your great great great grandchildren are in. Isn't the free market marvelous? All praise Alan Greenspan.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Knights of the Rand Table.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      It's always hard to tell if he's actually rich or just continuing to act that way during a temporary bout of bankruptcy.

  • Since the Donald's dome is a forgery, why should we believe this cheesy unofficial hospital parchment? The official NY doc or GTFO.

  • harry_palmer

    Although to have no discernable talent beside a knack for losing other people's money and yet still be so insufferably arrogant is pretty strong evidence he's Amurrican.

    • e_z


  • 教授 Zoom


    (Well, yeah, I knew about that too)

  • Ducksworthy

    So Der Donald is a Rastafarian? That might explain the hair.

  • freakishlywrong

    This vulgar, self indulgent asshole is the physical embodiment of what's wrong with this country. So, yeah. Let's all elect a clown who runs the Miss Universe pageant POTUS. That'll lend some credibility to the Retardlicans.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Well, their previous great White hope was a failed B-list movie actor, so…

      • 教授 Zoom

        Heckuva job, Donny!

  • PublicLuxury

    Maybe it could be settled if his mother issued the EPT she used to prove she was pregnant. I mean, "it is the most sophisticated technology she ever peed on". That would totally clear it up. The alleged 'mother' needs to produce something showing she had been pregnant otherwise Donald's mother could be a Palin. Even some home canned after birf would do it.

  • Limeylizzie

    But he's white/orange so it's OK , right?

    • Negropolis

      I think you're right. And orange is apparently the new white.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    I'll reserve judgment until Gary Busey weighs in.

  • chicken_thief

    "….Trump has yet to provide any official documentation for that hair on his head, which may be living and working in the United States illegally. This is a grave matter."

    No, that wig is matter for a grave.

  • Ugh

    Why am I not surprised that smarmy white douche-trashbag Donald Trump was born in the Caribbean. I mean, the only way this could be better is if he was born in the lobby of a bank in the fucking Cayman Islands.

  • BerkeleyBear

    So Trump is the new Ross Perot, only he's managing to implode right away. Or a modern Hearst, with the meglomania but without the actual business savvy. The Republic will survive, but I'm not sure my retinas will.

  • V572del c:/*.* y/n?

    So here's the lineup for the Iowa Republican caucuses:

    Pizza-not-Sharia Guy
    some Hoosier

    Is it safe to say now that the Repubes are conceding the race already, they way they did in '96 against Clinton? Maybe it's finally Gary Bauer's year. A ventriloquist's dummy should have a pretty good shot in this field.

    • GOPCrusher

      Forgot T-Paw, which in Iowa should generate some "Who?" looks.

  • [redacted]hse

    Says "Jamaica" right on it. Duh.

  • philpjfry

    The fact that anyone pays attention to this obnixious douche, says very sad things about this country.

  • Serfville

    Donald Rump (named so because he wears his ass on his head), of course was born of a stem cell from Rush Limbaugh's fetid oxycontin laced liver cells.(His VP choice, yes they are related). In an ironic twist he's for stem cell research. He arrived in a "walk up" in the dregs of NYC, & vowed to get all his "neighbors back" from his childhood by throwing them all out on the street for building golden castles in the sky & pissing out the window onto Tiffany Jewelers roof all day, because he "fired" all his gold digging ex-wives for the next ex Mrs Rump who spewed out another mouse face kid(that no amount of billions in plastic surgery can "unmouse") named Bentley III or something like that. Doesn't everyone know this??

  • Naked_Bunny

    Will this scandal prevent Donal Trump from becoming our first woman president?

  • Serfville

    Diseases Of Affluence:
    Billions in plastic surgery cannot fix this:
    Or this:
    Did you hear they all went the Wharton School Of Business??

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Wait, which ones were Trumps kids?

  • JimmyPete

    While this is funny, CNN had Bozo the Donald on after Obama's speech to comment on the North African situation. What's next Snooki on health care. I don't blame squirrel head for self promotion, the news outlets let him get away with it.

    • GOPCrusher

      Snooki is busy getting ready for her Six person mixed tag team match for Sunday's Wrestlemania match.

  • DaSandman

    Trump was born? Of a woman? There goes my spore theory.

  • Fare la Volpe

    I really hope the Presidential race descends into a dick measuring contest.

    Spoiler: There's a reason he had to build Trump Tower.

  • WhatTheHeck

    Who do you thing you are, Mr. Big Stuff?
    You’re never gonna get my vote, Mr. Big Stuff.

  • Jim89048


  • comrad_darkness

    Where was he really born? Let me guess, Panama?

  • comrad_darkness

    If your jokes were bankrupt, they'd fit right in.

  • anniegetyerfun

    "And yet Trump is totally silent."

    Folks, we should be celebrating this. It has never happened before.

  • Gopherit

    One thing Obama has provided that Trump hasn't are pictures from his childhood. I have to see these……I have this theory, that this hairpiece of his is really a parasitic creature that has controlled Trump since his childhood……i just need pics of him at 10 with that dead-squirrel looking matted piece of filth on his head. Hey, my theory makes as much sense as anything Orly and Corso have said.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    He was born on Flag Day, which is June 14. He's patriotic as hell and none of the other seven Dwarfs of Rethuglicanistan can claim that honor. It also means that we can put a flag over his face and tell him to fuck off. His hair, however, goes into the US Medical Museum as the classic example of hypertrichosis.

    • Steverino247

      Hey, I was born on Labor Day, but I still had to go ask for Union endorsements.

  • El Pinche

    Trump is hiding the fact that he came out of Gambino crime boss Albert Anastasia's ass as a turd that almost got flushed. He was then raised by a family of used car salesmen.

  • OkieDokieDog

    Bloody hell. I have one that looks almost exactly like that which was issued by the hospital I was born at. My REAL birth certificate, issued by the state, looks completely different as it is more detailed (more info about my parents: ages, place of their birth, current employment at the time of my birth). There is no way I could have used the one from the hospital to get my driver's license or anything else of an official matter in my state.

    I'm so damn tired of all this nonsense. STFU birthers. Black man in White House is an American. Suck it.

  • glamourdammerung

    One would think the GOP would point out half the slimy crap this moron has done because he may be the only person that has less of a chance of winning a serious presidential election than Sarah Palin.

  • sezme

    Wait, how can our editor's dead dog be expected to produce this alleged long-form squirrel-killing document … when she's DEAD????

    Too soon?

  • ttommyunger

    "What's he hiding?" A bald spot the size of a fucking dinner plate, that's what he's hiding!

  • Slim_Pickins

    But this is what birthers mean by a "birth certificate," because you can't trust those issued by the govmint. After all what does a county clerk know about vital records.

  • sezme

    Huckabee on Trump:
    But then if you think about it, his perspective as growing up in Jamaica with a Scottish mother and grandfather, their view of the Scottish Wars of Independence is very different than ours because he probably grew up hearing that the British were a bunch of imperialists who persecuted his grandfather.

    • ShaveTheWhales


  • horsedreamer_1

    No. Orly Taitz, Geraldo, & John Stossel!

  • Schmannnity

    Trump was born in Jamaica? Hey, mon, only natural born Americans! Go sit with Schwartzenegger.

  • fuflans

    well if this stunt is any indication, we will have more sarah style screw-ups to make us laugh.

    republicans are apparently after comedy ratings, not the presidency.

  • DemonicRage

    Remember the Trump wife two or three wives ago who inspired the NY Post headline, "Best Sex I ever had!" She should be enlisted to publically snip off that rat's ass that Trump wears as a rug, and this should be done in public, preferably with Geraldo Rivera hosting.

  • PhilippePetain


  • thefrontpage


    There. Let's see how the psycho right-wing wingnut teabaggers like a taste of their own bad medicine.

    • UpfistFairy

      Needs moar misspellings. Also.

  • JoeBiteme

    This is the greatest news story ever.

    • Negropolis

      Also, the most luxurious, the most opulent, and the most golden story ever.


  • Any suspicious superscripts?

  • Trump is the Sam Yorty of 2012, except without the zeal to use nukes in a foreign war. (Yet.)

  • Negropolis

    What is he hiding, you ask? I'm not sure, but the first place I'd look for the answer is under that thing perched adroitly atop his scalp. I'd not be surprised to find the man is smuggling Moolamics Terrists beneath that coifed contraption, and maybe a few Messicans and a mistress to boot.

    The Republican Primary is shapping up the be the Island of Misfit Toys with the exception that the misfit toys actually had redeeming qualities.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    They didn't try that, did they? Couldn't have looked worse than Trump's piece.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    The Invisible Handjob.

  • DoUResearch

    Wow! That's great you all can joke at a time when we have the most incompetent President ever and we are in our most serious and destructive crisis as a nation!! Wake up America!!

  • mick33325

    Amazing how everyone rips this guy so badly. He's a business man. He knows his name is a brand, just like Stouffers or NBC or any one of a thousand others who constantly bombard you with their brand so they can get market share. He runs and has run for many years, successful business endeavors. He really employs people and pays them to work! Amazing huh? Capitalism….not socialism. I already have a huge amount taken out of my check every week to pay for programs that are wasteful and foolish. At least this guy might run the country like a large business and make it financially viable again. Obama has been unable to do even close to that. Oh..wait? oh…I hear it coming….now you will rip me for supporting the guy…lol…what? my hair stinks too? the above comments are some of the most childish and silly comments i have ever read…

    • mumbly_ジョジョ

      Donald trump went bankrupt running a CASINO- I'm not sure exactly what rubric of "success" you're using here, but since he kinda failed at the one business venture that virtually guarantees a net profit, I'm kinda left scratching my head, here.

      And that's notwithstanding the fact that if you actually wanted to run down a tally of things that are wrong with our government, it actually reads like a list of "best practices" for most businesses: policies oriented around what's good on an extremely short time horizon that's willfully blind to long-term consequences? Check. An affinity for rent-seeking? At least the way conservatives talk about it. More concerned with limiting costs than product quality? Bingo. The purpose of government isn't to turn a tidy profit for its shareholders, it's to ensure the peace and well-being of its citizens in both the short and longterm. Confusing one for the other is an invitation to a kleptocratic banana republic.

      In conclusion, I can't really comment as to precisely how ugly you are, but you are *definitely* stupid, and probably smell, also, too.

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