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  • Almost a year after the worst oil spill in Recorded History, the picturesque Gulf Coast is once again teeming with life: From Mexico to Florida, small children are building sand condos, birds are squawking “thanks for cleaning all that oil off me, you guys rule,” and delicious popcorn shrimps are jumping out of the clean blue water, in hopes that someone will eat them. Ha-ha, actually: All the foolish children who like playing on the beach have been poisoned by toxic BP dispersants, all the birds are dead (probably), and DON’T EAT THAT POPCORN SHRIMP! Scientific data suggests that the Gulf Coast is being molested by downpours of toxic rain — and did we mention all the dead baby dolphins, and how there is a gag order preventing scientists from discussing why all these baby dolphins are washing up on the shores, dead as can be? (Uh, BP just announced that it will not compensate a whole bunch of poisoned, oil-ravaged communities. Instead, BP’s claims processing CEO will raise money for Bobby Jindal.) [WHNT/HuffPo/Al Jazeera]
  • Japan is on “maximum alert,” which probably won’t prevent radioactive liquid from seeping into the ground/water supply/everything. Meanwhile, radiation from the Fukushima plant has been detected in Glasgow. [AP]
  • A Wal-Mart gender discrimination case will be heard by the Supreme Court. [CNN]
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  • Dolphin Sushi!
    ~

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      might be a bit oily

    • Hey! I'm eating…baby dolphin!

    • SorosBot

      Considering how Japanese fisherman love to massacre dolphins, that probably exists.

      • horsedreamer_1

        That documentary, The Cove, was good… for seeing Hayden Pannettiere in a swimsuit/wetsuit.

    • lilblacktombo

      oil av some of that. hahaha

  • Weenus299

    I woke up this morning and found out George W. Bush is still president, and feel wonderfuls….

  • baconzgood

    I can't wait to read the Supreme Court transcripts. Clarence Thomas asks such poignant questions regarding discrimination.

    • OC_Surf_Serf

      Thomas : Teller as Scalia : Penn

      • horsedreamer_1

        Penn is also an intellectually lazy Libertarian.

        (The circle is complete.)

        • Terry

          Penn, at least, has a bit of charm about him.

          • SorosBot

            And is willing to admit when he's wrong at times; like when he apologized for his former global warming denialism.

          • glamourdammerung

            Yeah, but it takes a lot to get him to do so and he tends to be a bit prickishly smug about it for my taste.

          • e_z

            Well props to both Penn and Teller for busting AA's bullshit http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_edJHURXhw&fe

  • Plowmon

    No, I live on the Gulf Coast and can tell you these are Spring Break dolphins. They drink too much, try to climb from condo balcony to condo balcony, dive 3 stories into pools, have BACs of better than 3.0 and die, die, die…

    • It's really sad, every year there's always a story in the paper about one of the spring break dolphins trying to dive into the pool from their balconey! When will the madness end?!

      • horsedreamer_1

        When Pat Jordan says it will.

        (Google "spring broken".)

    • GOPCrusher

      Have they found that dead blonde dolphin in Aruba yet?

      • And put Nancy Grace out of a job?! She's probably has the bones buried in her back yard.

    • jonzin

      I grew up in Panama City and I can confirm that the spring break dolphins truly get out of control down there. But, you know in a free country, people or dolphins are free to make mistakes, amiright?

      • Plowmon

        This is true. And speaking of Spring Break mistakes, the 'Girls Gone Wild' videographer's trial is coming up soon!

  • freakishlywrong

    Floriduh and it's never ending assholishness disasters. Come for the great salaries, worker-friendly jawbs and great schools! Stay for the dead baby dolphins and fascist, bald Governors.

    • horsedreamer_1

      When Pat Jordan says it will.

      (Google "spring broken".)

    • Terry

      Don't forget that the roads loaded with elderly drivers.

      • genxr

        I call them free fire zones. You can legally shoot them if you feel your life is in danger

      • freakishlywrong

        I shan't. I nearly perish in a fiery death daily just trying to get to my just above poverty paying jawb.

    • V572del c:/*.* y/n?

      Florida's greatest gift to America lasted eight unbearable years and is still paying dividends in Iraqistan.

    • DahBoner

      Great salaries in FL?

      Sure, if you pretend it's 1985…

      • freakishlywrong

        Don't tell anyone. It's sarcasm. Shhh…

  • ApplesauceRobot

    I just made the mistake of looking at my comments from last night. Shouldn't drink and post is what I learned.

    Anyway, good morning America/Wonkette. Greetings from (near) the gulf coast. The shrimp really does taste good and can't be more toxic than Wonkette's typical collective nightly dinner/drug/alcohol buffet.

    • They read O.K. to me last night, but i was also shitfaced.

      • undeterredbyreality

        Am I the only one here who takes this job seriously?

        • Gopherit

          This is basically your job, too, huh?

  • Barbara_i

    What has 12 teeth and 40 feet? The plaintiff's witness bench at the Wal Mart hearing. (I'm giving myself a time out for this one)

    • V572del c:/*.* y/n?

      Well worth a thumbs up.

      • Barbara_i

        Thank you!

    • jonzin

      So wrong and yet, so right!

  • Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    One of these things is not like the others,
    One of these things just doesn't belong,
    Can you tell which thing is not like the others
    By the time I finish my song?

  • arihaya

    we are all dead Baby Dolphins now …..

    • DaRooster

      I am deathly afraid you are right.

    • baconzgood

      I keep thinking of that Simpsons where they were at war with the Dolphins. Springfield need som BP action.

    • DahBoner

      Dolphins are drop dead gorgeous…

  • Ugh. Didn't we just get done discussing baby dolphin deaths a couple of weeks ago? I saw an internet PSA by BP telling me that Gulf Shores, AL was completely clean and people are going there for their vacays. Good enough for me!

    • baconzgood

      I'm with you. BP has NEVER lied before….Oh wait.

      • Terry

        Are the British tabloids still insisting that the US is making up all this stuff about the spill due to our obvious anti-British tendencies?

    • I'm in Pensacola, a mullet-throw away from Gulf Shores and Orange Beach. You remember the old anti-Semitic joke about the Jewish dilemma — pork at half price? It's kinda like that for business people here. They have a strong incentive to embellish their suffering from BP to qualify for payments, and a strong incentive to minimize the damage to keep the tourists from staying away in droves. I think the porpoises are caught in the crossfire.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I'm only about 30 miles from the Gulf Coast. I hope Mexico Beach is not getting toxic rain when I go there for some time off after I return from my trip to New Jersey.

    • Terry

      Mexico Beach is gorgeous. I envy you.

    • DaRooster

      Are you going to Jersey to build up your immunity? Should work out fine.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Naw. Just some "family business".

    • jonzin

      I'm going to Panama City next week and i have the same concerns. You can always spend your time beating up a hobo if there is acid rain coming down.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    With BP, and now Tokyo Electric, I sure am glad we live in a world where corporations take care of us.

    • GOPCrusher

      Makes me feel better about giving tax breaks to companies like G.E..

  • Come here a minute

    They could at least ask the BP CEO to show up in court and sing Willie Nelson songs.

    • Terry

      This is a marine disaster. He should sing sea chanties.

  • PsycWench

    What, nothing about how Newt Gingrich is terrified that his grandchildren will live in in a US with a secular atheist government dominated by radical Islamists?

    • Like Newt really matters anymore, except as a punchline about cancer.

      • PsycWench

        We may need the un-bitter snark potential the way today is starting.

      • Terry

        …and infidelity.

      • DaRooster

        That is quite possibly the worst way to use the words "Newt" and "punch" in a sentence.

        True though…

        • undeterredbyreality

          Da brain! Da brain! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

    • horsedreamer_1

      Sweden?

    • widestanceroman

      Those secular atheists make the most radical Islamists, because they believe there is only one non-existent deity.

    • genxr

      It's okay. I'm pretty sure those dolphins werent xtian

    • Winnie_Cooper

      I was really hoping for a full post about that one.

  • DaRooster

    Most of it is "Dolphin Safe"… you don't think for a minute some greedy, sea raping, polluting corporation would lie about such a thing do you?

    • baconzgood

      HEY!!! This is Umerica, not some Fancy-Smanshy French Eurasia country. I want dolphin in my tuna. If I didn't want dolphin in my tuna the free market would dictate to me that I can't have it. Go back to Canada Rooster!!!!!

      • horsedreamer_1

        Here's what you do: eat your girlfriend.

        & I don't mean in the Ed Gein way.

        • V572del c:/*.* y/n?

          How about the John Edwards way?

          • horsedreamer_1

            That's how you get your mistress pregnant?

      • DaRooster

        God, I wish!

  • baconzgood

    I'll never watch Flipper the same again.

    • ApplesauceRobot

      Next season Flipper swims to the coast of Japan. Hilarity/awfulness ensues.

      • Stay away from that partially enclosed atoll, Flipper!!!!

      • Stay away from that partially-enclosed atoll, Flipper!!!!!

      • PsycWench

        "They call him Flipper, Flipper
        He's brightly glowing…"

    • genxr

      The dolphin who played Flipper committed suicide.

  • dude, you gotta get an understandin' with your woman – no bacon and no tuna obvs. makes for a very unhappy baconzgood /sadface

    • baconzgood

      It's tough but she puts out alot.

      • Damn, the sex must be super good, then. Godspeed, baconzgood, Godspeed.

        • PsycWench

          reminds me of overhearing male relatives discuss my brother's attraction to a total bitch girlfriend
          "Damn, her pussy must shoot sparks or something"

          • Terry

            I overheard a comment once along the lines "she must have a trick pelvis or something".

          • ShaveTheWhales

            Left hand thread.

          • GOPCrusher

            It's amazing how much B.S. you can put up with, if the woman swallows and can cook.

      • Can I correlate no tuna with puts out a lot? That could be useful someday.

        • OneDollarJuana

          I always thought "no tuna" was a euphemism for no nookie. At least one kind has less mercury.

  • Mumbletypeg

    Almost a year after the worst oil spill in Recorded History

    Someone remind me of a better reason to celebrate 4.20.2011 than this?

    …oh yeah, just one thread over, there's the reminder

    • [redacted]hse

      4.20 is 420. Let's not allow BP to co-opt this.

  • PublicLuxury

    Woman bitching about having to work at the Wal-Mart is hurting Wal-Mart's feelings. She hurt their feelings.

    • GOPCrusher

      What about the feelings of all the people that have been subjected to the images from thepeopleofwalmart.com?

  • Blendergoathead

    At least that slimball whatsisfuckingface got his life back, correct? Happy endings all around!

  • SorosBot

    From the linked article – "The U.S. government is keeping a tight lid on its probe into scores of unexplained dolphin deaths along the Gulf Coast". Um, can you call something "unexplained" when it's really fucking obvious?

    Also, to the local news channel – fuck you for the automatic pop-up ad with fucking sound; some people browse the internet at work assholes.

    • Terry

      They're probably keeping a lid on the probe to avoid speculation as to the cause (Space aliens are killing our dolphins! Did Douglas Adams predict this? News at 10!) and so that the data can potentially be used in the lawsuit against BP.

  • DaRooster

    "Uh, BP just announced that it will not compensate a whole bunch of poisoned, oil-ravaged communities."
    That's because they have already paid enough… in pain, anguish and broken hearts. BP is so sad… and probably broke too. LEAVE BP ALONE!

    • SorosBot

      We should apologize to BP for saying mean things about them.

      • PsycWench

        and have a bake sale to help them make ends meet.

        • and give them a seat on the House Energy Com…oh nevermind.

        • Terry

          Send them a nice bowl of gumbo made with seafood caught near the spill site.

  • PublicLuxury

    That Mama dolphin knew there was a chance that her baby would die; but she went and got herself pregnant anyway. She CHOSE to have her baby in a cesspool of oil and acid rain. It is ALL the mother's fault.

    • Barbara_i

      Give the sharks a little more time and she won't have the ability to choose whether she wants to have that baby.

      • horsedreamer_1

        The mother should have done right by the child & moved to Maricopa County, Arizona.

    • comptoneffect

      NO MORE DOLPHIN SOCIALISM. I want my Gulf of Mexico back!!1!

      • genxr

        The free market will decide if the gulf should be a dolphin playground or an oil toilet.

    • BarryOPotter

      Wow, you're really good at that. A little too good for your own safety. Consider a two week news black out as a means of detoxing. Your teatards levels are red lining…

  • horsedreamer_1

    Never to be one-upped, Piyush simply will not allow Scooter's affections for the Koch to exceed the Louisiana governor's own love for the very company that is ruining his state's habitability.

  • freakishlywrong

    It rained like hell here yesterday in this awful dong of U.S. America. Where I used to love the rain and welcomed it for it's nourishment; I now fear it for it's dispersants, oil and radiation. Will be deformed like a stone crab soon, I guess.I can't believe I just typed that last sentence.

    • comptoneffect

      Sure you complain now but those pincher claws are gonna come in handy next time you have to open a jar or pull out a nail.

    • If Florida is America's dong, then Mobile must be America's asshole, and Pensacola is America's taint. And oil and dispersant are America's santorum.

  • Missippichicky

    I live in Mississippi and I am fortunate enough to have a bro-in-law in the Coast Guard who also lives here and, well, guards our waters. So I was at his house this weekend and he was laughingly telling me about how he just finished pollution school. Then he tells me how that works basically is that you should spray everything thing with Simple Green and THEN call the coast guard, or they will come and spray it for you and you will get a fine. But all it does is "disperse" (read congeal and sink) the pollution (which he "doesn't give a fuck about the environment", by the way). Then he told me this great story about how one of the people over filled a boat with diesel fuel for about 5 or 6 minutes (which translates into a huge, huge amount of diesel right into the Missippi river), so to "clean up" they sprayed and entire 55 gallon drum of Simple Green on it and took care of all the pollution.

    SO anyhow, I was so happy and excited to know that at least the Coast Guard is still looking out for the environment.

  • hagajim

    I'm dying next to you….in silent toxicity….

  • The Nippon nuke news is so fucking typical–just a bit at a time but every report is worse than the one before and is always couched with "we don't really know what is going on" language.

    The reality is probably that we will all be dead of radiation sickness before the last dead baby dolphin washes up on the shore of the North American caliphate.

    • DaRooster

      Stop it, you're scaring me…
      (Not really… I'm numb… Scotch, Scotch, I like Scotch)

      It used to be so nice to have little to worry about comparatively.

    • GOPCrusher

      I, for one, welcome our new cockroach overlords.

      • BarryOPotter

        Hey, Trump has won't yet!

  • For one the CDC will tell ya the extra iodine will help you avoid getting a goiter. Just go with the flow glow and enjoy savings on yer power bill from getting rid of night lights.

  • DahBoner

    Awww! Does this mean no more Bubba Gump shrimp cocktails?

    • MrsBiggTime

      Nope. But try our new Bubba Jindal shrimp cocktails. Since our college kids can't afford tuition anymore, there will be plenty of dropouts to work in our local seafood eateries, for $2.05/hr plus tips… By the way, we import our shrimp from China, so at least you won't have to worry about the crude!

      • Ducksworthy

        On the other hand, Melamine in the fish meal the feed they shrimp you might want to worry about. Fortunately, in the free market paradise that is modern communist china, you'll never hear about it.

  • mavenmaven

    Just think, generations from now, the surviving life on earth (cockroaches) will never know what a dolphin was.

  • MrsBiggTime

    Here's a cool idea – let's use the money we got from BP to throw a bicentennial party!

  • Guppy06

    Jindal is just going to give the BP folks an exorcism for a nominal fee! Stop making a mountain out of a molehill!

  • DaRooster

    Hey, has anyone noticed an influx of planes landing in Denver this week? Looks like it's about time for them bunkers to start filling up.

  • Count my high as seriously bummed.

  • undeterredbyreality

    Meanwhile, Egypt has released a cobra in the Bronx zoo.

    • Gopherit

      Was it wearing a suicide bomb vest?

      • BarryOPotter

        Yeah, but the fucking thing keeps slipping off – oops! Uh, nevermind…

  • Come on. How can they pay compensation claims when they have to spend so much on those ads about how everything is totally cool?

  • Gopherit

    Fuck you american "news" organizations. If I have to keep going to Al Jazeera to get real news, there's gonna be some fatwahs and sharia law up in this bitch. Wait, does that mean no more alcohol? Never mind. Carry on.

    • sati_demise

      Then head on over to the Russian Times. great reporting, too.

  • jonzin

    I'm going fishing in Panama City in a week. I'm glad the dolphin are dying. More fish for me! Or, it's so sad that I want to check into a Motel 6 and drink myself to death. Whichever. Also, too, drill baby drill!

    • I wouldn't eat nything of course, but you might be able to save on travel expenses by tossing a red snapper into your gas tank.

  • fuflans

    and it's only tuesday…

  • loulouroo

    Meanwhile, as we breath this crap, our not-so-fair Guvna's whored himself out: http://www.nola.com/politics/index.ssf/2011/03/bp

  • SkinnyNerd

    Also, the guy in charge of compensating the victims just got a $400,000 raise. Come on people, don't be so negative.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    So, Waggs, I know this is contravening a breach of the snark, but a couple of those links?

    BP is refusing to pay some Alabama cities that are, apparently, a hundred miles inland, which sued for loss of tax revenue because of fewer tourists traveling THROUGH them to get to the Gulf coast. Even evil shit-for-ethics environment-fucking asshole corporations can be hit with baseless opportunistic lawsuits.

    Re the gag order on dead baby dolphins: this one could, indeed, turn out to be the guvmint trying to disappear the evidence. OTOH, it could, just possibly, turn out that it's the guvmint trying to preserve the evidentiary value of the evidence, like they say.

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