The Confectionery Lobby: D.C.’s Cupcakes Have Gone Too Far

  barack obama got you a cupcake

It turns out that the biggest evil in this great nation isn’t the Koch Brothers after all. Their evil is no match for “heaping swirls of luscious confection atop rich, creamy pastry,” also known as cupcakes. You see, while this set of extremist billionaires was busy using their money to Kochblock unions, students from voting, et cetera and so forth, cupcakes were being used by lobbyists for AT&T to influence policy: 1,500 cupcakes supplied by D.C.’s own Georgetown Cupcake were delivered by AT&T to the F.C.C.’s headquarters while the F.C.C. was debating how Internet service providers should manage their traffic- and just as AT&T was looking into merging with T-Mobile. Yes, courtesy of a local D.C. business, this once innocent sugary concoction that you may remember from your childhood is now a lobbyist’s wet dream.

As the New York Times reports, AT&T certainly isn’t the most innocent of corporations:

Over the last two decades, AT&T employees and its political action committees have pumped more campaign contributions into federal politics than any other American corporation, the Center for Responsive Politics reports. In the last election cycle, AT&T contributions found their way to 390 representatives and 70 senators.

And why did they choose cupcakes and not some other overpriced single-serving dessert, like whoopie pies or macaroons, that are also indicative of just how gluttonous and bored yuppies have become?

DELICIOUS cupcakes create good will, of course.

 
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GOOD WILL! We do not need Good Will. We need to pay a fair sum of money to play Angry Birds and Words with Friends and have our calls dropped, constantly. Now that cupcakes are just a shill for corporations, and that Georgetown Cupcake, with its teevee show and bigger storefront with ridiculous lines, is influencing policy this has to mean the end of this trend, right?

We here are Wonkette headquarters are more than happy to include Georgetown Cupcake on the long list of items that we are boycotting the fuck out of, ha ha, not that we ever ate them anyway. We will just continue to enjoy our cloth napkins, Go-Gurt and whatever Bittman tells us to eat. [NYT]

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About the author

Arielle Fleisher is the Wonkabout. She roams D.C. seeking tasty foods, cheap drinks, whole-pig BBQs, think tank events, street fairs and other local horrors.

View all articles by Arielle Fleisher

Hola wonkerados.

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44 comments

  1. DaRooster

    "GOOD WILL! We do not need Good Will."

    Folks in Michigan NEED The Goodwill… gotta wear something.

  2. GuyClinch

    OT, but I might just get a celebratory cupcake because not two minutes ago I learned that my long-awaited divorce was granted! Now, where can I get a vodka cupcake?

    Thanks for allowing me to share my joy.

  3. SayItWithWookies

    The real story here is that the bottom has apparently fallen out of the bribery market. Ten years ago AT&T would've had to pay millions in laundered campaign contributions, and now they can get away with delivering 1500 cupcakes. Our bureaucratic whores are lowering everyone's potential illegal income with their sorry-ass third-world standards.

    1. PocketsTheClown

      Absolutely. We've regressed to being able to bribe people with food. What are we, DPRK?

  4. chicken_thief

    Is the NYT sure that the "cupcakes" in question are, in fact, the small cake-like thingies and not twinks?!

  5. BlueMonkeh

    Unless the cupcakes had money or gold coins or death threats stuffed inside them – meh.

    See, if I'm the recipient of said cupcake, I just figure I better stretch this out further so I can be the beneficiary of more "good will" cupcakes because cake is delicious.

  6. PalinPussyPower

    Is "cupcake" a euphamism for "twink" or "rentboy" or something? I can never keep up with kids these days and their zany phrases.

  7. DownFist Troll

    THEY HAVE SOILED THE REPUTATION OF THE CUPCAKE!!!!! THAT WAS THE LAST STRAW!!! THIS MEANS WAR!!!!!

    CUPCAKE OR DEATH!

  8. The_Great_Gazoo

    When told that the Michigan peasants had no bread, Gov. Snyder said, "Let them eat cupcakes."

  9. mull_man

    1. I'm fairly certain that Good Will is George Will's slutty daughter

    2. A better use of those cupcakes would be to ship them to SF, stack them one atop the other and stick a GSM base transceiver with AT&T frequencies on it. That or reintroduce competition to the mobile phone market.

  10. SorosBot

    Why so down on the planned AT&T-T-Mobile merger? With only two major cell phone service providers in America I'm sure they will refrain from fucking over their customers because the invisible hand shall prevent them.

      1. SorosBot

        Or the breakup of Ma Bell, but reversed. Just think, soon you may not be able to buy a cell phone, just rent them; and they'll be nearly identical, made of solid metal and weigh about 10 pounds.

  11. PublicLuxury

    No wonder 'Mericans are soooooo fat. They all get gratuity cupcakes delivered daily. You know the people of Haiti don't even have a cup much less a cupcake. So let's send some cupcakes to Haiti. Our FLOTUS will pick up the postage and then make us join the local gym.

  12. mrpuma2u

    Cupcake schmupcake. You wanna bribe me, you need some kinda kick ass sammich with bacon in it. Sorosbot's snark is jabbing in the right direction. Now we would be down to Verizon, the Deathstar (AT&T just look at their logo) and US Cellular as the big three players. They won't conspire to ass rape us financially will they?

  13. thefrontpage

    A bunch of us living in the sane, rational, real world have news for everyone: Twice now, friends have bought some of those over-hyped, over-priced, ridiculously normal "Georgetown cupcakes" for us, from that over-hyped, over-priced place in Georgetown, and we can tell the world now: There is literally nothing special–nothing–about those stupid, bland, normal cupcakes from a little shop in Georgetown. Nothing. They taste exactly the same as those old, stale, mass-produced, industrial-produced cupcakes churned out on assembly lines by Hostess, Sara Lee, Generic Brands, Bland Cupcakes, or anything else. They taste exactly like a cupcake you could buy at Safeway, at Giant, at Food Lion, at your local 7-11, if they have cupcakes, or at any local gas station with some stale food products back in the store. The stupid obcession with these cupcakes from Georgetown has to do with one thing, and one thing only: television.

  14. anniegetyerfun

    I have yet to try a Seattle area cupcake that didn't suck ass. Sickly sweet frosting, dry cake, ridiculous price tag. It almost makes me happy to be diabetic; gives me an excuse to turn down those little dollops of death at hipster parties and weddings. "Oh, no, I can't, but thank you."

  15. tiredalways

    This is definitely good news for Hoveround ~ Now they got constituents & their representative all as customers..

  16. finallyhappy

    Seriously, I thought I saw Carl Bernstein standing in the doorway of Red Velvet(cupcakes) today around 1 PM. Probably not but it looked like him- I considered saying ":CARL, CARL" loudly but if he answered- then what would I do?

  17. finallyhappy

    Reply to myself- just looked at recent photos of Carl Bernstein so I unless I traveled back in time 20 years(when there were no cupcake stores), it was NOT Carl Bernstein

  18. snicker snack

    Absofuckinglutely boycott georgetown cupcake. I hate that place passionately, mostly because they were rude to me and refused to deliver outside the beltway even though my office literally borders the fucking beltway. And you can get just as good, if not better cupcakes from Baked and Wired or maybe even Sprinkles which are both in Georgetown and don't have ridiculous lines. Assholes.

  19. JulianaNorwich

    I hate that place so much. Unfortunately, turning on 35th St. is the best way to get to my socialist Jesuit church from M St, and now that it's tourist season there are always packs of idiots walking in the street.

    Their cupcakes really are nothing special. Red Velvet in Chinatown or Hello Cupcake in DuPont are way better if you really need a fix.

  20. ShaveTheWhales

    THIS IS NOT CUPCAKE TRANSCENDENCE!!!!!!!!1!!!!one!!!!

    P.S. Cupcakes suck. Just give me a slab of cake or a deep-fried donut.

Comments are closed.