paultards > 'boners for johnson'

Gary Johnson Running For President So He Can Be Embarrassed By Ron Paul

Gary Johnson will formally announce his candidacy for president in April while stumping in New Hampshire, an adviser told POLITICO.

The former New Mexico governor will skip the step of creating an exploratory committee, opting for an immediate start to his bid for the GOP nomination.

Telling Politico! Fancy.

Gary Johnson is a libertarian has-been politician who could get some support if neither of the Pauls run. But one will. So he will scoop up whatever few libertarian Republican loners think even Ron Paul is too popular and mainstream for them to support.

Gary Johnson is your next president, is what we’re saying. [Politico]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • SorosBot


    • Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

      That's been my response to about half the veritable bestiary of candidates and "candidates" and people who are thinking about maybe considering forming a committee to talk about the possibility of running for an office that may or may not be the presidency this election cycle.

      My response to the other half?


  • nounverb911
    • not that Dewey

      Very interesting…

      • mourningnmerica

        But Shtoopit.

        I guess you probably saw that coming.

    • mavenmaven

      Oh, didn't see that you beat me to this reference, great minds and all…

  • Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    Oh, I think everyone is already embarrassed by Ron Paul.

  • horsedreamer_1

    His campaign will be derailed by rumours of his Messican origins.

    Show us the birth certificate!

    • Andrew Drinker

      Well..he was governor of NEW Mexico!!!!

      It's a conspiracy!

  • horsedreamer_1

    Also, I don't think moralist Ron Paul — I know, odd, for a Libertarian &/or libertarian — supports gay marriage. So, really, he & Gijjy* only have the weed in common.

    *The former Governor's hip-hop name. From his initials, GJ.

    • glamourdammerung

      You are usually supposed to capitalize the name of a religion. I hope that clears any confusion up.

    • trampndirtdown

      Ron Paul certainly didn't support Bruno taking his pants off

      • horsedreamer_1

        I just read this as Bono taking his pants off. Couldn't decide which would be worst, though: Pantsless Undead Sonny, Depantsed lady-boy Chaz, or Naked from the Waist Down Mirror-shaded Bonovox.

  • mavenmaven

    Very interesting… but not likely (ok, ok, that was an obscure Johnson reference, Ruth Buzzi would get it, though).

  • JoeBiteme

    I'm not sure Gary Johnson needs Ron Paul's help to be embarrassing.

  • Moonbat

    The other problem, beside his being overshadowed by either (or both! Paul/Paul 2012!) Paul, is that Gary Johnson simply isn't crazy and/or panderrific enough to play with your Gingriches, Bachmanns, and Romneys. His kind of Republican hasn't had a shot at national office in thirty or forty years.

  • 4TheTurnstiles

    this year's Mike Gravel, ladies and gentlemen!

    • Gopherit

      Gravel's commercials were brilliant. Yes, we'd probably be a post apocalyptic hellscape if he had been elected……but damn those commercials were awesome.

      • GuyClinch

        Yes, you're right. So for now US America is only a pre-apocalyptic hellscape.

  • BarackMyWorld

    OT, but here.

    • finallyhappy

      I've never actually listened to Crazy-Eyes- is Sara doing a good imitation?

  • Come here a minute

    Here's a tough question: Would it be worse to be embarrassed by Ron Paul or Rand Paul? At least the older one has blimps; the younger one is just a fake eye doctor.

  • Gopherit

    From wikipedia:

    "Personal life

    Johnson is an avid triathlete who bikes extensively and abstains from all recreational drug use, caffeine, alcohol, and some sugar products."

    Fuck this guy. He does not represent Murikan Valuez.

    • Oblios_Cap

      He sounds like a real dick.

      • SexySmurf

        He sounds like a Mormon.

        • Gopherit

          Strangely, no. He's Lutheran. And an insufferable asshole.

    • CthuNHu

      Well, I reckon as I'll jes' be takin' this Bailey's Irish Cream back out of the gift box and keepin' it fer mahself.

  • PublicLuxury

    Wasn't Gary the guy that stomped on the neck/head of that teeny tiny girl after he dragged her down to the pavement?

    I like that guy. Very decisive. Very manly. Excellent public relation skills.

  • weejee

    Who's putting together this herd of GOpee candidates?

    A. The DNC
    B. The Daily Kos
    C. The Daily Show
    D. Rachel Maddow
    E. Ken Layne

    • horsedreamer_1

      All of them, Charlie.

    • [redacted]hse

      Psst…Layne has the most to gain. Him and Arianna Huffington.

  • sati_demise

    He is actually a good candidate. Loved him in New Mexico. He hasn't got a chance.

  • mourningnmerica

    It's a pipe dream. He'll never match the name recognition of Herman Cain.

  • DownFist Troll

    I for one, welcome our new Randian overlord.

  • hagajim

    The only Johnson I want to be Preznit is my Johnson!

    • horsedreamer_1

      Reminds me of the Big Johnson Brand tee-shirts I used to see at my high-school. (How they cleared the threshold for "inappropriate" attire, I know not; I only know that, for purposes of enrollment at West Allis schools, beer is NOT swell.)

      "The State of Our Union Is Turgid"

    • [redacted]hse

      Campaign banners instead of posters, I assume?

  • loulouroo

    RonRand 2012! And then I hope the earth just swallows us all up.

  • friendlyskies

    Ron Paul > Gary "Big J" Johnson > Rand Paul

    Unless you're really into the "green chile," if you know what I mean.

  • Pragmatist2

    We are ALL embarrassed by Ron Paul.

  • Gopherit

    everything but shitty tootsie rolls and candy corn, I bet.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    This guy is pro-pot legalization (if I remember correctly); he doesn't stand a chance!

  • GOPCrusher

    Marshmallow Peeps.

  • GOPCrusher

    Didn't stop people from throwing their votes away on Ralph Nader.

    • finallyhappy

      Hey, he is someone else I see occasionally(because live in the DC area long enough and you will see Ralph). I think next time, I will call him a douchebag.

  • GregComlish

    Gary Johnson was an ok Governor. He had his cloying libertarian naivety, but he didn't engage in culture war bullshit and he was willing to make some compromises. He wouldn't go along with this Obama-as-Kenyan-Socialist crap so he'll never manage to capture the fringe in which he competes. He believes in evolution, science, and even global warming. He also did some things that didn't work out well for New Mexico, like privatizing the prisons. He probably could have made up for his blunders if he succeeded in decriminalizing weed, but he failed.

  • deanbooth

    Is he the Gary from The Horrors of Spider Island? If he crosses his legs, he running!


  • finallyhappy

    Really, being the best gov. NEw Mexico ever had is like being a good council member here in Montgomery County, MD so doper or not- he is lost before he starts.

  • [redacted]hse

    Gary Johnson! He was SO funny on Laugh-In! LOL!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Fuck your sympathy! I don't need your sympathy, man, I need my fucking Johnson!

  • MinAgain

    I dunno. I think he could take Rand in a fair fight.

    • KenLayIsAlive

      Considering Rand had to have a goon stomp on a smallish frail woman for him, I doubt a fair fight with him is ever in the offing.