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Facebook ‘Likes’ To ‘Friend’ Robert Gibbs (Facebook Hiring Robert Gibbs)

''Millions of dollars,' Gibbs? Haha, now we're ALL multi-millionaires! ... Make sure to con some Islamic teens into doing terror bullshit.' What does a powerful, immense global online network worth $60 billion need more than anything? A cozy voice in the White House! That’s why Facebook is reportedly hiring Barack Obama’s former spokesman and best buddy Robert Gibbs. The ex-White House press secretary will make “millions of dollars” in salary and stock, according to the New York Times. What will Gibbs do for the Web’s top time-waster? He’ll help “manage the company’s communications,” perhaps by verbally attacking Facebook’s most loyal users. (“Professional losers,” he might call them, or “Fake-friend house-slobs who should be aggressively electrocuted, remotely.”)

And if Mark Zuckerberg hires one of John Boehner’s random siblings for $45,000 a year and maybe hires Ginni Thomas as a “columnist” or whatever, Facebook will have total control of the U.S. government. (The Senate is powerless.)

This will also help strengthen the social network’s role as the “new CIA and FBI,” because who needs actual expensive human agents (who haven’t figured out anything “secret” in about 30 years) when Facebook has perfected the espionage art of getting people to voluntarily type in all their personal information along with whatever “causes” they “like” (Baltimore Ravens, Subway footlongs, committing Islamic terrorism, Mafia Wars).

The NYT reports:

Facebook has also become a focus of Washington as lawmakers and regulators grapple with online privacy issues and Internet security. Facebook has already stepped up its lobbying efforts in Washington, which have included discussions with the Federal Trade Commission, the Office of the Director of National Intelligence and the Defense Intelligence Agency.

Have fun being rich, Gibbs! [New York Times]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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67 comments

  1. lilblacktombo

    And now, please welcome Former White House Press Secretary Robert Gibs *undifferentiated bodyparts ragdoll onto podium*

  2. PublicLuxury

    I'm surprised they didn't offer Dana Perino the job. Joe Arpiao would also be an excellent choice.

    1. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

      At least the old social diseases were fun to get, and ended in merciful death.

          1. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

            Ah, but wasn't Moses the Thag son of Ugg of pointing and grunting?

            …yeah, I think we've mined all the ore we're gonna get out of this particular vein.

          2. jus_wonderin

            But, but, wasn't Thag son of Ugg the oozing premodial carbon molecule of life that had no thumbs.

  3. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I am so looking forward to the coming civil war when this nation is split between Facebook and Google. It will be so much more interesting that the 'baggers and their rebellion for corporate tax breaks.

  4. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    Well, he certainly has a lot of experience explaining how violations of privacy (and other rights) aren't really that big of a deal and that we should stop complaining. Besides, it's not like Facebook has been illegally detaining anyone for indefinite periods or hooking up car batteries to their users genitals or whatnot (I am not a Facebook user, so let me know if this is incorrect), so this should actually be somewhat easier than his last gig.

  5. horsedreamer_1

    Sorkin's already writing the sequel.

    Rob Lowe has called thirteen times, already, about appearing in the movie.

    1. mayor_quimby

      I think you may have failed your internet driver's license test, yet you have a commenter account at our Wonkette. Good job, and an upfist in your general direction!

  6. MittsHairHelmet

    I'm surprised he didn't go work for Myspace, considering how lately the administration has been acting like its 2003.

  7. JoeBiteme

    It pleases me to imagine Gibbs taking orders from an entitled twenty-something in a hoodie…

  8. An_Outhouse

    I heard FaceBook was looking for a database administrator. Gibbs may be in for a surprise.

  9. Ancient_Hackery

    There is no justice. Robert Gibbs is the epitome of the guy that got pushed into the lockers in Junior High, mainly because his dad gave him crewcuts with what appeared to be a a weed-whacker.

    { Not that bullying is acceptable!, just sayin }

  10. Captain_Quark

    Does this mean that Gibbs will be taking orders from Sarah Palin, the woman who invented the Facebook and that Twatter thing, too?

    1. mayor_quimby

      Nope, but he is sure as hell ask for root access to her account on his first day. How could he NOT do that?? Look for her to come home to Rupert's Myspace and day now cuz she can't trust the lamestream social network anymore.

  11. randcoolcatdaddy

    Well, that's a switch. He quits a job working as a spokesperson and front man for a faceless corporate bureaucracy that is deaf to the wishes of its users and keeps vaguely talking about a bright future of profits and stock returns. Then he winds up working for Facebook.

  12. elviouslyqueer

    Gibbsy, two weeks ago: "Sorry Barry, I'm outta here. Wanna spend quality time with my son, get my life back, blah blah, etc."

    Gibbsy, yesterday: "Sorry son. Dad's got a new sweet multimillion dollar job. Sucks to be you, but money talks."

  13. Come here a minute

    Gibbs, make sure you stick a couple of more zeros on whatever offer they give you, they won't know the difference.

    1. jus_wonderin

      A big salary (like @ Facebook) is probably like winning the Lottery. Neither of which I have experience with. Now, dreams. Dreams, I got some of those.

      1. Jim89048

        Then you Sir/Madame, are very rich indeed. My dreams have all died in a bathtub, filled with bitter tears.

  14. bumfug

    Facebook will resist abuse by the Director of National Intelligence and the Defense Intelligence Agency about as well as Hollywood resisted McCarthyism.

  15. BaldarTFlagass

    the Web’s top time-waster?
    Since I don't facebook (is that a verb?), Wonkette takes that honor with me. Maybe I'd go visit my facebook page more than once every 18 months if I could score me some p points for clever repartee over there.

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