Facebook ‘Likes’ To ‘Friend’ Robert Gibbs (Facebook Hiring Robert Gibbs)

What does a powerful, immense global online network worth $60 billion need more than anything? A cozy voice in the White House! That’s why Facebook is reportedly hiring Barack Obama’s former spokesman and best buddy Robert Gibbs. The ex-White House press secretary will make “millions of dollars” in salary and stock, according to the New York Times. What will Gibbs do for the Web’s top time-waster? He’ll help “manage the company’s communications,” perhaps by verbally attacking Facebook’s most loyal users. (“Professional losers,” he might call them, or “Fake-friend house-slobs who should be aggressively electrocuted, remotely.”)

And if Mark Zuckerberg hires one of John Boehner’s random siblings for $45,000 a year and maybe hires Ginni Thomas as a “columnist” or whatever, Facebook will have total control of the U.S. government. (The Senate is powerless.)

This will also help strengthen the social network’s role as the “new CIA and FBI,” because who needs actual expensive human agents (who haven’t figured out anything “secret” in about 30 years) when Facebook has perfected the espionage art of getting people to voluntarily type in all their personal information along with whatever “causes” they “like” (Baltimore Ravens, Subway footlongs, committing Islamic terrorism, Mafia Wars).

The NYT reports:

Facebook has also become a focus of Washington as lawmakers and regulators grapple with online privacy issues and Internet security. Facebook has already stepped up its lobbying efforts in Washington, which have included discussions with the Federal Trade Commission, the Office of the Director of National Intelligence and the Defense Intelligence Agency.

Have fun being rich, Gibbs! [New York Times]