Obama To Declare Mission Accomplished In Libya War Tonight

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This always works, right?Though Secretaries of War Adventure Robert Gates and Hillary Clinton are “leaving open” exactly how many years in Libya the United States will be fighting a war to remove a despot they say they don’t want to remove, President Obama is continuing on with a scheduled address to the nation tonight on our cute new little war in which he will “discuss how our efforts in Libya have advanced our interests and averted a catastrophe,” according to the White House. Which is interesting, because just yesterday Gates said Libya did not pose a threat to the U.S. and going to war there was “not a vital national interest.” And our military says the gains made by the side we’re supporting in this civil war could fast be reversed if we ever stop bombing the other side. So our Nobel peace laureate will simultaneously pretend he doesn’t care if Gaddafi stays as dictator, sell the lie that we won’t be in Libya for a long time, and convince America this war is in its interest while the guy in charge of its military says it isn’t. Good thing he’s so good at talking and such!

“The regime still vastly overmatches opposition forces militarily,” Gen. Carter F. Ham, the ranking American in the coalition operation, warned in an email message on Monday. “The regime possesses the capability to roll them back very quickly. Coalition air power is the major reason that has not happened.”

“Four more years! Four more years of Hope, Change, and Endless War!” — Obama re-election slogan

On “This Week,” ABC News’ Senior White House Correspondent Jake Tapper asked Gates, “Do you think Libya posed an actual or imminent threat to the United States?”

“No, no,” Gates said in a joint appearance with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. “It was not — it was not a vital national interest to the United States, but it was an interest and it was an interest for all of the reasons Secretary Clinton talked about. The engagement of the Arabs, the engagement of the Europeans, the general humanitarian question that was at stake,” he said.

“The importance of the engagement of the Arabs and the Europeans is why you don’t have a job right now. But don’t let me make you think our objective is to defeat and remove Gaddafi. We don’t! We just like to bomb things in Libya!” — alternate Obama re-election slogan

Meanwhile, the U.S. is not going to war with Syria because no other country wants to. And, of course, because that hated leader is apparently our friend, so we call him a “reformer,” something the crowds being fired on by him seem to disagree with, but whatever, those particular humans aren’t a “humanitarian cause.”

Yep, this speech should definitely solve all the problems with our war machine! Cover yourself in the blood of Arabs and join us back here at 7:30 ET for our liveblog of the festivities. [NYT/ABC News]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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70 comments

  1. GunToting[Redacted]

    Think of all the jobs this is going to create! When does the Tripoli McDonald's start accepting applications?

    1. GOPCrusher

      Besides, the costs associated with our intervention in Libya, will be paid for with Libyan oil revenues.

  2. CookiE_MonstA

    We still have troops in Germany and Japan. THAT'S how long we are going to be in this for…

  3. randcoolcatdaddy

    Sigh … If we just had Teddy Roosevelt in the White House, all three of these wars would have been over in just a few days.

  4. harry_palmer

    As disgusting as the subject of this post is, at least it doesn't involve Newt's little soldier.

  5. PrezCamacho

    We need to be severe with Obama from now on – No more wars unless you get a Groupon discount first.

  6. Barbara_i

    I'm sure he's out in the rose garden right now, writing "mission accomplished" with his cigarette butts.

  7. V572 [REDACTED]

    If you're going to keep the empire neat and tidy, there are going to be these little janitorial tasks from time to time. Well, all the time, really. Just ask the Brits…well, no, bad example because their empire provided citizens at home with the world's highest standard of living, railroads, factories, subways, blah blah…

    We've got a lotta guys in jail, though, so that kinda counterbalances the child mortality rates, crumbling infrastructure, lack of public transportation, etc.

  8. elviouslyqueer

    In related news, the GOP is still clutching their pearls about Barry not consulting them ahead of time. Because that worked so well back in 2001 with that whole "rationale for bombing the shit out of Iraq" thing.

    1. SorosBot

      That, and some of them are clutching their pearls about how Barack consulted with the UN ahead of time; apparently respecting international law makes America week or something.

      1. HateMachine

        Everyone knows that Congress is a more important arbitrator of international relations and international military intervention than the United Nations.

  9. Oblios_Cap

    The importance of the engagement of the Arabs and the Europeans is why you don’t have a job right now.

    Rarely is the question asked "Is their upcoming nuptuals going to create as great an economic boon for the US as the Royal Wedding will create for the UK?"

  10. harry_palmer

    At least Newt and the Repubs have proved they don't give knee-jerk support to just any military action.

  11. SexySmurf

    I have a sneak preview of Obama's speech:

    "There has been too much violence. Too much pain. But I have an honorable compromise. Just walk away. Give me your pump, the oil, the gasoline, and the whole compound, and I'll spare your lives. Just walk away and we'll give you a safe passageway in the wastelands. Just walk away and there will be an end to the horror."

  12. Doktor Avalanche

    Why do RWers hate him again? How is is radically, let alone marginally, different from what they want for us?

    1. PublicLuxury

      He has affection for his wife and children and doesn't beat them. Also, too, he prolly has an enormous wanker and teapublicans are scared of anything bigger, better or smarter than theirs/them.

      1. Doktor Avalanche

        Okay, so he's got that whole 'human' thing going for him…but other than that, what have the Romans ever done for us?

    2. HateMachine

      This war is actually beneficial to the mostly brown citizens of a country on another continent. Hell, they invited the UNSC in. OF COURSE the GOP hates it.

  13. nounverb911

    The good news is that Obama isn't giving the speech on an aircraft carrier. The bad news is we don't get to see him in a flight suit.

  14. ThankYouJeebus

    Didn't this guy learn anything from his predecessor? The first reason is WMDs. Democracy on the March is number 5 or something.

  15. samsuncle

    Will Barry give his speach while wearing an Air Force Pilot's jumpsuit with an XXL codpiece?

    1. PublicLuxury

      I can't even bleieve you said that Sam! It is common knowledge that Obama's codpiece is an XXXXXL

    2. Moonbat

      Even now, I'd forgive him an awful lot if he walked up to the podium tonight and said, "'Scuse me while I whip this out…"

    1. HateMachine

      We should honestly start charging rent instead of just casually lending it. God knows we're taking a loss on the thing any time we're not using it ourselves.

  16. jus_wonderin

    I do wish that BO had asked for Republican "permission" so that they'd have some heat to take on this as well. Oh. Well.

    1. HateMachine

      That sums it up pretty nicely. I get really confused when people tell me that I'm supposed to be against us bombing the shit out of a pack of awful people in Libya so that they can't rape and/or murder a much larger number of mediocre-to-decent people.

      EDIT: In fact, can we get that piece forwarded to the White House? Maybe Barry can just read from it instead of whatever he's got prepped for tonight.

    2. HuddledMass

      What we're doing in Libya is not at all equivalent to the war in Iraq. I get it if you're a committed pacifist — but shielding civilians who are trying to stage a peaceful revolution? That can't be wrong.
      Maybe not smart, but we'll soon see.

  17. Weenus299

    What made him think a speech to the nation would make it all better? The last one, about that oil thing that never got resolved prettily, bombed and made us all hate his guts and hate gasoline so much that we had to burn it incessantly, 24 hours a day, pretty much like we've been doing in the 110 years leading up to the BP/Halliburton/Transocean disaster.

    This is good news for Fukujima, I guess.

    1. jus_wonderin

      They usually leave a 20 on the nightstand for me. That's enough for smokes and a fifth of vodka.

  18. Pragmatist2

    He will also declare an end to hostilities in the Seminoles Wars just to reduce the War Balance Sheet a bit.

  19. NewYorkJew

    Great re-election slogans, Jack … Hoping Obama takes heed.

    Here's one focused on domestic policy, usable by Democrats at all levels in 2012 (thinking, e.g., of the Cuomo budget "deal"):

    "Government of the people, by the millionaires, for the millionaires!"

  20. Asa_Hawks

    Hi Barry, I have a few quick questions:

    1. What is the point?
    2. How long is this going to be?
    3. Why ?

    Thanks.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      I'm not sure if I just got downfisted because our troll is back, or because the joke itself was actually pretty weak.

  21. DownFist Troll

    Well, glad that's over. Now it's just another "not a war" war i can drown out with nascar.

  22. BlueStateLibel

    He will also announce that from now on, he's going to be taking lots of vacations at his brush-clearing ranch in Texas, that he choked on some pretzels yesterday, and that in fact, he is the missing Bush fetus all grown up.

Comments are closed.