sex consulting with newt

Newt Gingrich: My Affair Clarified Why I Needed To Impeach Clinton


When Newt Gingrich was getting non-wife blowjobs during Bill Clinton’s blowjob hearings, he did so because his lust for the United States of America needed an outlet. But America should really have been thanking Newt Gingrich for having that affair. All the court proceedings he’s had to go to for his divorces over the years taught Newt what it meant to lie under oath at one of those things, so he knew it (an opportunity to embarrass and score points against Clinton) when he saw it. And all this adultery expertise didn’t cost the taxpayers any extra!

GINGRICH: No. Look, obviously it’s complex and obviously I wasn’t doing things to be proud of. On the other hand, what I said clearly — and I knew this in part going through a divorce. I had been in depositions. I had been in situations where you had to swear to tell the truth. I understood that in a federal court, in a case in front of a federal judge, to commit a felony, which is what he did, perjury was a felony. The question I raised was simple: should a president of the United States be above the law? [...]

WALLACE: I’ll ask you man-to-man. did you think to yourself I’m living in a really glass house? Maybe I shouldn’t be throwing stones?

GINGRICH: No. I thought to myself if I cannot do what I have to do as a public leader, I would have resigned.

Newt is pretty modest, but we’re probably all of the opinion that he should be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for the brave sacrifice and consummate patriotism he showed in having sex with women who were not his wife. (And those mistresses should be given Purple Hearts for suffering what Newt did to them.) After all, impeaching Bill Clinton was necessary to protecting our country’s—wait, no, there was no point to that. [Think Progress]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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186 comments

  1. BarackMyWorld

    I thought to myself if I cannot do what I have to do as a public leader, I would have resigned.

    You DID resign, dumb ass.

    1. prommie

      That was because Clinton made him sit in the back of the plane on the way home from Kosovo.

          1. BarackMyWorld

            And how many, it was later revealed, were also having affairs (i.e. Livingston and Hyde).

          2. horsedreamer_1

            Hyde's was a youthful indiscretion. Because life begins at fifty!

            (He was forty at the time he was stepping out with his secretary. Who was also married.)

  2. forgracie

    By this analysis, his idiocy should be plain proof that Sarah Palin is not fit to govern.

  3. Not_So_Much

    That Newt, always such a giver. Wait, he was receiving them this time? Well, that's fucked up.

  4. JoshuaNorton

    The only reason they impeached Clinton was to try to get rid of the stink and embarassment of Nixon. How'd that work out for you all?

    The only thing they managed to do was to make the Big Dog more popular than ever while branding themselves as blithering idiots.

    1. KenLayIsAlive

      Of course then they got over their compunction about being Nixonian and out Nixoned a thousand Nixons by stealing the following Presidential election.

      With Nixon levels measured at ten million times normal.

      1. riverside68

        As much as I hated Nixon, having spent two years in jail under his watch, he was 'just' an insecure, opportunistic, lying, bigoted politician.
        These guys are cold hard thieves out to fuck over democracy, and get laid.

    2. SorosBot

      It ended up working very well, since the use of impeachment for blatantly partisan illegitimate purposes created such a stench around the procedure that when the next Republican President actually committed a whole shitload of impeachable offenses, including actual war crimes, the Democrats were unwilling to even consider it.

      1. BlueMonkeh

        But lordy lordy – not to worry, kids! The GrOPers are more than willing to find any excuse to impeach Obama. All is well!

        (And the Dems are spineless. That is all.)

      2. anniegetyerfun

        Upfisty! This. Those fuckwits drew it out for as long as they could, knowing it would never happen again for another 100 years.

        Of course, even if Clinton had never been impeached, my guess is that the Dems would have been too wimpy to go about prosecuting any of Bush's cronies. They are JUST that dickless.

    3. horsedreamer_1

      Iran-Contra, also.

      Monica blowing Bill was at least as great a sin as Oliver North commissioning illicit trades with the Ayatollah & encouraging the rape of nuns in El Salvador.

  5. baconzgood

    What a fuckin' douche bag. C'mon man just fess up and say. "I'm a dildo full of partisan hipocracy" That will at least garner some kind of respect from me.

      1. tessiee

        "Getting Newt to say "I'm a dildo full of partisan hipocracy" could be the pay per view event of the year."

        Followed in short order by a Youtube "dance mix" video in which his words are looped and repeated over a background of hip-hop beats: "I'm a dildo, dildo, di-di-di-di-dildo, dildo".

    1. Lost_Teabaggers

      Yes, if Newt ever admitted the painfully obvious he wouldn't be Newt. I mean, this is the dildo who wrote that book about how the founders were all Christians and they created a Christian nation until Commonists in the 1930's lied about it and said they didn't. Newt apparently resigned from speakin' of the house when the completely politically motivated impeachment of the President didn't net Republican seats in 1998. Yep, it was all about that….and now of course they want to pretend that their agenda isn't all authoritarian powergrabs and imperial Russian styled superiority of the overclass. They haven't suggested serfdom….YET, but it's coming…the whole finishing off of the unions is kind of about that.

      1. HELisforHEL

        And morons around the country living on hobo-bean-wages rally around the idea of no health care, no representation of any sort and no regulation of the powers that wish to enslave them because…what? Someday, they're gonna win the Lotto and be bazillionaires? That the socializms that places like Sweden have in place would impede their choice of 45 breakfast cereals? So they stick 'Don't Tread On Me' and 'NoBama' stickers on their 86 Chevy Caprices with the sagging headliners, thinking the likes of Gingrich and Bachmann and McConnell have their interests at heart?
        Gahhhh we're such a fucking nation of idiots.

    2. Lost_Teabaggers

      What's even more about the serfdom angle…is that even the non-serf "state peasants" had a fucked up lot in life, too. They couldn't get educated beyond middle school levels and were forbidden from owning their own property, and if they complained…serfdom or exile would take care of their complaints really fast. What I love about Ayn Rand and the wingnut love of her is that at its core "objectivism" is little more than stating the views of the Russian gentry aristocracy before all the "troubles" began (similar to our civil rights movement only a century earlier). Anyway, just thought I'd toss that in there to sort of complete my rumination in the previous post.

      1. Rotundo_

        And he can say what they want to hear in such flowery multisyllabic phrases: "Support our Christian Heritage" sounds so much prettier than "Keep the Brown Folks Down" does. I'll bet Newt only uses the "N" word when he's well and truly three sheets to the wind. Unlike the average republican whose tongue it rolls off so easily stone cold sober.

        1. ttommyunger

          If the worm ever turns, and the dark side of me hopes it does, these white-on-white city boys will be aghast at their fate.

    1. TanzbodenKoenig

      He is a fucking idiot in a sea of witless man-children, and that sets him as the above the rest.

      1. V572 [REDACTED]

        Are you saying Kennesaw State Teachers College isn't widely known as the Harvard of the northwest Atlanta* along I-85 suburbs? You must not be too smart.
        __________________
        *You have to draw the circle with a fairly small radius to exclude Emory, GA Tech, etc.

        1. crybabyboehner

          His professor days were at West Georgia which is southwest of ATL. The PAC-financed course for which he got his wrist slapped was at Kennesaw.

        2. tessiee

          "widely known as the Harvard of the northwest Atlanta*"

          "anything known as the something of something isn't the anything of anything"
          – Lisa Simpson

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      Newt's smart enough; he's Sarah Palin smart*.

      *Smart enough to make bucks off the really stupid people.

    3. LetUsBray

      He has this rep of being the Rethugs' intellectual heavyweight, when he's really more just heavy in the Eric Cartman sense. Really, when you factor in his senses of ehtics and self-awareness, you pretty much have Cartman come to life and taken seriously as what passes in these sorry days of ours as a "statesman".

  6. prommie

    Well, this interview certainly clarifies why Newt should eat a 55 gallon contractor's heavy-duty trash bag full of dicks, doesn't it?

  7. samsuncle

    Newt (n) : A small, slender-bodied amphibian with lungs and a well-developed tail, typically spending its adult life on land and returning to water to breed.

    1. YasserArraFeck

      hm…Newt – slimy, and possibly with a tail – check
      lives on land – check
      breeds in water – yeah, I don't really want to dwell on his sexual proclivities too much. I'm planning to eat dinner later
      slender-bodied………….HAAHAAHAAHAAHAAH!!1!!1!!1

  8. PublicLuxury

    The real republican platform revealed: Point at the guy next to you when he is doing what you're doing.

    OMG. Clinton is getting a blowjob while standing next to Newt while he's getting a blowjob. Look over there. Look over there! LOOK OVER THERE!

    1. James Michael Curley

      Applies also to the birther craze. Look over there at the black guy whom we suspect may have been born somewhere other than Hawaii and ignore the old white guy who was born in Panama.

  9. dr_giraud

    I see. By Newt's current "logic," if Clinton had told the truth in that deposition he would have been respected for his honesty.

    Maybe my memory is faulty, but I strongly suspect that Clinton would have been accused of ass-raping Lady Liberty and impeached. Just a little bit earlier.

    1. LetUsBray

      I always felt that Mr. Bill should have just said," yeah, I hit that, and I'm admitting it because I'm comfortable with my womanizing. Now, can we wrap this up? I have some appointments to, ah, interview some more prospective interns".

  10. VaWyo

    His current wife is 45ish and they have been married for several years now. He must already be having an affair with another young intern, right? Just because his current wife does not have cancer doesn't mean he isn't cheating. It's not like that is a requirement. It's more like icing on top of the adultery cake.

    1. GuyClinch

      And Callista prolly doesn't let Newt have sex with her because it might mess up her weird, spherical space-helmet hair. And also because he's just so incredibly gross.

      1. VaWyo

        What is wiith her hair? Doesn't it make her look a lot older than she really is? I think she has the same sylist as Cindy McCain. It's the same look, only slightly less crazy.

    2. YasserArraFeck

      If Newtie suggests that Callista takes a vacation in, say Japan, you just know he's prepping her for some good ol' fashioned pre-divorce cancer

    3. zhubajie

      The notorious British tabloid The Sun once revealed that Newt required all campaign workers to blow him. The research was done by an undercover female reporter who was not too squeamish to blow him herself, in an Arizona parking lot.

    1. greenloner

      Bravo, deanbooth. There, in that distinction you've just pointed out, is the quintessential mindwarp that enables ole Newt to be the revolting excrescence that he is. He's hardly human.

  11. arihaya

    My overweight-ness clarify the scale of obesity epidemic in America, and thus qualify me for Presidential candidacy

    My absence of breakfast today clarified why hunger in Africa need to be eradicated, and thus qualify me as UN Secretary general

    1. prommie

      Yes, indeed, when one is the Center of the Universe, everything else in the Universe can be defined solely by its relation to oneself. Just ask Newt, or Sarah.

      1. BlueMonkeh

        Well, in Newt's case, he may have just enough mass to generate his own orbit. So jelluzz of Haley the Hut.

  12. Oldskool_

    He would make a good lawyer. Or one of those guys who drives around the parking lot of Home Depots selling crap they "were going to return it but you can get it cheap".

  13. SorosBot

    But Jack, Newt didn't know an opportunity to embarrass and score points against Clinton when he saw it; he thought he saw one but it was actually an opportunity to destroy his own political career and cause the vast majority of the country to rally around Clinton and support him much more than he deserved because of the blatant witch-hunt against him.

  14. ttommyunger

    The World as seen from Newt's perspective makes perfect sense if one is intelligent enough achieve it. Why, I myself had some boys try to walk off with some of my bullets back in Kansas City and they convened a Coroner's Inquest and asked me all manner and type of questions about the incident in a very accusatory fashion…Hell, all I did was aim my gun at them and squeeze the trigger a few times. Keep up the good work, Newt, don't worry about the slackers, they'll never be smart enough to "get it" anyway.

  15. TanzbodenKoenig

    Hey you guys laugh, but Newt's got it figured out. Here in the real world we see this and we're like "What a fucking asshat," but to the diabetes-addled denizens of Wingnutopia this makes perfect sense; their minds are as soft and malleable as their flesh, and Newt knows they'll play to his tune.

    1. V572 [REDACTED]

      It's the chickens-voting-for-Col-Sanders syndrome again: the Hoveround habitués are never going to get blowjobs from compliant, ambitious female aides, but hope someday to find themselves in just such a position, and want the same right to excoriate the behavior of others doing the same thing.

      Or to put in Teabagger parlance: CLINTON DID IT FIRST!

  16. fartknocker

    I am at a loss for words to explain my disbelief in this level of hypocrisy.

    I got nothing….

    1. miss_grundy

      Don't you understand that the only thing the Repugnants, the Tea-baggers, the birthers and the Wing-nuts have going for them is hypocrisy? They don't have anything else. Notice that the Republican-run Congress wants to destroy women's reproductive rights, get rid of healthcare reform, destroy unions and turn working men and women into slaves for their corporate masters. And the idiots continue to hang onto their every word, including what comes out of the mouth of this Pennsylvanian toad. People have become really stupid in America.

  17. Allmighty_Manos

    Do as I say, not as I do. Actually with Newt that doesn't work either. Just do whatever I'm saying now, and forget what I said five minutes ago.

  18. PublicLuxury

    I'm very concerned. I am not sure a salamander can be president. The Constitution didn't specific;y name lizards as elegilbe; plus, are we really sure that Newt was born in the US.

      1. BlueMonkeh

        I got 2 Boxers with long-form ACA papers. They were actually born on the 4th of July! In Nebraska! Real 'Murka! Let's get this presidential money-making/exploratory committee thing going.

        (Oh and one of them is dumber than a bag of hammers, the other one is evil and scheming – that's a presidential ticket if I ever saw one.)

        1. HELisforHEL

          Dumb and evil? Are you certain they're not cats? At least that's how most of my cats have been over the years.
          I've often thought that we could probably do okay with a dog as president. Our beloved girl left this radioactive, crisis-infused, endless-death-spiral world a few months ago, but she would have been a wonderful, empathetic leader. And she was certainly smarter than any of the current crop of Repugs. I'm certain some Wonketteer's pooch is up to the task!

          1. BlueMonkeh

            LOL – we have 2 cats that are a dumb and evil combo, too. They don't have papers, though, so there would be a constant chorus of birfers wanting to see their papers.

            I think it's time: Wrigley – Ivy 2012!

            (And the Boxers have AKC papers – ACA? No idea where that came from. Glad I waited to send them in so I could change the female's name to "Ivy the Terrible" – much more descriptive of her.)

  19. mumbly_ジョジョ

    "And the answer: only if that president is a Republican."

    On the other hand, if Newt Gingrich is, in fact, a time-travelling wizard, and thus able to gain perspective on things happening right now due to future events, that actually *would* be a point in his favor as a presidential candidate.

    On the other other hand, it makes the shit-for-brains actual things he says even more shit-for-brains than previously supposed, so overall, it's kinda a wash.

  20. torera

    Seriously, this guy is sicker than Palin. There should be a whole new level of narcissism named after him.

    1. problemwithcaring

      True! The problem is LouSarah'stoo egotistical to understand that Newt exists in the race only to make her candidacy look viable. Any day now, she'll verbally attack a cancer patient on fakebook to one-up him.

  21. FlownOver

    Newt's affair – well, let's face it: everything about Newt, ever – clarifies why everyone in the nation needs to form a single file and punch him in the dick. Really hard.

    1. Barbara_i

      I think I'll pass, thanks! I'll just let Layla Ali take my turn and punch him twice.
      OR
      I get to touch Newt's dick? I didn't even know that his present wife had cancer!

  22. Moonbatting Average

    It's getting really hard to tell which GOP candidates are actually serious, and which are just trying to grift off the rubes for a few months.

    The answer, I suspect, is "all of them"

  23. Doktor Avalanche

    Not sure if this is a case of a worm squirming or Newtros twisting in the wind, but I'm optimistic this won't go away easily for him.

  24. PublicLuxury

    Newt is done. I think he'll be ruined politically forever. He hasn't even debated Sarah Palin and already he's tripping on his very own spunk. Just imagine how Sarah is going to make mincemeat of him during the debates.

    He'll probably drop his pants and ram his reason for living in her throat. That'll keep her all quite for 33 seconds. Newt doesn't last very long.

    1. V572 [REDACTED]

      Engghg, let's hope so. It does seem at times as though availability to appear on Sunday journo circle jerks = popularity with voters, but it didn't work for Chuck Hegel.

    2. anniegetyerfun

      What I am looking forward to is seeing how badly Sarah does in terms of creating actual Engish sentences that eminate from her mouth during the debate. Every other candidate will be completely afraid to call her own on her own retardation for fear of looking "mean," since you know she'll whine and complain about them being rude to her (because she's a woman) the next day. It's going to be delicious. And horrible.

  25. DahBoner

    Why sure, this was just a public service! Thanks, Newt!

    After all, just like it says in the Bible, adultery is illegal and punishable by death.

  26. ThundercatHo

    Now we know why Noot is so fucking fat, he needs all that extra girth to accomodate his enormous ego. Of course, using that logic, he'd be the size of Australia. I really hope that Bill Clinton was boning his Mrs. G3 like nobody's business while Noot was giving that interview

  27. metamarcisf

    Newt's explanation is beyond reproach. Now, if he wants my vote, I'd like to hear him weigh in on the Libya situation.

  28. LiveToServeYa

    Maybe he should be awarded the Presidential Medal of Fucking. There should be a set of star-spangled TruckNutz(TM) to go along with it.

  29. Come here a minute

    Newt's testimony in divorce hearings consists of hours of vivid descriptions of sexual acts with women who were not his wife.

    The man is a pillar of integrity!

  30. widestanceroman

    I'm trying for a good 'Newt Drains a Lizard' line, but realize Newt is no more deserving of the work involved than he is or could or ever be, worthy of a BJ in the first place.

    Given how detestably pre-teen his voice is in speech, his O-scream must be truly horrific.

  31. Wilcoxyz

    Washington D.C.: America's glory hole.

    And you were trying so hard to make everyone else behave. You are a hero.

  32. Frost/Nixon/Robocop

    Ladies, the lesson here is that blowjobs offer a window of clarity into the true meaning of the Constitution. Maybe not a window, maybe more like a glory hole of clarity.

  33. philpjfry

    It is fun to watch these cocksucking weasels trip over their tongues trying to explain why it is OK if they do it, but an impeachable offence if you do it. Did I mention they are all cocksuckers?

  34. Beetagger

    Somehow, I can't imaging that Newt's wife gets her mouth anywhere near his pudgy pecker. Missionary… lights out.

  35. mumbly_ジョジョ

    Honestly, the most amazing thing about this is that Newt continues to condemn Clinton's affair, all while himself being fellated by Chris Wallace.

  36. James Michael Curley

    McCain takes Viagra to meet the needs of a much younger wife. Newt reads the Starr report and then climbs on.

    1. mourningnmerica

      Oh, believe me, that's not happening. She gave up dick for pharmaceuticals, a long, long time ago.

    2. zhubajie

      Believe it or not, the Starr Report was actually banned in Beijing at the time as pornographic!

      1. trampndirtdown

        Wow!
        Off topic but was it you who recommended " Oranges and Peanuts for sale" because I read it and it was a life changing book. So thanks if it was you.

  37. BklynIlluminati

    Look never mind all that is happening behind the adultery curtain this is REALLY about perjury! Sex isn't all that important lying about it is

  38. FNMA

    I just can't get past the fact that someone, or something, or some sentient being, once blew Newt.

    1. SorosBot

      Have you seen the pictures of Callista? She looks like she's in a permanent Valium haze to the point where she no longer qualifies as sentient.

    2. Lost_Teabaggers

      The jury is still out on whether Callista qualifies as sentient….but think about this, she was a staffer…to Newt Gingrich. So not only did she think the obese baby had merits as a man, but she also approved of his obnoxiously sadistic and psychotic ideas and his explanations of history. It takes a really "special person" (even more special than Trig) to actually buy Newt's bullshit when you have a college diploma that literally laughs at him and tries to light itself on fire daily because you work for him. Looking at Callista in that context, it somewhat makes sense as to why she blew him….I'm just still amazed any semi-educated living creature would have bought Newt's bullshit or his phony "idea man" moniker to begin with.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Proving, once again, politics is rock 'n' roll (or movie scale entertainment) for ugly people.

  39. Hatrabbit

    Newt: I did not have sexual relations with that woman, not since she got cancer.

    The other one, my Mistress for America, well I fucked her senseless.

  40. hollywooddood

    Shut up, you socialist libtards! He did it for his country. He put a flag over her head and humped for Old Glory!

  41. fuflans

    hey newt! keith richards has been married to the same supermodel since 1983.

    this means you are morally inferior to a drug addled english rockstar with a penchant for eye make-up, johnny depp and falling out of trees.

  42. franco_pinyon

    I am amazed! I would not have thought a guy that… corpulent, could get into such contortions.

    he's got me feeling pretty patriotic. Where da white choir ladies?

  43. hagajim

    Let me finish the headline…

    My infidelities helped me understand…what a complete hypocritical douchebag I really am.

    There ya go…

  44. smitallica

    It's funny to me that pundits say Newt could win the GOP nomination because he's so smart.

    Because we know that for GOP primary voters, a candidate's intelligence is the primary factor.

  45. Guppy06

    "I wasn’t doing things to be proud of."

    But damn if I ain't!

    Oooh, you gonna eat that cookie?

  46. Gopherit

    Nothing is a better reminder of other people's failures in leadership than getting your pole polished. Very xtian.

  47. mourningnmerica

    Newt just never stops giving. He is the Ghawar Field of American politics. Please God, do not take this man off of the American stage. I couldn't bear it.

  48. Dudleydidwrong

    Just imagine: A Rethug ticket of The Newt and Michelle Bachmann. One so slimy, so absolutely repugnant and hypocritical as to defy logic, and the other so slimy, so absolutely repugnant and hypocritical…Hey! There's an echo in here!

  49. DaSandman

    Well the question remains, how did this toad faced fuck get all these non wives to suck his dick? Did he rub jelly on it? Does he cum ice cream? Is it so small that the helmet haired cock sucktress can chew gum and talk on her phone while servicing the salamander?

  50. SheriffRoscoe

    So they both had affairs. The difference is that Clinton lied in his deposition concerning a real estate deal that didn't really involve him anyway, and his inquisitor had to go fishing for something….anything……that could be used to embarrass him publicly; whereas Newt was going through a divorce involving adultery on his part, and came clean when his infidelity inevitably came up.

    Newt is clearly not being given enough credit you guys. He tells the truth in divorce depositions regarding things that are germane to the matter at hand. We don't know if Clinton would have done that, since the situation was so different, but still!

    1. GregComlish

      I assume you are referring to The Club™ automotive wheel lock device thus maintaining the Newt-Gingrich-Tonya-Harding-Joey-Buttafuoco continuity of laughable 90s wash-outs.

      That would be pretty funny if some 90s loser beat the shit out of Tonya Harding with a Club™. Then she would say "I've fallen and I can't get up.

  51. ulTIMum

    "Turned me into a newt." – Cleese in crowd, Monty Python's Holy Grail.

    Remember the little creep admitted to perjury, which was the trap they laid for Clinton. Paid a fine and hid out for a time, but, unlike Cleese, he never got better.

    The Newt fine for that offense was something like $350K, and ole Dole stepped up and paid it out of the leftover slushfund from his presidential bid. It was supposedly a loan, and I never heard any more about it.

    1. zhubajie

      As I recall, what really sank him was a conference call discussion on how to pay the fine was picked on a police scanner, thank s to John Boehner's insecure, un-coded, el-cheapo cell phone!

  52. Lost_Teabaggers

    Hey this is OT but did anyone catch that excellent documentary "Triangle: Remembering the Fire" on HBO this past Sunday? It really drove home something we should all remember about labor rights and the absolute fucking need for unions (not that any of you need to be reminded of this point) while flat out proving the axiom "those who fail to learn from the past are doomed to repeat it", although in our case in this day and age it's mostly ignorance and bacon fat as to why we think GOP ideas are new or have any merit. I remember reading about the Triangle fire in history class…it actually was given a pretty decent explanation. Why a century later we're damn near in the same state as a country as we were in 1911 and overseas American factories have conditions that would make the Triangle guys blush can only mean one thing: needz moar baconz good! me no like histery…me like Jebus storiez and NASCAR! Oh and, "abortionz bad and gunz good!"

    1. emmelemm

      Well, and terrible things are still happening because "bosses" won't make things safe for workers: as in, the recent mine disaster in West Virginia.

      We really *haven't* learned from history.

  53. Redhead

    Every time this man opens his mouth, I just think of "She turned me into a newt!… I got better. She's a witch. BURN HER!!"

    His commentary on Clinton's affair sure reads like a Monty Python skit.

  54. JustPixelz

    The Repubicans had the House or Representatives from 1994 – 2006, the Presidency from 2001 – 2008, but everything is Clinton's fault. Or Obama's. Tens of thousands dead, billions wasted in war, trillions lost in deregulated markets, deficits forever and they still can't say "we fucked up".

    1. HELisforHEL

      They are so delusional they can't even just shut the fuck up, slink away and crawl in a hole to die. That's what I would do if I destroyed the country.
      They somehow manage to tap dance around the shit piles they've left everywhere for the adults in the room to clean up. And then they whine when the adults try. It helps that they've bought up nearly every media whore in the country to constantly bleat their endless fabrications. ARGH
      No snark, just blinding white anger.

  55. Rotundo_

    Mike's shit has more talent and journalistic integrity than Chris. If it could read, it would be opposite his kid and kicking his pathetic ass in the ratings.

  56. tessiee

    "Newt is pretty modest, but we’re probably all of the opinion that he should be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for the brave sacrifice and consummate patriotism he showed in having sex with women who were not his wife."

    Yeah, and the fact that his brave, brave sacrifice would inevitably be misunderstood by the haters is just another star in his martyr's crown.

    1. zhubajie

      I think he should be given the plexiglas belly-button, so he can see where he is going, even when he has his head up his ass!

  57. franco_pinyon

    Maybe Wilt Chamberlain (Man of 20,000+ assignations) wasn't just an enormous c*hound. Maybe he was just REALLY patriotic.

  58. zhubajie

    At the time, a grad student from Ghana, an older man, told me that it sounded just like a coup d'etat i Africa!

  59. Andrew Drinker

    I think he's fully aware that he can't get the nomination and is just in it to raise his future speaking fees and maybe sell a few more of his crappy books. He'll drop out well before Iowa.

  60. One_who_wanders

    I actually considered adding something about that being his actual motivation but I was afraid I couldn’t do it snarkily enough and decided to go for snark over probable accuracy.

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