IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA  9:08 am March 28, 2011

World’s Governments Can’t Decide How Radioactive Everything Is

by Riley Waggaman

Today is probably your last chance to finger-bang.

  • More happy cherry blossom news from Japan! Extremely radioactive water has been discovered outside one of the Fukushima reactors, which means there’s a good chance that radioactive liquid is seeping into Mother Earth right now as we are typing this. Tepco officials reported that radiation levels at Reactor No. 2 were “10 million times higher than normal before correcting that figure to 100,000.” That doesn’t sound fishy at all! (Nothing will ever sound fishy ever again, once all the fish die of radiation poisoning.) And while American Authorities promise that only trivial amounts of radiation have harmlessly trickled over to our continent, and that our precious anus burgers and plasma widescreens are still safe, four of eleven radiation detectors in California were offline for “repairs” last week. Oh, and now traces of radiation have been detected on the East Coast, on the other side of the world. So who knows? Maybe everyone will die today. Luckily there is already a plan to drain all the oceans and then use the radioactive saltwater to power spaceships to Mars. [BBC]
  • The price of oil fell to less than $105 a barrel, apparently because Libyan Rebels “retook control of two key port towns and said they would restart crude exports within weeks.” Mission Accomplished! [AP]
  • ADULT DIAPERS IN THE NEWS: “A Boston woman accused of trying to smuggle 1,000 grams of cocaine inside what police describe as a ’diaper-like garment’ she was wearing is facing arraignment.” [Boston Herald]
 
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{ 105 comments }

DashboardBuddha March 28, 2011 at 9:15 am

-Cheap travel to Mars? Say, this IS good news. Even though planet Earth still has a few miles left on her, it's never to early to start fucking up another planet. I hope I get to be one of the first customers at the Starbucks on Olympus Mons!

-Is there a connection between this woman and David Vitter? No one has denied it.

missemish March 28, 2011 at 9:28 am

Heck, I hope I get to be one of the first *employees* of the Starbucks on Olympus.

DashboardBuddha March 28, 2011 at 9:36 am

No shit, eh? I was listening to the radio this morning and I learned that Starbucks gives health insurance to even its part-time employees. What the hell am I waiting for?

metamarcisf March 28, 2011 at 9:51 am

This means that you too are listening to that nasty communist propaganda on National Pubic Radio. Why do you support the 9/11 attacks?

DashboardBuddha March 28, 2011 at 9:56 am

I just want to tongue punch Terry Gross…is that so wrong?

riverside68 March 28, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Starbucks spends more on health insurance then it does on coffee beans.
But douche bag CEO Howard Schultz just started complaining about "Obama-care" hurting small businesses.
Like he would know, running a gazillion dollar coffee shop.

GOPCrusher March 28, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Anyone that can convince the Mindless Masses to buy a seven dollar cup of coffee, has nothing to complain about.

Mumbletypeg March 28, 2011 at 9:34 am

Is there a connection between this woman and David Vitter?

That or else she is into astronauts.

LiveToServeYa March 28, 2011 at 9:16 am

Self-cooking sushi. Mmmmm…oh, wait.

Monsieur_Grumpe March 28, 2011 at 9:17 am

Radioactive salt water makes a great douche. Just ask Ann Coulter.

DashboardBuddha March 28, 2011 at 9:23 am

I thought O'Keefe was a great douche…is he radioactive?

Terry March 28, 2011 at 9:31 am

He's not a great one, just a major one.

horsedreamer_1 March 28, 2011 at 11:35 am

"Ground Control to Major Douche…"

&, why, yes, I would like to see James O'Keefe be visited in his dreams by various incarnations of David Bowie.

ttommyunger March 28, 2011 at 9:41 am

You mean smegma remover, don't you?

Jim89048 March 28, 2011 at 9:50 am

Talk about toxic shock syndrome! Coulter, not the radioactive salt water.

Cicada March 28, 2011 at 10:46 am

That explains the tentacles.

trampndirtdown March 28, 2011 at 9:19 am

Sure the world is going to end but the price of oil is going down and even if it is the last day to fingerbang i can still tongue punch amirite?

JoshuaNorton March 28, 2011 at 9:20 am

When you can sit in your backyard at night and read the newspaper in the glow of your body parts, things are probably radioactive enough.

JoshuaNorton March 28, 2011 at 9:21 am

This is no doubt good news for John McCain, somehow.

trampndirtdown March 28, 2011 at 9:25 am

I was worried about John yesterday, couldn't find him on the Sunday shows anywhere. I thought maybe he got locked in Lindsey's closest. Then I remembered to look on Fox News Sunday. Hooray John is safe.

JoshuaNorton March 28, 2011 at 9:27 am

Hmm. Did not intend to delete my comment. Maybe Wordpress is radioactive and going on a rampage.

ThankYouJeebus March 28, 2011 at 9:33 am

What did you say? I hate it when someone has ripped the first page out of a mystery novel.

JoshuaNorton March 28, 2011 at 9:40 am

I said that this will probably turn out to be good news for John McCain somehow.

riverside68 March 28, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Well it was an effective tactic to get everyone to click on the comments.

HELisforHEL March 28, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Yeah, fooled me into it, too. :-)

SorosBot March 28, 2011 at 9:22 am

Everything's radioactive? Yay, superpowers for everybody!

Jim89048 March 28, 2011 at 9:52 am

Kick ass!

KenLayIsAlive March 28, 2011 at 9:56 am

This superpower to die painfully in a hospital as my intestines dissolve is not quite as cool as I imagined it.

GOPCrusher March 28, 2011 at 12:27 pm

If your hair falling out in clumps, is a superpower, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!

Weenus299 March 28, 2011 at 9:22 am

The local paper in Columbia SC reported slight radiation things happening that were related to the Japanese powerplant. The radiation readings could not be described as more than negligible in this toxic mess of a state.

vulpes82 March 28, 2011 at 9:23 am

Another morning, another horror! Someone, tongue-punch my fartbox! Please!

GuyClinch March 28, 2011 at 9:25 am

How much you wanna bet that the Diaper Lady has Vitter's number stored in her phone?

commandermonkey March 28, 2011 at 9:26 am

“10 million times higher than normal before correcting that figure to 100,000.”

I can see where some might think this is a little fishy, but as we have learned from the TSA, anytime you take radiation measurements you are supposed to divide by a power of 10 until you get to a number that you like. It's how nuclear science works.

arihaya March 28, 2011 at 9:26 am

no Obituary for Geraldine Ferraro guys?

thanks to her we will never celebrate Sarah Palin as the first Veep candidates

CalamityJames March 28, 2011 at 10:59 am

Clearly you've never met the teabaggers. Not only will she be the first female VP-nom, but she will be solely responsible for bringing our nation back from the brink. Of course, the nation will no longer exist, but just try to get them to understand facts.

horsedreamer_1 March 28, 2011 at 11:37 am

Geraldine, in her unbridled racism, is the Tundra Twat. Or maybe, I should say, the SheaStadium/CitiField Twat. Being from Queens, & all.

ifthethunderdontgetya March 28, 2011 at 9:27 am

At least we have tax cuts and Freedom™!

Freedom to finger-bang!
~

DashboardBuddha March 28, 2011 at 9:34 am

You are now free to finger-bang around the country.

Steverino247 March 28, 2011 at 9:27 am

I think I'm turning radioactive.
I think I'm turning radioactive.
I really think so.

proudgrampa March 28, 2011 at 9:28 am

GLOW-IN-THE-DARK SUSHI!

We are so freakin' doomed.

user-of-owls March 28, 2011 at 9:29 am

Maybe everyone will die today.

Ah, this certainly augurs well for our week ahead.

SorosBot March 28, 2011 at 9:32 am

Hey, it'll be fun for those of us who survive into the post-apocalyptic wasteland, scrounging for supplies and warring with other tribes of survivors over the few remaining resources.

riverside68 March 28, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Gotta get me a dog right now.

HELisforHEL March 28, 2011 at 1:38 pm

2 dogs and a shotgun. Or two shotguns and a dog. That's our plan at least.

riverside68 March 28, 2011 at 2:20 pm

NetFlicks: A boy and his dog.
Check it out.

user-of-owls March 28, 2011 at 8:18 pm

Two Guns, One Dog.

Ewww.

DashboardBuddha March 28, 2011 at 9:33 am

Just so long as I make my sales quota.

GOPCrusher March 28, 2011 at 12:28 pm

I was kind of hoping to make it until May 21st.

undeterredbyreality March 28, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Just another manic Monday.

GuanoFaucet March 28, 2011 at 9:30 am

Wanda: "Do you hate radiation?"

Henry: "No, but I seem to feel better when it's not around."

HELisforHEL March 28, 2011 at 1:39 pm

You know your week is already fucked when a play on Bukowski sums things up.

ThankYouJeebus March 28, 2011 at 9:30 am

I, for one, have begun stockpiling precious American commodities such as Koch-free toilet paper and beer. Bring it on, Mayan calendar!

proudgrampa March 28, 2011 at 10:04 am

And beans. Lots of beans.

horsedreamer_1 March 28, 2011 at 11:37 am

No MillerCoors, I hope. Big-time Walker donor.

… & I used to drink much High Life & MGD — unironically, even.

Oblios_Cap March 28, 2011 at 9:33 am

Ras Lanuf, again already? When did the Libyans start naming their cities after High Holy Days?

I guess we'll all have to say "You're from Fukushima" now instead of the old "You're from Joisey?" jokes.

slithytoves March 28, 2011 at 9:34 am

Nothing will ever sound fishy ever again, once all the fish die of radiation poisoning.

Of those that didn't already die of crude oil poisoning.

SorosBot March 28, 2011 at 9:42 am

And aren't overfished to extinction.

KenLayIsAlive March 28, 2011 at 9:58 am

And didn't just slit their fins after reading Wonkette the last couple of weeks.

riverside68 March 28, 2011 at 12:29 pm

I think things will still sound fishy, sorta like people still know a pig in a poke is a risky bet.
But I doubt anything is going to Smell fishy, that'll be gone with the wind.

trampndirtdown March 28, 2011 at 9:34 am

Will tinfoil protect me from the radiation? Can duct tape effectively seal my Freedom bunker? Will my Survival Seeds now grow gigantic produce?

Tell me Glenda I need to know. It's two whole months until the rapture.I don't think the Ho-Ho's will last that long.

Geminisunmars March 28, 2011 at 11:30 am

The Ho-Hos will outlast you.

Terry March 28, 2011 at 9:35 am

In the news this weekend, they said that the technician at the Japanese reactor dropped his equipment and ran after reading that radiation levels were 10 million times higher than normal. This was presented as an inappropriate reaction and why there was no second reading immediately done to double check.

Honestly, I think the exact appropriate reaction upon reading radiation levels 10 million times higher than normal is to run. A bit of screaming might be in order, too.

riverside68 March 28, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Wus, it was only 100,000 times normal. What's he afraid of.
When I was a kid we ate stinking hot radioactive poison three times a day.
Kids these days don't know how good they got it!

BarackMyWorld March 28, 2011 at 9:38 am

Come on….you saw the Mayan calendar!

Next year, people! NEXT year!

FraAnima March 28, 2011 at 9:40 am

I can't seem to find a definitive answer on the interwebs … anyone know how long until Godzilla shows up?

Oblios_Cap March 28, 2011 at 9:41 am

American Authorities promise that only trivial amounts of radiation have harmlessly trickled over to our continent and that our precious anus burgers and plasma widescreens are still safe.

Praise Jebub; it's a miracle!

Seriously, though, my wife brought home canned salmon over the weekend. That stuff is the anus burger of the fish industry.

HELisforHEL March 28, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Yeah, you would think it would be okay, but it truly is awful. Just plain awful. Perhaps some irradiating will make it all tasty-just place the can in your yard for 5 minutes or so.
SILVER LINING PEOPLE

OC_Surf_Serf March 28, 2011 at 9:47 am

Blow and diapers and no Republican Congressman involved???!!

DahBoner March 28, 2011 at 10:41 am

You know, it used to be that just uptight, puritanical English people would immigrate to Boston..

PAGING SENATOR FOLD!

4TheTurnstiles March 28, 2011 at 9:53 am

Anybody know where a guy can find some decent weed? Preferably not from a grandma's diaper?

DahBoner March 28, 2011 at 10:42 am

California.

4TheTurnstiles March 28, 2011 at 11:59 am

I'm from Oregon. Stuck in the South. I'm sure anyone can empathize.

Mahousu March 28, 2011 at 9:55 am

We may criticize TSA and customs and all, but whoever it was who checked inside a loaded adult diaper is a far braver person than I.

KenLayIsAlive March 28, 2011 at 10:01 am

I feel so much better knowing the rebels are on the offensive! I sure hope they brought enough chocolates, flowers, and massages for every one in Tripoli.

PublicLuxury March 28, 2011 at 10:03 am

Ann Coulter says that radiation is good for you, so shut up about already and enjoy better health through contamination.

Redhead March 28, 2011 at 10:03 am

You'd have to have radiation brain damage to be willing to snort cocaine that's been in some woman's DIAPER. Or be David Vitter. Whose brain damage is of the non-radioactive version.

KenLayIsAlive March 28, 2011 at 10:09 am

obsessive troll is obsessive

KenLayIsAlive March 28, 2011 at 10:32 am

obsessive troll resets his browser and is obsessive again.

Wacking that little cheetos-stained penis as he comes by to celebrate Downfistsivus.

jjdaddyo March 28, 2011 at 10:11 am

If I eat a radioactive anus burger, do I get super powers?

comptoneffect March 28, 2011 at 10:43 am

You don't, but your anus does.

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum March 28, 2011 at 1:47 pm

ANUS … SMASH!!!

Oblios_Cap March 28, 2011 at 10:13 am

Annoying Breibarters are annoying. They always show up when Riley posts something. Coincidence? I think not.

Return Andy's calls, Wags!

V572 [REDACTED] March 28, 2011 at 10:16 am

1000g = 1 kilogram = 2.2 lbs. That's a lot of blow to stash in your diaper. But still, you have admire the initiative in thinking that the most ICE drones wouldn't dare to reach inside your diaper.

James Michael Curley March 28, 2011 at 10:33 am

Notice those high radiation levels were in MA and PA. Stuff wouldn't dare show up in NJ.

riverside68 March 28, 2011 at 12:36 pm

They weren't high enough to overcome the 'normal' NJ background radiation.
Wait a week, you'll get your turn.

GOPCrusher March 28, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Would anyone notice?

James Michael Curley March 28, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Yes, how do you think Snookie gets her skin color? Rubbing up against John Boehner?

Mumbletypeg March 28, 2011 at 10:40 am

In case it hasn't been mentioned already: Japan's taken another hit.

Hatrabbit March 28, 2011 at 10:49 am

i hope James O'Keefe goes inside one of the reactors dressed as a pimp and does an expose on this bullshit.

randcoolcatdaddy March 28, 2011 at 10:51 am

Hmm… headaches … nausea … glowing stool … yeah, must be Monday in America…

DemmeFatale March 28, 2011 at 11:11 am

OT, but true.
OMG, guys! I was forced through a rape/porn scanner at Tampa International! I became so angry so fast I surprised myself. Normally, I'm a good girl, (I was there to visit my mother!), but I was taken over by blinding rage. Mr Fatale said we had time for a hand body scan, but the last thing I wanted was being touched by those poxy gloves. After the scan, I just wanted to get out of there. When I started to walk away. the TSA guy barked at me to wait on the yellow footprints. "ALL RIGHT!" I shouted. He said, "You don't have to be like that!"
I thought: "um, yes I do actually. Because while I realize that you are just doing your job, I need to let you know how angry this makes me,"
It took me hours to calm down.
Now if they had scanned my gorgeous 20 yr. old daughter…

crybabyboehner March 28, 2011 at 11:27 am

Look at the bright side – at least you weren't wearing a diaper with two and a half pounds of coke in it.

crybabyboehner March 28, 2011 at 11:28 am

Look at the bright side – at least you weren't wearing a diaper with a kilo of coke in it.

DaRooster March 28, 2011 at 11:19 am

"(Nothing will ever sound fishy ever again, once all the fish die of radiation poisoning.)"
So your saying that BP did all the Gulf fishes a favor so they wouldn't be submitted to radiation. That was nice of them.

entropy2 March 28, 2011 at 11:29 am

that picture reminds me I need to get on netflix and order "Barfly"

horsedreamer_1 March 28, 2011 at 11:38 am

Lisa Nowak cannot buy a break.

Gopherit March 28, 2011 at 11:53 am

Fun fact for the day: 1000 mSv = 1Sv = 100 REM or rads…..this is something like 10 million times background radiation, if you are ignoring factors of 2. the 100,000 times "normal" is for water that has gone through the reactor vessel.

We now return you to your unscheduled radioactive holocaust.

riverside68 March 28, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Did you hear the one about everytime Anne Hathaway gets press, Buffet makes more money?
The Quaint's computer programs don't know the difference be Anne and Berkshire.
Good press=buy.

ttommyunger March 28, 2011 at 12:31 pm

And the answer is: “What seven words did Moses never utter?”

Ducksworthy March 28, 2011 at 12:34 pm

I started to tell my kid about the birds and the bees. What are bees he said. The birds will be the next to go, from eating the glowing fish.

HELisforHEL March 28, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Upfusted, even if its truthiness makes me incredibly sad.

riverside68 March 28, 2011 at 12:34 pm

"Get back to work, these bodies aren't going to just cut themselves up."

SkinnyNerd March 28, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Hey world governments, here's a handy little chart from the fine cartoonists at xkcd: http://xkcd.com/radiation/

Now let me figure out how to turn this concrete building into wood.

NadePaulKuciGravMcKi March 28, 2011 at 5:26 pm

governments and media pretend to be clueless;
plutonium dust mixed into air, ground, and water

HELisforHEL March 28, 2011 at 1:32 pm

As long as I can just plain out punch Mara Liasson.

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