it's morning in america

World’s Governments Can’t Decide How Radioactive Everything Is

Today is probably your last chance to finger-bang.

  • More happy cherry blossom news from Japan! Extremely radioactive water has been discovered outside one of the Fukushima reactors, which means there’s a good chance that radioactive liquid is seeping into Mother Earth right now as we are typing this. Tepco officials reported that radiation levels at Reactor No. 2 were “10 million times higher than normal before correcting that figure to 100,000.” That doesn’t sound fishy at all! (Nothing will ever sound fishy ever again, once all the fish die of radiation poisoning.) And while American Authorities promise that only trivial amounts of radiation have harmlessly trickled over to our continent, and that our precious anus burgers and plasma widescreens are still safe, four of eleven radiation detectors in California were offline for “repairs” last week. Oh, and now traces of radiation have been detected on the East Coast, on the other side of the world. So who knows? Maybe everyone will die today. Luckily there is already a plan to drain all the oceans and then use the radioactive saltwater to power spaceships to Mars. [BBC]
  • The price of oil fell to less than $105 a barrel, apparently because Libyan Rebels “retook control of two key port towns and said they would restart crude exports within weeks.” Mission Accomplished! [AP]
  • ADULT DIAPERS IN THE NEWS: “A Boston woman accused of trying to smuggle 1,000 grams of cocaine inside what police describe as a ’diaper-like garment’ she was wearing is facing arraignment.” [Boston Herald]

About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman

Comments

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  • DashboardBuddha

    -Cheap travel to Mars? Say, this IS good news. Even though planet Earth still has a few miles left on her, it's never to early to start fucking up another planet. I hope I get to be one of the first customers at the Starbucks on Olympus Mons!

    -Is there a connection between this woman and David Vitter? No one has denied it.

    • missemish

      Heck, I hope I get to be one of the first *employees* of the Starbucks on Olympus.

      • DashboardBuddha

        No shit, eh? I was listening to the radio this morning and I learned that Starbucks gives health insurance to even its part-time employees. What the hell am I waiting for?

        • metamarcisf

          This means that you too are listening to that nasty communist propaganda on National Pubic Radio. Why do you support the 9/11 attacks?

          • DashboardBuddha

            I just want to tongue punch Terry Gross…is that so wrong?

          • HELisforHEL

            As long as I can just plain out punch Mara Liasson.

        • riverside68

          Starbucks spends more on health insurance then it does on coffee beans.
          But douche bag CEO Howard Schultz just started complaining about "Obama-care" hurting small businesses.
          Like he would know, running a gazillion dollar coffee shop.

          • GOPCrusher

            Anyone that can convince the Mindless Masses to buy a seven dollar cup of coffee, has nothing to complain about.

    • Mumbletypeg

      Is there a connection between this woman and David Vitter?

      That or else she is into astronauts.

  • LiveToServeYa

    Self-cooking sushi. Mmmmm…oh, wait.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Radioactive salt water makes a great douche. Just ask Ann Coulter.

    • DashboardBuddha

      I thought O'Keefe was a great douche…is he radioactive?

      • Terry

        He's not a great one, just a major one.

        • horsedreamer_1

          "Ground Control to Major Douche…"

          &, why, yes, I would like to see James O'Keefe be visited in his dreams by various incarnations of David Bowie.

    • ttommyunger

      You mean smegma remover, don't you?

    • Jim89048

      Talk about toxic shock syndrome! Coulter, not the radioactive salt water.

    • Cicada

      That explains the tentacles.

  • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

    Sure the world is going to end but the price of oil is going down and even if it is the last day to fingerbang i can still tongue punch amirite?

  • JoshuaNorton

    When you can sit in your backyard at night and read the newspaper in the glow of your body parts, things are probably radioactive enough.

  • JoshuaNorton

    This is no doubt good news for John McCain, somehow.

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      I was worried about John yesterday, couldn't find him on the Sunday shows anywhere. I thought maybe he got locked in Lindsey's closest. Then I remembered to look on Fox News Sunday. Hooray John is safe.

      • JoshuaNorton

        Hmm. Did not intend to delete my comment. Maybe WordPress is radioactive and going on a rampage.

        • ThankYouJeebus

          What did you say? I hate it when someone has ripped the first page out of a mystery novel.

          • JoshuaNorton

            I said that this will probably turn out to be good news for John McCain somehow.

        • riverside68

          Well it was an effective tactic to get everyone to click on the comments.

          • HELisforHEL

            Yeah, fooled me into it, too. :-)

  • SorosBot

    Everything's radioactive? Yay, superpowers for everybody!

    • Jim89048

      Kick ass!

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      This superpower to die painfully in a hospital as my intestines dissolve is not quite as cool as I imagined it.

      • GOPCrusher

        If your hair falling out in clumps, is a superpower, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!

  • Weenus299

    The local paper in Columbia SC reported slight radiation things happening that were related to the Japanese powerplant. The radiation readings could not be described as more than negligible in this toxic mess of a state.

  • vulpes82

    Another morning, another horror! Someone, tongue-punch my fartbox! Please!

  • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

    How much you wanna bet that the Diaper Lady has Vitter's number stored in her phone?

  • commandermonkey

    “10 million times higher than normal before correcting that figure to 100,000.”

    I can see where some might think this is a little fishy, but as we have learned from the TSA, anytime you take radiation measurements you are supposed to divide by a power of 10 until you get to a number that you like. It's how nuclear science works.

  • arihaya

    no Obituary for Geraldine Ferraro guys?

    thanks to her we will never celebrate Sarah Palin as the first Veep candidates

    • CalamityJames

      Clearly you've never met the teabaggers. Not only will she be the first female VP-nom, but she will be solely responsible for bringing our nation back from the brink. Of course, the nation will no longer exist, but just try to get them to understand facts.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Geraldine, in her unbridled racism, is the Tundra Twat. Or maybe, I should say, the SheaStadium/CitiField Twat. Being from Queens, & all.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    At least we have tax cuts and Freedom™!

    Freedom to finger-bang!
    ~

    • DashboardBuddha

      You are now free to finger-bang around the country.

  • Steverino247

    I think I'm turning radioactive.
    I think I'm turning radioactive.
    I really think so.

  • proudgrampa

    GLOW-IN-THE-DARK SUSHI!

    We are so freakin' doomed.

  • user-of-owls

    Maybe everyone will die today.

    Ah, this certainly augurs well for our week ahead.

    • SorosBot

      Hey, it'll be fun for those of us who survive into the post-apocalyptic wasteland, scrounging for supplies and warring with other tribes of survivors over the few remaining resources.

      • riverside68

        Gotta get me a dog right now.

        • HELisforHEL

          2 dogs and a shotgun. Or two shotguns and a dog. That's our plan at least.

          • riverside68

            NetFlicks: A boy and his dog.
            Check it out.

          • user-of-owls

            Two Guns, One Dog.

            Ewww.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Just so long as I make my sales quota.

    • GOPCrusher

      I was kind of hoping to make it until May 21st.

    • undeterredbyreality

      Just another manic Monday.

  • GuanoFaucet

    Wanda: "Do you hate radiation?"

    Henry: "No, but I seem to feel better when it's not around."

    • HELisforHEL

      You know your week is already fucked when a play on Bukowski sums things up.

  • ThankYouJeebus

    I, for one, have begun stockpiling precious American commodities such as Koch-free toilet paper and beer. Bring it on, Mayan calendar!

    • proudgrampa

      And beans. Lots of beans.

    • horsedreamer_1

      No MillerCoors, I hope. Big-time Walker donor.

      … & I used to drink much High Life & MGD — unironically, even.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Ras Lanuf, again already? When did the Libyans start naming their cities after High Holy Days?

    I guess we'll all have to say "You're from Fukushima" now instead of the old "You're from Joisey?" jokes.

  • slithytoves

    Nothing will ever sound fishy ever again, once all the fish die of radiation poisoning.

    Of those that didn't already die of crude oil poisoning.

    • SorosBot

      And aren't overfished to extinction.

      • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

        And didn't just slit their fins after reading Wonkette the last couple of weeks.

    • riverside68

      I think things will still sound fishy, sorta like people still know a pig in a poke is a risky bet.
      But I doubt anything is going to Smell fishy, that'll be gone with the wind.

  • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

    Will tinfoil protect me from the radiation? Can duct tape effectively seal my Freedom bunker? Will my Survival Seeds now grow gigantic produce?

    Tell me Glenda I need to know. It's two whole months until the rapture.I don't think the Ho-Ho's will last that long.

    • Geminisunmars

      The Ho-Hos will outlast you.

  • Terry

    In the news this weekend, they said that the technician at the Japanese reactor dropped his equipment and ran after reading that radiation levels were 10 million times higher than normal. This was presented as an inappropriate reaction and why there was no second reading immediately done to double check.

    Honestly, I think the exact appropriate reaction upon reading radiation levels 10 million times higher than normal is to run. A bit of screaming might be in order, too.

    • riverside68

      Wus, it was only 100,000 times normal. What's he afraid of.
      When I was a kid we ate stinking hot radioactive poison three times a day.
      Kids these days don't know how good they got it!

  • BarackMyWorld

    Come on….you saw the Mayan calendar!

    Next year, people! NEXT year!

  • FraAnima

    I can't seem to find a definitive answer on the interwebs … anyone know how long until Godzilla shows up?

  • Oblios_Cap

    American Authorities promise that only trivial amounts of radiation have harmlessly trickled over to our continent and that our precious anus burgers and plasma widescreens are still safe.

    Praise Jebub; it's a miracle!

    Seriously, though, my wife brought home canned salmon over the weekend. That stuff is the anus burger of the fish industry.

    • HELisforHEL

      Yeah, you would think it would be okay, but it truly is awful. Just plain awful. Perhaps some irradiating will make it all tasty-just place the can in your yard for 5 minutes or so.
      SILVER LINING PEOPLE

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Blow and diapers and no Republican Congressman involved???!!

    • DahBoner

      You know, it used to be that just uptight, puritanical English people would immigrate to Boston..

      PAGING SENATOR FOLD!

  • http://www.fifthinternational.org/content/education-programme 4TheTurnstiles

    Anybody know where a guy can find some decent weed? Preferably not from a grandma's diaper?

    • DahBoner

      California.

      • http://www.fifthinternational.org/content/education-programme 4TheTurnstiles

        I'm from Oregon. Stuck in the South. I'm sure anyone can empathize.

  • Mahousu

    We may criticize TSA and customs and all, but whoever it was who checked inside a loaded adult diaper is a far braver person than I.

  • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

    I feel so much better knowing the rebels are on the offensive! I sure hope they brought enough chocolates, flowers, and massages for every one in Tripoli.

  • PublicLuxury

    Ann Coulter says that radiation is good for you, so shut up about already and enjoy better health through contamination.

  • Redhead

    You'd have to have radiation brain damage to be willing to snort cocaine that's been in some woman's DIAPER. Or be David Vitter. Whose brain damage is of the non-radioactive version.

  • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

    obsessive troll is obsessive

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      obsessive troll resets his browser and is obsessive again.

      Wacking that little cheetos-stained penis as he comes by to celebrate Downfistsivus.

  • jjdaddyo

    If I eat a radioactive anus burger, do I get super powers?

    • comptoneffect

      You don't, but your anus does.

      • Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

        ANUS … SMASH!!!

  • Oblios_Cap

    Annoying Breibarters are annoying. They always show up when Riley posts something. Coincidence? I think not.

    Return Andy's calls, Wags!

  • V572 [REDACTED]

    1000g = 1 kilogram = 2.2 lbs. That's a lot of blow to stash in your diaper. But still, you have admire the initiative in thinking that the most ICE drones wouldn't dare to reach inside your diaper.

  • James Michael Curley

    Notice those high radiation levels were in MA and PA. Stuff wouldn't dare show up in NJ.

    • riverside68

      They weren't high enough to overcome the 'normal' NJ background radiation.
      Wait a week, you'll get your turn.

    • GOPCrusher

      Would anyone notice?

      • James Michael Curley

        Yes, how do you think Snookie gets her skin color? Rubbing up against John Boehner?

  • Mumbletypeg

    In case it hasn't been mentioned already: Japan's taken another hit.

  • Hatrabbit

    i hope James O'Keefe goes inside one of the reactors dressed as a pimp and does an expose on this bullshit.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Hmm… headaches … nausea … glowing stool … yeah, must be Monday in America…

  • DemmeFatale

    OT, but true.
    OMG, guys! I was forced through a rape/porn scanner at Tampa International! I became so angry so fast I surprised myself. Normally, I'm a good girl, (I was there to visit my mother!), but I was taken over by blinding rage. Mr Fatale said we had time for a hand body scan, but the last thing I wanted was being touched by those poxy gloves. After the scan, I just wanted to get out of there. When I started to walk away. the TSA guy barked at me to wait on the yellow footprints. "ALL RIGHT!" I shouted. He said, "You don't have to be like that!"
    I thought: "um, yes I do actually. Because while I realize that you are just doing your job, I need to let you know how angry this makes me,"
    It took me hours to calm down.
    Now if they had scanned my gorgeous 20 yr. old daughter…

    • crybabyboehner

      Look at the bright side – at least you weren't wearing a diaper with two and a half pounds of coke in it.

    • crybabyboehner

      Look at the bright side – at least you weren't wearing a diaper with a kilo of coke in it.

  • DaRooster

    "(Nothing will ever sound fishy ever again, once all the fish die of radiation poisoning.)"
    So your saying that BP did all the Gulf fishes a favor so they wouldn't be submitted to radiation. That was nice of them.

  • entropy2

    that picture reminds me I need to get on netflix and order "Barfly"

  • horsedreamer_1

    Lisa Nowak cannot buy a break.

  • Gopherit

    Fun fact for the day: 1000 mSv = 1Sv = 100 REM or rads…..this is something like 10 million times background radiation, if you are ignoring factors of 2. the 100,000 times "normal" is for water that has gone through the reactor vessel.

    We now return you to your unscheduled radioactive holocaust.

  • riverside68

    Did you hear the one about everytime Anne Hathaway gets press, Buffet makes more money?
    The Quaint's computer programs don't know the difference be Anne and Berkshire.
    Good press=buy.

  • ttommyunger

    And the answer is: “What seven words did Moses never utter?”

  • Ducksworthy

    I started to tell my kid about the birds and the bees. What are bees he said. The birds will be the next to go, from eating the glowing fish.

    • HELisforHEL

      Upfusted, even if its truthiness makes me incredibly sad.

  • riverside68

    "Get back to work, these bodies aren't going to just cut themselves up."

  • SkinnyNerd

    Hey world governments, here's a handy little chart from the fine cartoonists at xkcd: http://xkcd.com/radiation/

    Now let me figure out how to turn this concrete building into wood.

  • NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    governments and media pretend to be clueless;
    plutonium dust mixed into air, ground, and water