Today is probably your last chance to finger-bang.

  • More happy cherry blossom news from Japan! Extremely radioactive water has been discovered outside one of the Fukushima reactors, which means there’s a good chance that radioactive liquid is seeping into Mother Earth right now as we are typing this. Tepco officials reported that radiation levels at Reactor No. 2 were “10 million times higher than normal before correcting that figure to 100,000.” That doesn’t sound fishy at all! (Nothing will ever sound fishy ever again, once all the fish die of radiation poisoning.) And while American Authorities promise that only trivial amounts of radiation have harmlessly trickled over to our continent, and that our precious anus burgers and plasma widescreens are still safe, four of eleven radiation detectors in California were offline for “repairs” last week. Oh, and now traces of radiation have been detected on the East Coast, on the other side of the world. So who knows? Maybe everyone will die today. Luckily there is already a plan to drain all the oceans and then use the radioactive saltwater to power spaceships to Mars. [BBC]
  • The price of oil fell to less than $105 a barrel, apparently because Libyan Rebels “retook control of two key port towns and said they would restart crude exports within weeks.” Mission Accomplished! [AP]
  • ADULT DIAPERS IN THE NEWS: “A Boston woman accused of trying to smuggle 1,000 grams of cocaine inside what police describe as a ’diaper-like garment’ she was wearing is facing arraignment.” [Boston Herald]
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