FLOTUS FILES  12:09 pm March 28, 2011

Like All 1950s White First Ladies, Michelle Only Writes Lady Things

by Blair Burke

That's MRS. Flotus to you...FLOTUS fans, rejoice! Michelle Obama is writing a book. It is coming out sometime in spring 2012, which might be helpful if Mister FLOTUS is going to try to keep his job, because how many wars will we be fighting at that point? Anyway, Michelle Obama’s book is going to be all about the White House garden, other gardens, and healthy eating. Proceeds from the book will go to charity — probably a “charity” that gives treadmills to impoverished children. Unfortunately, our FLOTUS doesn’t seem to realize that this book is basically giving the middle finger to suffrage and the women’s movement and all of that because gardening is sexist. Of course.

Our FLOTUS has used her White House garden as a way of sharing her anti-obesity initiative with American children and adults. But writing a book about it is just wrong, according to some lady from a parenting blog called The Stir.

Wait, that’s … it? We have a First Lady who graduated from Harvard, and all you’ll let her write about is the White House garden? Paging 1950, you can have your first lady back. We’d prefer our version be allowed to tackle something a little more meaty.

It’s important to remember that someone is “letting” pre-Civil Rights first lady Michelle Obama write this book, because as a society we are way past gardening, but Michelle Obama coming up with her own ideas would be absolutely ludicrous.

I’d like to think that the strong woman who swept into the White House would instead focus on something grander. Like Let’s Move, the program that has turned the war on childhood obesity on its head, thanks to Mrs. Obama’s hard work? It was, after all, her creation. Or perhaps a tome on what it’s like to be black in America, written by the wife of the first black president? Even a memoir on what it’s like to give up one’s job for your spouse and still make an impact on society would do for feminists’ sakes.

Yes, maybe Michelle Obama should write about the Let’s Move! campaign. Isn’t that the thing where she encourages children to exercise and eat healthy food — say, food you would grow in a garden, outside, using movement? Or she could write about being black. After all, as this article points out, Michelle Obama graduated from Harvard and Princeton, so it’s still very important that she remind everyone of her race at all times. For feminism. [The Stir]

Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 68 comments }

BarackMyWorld March 28, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Her follow up book will be about having babies.

Sophist [غني عن ذلك] March 28, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Black babies that came out of a Harvard-certified, Princeton-approved uterus that still makes an impact on society?

nounverb911 March 28, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Palin's already got that covered.

BarackMyWorld March 28, 2011 at 12:22 pm

I can see it now.

Palin to Michelle Obama: "You don't know nuthin' 'bout birthin' no babies!"

Chet Kincaid March 28, 2011 at 1:56 pm

There should be some kind of Law like Godwin's about the average number of comments in a thread about a post concerning a black woman before that goddamned quote comes up. You have set the benchmark as 4-deep.

Weenus299 March 28, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Born in Kenya, per obvious.

chicken_thief March 28, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Babies don't count. Only retarded babies count. Preferably birthed after flying around for half a day.

PsycWench March 28, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Or perhaps a tome on what it’s like to be black in America, written by the wife of the first black president? Even a memoir on what it’s like to give up one’s job for your spouse and still make an impact on society would do for feminists’ sakes.
Yes, by all means, write something that the teabaggers can quote-mine for information and can post on Facebook sans context so they can have a circle jerk of righteous indignation.

DaRooster March 28, 2011 at 12:22 pm

You must not forget that they are PATRIOTS and would be for the country and the President… no matter who it is.

BarackMyWorld March 28, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Fair point, but they're going to do that anyways.

genxr March 28, 2011 at 12:59 pm

I'm sure her choice of vegetables will reveal her deap-seated hatred of white people, and a chalkboard will draw a direct line between kumquats and the rise of communism.

Andrew Drinker March 28, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Fresh vegetables of any form are elitist! If it doesn't arrive in a can or frozen bag, it's for pinkos! Well, except for genetically modified tomatoes and onions, because they're delicious on your Quadruple Bypass Burger.

Gratuitous World March 28, 2011 at 12:12 pm

"tackle something a little more meaty"

like one of America's children? C'mon, The Stir – make up your mind.

poncho_pilot March 28, 2011 at 1:36 pm

but i thought she was against meaty children? she should write a cookbook. maybe with a title like, Helping People Lose Weight? too long? what about To Serve Man? i think that's a winner.

PublicLuxury March 28, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Maybe our beautiful FLOTUS could write about black gardners at Harvard? I think that would level the field

PublicLuxury March 28, 2011 at 12:13 pm

1950's sexual politics being played in 2011. Sounds time warp-y.

poncho_pilot March 28, 2011 at 1:37 pm

it's a just a jump to the left and a goose step to the right.

PublicLuxury March 28, 2011 at 12:14 pm

I like to garden. It takes bending and carrying and kneeling and pulling… Oh gawd, gardening makes me hawt.

ttommyunger March 28, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Work that trowel, haul that bale, get a little hawt and you land in the kale!

PublicLuxury March 28, 2011 at 12:22 pm

I rather end up in the shower

ttommyunger March 28, 2011 at 12:32 pm

I got nothing.

Mahousu March 28, 2011 at 12:15 pm

… tackle something a little more meaty.
Fine, her next book will be about running your own slaughterhouse.

jus_wonderin March 28, 2011 at 12:16 pm

"I’d like to think that the strong woman who swept into the White House would instead focus on something grander."

Swept? That is womans work Michelle.

nounverb911 March 28, 2011 at 12:16 pm

" Paging 1950, you can have your first lady back. We’d prefer our version be allowed to tackle something a little more meaty."
At least Mamie could write about Ike's driver/mistress.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kay_Summersby

OC_Surf_Serf March 28, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Wait…also on The Stir: "Can't Lose Weight? Convert to a Skinnier Religion "

'nuff said.

PsycWench March 28, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Praise the Lard.

Sophist [غني عن ذلك] March 28, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Hey, didn't we used to wait for someone to actually finish something before complaining that they should write a memoir about it?

chicken_thief March 28, 2011 at 12:51 pm

That's so 1950's….

donner_froh March 28, 2011 at 1:14 pm

If that was the case we would be deprived of the memoirs of such notables as Bristol Palin and Megan McCain.

ChessieNefercat March 28, 2011 at 11:35 pm

Not to mention Bristol's mother's(the 1/2 term gov) "book."

DaRooster March 28, 2011 at 12:18 pm

"We’d prefer our version be allowed to tackle something a little more meaty."

1. Like ME? Yippee!

2. Too much meat isn't healthy.

ShiftyParadigm March 28, 2011 at 12:19 pm

I, for one, am looking forward to where she comes down on the vine-ripened vs. picked pink tomato controversy.

Frost/Nixon/Robocop March 28, 2011 at 12:19 pm

How long before Rush Limbaugh accuses our FLOTUS of using the book proceeds to buy ribs, fried chicken, collard greens, barbecue potato chips, and kool aid? How long will he be able to think about those foods without getting a tiny erection?

ChessieNefercat March 28, 2011 at 11:39 pm

Who knows? Today the bloated gasbag was chatting with a call-in fellow racist about how awful FLOTUS looks in yellow and how odd her shape is.

elviouslyqueer March 28, 2011 at 12:19 pm

We’d prefer our version be allowed to tackle something a little more meaty.

If by "meaty" The Stir is referring to Haley Barbour, then Michelle's going to need the entire front line of the Packers, the Steelers, and the Redskins. Plus a backhoe, also.

edgydrifter March 28, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Michelle's next book will be My Black Laser Power Vagina. There, happy now?

V572 [REDACTED] March 28, 2011 at 12:39 pm

You're scaring people with that kind of talk. Hawwt, though.

FraAnima March 28, 2011 at 1:41 pm

As everyone knows, all black people have lasers in their sexual organs.

ttommyunger March 28, 2011 at 12:20 pm

I think she should write a book about getting horse-fucked in the Lincoln Bedroom by a black man. That would be a first, except for that one dalliance that Nancy had with Sammy Davis, Jr.

chicken_thief March 28, 2011 at 12:53 pm

I'd heard rumors that Sammy had his eye on her…

ttommyunger March 28, 2011 at 12:56 pm

He kept an eye out for all the white wimmen.

Weenus299 March 28, 2011 at 12:21 pm

"How to keep a fertile organic garden that keeps your family happy and healthy, and Rush Limbaugh can suck on his own fucking fat nipples."

Beowoof March 28, 2011 at 12:46 pm

last part = gag.

genxr March 28, 2011 at 1:02 pm

He literally can.

OkieDokieDog March 28, 2011 at 12:22 pm

While I do appreciate her efforts towards curtailing child-hood obesity, (lord knows we have more than enough fat assed Americans) and showing that home grown vegetables are way better than that crap in grocery stores, I gotta say – wish she'd speak out against The WAR on Women. Planned Parenthood has taken a beating by the religious zealots and needs all the help they can get. Mrs. Obama is (I think) strong enough to bitch slap those bastards down.

Or she could just read The Pokey Puppy books to illiterate illegal anchor babies like Laura Bush.

Fare la Volpe March 28, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Illiterate illegal anchor babies
like Laura Bush

That's not true. Laura was very literate.

Andrew Drinker March 28, 2011 at 1:32 pm

WHERE'S THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE, SHEEPLE?!

OkieDokieDog March 28, 2011 at 4:03 pm

lol Ya got me on the bad sentence structure. I've read too many teabaggie signs and blog posts, so noaw Ah dun forgetz propper Engrish.

mourningnmerica March 28, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Another similarity is that Mamie Eisenhower did have the most junk in the trunk of any first lady until Michelle. Also.

Weenus299 March 28, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Maybe it'll be a book about gardening that isn't about gardening? Like Trout Fishing in America. I think she knows a little bit about subversion.

V572 [REDACTED] March 28, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Will it contain a reappearance by legless-bum-on-a-cart Trout Fishing in America Shorty?

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 28, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Not all first lady books are boring. Why is it everyone forgets Mamie Eisenhower's stunning retelling of the Lolita story from the point of view of the girl, L?

Or Nancy Reagan's Sucking Your Way to the Top?

freakishlywrong March 28, 2011 at 12:29 pm

By "Let's Move", does she mean out of this obscenely ridiculous right wing theocracy that U.s. of America has become?

Callyson March 28, 2011 at 12:29 pm

We have a First Lady who graduated from Harvard, and all you’ll let her write about is the White House garden?
Well, she could surprise us…after all, do we really know just what crops are growing there? "Michelle's Medical Marijuana" has a nice sound to it…

LiveToServeYa March 28, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Fine: "The Gardening Manifesto" or how the history of gardening is one of class struggle between species by M. Obama.

genxr March 28, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Death to the fascist insects that prey upon the working tomatoes!

DaSandman March 28, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Her next topic will be "Pussy Shaving in America" The cover will be a picture of a shorn cat.

Beowoof March 28, 2011 at 12:47 pm

And I thought it would be Rush Limbaugh getting a shave.

hagajim March 28, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Maybe she could write a book about how frustrated she gets every time Barak caves in when they have an argument….like he caves on everything else.

genxr March 28, 2011 at 1:07 pm

"You want to watch a chick flick every night. I only want to watch a chick flick once a week. So we'll compromise, by watching a chick flick every night and then another on weekends. Damn I'm good."

Sassomatic March 28, 2011 at 12:54 pm

A real feminist black president would write about her lady parts. America doesn't even know if she mows the lawn.

Come here a minute March 28, 2011 at 12:57 pm

You would think they'd be satisfied by Michelle's writing about getting a share of the crop she is growing on someone else's land.

chicken_thief March 28, 2011 at 12:59 pm

The war on obesity has been turned on its head? So that's why my grandsons have been asking for fruit wedges for dessert instead of the chocolate chip w/M&M's cookies they are usually jonesing for.

Fare la Volpe March 28, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Uh oh, you guys. Downfisty has a bee in her bonnet today.

And by bonnet I of course mean cooch.

DownFist Troll March 28, 2011 at 1:04 pm

She's attacking my rights! I'll show you gubmint! ima eat me a bag of Doritos and drink some mayonnaise with vodka.

For Liberty!

FraAnima March 28, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Yum. Mayonnaise with vodka, shaken, not stirred.

kissawookiee March 28, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Cucumbers and zucchini. See, gardening was MADE for ladybits.

lochnessmonster March 28, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Limpboy says she shouldn't wear yellow or bare her arms. This person criticizes her book subject which may actually help someone. Not everyone knows all about gardening like the elitist blogger. Seems they'd like the FLOTUS to just stay in the WH with all the curtains drawn until the whole thing is over in 2016.

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