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Jesus showing Dubya some new made-up stats proving poor people don't *deserve* to make a fair wage.It’s nut-pickin’ time in Iowa! That’s why Newt Gingrich — a man so amoral and crooked that he has to be screwed into his albino-rat wig each morning — is buddying up with the best wingnuts Texas has to offer, in Iowa. Meet make-believe “historian” David Barton, who brought two important beliefs to Iowa so that corn-growing people who breathed too much pesticide can pick the best Republican nominee to distractedly pretend to care about Fundamentalist Christians while actually answering an email from David Koch on the Blackberry. David Barton has proven that Jesus, the probably-mythological Jewish radical who repeatedly called for both wealth redistribution and the payment of taxes due to the government, actually opposed America’s minimum-wage laws. Well duh! Also: The same Justice Department that spends most of its time dreaming up phony terror plots and then duping some bored/lonely Muslim teen-ager into agreeing to do the plot? It’s a Muslim terrorist organization. Makes sense, kind of?

From Mother Jones’ Tim Murphy:

“I never listen to David Barton without learning a whole lot of new things,” Gingrich said, while inviting his audience to read the Texans’ writings on the Founding Fathers. “It’s amazing how much he knows and how consistently he applies that knowledge.”

Barton is the founder of WallBuilders, an Evangelical organization devoted to breaking down the barrier between church and state—which Barton believes to be a work of pure fiction. Although his work has been torn apart by professional historians, Barton has fashioned himself as one of the leading experts on the idea that the United States is a Christian nation and that its development has been aided at key junctures by divine intervention. (He does have an honorary PhD. from Pensacola Christian College.)

It was kind of a step up for David Barton, who usually speaks to neo-Nazi “Christian Identity” groups and other mechanical-larynx militia types. [Mother Jones]

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  • SmutBoffin

    When you are picking your nuts, remember to always give yourself a quick self-exam. Lumps should be reported to your doctor immediately.

    Together we can stop nut cancer.

    • Come here a minute

      MY doctor? What do you think, I'm Canadian? How does an ER doc react to the question, "Do my balls feel okay to you?"

    • OC_Surf_Serf

      and as soon as you get nut cancer, Newt don't remembers ya name

      • HistoriCat

        Well of course he remembers your name – at least he does up until the point that the divorce is finalized.

  • nounverb911

    Jeebus didn't like banks (moneychangers) either.

  • Grief_Lessons

    If Jesus was probably not real then how can you say what policy positions he wouldn't support? Gotcha, Mr Layne!

    • Christ was not of the Earth but he/she did walk among us. Conversely, Jesus was a holographic sex puppet of the Demiurge. ABC's "The Note" was briefly connected to the latter, via a time tunnel, and that's how we know the position of the False Christ regarding an American minimum wage. (Literally, "The minimum wages of sin are Death.")

      • PopeyesPipe

        did someone say time tunnel?
        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yP2TEdOAldQ

        • jus_wonderin

          Lee Meriwether!!!!!

        • V572 [REDACTED]

          Those are some awe-inspiring pre-Power-Point graphics. Look like they were done with paper cutouts.

      • Beetagger

        My mind is blown. Which is more than I can say about other parts of me.

      • Grief_Lessons

        "…holographic sex puppet of the Demiurge…."

        I was a sock puppet of the demiurge for a while. Made me go to the Vatican website and call the pope a fag.

      • LionHeartSoyDog

        In my reading last night, there was this:
        "My dialectic method is not only different from the Hegelian, but is its direct opposite. To Hegel …the process of thinking, which, under the name of 'the Idea,' he even transforms into an independent subject, is the demiurgos [creator] of the real world, and the real world is only the external, phenomenal form of 'the Idea.' With me, on the contrary, the ideal is nothing else than the material world reflected by the human mind, and translated into forms of thought."
        – Uncle Karl, 1873

        Otherwise, I'd be clueless as to the puppet/demiurge reference.
        Coincidence, or mere happenstance?

  • Wow, Pensacola Christian College. The Hahavad of Christian Colleges!

    Of course this doesn't mean much as ITT and DeVry are Ivy League compared to Christian Colleges.

    • __kth__

      also an honorary degree. Because getting a real degree from Pensacola Christian College is so herculean.

      also (journalism!): according to the Wikipedia, not accredited (I know!), though they do have an application in at the Transnational Association of Christian Colleges and Schools (TRACS). Latter 100%-genuine acronym was hopefully coined by some subversive with a bad heroin jones.

    • V572 [REDACTED]

      A lot of people refer to Harvard as "Pensacola Christian on the Charles, but with suckier weather."

    • vodkamuppet

      All I want to know is what is the Christian college equivalent of Vassar? Once you get those sexually repressed Christian girls to loosen up with a few drinks, they are the dirtiest sex freaks on the planet.

    • My second job is two long blocks away from Pensacola Christian College. This town is so chock full of mentally unstable Christian fanatics that the Southern Baptist young-earth creationists are the moderates, relatively speaking. Beat-up cars have all-upper case bumper stickers with fire-and-brimstone bible quotes, or (my favorite): IF IT AIN'T KING JAMES IT AIN'T BIBLE.

      The students from PCC I see walking off campus are gruesomely wholesome. The women are required to wear long skirts. Male-female physical contact is prohibited. The place has the culture of a madrassa, with academic rigor and open-mindedness to match.

      An honorary Ph.D. from PCC is obviously a formidable credential for a historian.

    • zhubajie

      I wonder what they charged him? The Universal Life Church is about 100 bucks, I think.

  • TanzbodenKoenig

    Is that a PhD in pathological batshittery?

    • SmutBoffin

      No, it's in 'applied batshittery'.

    • Fare la Volpe

      He had a minor in Batshit-American Studies.

  • PalinPussyPower

    Does Newt love him with his patriotic penis? Someone should tell Callista.

    • CalamityJames

      Not until she gets cancer.

      • neiltheblaze

        And only right after the surgery.

  • Boredw/Gravitas

    I do believe that Jeebus said "Blessed are the Koch Brothers, for they shall inherit the earth." Yeah, that Barton guy was right.

  • nounverb911

    "Barton is the founder of WallBuilders,"
    Does he use Messican labor to build them?

    • Just one guy named Jésus.

      • BTWBFDIMHO

        Jesús Cristóbal.

        WallBuilders is building the wall between Messico and Texas and the company uses illegal workers, claiming it only uses them in the Messican side of the border.

        • nounverb911

          "the company uses illegal workers, claiming it only uses them in the Messican side of the border."
          Barton's using illegal Americans on the Mexican side?

  • SorosBot

    Yep, I'm sure there was a fierce debate over minimum wage laws in an ancient society where slavery, with its' standard wage of 0 sestertii per day, was rampant; Jesus must have had an opinion on the minimum wage.

    • LetUsBray

      Well, since as far as I know nowhere in the gospels or anywhere else in the Bible is it said that slavery is wrong, the prick may even have a point.

      • GlowneyHouse

        In Titus 2: 9-10, it tells you how to be a GOOD slave.

        "9 Teach slaves to be subject to their masters in everything, to try to please them, not to talk back to them, 10 and not to steal from them, but to show that they can be fully trusted, so that in every way they will make the teaching about God our Savior attractive." NIV

        Those times are coming back, I fear.

    • TanzbodenKoenig

      You know the parable:

      Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, render unto the Koch Brothers your mortgage, car, dignity, and the spare change in your pocket for good measure.

    • zhubajie

      A denarius a day, he says in one place. Slaves did get paid, just had to give the money to their lazy masters.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Newt's all into the alternate history shit in his novels, I'd bet that in his alternate-biblical-times, Jesus also favored tax breaks for corporate Jerusalem. Also was in favor of bombing Iran, no doubt.

    • vodkamuppet

      Jesus was actually a lobbyist for Big-Aquaduct before those filthy Jews liberals crucified him.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Of course Jesus was against the minimum wage. It's not like he paid the apostles anything.

    • Mahousu

      Nuh-uh. Check it out – John 21:11 – 153 fish, for only 7 of the apostles. That's better than 21 per.

  • “I never listen to David Barton without learning a whole lot of new false things”

    /fixed

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    And, as further proof that Jesus was against the minimum wage, why do you think all them Mexicans named after him work so cheap?

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      That [redacted] made me laugh.

  • I've always been suspicious of what that dude was up to with his 12 friends and 1 whore. The Roman's really missed an opportunity to make an example of these smelly long-haired barefoot seditionists with their loaves and oils and suchlike.

  • GuanoFaucet

    Does Barton drive a camper?

    • WriteyWriterton

      At Pensacola CC, camper drive you.

  • DownFist Troll

    Newty wants us all to know about his personal relationship with supply-side Jesus and his biblical profits.

  • DaSandman

    And Jesus especially loved fat toad faced greasy serial adulterer opportunists named after some sort of salamander.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Mr. Barton, open this gate! Mr. Barton, tear down this wall!
    Oh, Wallbuilders? Sorry, my bad."

    • PuckStopsHere

      I think you meant to say, "Finish the dang fence!"

  • Hey Barton, I had breakfast with Jesus this morning and he said that the poor need a helping hand not a slap in the face. Of course the son of a bitch left me with the bill but that’s my problem.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Was it at McDonald's? I saw Jesus at McDonalds.

      • Jim89048

        Real Jeebus, or just his image in your McGriddle?

      • V572 [REDACTED]

        Nah, The Redeemer was at Denny's having the Cardiac Slam Breakfast. It's not like He's got to worry about His lipids and trigycerides.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Was it at McDonald's? I saw Jesus at McDonalds.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      My kid goes to a local Catholic sunday-school camp called "Camping With Christ" every summer.

      And every summer I tell her, "If you're going camping with Christ, I want you to get some pictures with the big guy this time." She always lets me down.

      • Those kids of yours are going to do just fine in whatever world we leave them.

        With that said, there is no excuse for not trying to leave it better shape than we received it.

  • "Barton is the founder of WallBuilders, an Evangelical organization devoted to breaking down the barrier between church and state"

    shouldn't it be WallBreakers, or something? "Mr. Gorbachev, build up this wall!"

  • Fare la Volpe

    That imaginary degree goes so nicely with his imaginary friend.

    • pbrex

      I think the imaginary degree is instrumental in convincing all the other schlubs of the truth in your imaginary friend's teachings

      • Fare la Volpe

        My imaginary degree proves my imaginary friend is real, because my imaginary friend consecrated by imaginary degree, thereby proving my imaginary friend!

        It's the same logic with the Bible proving its own legitimacy because it says it's legit in the Bible.

        • vodkamuppet

          That's my favorite example of fundie circular logic. "The bible is literal, it says so in the epistles."

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    Actually, it was Pontius Pilate who wouldn't do anything for less than 30 pieces of silver. So Jesus was the first victim of minimum wage.

    • jane cerva

      Er, buddhist, here, so not really a biblical scholar, but wasn't that Judas Iscariot who insisted on the 30 pieces of sliver? Pilate just washed his hands of the whole affair, IIRC.

  • I am also a leading expert on things I make up.

  • DownFist Troll

    Know who else opposed minimum wages? (you know, besides the son of god)

    • SorosBot

      Henry Ford?

      • vodkamuppet

        Believe it or not Ford actually supported a living wage, he wanted his workers to be able to afford his shit. He also named a city Inkster because that was what he called his black workers, but he believed in paying them.

    • The Daleks?

    • genxr

      The Confederate States of America?

    • GOPCrusher

      Pliny The Elder?

    • WriteyWriterton

      The plantation-owning gentry of Mississississippi?

    • CalamityJames

      My former fucking boss?

      • 教授 Zoom

        We have a winnah!

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Your fucking boss? Really? If you two were fucking, you definitely should have been getting more than minimum wage.

        • CalamityJames

          To be quite honest, if we were fucking, I should have been fired after the first wang. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I'm not very good.

    • ProgressiveInga

      Ignatious J. Reilly?

    • Radiotherapy

      Cleopatra?

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Hey! I should probably Punch-You-In-the-Throat® for that!

        (OTOH, those pyramids probably don't come cheap, even at minimum wage.)

    • Every Republican since 1968?

    • jetjaguar

      dinosaurs?

    • Vogons?

  • Barbara_i

    Are actual newts this slimy?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      The ones we have around here aren't slimy at all, but are *seriously* deadly poisonous. Don't worry, they won't bite you; you have to bite them.

    • No.

  • PopeyesPipe

    And when you die, your fat, taco-salad-making grandma, Lord Jesus, and Benjamin Franklin are all beckoning from the top of a golden escalator.

  • Extemporanus

    Barton is the founder of WallBuilders, an Evangelical organization devoted to breaking down the barrier between church and state…

    Much like how Promise Keepers is "devoted to uniting men".

    You Evangelicals sure are a conflicted bunch, aren't ya?

    • No butts about it. Oh, wait….

    • DustBowlBlues

      Promise Keepers and that creepy former Colorado football coach who funded them really creep me out. He had a harmless sounding name, McCartney, or something. His daughter had two illegitimate kids by two different football players, raising the question: what was his recruiting plan, exactly? He was proud of her because she didn't have an abortion. Hey coach: two trips to Planned Parenthood and she could've avoided giving birth to the little bastards in the first place. The first Baby Daddy was such a hero, he died in college and they built a shrine in his locker and prayed to it before games.

      So Mr. Creepy starts up this organization so men can hold big events where they promise to take care of their families and support them, and shit. I always wondered what they would think of a group of women who had to hold a pep rally to work up the enthusiasm to make dinner.

      • SorosBot

        And that's not the worst thing he did; the coach covered up serial sexual harassment and several rapes made by his players, including the kicker who was the first woman to play Division 1 college football:
        http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2004/writers/ric

      • glamourdammerung

        I remember the Promise Keepers. Those were all those guys that liked to get together and cry. I never quite understood why they all wanted to get together just to cry in public, but whatever floats ones boat.

    • Warpde

      Much like how Promise Keepers is "devoted to uniting men".

      Oh great, bring gay marriage into this.

      Sorry, couldn't resist.

  • chascates

    Shouldn't 'WallBuilders, an Evangelical organization devoted to breaking down the barrier between church and state,' be named 'WallRemovers'?

    • 教授 Zoom

      It's just part of Republican naming conventions, such as the Clear Skies Initiative, the Healthy Forests Act, No Child Left Behind, and the Deficit Reduction Act, which included tax breaks that added $50 billion to the deficit.

      • Just one L in wall though. WalBuilders™, a wholly-owned subsidiary of WalMart, Inc.

  • baconzgood

    Why do ALL republicans think Jesus is this monicaled super-vilain who twirles his handlebar mustache going "MUHAHAHAHA". I don't think that's the Jesus that died for our sins.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      In their alt-world, the villain in the Bond films was named Jesus Stavros Blofeld.

    • GlowneyHouse

      Their Jesus would NEVER have died for anyone's sins. He would have hired an illegal to take his place and demanded a private sector crucifixion corporation (in which he owned shares) be allowed to bid for the job For freedom.

  • LetUsBray

    Phony historians on tour '11! I wonder if they trash their hotel rooms if they're served brown Reese's Pieces.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Most people don't read the footnotes of the New Testament, where it states unequivocally that Jesus gouged the fuck out of his followers for all those loaves and fishes.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    You know who else didn't believe in the separation of church and state?

    Yeah, Caesar, that's who!

    • SexySmurf

      I was going to say Ayatollah Khomeini.

  • Doktor Avalanche

    What's funny is that someone could work 80 hours a week (a couple more than GE execs probably) and make a gross $580. A regular 40 hour week comes out to a whopping $290. These people are destroying America!…somehow. WIth their UFOs maybe.

  • That's nothing – you should see what Mary Magdalene had to say about the the so-called “safe haven” rule codified under Section 530.

    • SorosBot

      Well she probably wasn't happy when Emperor Claudius kicked all the Jewish illegal immigrants out of Rome.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    The Gospel of St. Metastasized.

  • baconzgood

    I never listen to David Barton, but I'm sure if I did I'd learn new things too. Like say, crazy people are consistently paid to be on TeeVee and advise the ex- Speaker of the House.

    • GOPCrusher

      I find if you pay too much attention to people like this, your face permanently has a WTF? look on it.

  • …a man so amoral and crooked that he has to be screwed into his albino-rat wig each morning.

    Ding!

    So who would win a fat pandering shithead-off: Haley Barbour or Newt Gingrich?

    (I realize that the GOP has plenty of other contenders…perhaps we could have a fat, bloated racist 16.)
    ~

    • WriteyWriterton

      It would be a wheezing-at-the-photo-finish tie – Huck, Newt, and Barb.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      The Not-So-Sweet Sixteen vie to be in the Anti-Elitist Eight, the best move onto the Fat Four.

      • bumfug

        That would be the Suet Sixteen.

    • TanzbodenKoenig

      Don't forget the T-Paw creepy, skinny carpetbagger wildcard

  • Chillwaver

    You mean that Newt actually loves somebody else other than himself (or women he is not married to)?

    • pinkocommi

      Maybe he is waiting for his current wife to be hospitalized before he leaves her for David Barton.

    • SorosBot

      He loves Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. That's something, I guess.

  • sati_demise

    I thought 'newt' was always an ingredient of witches brew?
    Various parts, sometimes the eye, but newt nonetheless.
    No substitutions.

    • SorosBot

      Willow: "Ooh, are these real newt eyes?"
      Giles: "No, too rich for my blood, I'm afraid. No, these are salamander eyes. It's the cataracts which gives them their newt-like appearance. They're really equally effective, though. It's just a matter of overcoming snobbery."
      Xander: "I'm telling you, Giles. You've got to set up a blind taste-test and prove once and for all that generic amphibian eyeballs are just as good."

    • There is no "I" in "Newt."

  • Callyson

    Guess it's time for a rephrase:
    Old:
    Luke 6:20
    And he lifted up his eyes on his disciples, and said: "Blessed are you poor, for yours is the kingdom of God."
    New:
    Luke 6:20
    And he lifted up his eyes on his disciples, and said: "Sucks to be you–peace out."

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Despite presence of DownFist Troll, BTF hits 110p of a Friday afternoon.

    **twirls his handlebar mustache going "MUHAHAHAHA, no, Mr Downfist. I expect you to DIE."**

    • Radiotherapy

      You get an honorary PhD from Wonkette U. as well.
      **congrats**

    • DownFist Troll

      Wait! Tell me your secret scheme to take over the world first!

  • EdFlintstone

    I'm sure Newt will have a new take on this by Tuesday.

  • keepem_sikanpor

    The fundies are hard selling the word of Koch. So annoying.

  • pinkocommi

    As a Fundamentalist Christian, David Barton is 50% more likely to be obese and 100% more likely to be stupid.

  • Doktor Avalanche

    'WallBuilders, an Evangelical organization devoted to breaking down the barrier between church and state…'

    This guy has managed to wrap Orwellian thought within doublethink in the very name of his organization. What's next a conservative group dedicated to destroying America's infrastructure called Brigebuilders Union? Formerly known as the GOP, of course.

    • SkinnyNerd

      I was just about to post the same thing. Um, the name of your organization should be WallBusters. But it is fitting that the name of the organization makes about as much sense as everything else he says. Maybe he is in on the joke?

    • DustBowlBlues

      I like Bridgebuilders Union, but you left out destroying America's infrastructure and replacing it with shoddy material built by scab workers.

    • Naked_Bunny

      I totally read it as "WallBangers" my first scan through.

  • Ducksworthy

    I believe it says in that there bible, not the conservative bible but the other one, something about render unto caesar what is caesar's so obviously Jeebus was opposed to eating salads, so take that Mrs. Fancy Pants Obammer. Wait what? My mind broke down in there do to my Obammerhatreds.

  • Ducksworthy

    US Senator Al Franken tells the Gospel of Supply Side Jesus. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AK7gI5lMB7M

  • Rotundo_

    And the LORD spat upon the beggar, saying unto him: Fuckest thou! For I have got mine and thou shalt get nought of it! Revelations 69V.2 (the lost chapters)

    • anniegetyerfun

      I wish that I could upfist this comment over and over again, until we are both spent.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Hey! Annie's back! Does this mean another metal hospital lost its funding?

        (I keed. :)

        • anniegetyerfun

          I should have steeled myself for that kind of comment (see what I did there)?

          Shit, I should probably make some sort of joke about Obamacare, but I am already drunk.

    • DahBoner

      "Gotcha! Just kiddeth thou! Here's a million shekels and a Get In Free Pass to my Father's heaven"–Revelations 69 V.3

    • Pithaughn

      In the footnote of Peter's letter to the Republicans he says:
      "Verily, though the tee sheet is full, slip the starter a twenty and he'll let you slip onto the back nine"
      Praise the Starter.

  • sportshort

    Well, Jesus can be excused for having a stick up his butt since he was once nailed to one, but I still think he was mistranslated.

    • CalamityJames

      Mistranslated – Will wonders never cease?

    • chicken_thief

      "Translated"?! You sayin Jesus weren't no Real "Merikun?!

  • WriteyWriterton

    Wonkette has – again – succeeded in depressing the santorum out of me by Friday at 5.

    While I pour me some Irish whiskey, carry on.

    • anniegetyerfun

      It's only 3PM where I am, and all I have in my desk drawer is peanut butter.

      • Jason_inthe_Peg

        You have been downfisted. I will fix.

        • anniegetyerfun

          Sheesh, a girl leaves for a few months and all of a sudden, this place is crawling with… a single troll, I guess? Is that what it is?

          • Jason_inthe_Peg

            I'm not really sure. I know that I have a troll following me and in reading his comments he thinks the Wonkette's admin's are afraid "a couple of conservative posters might beat them up" but that just seems delusional.

            The troll is a weird species of human.

          • anniegetyerfun

            Didn't we have our own brand of conservatives who liked to mix it up? Swifter or whatever and Neilist the gun nut? Plus, our own libertarian blogger, the hot one who only wrote, like, ten blog posts? Just sayin'.

          • SorosBot

            Hey it's great to have you back; first time on the new system I think. Neilist committed account-suicide shortly after the Giffords shooting, when he made a bunch of really, really inappropriate jokes and we dogpiled on him; he then made two new accounts and came back for a bit but just ran off and hasn't been seen sense.

          • HistoriCat

            Oh shit now you've done it – he'll be haunting us all again now … I know how this movie plays out. I am NOT going down into the cellar!

          • Mumbletypeg

            Welcome back, annie!

          • anniegetyerfun

            Thanks! Good to be home.

          • Radiotherapy

            annie, i thought that was you.
            I'm with Writey, it's Bushmill's time.
            Make me laugh.

          • Mumbletypeg

            As often as not, doc, the laughs start with you.

            "Merle Haggard"… made me laugh, anyway!

          • SorosBot

            And now we just need slappypaddy and shortshortshorts to return as well.

          • emmelemm

            I miss slappypaddy and his cat in a cardboard box.

          • Dr. Radio, PhD.

            katydid, where art thou?

      • WriteyWriterton

        Condolences, annie. Good to see you again.

      • DustBowlBlues

        Let me join in welcoming you back. Some of us never left, because this shit never stops being depressingly weird and funny.

        • anniegetyerfun

          Thanks – I never left, I just didn't say anything for a fuck of a long time. When Gawker got hacked, I had to change all my user names and passwords and whatnot, and delete accounts here and there. So I've been here, voting on everyone's awesome commentary, but just didn't put my two (drunken) cents in.

  • Gopherit

    So if Jesus was all about trickle-down, that might explain why the right wing treats Reagan like the second coming……but why weren't all of these assholes raptured?

    • DustBowlBlues

      Good question.

  • glamourdammerung

    Anyone else find it odd how one polishes their "street cred" with the conservative evangelicals by hanging out with white supremacists?

    • WriteyWriterton

      Oh, not "odd." Intuitively obvious 100% correlations at the 100% confidence level with no margin of error are never "odd."

    • WriteyWriterton

      Unspeakably despicable at times, as in this case, but not "odd."

    • Three words: Philadelphia Fucking MIssissippi.

      • glamourdammerung

        According to teabaggers, you are the real racist for pointing out the KKK is a racist group.

        Though I guess I am the racist since I called you a racist until someone calls me a racist. Being a teabagger sure must get confusing.

  • owhatever

    Wonkettes are just jealous because Newt can absolutely prove now, with the writings of Doctor Barton, that … anything at all. I mean, is there a serious candidate in the entire Republican galaxy?

    • V572 [REDACTED]

      That's probably what the Repubes were saying in 2007: "Some colored guy from Illinois, old Hilz, Biden the Plagiarizer, some Mexican from "New" Mexico, and that dwarf with the hot wife? How can we lose?"

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know, I refuse to trust any of this Jesus stuff until I see his long form birth certificate. Son of God my ass. He is probably Kenyan.

  • WriteyWriterton

    The GE story and Rusty Camper (TM) were today's high points for me, Wonkettely speaking. Oh, and anything mentioning Newt, La Grifter, Haley or T-Paw.

    "High points" as in "acutely depressing low points."

    • anniegetyerfun

      I actually started surfing communist web sites after reading, and re-reading, the GE story.

  • Swampgas_Man

    JC was always talking about kings and how He was a King of Kings, so I bet He wouldn't be big on democracy, either.

    • GlowneyHouse

      …and he didn't say he was bringing the "Republic of God," or the "Constitutional Democracy of God" did he?

    • DustBowlBlues

      More like a hippie commune.

  • pdiddycornchips

    I was just on the phone with Jesus this morning and he wants to set the record straight. He's not for the minimum wage, he's for a living wage well in excess of what we call the "minimum" wage. He's also for large breasts, salsa music and fine columbia pot.
    I speak to him nearly everyday and on days when I don't see him, I feel a certain void in my life. He has been delivering my bacon egg and cheese from the deli downstairs since I moved here from Nevada back in the early 1990's. A word to the wise, always tip Jesus.

  • 教授 Zoom

    And Teabag Jesus spake unto the multitude, saying, "Look, if you wanted some loaves and fishes, you should have planned ahead, you idiots. You knew you were going to be here all day, didn't you? What do you want Me to do, feed your lazy asses? Man up, you losers, and don’t blame anybody but yourself for your being hungry."

    And then the LORD did sup with the Pharisees, and He did give them many profitable Investment Tips.

    (Yeah, it's a repost… these fuckers keep giving me a reason to come back to this….)

    • Jim89048

      Sounds suspiciously like brownbag Jesus.

  • anniegetyerfun

    To be perfectly fair, I never listen to Sarah Palin without learning something new, like just how cunty and heinous and baggy a heinous cunt bag can really be.

    To be even more prefectly fair, I never listen to Sarah Palin without my ears bleeding a little.

    • Jim89048

      I never listen to $arah with the sound on.
      Welcome back, also.

      • anniegetyerfun

        Thanks. Missed you guys.

    • Cicada

      Yay! Your new avatar is fetching.

  • CalamityJames

    Hi, thanks for having me. I was just wondering, what the fuck does it matter if Jeebus was against minimum wage? I'm for it and I, unlike Mr. Christ, or Mr. Barton for that matter, actually pay taxes. So, in the end, Mr's. Gingrich and Barton can go fuck themselves and count the millions of dollars that they make screwing over the poor, m'kay?

    EDIT: Also, too, my imaginary friend Pickering Rat Fucker says the rich fuckers and corporations should pay 57% taxes, every year, no matter what, so pay up fuckers.

  • Sassomatic

    "Barton is the founder of WallBuilders, an Evangelical organization devoted to breaking down the barrier between church and state—which Barton believes to be a work of pure fiction."

    Um, same could be said for you "honorary" PhD. Jackass.

  • EdFlintstone

    Up fists for everyone dickwad troll!!

  • mavenmaven

    “I never listen to David Barton without learning a whole lot of new things,”

    New and made-up things.

    • WriteyWriterton

      "…without learning a lot of Newt things."

      /fixed.

  • user-of-owls

    Motherfucking George Washington would kick Jesus in half.

  • mavenmaven

    Keep in mind that Barton and his neo-nazi friends don't mean the historical Jesus of the New Testament, but "White-Person-Jesus", that scary looking aryan guy with the long flowing hair who is a friend of slavery, big business, war, discrimination and death to all non-white folks (and most Catholics, etc).

    • Yes the Klan was quite clear about that, by burning their little crosses in the yards of Papists who dared to live in places like Nebraska and Oklahoma. At least that's the story I got from my white Catholic neighbors when I was a kid in Wisconsin.

  • V572 [REDACTED]

    The shapely (in the movie) pillar of salt that Lot's wife turned into was a metaphor for cancer. I've done serious research* on this subject.
    ________________
    *Made it up

  • Hatrabbit

    To be fair, that was some pretty savvy eyeliner.

  • vodkamuppet

    I kind of find this video refreshing. We've all been stuck at one time or another listening to some cracker quote random bible verses at us but this guy doesn't even bother with that; he just says teh bible sez it and leaves it up to us to go look it up. It's a real time saver, I only had to ignore him for two minutes instead of the usual 10-15 it takes to get to my stop.

  • harry_palmer

    Newt can ask him directly when he comes back in May. (He'll probably want to borrow Santa Claus's sleigh so he can get around and visit a few homeys – those people he said wouldn't taste death before he came back and shit.)

  • bflrtsplk

    Wait a minute. The organization is called WallBuilders and it's dedicated to tearing down barriers? By definition, WallBuilders would be more likely to erect barriers than tear them down. Then, maybe I don't understand proper English.

    • neiltheblaze

      I noticed that too – but I just assumed it was because they're illiterate.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Yeah but I bet you didn't get an honorary MD either. They usually reserve those for barber-surgeons, specifically the guy or gal who shampoos your head with an awesome scalp massage.

  • rocktonsam

    sounds joowie

  • neiltheblaze

    See, I know there's no god because if there were she would smite these motherfuckers.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Trickle-Down Jesus?

    • PopeyesPipe

      Yeah, trickling down my chin.

      DAMN YOU FACIAL JESUS!

  • user-of-owls

    I knew this jackanape's name sounded familiar. A while back, our local [fucking] editorial page [fucking] editor {asshole} published a column extolling said monkey-brain's prowess by noting that he was, " a man many know as “America’s historian.”

    When a distinguished professor of history (the highest possible rank at the university), who is a rare combination of intellectual demi-god and nice guy, wrote an admirably measured guest column suggesting Barton just might not be the most reliable of historians, this [fucking] {asshole} MIKE MASTERSON (!!!) sneered at the man "who was identified as a distinguished professor of history." Sorry, this doesn't just stick in my craw, this fishes my craw out and crays it. Here's a link to what [fucking] {asshole}[fucking] {asshole}[fucking] {asshole}[fucking] {asshole} <cunt>MASTERSON</cunt> wrote:
    http://epaper.ardemgaz.com/WebChannel/ShowStory.a

    • ShaveTheWhales

      What a sniveling twit.

      Owls, is it some kind of geas that forces you to live in Arkansas?

      • user-of-owls

        If that means "job" and particularly, "tenured job," then yes. And I know it's hard to believe, but there are actually a lot of good people here. Honestly, think about it. Of all the most soul-sucking outrages we've seen here on the Wonk, how many have actually been from Arkansas? And please bear in mind, I was born and raised a Masshole so I've none of the cultural/historical/genetimical baggage that infests a Southerner. So, um, yeah.

    • DustBowlBlues

      I checked the link, to discover where you're from. Arky.

    • DustBowlBlues

      The asshole you cite probably doesn't trust Dr. Distinguished but prefers this Barton freak because he got his education just the way Glenn Beck did. Like Mormon Batshit, he's no doubt got his education for FREE–at the LIBRARY.

      • chicken_thief

        Would that be the, uh, PUBLIC library… founded by that communist Ben Franklin?!

        • We need to cut the funding for those elitist libraries only edumacated folk read books. Them eggheads is wasting our tax dollars.

    • History Ph.D.s — the real ones — tend to take the longest time to earn, about 8-10 years, I've heard.

      Newt got an M.A. and Ph.D. in six years, including a year he was teaching full time. In western Georgia.

      David Barton's honorary Ph.D. from PCC was based on two years of Vacation Bible School.

      [By the way, is there really a university in Arkansas?]

      • user-of-owls

        1) That's because historians are lazy languid.

        b] This obviously puts the lie to so-called "accreditation."

        iii} Clearly the school would do better to rename itself as Pensacola Christian Poly-Tech.

        IV…Philistine.

  • DahBoner

    Looks like Jesus was actually against the Maximum Wage Teabaggers:

    JAMES 5:1-6

    "Come now, you rich, weep and wail over your impending miseries. Your wealth has rotted away, your clothes have become moth-eaten­, your gold and silver have corroded, and that corrosion will be a testimony against you; it will devour your flesh like a fire. You have stored up treasure for the last days. Behold, the wages you withheld from the workers who harvested your fields are crying aloud, and the cries of the harvesters have reached the ears of the Lord of hosts. You have lived on earth in luxury and pleasure; you have fattened your hearts for the day of slaughter.­"”

    • DustBowlBlues

      Wait a minute–my pastor isn't on wonkette, is she? And using the screen name DahBoner? That sounds like the hippie Christianity she preaches.

    • emmelemm

      Wow. I wouldn't mind seeing that engraved on a Department of Labor building in every state. Or something.

  • neiltheblaze

    I'm sure Jesus was all for ditching the old sick one once she couldn't perform her wifely duties – or once she refused to put on the GIrl Scout uniform.

  • neiltheblaze

    And another thing, they'd never let Jesus in the Oval Office in the Bush Administration with all that hair. Hippie.

  • Guppy06

    I'm surprised Gingrich listens to anybody that isn't talking about confectioneries.

  • Radiotherapy

    Never forget, the primary goal of Republicans Christianity is to cut taxes on the rich.

  • DustBowlBlues

    I'm about 160 comments into this, but has anyone mentioned this guy seems to feel that Jesus and the Founders would favor the Roman taxation system: you're poor so you're fucked?

    • SorosBot

      There are some days I wonder if we should should return to the Roman taxation system under Sulla, the Second Triumvirate (Antony, Augustus and the other guy) and Caligula: you're really rich, so we'll invent treason charges, have you executed and confiscate your wealth.

  • DustBowlBlues

    Needless to say, they never notice that the Founders as well as the Framers had their pantaloons, or whatever they wore under those skinny pants, were worked up about the Estate Tax. As in, they would totally be for it because they were so opposed to passing on wealth and establishing an aristorcracy.

    Also, it was taxation without representation. The prepositional phrase is always left out of their asshat diatribes. (Without was a preposition, right?)

  • VinnyThePooh

    Minimum wage in a barter system?

  • user-of-owls

    My Jesus has a first name,
    it's J-E-S-U-S;
    My Jesus has a second name,
    it's M-A-L-V-E-R-D-E;
    Oh I love to to worship every day,
    and if you ask me why I'll say,
    "'Cuz Jesus has a way to turn
    informers into frappe.

  • ttommyunger

    The totality of knowledge these two dickwads possess about all things Biblical would rattle around and fall out of a gnat's ass.

  • I listened to 20 seconds of the video and re-learned one old thing: that I hate the sound of smarmy, self-congratulatory preachers almost as much as I hate the sawmill whine of Sarah Palin's nasal drone.

  • Warpde

    Eye of the Newt should have stopped talking after "I never listen to David Barton"
    Then again, I should have stopped reading there too.

    …It rubs the lotion…

  • Jukesgrrl

    As if that wall theme wasn't enough lack of logic for one day… How does a guy who believes Jeebus has a direct hand in guiding our country, ALSO believe the current occupant of the White House is the Devil Without a Birth Certificate? You'd think Jeebus would wake up and pay special attention to our presidential elections if they are so damned important that the campaigning has to start 20 month before the election.

    Why am I imagining Herr Doktor spends Friday nights putting Koch up his nose and enjoying the films of James O'Keefe with a few female members of his flock?

  • BarackMyWorld

    Newt should return his doctorate in history to Tulane University if he's not planning on using it.

  • zhubajie

    "He does have an honorary PhD. from Pensacola Christian College."

    Boy, talk about academic achievement! :-(

    • BTWBFDIMHO

      Pensacola in Italian means ass that thinks. Makes sense.

  • zhubajie

    But are they true? That's the key.

  • Yes its true! Jesus died on the cross for our sins and to make sure we never made more than $5.50 an hr.

    • Warpde

      I make $6 an hour….is that a sin?
      Super size that for you sir?

  • Lost_Teabaggers

    Yes…there's a couple of easy, scholarly ways to dispatch a douche like David Barton…you know, explaining WHY the seperation was created (a bit like this: Church of England goes from colony to colony demanding fealty while using the English garrison as enforcer muscle, yeah that kind of sucked and pretty much explains why religious freedom is in the constitution and the seperation is implied….dumbshits) you could do this, but the most damning fact about this dumbass is he has an honorary degree from PCC (not even a real one, shit even Palin could graduate from PCC) and was Beck not-U's "Faith" (a degree in 30 minutes or it's free, yeah like Beck would ever refund) internet religion instructor. Jim Baker has more credibility…oh, and Newt is a nuclear-neutron bomb level douche.

  • finallyhappy

    Let me first say, I do not believe in Jesus as the Son of God(yes, I am a destined to burn in hell Jew). However, I still think that if these bigot/liars like Newt and his boy, DB, do claim to believe- won't they be burning for blaspheming about their God? I mean, I don't actually believe in hell or heaven anyway-so I hope something bad happens to them here for lying, cheating and trying to harm the poor even more.

  • Naked_Bunny

    If poor people would just suffer quietly, then die quickly, they'd get a vast reward of riches in Heaven. The rich people say so. Why would they lie?

  • Walkinwiddaking

    "That’s why Newt Gingrich — a man so amoral and crooked that he has to be screwed into his albino-rat wig each morning"

    I absolutely love that line.

  • MiniMencken

    Does anyone have the contact info for the fundraising auction of David Barton's collection of Tom of Finland action figures? I really, really want to be able to bid.

  • Plowmon

    It's this kind of batshittery that forced me from the Republican party years ago; I only wanted balanced books and to keep the Feds nose out of everything, live and let live, etc.. Christ was a socialist radical and in your face about it, where do these people come from and what substance are they on?

  • PublicLuxury

    I know Jesus. He grows the very best Chili's that I have ever eaten. He's an excellent gardener. I had no idea he was all biblicly. WOW

  • [redacted]hse

    I want more intelligence on the madrassa in Pensacola that gave Barton his honorary "degree."

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