Haley Barbour Pro-Baby; Barack Obama Anti-Baby

  lobbyists with feelings

Waterworks. It's available. $150.“We’re doing everything that we can to stop abortion in our state,” Mississippi chief hog proctor Haley Barbour said. “And if I get elected president, I will come into office with that attitude. And that’s about 180 degrees different from the current president.” That’s right, Barack Obama is doing everything he can to increase abortion while he’s in office. But what’s his track record? So far, like on many issues, Obama is failing in this department. Still, that didn’t stop Haley Barbour from bawling on stage at a speech in Iowa today because he loves developing humans so much. Yes, apparently he still thinks he can run for president. Even when he’s once again providing his interesting perspective on black people.

A bit choked up, Barbour said he never would have predicted at the time how important the law would be to a future White House campaign.

Of course not! (And it still won’t be important. Because nobody will vote for this man.)

“Barack Obama fought such a law, and defeated such a law, in Illinois,” Barbour said.

“After an abortion in Chicago,” he said, pausing to collect himself, “the medical personnel are not able to save the life of a child. To me that’s inexplicable. And we changed the law in Mississippi so that could never happen in our state.”

 
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Isn’t that how an abortion works? You can take out whatever fetus goop is in there because it’s not a baby that survive outside the womb? “No!” Barbour shrieks, fighting back tears. “Give the fetus some medicine! Put a pretty little dress on it! She’ll be fine! Just fine!”

And then Barbour goes and says shit like this:

“The priests and the pastors who walked for civil rights, today the left would say there’s no place for religion in politics,” Barbour said.

Yes, because the priests and pastors who fought the Haley Barbours of the era weren’t really concerned with civil rights, their purpose was to promote their religion in politics and maybe see if they could force some kids to pray at a lacrosse match or whatever.

Those black pastors being political? They’re still around! They are named “Sharpton” and “Jackson” and such! But never mind, Haley Barbour is too concerned about THE BABIES to start noticing the existence of black people. [Politico]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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139 comments

  1. randcoolcatdaddy

    Outlawing abortion is only the first step these people have towards giving fetuses (feti?) full voting rights.

    1. jus_wonderin

      But, isn't this counter intuitive. I mean, it's only the browns that abort their babies. These feti are not going to grow up to vote Conservative unless, unless, they can be convinced their lives would be better under the Conservatives.

      Hmmmmm. I am really confused on this one.

      1. randcoolcatdaddy

        They're hoping that the white, pale colored feti from the South will vote Republican.

        What they're not counting on is that these are actually the reptilian spawn of aliens.

        The darker toned feti will, of course, vote for the Muslin.

      2. Zvi_Bleindmeis

        The browns are the only ones to abort their babies openly. (Well, maybe some liberals, too.)

        When Gwendolyn gets knocked up in her junior year by the kid with the brush-painted F-150 and the tattoos, though, there's a quick trip to Atlanta or somewhere for a "death in the family."

  2. 教授 Zoom

    Barbour pretty much has the White Fetuses Citizens' Council endorsement sewn up, then.

  3. SorosBot

    “We’re doing everything that we can to stop abortion in our state”

    Funny, I never heard that Mississippi had a top-notch sexual education program promoting the use of condoms and other forms of birth control, and made sure said birth control was easily available and affordable to all.

    1. Barbara_i

      I'd be happy if they just evolved enough to not need a ketchup bottle at their Thanksgiving table.

    2. zhubajie

      You never heard of them having a top notch education program in anything, because they're always at the bottom.

  4. the_problem_child

    You don't put little dresses on them, you put them in a jar. Haley's just pig-ignorant.

    1. comrad_darkness

      Hey Sweetheart, get ON my belly! is the only form of reproduction this guy's got a chance at.

  5. savethispatient

    I'm assuming Haley Barbour also wants sex education to start in junior school, and condoms to be freely available to teenagers in order to cut the number of unwanted pregnancies in the first place, right?

    1. baconzgood

      He's also working on implementing a needle exchange program and midnight basketball teams for inter-city youth.

      1. aqua_buddha

        Well let's just say "certain" people. And we can use other words that signify what we mean, too– people who may be involved in "urban areas" or maybe "crime" or "community organizing" or "social programs". People who tend to take advantage of governement entitlements like medicare and medicaid because they have no option. People who are generally identified with so-called "poverty" status, or minorities who may be here illegally anyway.

        And let's just say those people should face really fierce ID certification measures at the voting booth. Because we don't want them having access to contraception or family planning— we're not against a large, powerless underclass— we just don't want them voting.

  6. GuyClinch

    Hey, c'mon, he just wants every fetus to have a chance to grow up to be a puffy, fat-necked, racist ex-lobbyist tool like him

  7. Jukesgrrl

    And to illustrate how much you love babies, you cry like a baby? Am I the only one left old enough to remember what happened to Edmund Muskie's presidential election campaign when he cried? Oh, I forgot — different rules for Dems. It's just assumed that a Southern Republican is a regular ole Walker, Texas Ranger, even when he's too fat to lift his arm off the table.

  8. SayItWithWookies

    Haley Barbour weeps for an imaginary unsaved abortion in Chicago — this is clearly a desperate attempt to make our lachrymose House speaker seem manly and able to grasp reality.

  9. Ducksworthy

    You tell em Boss Hogg. Gawd these people are disgusting. And T Paw, although disturbingly skinny (generally a sign of hookworms in a rethuglican) has done his best to turn Minnesota into the Mississippi of the North.

  10. SexySmurf

    Remember when crying in public automatically disqualified someone from being president (i.e. Ed Muskie)? Can we bring that back?

  11. OneDollarJuana

    Hayley Barbour is one of the reasons Mississippi is stellar in its treatment of the poor and disadvantaged. Stellar as in black hole where nothing good ever comes out.

  12. angryclownspawn

    Hayley won't rest until all the little fetuses can exercise their second amendment rights the way Jesus intended.

    1. Ducksworthy

      I think its a genus of rethuglicans with several species who have evolved slightly different characteristics. You have your Fatlyiingshitsack Corpulosus, Fatlyiingshitsack obeseus and of course Fatlyiingshitsack Fatlyiingshitsack

    1. bumfug

      And makes sure no one else will ever see it either – hidden away as it is, behind that mud-flap of flesh.

  13. Giveusabob

    Louis XVI executed people for dropping bad puns in his court. But don't worry, I'd gladly take the ax in your place for that one.

  14. Doktor Avalanche

    Funny, I'm pretty sure it's the motherfuckin Constitution, Thomas Jefferson, SCOTUS, etc who say there’s no place for religion in politics.

  15. edgydrifter

    Hey Republicans! Do you remember 2001 – 2007, when you had complete control of every fucking branch of the federal government? Hmm? Ringing a bell, is it? Remember how it was so vitally important to protect those little globular protohumans from the knives and needles of their sinful incubators (aka women) that YOU DID NOTHING? Why, it's almost as if abortion is a crass wedge issue that you troll out to your slobbering base every election to get them all riled up but which you never intend to finally resolve. I'll bet you wear out the knees on your XXXL Sansabelt trousers thanking Jesus every day that your core supporters are so forgetful and so feeble-minded that this works EVERY. FUCKING. TIME. Hallelujah! It must seem like a miracle to you. It's a damned disgusting travesty to me.

    1. comrad_darkness

      Ditto that fence they bitch and moan about between here and MeHeeKo. They spent billions, but never seem to trumpet the results, funny that. Something about a handful of miles of dysfunctional result. They are incompetent, even at the shit they blabber on about, nonfuckingstop, essentially.

    2. KeepFnThatChicken

      Is it also disgusting that I laughed at this — when your argument should make people well up in guilt-ridden and self-deprecating tears?

    3. Dr_pangloss

      They were to busy running the two minutes hate loop machine for the War in Iraq to get it on with the abortion stuff. Priorities, Priorities..

  16. Mumbletypeg

    Put a pretty little dress on it! She’ll be fine!

    This reminds me of a bizarro story that made news in my mountain hometown in TN some many years ago.
    It was reported on the 6 o'clock local news that a woman had to give up the pet fawn she had adopted from the wild, cited for animal cruelty that involved not just feeding the sick deer table scraps like a coon hound deserves (and digests) better, but for piercing the deer's ears.
    I did not see footage of what the ears were pierced with. I did not want to see it, even though I suspected less Goth-exotic plugs and more likely rhinestone maybe in a nod to Joan Jett or seed pearls like some infants' pierced ears you see at christenings.
    I did observe the woman weeping on camera (like I'll get to see Barbour do when I get home I guess) in reaction to the deer being removed from trailer home; she hadn't intended anything but love for the critter.
    Point being: efforts to re-humanize a voiceless entity, no matter how noble the wishful intention, ends up just coming across as at best, tacky — and at worst a cross between fetishization on a personal level and unhinging some urge for the spotlight of attention that was previously lacking.

    1. ProgressiveInga

      I'm no shrinking violet, but piercing a fawn's ears? I swear to jeebus that I'm going to have nightmares tonight. That's even worse than Cormac McCarthy's Child of God. Or maybe it's a scene from that story of serious depravity……Definitely having nightmares tonight. Thanks man.

    2. poncho_pilot

      i'm reminded of the people who dress their stillborns up and take pictures of them posed before they bury them. those pictures will haunt me forever.

      1. Steverino247

        No fucking shit! My wife and I lost our first child and it was horribly painful, but we never got near that level of sickness.

        1. Ms Kami Quasimodo

          (sigh) I've taken them, as a labor & delivery nurse, who has delivered stillbirths. Actually, photos of the baby (such as it is) wrapped in a little blanket can help with the grieving process; parents don't have to see them, some don't, but return several months later for them. Dressing up the dead fetus? Sick. Think: miniature zombie flesh, logistics problems keeping things together enough to put miniature clothes on (some companies make kits for this).

    3. SayItWithWookies

      I remember reading about either that or a very similar story a few years ago — and I wouldn't be surprised if people have done this mutliple times. And deer are damn skittish and easy to panic — how do you even get close enough to one to grab it and pierce two years and then put earrings in them? I mean, if your kid disappeared for weeks and then one day came out of the woods with antlers crudely sewn into his head, I could see doing it to teach those horrible deer a lesson — but otherwise, what the hell?

  17. Ducksworthy

    If abortion didn't exist in this cuntry the GOP would introduce it so they could whine about it and con ignorant rednecks into voting exactly contrary to their fundamental economic interests. Fatlyiingshitsack, also.

  18. 教授 Zoom

    Funny, I always think that those anti-abortion protesters on the street corners are holding up huge photos of open-faced pork BBQ sandwiches….

    1. Gopherit

      Haley eats fetuses? That would explain his zealous desire to save them all……for later. Fetus gumbo.

  19. DownFist Troll

    FUCK THIS STUPID FAT FUCK! Jesus Christ, this asshole wants kids born but won't spend a penny to make sure they get healthcare.

    1. Gopherit

      All vaginas should have job centers installed. We don't want those lazy babies coming out thinking they can just suck off the teat.

    2. 教授 Zoom

      It's the gummint's business to make sure that babies get birthed, not to make sure that they have any resources after that. Why do you hate America?

  20. TanzbodenKoenig

    Ah, Mississippi: the reason I moved 400 miles to be as far as possible from those inbred illiterate motherfuckers and still be in TN.

    (I know, I know, we got plenty of unlettered brother-uncles here in TN too, but at least we have some gorgeous scenery to make up for it)

  21. EdFlintstone

    Sick joke of the day:

    Q—How do you get a dead baby in a bowl?
    A—Use a blender

    Q–How do you get it out?
    A–With tortilla chips.

  22. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Actually, increasing the rate of abortion in Mississippi might be as noble of calling as anyone could undertake.

    1. CalamityJames

      I say we just abort Mississippi itself. Hell, I'll make the ultimate sacrifice, take out me and Alabama as well.

  23. Guppy06

    "because he loves developing humans so much"

    Who in Mississippi could truly be called "developed?"

  24. Sassomatic

    If you drive by the abortion clinic in New Orleans you'll see that almost every car in the parking lot has Mississippi plates. That's because birth control is barely available in Mississippi and there are no abortion clinics. If he wants to stop abortions he'll have to put up a wall between Louisiana and Mississippi. We don't mind.

    1. Ms Kami Quasimodo

      There has been an upswing in ER visits of sequelae of illegal abortions performed in states like Mississippi – abortions are impossible to get, women are poor and desperate for them, so what to do? There is still an illegal underground network of providers of some sort, I guess.

  25. fartknocker

    Haley Barbour is just another shit stain that doesn't care what's in your gun cabinet but feels he has the right to supervise a woman's reproductive organs.

    Please Lord, let him get the Republican nomination. I can't wait to see who his V.P. choice. I'll offer up Rick Perry. And I want to watch Obama mop the floor with him in the debates.

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      I'm just waiting for Haley to call Barry 'boy'….it's ingrained in him so it's bound to slip out eventually.

  26. genxr

    He's going to be 180 degrees different. For example, Obama thinks it should be illegal to shoot abortion doctors…

  27. pinkocommi

    They love babies so much, it's as if it is a sin to not be having sex every minute of every day. It's like those of us lucky enough to have jobs should quit them and then we all could spend our entire lives in a giant orgy…. Hey, that's not such a bad idea.

  28. comrad_darkness

    God clearly hates Haley Barbour or He would have given him a uterus so he could make all the zygotes and fetuses for his own self. Alas, he will be bitter and hateful forever instead. Amen.

  29. GOPCrusher

    Is Haley trying to convince us now, that Martin Luther King Jr., Jesse Jackson, etc. were actually marching for fetus equal rights?

  30. FraAnima

    Of course Obama "is doing everything he can to increase abortion while he’s in office." He needs a constant supply of aborted baby blood to quench his satanic thirst. Duh.

  31. Bluestatelibel

    Look, the poor guy is clearly 9 months pregnant (with twins by the looks of it); allow him to get a little emotional now and then.

  32. neiltheblaze

    Well, the water works schtick worked so well for John Boehner, no? Actually – no it didn't. Never mind.

  33. Redhead

    I think these people care SO much about six-week old fetuses with absolutely no chance of surviving outside the mom, if they're even big enough to be seen at that point, because they know the fetuses won't vote against them.

  34. DahBoner

    TAX TIP:

    I wonder if Haley Barber has ever had a abortion?

    If so, I hope he saved the receipt.

    I hear they are tax-deductible.

    You know how Republicans love to save money on their taxes!

    1. SorosBot

      Hey racist shit-for-brains motherfucker, Obama is not a Muslim and that reich-wing meme is one of the most racist things out there.

      Also, good job making a point by linking to Breitbart, a known constant liar. Has he apologized for what he did to ACORN yet?

      1. comrad_darkness

        Hey, poors don't deserve no help with their taxes and landlords. That's some commie shit, that.

  35. tessiee

    Yeah, but then he ate them all himself, so you can't really give him *too* much credit for that.

  36. tessiee

    “Give the fetus some medicine! Put a pretty little dress on it! She’ll be fine! Just fine!”

    Didn't Santorum actually do that?

  37. aqua_buddha

    True. We would be an international laughingstock.
    What next, an arrogant, illiterate son of a president that can't put a sentence together on his own, or pronounce what's on the teleprompter without smirking ?
    Oh, right.

  38. Fuck Toad

    “After an abortion in Chicago,” he said, pausing to collect himself, “the medical personnel are not able to save the life of a child."

    You lying fuck, you can't even stick to Jill Stanek levels of dishonesty. The party line is "In Chicago, babies born alive after an attempted abortion can just get chucked in the supply closet!" not "In Chicago, babies born alive after an attempted abortion must get chucked in the supply closet!'

  39. MrFizzy

    He's storing a baby in each cheek, in case it gets late and there's no Cracker Barrel around.

  40. PublicLuxury

    And this human piece of dung is going to tell me how to live my life and what I can or cannot do with my uterus and what and who I can do in my bedroom. Small government? Indeed. Just big enough to fit in my WoooHooo. Fuck off, Haley the Barbarian

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