the forgetables

‘An Evening With the Joe’s’: History’s Greatest GOP Meeting of Minds

Ewj. Ewj ewj ewj.Tonight, history will be made. “Join the launch of the historic effort to Defeat Barack Obama with America’s most influential and conservative ‘Joe’s’ at the pre-launch party,” says the invitation. “No,” you’re thinking to yourself. “But — it’s impossible, right? They can’t get all three.” OH, BUT THEY CAN. The Tea Party Express’ Our Country Deserves Better PAC is pulling out all the stops and apostrophes for “An Evening With the Joe’s,” featuring Joe Miller, Joe the Plumber, and Sheriff Joe Arpaio. (Apparently McCarthy couldn’t make it.) And according to an e-mail sent out by the Tea Party Express’ Joe Wierzbicki (WE SEE WHAT’S GOING ON HERE!), the librul news media have been mocking them for this event and its “pack of losers,” so if you don’t show up to it Obama will be elected. Is that what you want?

Yesterday we told you about the exciting effort by three leading conservatives (Sheriff Joe Arpaio, “Joe The Plumber,” and Republican Senate nominee Joe Miller) to raise $35,000 for The Campaign to Defeat Barack Obama.

As we were telling you about this, the news media was mocking us, calling these people a pack of losers, and predicting our efforts would fail. Please don’t allow these liberal skeptics to be proven right.

Mocking them? Who could ever mock these individuals? Sheriff Joe Arpaio is inspiring for the sheer inanity and banality of his bigotry. You don’t have to be anything special to make a career out of hating Mexicans! Joe the Plumber is inspiring for his perseverance, picking up from each small-market infomercial or conservative webcast he is fired from and moving on to the next one with the strength of an idiot who couldn’t even get himself a real plumbing job in the first place. And Joe Miller is inspiring for being on Twitter, talking shit about Lisa Murkowski, as if he will ever have a shot to take that job he literally said he was measuring the drapes for. Yes, these “Joe’s” are great minds, the leaders of tomorrow.

We hope they have good security, as this must be the biggest terrorist target in human history. America’s only hope is gathering at a place Google says is called “TNT Archery,” and if something were to happen, freedom itself, not just these men’s rising careers, would die. [Our Country Deserves Better via Gawker]

Sponsored Video
Related

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

233 comments

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Unrelatedly, I always found the application of "bros before hoes", on the part of friends of the time when such phrasal usage was chic, to be wrong-headed. To suggest, when given the choice of doing something with a group of (male) friends & doing something (something) with a girlfriend, doing something with the males, neglecting the relationship with the dame — preposterous.

  1. TanzbodenKoenig

    I wonder if Joe Miller is going to elucidate on his relationship with Alaska's finest – our newest homegrown right wing extremist terrorist Schaeffer Cox (Kochs?)

  2. SorosBot

    Funny that "America's most influential and conservative 'Joe's' [sic]" are two guys with no influence whatsoever and one who only has influence in the one county where he enforces his fascistic, illegal version of law enforcement.

  3. Cicada

    First they mocked the teatards, and I said nothing because…well, because it was really funny.

    1. SorosBot

      They are going to show how tough and manly they are, with a medley including such hits as The Village People's Macho Man, Elton John's Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting, and Queen's We Are the Champions / We Will Rock You.

  4. user-of-owls

    Oh yeah, wingnuts!? Well we have our own "Evening With The Joes."

    Joe "Uncle" Stalin,
    Joe Chi Minh,
    and Giuseppe "Joe" Pasotti.

    How d'ya like them apples?!

    1. ChessieNefercat

      "An Evening With the Joe’s
      The Joe's what? "

      Wait, wait, I know this one! Joe's shoe's, right?

      Tawd's bin givin' out grammer lessons, also, too.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      Ugh, and you just know they're going to play Mellencamp all night too, never once actually listening to the lyrics. As usual.

  5. harry_palmer

    Miller, Plumb-boy and Arpaiao = Joe the Loser, Joe the Schmoozer, and Joe the Abuser.

  6. widestanceroman

    Because the Evening with the Larry/Darylls worked out so well?

    Also, needs more apostrophes.

  7. DownFist Troll

    That much mass of stupid can't exist in the same area, otherwise it will collapse in on itself and create a super blackhole of dumb.

  8. jus_wonderin

    What!!!??? Where the f@#k is Joe from The Facts of Life???? She could punch all three out.

  9. user-of-owls

    Well isn't that precious. I just got not one, not two, but three bad fisties for my comment above. That's a first for me.

    1. Not_So_Much

      I'm jamming my fist up everyone on this string — figured our stalkers have mobilized their virtual HoveRounds to teach us all a lesson and make us cry salty pee-less tears tonight. (Jokes on them as most of us drink straight into blackout – ha!)

  10. Gopherit

    Quick, a wonketteer has to go and throw pink underwear on the stage when Sheriff Joe comes on stage.

  11. EdFlintstone

    Tell Sheriff Joe and Miller to stop sucking off the government teat and then tell the plumber the toilet is backed up.

  12. bloodandirony

    I guess "two Joes, plus Sam Werzleberker" (sp?) didn't have quite the same ring to it?

    1. Gopherit

      That sounds like one of those bizarre and improbable sexual things you find on urbandictionary.

  13. CapeClod

    "As we were telling you about this, the news media was mocking us, calling these people a pack of losers, and predicting our efforts would fail. Please don’t allow these liberal skeptics to be proven right."

    Shows a lot of self-doubt that they feel the need to say "Liberals will laugh at us if if this event turns into a turkey."

    Losers don't run in packs. A grouping of them should be called a "Skulk."

    1. jus_wonderin

      "Packs" does point to a certain degree of focus. "Skulk" conjures the image of John McCain at any debate.

  14. SorosBot

    We've got one guy who has hired goons beat up reporters, and another who has official police goons beat up brown people for being Mexican; the non-plumber might have some goon envy around those two.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      "…the non-plumber might have some goon envy around those two. "

      He'll probably spend all of his time asking the real the other two goobers if they want to watch him lay some pipe. Or help him lay some pipe.

    1. Tommmcatt

      Just ignore him and he'll go back to trolling Jezebel while beating off into a pair of his mother's panties.

    2. __kth__

      I was sort of thinking we need a strategy to counteract the downfisting. Because if we upfist indiscriminately, the really cutting comments may no longer rise to the top. Then the downfisters have really won.

      But I remembered that I told my friends to kill me, for real, if I ever sound like one of those Red State/ Free Republic / Hot Air dorks. So never mind.

    3. Guppy06

      Dammit, I post here for the self-esteem boost from the upfisting! Now I'll lose sleep over whether or not people really like me!

  15. edgydrifter

    I'd rather have "Lunch With The Larry;s" with Mr. Eagleburger and his associate Mr. The Cable Guy.

    1. Weenus299

      And Mr. Fortensky, and the dead guy who played Larry Tate. Oh and Larenz (close enough) Tate.

  16. Troubledog

    Seem to recall the offended AZtards launched a recall against the sheriff in Tucson, after the Giffords shooting, because he was overstepping the bounds of his office by making political statements? But Sheriff Joe can join two unemployed guys to raise money to defeat a political candidate?

    1. natoslug

      The Tucson sheriff accused Arizonians of having small cocks (or spoke out in favour of some sort of gun control, same thing), so he's obviously a commie liberal who needs to go. Arpaio Joe believes in god, guns and goons, so he's obviously a True American Hero and can do whatever he wants.

    2. kissawookiee

      for making political statements that were (a) true and therefore (b) critical of teatardation.

    1. Cicada

      I had the same thought. I suppose because it will end up in a history book someday, just like the campaigns of John Bell or Wendell Willkie.

    2. CrunchyKnee

      Because the only people that will attend are Rascal riders who were around for most of history?

    3. genxr

      They are scrambling to be part of history as the first white man to kick a black man out of the white house. My, how far we've come…

  17. Ancient_Hackery

    Hey,m wait a minute, that's not three Joe's. "Joe The Plumber" is not a plumber, and he's not a real Joe. Well, it's his middle name, but by that rule we should be calling certain events "A evening with Louise (Palin)"

    We need real, Joes, like Joe DiMaggio and Joe (Mickey) Rooney.

    1. widestanceroman

      Focus groups rejected the name 'An Evening with Three Inbred Lying Sack of Shit Losers' cuz it sounded uhleedist.

  18. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Montara, CA??? The Google tells me that's within one BMW's tank of gas from the Bay Area. Seems like the "Joe's" should be holding this event further away from Nacy Pelosi's vile influence.

    1. Jim89048

      I grew up just over on the other side of Montara Mountain. That area was heavily impacted by Japanese relocation during WWII, for freedom. Beautiful spot…

      1. Bonzos_Bed_Time

        So that means the US Americans bought all the Japanese-owned land for pennies and then built golf-courses?

  19. Tommmcatt

    What do you want to bet they all show up at a different location because Mapquest throws them into spasms of confusion?

  20. Chillwaver

    Next up, An Evening with the Ho's, featuring Michele Bachman, Sarah Palin, Ann Coulter and Michele Malkin (w/special guest the Downfisting Troll).

  21. hagajim

    An Evening with the Joe's

    An Evening with the Joe's Jokes.

    All fixed. Next thing you know they'll have an evening of face painting with Sarah and Michele.

  22. Ducksworthy

    McCarthy had to beg off. Something about his liver. But he did offer to send an AIDs infested AID.

  23. JoeBiteme

    I would do ANYTHING to go to this thing. Simply interacting with the crowd could be the most self-affirming event of my entire life…

    1. BarryOPotter

      could be the most self-affirming event of my entire life…

      "Hey, I'm OK and so are y–HOLY SHIT!!!!"

  24. PublicLuxury

    I have to go to this thing-y. My nephew dumped hamburger grease down my sister's drain…. little bastard…. and now she needs "Joe the non-Plumber". No. Drain-o did NOT work. Perhaps she can shove my nephews head down the drain and he can lick the grease off the pipes.

    Hey, you guessed it. He's been doing this for quite some time.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      HOT water. VERY hot water. And if nephewcide ensues, you will be acquitted by a jury of your peers.

  25. mumbly_ジョジョ

    The dinner boasts the highest ratio of fascism:name length in modern history, also.

  26. dox[acted]

    No panel of minds is more fitting for the Teaparty than one with a 66% unemployment rate.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      And don't worry about the one who IS employed being on the government's tit. It's only a matter of time before Jan Brewer privatizes law enforcement. I'm sure it's in the works now that the people of Pima County have made it clear they don't want to fire Sheriff Dupnik.

  27. Mort_Sinclair

    The nitwit who put together the announcement needs to spend a little time with the Three Fucking Apostrophes to learn the difference between ownership/omission and a plural. Fucking idiots. Make's me wan't to set my hai'r on fir'e.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Thatz the trouble with you commies you don't unnerstan that 1st & 4most, Punctuation is a decoration!!1!!!11

  28. WriteyWriterton

    Oh, please, please, please, please let this fail. Unfortunately, I think Arpaio draws a big crowd wherever he goes.

    1. chicken_thief

      Hell, if I lived in the area I'd show up. It'd be like the Blue Collar Comedy Tour lite.

  29. mavenmaven

    It is appropriate that these guys don't know any grammar, either. I suppose grammar is not in the constitution.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      No doubt it's not in THEIR Constitution. Much has been omitted from that document, most specifically the Bill of Rights.

  30. prommie

    Such a gathering of individuals of immense stupidity in one room hasn't been seen since George Bush tried to eat a pretzel alone.

    1. GhostBuggy

      Good point. Explain to me again why they hate him, what with all the torture and bomb-dropping he's so big on? Oh, wait, right, the skin, the skin.

        1. GhostBuggy

          Well, just talking like a cartoon alien doctor doesn't make me a cartoon alien doctor. These fancy clothes do!

  31. smokefilledroommate

    Where's the librul rebuttal, 'An Evening With Anthony Weiner, Barbara Boxer, Al Franken, Chuck Schumer, et al.'? I'd happily buy a ticket to that.

    1. SorosBot

      But those are actual influential liberals or center-leftists; the liberal equivalent would be "An evening with three angry guys with signs we've plucked off the street – here's Meat is Murder Guy, Free Mumia Guy, and Ralph Nader."

  32. Jukesgrrl

    I hope the Federal judges in the area have been informed of Joe Miller's impending arrival so they can hide from his "security" detail.

  33. YasserArraFeck

    Do you think PBS will be giving away the "Three Fuckwits" DVD during their next subscription drive?

    1. jus_wonderin

      I don't think there is a membership level that is low enough to accomodate this "gift with pledge".

  34. genxr

    Lamestream media calling them losers just because they lost. Joe Miller lost to a write in, and Joe Plumber lost McCain, and then for an encore got kicked out of Israel.

  35. sportshort

    Cool. Is it on a double bill with "No Exit" by Sartre? Cause that would, like, be a cool double bill. In hell.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      SayItWithWookies beat you both. He posted, "Hey, Joe, where you goin' with that dumb in your hands?" on page one.

  36. Jukesgrrl

    Sorry to break it to you, but Arpaio has already had an exploratory trip to New Hampshire, where he claims people are begging him to run. Apparently, they need to be saved from Canadians sneaking across the border to buy more expensive drugs.

  37. Wilcoxyz

    Add G.I. Joe, Joey Buttafuoco and Jo from Facts of Life and you got a Joe six-pack. Show me the money, Murika!

    1. kissawookiee

      Nothing makes a man a hero to the anti-superfluous-government-spending social-conservatism crowd like spending tens of thousands of dollars to USE A FUCKING TANK to take down an unarmed guy (and a hundred defenseless chickens) while a Hollywood "star" rides shotgun.

      The logic-free existence must be so refreshing.

  38. Jukesgrrl

    Isn't Montara south of San Francisco? I'm surprised these goobers are willing to go there, lest they catch the ghey. Orange County is going to be mighty angry they didn't think of this first. Maybe they'll top it with An Evening with Three Hos — then again, maybe nobody can afford Palin AND Bachmann.

  39. glamourdammerung

    The only one of the hosts that is not a loser is mostly known to normal folks for grandstanding, malfeasance, and "losing" $80,000,000+.

    Sounds like a pack of losers to me.

  40. Neoyorquino

    This Unholy Three was foretold by the prophets of old as a sign unto the end of days.

    That . . . or maybe it is when the Jetsons meet the Flintstones. My eschatology must be on the fritz.

  41. Walkinwiddaking

    The average Joe is suppose to lay out some serious cash in order to hear these three lame-assed douche bags blather? Good luck with that. Although, there will be that small contingent..

  42. berkeleyfarm

    Well, that was a first. I saw a downfisting run while it was happening earlier today. Half the comments zeroed out, so I Upfisted for Great Justice.

    I'm only hoping the Joe The Sore Loser Who Pals Around with Terrists and Faux the Plumber took this gig to try to have a nice California "spring break" by the ocean, because the north-central coast got pounded with rain today and I hear it was heading south. Hopefully it stayed over Monterey Bay for a good long while. The rain falls on the unjust as well as the just.

  43. PuckStopsHere

    I was on my way to this event but pulled my car off to the side of the road and wrote slogans on the car windows with temporary soap because, well, I don't exactly remember why.

  44. comrad_darkness

    Sam Not a Plumber is still kicking around? I guess a guy who can't grasp the idea of gross and net income and taxation basis would be considered a business expert by the tea party. I believe it. Sadly.

  45. genxr

    Not only is this just outside SF, it's not even easy to get to. Montara is where they're building the tunnel because Hwy 1 keeps collapsing. The attendees must have been the half dozen or so right wing nuts who hide in the SF sewers and spend a whole day trying to get around to the west side of Montara Mountain. In a rainstorm.

  46. aqua_buddha

    Whenever your gonna put name's on teabag poster's, alway's use lot's of apostrophe's.

    Evening With Joe's ?
    Evening of Jokes, without the funny.

  47. Angry_Expat

    "Joe's" connotes possession e.g. "Joe's opinions are ill-informed and totally retarded".
    It should read "An evening with the Joes" as "Joes" connotes a plural; e.g. "the tree Joes are all idiots, if you have no brain or want to shake your head in disbelief until you get a concussion, you should see the three Joes".

  48. Gopherit

    Yeah. Those Bart-tards seem to come over here when they get bored with their anal bondage porn.

  49. elviouslyqueer

    Oh come on now. This is even bigger than the news that Tim Pawlenty wears Spanx for Men.

Comments are closed.