worse than watergate

Newt Gingrich Rams His Love of Easter Candies Down America’s Memory Hole

Who knew his latest wife was teevee's Ally McBeal?Amoral pudgesack Newt Gingrich loves only two things: divorcing his old wives after he gives them cancer, and stuffing his albino-hamster face with Easter candies to “prove” he loves his current wife, for the time being. But now his holiday gluttony is as hidden away as the records of his many cruel divorces against his dying spouses, because Newt Gingrich deleted all his old Twitter posts. It’s really no surprise, because Newt Gingrich is exactly the kind of self-obsessed slob who would document his joy in slobbering all over Reese’s peanut-butter Easter Eggs on a day when real Christians are solemnly marking the death of Jesus — and he’s exactly the kind of lying fraud who would spend hours going through his old Twitter posts to delete all the ones that don’t look very “presidential candidate-ish,” because they are openly racist or speak of anal sex with sea pirates as a “punishment” or, apparently, because they reveal the Newt’s childish glee over some bunny-shaped sweets from the Walgreen’s.

Former Wonkette editor Juli Weiner reports for Vanity Fair on her discovery of these missing tweets that were first noted by Wonkette (whut?):

These tweets and all others composed before July 22, 2010 are unable to be found. According to Twitter, Gingrich has written more than 2,300 tweets, but just a small portion of the sum total are currently available on his feed. Additionally, permalinks to many earlier tweets are broken. It also does not appear to be a normal Twitter thing: tweets from Senator Chuck Grassley (R-IO) and Meghan McCain (“R”-Daily Beast), for instance, are still around from two years ago.

HaHa, “R”-Daily Beast.

Anyway, if America’s Republicans needed any more evidence that LOLcat-headed fartbag Newt Gingrich is not an acceptable true American who loves Jesus, his sneakily callous removal of these snide, mocking tweets about Jesus’ birthday, Easter, should be enough to send the foul frogneck to the back of the GOP line. [VF Daily]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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  • nounverb911

    Newt's looking for either a new sponsor or a new wife.

  • OkieDokieDog

    I pictured him as a PEEPS kinda guy – rolling around on his sticky sheets and humping all the brightly colored marshmallowy chickens and bunnehs, trying to get a resurrection out his lil Newtie thingy.

    ewww

    • nounverb911

      Does Newt like to bite their heads off?

    • DaRooster

      Do they have marshmallow ducks?

      • KeepFnThatChicken

        I read this as "marshmallow dicks," and thought "Newt oughta quit eatin' them things, or else he won't find a new wife with that squishy white tadger."

        • DaRooster

          He is a marshmallow dick.

  • PalinPussyPower

    Does she crush up Viagra and put them in his Reese's cups?

    • OkieDokieDog

      Ugh. I'd be crushing up something to knock his dumb ugly ass out for a few days.

    • Not_So_Much

      No, salt peter, but he still keeps oozing Jabba-like over to her side of what must be a multi-acre, steel-reinforced sleep chamber.

      • PalinPussyPower

        Youse guys are harsh. He's not smart, witty, funny, or particularly good looking, he's not in office anymore, and he's not that rich, so it's entirely possible that his dick is glorious. Let's give Newt the benefit of the doubt here.

        • BornInATrailer

          "cocoa bean… peanut butter covered cement"

        • __kth__

          I imagine he's fairly wealthy by the standards of 40-something aspiring trophy wives, and moreover enough of a bullshit artist to persuade them that they are going to be First Lady of the Yewnited States. My hypothesis is silent on the subject of his penis size.

  • DaRooster

    "…it is good too…"

    Like he only had 1.

  • Gopherit

    Being such a good catholic, I wonder what Newt gave up for lent? It's supposed to be something he likes, and he's still being a sanctimonious hypocrite, so that's not it. Maybe blowjobs?

    • mog253

      wives?

      • Gopherit

        Nah, they're like M&Ms to Newt. Once one gets cancer you have to eat another. Callista has been looking a little ragged recently…

    • neiltheblaze

      I wonder which one of his marriages the Catholic Church recognizes.

  • freakishlywrong

    Here's a suggestion Newtie. Don't twat hateful embarrassing shit and you won't have to go scrambling around looking like the asshole that you are to disappear it. Here's another suggestion Newtie: Go fuck off.

  • jus_wonderin

    His face takes me back to the farm. Either it is the evening when I would slop Arnold or when I walked behind Nellie the plow mare all those spring days.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are a perfect analogy to Newty Toot's political philosophy. On the surface, it seems like a good idea to merge chocolate with peanut butter much like Newty Toot's merger of teadickbagginess of low taxes/small gubbiment with Jeebus but after eating that for a long time you end up killing an important piece of your body/society (pancreas/gubbiment) due to ingesting all that corn syrupy "goodness" and get disgustingly bloated.*

    *Yes, I like Reese's peanut butter cups

  • mog253

    And I used to love Reese's *sigh*

  • DownFist Troll

    Call me when he gets divorced again.

    • BarryOPotter

      Ring! Ring! (In 3,… 2,…)

  • Badonkadonkette

    Will the real Fat Shady please stand up?

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      How can you tell? I figured that Newty Toot gets the cancer free blow job giving wife to move his ass around on a platform like Jabba the Hutt.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Obama don't gotta be racist to win elections;
      well I do, so fuck him and fuck you too!
      You think I give a damn about Bammy?
      Libtards and Bolshies would vote a ham-sammy before me!
      "But Newt, what if you win, wouldn't it be weird?"
      Why? So you guys can take it in the rear?
      So I can be nasty to Soto-my-ear?
      Shit, Elena Kagan better switch me chairs
      so I can sit next to our boy Clarence Thomas
      and hear him argue over who gave Scalia head first
      You bitches put me on blast on MSNBC
      "Yeah, he's puke, and he cheated with Callista, hee-hee!"
      I should upload a jpeg of C's flyin' V
      and show the world how I take marriage seriously
      I'm sick of you little Rachel Maddow groupies, all you do is annoy me
      so I have been sent here to destroy you
      And there's a million of us just like me
      who cuss like me; who just don't give a fuck like me
      who vote like me; walk, talk and act like me
      and I just might be the next POTUS like me!

      Cause I'm Fat Shady, yes I'm the real Shady
      All you Barbours and Christies are just imitating
      So won't the real Fat Shady please stand up,
      please rub gut, please fuck slut?

      • ShaveTheWhales

        This almost brought a tear to my eye.

  • LabRodent

    As I get older I thought my taste for beating the shit out of assholes would wane. Thanks Newt you bring out best in everyone.

  • SmutBoffin

    And I thought his pro-candy position would really resonate with the voters.

    NEWT Y U NO RUN FOR PRESIDENT OF CANDYLAND?

  • PalinPussyPower

    I wonder if Callista and Ginny Thomas call eachother in the middle of the night and cry.

    • freakishlywrong

      Or demand apologies.

  • Gleem_McShineys

    Tongue punching the peanutbutter box

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    As divorce-happy as the Neuter is, are we really surprised that he has tossed his old twats with nary a care? Thanks Ken for screen capturing some of the better ones from back in the day.

  • DashboardBuddha

    It's Easter already?

    "Mummy…I woke and found Lincoln logs in me sock drawer"

    "That's the Story of Jesus!"

  • harry_palmer

    If you're a Republican (and especially a Republican historian) you're kind f forced to pretend that there are big parts of the past that never happened.

    • http://protoplasm.wordpress.com Hipple, Rev. Paul T.

      The only past that matters is the Birthday of Baby Jesus and the Deathday of Baby Jesus. All other past is irrelevant. Except for the HehasRisen!day of Baby Jesus.

  • __kth__

    'Callista' kinda slant rhymes with 'colostomy', which Gingrich will probably have any year now from all the anus burgers and rhesus cups.

    • Weenus299

      Cunnilista, also too.

  • DahBoner

    Newt, we have a message from one of your former wives:

    "RIGHT NOW I'M IN THE HOSPITAL, CALL ME WITH THE HOSPITAL TELEPHONE NUMBER +447035919446) PLEASE, IF YOU CALL, TELL THE HOSPITAL ATTENDANCE THAT YOU WANT TO SPEAK WITH MRS.LISA, THEY WILL BRING THE PHONE TO MY BED. I'M IN FEMALE WARD 4 (Room 25) My Doctor told me that I have only five months to live due to cancer problem. .."

  • Jim89048

    We don't need his old twats. Pretty much the only thing you need to refudiate what newt said today is a youtube video of what he said yesterday.

  • baconzgood

    Now if he can only delete his government shut down when this country was at it's most PROSPEROUS in the last 40 years……

  • SayItWithWookies

    Newt's gonna have to erase a shitload more history if he doesn't want people to remember what a hateful dumbass he is.

  • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

    Oh, my God, you are right! He does look like a hamster! Or at least, like a hamster ball sack.

  • pinkocommi

    We all know that Newt is not a man of principles, which means that he'd make a perfect Republitard presidential candidate.

  • Extemporanus

    Every time you masturbate, Newt kills a tweet.

    FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP!

  • hagajim

    If there is any justice in the world Newt will get anus cancer and his wife will leave him for a big black man who likes the Hershey (highway)….also.

  • Slim_Pickins

    I was late to yesterday's Newt show, so here is my slightly off topic offering:

    Why not rename the flip-flop, the "full Newt"?

    Also, to extend the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups = Newt's political philosophy analogy further. RPBCs are slightly rancid by the time they are consumed. People (Walmart shoppers) prefer them that way for some reason.

    • neiltheblaze

      Because one of his rivals is going to be Mitt Romney – and beating Mittens at the ol' flip-flop moves is a very ambitious undertaking. If they make it a blood sport, I'm there.

      • Slim_Pickins

        But a full Newt is only a half Mitt.

  • owhatever

    Most people chomp the ears off the chocolate bunny first. Newt ate the cottony tail first, then noticed the bunny was all, like, marshmallowy inside and soft and squishy when he decided to slide his manhood in. It made him feel all patriotic and Callista saw him and wept, fearing divorce.

  • DashboardBuddha

    Oh god….I just thought of Newt slipping his Butterfinger over Calista's Mounds.

    • jus_wonderin

      I just poured Drano in both my ear holes. And in a few minutes I plan to wash out my eye holes with anything I find in the garage cabinets.

      • DashboardBuddha

        hmmm, either downfistertroll is back, or that was more offensive than I thought.

        • Oblios_Cap

          it wasn't that offensive. A little gross, maybe.

  • 738838

    He is doin' it for the money.

  • Oblios_Cap

    If it's being rammed down the our memory hole, then it means we'll mercifully soon have forgotten it.

    What?

  • fartknocker

    Ken,

    "Newt Gingrich is a Amoral Pudgesack." That should be on t-shirts and bumper stickers.

  • Troubledog

    Truthfully, I thought those informal awkwardly composed tweets he sent last Easter were touching, genuine, and sincere. I remember being taken aback. It was the only time I ever thought of him as a real person with feelings and needs.

  • BklynIlluminati

    Strangely the whole interwebs is 2% smarter…..

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

      Watson will do significantly better on its next Jeopardy! appearance.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Anal Sex With Sea Pirates

    Band name?
    ~

  • Jim89048

    I've said it before. Reese's used to be made in Hershey, but are now made in Mexico. Why does newt hate USAmerican workers?

  • DaSandman

    So Callista an amoral tramp too, right? Yet redeemed by Jeebus's sweet sacrifice on the Cross (TM) and the usual Repug blinders.

    But considering the Fat Man record on gimpy wives, Callista's self breast exams must be fraught with anxiety… Serves her right.

  • fuflans

    jesus christ!! palin, bachmann, grassely, newt and angle before noon on the west coast???

  • Dudleydidwrong

    I just picture little Newtie going from door to door with his little Easter basket with its green plastic grass, and saying "Trick or treat."

  • CapnFatback

    You do know why they're missing, don't you?

    First he tweets 'em; then he eats 'em.

  • SnarkoMarx

    I can picture Newt with Rhesus Feces smeared all over his fat, white, grinning face.

  • MozakiBlocks

    Newt Gingrich Rams and Hole

    Four words that should never, ever appear in the same sentence regardless of the topic.

    • baconzgood

      Unless it has prison somewhere in there.

      • MozakiBlocks

        Ah good point.

        I'll upfist you just to annoy our friendly afternoon troll.

  • Chillwaver

    I just deleted all my low scoring comments. Thanks for the tip, Newt!

    • Camaro Nova

      Yes, but your pness just got bigger because of it. I don't think twitter can do that for you …

  • PublicLuxury

    The pasty little bastard fucked the Easter Bunny too. Or was that the playboy bunny? I can't remember. I know it was sleazy and involved an animal of some kind.

  • TanzbodenKoenig

    So wait is Newt really actually going to run this time? Has he deluded himself into believing his own bloviating bullshit and forsaken his life of shiftless grifting and rube-bilking?

  • TanzbodenKoenig

    Apparently the Downfister is a big fan of Newt ramming shit down his throat because he is fisting a fury.

  • The_Great_Gazoo

    Newt should leave Reese Witherspoon's peanut butter cups alone. Her eggs, too. Dirty old man.

  • Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    Callista got me a Resse's peanut butter egg…

    Congrats on finally getting some anal, Newt!

    This must be your bestest Easter ever!

    And what a great way to honor our Saviour!

  • neiltheblaze

    Newt would run if his tummy didn't jiggle so much. It doesn't look presidential – unless you're William Howard Taft.

  • Guppy06

    I believe the kids call this "delete fucking everything."

    Also: I didn't know Grassley was from a Jovian moon.

  • nycging

    Now Newtie can't be preznit… doesn't he know Hershey's (Reese's) is anti-Merkin? The have been sending mucho jobs to their Mexican facilities for years.
    http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=56133371819

  • ironhead77

    mmm… Reese's OxyContin cups… yummy!

  • ironhead77

    Have some compassion people…

    Just imagine the agony of going through life being called "Newt."

  • ttommyunger

    Considering Newt can't seem to shut his piehole, it's a little silly to try to clean up his history. He is constantly saying the most absurd and self-serviing shit. There is no eraser in the world big enough to make this turd seem Presidential; and considering how much Dubya lowered the bar, that is saying something, indeed.