WORSE THAN WATERGATE  1:46 pm March 24, 2011

Newt Gingrich Rams His Love of Easter Candies Down America’s Memory Hole

by Ken Layne

Who knew his latest wife was teevee's Ally McBeal?Amoral pudgesack Newt Gingrich loves only two things: divorcing his old wives after he gives them cancer, and stuffing his albino-hamster face with Easter candies to “prove” he loves his current wife, for the time being. But now his holiday gluttony is as hidden away as the records of his many cruel divorces against his dying spouses, because Newt Gingrich deleted all his old Twitter posts. It’s really no surprise, because Newt Gingrich is exactly the kind of self-obsessed slob who would document his joy in slobbering all over Reese’s peanut-butter Easter Eggs on a day when real Christians are solemnly marking the death of Jesus — and he’s exactly the kind of lying fraud who would spend hours going through his old Twitter posts to delete all the ones that don’t look very “presidential candidate-ish,” because they are openly racist or speak of anal sex with sea pirates as a “punishment” or, apparently, because they reveal the Newt’s childish glee over some bunny-shaped sweets from the Walgreen’s.

Former Wonkette editor Juli Weiner reports for Vanity Fair on her discovery of these missing tweets that were first noted by Wonkette (whut?):

These tweets and all others composed before July 22, 2010 are unable to be found. According to Twitter, Gingrich has written more than 2,300 tweets, but just a small portion of the sum total are currently available on his feed. Additionally, permalinks to many earlier tweets are broken. It also does not appear to be a normal Twitter thing: tweets from Senator Chuck Grassley (R-IO) and Meghan McCain (“R”-Daily Beast), for instance, are still around from two years ago.

HaHa, “R”-Daily Beast.

Anyway, if America’s Republicans needed any more evidence that LOLcat-headed fartbag Newt Gingrich is not an acceptable true American who loves Jesus, his sneakily callous removal of these snide, mocking tweets about Jesus’ birthday, Easter, should be enough to send the foul frogneck to the back of the GOP line. [VF Daily]


Hola wonkerados.

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nounverb911 March 24, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Newt's looking for either a new sponsor or a new wife.

OkieDokieDog March 24, 2011 at 1:52 pm

I pictured him as a PEEPS kinda guy – rolling around on his sticky sheets and humping all the brightly colored marshmallowy chickens and bunnehs, trying to get a resurrection out his lil Newtie thingy.


nounverb911 March 24, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Does Newt like to bite their heads off?

DaRooster March 24, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Do they have marshmallow ducks?

KeepFnThatChicken March 24, 2011 at 2:37 pm

I read this as "marshmallow dicks," and thought "Newt oughta quit eatin' them things, or else he won't find a new wife with that squishy white tadger."

DaRooster March 25, 2011 at 3:20 pm

He is a marshmallow dick.

PalinPussyPower March 24, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Does she crush up Viagra and put them in his Reese's cups?

OkieDokieDog March 24, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Ugh. I'd be crushing up something to knock his dumb ugly ass out for a few days.

Not_So_Much March 24, 2011 at 2:04 pm

No, salt peter, but he still keeps oozing Jabba-like over to her side of what must be a multi-acre, steel-reinforced sleep chamber.

PalinPussyPower March 24, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Youse guys are harsh. He's not smart, witty, funny, or particularly good looking, he's not in office anymore, and he's not that rich, so it's entirely possible that his dick is glorious. Let's give Newt the benefit of the doubt here.

BornInATrailer March 24, 2011 at 2:26 pm

"cocoa bean… peanut butter covered cement"

__kth__ March 24, 2011 at 2:34 pm

I imagine he's fairly wealthy by the standards of 40-something aspiring trophy wives, and moreover enough of a bullshit artist to persuade them that they are going to be First Lady of the Yewnited States. My hypothesis is silent on the subject of his penis size.

DaRooster March 24, 2011 at 1:53 pm

"…it is good too…"

Like he only had 1.

Gopherit March 24, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Being such a good catholic, I wonder what Newt gave up for lent? It's supposed to be something he likes, and he's still being a sanctimonious hypocrite, so that's not it. Maybe blowjobs?

mog253 March 24, 2011 at 1:57 pm


Gopherit March 24, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Nah, they're like M&Ms to Newt. Once one gets cancer you have to eat another. Callista has been looking a little ragged recently…

neiltheblaze March 24, 2011 at 3:47 pm

I wonder which one of his marriages the Catholic Church recognizes.

freakishlywrong March 24, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Here's a suggestion Newtie. Don't twat hateful embarrassing shit and you won't have to go scrambling around looking like the asshole that you are to disappear it. Here's another suggestion Newtie: Go fuck off.

jus_wonderin March 24, 2011 at 1:57 pm

His face takes me back to the farm. Either it is the evening when I would slop Arnold or when I walked behind Nellie the plow mare all those spring days.

ManchuCandidate March 24, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are a perfect analogy to Newty Toot's political philosophy. On the surface, it seems like a good idea to merge chocolate with peanut butter much like Newty Toot's merger of teadickbagginess of low taxes/small gubbiment with Jeebus but after eating that for a long time you end up killing an important piece of your body/society (pancreas/gubbiment) due to ingesting all that corn syrupy "goodness" and get disgustingly bloated.*

*Yes, I like Reese's peanut butter cups

mog253 March 24, 2011 at 1:57 pm

And I used to love Reese's *sigh*

DownFist Troll March 24, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Call me when he gets divorced again.

BarryOPotter March 24, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Ring! Ring! (In 3,… 2,…)

Badonkadonkette March 24, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Will the real Fat Shady please stand up?

ManchuCandidate March 24, 2011 at 2:10 pm

How can you tell? I figured that Newty Toot gets the cancer free blow job giving wife to move his ass around on a platform like Jabba the Hutt.

Chet Kincaid March 24, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Obama don't gotta be racist to win elections;
well I do, so fuck him and fuck you too!
You think I give a damn about Bammy?
Libtards and Bolshies would vote a ham-sammy before me!
"But Newt, what if you win, wouldn't it be weird?"
Why? So you guys can take it in the rear?
So I can be nasty to Soto-my-ear?
Shit, Elena Kagan better switch me chairs
so I can sit next to our boy Clarence Thomas
and hear him argue over who gave Scalia head first
You bitches put me on blast on MSNBC
"Yeah, he's puke, and he cheated with Callista, hee-hee!"
I should upload a jpeg of C's flyin' V
and show the world how I take marriage seriously
I'm sick of you little Rachel Maddow groupies, all you do is annoy me
so I have been sent here to destroy you
And there's a million of us just like me
who cuss like me; who just don't give a fuck like me
who vote like me; walk, talk and act like me
and I just might be the next POTUS like me!

Cause I'm Fat Shady, yes I'm the real Shady
All you Barbours and Christies are just imitating
So won't the real Fat Shady please stand up,
please rub gut, please fuck slut?

ShaveTheWhales March 24, 2011 at 11:40 pm

This almost brought a tear to my eye.

LabRodent March 24, 2011 at 2:00 pm

As I get older I thought my taste for beating the shit out of assholes would wane. Thanks Newt you bring out best in everyone.

SmutBoffin March 24, 2011 at 2:00 pm

And I thought his pro-candy position would really resonate with the voters.


PalinPussyPower March 24, 2011 at 2:01 pm

I wonder if Callista and Ginny Thomas call eachother in the middle of the night and cry.

freakishlywrong March 24, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Or demand apologies.

Gleem_McShineys March 24, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Tongue punching the peanutbutter box

weejee March 24, 2011 at 2:03 pm

As divorce-happy as the Neuter is, are we really surprised that he has tossed his old twats with nary a care? Thanks Ken for screen capturing some of the better ones from back in the day.

DashboardBuddha March 24, 2011 at 2:04 pm

It's Easter already?

"Mummy…I woke and found Lincoln logs in me sock drawer"

"That's the Story of Jesus!"

harry_palmer March 24, 2011 at 2:05 pm

If you're a Republican (and especially a Republican historian) you're kind f forced to pretend that there are big parts of the past that never happened.

Hipple, Rev. Paul T. March 24, 2011 at 4:12 pm

The only past that matters is the Birthday of Baby Jesus and the Deathday of Baby Jesus. All other past is irrelevant. Except for the HehasRisen!day of Baby Jesus.

__kth__ March 24, 2011 at 2:05 pm

'Callista' kinda slant rhymes with 'colostomy', which Gingrich will probably have any year now from all the anus burgers and rhesus cups.

Weenus299 March 24, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Cunnilista, also too.

DahBoner March 24, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Newt, we have a message from one of your former wives:


Jim89048 March 24, 2011 at 2:09 pm

We don't need his old twats. Pretty much the only thing you need to refudiate what newt said today is a youtube video of what he said yesterday.

baconzgood March 24, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Now if he can only delete his government shut down when this country was at it's most PROSPEROUS in the last 40 years……

SayItWithWookies March 24, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Newt's gonna have to erase a shitload more history if he doesn't want people to remember what a hateful dumbass he is.

outragedcitizen March 24, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Oh, my God, you are right! He does look like a hamster! Or at least, like a hamster ball sack.

pinkocommi March 24, 2011 at 2:11 pm

We all know that Newt is not a man of principles, which means that he'd make a perfect Republitard presidential candidate.

Extemporanus March 24, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Every time you masturbate, Newt kills a tweet.


hagajim March 24, 2011 at 2:12 pm

If there is any justice in the world Newt will get anus cancer and his wife will leave him for a big black man who likes the Hershey (highway)….also.

Slim_Pickins March 24, 2011 at 2:15 pm

I was late to yesterday's Newt show, so here is my slightly off topic offering:

Why not rename the flip-flop, the "full Newt"?

Also, to extend the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups = Newt's political philosophy analogy further. RPBCs are slightly rancid by the time they are consumed. People (Walmart shoppers) prefer them that way for some reason.

neiltheblaze March 24, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Because one of his rivals is going to be Mitt Romney – and beating Mittens at the ol' flip-flop moves is a very ambitious undertaking. If they make it a blood sport, I'm there.

Slim_Pickins March 24, 2011 at 4:59 pm

But a full Newt is only a half Mitt.

owhatever March 24, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Most people chomp the ears off the chocolate bunny first. Newt ate the cottony tail first, then noticed the bunny was all, like, marshmallowy inside and soft and squishy when he decided to slide his manhood in. It made him feel all patriotic and Callista saw him and wept, fearing divorce.

DashboardBuddha March 24, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Oh god….I just thought of Newt slipping his Butterfinger over Calista's Mounds.

jus_wonderin March 24, 2011 at 2:24 pm

I just poured Drano in both my ear holes. And in a few minutes I plan to wash out my eye holes with anything I find in the garage cabinets.

DashboardBuddha March 24, 2011 at 2:26 pm

hmmm, either downfistertroll is back, or that was more offensive than I thought.

Oblios_Cap March 24, 2011 at 2:29 pm

it wasn't that offensive. A little gross, maybe.

738838 March 24, 2011 at 2:20 pm

He is doin' it for the money.

Oblios_Cap March 24, 2011 at 2:22 pm

If it's being rammed down the our memory hole, then it means we'll mercifully soon have forgotten it.


fartknocker March 24, 2011 at 2:24 pm


"Newt Gingrich is a Amoral Pudgesack." That should be on t-shirts and bumper stickers.

Troubledog March 24, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Truthfully, I thought those informal awkwardly composed tweets he sent last Easter were touching, genuine, and sincere. I remember being taken aback. It was the only time I ever thought of him as a real person with feelings and needs.

BklynIlluminati March 24, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Strangely the whole interwebs is 2% smarter…..

deanbooth March 24, 2011 at 7:14 pm

Watson will do significantly better on its next Jeopardy! appearance.

ifthethunderdontgetya March 24, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Anal Sex With Sea Pirates

Band name?

Jim89048 March 24, 2011 at 2:32 pm

I've said it before. Reese's used to be made in Hershey, but are now made in Mexico. Why does newt hate USAmerican workers?

DaSandman March 24, 2011 at 2:35 pm

So Callista an amoral tramp too, right? Yet redeemed by Jeebus's sweet sacrifice on the Cross (TM) and the usual Repug blinders.

But considering the Fat Man record on gimpy wives, Callista's self breast exams must be fraught with anxiety… Serves her right.

fuflans March 24, 2011 at 2:37 pm

jesus christ!! palin, bachmann, grassely, newt and angle before noon on the west coast???

Dudleydidwrong March 24, 2011 at 2:37 pm

I just picture little Newtie going from door to door with his little Easter basket with its green plastic grass, and saying "Trick or treat."

CapnFatback March 24, 2011 at 2:38 pm

You do know why they're missing, don't you?

First he tweets 'em; then he eats 'em.

SnarkoMarx March 24, 2011 at 2:38 pm

I can picture Newt with Rhesus Feces smeared all over his fat, white, grinning face.

MozakiBlocks March 24, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Newt Gingrich Rams and Hole

Four words that should never, ever appear in the same sentence regardless of the topic.

baconzgood March 24, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Unless it has prison somewhere in there.

MozakiBlocks March 24, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Ah good point.

I'll upfist you just to annoy our friendly afternoon troll.

Chillwaver March 24, 2011 at 2:47 pm

I just deleted all my low scoring comments. Thanks for the tip, Newt!

Camaro Nova March 25, 2011 at 8:27 am

Yes, but your pness just got bigger because of it. I don't think twitter can do that for you …

PublicLuxury March 24, 2011 at 3:00 pm

The pasty little bastard fucked the Easter Bunny too. Or was that the playboy bunny? I can't remember. I know it was sleazy and involved an animal of some kind.

TanzbodenKoenig March 24, 2011 at 3:00 pm

So wait is Newt really actually going to run this time? Has he deluded himself into believing his own bloviating bullshit and forsaken his life of shiftless grifting and rube-bilking?

TanzbodenKoenig March 24, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Apparently the Downfister is a big fan of Newt ramming shit down his throat because he is fisting a fury.

The_Great_Gazoo March 24, 2011 at 3:04 pm

Newt should leave Reese Witherspoon's peanut butter cups alone. Her eggs, too. Dirty old man.

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum March 24, 2011 at 3:23 pm

Callista got me a Resse's peanut butter egg…

Congrats on finally getting some anal, Newt!

This must be your bestest Easter ever!

And what a great way to honor our Saviour!

neiltheblaze March 24, 2011 at 3:37 pm

Newt would run if his tummy didn't jiggle so much. It doesn't look presidential – unless you're William Howard Taft.

Guppy06 March 24, 2011 at 3:39 pm

I believe the kids call this "delete fucking everything."

Also: I didn't know Grassley was from a Jovian moon.

nycging March 24, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Now Newtie can't be preznit… doesn't he know Hershey's (Reese's) is anti-Merkin? The have been sending mucho jobs to their Mexican facilities for years.

ironhead77 March 24, 2011 at 3:58 pm

mmm… Reese's OxyContin cups… yummy!

ironhead77 March 24, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Have some compassion people…

Just imagine the agony of going through life being called "Newt."

ttommyunger March 25, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Considering Newt can't seem to shut his piehole, it's a little silly to try to clean up his history. He is constantly saying the most absurd and self-serviing shit. There is no eraser in the world big enough to make this turd seem Presidential; and considering how much Dubya lowered the bar, that is saying something, indeed.

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