the preteen senator

Chuck Grassley Tells Us All To ‘Quit Complaining’ About His Twitter

Thursday is the day before Friday, unfortunately.
Oh no. This is like an effeminite kid telling YouTube not to call him gay. Look what everybody did on Twitter! We upset Chuck Grassley. No, the Twitter character limit is not 120, it’s 140. And no, it’s not explained why Grassley needs to shorten the word “about” here when his message is less than 100 characters, or why he feels the need to capitalize “but,” or why he doesn’t use any punctuation. Old man Grassley was using proper English when your parents hadn’t even been born yet, so LAY OFF.

And really, it’s not like his tweets are that bad. Let’s just take a look at two of his most recent ones!

Put this in the English textbooks. It's perfect.
See, there are like four whole words here you can understand — “of,” “at,” “I,” and “really.” That’s all you need, right? Don’t be such a dirktor, you guys.

This was in the Globe Theater.
This one makes sense too, when you think about it. A pathetic 14 Iowans came to see Grassley speak about the importance of migrating ethanol debt into wetlands that educate endangered animals about Libya. Only 14? That sounds pretty exciting.

You children on the Internet should stop cyber-bullying this poor grandpa. He just wants to inform you of the current scores of women’s college basketball games he’s attending! LEAVE GRASSLEY ALONE! [Twitter]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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81 comments

  1. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Is someone going to Explain the whole proper noun Capitalization thingie to him At some point?

  2. Troubledog

    Be warning of conc for #soybeans of 1ST Will march of people and Debt 4 #assisting ppl Grt time w/them!

  3. Moonbatting Average

    Is Trig Palin Grassley's Twitter intern? Or does he have Megan Fox thumbs and can't type on his Blackberry correctly? The world wants answers!

  4. SorosBot

    Well at least "Debt Wetland mitigation Libya Education this was in Emmetsburg" all Uses full, real Words, if Inconstantly capitalized for No apparent Reason; they're just put together in a way that makes absolutely no sense.

  5. nounverb911

    Old shorthand class sign from the NYC subway:
    "if u cn rd ths u cn gt a hi pyn jb 2."

    Obviously Grassley failed.

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      On a related note, The Snowgrifter just made some defensive Twat about attacking the LSM (LameStream Media, but I prefer to translate to "Lying Spaghetti Monster") and how they are characterizing her. Apparently she's under attack again.

  6. Troubledog

    Mtg w/o atten of locl #economy SmBiz to incl All #subsidy IA biofuel farmers summit WE SPRT IA troops #GoodJob!

  7. MissTaken

    This is why Sarah's T will hold up as genius literature for generations to come. And you can't refudiate that.

    1. jus_wonderin

      "Young Cemil, have you taken care to unseal the Palin Text in the clean chamber? And, have you prepared the glass with cleaning agents so those that view the text will see it in all it's simply glory? Do take care to stay inside the chamber. But take note of the gasps of amazement as they view the Sacred T."

  8. Conflabberdaddled

    Chuck Whine-o-saurus Grassley: Proof that if a twitter never wins, then a whiner never quits

  9. harry_palmer

    He twats like a 21st century man, but he still capitalizes random words like they did in the 18th century, when he went to school.

  10. Crank_Tango

    Also, isn't Xtra delite a massage parlour term? or is it a plus-size stripper? or a tranny prostitute? Prolly all 3 knowing this guy.

  11. WhatTheHeck

    I’ll know he’s mastered the Twitters when I see an entry from him which reads:
    “cme4d8.”

  12. baconzgood

    "Thow hast impuned my twitterest honnor. Knowest that I Refudiate thine heinous jibes regaring my twat. And thoes that due shall feel my rath."

    -Chuck Grassley-

    1. Not_So_Much

      He's a republican, so I'm glad you didn't limit the gender of the aforementioned 14 year-old…

  13. el_donaldo

    I get the impression that he enjoys toes? And shares this and a wetsuit fetish with indebted Libyans? Something like that. To get any clearer I guess I'll have to go run some things through Urban Dictionary.

  14. johnnymeatworth

    Well, Sarah Palin's "No More Whining About Media" Farewell Tour is going to need an opening act….

  15. Texan_Bulldog

    Shame on all you hoity toity liberals with all your fancy book learning & demanding people know how to properly spell, punctuate and capitalize. It's Twitter's fault that America is so dumb, you bunch of damn Socialists!

  16. cheaphits

    ɐı ʎǝuɹnoƃıs ɹɐʍ ʎ6 ɐʎqıl 01oƃ4 sɐɥ ǝɥ ʇsǝq ʇ sʇı ɯıɥ ǝʌıƃ4

    And come on…he was in Emmetsburg – Anyone would be excited!
    It's the entertainment hub of Palo Alto county. Home of a privately owned collection of dolls located in downtown Emmetsburg, and is impressive in its number and variety of sizes, ages, and types. (of dolls, I guess…but maybe people?) Open by special appointment only. and there's more –

    Everything up to date in Emmetsburg, Little House on the Prairie is located off of Highway 18 behind Subway. This privately owned and built reproduction of the house seen in the TV program . Be still my beating heart!

    The Grotto of the Redemption is located about 25 miles southeast of Emmetsburg at West Bend. The Grotto represents the largest collection of minerals and petrifaction concentrated in any one spot in the world. The Grotto, built in nine sections, represents in stone the story of the life of Christ.. The petrifaction of Jebus – Chuck was psyched, so cut him a break.

  17. __kth__

    Silly, he knows it's 140! 120 is his abbreviation for 140. It's 20 less than 140, so that frees up 20 more characters!

  18. Extemporanus

    Don't think of Senator Senile's (R-Front Lawn) cyber shout-outs as incomprehensible tweets — think of them as incomprehensible "Wheel of Fortune" puzzles, and spin again.

    "id lke 2 mov A vowl Im consonapatd loljk"

  19. Ugh

    I'll cop to using "abt" in task lists, when taking notes, and stuff like that- okay, I use it WHEN NECESSARY on Twitter to make the limit- but there's a big fucking difference between that and the incomprehensible gibberish Granpa Cornpants is using.

    I don't understand what it is about the olds- people I know who are my parents age and use IM are often the ones who do this. Everyone in my age cohort (mostly tries) to spell correctly and not use abbreviations cooked up by a Justin Beiber fangirl on LSD.

  20. DaSandman

    Ok fair enough. Why don't we blame you for being a repulsive old recationary asshat instead?

  21. widestanceroman

    Has it occurred to Capt. Asshat that a character-limited media might not be appropriate for entire press releases, but rather for short missives, like 'OMG I am sofa king retarded'?

    And for the record, I am not complaining. I am flat out mocking the hell out of his dumb ass for my own personal gain.

  22. DahBoner

    There was a box:

    Upon forcing the boxes open, we discovered several guns, amour and some boxes amongst which two contained bullets, one filled with
    harddrugs(heroine)and the other two to my amazement contained some US Dollars which amounted to $23.5M after I and two of the soldiers counted them for about3 hours. I believe the boxes if not owned are linked to the Al Qaeda and Ayman al-Zawahiri.
    http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/2988455.st

    I however instructed them to keep this in high secrecy so that we can have the money to our selves, they all agreed to the plan and we were going to get the money out of the country but first we had to hide the money in some safe and untraceable location. This made me toconsult with a friend in our force who went with me and the two other officers to secretly keep the boxes in a safer place after which we handed over the drugs and the weaponry to our superiors.

    I am now in desperate need of a Reliable and Trustworthy person like you who would receive, secure and protect these boxes containing the US Dollars forme up on till my assignment elapses here.We cannot afford to leave the boxes here in Iraq for any reason since Iraq is getting unsafe and dangerous everyday….

  23. dox[acted]

    Grassley's struggle with Twitter has way more to do with mental limits than character limits.

  24. CapnFatback

    Grassley says he knows how to spell-butt? I may be wrong, but I believe that this is Twitter speak for "I'm into ass play."

  25. BarackMyWorld

    My twitter is going to be devoted to complaining about his complaining about my complaining.

    So there!

    ———–

    edit: And the serial downfisters be back. I'm giving a retaliatory thumbs up to everyone on this thread. Boo-yah!

  26. ironhead77

    I don't "tweet."

    Personally, I find it offensive. It's an attack against language, among other things.

    1. natoslug

      I have a twitter account, but have yet been able to bring myself to use it. It's sort of like the condom I used to carry in my wallet — useless, unused and a vain attempt to show that I am cool. And probably just as likely to guarantee that I'll get laid.

  27. ultraducharme

    120 characters: That reminds me of when a Brit told me that while "Americans weren't very good in geography" (true dat), he knew "all about my 52 states."

    CARD DECK, DUCHBAGG

  28. ttommyunger

    Hahahaha! The joke is on us! Don't need to be able to spell, count or govern, so long as he can suck that sweet, sweet, rock-hard Koch.

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