Bachmann Going To Officially Run For President As Soon As They Make Her

  corn maze

History.By this point, the Republicans who are going to run for president all have to know they’re doing it, right? It’s not like any of these people have to “talk it over with their family”; nobody’s going to let expendable things like a spouse or children get in the way of their rightful place on the big stage before a roaring sitting ovation of adoring old Teabaggers on scooters. According to CNN, Michele Bachmann is planning on filing her exploratory committee in June, though she will get that set up earlier if it’s a requirement for her to enter debates. We can all breathe a sigh of relief — Michele Bachmann is running for president, and she’s bringing her into-the-distance banshee death glare to the speakey contests.

But if she knows she’s running now, why wait till June? Bachmann is traveling around these early primary states like a common floozy right now, even though she has yet to put on her white dress and make the commitment before God and the community to run for president. Campaigning is only safe and proper within the bounds of an official presidential run. She should abstain from it and save her purity while she still can. Campaigning is a special thing, and waiting until you’ve filed the papers and can share it with a devoted electorate is the greatest gift you can give to them. It’s cynical to do it now just because you promise to file in a few months. If you think you’re ready for this commitment, you should just file now, Michele.

Haven’t you learned from Bristol Palin’s mistakes at all? [CNN]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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190 comments

  1. GuyClinch

    Hopefully when she goes in to file the papers, the clerk accidentally (or not) hands her papers for self-commitment. This lady's needed a straight-jacket for some long while now.

    1. Whatever

      yeah, VERY true but… (you knew there was a butt)

      I would do her. (Over a table with a ball gag, granted but still.)

      Yes, yes, hit me with the downfist (right) ban hammer (left).

  2. ManchuCandidate

    Sweet Zombie Jeebus. She's like a little insecure (weren't we all, but she's supposed to be a fucking adult) kid going around passing notes to all the teabaggers that say:

    Please check one. Do you:

    Like Me?

    Hate Me?

    Dipshit.

    1. ManchuCandidate

      Crazy in head, great in bed.

      Problem is what comes after to paraphrase George Bluth Sr:
      "You don't fuck crazy. You never fuck crazy"

      Which leads to:
      "Fucked in the head, better off dead."

    2. ttommyunger

      Everybody wants a little dose of crazy once in a while. 'Course, she's a great huge fucking ginormous dose, though…

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        She looks really good in that photo, in an almost Stepfordian kind of way. (Someone has flicked the switch on her back to the "standby" mode, until her services are needed)

        In most shots of her, however, it's "Eww. Neck wattles."

    3. mrpuma2u

      If you hit something as crazy as that, you make up a crazy get the f$%& out story like "I have to go break into a planned parenthood and vandalize it" and someone as nuts as her will believe you. Just do not go to sleep anywhere near her afterwords, if you value your life/intact man parts.

    4. Oblios_Cap

      I used to feel that way. But the more I see and read about her, the more repugnant she becomes. It's the classic "She was really hot and then she had to go and open their mouths and ruin it" sorta thing. Especially if there's no booze around to make things easier to stomach.

    1. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

      Hello to you good sir or madam, I am an exiled Nigerian prince who wishes to run for the Republican presidential nomination. If you will allow me to use your bank account to transfer funds into my PAC I will let you keep 10% and allow you to be my running mate…

      1. WriteyWriterton

        …please send me your e-mail address, bank account and routing numbers, and Hoverround VIN.

    1. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

      If the history of America teaches us anything, it's that crazy is a renewable resource.

  3. harry_palmer

    Would te rest of the world just say fuck it and nuke us from all sides if this fembot became Pres? Would they be wrong?

    1. DaRooster

      At least they could put us out of our misery that is bound to come should such a thing happen.

    2. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

      Moot point. I'm pretty sure Crazy Eyes there being elected would usher in Armageddon. See Babylon, whore of.

  4. Terry

    Wonkette should hold a contest to see if anyone can find a photo of Bachmann where she doesn't either have a vacant stare or the crazy eyes.

    1. Jim89048

      I am so stealing this, which will make me look funny on other blogs, which are not Wonkette…

  5. freakishlywrong

    This is a little OT, or not, but it needs to be said. Because if ole' crazy pants is taken seriously we're too far gone.

    Here's how it works:
    Obamar: "The Sky is Blue"
    Immediately, Frank Luntz scribbles the talking point:
    "The dithering tyrant, Obama, has said the sky is blue. It is, in fact, azure. He is a Muslim.
    Hoards of wingnuts, appear on Fox 24/7 to advance this meme including apoplectic meltdowns and tears from the hate filled, pink balloon that is Glenn Beck.
    Cable "news" picks up the "controversy". CNN promptly devotes hours of coverage as to whether or not the sky is blue.
    All Sunday "news" shows quickly book a line-up made solely of Conservatives.
    The sky actually was never blue, it has always been azure. Obama is incompetent.
    Enhanced interrogation techniques are not torture.
    The End.

      1. freakishlywrong

        I have only seen a few of those, they're showing them now on IFC. Almost too spot on. That anchor really is the female Billo, smug and mean. And wrong.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Exactly. Which is why the Democrats should launch a campaign to legislate shooting yourself in the head as illegal. And talk about it a lot. Obama should give a speech about the pending legislation, giving a exclusive interviews to Mother Jones and The Nation editorial boards. Just box those fuckers into committing suicide, as is their constitutional right.

    2. June_Cleaver2.0

      Would you please email your comment to the lamestream media, so they can see what they look like in the mirror?

  6. LabRodent

    I've been around the block a few times and thats the cold dead stare of a very freaky girrrrl.

  7. Lefty_Lucy

    She needs to swap an eye with Scott Walker. I think they got switched in the Teabagger factory.

  8. Hatrabbit

    Things the exploratory committee could explore Michele Bachmann for:

    a clue
    a soul
    tapeworms

  9. Blendergoathead

    I'm sending a big-ass publisher's clearing house-style posterboard check for a million Ameros to her campaign, just to see how long it takes her to figure that out. Fucktard.

  10. ttommyunger

    " …save her purity… "? It is to larf! That bitch has had her cherry pounded so far up her ass she uses it for a back-up light! Her pussy hangs down like a wet pea-coat sleeve, fer Chrissakes! She has a cunt like a horse-collar. She thinks it's tight because when you get both hands in, you can't clap them… Thank you, thank you very much. I'll be here all week.

  11. Schmannnity

    Bachmann and Palin in head-to-head competition. Hey Limbaugh! Where's your party of ideas now?

  12. baconzgood

    Sarah and Michele both running? That debate will be more scripted than the WWF doing a production of Glengarry Glen Ross.

  13. Conflabberdaddled

    she has yet to put on her white dress and make the commitment before God and the community

    oh for purity's sake, say she has to shave her head, pleeaaase –

    "And underneath her wimple
    She has mad hornets in her hair
    Michelle is not an asset to the Party –

    I'd like to say a word on her behalf.
    Michele
    makes me
    laugh ♪♫

  14. Texan_Bulldog

    I think she's still daydreaming about that time she rammed her tongue down W's throat after a SoU address. That's the only time W has ever quickly retreated.

  15. user-of-owls

    The only difference between her and Tiririca is that he explicitly ran as a semi-literate clown.

  16. ablington

    As far as ridiculous GOP ladeez go, Palin is the the big loser here. She has been usurped by a crazy gal who is actually DOIN' IT BETTER. I predict Bachmann will wipe the floor with Mittens and Newt, and the USA will enter a Golden Age of Crazy.

    1. V5¹∞ª℠≠½6³√•4°

      Barry got lucky in '08 when McCain (1) won the nomination, (2) "suspended" his campaign to solve the financial crisis, and (3) picked Alaskunt.

      Could Barry get that lucky again? Signs point to yes!

      1. GunToting[Redacted]

        In the spirit of bipartisanship, Barry will concede the election in late September 2012.

      2. riverside68

        I always said Barry was smart and good, but most important, he was lucky.

        Opponent in Senate race forces wife to strip club and divorce papers leak during the campaign. The whole economy tanks in September.

        My moneys on the black guy!

        1. V5¹∞ª℠≠½6³√•4°

          When they asked Napoleon whether he preferred courageous or brilliant generals, he said, “Neither. I want lucky generals.”

  17. randcoolcatdaddy

    Bachmann's probably be the only candidate capable of giving Kim Jong Il a run for his money in the bat-shit crazy department.

  18. baconzgood

    Michele Bachmann/ Sarah Palin in the Thunderdome

    "TWO BITCH ENTER ONE CUNT LEAVE!!! TWO BITCH ENTER ONE CUNT LEAVE!!! TWO BITCH ENTER ONE CUNT LEAVE!!! TWO BITCH ENTER ONE CUNT LEAVE!!!"

      1. baconzgood

        THANKS

        I'm trying my best to get 112 pee today because work is attempting to disable Wonkette on me.

  19. Allmighty_Manos

    The funniest/saddest part about all this is she's as much of a "serious" contender at this point as Tim Pawlenty or Haley Barbour.

      1. SorosBot

        When the most reasonable, sane candidate is fuckin' Mittens, you know we're in for a parade of psychotic clowns.

  20. SayItWithWookies

    Oh, to see a debate with Bachmann, Palin, Huckabee and Gingrich all on the same stage — I could record that and if the acid supply completely disappeared I wouldn't miss it.

  21. betweenstations

    Don't you remember when she was a 'Presidential Exploratory Committee' during a Bush SOTU address? Her tongue did plenty of exploring.

    I think her new 'Exploratory Committee' may be looking for Obama's birth certificate.

    1. betweenstations

      How about Palin and Bachmann skipping debate and doing Jello wrestling? Bill Cosby can referee.

  22. nounverb911

    Her first executive order will be to close all of the socialist public schools and make everyone home school their kids, just like she did.

    1. Not_So_Much

      She's a shining example of what education can do for you in this country. Wait, maybe that's just the light shining through her ears?

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Oh please. Her brain shriveled up and died of despair years ago. I'd wager those wasps are having to navigate through the forest of cobwebs between her ears.

  23. metamarcisf

    When Ms. Bachmann finally throws her hat into the ring, if she can decide which hat, it is incumbent on Wonkette to adhere to the double standard promoted by the mainstream media. She must be derided for her opinions because she's a "chick", not because her statements can cause the paint to peel off the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

    1. V5¹∞ª℠≠½6³√•4°

      What does she know about national defense? Never been in the military!
      What if she has her period when Putin rears his head? (Well, okay, that ship will have sailed by Jan 2013)

      For the record, the Sistine Chapel ceiling is a fresco, where the paint's mixed w/plaster, so not even Miche1e's braying midwestern nose-tones could strip it, thank Jeebus and that Michaelangelo dude.

  24. Not_So_Much

    How many of her government-funded terror babies will she use as props at speaking events? Is there a kicker payment if the over/under is above 6?

  25. nounverb911

    "Haven’t you learned from Bristol Palin’s mistakes at all?"
    Bachmann's having an illegitimate meth baby?

    1. jus_wonderin

      I think it is just a warning about getting banged in the toolshed on the back of a snowmachine. An ounce of prevention thing…….

  26. freakishlywrong

    Debates should be interesting because she NEVER goes off sanctioned talking points. Ever.
    Moderator: "What would you do about high unemployment"?
    MB: "I FOUND 102 MILLION DOLLARS HIDDEN IN OBAMACARE. THEY DIDN'T READ THE BILL AND THEN RAMMED IT DOWN OUR THROATS11!"

    Moderator: "Uhh..ok..thanks. Mr Obama?"

    1. betweenstations

      That's what is known as 'deep throating the bill.'

      Although she had 5 kids. Maybe if she'd learned to swallow she'd have gotten enough protein that her brain wouldn't have atrophied.

  27. Hatrabbit

    Hey Downfister,

    When I was fucking your mother the other day she told me all about your bedwetting problem.

    So sad..

  28. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    …she will get that set up earlier if it’s a requirement for her to enter debates.

    That dead eyed zealot wants to be part of the debates? Oh, this should be good.

    (And by good I of course mean soul-killingly horrific.)

  29. hagajim

    So does this mean that the current five stooges (almost) running for Preznit are Fatty (Haley), Snoozy (T-Paw), Creepy (Newt), Cunty (Palin) and Schizoid (Bachmann)…sounds like a murderers row of FAIL!

  30. DownFist Troll

    Look out right of center Democrats radical communists! Michelle Bachman's gonna use the entire power of the Scooby team Federal government and smoke you out!

  31. CapeClod

    Finally. A candidate that can mangle the English language and American history. A double threat.

  32. rocktonsam

    I'm worried about the money being pissed away on these exploratory committees.

    What about the money? Who will care about the money?

    Does extortion quack like a duck also?

  33. ulTIMum

    Every minority, beit the street thugs in 30s Berlin or the fascists in the same era in the UK or Repugnant plutocrats today, must herd the ignorant mobs to attain goals. The problem is what to do with the useless slogs when they've served their purpose. Hitler used the Night of the Long Knives, and Lady Mosley, the effete Metford twit, when asked if she would be socializing with the goons they used to beat up communists at rallies, replied "Certainly not!"

    Now you have Rational Repugs trying to prick the balloons of these fabulous frauds. Long may they run.

  34. WhatTheHeck

    Her exploratory committee’s first rule is to visit Israel and then stop off in India for a cameo role in a Bolywood singing/dancing film. This is the sacred path of republican women seeking the presidency as prescribed by rightwing gurus.

  35. Steverino247

    A Presidential debate with Bachmann and Palin would be like watching the women of Barley Townswomen's Guild re-enacting the Battle of Pearl Harbor.

  36. MozakiBlocks

    So Batshit Crazy joins Batshit Retarded, Batshit Horny, Batshit Boring, Batshit Racist and just plain Batshit in the GOP 2012 fandango.

    "Winning!"

  37. Callyson

    But if both Bachmann and Palin run, which one will Tina Fey portray? They'll have to hire a new comedienne just for the primary…
    …but at least we know where the jobs are now…

  38. prommie

    Why don't they just dig up Reagan's corpse and run that for president? The Constitution nowhere specifies that a president must be "living" or "alive." Sure, there are provisions for when a president dies while in office, but I don't see how those would apply to a president who was already dead when elected.

  39. GeneralLerong

    $arah vs. Michelle – Death Match 2012. Better than women-in-prison movies!

    I think I'll go pop some popcorn right now – even the mind movie is worth watching.

  40. owhatever

    Moderator: How should the budget be proportioned?
    Sarah: Americans are supportin' me.
    Michelle: No they're not. Bitch.
    Sarah: Are too, you librul ho.
    Michelle: I'm gonna kick your skanky ass at the polls.
    Sarah: Leave my family out of this. Only pole you know is the one you dance with.
    Moderator: I quit.

  41. pinkocommi

    We've elected a Catholic and now a black President. It's time that the certifiably mentally ill had their day in the sun.

  42. MissTaken

    My liver is already scared of the drinking games that will accompany the primary debates with Michele. __

  43. DustBowlBlues

    Meanwhile, scores of comedy writers from Will Durst to SNL to Comedy Central announce a prayer vigil for Batshit to declare immediately AND introduce a bill calling for the reinstution of HUAC. (And that last one would make Tweety happy. )

    I, meanwhile, wait to hear David Brooks' tortured rationalizations on why this Republitard lineup isn't completely bonkers, batshit losers while Mark Shields and EJ Dionne sit back and laugh.

    BTW–I still hate Republithugs, dead, alive or in a coma. Hate them. Hate them with a fury that would render me dangerous, if I weren't a liberal with no guns and no knowledge of how they work, even if I had one.

  44. BarryOPotter

    logical disconnects measured in parsecs

    Parsecs? Psh. At least gigaparsecs and that's just during the 'exploratory' phase of this mission

  45. BarackMyWorld

    For those of you keeping score at home:

    4 years as U.S. Senator and 8 as state legislator = not enough experience to be president.

    4 years in U.S. House and 6 as state legislator = plenty of experience.

  46. Pragmatist2

    With Liz Taylor gone, there is a vacant "Gay Icon" slot.
    Who better to fit the bill than Michelle!

  47. cpmondello

    Only the elimination of all conservative Christians will allow all Americans to be free and the world to no longer have to live in fear of the U.S.A.'s imperialist, terrorist holy war. The conservative ideology has never helped mankind in any way, it has not only never helped mankind in anyway, it has oppressed, murdered, raped and killed all those in it's way to gain power. History shows us this. Fact shows us this. James Madison, the "Father of the U.S. Constitution", along with many founders of this country, regardless of their religious or non-religious affiliations, knew keeping politics and religion separate not only preserves each, but helps them flourish: "The number, the industry, and the morality of the Priesthood and the devotion of the people have been manifestly increased by the total separation of the Church and the State."

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