it's morning in america

Tokyo Residents Hoard Bottled Water, Instant Noodles?

Still plenty of sausagethings on a stick, though!

  • Growing hysteria about radiation-rich tap water deemed “unfit for babies” (someone’s picky!) has led to a bottled water shortage in Tokyo. And while supermarkets have plenty of vegetables and fine meats, there’s hardly any instant noodles to purchase — not even for ready money. (Similar to a glass of water, a Styrofoam cup of chicken-flavored chemical broth is an excellent way to replenish your precious bodily fluids.) Japanese authorities insist that “levels of radioactive iodine in tap water [are] above the safe level for babies,” so why won’t the babies stop with this nonsense? Radiation levels are totally normal in California and in surrounding states, so please don’t hoard bottled liquids (yet). [VOA]
  • A NATO helicopter “accidentally” murdered two Afghan civilians while attempting to kill “suspected insurgents.” Sounds pretty sketchy. Just another day! [AP]
  • A Pentagon prosecutor compared the Seminole Indians to al Qaeda, in a bizarre attempt to defend the use of Gitmo kangaroo tribunals or something? Now he has to apologize for being stupid. [Miami Herald]

About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman
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  1. V5¹∞ª℠≠½6³√•4°

    "Citing precedents, prosecutors reached back into the Indian Wars in arguments at an appeals panel in Washington D.C. Specifically, they invoked an 1818 military commission convened by Gen. Andrew Jackson after U.S. forces invaded then-Spanish Florida to stop black slaves from fleeing through a porous border — then executed two British men for helping the Seminole Indians."

    Ex-fucking-zactly like al Aaeda! What's the problem? Carry on, scholarly legal geniuses of the Judge-Advocate General Corps. Oh, and when this is over: please commit seppuku to atone for your sins. Or failing that, renounce your law licenses. Not everything they pay you to do is worth doing.

    1. PsycWench

      Does that mean Pocohontas = Osama bin Laden? That is going to screw up some history textbooks, not to mention that Disney movie.
      (yeah, I know Pocahontas wasn't Seminole but I can see anyone who is making the above argument also believing that all non-whites are alike).

      1. V5¹∞ª℠≠½6³√•4°

        The Seminoles are the only tribe of indigenous people who never signed a treaty with the United States. This is because they were too zonked from the heat and humidity, and too lazy from eating the fish that jumped up right into their boats, to fight the heroic Americans "settlers." So naturally we had to kill them.

        1. OC_xenon-133_Serf


          Hey, I found these…are they yours?

        2. DahBoner

          If you think the Seminoles are terrorists, you should check out their grandparents, The Noles.

          Bad ass motherfuckers…

      2. Terry

        Didn't Pocahontas end up dying of pneumonia in London? Maybe binLaden will or has recently died of the clap in Bangkok.

        1. CessnaDriver

          I heard that she died when she choked on a sandwich that she bought from a street vendor at a public hanging.

          1. Terry

            Home schooled, were you?

            from Wikipedia:

            In March 1617, Rolfe and Pocahontas boarded a ship to return to Virginia, however, the ship had only gone as far as Gravesend on the River Thames when Pocahontas became gravely ill. She was taken ashore and died. It is unknown what caused her death, but theories range from smallpox, pneumonia, or tuberculosis, to her having been poisoned.

      3. horsedreamer_1

        I was thinking more Bobby Bowden = Osama bin Laden, given that the FSU football programme was pretty much a criminal enterprise intent on stoking fear in anyone contesting it (on-field, & off).

        Also, Bobby & Osama are old, & easily confused.

    2. Sophist [DDS,DD,DFH]

      Oh, and when this is over: please commit seppuku to atone for your sins. Or failing that, renounce your law licenses.

      He deserves to be given our nation's most indelible mark of public shame, the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

    3. ttommyunger

      What's the difference between a Government Lawyer and a Government Mule? I'm not sure, but I'm guessing one is smarter than the other and one farts more than the other, but again, I'm not sure which is which.

    4. Jim89048

      That does it, I'ma go bury my collection of Sacagawea "dollars" out in the yard and let some future generation of space people try to figure out why we would have honored al qaeda like that in the first place.

    5. mumbly_ジョジョ

      The claim seemed to mainly be that any and every instance of asymmetric warfare is terrorism, and since we genocided the Injuns, life sentences without trial and sporadic torture is small potata's.

      Which, I guess I could get behind, if only because it means having people, presumably lawyers in the US Department of Justice, implicitly argue that the Revolutionary War was a terrorist campaign, and therefore we should repeal the Bill of Rights.

      1. V5¹∞ª℠≠½6³√•4°

        Jeebus don’t give them ideas. The 4th Amendment’s pretty much a goner already. Only the Glorious 2nd can save us now!

  2. freakishlywrong

    College students everywhere seize up in fear of the Great Ramen Noodle shortage of 2011. Hobos and working class America also. Too.

    1. Jim89048

      I was shopping the other day and I swear I saw Ramen brand mac&cheese, in the Asian foods aisle. Mind=blown.

  3. bitchincamaro2

    Hmm. Drink the irradiated tap water or go for the plastic-leaching boutique bottled brand? Dilemma!

  4. baconzgood

    Off topic, but I need to vent in this forum.

    First they took my facebook and I didn't make a peep. Then they blocked funnyordie and I did nothing. Yanni is blaring so loud on the speaker outside my office I have to shout over it even when my heavy walnut office door is closed (I know they fucked with the speaker in some way to make it so loud). They recently took my Flash player so I can't watch Jesus Lizard videos on youtube. This morning they attempted to block Wonkette! Listen here "The Man", (in my Brave Heart voice) YOU MAY TAKE MY SLACK….BUT YOU'LL NEVER TAKE MY SNNNNNNARKING!!!!!!!!

    P.S. Department Director Dale: Remember yesterday while you were out for your standard 3 martini lunch? I was the one who snuck into your office, downloaded all that bizarre Dutch pornography and e-mailed it to everyone using your account. Additionaly, you know that fancy pants fountian pen you're always chewing on? I STUFFED IT DOWN MY DRAWERS AND PUT IT ON MY BALLS!!!! F.U. DALE! I'm under contract! You're going to need plastic explosives to get this libtard out of this company.

    (this comment is 100% snark free)

      1. baconzgood

        Yeah he is. He knows all the right wing talking points. He's new and implementing all these new shitty policies. He has yet to realize that I'm an office terrorist.

        1. horsedreamer_1

          You're motherfucking gangsta. I'm going to start calling you Baby Prince H. Tha Stone Col' Dopest Biz-ook-kizeepin' Muthafukkin' Badass Supastar Kornfeld Tha Second.

    1. V5¹∞ª℠≠½6³√•4°

      You touched your balls w/the fountain pen DD Dale puts in his mouth? Ew. Hope you sterilized it in the microwave for an hour or two first.

      Also, bring in your own computer and find a wireless link, or use to hook it up to your cell. Unfortunately Wonkette commenting on cell phones isn't possible.

    2. DaRooster

      Tell Dale I'm fucking his wife.

      (If you need me to, let me know)
      Sorry man, I would miss me some snarkin'.

    3. Terry

      "my heavy walnut office door is closed "

      You have a DOOR? A heavy walnut DOOR? ….and yet you complain?

      1. baconzgood

        I lucked into my office. The guy that used to have it had a heart attack in it and no one would take it because of superstition.

        1. Terry

          I moved into an office once and found something the previous occupant had left in the desk drawer…a pair of dirty tighty whities. I found a yardstick and used that to flip them into the trash can from a safe distance. Used disinfectant on the drawer, too.

        2. V5¹∞ª℠≠½6³√•4°

          Ha ha, when I worked in the post office a guy named (let's say) Jones was always coming in to work overtime. Finally he had a heart attack and died on the workroom floor. Ever after, we'd greet other letter carriers who came in for overtime on their day off with, "Say hello to Jones when you see him!" Then we'd all go out for a big breakfast, get high in our trucks, and eventually deliver some mail.

    4. ttommyunger

      Now think about it; if you downloaded kiddie porn into his 'puter and dropped a dime on him to the Feds….problem solved. He would be tasting Bubba's ballsack, not yours.

    5. horsedreamer_1

      You should re-train & get a job in IT. Then, you can just cold stream XTube, on the job, & not get into any trouble. Doubtless, Wonkette wouldn't prove problematic, in the event, either.

    6. Guppy06

      "They recently took my Flash player so I can't watch Jesus Lizard videos on youtube."

      You don't need Flash to watch YouTube. Clicky:

      Sign up for the HTML5 trial at the bottom. At that point, it's just a matter of convincing your local IT monkeys that it's time to upgrade to the latest version of their web browser of choice.

      1. baconzgood

        The Monkeys are on to that kind of strategic maneuver. Besides they don't like me ever since my April Fool's Day joke last year when I hid a bunch of chicken livers in thier computer room lair. They are part of this battle of wills and not on the good guys side.

        1. Guppy06

          PROTIP: never piss off the people that can read all your emails. Closely related to staying on the good side of building security, who have access to all the security camera footage.

          EDIT: Google for the acronym "BOFH" for more info.

    7. natoslug

      Does Department Director Dale have a wireless keyboard/mouse? If so (and yes, I am blatantly stealing this from bofh), why not have some fun and plug your own bluetooth dongle in and screw with his keyboard/mouse while he is trying to work? Or to have a ton of fun, enable remote access on his system and just access the whole thing? Fill his drive with donkey porn, pop open something exciting the next time he has someone in his office for a meeting?

    8. baconzgood

      Thanks all my snarky buds for helpin' me through this. YOU ALL GET A BIT FIST UP AND I WILL "FOLLOW YOU".

  5. PsycWench

    Last I checked, the non-instant noodles took a whole 5-10 minutes to cook. Is that a unacceptable time frame?

    1. Come here a minute

      Not to mention the fact that the label "instant' is bullshit — it still takes a couple of minutes to microwave or soak in hot water. That's not instant to me.


    2. freakishlywrong

      Yes. When you have 3 twelve hour a day jawbs and have to drive the kids to soccer. And not enough sodium and MSG in slow noodles.

  6. SorosBot

    This is good news for sellers of ridiculously overpriced water that's no better than what you get practically for free from the tap outside of the third world but have managed to fool our nation's credulous morons that it somehow is.

    1. V5¹∞ª℠≠½6³√•4°

      Mmm…Fiji water, shipped all the way from Fiji for your drinking convenience. So much better than tap water. And low in fat!

      I always knew the water company was trying to kill us.

  7. PublicLuxury

    Babies always get there way. Their powerful lobby dwarfs the AARP lobby. It's about time these babies manned up and drank the water. We ALL have to do it eventually.

  8. DaRooster

    “…levels of radioactive iodine in tap water [are] above the safe level for babies…”

    Those babies need to MAN UP!

  9. KathrynSane

    I can't decide if someone using Andrew Jackson's policies regarding Native Americans as a relevant precedent for civil rights issues is hilarious or sad.

    Also, my account is officially being followed by my first conservatard troll! I'm so proud to have made it this far. I'd like to thank the Academy…

    1. prommie

      Thank you, someone taking note of Andrew Jackson's record and the wisdom of looking to him for guidance.

      1. SorosBot

        His advice is "exterminate the dark-skinned brutes", so at the very least Pammy Geller and John Bolton have been trying to get us to follow him.

      1. GOPCrusher

        Normal people generally do not consider the Trail Of Tears as a high point of the Jacksonian Era.

  10. Come here a minute

    A NATO helicopter “accidentally” murdered two Afghan civilians while attempting to kill “suspected insurgents.”

    No prob, as long as they didn't pose for pictures with the dead bodies.

    1. PsycWench

      Not because such posing is in extremely bad taste, mind you, but because it's incriminating.

  11. Sophist [DDS,DD,DFH]

    Radiation levels are totally normal in California and in surrounding states, so please don’t hoard bottled liquids (yet).

    I'm planning on hoarding bottled gin, whiskey and wine, but for reasons only tangentially related to kamikaze Japanese radiation.

    1. ويجا المجلس

      Iffin' you hoard the plastic bottled liquids that will increase the liquids' bisphenol A (BPA) content. BPA helps increase obesity and decrease fertility for female fetuses and infants. So hoard away you moms out there and you will help you kiddies reach their All American potential girth and save your daughters monies wasted on birth control since they'll be infertile. So if you're concerned about the iodine and infant thyroid issues, just follow Sophist's advice and give your babies gin.

  12. GuanoFaucet

    Real Americans feed their babies 64 oz. Big Gulps, filled with Mountain Dew, so they have nothing to fear from radiation-contaminated water.

    1. CrankyLttlCamperette

      Sort of like in the Middle Ages where the water wasn't safe so everyone drank beer for breakfast.

      Not that there's anything wrong with beer for breakfast…

  13. SorosBot

    Why do we have that racist, war crime committing, genocide attempting, Supreme Court ignoring flaming asshat Andrew Jackson on the twenty, anyway? He's down there as one of our worst Presidents, an ancestor of the modern teabaggers who was an incredible racist even by 1830s standards.

    1. mumbly_ジョジョ

      Because he killed the National Bank, AFAICT. I mean, that was the single biggest thing he did, economy-wise, even though it was terrible. Honestly, Jacksonian Democrats were ideological ancestors of Confederate-Teabag-Americans in a huge way, and Jackson himself was basically a spiritual ancestor of Ronald Reagan. Wouldn't be surprise if the push to get him on our money came from a similar strain of PR machine aimed at rewriting his legacy to the one that gave us Ronald Reagan National Airport and wants to bump Grant off the fifty.

      1. SorosBot

        The smears against Grant, sadly, have been highly successful; even history textbooks usually portray him as a useless drunk as President with one of the most corrupt cabinets ever who got nothing done, which is simply not true. He had enormous success with Reconstruction, which were sadly undone when Rutherford B. Hayes pulled the troops out of the South.

  14. bitchincamaro2

    NATO's initial description of Wednesday's attack said a "precision airstrike" killed the Haqqani leader and two other insurgents while they were driving in a vehicle. That announcement also described how NATO troops nearly missed civilians near the site of the attack.

    Whew! Thank god they were nearly missed. And only one of them was a child.

  15. metamarcisf

    To make the water safe, all they to do is boil it for a few minutes. If it's too hot to drink, then throw in a few ice cubes. Honestly, for a supposed advanced civilization, these Japanese can be awfully dense.

    1. SorosBot

      If you want to get the most out of your meal plan, fruits are easy to sneak back to your dorm room, as are cereal and other dry foods if you have the right container. Anything liquid or with a sauce, however, you've got to be very careful with.

  16. donner_froh

    'A NATO helicopter “accidentally” murdered two Afghan civilians"

    Their quota was five so now that helicopter crew is seriously behind schedule. Time to take out that orphanage they have been saving for a situation just like this one.

  17. ManchuCandidate

    Having eaten a lot of Ramen noodles as a university student, I honestly think I'd rather chance the radiation as even slightly radiated food would be less hazardous to my health than Ramen… especially that damn "flavor" packet.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      I find the flavor packets to be too strong for just one serving of raman. I'll make a batch of two, and use the extra packet on my popcorn.

  18. mereoblivion

    Will "chocoloate-chip pancakes and sausage on a stick!" replace that other one as a chic outburst?

  19. arihaya

    so they use Andrew Jackson's precedent …

    hey i have just a brilliant idea,,,, lets use General Sherman's precedent !

    1. Weenus299

      Because if it was Andrew Jackson's precedent against the Cherokee, who actually won their Supreme Court case and could stay on their land in Georgia, then shit, there would be no country.

  20. TanzbodenKoenig

    Using Andrew Jackson as precedent is actually quite genius: It allows the 2nd Wasilla Meth Regiment to rape and torture any non-white person they see, just so long as they also force them into brutal thousand mile forced diasporas, enslave them, and violate every treaty written with them before the ink is dry.

  21. prommie

    Hey now, the ramen is not a convenience food in them there parts, its a staple of the poors. So much so that there are international treaties regarding minimum nutritional value, on account of so many people live on little else.

    And don't be making fun of Jimmy-Ds. Jimmy-Ds are a lifesaver, 500 calories of fat first thing in the morning, followed by 3 cups of black death, thats my life.

  22. ThundercatHo

    Chocolate chip pancake wrapped sausage on a stick! You can actually buy something at the store that is better than fair food?! Fire up the turkey fryer honey, I've got the concession at the Teabagger Rally. Drive hoveround with one hand (or hold automatic weapon) and eat tasty treat with the other.

  23. Beowoof

    Maybe they could market Tokyo water, you know put Ann Coulter's face on the bottle and have a slogan, "Grow you schlong as BIG as Ann's with Tokyo radio water".

    1. natoslug

      Are the kittens better boiled in radioactive or non-radioactive water? And do they help the noodles cook faster? How many kittens should I add to my survival kit? Fuck! I'm totally unprepared for this.

  24. Terry

    While both may look awful, O'Keefe is worse as he has never been associated with any sort of good taste.

  25. DashboardBuddha

    Seriously…what parent would buy those for his kids? Better to just punch them in the throat and be done with it.

  26. Limeylizzie

    I read that as "O'Keefe's pencil-necked sausage" . I haven't had breakfast yet, and now may not be able to eat anything at all.

Comments are closed.