glowing acai berriez

Desperate Ann Coulter Knows Radiation Is Good For You


We should all be doing cancer treatment! What a theater of idiots. Won’t somebody please find a way to make Ann Coulter popular again? This is just getting pathetic. Anyway, the more important question about radiation: How dit get dere? [YouTube]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • BlueMonkeh

    Isn't that lump on the front of her throat some kind of thyroid cancer?

    • gef05

      It's her brain trying to escape.

      • user-of-owls

        Objection! Presumes facts not in evidence!

        • gef05

          I refer you to the size of the lump as circumstantial affirmation.

          • mayor_quimby

            <sassy black female judge voice> I'll allow it.. but you're on a tight leash, counsel </sassy black female judge voice>

          • Negropolis

            **ethnic howls, hoots, and whoops**

    • Radiotherapy

      It's a testosterone based anatomical feature characteristic of the XY karyotype.

      • poncho_pilot

        some scientists also say that testosterone may have an influence on the ability to empathize. more testosterone, less empathy.

        • WriteyWriterton

          I don't feel your pain.

    • mrpuma2u

      Dang it you beat me to it. Clearly it's a radioactive tumor.

    • qualityshows

      Ann Coulter really seems to have deep issues to deal with about herself before she spouts her insanity. Here's a comedy sketch with an ending line that might shed some light on something about her: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_3gBDThVjg&fe

    • GarColga

      It's her larynx! Most people have some body fat so it's not visible. If the lighting is right you can see it bobbing up and down, opening and closing when she talks, making her even more creepy.

  • Beowoof

    Radiation helped Ann grow a nice big dick. Question answered on how she got it.

    • nounverb911

      Then is Anne the newest Koch Brother?

    • DownFist Troll

      I thought it made her dick fall off.

      • poncho_pilot

        it did, and as in some species of earthworm, it actually regenerated into a new organism. hence, James O'Keefe.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Dick falls off, dick grows back.

        How do you explain that?

    • smokefilledroommate

      How'd dat dick get dere? How dit get dere? –Now I know.

  • Chillwaver

    Radiation, of course…that explains the tranny/alien looks.

  • Rad-T

    Radiotherapy gets its due.
    Now that's what I'm talking about.

    • user-of-owls

      There's been some weirdo around here impersonating you. All squiggly lines in his name.

      • Radiotherapy

        Despite what cunt-face says: Don't mess with Radiation.
        If I see anyone misrepresenting Radiotherapy™, I'll beat them more than a hippy at a Merle Haggard concert.

        And, BTW, speaking of misappropriating names, how about that meteorologist yesterday discussing radioactive showers with Nancy Disgrace, Burny Rain-O, fucking Burny Rain-O, hahahahaha

  • nounverb911

    Wasn't Coulter just featured in the "Pole Dancing for Jesus" story?

    • Beowoof

      Only if she was showing off her radioactive pole.

    • DownFist Troll

      Don't think so. it only featured chicks.

    • Callyson

      Guess she can't make it rain…

    • tessiee

      There's not enough duct tape in the world to fit that package into a g-string.

  • PublicLuxury

    The husb fantasizes about the feel of that adam's apple on his dick as she swallows. I know. I know. I had him hospitalized. He'll be as good as new in no time.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Bisexual is not the same a s crazy. Let him out, to find his way. Might be something in it for you as well.

      • PublicLuxury

        I don't have issues with bisexual play, no not at all. His problem is it is Ann Coulter

  • ttommyunger

    She just likes it 'cause she found Radiation Treatment helped reduce her Adam's Apple down to the size of a tennis ball. Naturally, it also made her gonads and penis larger, but she doesn't care, stating flatly; "I can tape them up, no problem.".

    • Angry_Marmot

      I wouldn't mind her hiding her candy, if she wasn't trying to steal my candy and give it to people who already had their share.

      • ttommyunger

        Your share, and mine, and my children's and my grandchildren's share.

      • mayor_quimby

        I think we can all agree that she goes to the garden to make a sacrifice to Evil, not Good, correct?

  • MinAgain

    And here I thought the golden glow radiating from her head was caused by one too many encounters with Miss Clairol.

  • gef05

    Good. She can go fight the Fukushima reactor in that case.

    • Giveusabob

      Indeed, and if she comes back as a normal, sensible human being, then her theory that radiation = good is correct! A very slim chance, but I'm feeling optimistic this week.

  • mourningnmerica

    Has she always worn those cheap, cross-dresser style eyelashes? Did I not notice them before?

    • Jim89048

      Most aging drag queens become caricatures of their younger selves.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Ann's real ones fell out due to radiation.

  • PublicLuxury

    Maybe she and James O'Keefe can get together. James needs a man and a warm place to stay and she needs a cover so the tea-publicans will fap over her.

    • Crank_Tango

      Hmm so Okweef would be a man-beard then? It's a bit of a stretch, but I am sure he will do it. Besides, he has to be getting tired of Lightfart's onion breath.

  • bflrtsplk

    If it's so good for her, I will give her my share free of charge. Of course, then she'll turn into Godzilla Reborn or something equally skeezy.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    Have she learned nothing from movies? Radiation created Godzilla. Oh wait, she's sweet on him. She wants to have his babies. Oh Annie, you hopeless, hopeless romantic. But that kind of creature-on-creature relationship does not fit the mold of traditional family values. Sorry, I don't make them rules.

    • Angry_Marmot

      Huh. I figured her for a Rodan or Ghidorah freak– the eggs, the shrieking…

    • tessiee

      Even Godzilla has standards, you know.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    And now for tonight's "Reptiloid Report" on FAUX Nooze…
    ~

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Remember when Ann was the Bat Shit Crazy Republican par excellence?

    Now she just fades into the background noise of the Glen Becks, Rush Limbaughs, Michelle Bachmanns, Sarah Palins, Sharon Angles, etc. etc. etc.

    It must be so frustrating when you use to have it made, but now you are simlpy too normal for your old followers.

    • Radiotherapy

      It's like the brave soldier — or suicide case — who attacks the machine gun nest and then the troops use the corpse as cover and then step over it as they advance….no, I'm just kidding, she's just an androgenic cunt and all the others are asswipes.

  • Rambone

    Finally! Someone has the balls to stick up for radiation!

    Next up, perhaps Glenn Beck will inform us that stabbing oneself in the eye with a jagged piece of glass is a good way to increase penis size.

    • user-of-owls

      Jagged piece of glass in the eye or GTFO!

    • mavenmaven

      He'd pretty much have to do that live to get his ratings up.

    • not that Dewey

      And then OBAMAR can say "no, that's not true", and Republicans will try to make it mandatory, and there's a Tea Party rally coming up. I like where this is going.

    • gvvt

      Another Inalienable Right the Obamatatorship wants to DENY to the American People.

  • MinAgain

    Boy, Bill's working really hard to keep from slapping her upside the head and saying, "Get the hell off my show, you crazy bitch."

    • mourningnmerica

      She makes O'Reilly look like Disraeli.

      • gvvt

        Jewish?

  • V5¹∞ª℠≠½6³√•4°

    How awesome is it that two people who clearly know not a goddamn thing about science are on teevee, talking about science?

    • BlueMonkeh

      And it's not even on the public access cable channel! Democracy!

    • poncho_pilot

      they both have a history of discussing other topics on tv they know little about.

    • riverside68

      That's because they aren't biased about science. Anyone who knows "a goddamn thing" about science has a pro-science bias and cannot be trusted.

      Wake up Sheeple!

    • tessiee

      Because Nancy Grace had the day off?

    • Timofmars

      I'm pretty sure O'Reilly thinks cancer is an "infection" and that the victims of the A-bombs were incinerated by the radiation. When he goes to "nuke it" in the microwave, he probably thinks he's cooking with radiation. And from his gestures he made in describing standing in radiation (like lying on a beach and taking in the sun), it seems he also thinks ultraviolet light is radiation as well.

      It must be pleasant to live in such a simple world. Idiots truly are to be envied!

  • EdFlintstone

    Nancy Grace on one side and Trann Coulter on the other. Who knew he/she lawyers were also radiation experts.

  • GuanoFaucet

    And with that performance, Ladies and Gentlemen, we conclude this round of America's Biggest Idiot Asshole, nuclear dumbfuckery round. Nancy Grace put up a good fight, but the winner, by an adam's apple, is Ms. Coulter.

  • DownFist Troll

    Ann Coulter is the kind of "women" even bill o'reilly would not sexually harass.

    • XOhioan

      Not even with a falafel?

  • Hatrabbit

    "A stunning number of physicists" = zero.

    • user-of-owls

      She lied?! I'm stunned!

  • nounverb911

    Uranium futures are the future! Get them while they're hot!

    • Karma_Suture

      Where does Uranium come from? Uranus?

  • SayItWithWookies

    She certainly picked a subject that gives her an easy way to prove her point — I'm sure she's just dancing around the Fukushima countryside right now, eating the spinach and drinking the milk, right? Oh, she's still here? And it's President Obama who's the wimp, for — um — attacking Libya? No, I don't get it. Don't get it at all.

  • Extemporanus

    Ann Coulter should eat a bag of lightly-salted nuclear fuel rods.

    • chicken_thief

      She wouldn't do that – salt makes her retain water….

    • Steverino247

      And masturbate with an inanimate carbon rod.

    • yyyaz

      And that would be a video of Trannie Annie I actually would watch.

  • XOhioan

    Also, next time you're at the zoo, pet one of the tigers. It's very good for you.

    • Crank_Tango

      well, cats are supposed to lower your blood pressure, therefore cogito ergo sum, the bigger the cat, the bigger the benefit.

      • Karma_Suture

        A lot of people are afraid of large cats, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.

    • mayor_quimby

      She should try shooting one of the big ones with a slingshot, that takes low hanging, hairy, radioactive balls. I think she's got the stones!

  • WhatTheHeck

    On the other hand, radiation from x-rays are bad, because the x-rays might reveal something oddly out of place.

    • Radiotherapy

      You mean like this?

  • Oldskool_

    Tell me she did not say "the coolest cat in my column". Poor guy will never live it down.

    • user-of-owls

      In the Assange post yesterday, someone said O'Reilly had diddled their pet whilst housesitting. So, in this case, we'd be talking about the "coolest column in my cat."

  • WIDTAP

    I wonder if Ann will volunteer herself to prove this.
    One can only hope.

  • bumfug

    Well, now we know just how big a dipshit a right-winger has to be for even O'Reilly to say, "Fuck it, you're nuts."

  • user-of-owls

    Won’t somebody please find a way to make Ann Coulter popular again?

    So, did you see "Network"? Remember how Howard Beale began to become pathetic? Remember how it ended?

    • Tommmcatt

      God that is sexy. Make it so, please. I will chip in money to help pay.

      • BlueMonkeh

        I'm a big fan of Sybil the Soothsayer..I mean O'Reilly.

    • not that Dewey

      So, Hippie Tim Robbins will take care of her, then?

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    J. Frank Parnell/Mann Coulter: Ever been to Utah? Ra-di-a-tion. Yes, indeed. You hear the most outrageous lies about it. Half-baked goggle-box do-gooders telling everybody it's bad for you. Pernicious nonsense. Everybody could stand a hundred chest X-rays a year. They ought to have them, too. When they canceled the project it almost did me in. One day my mind was full to bursting. The next day – nothing. Swept away. But I'll show them. I had a Lobotomy, um, sex change in the end.
    Otto: Lobotomy? Sex change? Are you a chick with a dick?
    Parnell/Coulter: Not at all. Friend of mine had both. He was a contarded talking head. You ever hear of the Federalists or Club For Growth? Destroys people – leaves money growing. Fits in two words, low taxes. It's so stupid, no one knows it's there until – BLAMMO. Eyes melt, skin explodes, everybody dead. So immoral, working on the thing can drive you mad or change your sex. That's what happened to this friend of mine. So he had a lobotomy/sex change. Now she's well again.

    • poncho_pilot

      bullshit. you're just a white suburban punk like me.

      • Steverino247

        But it still hurts!

        • poncho_pilot

          let's go get sushi and not pay.

    • catholic4condom

      Dude, I was so thinking of that quote.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Talk, talk, talk. I urge Ms. Coulter to travel to the Fukushima plant to demonstrate to the rest of us the many beneficial effects of radiation.

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      She could go for a nice swim in the pool in reactor #3 I hear it's a heated pool.

  • mumbly_ジョジョ

    "I think that's how it's pronounced, I've only read about it"

    And, yeah, that clearly qualifies you to write a book about it.

  • fartknocker

    Apparently the physicists didn't tell Old Ann about the importance lead shielding given her face. She should expose herself to about 5 Sieverts of gamma radiation and tell us how her cellular system is behaving (Hint: It won't feel good).

  • mavenmaven

    "Cancer is good for you! People who die of cancer have much less death due to heart disease"
    "Well, how did the cancer get there? How did the moon get there?"

    • tessiee

      "People who die of cancer have much less death due to heart disease" "

      Excuse the cliche, but, DUH!! People who die of ANYTHING have less death due to heart disease! You can only die once!

      • user-of-owls

        Tessiee, you ignorant slut.

        • tessiee

          I resemble that remark!

    • gvvt

      How the fuck did Ann Coulter get there? Ergo, God Disproved

  • Callyson

    Yes, Ann, radiation is good for you. I think you should expose yourself to as much as possible right away.

  • pinkocommi

    I'm willing to bet a good, strong dose of radiation to Ann's brain won't damage the quality of her commentary.

  • chicken_thief

    That's it! I'm buying a time share at Chernobyl while the prices are still right!!!

  • Guppy06

    Physicists? What about biologists and ecologists?

  • TanzbodenKoenig

    Claims to be a woman, adam's apple is the size of a cantaloupe… Can't explain that!

    • lulzmonger

      Adam's apple goes up, Adam's apple goes down – never a miscommunication!

    • ObamaHatesLibyans

      She turned you down, huh? Check this out–the sky is falling! Even the EuroTards are starting to catch on. Got progress?

      http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1369129/B

  • bumfug

    She's a woman, damn it! A woman with a six inch clit.

  • PalinPussyPower

    I don't understand why anyone would go through the trouble of having gender reassignment and not follow through with small details like shaving down the Adam's Apple or having some injections so they actually have an upper lip.

  • natoslug

    So, Ann Coulter's nose: A sign of advanced-stage syphilis, or nose-job gone awry? Either way, her voice is really annoying, which seems to be a theme amongst right-wing women. Can these experts explain either of these? Why yes, I DID just finish off my second 6-pack of the day. Why do you ask? And who just peed on my leg?

    • WriteyWriterton

      Apparently, I already "voted" on this, so I can't favor you with another love-tap, but it wasn't me who just, uh, you know.

  • DahBoner

    Ann Coulter is amirite? Sure, God Almighty created both radiation and arsenic.

    Try some uranium and arsenic in your Tantrictini some time Ann…it's God's will.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Or creme brule maybe?

  • Slim_Pickins

    She kept ranting about a minimum dose "they" say you shouldn't exceed. Its a maximum dose. She also shouldn't use Nancy Grace as her media reference standard. Controlled, theraputic doses can be beneficial, it the uncontrolled exposure that's the problem. Ask the GIs that the Army deliberately exposed to atomic radiation in the 50's, if any of them are still around. What, no spell checking in Firefox 4.0! I'm doomed!

  • rocktonsam

    Ann Coulter?
    Was Gretchen Carlson busy THAT NIGHT?

  • lulzmonger

    Ann Who?

  • BklynIlluminati

    So when does her plane to Japan leave for her beneficial radiation spa day?

  • http://www.wonkette.com WordSaladNation

    "You have to urr on the side of caution," apparently, guys.

  • El Pinche

    I think some radiation could do Mann some good. Maybe it could mutate that 9" penis back into an ordinary vagina…or turn that Daniel Craig-in-drag looking face into something vaguely female. But what the fuck do I know. ?

    • PublicLuxury

      This is what I know, El Pinche, it is easier to dig a hole than build a pole.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Radiation has feelings too, you know.

  • Steverino247

    Downfisting troll puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

    • poncho_pilot

      now it puts the lotion in the basket. put the fucking lotion in the basket!

    • El Pinche

      Apparently we struck a soft spot.

      • BlueMonkeh

        Yeah, I don't think his skull ever fully closed.

        • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

          Yet his mind did. Interesting.

          • BlueMonkeh

            zing!

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Well, if there's anyone on the planet that resembles a steaming pile of Uranium 235, it's that remarkably self-absorbed excuse for a human being.

  • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

    "New to area. Very fit classy, successful guy. 39, 6ft 190lbs, blond/blue. smooth hard body. Looking for a sexy right wing commentator that i can spoil. I promise not to disappoint."

  • http://wonkette.com/ ويجا المجلس

    Good gravy, that emaciated harpy would make Barnum blush. Coulter's pitch about radiation and hormesis is loonier than the ads that tell Thumbelina, our beloved down-fisting troll, that for just $99.95 he can turn his shriveled nothing into a 10-inch wonder. Shit, that video makes O'Reilly appear a voice of reason.

    If you want to spend some time seeing Radiation Annie get schooled, try going here.

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      Great link. Thank you. Consider yourself fisted.

    • BlueMonkeh

      Jeezus Krispy Kreme my head kind of hurts after being exposed to all that knowledge.

      Still can't read or hear "hormesis" without snickering a little to myself. Whore me, sis!

    • GuyClinch

      *sigh*. Looks like I just wasted $99.95…

  • HistoriCat

    "in Yucca Mountain"? Finally – we'll put that boondoggle to use and it will have been worth every penny.

    We are locking the door after they go in, right?

    • Moonbatting Average

      Oh of course. I picture it like this:

      Us: "Hey teabaggers! There is some spent nuclear fuel to cuddle with down this here tunnel!"

      Hoverounds: "WHIIIIIRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrr…….(distant echo)"

      Door: *slam*

  • Timofmars

    The radiation comes in. The radiation goes out. Never a miscommunication.

  • 教授 Zoom

    Could we please settle this by sending both Ann Coulter and Nancy Grace to go clean up the Fukushima reactors, with different exposure times, and then seeing which one croaks first?

    You know, for science.

    Also, any time Bill O'Reilly starts sounding like the voice of reason, I get very nervous.

  • 教授 Zoom

    Even better, we could start storing radwaste in Ann Coulter's bunker. You know she has one.

    A bunker, I mean.

  • Weenus299

    I live a good life, Jack. No way am I listening to that thing blabble through her flapping hole about anything. To Billo even. FTA!

  • smokefilledroommate

    Yes, Ann. It's not early detection of breast cancer through digital mammography to be highly regarded in thwarting cancer, it's the radiation in the imaging. Shit, why do the doctors even look at the results?

  • CalamityJames

    Suck a dick.

    EDIT: That was the answer to number 3.

  • iburl

    Wow, I just thought of what we can do with all the radioactive waste that Obama and Cheney are ushering in with all their new nuke plans! We can dig a hole 100 miles under Dick Cheney's Moleman caves and put mAnn down there. Once she eats enough of it, she will emerge from the ocean floor 100 feet tall, and then we will be more justified in attacking her with a giant robotic ape.

  • CalamityJames

    After watching this (10 seconds anyway) I have one thing to say. "GOOD NEWS ALL YOU FUKUSHIMA WORKERS! Li, stop bleeding out of your eyes. Wan, must you pull all your hair out now? I've got something you might wa… Goddammit, somebody get Hu's body-parts off the floor. Now listen up…"

    • 教授 Zoom

      Err, might want to work on your stereotypical names. Should be Yamaguchi, Hashimoto, Suzuki, etc….

      • elfgoldsackring

        So, Paddy and Mick walk into this sushi bar…

        • user-of-owls

          …and Guido the bartender says, "光る魚の内臓"

          • CalamityJames

            …to which Pedro says "That's not my wife!"

            Haha, never gets old.

          • user-of-owls

            …then they all kicked Coulter in the dick and everyone lived happily ever after.

      • CalamityJames

        Sheesh, I was trying to be considerate and not use anybody's real name.

        • WriteyWriterton

          Now you tell us.

      • WriteyWriterton

        I'm glad you went after our colleague. I was gonna give him/her/it/them a pass on the Chinese names. Maybe CJ was thinking of the China Syndrome?

      • Jim89048

        Now, before the ceremonial saki-toss…

  • elfgoldsackring

    How'dit get dere? Yeah, good question. Ann also wants to know "how is babby formed?"

  • BornInATrailer

    This dude obviously has a little sugar in him.

  • undeterredbyreality

    Garbage goes in, garbage comes out. You can't explain that.

  • karen

    I'd like to thank all the hard working wonkateers for all the fucking fantastic dick jokes in this thread. It's easy to just say "Ann Coulter is a man with a penis!", but you guys have brought the funny and a hilarity-induced tear to my eye.

    KEEP IT COMIN', YOU FILTHY BASTARDS!

  • fuflans

    i was listening to a little of that and then realized i was listening to a little of that and it was really pretty annoying and really she should just shut up.

    k. now i have to memorize some james joyce or something.

  • GuyClinch

    I feel an irresistable urge to come up behind that terrible woman with a long pair of scissors and just cut that mane of tranny hair off and sell it to the Chinese or something.
    And then I'd pie her.

  • BarackMyWorld

    I'll repeat my comment from when someone mentioned this the other day…

    …either:
    (1) Ann doesn't understand that there are different types of radiation that can effect you in different ways depending on the amount of exposure, and can also have unhealthy long term effects (for example, chemotherapy can fight your cancer but also make you so sick your hair falls out); or
    (2) Ann's a dumb bitch who is exceptionally good at being oblivious to any information that doesn't fit neatly within her pre-existing world view.

    Please let this be the final straw of stupidity that gets her banned from television forever.

  • Warpde

    Just have to say, you would really need a set of balls to want to go to Fuc'u(Hiro)shima
    and Ann is packing a big pair.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Good to hear. The Japanese are looking for more people to get in there and work on the Fukushima reactor. If anyone can make a room full of rods go limp and impotent, it's Coulter.

  • Negropolis

    Alternative Title: Local Ladyboy Speaks on the Virtues of Nuclear Waste.

  • deelzebub

    Yes, Ann, radiation is great. In twenty years all the super trendy Japanese teenagers will be dressing to accentuate their scars from the surgery to repair their Chernobyl Hearts.

  • stew1

    Ann, radiation causes sterility in men, so you should be quite concerned about potential penile issues.

  • hagajim

    Ann is just desperate because the GOP isn't having enough conferences where everyone gets to assfuck the tranny.

  • mush2

    YES beating a dead horse but in one sentence "As the New York Times reported it doesn't get press…". Yes how could it possibly get press, being reported in the press?

  • Ducksworthy

    Thank Gawd! I understand now. Republicans are not just crazy inhabitants of bizarro world. They are contrarys. Everything bad is good and everything good is bad. Health care bad, radiation good. Soon they'll begin walking backwards. Ollie North has converted them all into contra zombies. It all makes sense.

  • owhatever

    America needs more strong men like her.

  • gvvt

    Check them carefully – it may be that some of your opinions make sense, which would be grounds for dismissal if you were a Fox-fucker.

  • memilyg

    That Voldemort-looking deuce talks a big game – Now let's see her pony up and sit in the radiation tub herself for a few days. Sheesh.

  • ArmoredBore

    Bile-belching polemicist is a bile-belching polemicist.

  • Toomush_Infer

    It's not only The Aristocrats….it's Botoxical!…

  • pixelkarma

    what does 911 have to do with radiation. He's an idiot

  • Walkinwiddaking

    What a hideous horse faced bag of bones.