RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  3:06 pm March 23, 2011

America’s Manure Crisis Finally Hits Home

by Benjamin Frisch

  • After losing the meeting with his appointed death panel (cancer), a brave Houston man speaks out from beyond the grave to stop Barry Hussein. [KRIV]
  • Sen. Ron Johnson says that Obamacare is the greatest assault on freedom in his lifetime, which is true because McCarthyism and Jim Crow were just for laughs. [WSJ]
  • Shakespearean commenter: “WE are in a lot of manure, a very seriously deep manure crisis….Obama dances in the daiseys and frollics with the rich and America haters, bowing to them, and seeking their approval of him…F.” [GOPUSA]

  • Did you know condoms cause STDs? It’s true. [Life News]
  • Muslim Sen. Dick Durbin called a hearing on protecting American Muslims—clearly “Turban Durbin” is going to terror bomb the whole thing. [Bare Naked Islam]
 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 131 comments }

ManchuCandidate March 23, 2011 at 3:08 pm

And the retards take the field…

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum March 23, 2011 at 3:19 pm

The marching band is our only hope.

ThankYouJeebus March 23, 2011 at 3:53 pm

More than the music has died this day. RIP La Liz.

nounverb911 March 23, 2011 at 3:09 pm

“Turban Durbin”
Is that a new brand of condom?

DashboardBuddha March 23, 2011 at 3:24 pm

That's right…but they're not very good. Like Durbin's arguments, these condoms are full of holes.

PublicLuxury March 23, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Yeah. But be careful. They are covered with STDs which looks like lube. If you use them you'll be engaged to Penicillin Penny too soon

CrankyLttlCamperette March 23, 2011 at 3:43 pm

That's not Durbin…that's Santorum!

Extemporanus March 23, 2011 at 4:18 pm

"Turban Durbin" is street slang for a Sheik® condom — the brand's been a favorite of jihoohawdists for decades because of their velvety touch and strength.*

*(Can you spot the typo, infidels?)

SorosBot March 23, 2011 at 3:11 pm

It's good for Obama that the teabaggers are dropping like flies; that's what happens to a movement composed of bitter old angry fat white guys.

DaRooster March 23, 2011 at 3:11 pm

"In lieu of flowers, at Jim's request, please make a donation to ANYONE running against Barack Hussein Obama or the American Cancer Society."

As I may have mentioned… this guys HATES Obama AND The American Cancer Society. Man, not cool.

horsedreamer_1 March 23, 2011 at 3:22 pm

He was the last man in the last garrison of the Tobacco Institute. So, say what you will of Jim, but he was steadfast. & I admire that in a body.

HistoriCat March 23, 2011 at 4:40 pm

I'm going to request that in lieu of flowers, everyone get a lapdance for Jesus and give the dancer an extra-large tip.

PublicLuxury March 23, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Looks like someone spiked the tea-publicans soft drink with an extra dose of the paranoid laced with stupid.

memzilla March 23, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Teh Stupinoidz Rool!

SorosBot March 23, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Freedom's just another word Ron Johnson likes to misuse; we can have a better, a better health system and still be free.

Rad-T March 23, 2011 at 3:26 pm

I hate the false equivalency as much as the "who would you drink a beer with" logic, but the wingtards always keep this one in their back pocket: Single Payer = Stalinism.

jqheywood March 23, 2011 at 4:04 pm

Him and Bobbie McGee

Clancy_Pants March 23, 2011 at 3:13 pm

The links on the page about the dead teabagger are priceless:

Monster truck kills woman in strip club parking lot
and
Vicious Bullying Attack Leaves 9-Year-Old Humiliated

Texas. the gift that keeps on giving!

HistoriCat March 23, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Other states like to talk about the crazy-ass bullshit they want to do (state legislators, for example) but in Texas, the crazy-ass bullshit just happens. And then the state legislators go back and pass laws to make it legal.

poncho_pilot March 23, 2011 at 8:34 pm

i thought herpes was the gift that keeps on giving. this might mean that Texas = herpes.

nounverb911 March 23, 2011 at 3:14 pm

"After losing the meeting with his appointed death panel (cancer), a brave Houston man speaks out from beyond the grave to stop Barry Hussein"
Did Harrison have a Seder for his last supper too?

DaRooster March 23, 2011 at 3:17 pm

or spegiti?

zhubajie March 24, 2011 at 10:00 am

Does he have a recording and a speaker in his tombstone? Probably some prankster could change the mp3 file or whatever it is.

memzilla March 23, 2011 at 3:15 pm

As long as Faux News stays on the air, there will never be a manure crisis in the USA.

el_donaldo March 23, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Looks like Obama is losing the zombie vote, but with all the manure is gaining the plants vote. Plants vs. zombies win!

DashboardBuddha March 23, 2011 at 3:22 pm

"Plants vs. zombies win!"

Not so fast there, Don…what if they're Zombie Vegetarians?

GRAINS….GRAINS…

ifthethunderdontgetya March 23, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Shit ====> Fan

We're in deep doodoo now, folks.

P.S. The Medium Lobster:

And so it is that the United States is fighting to free the Libyan people from the Libyan people by killing the Libyan people. The situation is fairly straightforward, after all – Libya faces a humanitarian crisis, and the only way to address a humanitarian crisis is to bomb it with hundreds of cruise missiles. I'm told that the Red Cross still delivers bottled water and medical supplies by duct-taping them to the nose cone of an outgoing Tomahawk. More importantly, the Libyan people are oppressed by a bloodthirsty dictator – a dictator who kills his own people – and the least we can do is kill those people ourselves.
~
~

nounverb911 March 23, 2011 at 3:17 pm
arihaya March 23, 2011 at 3:16 pm

" … because McCarthyism and Jim Crow were just for laughs"

so Scott Walker is officially the most terrible asshat from Wisconsin,, ever

EatsBabyDingos March 23, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Assault on Freedom? That would be McDonald's threatening to raise the Dollar Menu prices. Or Teletubbies.

horsedreamer_1 March 23, 2011 at 3:23 pm

No more Mc Gangbang for 3.18$!?

I do not want to live in such a world.

Giveusabob March 23, 2011 at 3:18 pm

I like how a GOPUSA commentator calls out the "sexual deviant minority" (in ALL CAPS of course) for making Obama do this. What minority might that be? Furniture pornographers?

natoslug March 23, 2011 at 3:21 pm

My dining room table often gives me a woody.

elviouslyqueer March 23, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Hey, they don't call 'em "love seats" for nothing.

horsedreamer_1 March 23, 2011 at 4:14 pm

Wallpaper* is a classy magazine, not porn.

SorosBot March 23, 2011 at 3:18 pm

That dada-esqe comment at that site with the really annoying "subscribe" ad you point to goes on to demand Obama's impeachment, apparently for pressing the UN to pass a resolution again persecution of gay people. Is today the anti-gay bigotry day?

Fare la Volpe March 23, 2011 at 3:44 pm

You mean like every other day?

SorosBot March 23, 2011 at 3:47 pm

I mean on the Wonkette here, or rather it's stories about stupid anti-gay bigots.

elviouslyqueer March 23, 2011 at 4:22 pm

"If it's Wednesday, it must be Hate the Gays Day!"

__kth__ March 23, 2011 at 4:41 pm

SRsly: one hears a lot of kvetching about "will online advertising ever succeed", and I think, "not as long as I get popup ads for Obama's birth certificate at the stone commie sites I like to hang out at".

DaRooster March 23, 2011 at 3:19 pm

She wasn't saved by a bureaucrat, and no government mandate forced her parents to purchase the coverage that saved her…

Had it been up to an insurance company… the would have been denied, toot-sweet.

baconzgood March 23, 2011 at 3:19 pm

"Obama dances in the daiseys and frollics with the rich…" This from GOPUSA……HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!!!!! (wiping a tear) That's rich.

KenLayIsAlive March 23, 2011 at 3:58 pm

"Well Mr. Koch, a vacation with you guys in Monterey sounds fantastic."

- Governor Scott Walker

EdFlintstone March 23, 2011 at 3:20 pm

I think I was exposed to a damaging number of millisieverts of retardation at GOPUSA, quick get me some potassium iodide.

pinkocommi March 23, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Well, Southerners know all about death panels. Once upon a time, they were called the KKK.

nounverb911 March 23, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Haley Barbour misses the good old days.

memzilla March 23, 2011 at 3:36 pm

The original Boyz in da Hood(s).

prommie March 23, 2011 at 3:20 pm

God meant for you to be scared shitless of having sex for fear you'd immediately drop dead of syph-orrea-aids, don't you numbskulls know that? And the mighty HPV virus is stronger than any condom, even any two condoms, this is the only thing that it is legal to tell kids about condoms, under US law, that they don't work.

poncho_pilot March 23, 2011 at 9:19 pm

are the condoms in series or parallel. if in series:

the protective ability (let's call it P) would be the sum: Pt = P1+P2+…

if in parallel:

Pt = 1/P1 + 1/P2 +…

so…if P1 = 2 and P2 = 3 then the series protective ability would be 5 and the parallel protective ability would be 1.2.

thus it can be concluded that doubling up would give you the most protection.

in the next two lessons we will discuss a situation involving a "male" condom and a "female" condom known as Parabolic Reservatus, and the Law of Inverted Prophylactics, respectively.

mumbly_ジョジョ March 23, 2011 at 3:20 pm

"I thought it was great. It was totally Jim. He had such a great since of humor, great heart.[...]" added Harrison's widow.

Umm… no. No he didn't.

PublicLuxury March 23, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Too right. His heart was given to Dick Chainknee

ManchuCandidate March 23, 2011 at 3:33 pm

Ba zinga.

natoslug March 23, 2011 at 3:21 pm

The brave Houston man is truly a visionary. If only the whole of the conservative movement would rise up as one and join him. In death.

fuflans March 23, 2011 at 3:21 pm

hey houston jim: good thing your last thoughts were ones of hate. that's a sure fire way to get thru those pearly gates.

fartknocker March 23, 2011 at 3:22 pm

And as Ron wrote that article, I'm sure he has no problem utilizing the health care system I pay for since he receives his care for free as he is a member of the House of Representatives.

Fucking hypocritical asshat.

horsedreamer_1 March 23, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Even better than that: he's a Senator. One of the 100 greatest deliberators in the world.

nounverb911 March 23, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Isn't being an asshat a pre-existing condition?

Allmighty_Manos March 23, 2011 at 3:23 pm

The totalitarian nightmares of Western Europe and Canada (I guess Japan too) are grim reminders that the endless struggle to exclude most Americans from affordable health care is what separates freedom from tyranny.

Giveusabob March 23, 2011 at 3:34 pm

I actually thought this summed it up nicely. http://www.theonion.com/articles/congress-deadloc

horsedreamer_1 March 23, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Oh, no, Ron Johnson's drunk, again. (He is from Sloshkosh, after all.)

PublicLuxury March 23, 2011 at 3:27 pm

Blonde haired, blue eyed, muscular, mormon jeebus was created to be paranoid. Just ask teh glenn beck

OC_xenon-133_Serf March 23, 2011 at 3:27 pm

condoms cause STDs?

yes…Stubborn Torpid Discharges

ManchuCandidate March 23, 2011 at 3:33 pm

Santorum Terrible Discharges.

baconzgood March 23, 2011 at 3:30 pm

"Planned Parenthood doesn’t bother to tell our young people that their own statistician, the Guttmacher Institute, related the following failure rates for contraceptive methods under typical use:

• Pill (Combined) 8.7%
(extacy)

• Three-Month Injectable 6.7%
(Sting)

• Withdrawal 18.4%
(They are nicked named Super-Dude & Wormboy in my family)

• Male Condom 17.4%"
(Exactly why I never ever used them and never will)

On a side note…The fuckin' Guttmacher Institute? Are you serious? GUTTMACHER!!!

TheMightyHaltor March 23, 2011 at 4:28 pm

If male condoms have a 17.4% failure rate, statistically I should have at least 50 kids by now. I don't have any kids, so I guess I'm just lucky.

baconzgood March 23, 2011 at 4:49 pm

WOAH there buddy! Is someone doing a little bragging? Little embellishment?

TheMightyHaltor March 23, 2011 at 5:38 pm

Hey, there's a manure crisis on. Just doin' my part.

SorosBot March 23, 2011 at 4:51 pm

It's almost like those statistics were pulled right out of their ass.

Zvi_Bleindmeis March 23, 2011 at 3:32 pm

Condoms cause STDs, contraceptives cause pregnancy, Planned Parenthood is assaulting the public health, criminalizing abortion equals freedom….

Homer: "Lisa, a guy who's got lots of ivory is less likely to hurt Stampy than a guy whose ivory supplies are low."

Weenus299 March 23, 2011 at 3:46 pm

Bullets cause peace.

widestanceroman March 23, 2011 at 3:59 pm

Pubic hair causes crime.

horsedreamer_1 March 23, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Don't know about that, but it does make Hefner break out in hives.

FNMA March 23, 2011 at 3:52 pm

War is peace.

jqheywood March 23, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Oceania has always been at war with East Asia…

FNMA March 23, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Another Homer quote: "Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true."

baconzgood March 23, 2011 at 4:07 pm

"By your logic this rock keeps away lions"

SorosBot March 23, 2011 at 3:33 pm

"Tuban Durbin" doesn't even make sense as an insult, nor does that bad photoshopping, since turbans are religious garbs for Sikhs, not Muslims. Hateful little bigots are morans as well; not a surprise.

MrsBiggTime March 23, 2011 at 3:35 pm

I'll need to visit the online condolence book for Mr. Harrison: http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/houstonchronicle

MrsBiggTime March 23, 2011 at 3:48 pm

…and please take time to comment that Mr. Harrison's penchant for wearing women's clothing was a personal choice, and he never acted on any of his darker fantasies,

Blendergoathead March 23, 2011 at 3:35 pm

That condom story is total bullshit. The only STD I ever got was from a sorority girl, and we defintely didn't use a condom.

Thus, SORORITY GIRLS cause STDs. The end.

p.s. It was almost worth it.

Fare la Volpe March 23, 2011 at 3:37 pm

Downfisty McTrollscunt is just rarin' to go tonight.

A round of upfists on the house!

DashboardBuddha March 23, 2011 at 3:41 pm

No kidding, eh? I just took a look and it seems I was yet another victim of a drive-by p-ing. Seriously…the points don't matter. In fact, I'm quite pleased and maybe even a little proud of the people that are following me (Breitards excepted), so that's nice.

But, if you're going to carpet bomb with P at least make a comment…fucking little cowards go about hosing other people's P but are too afraid to saying anything.

ManchuCandidate March 23, 2011 at 3:44 pm

Give the loser a break. His only real talent is to shovel shit against the tide.

jus_wonderin March 23, 2011 at 3:57 pm

He pisses into the wind too.

jqheywood March 23, 2011 at 4:30 pm

And he tugs on Superman's, er, uhm, cape

DashboardBuddha March 23, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Well…he's been a busy little troll. I have more zeros than Victoria Jackson's entourage.

Blendergoathead March 23, 2011 at 7:35 pm

obConfession: Sorry, Fare, I'm inadvertently responsible for downfisting you… I was upfisting through, but flinched and clicked the wrong button when a big fucking crow crashed into my window. Please accept my sincerest apologies.

baconzgood March 23, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Hey listen Troll we don't go on your satire psudo-news site (theblaze) and down fisty you. Didn't Jebu$ say "treat others websites how you want your website treated"? Huh? Yep he did say EXACTLY THAT.

Oh, It actually doesn't matter because we take care each other here, like a kind of socialist damage control.

metamarcisf March 23, 2011 at 3:40 pm

And Gov'r Paul "Pepe" LePage of Maine (R) (Knucklehead) has ordered the State Dept. of Labor to take down murals which depict the historic struggle for workers rights in the state, saying they create a hostile atmosphere for business interests. We don't have to worry about throwing these bums out when they seem bent on self-destruction themselves.

SexySmurf March 23, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Because American capitalism is so fragile, the entire system can be taken down with bad public art.

DashboardBuddha March 23, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Maine-r here. LePage is a douchebag. He changed the sign welcoming folks to Maine to read, "Maine is open for business".

SenileAgitation March 23, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Didn't it used to be "If you lived here, you'd be home by now"?

KenLayIsAlive March 23, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Whoa. Is that true? I have to look this up.

jus_wonderin March 23, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Why does our "Follower" change his/her name so often? Some kind a freak, I tell ya.

KenLayIsAlive March 23, 2011 at 4:03 pm

He thinks he can make you think there are multiple freaks in the same pathetic condition he is in.

SorosBot March 23, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Though he hasn't re-added him yet, I noticed the other day that he was even stalking our antisemitic conspiracy theorist NaderKucinichGravel; he doesn't even bother to (or can't) tell the difference between us and his fellow trolls.

elviouslyqueer March 23, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Seriously. It's got more personalities than Sally Field did in "Sybil."

LabRodent March 23, 2011 at 3:42 pm

I would love to put a OBAMA 2012 sticker on Mr. Harrison death box.

jus_wonderin March 23, 2011 at 3:46 pm

We could make a run down there and put one on his monument.

LabRodent March 23, 2011 at 3:50 pm

Indeed.

widestanceroman March 23, 2011 at 4:03 pm

With his own death certificate on the inside of the lid?

HistoriCat March 23, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Shit he's buried up in The Woodlands and yes, it's as White as it sounds. A 30 mile drive from Houston to the land of snooty racist assholes – and that's just the Democrats up there! The Republicans are the worst sort of "personally saved by Jesus" tightasses.

Weenus299 March 23, 2011 at 3:44 pm

When he's all drinked up, he's Bourbon Durbin.

Jim89048 March 23, 2011 at 3:46 pm

Good luck enforcing the no flies zone, what with all the manure.

EdFlintstone March 23, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Dear Mrs. Harrison, I'm sorry at the loss of your husband. As per the instructions in the obituary I want you to know I sent 100 dollars, in your husband's name, to the campaign of Muhammad Abdul. He is running for the Islamic Sharia Law party's nomination.

genxr March 23, 2011 at 4:06 pm

That deserves upfisty.

Ruhe March 23, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Please post that campaign's web address so I can match your support…for Jim and Allah's America.

BornInATrailer March 23, 2011 at 3:50 pm

Every time a pro-life person or organization rants against contraception education my brain does a hard reboot trying to comprehend.

jus_wonderin March 23, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Mine does a Blue Scream

jus_wonderin March 23, 2011 at 3:52 pm

He's Dead Jim: "To the last, I grapple with thee; from hell's heart, I stab at thee; for hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee."

baconzgood March 23, 2011 at 4:00 pm

That's the wierdest Family Circus caption I've ever heard any one quote.

Ruhe March 23, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Appropriate. Though in Jim's case it's likely that it's not Whiteness but rather Blackness that is the issue. The mind of an old Republican is a hoary web of prejudices and fears. And of all these things the Black President is the symbol. Wonder ye then at the fiery hunt?

Ruhe March 23, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Thanks for the helpful link. My package of "Dick Turbins" should arrive in four to six business days then I'm gonna find me some receptive liberals.

dahboner March 23, 2011 at 4:00 pm

How could there ever be a manure shortage in the GOP?

Dinosaurs make great compost…

finallyhappy March 23, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Has the right wing gotten stupider, more racist and homphobic or was I just ignoring them?

undeterredbyreality March 23, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Honestly, I really wanted to leave some last words for Jim's insane blended family–what did he have, 3 wives and a step-dad? A Real Ammurrican. His last request was undoubtedly written by "his beautiful wife," who listed her kids in the obit before she listed his. Who knows, maybe he was Newting on her as well, and he loved Obama and this is her revenge? Clearly, though, I'm just not m(e)an enough to do it.

Thurman Munster IV March 23, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Another great headline from MSNBC: "Jerusalem bombing kills 1, inures dozens"

When a bombing inures only dozens, then it didn't do its job

Steverino247 March 23, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Dear Mrs. Johnson,

I just wanted to say I'm sorry your husband was so freaked out that a black man became President that he caught cancer and died. I have made a generous contribution in his name to the Creeping Sharia Society of Houston so that those lovely flowers can be planted on every golf course in Texas.

randcoolcatdaddy March 23, 2011 at 4:14 pm

LifeNews seems to feel that targeting ten year olds with safe sex information is unconscionable.

Perhaps parents that can't talk to their kids about the birds and bees and keep them from getting knocked up when they're twelve is a wee bit more unconscionable….

DerrickWildcat March 23, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Dear Jim Harrison,
you may be gone but you will never be forgotten, The members of Wonkette have pooled their resources together and donated 10,000 dollars to President Barack Hussein Obama's Campaign in your name. The 10,000 Dollars puts you into the, "Hope and Change Club" and your name will be engraved on a plaque (Between George Soros and Code Pink) on the front door of the White house. This also qualifies you for Obama Supporter of the year from the Daily Koz and Huffington Post. Our donation will make sure you will be forever known as a Champion of LBGT, Minority and Muslim American Rights.

__kth__ March 23, 2011 at 4:31 pm

KRIV, same (Fox) channel that ran the pole dancer for Jeebus story, amirite? THAT'S HOW THEY GET YOU.

Also, what better way to show that you were a man of conscience than by willing that fields of thine enemies be sown with salt and spent uranium.

TheMightyHaltor March 23, 2011 at 4:32 pm

I guess I was wrong…you CAN die from bitterness.

Guppy06 March 23, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Quoth the WSJ heart-wrencher:

"She wasn't saved by a bureaucrat, and no government mandate forced her parents to purchase the coverage that saved her. Instead, her care was provided under a run-of-the-mill plan available to every employee of an Oshkosh, Wis., plastics plant."

I smell a union.

Guppy06 March 23, 2011 at 5:15 pm

A word that appears nowhere in the GOPUSA article or its comments: "Uganda"

ttommyunger March 23, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Got to hand it to Senator Ron Johnson; running for office while keeping his Porn Name takes balls.

Ducksworthy March 23, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Breaking News! Jim Harrison is still dead!

MinAgain March 23, 2011 at 6:15 pm

Did you know condoms cause STDs?

Well, sure. If you trade used condoms like used hypodermic needles.

glamourdammerung March 23, 2011 at 6:55 pm

Obama does indeed dance with America's enemies, feebly trying to win their admiration or even a small token of respect. Though in fairness, he kind of does have to deal with conservatives even if they want America to fail.

glamourdammerung March 23, 2011 at 6:56 pm

Jim Harrison would be better off asking for ice water in Hell at the present time.

The_Great_Gazoo March 24, 2011 at 12:03 am

I would never buy condoms from the Gutmacher Institute, but I would never put my dick in it, either.

catholic4condom March 24, 2011 at 12:37 am

Condoms work just as well as Chastiy or Marriage vows. They're 100% effective until they're broken.

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