rumors on the internets

America’s Manure Crisis Finally Hits Home

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  • After losing the meeting with his appointed death panel (cancer), a brave Houston man speaks out from beyond the grave to stop Barry Hussein. [KRIV]
  • Sen. Ron Johnson says that Obamacare is the greatest assault on freedom in his lifetime, which is true because McCarthyism and Jim Crow were just for laughs. [WSJ]
  • Shakespearean commenter: “WE are in a lot of manure, a very seriously deep manure crisis….Obama dances in the daiseys and frollics with the rich and America haters, bowing to them, and seeking their approval of him…F.” [GOPUSA]

  • Did you know condoms cause STDs? It’s true. [Life News]
  • Muslim Sen. Dick Durbin called a hearing on protecting American Muslims—clearly “Turban Durbin” is going to terror bomb the whole thing. [Bare Naked Islam]

About the author

Benjamin Frisch is a comic book artist, and sometimes journalist currently habituating somewhere on the elitist liberal east coast of the United States. His published works include a short lived, but beloved cross-dressing comic strip entitled Maurice Antoinette and some other stuff not worth mentioning. As a journalist, Benjamin somehow contributed to National Public Radio, with his story At the Concert Hall, a Symphony for Space Invaders. Benjamin is currently delaying adulthood as a graduate student, and plans to remain one forever. He can be twittered at

View all articles by Benjamin Frisch


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • ManchuCandidate

    And the retards take the field…

    • Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

      The marching band is our only hope.

    • ThankYouJeebus

      More than the music has died this day. RIP La Liz.

  • nounverb911

    “Turban Durbin”
    Is that a new brand of condom?

    • DashboardBuddha

      That's right…but they're not very good. Like Durbin's arguments, these condoms are full of holes.

    • PublicLuxury

      Yeah. But be careful. They are covered with STDs which looks like lube. If you use them you'll be engaged to Penicillin Penny too soon

      • CrankyLttlCamperette

        That's not Durbin…that's Santorum!

    • Extemporanus

      "Turban Durbin" is street slang for a Sheik® condom — the brand's been a favorite of jihoohawdists for decades because of their velvety touch and strength.*

      *(Can you spot the typo, infidels?)

  • SorosBot

    It's good for Obama that the teabaggers are dropping like flies; that's what happens to a movement composed of bitter old angry fat white guys.

  • DaRooster

    "In lieu of flowers, at Jim's request, please make a donation to ANYONE running against Barack Hussein Obama or the American Cancer Society."

    As I may have mentioned… this guys HATES Obama AND The American Cancer Society. Man, not cool.

    • horsedreamer_1

      He was the last man in the last garrison of the Tobacco Institute. So, say what you will of Jim, but he was steadfast. & I admire that in a body.

    • HistoriCat

      I'm going to request that in lieu of flowers, everyone get a lapdance for Jesus and give the dancer an extra-large tip.

  • PublicLuxury

    Looks like someone spiked the tea-publicans soft drink with an extra dose of the paranoid laced with stupid.

    • memzilla

      Teh Stupinoidz Rool!

  • SorosBot

    Freedom's just another word Ron Johnson likes to misuse; we can have a better, a better health system and still be free.

    • Rad-T

      I hate the false equivalency as much as the "who would you drink a beer with" logic, but the wingtards always keep this one in their back pocket: Single Payer = Stalinism.

    • jqheywood

      Him and Bobbie McGee

  • Clancy_Pants

    The links on the page about the dead teabagger are priceless:

    Monster truck kills woman in strip club parking lot
    Vicious Bullying Attack Leaves 9-Year-Old Humiliated

    Texas. the gift that keeps on giving!

    • HistoriCat

      Other states like to talk about the crazy-ass bullshit they want to do (state legislators, for example) but in Texas, the crazy-ass bullshit just happens. And then the state legislators go back and pass laws to make it legal.

    • poncho_pilot

      i thought herpes was the gift that keeps on giving. this might mean that Texas = herpes.

  • nounverb911

    "After losing the meeting with his appointed death panel (cancer), a brave Houston man speaks out from beyond the grave to stop Barry Hussein"
    Did Harrison have a Seder for his last supper too?

    • DaRooster

      or spegiti?

    • zhubajie

      Does he have a recording and a speaker in his tombstone? Probably some prankster could change the mp3 file or whatever it is.

  • memzilla

    As long as Faux News stays on the air, there will never be a manure crisis in the USA.

  • el_donaldo

    Looks like Obama is losing the zombie vote, but with all the manure is gaining the plants vote. Plants vs. zombies win!

    • DashboardBuddha

      "Plants vs. zombies win!"

      Not so fast there, Don…what if they're Zombie Vegetarians?


  • ifthethunderdontgetya

    Shit ====> Fan

    We're in deep doodoo now, folks.

    P.S. The Medium Lobster:

    And so it is that the United States is fighting to free the Libyan people from the Libyan people by killing the Libyan people. The situation is fairly straightforward, after all – Libya faces a humanitarian crisis, and the only way to address a humanitarian crisis is to bomb it with hundreds of cruise missiles. I'm told that the Red Cross still delivers bottled water and medical supplies by duct-taping them to the nose cone of an outgoing Tomahawk. More importantly, the Libyan people are oppressed by a bloodthirsty dictator – a dictator who kills his own people – and the least we can do is kill those people ourselves.

  • arihaya

    " … because McCarthyism and Jim Crow were just for laughs"

    so Scott Walker is officially the most terrible asshat from Wisconsin,, ever

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Assault on Freedom? That would be McDonald's threatening to raise the Dollar Menu prices. Or Teletubbies.

    • horsedreamer_1

      No more Mc Gangbang for 3.18$!?

      I do not want to live in such a world.

  • Giveusabob

    I like how a GOPUSA commentator calls out the "sexual deviant minority" (in ALL CAPS of course) for making Obama do this. What minority might that be? Furniture pornographers?

    • natoslug

      My dining room table often gives me a woody.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Hey, they don't call 'em "love seats" for nothing.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Wallpaper* is a classy magazine, not porn.

  • SorosBot

    That dada-esqe comment at that site with the really annoying "subscribe" ad you point to goes on to demand Obama's impeachment, apparently for pressing the UN to pass a resolution again persecution of gay people. Is today the anti-gay bigotry day?

    • Fare la Volpe

      You mean like every other day?

      • SorosBot

        I mean on the Wonkette here, or rather it's stories about stupid anti-gay bigots.

      • elviouslyqueer

        "If it's Wednesday, it must be Hate the Gays Day!"

    • __kth__

      SRsly: one hears a lot of kvetching about "will online advertising ever succeed", and I think, "not as long as I get popup ads for Obama's birth certificate at the stone commie sites I like to hang out at".

  • DaRooster

    She wasn't saved by a bureaucrat, and no government mandate forced her parents to purchase the coverage that saved her…

    Had it been up to an insurance company… the would have been denied, toot-sweet.

  • baconzgood

    "Obama dances in the daiseys and frollics with the rich…" This from GOPUSA……HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!!!!! (wiping a tear) That's rich.

    • KenLayIsAlive

      "Well Mr. Koch, a vacation with you guys in Monterey sounds fantastic."

      – Governor Scott Walker

  • EdFlintstone

    I think I was exposed to a damaging number of millisieverts of retardation at GOPUSA, quick get me some potassium iodide.

  • pinkocommi

    Well, Southerners know all about death panels. Once upon a time, they were called the KKK.

    • nounverb911

      Haley Barbour misses the good old days.

    • memzilla

      The original Boyz in da Hood(s).

  • prommie

    God meant for you to be scared shitless of having sex for fear you'd immediately drop dead of syph-orrea-aids, don't you numbskulls know that? And the mighty HPV virus is stronger than any condom, even any two condoms, this is the only thing that it is legal to tell kids about condoms, under US law, that they don't work.

    • poncho_pilot

      are the condoms in series or parallel. if in series:

      the protective ability (let's call it P) would be the sum: Pt = P1+P2+…

      if in parallel:

      Pt = 1/P1 + 1/P2 +…

      so…if P1 = 2 and P2 = 3 then the series protective ability would be 5 and the parallel protective ability would be 1.2.

      thus it can be concluded that doubling up would give you the most protection.

      in the next two lessons we will discuss a situation involving a "male" condom and a "female" condom known as Parabolic Reservatus, and the Law of Inverted Prophylactics, respectively.

  • mumbly_ジョジョ

    "I thought it was great. It was totally Jim. He had such a great since of humor, great heart.[…]" added Harrison's widow.

    Umm… no. No he didn't.

    • PublicLuxury

      Too right. His heart was given to Dick Chainknee

    • ManchuCandidate

      Ba zinga.

  • natoslug

    The brave Houston man is truly a visionary. If only the whole of the conservative movement would rise up as one and join him. In death.

  • fuflans

    hey houston jim: good thing your last thoughts were ones of hate. that's a sure fire way to get thru those pearly gates.

  • fartknocker

    And as Ron wrote that article, I'm sure he has no problem utilizing the health care system I pay for since he receives his care for free as he is a member of the House of Representatives.

    Fucking hypocritical asshat.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Even better than that: he's a Senator. One of the 100 greatest deliberators in the world.

    • nounverb911

      Isn't being an asshat a pre-existing condition?

  • Allmighty_Manos

    The totalitarian nightmares of Western Europe and Canada (I guess Japan too) are grim reminders that the endless struggle to exclude most Americans from affordable health care is what separates freedom from tyranny.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Oh, no, Ron Johnson's drunk, again. (He is from Sloshkosh, after all.)

  • PublicLuxury

    Blonde haired, blue eyed, muscular, mormon jeebus was created to be paranoid. Just ask teh glenn beck

  • OC_xenon-133_Serf

    condoms cause STDs?

    yes…Stubborn Torpid Discharges

    • ManchuCandidate

      Santorum Terrible Discharges.

  • baconzgood

    "Planned Parenthood doesn’t bother to tell our young people that their own statistician, the Guttmacher Institute, related the following failure rates for contraceptive methods under typical use:

    • Pill (Combined) 8.7%

    • Three-Month Injectable 6.7%

    • Withdrawal 18.4%
    (They are nicked named Super-Dude & Wormboy in my family)

    • Male Condom 17.4%"
    (Exactly why I never ever used them and never will)

    On a side note…The fuckin' Guttmacher Institute? Are you serious? GUTTMACHER!!!

    • TheMightyHaltor

      If male condoms have a 17.4% failure rate, statistically I should have at least 50 kids by now. I don't have any kids, so I guess I'm just lucky.

      • baconzgood

        WOAH there buddy! Is someone doing a little bragging? Little embellishment?

        • TheMightyHaltor

          Hey, there's a manure crisis on. Just doin' my part.

      • SorosBot

        It's almost like those statistics were pulled right out of their ass.

  • Zvi_Bleindmeis

    Condoms cause STDs, contraceptives cause pregnancy, Planned Parenthood is assaulting the public health, criminalizing abortion equals freedom….

    Homer: "Lisa, a guy who's got lots of ivory is less likely to hurt Stampy than a guy whose ivory supplies are low."

    • Weenus299

      Bullets cause peace.

      • widestanceroman

        Pubic hair causes crime.

        • horsedreamer_1

          Don't know about that, but it does make Hefner break out in hives.

    • FNMA

      War is peace.

      • jqheywood

        Oceania has always been at war with East Asia…

    • FNMA

      Another Homer quote: "Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true."

      • baconzgood

        "By your logic this rock keeps away lions"

  • SorosBot

    "Tuban Durbin" doesn't even make sense as an insult, nor does that bad photoshopping, since turbans are religious garbs for Sikhs, not Muslims. Hateful little bigots are morans as well; not a surprise.

  • MrsBiggTime

    I'll need to visit the online condolence book for Mr. Harrison:

    • MrsBiggTime

      …and please take time to comment that Mr. Harrison's penchant for wearing women's clothing was a personal choice, and he never acted on any of his darker fantasies,

  • Blendergoathead

    That condom story is total bullshit. The only STD I ever got was from a sorority girl, and we defintely didn't use a condom.

    Thus, SORORITY GIRLS cause STDs. The end.

    p.s. It was almost worth it.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Downfisty McTrollscunt is just rarin' to go tonight.

    A round of upfists on the house!

    • DashboardBuddha

      No kidding, eh? I just took a look and it seems I was yet another victim of a drive-by p-ing. Seriously…the points don't matter. In fact, I'm quite pleased and maybe even a little proud of the people that are following me (Breitards excepted), so that's nice.

      But, if you're going to carpet bomb with P at least make a comment…fucking little cowards go about hosing other people's P but are too afraid to saying anything.

      • ManchuCandidate

        Give the loser a break. His only real talent is to shovel shit against the tide.

        • jus_wonderin

          He pisses into the wind too.

          • jqheywood

            And he tugs on Superman's, er, uhm, cape

        • DashboardBuddha

          Well…he's been a busy little troll. I have more zeros than Victoria Jackson's entourage.

    • Blendergoathead

      obConfession: Sorry, Fare, I'm inadvertently responsible for downfisting you… I was upfisting through, but flinched and clicked the wrong button when a big fucking crow crashed into my window. Please accept my sincerest apologies.

  • baconzgood

    Hey listen Troll we don't go on your satire psudo-news site (theblaze) and down fisty you. Didn't Jebu$ say "treat others websites how you want your website treated"? Huh? Yep he did say EXACTLY THAT.

    Oh, It actually doesn't matter because we take care each other here, like a kind of socialist damage control.

  • metamarcisf

    And Gov'r Paul "Pepe" LePage of Maine (R) (Knucklehead) has ordered the State Dept. of Labor to take down murals which depict the historic struggle for workers rights in the state, saying they create a hostile atmosphere for business interests. We don't have to worry about throwing these bums out when they seem bent on self-destruction themselves.

    • SexySmurf

      Because American capitalism is so fragile, the entire system can be taken down with bad public art.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Maine-r here. LePage is a douchebag. He changed the sign welcoming folks to Maine to read, "Maine is open for business".

      • SenileAgitation

        Didn't it used to be "If you lived here, you'd be home by now"?

    • KenLayIsAlive

      Whoa. Is that true? I have to look this up.

  • jus_wonderin

    Why does our "Follower" change his/her name so often? Some kind a freak, I tell ya.

    • KenLayIsAlive

      He thinks he can make you think there are multiple freaks in the same pathetic condition he is in.

      • SorosBot

        Though he hasn't re-added him yet, I noticed the other day that he was even stalking our antisemitic conspiracy theorist NaderKucinichGravel; he doesn't even bother to (or can't) tell the difference between us and his fellow trolls.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Seriously. It's got more personalities than Sally Field did in "Sybil."

  • LabRodent

    I would love to put a OBAMA 2012 sticker on Mr. Harrison death box.

    • jus_wonderin

      We could make a run down there and put one on his monument.

      • LabRodent


    • widestanceroman

      With his own death certificate on the inside of the lid?

    • HistoriCat

      Shit he's buried up in The Woodlands and yes, it's as White as it sounds. A 30 mile drive from Houston to the land of snooty racist assholes – and that's just the Democrats up there! The Republicans are the worst sort of "personally saved by Jesus" tightasses.

  • Weenus299

    When he's all drinked up, he's Bourbon Durbin.

  • Jim89048

    Good luck enforcing the no flies zone, what with all the manure.

  • EdFlintstone

    Dear Mrs. Harrison, I'm sorry at the loss of your husband. As per the instructions in the obituary I want you to know I sent 100 dollars, in your husband's name, to the campaign of Muhammad Abdul. He is running for the Islamic Sharia Law party's nomination.

    • genxr

      That deserves upfisty.

    • Ruhe

      Please post that campaign's web address so I can match your support…for Jim and Allah's America.

  • BornInATrailer

    Every time a pro-life person or organization rants against contraception education my brain does a hard reboot trying to comprehend.

    • jus_wonderin

      Mine does a Blue Scream

  • jus_wonderin

    He's Dead Jim: "To the last, I grapple with thee; from hell's heart, I stab at thee; for hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee."

    • baconzgood

      That's the wierdest Family Circus caption I've ever heard any one quote.

    • Ruhe

      Appropriate. Though in Jim's case it's likely that it's not Whiteness but rather Blackness that is the issue. The mind of an old Republican is a hoary web of prejudices and fears. And of all these things the Black President is the symbol. Wonder ye then at the fiery hunt?

  • Ruhe

    Thanks for the helpful link. My package of "Dick Turbins" should arrive in four to six business days then I'm gonna find me some receptive liberals.

  • dahboner

    How could there ever be a manure shortage in the GOP?

    Dinosaurs make great compost…

  • finallyhappy

    Has the right wing gotten stupider, more racist and homphobic or was I just ignoring them?

  • undeterredbyreality

    Honestly, I really wanted to leave some last words for Jim's insane blended family–what did he have, 3 wives and a step-dad? A Real Ammurrican. His last request was undoubtedly written by "his beautiful wife," who listed her kids in the obit before she listed his. Who knows, maybe he was Newting on her as well, and he loved Obama and this is her revenge? Clearly, though, I'm just not m(e)an enough to do it.

  • Thurman Munster IV

    Another great headline from MSNBC: "Jerusalem bombing kills 1, inures dozens"

    When a bombing inures only dozens, then it didn't do its job

  • Steverino247

    Dear Mrs. Johnson,

    I just wanted to say I'm sorry your husband was so freaked out that a black man became President that he caught cancer and died. I have made a generous contribution in his name to the Creeping Sharia Society of Houston so that those lovely flowers can be planted on every golf course in Texas.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    LifeNews seems to feel that targeting ten year olds with safe sex information is unconscionable.

    Perhaps parents that can't talk to their kids about the birds and bees and keep them from getting knocked up when they're twelve is a wee bit more unconscionable….

  • DerrickWildcat

    Dear Jim Harrison,
    you may be gone but you will never be forgotten, The members of Wonkette have pooled their resources together and donated 10,000 dollars to President Barack Hussein Obama's Campaign in your name. The 10,000 Dollars puts you into the, "Hope and Change Club" and your name will be engraved on a plaque (Between George Soros and Code Pink) on the front door of the White house. This also qualifies you for Obama Supporter of the year from the Daily Koz and Huffington Post. Our donation will make sure you will be forever known as a Champion of LBGT, Minority and Muslim American Rights.

  • __kth__

    KRIV, same (Fox) channel that ran the pole dancer for Jeebus story, amirite? THAT'S HOW THEY GET YOU.

    Also, what better way to show that you were a man of conscience than by willing that fields of thine enemies be sown with salt and spent uranium.

  • TheMightyHaltor

    I guess I was wrong…you CAN die from bitterness.

  • Guppy06

    Quoth the WSJ heart-wrencher:

    "She wasn't saved by a bureaucrat, and no government mandate forced her parents to purchase the coverage that saved her. Instead, her care was provided under a run-of-the-mill plan available to every employee of an Oshkosh, Wis., plastics plant."

    I smell a union.

  • Guppy06

    A word that appears nowhere in the GOPUSA article or its comments: "Uganda"

  • ttommyunger

    Got to hand it to Senator Ron Johnson; running for office while keeping his Porn Name takes balls.

  • Ducksworthy

    Breaking News! Jim Harrison is still dead!

  • MinAgain

    Did you know condoms cause STDs?

    Well, sure. If you trade used condoms like used hypodermic needles.

  • glamourdammerung

    Obama does indeed dance with America's enemies, feebly trying to win their admiration or even a small token of respect. Though in fairness, he kind of does have to deal with conservatives even if they want America to fail.

  • glamourdammerung

    Jim Harrison would be better off asking for ice water in Hell at the present time.

  • The_Great_Gazoo

    I would never buy condoms from the Gutmacher Institute, but I would never put my dick in it, either.

  • catholic4condom

    Condoms work just as well as Chastiy or Marriage vows. They're 100% effective until they're broken.