VISIONS OF AMERICA  12:37 pm March 23, 2011

‘Pole Dancing For Jesus’ Is New Texas Fad, According To Local News

by Ken Layne


Are you an ex-stripper trying to get it together by kicking the meth and oxycontin? Tired of your boyfriend you met at the strip club, that cop, always beating the shit out of you? Can’t afford enough tattoos to cover your bruises and track marks? Welcome to Texas! You know, where you were born and raised! It’s too bad you live in a country where being born poor nearly guarantees you’ll be a single mom and a high school dropout and that you’ll be forced into stripping at some grim honkytonk on the edge of town because it’s the only thing that pays better than WalMart.

But guess what America offers instead of good education and vocational training and child care and health coverage? Jesus! Not the real Jesus, mind you — what, exactly, does some semi-mythological Jewish radical and the gnostic religion founded in his name by disparate Greek communities during the mid-1st Century Roman Empire have to do with Today’s America? American Jesus, on the other hand, gives you the same banal corporate rock you used to listen to on Rock 106.5 or whatever, when you were high, but now you’re all cleaned up again and it’s all about Jesus.

According to this local newscast in Houston, a big trend (two raccoon-eyed ladies sloppin’ around a stripper pole in some mall dance studio) has developed, and it’s all about sliding your crotch up and down a pole while “contemporary Christian music” plays on a boombox. American Jesus loves this stuff — you can even see his cross-shaped boner pushing through his bathrobe.

ALSO: Big props to the guy newscaster, who introduces this important journalist report with, “At first it was Jesus Juice ….” Because that’s what dead pop star Michael Jackson infamously called the wine he made the little boys drink, before he fucked them in his house named after Peter Pan’s magic world of pirates and boy-on-boy torture, “Jesus Juice.” So, it’s basically an unbroken chain from, uhh, the anonymous authors of the Pauline epistles to Michael Jackson fucking little boys to these Texas gals grinding it for da Lord.

Everything is fantastic! [Some teevee thing on the YouTube]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 203 comments }

nounverb911 March 23, 2011 at 12:39 pm

I'm sure Jesus would approve.

DaRooster March 23, 2011 at 12:44 pm

The Right's Jesus would.

Cicada March 23, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Jesus was cool with Mary Magdalene, so why not? He seems like a pretty laid back guy.

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 23, 2011 at 1:21 pm

The great thing about the robes back then, they didn' t show your boner.

OneDollarJuana March 23, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Jesus was a carpenter; he always had wood.

horsedreamer_1 March 23, 2011 at 2:07 pm

& the saw-horse? Perfect for taking her from behind.

HalluxValgus March 23, 2011 at 12:39 pm

I bet you could convince a lot of stupid hillbillies to do all kinds of dirty things just by adding "for Jesus" to the end.

KenLayIsAlive March 23, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Like killing Iraqis.

HalluxValgus March 23, 2011 at 12:44 pm

so we have stripping, anal, killing browns, voting Republican…

KenLayIsAlive March 23, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Somehow 'helping the poor' slips by unnoticed.

horsedreamer_1 March 23, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Hell! They're going to inherit the Earth! Isn't that enough?

SorosBot March 23, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Getting your father drunk and taking terns with your sister in having sex with him so you both get pregnant and continue your family line.

El Pinche March 23, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Drinking-beer-from-a-mans-asscrack-after-killing-"sandniggers" for Jesus

DaRooster March 23, 2011 at 12:44 pm

METH LABBING for Jesus.

nounverb911 March 23, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Is that what the Palin's are calling it?

bagofmice March 23, 2011 at 12:52 pm

I would go with drinking, as it has a textual basis being the first miracle of Christ and all. But then again, I would go with drinking anyways. Call me Noah.

HalluxValgus March 23, 2011 at 12:52 pm

"For Jesus" is like Simon Says for poor dumb idiots

ThankYouJeebus March 23, 2011 at 12:52 pm

In 1999, while driving north on Central Expressway in North Dallas I saw a billboard. White letters on a black field that simply said 'Thank You Jesus'.

I saw its cousin a couple of months later: 'We need to talk. -God.'

That is all.

ph7 March 23, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Did you run twenty red lights in his honor?

tessiee March 25, 2011 at 10:41 am

Yeah, but I received twenty tickets. Damn heathen cops.

cheaphits March 23, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Did you see the one in Plano that said –

"Text me" – The Holy Ghost?

I liked that one best.

Not_So_Much March 23, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Been working out great for my Amway franchise.

Cicada March 23, 2011 at 1:13 pm

I bet "Shockers for Jesus" already has it's own website.

ManchuCandidate March 23, 2011 at 12:40 pm

I'll wait for when the eventual Porno for Christer appears.

The Holy Trinity will never be the same (one of them is a lady boy!)

horsedreamer_1 March 23, 2011 at 12:49 pm

I'm not going to the site, from work, but here's the Google for XXXChurch.
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&source=hp&…

bagofmice March 23, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Have you even SEEN the Holy Ghost? That dude supports the Holy Trinity, if you know what I'm saying.

littlebigdaddy March 23, 2011 at 1:18 pm

I did actually read an article, would've had to be in the LA Times, about some actual porno actor who was also a "lay preacher" (hehe) and was trying to, somehow, combine his two callings. This is a fucked up country, for sure.

horsedreamer_1 March 23, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Universal Life Church?

GOPCrusher March 23, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Bettie Page was reported to be a devout Xtian during her heyday, until becoming a "born-again" in 1959.
Erica Campbell retired from porn in 2008 to become a full time Xtian.

Beowoof March 23, 2011 at 12:40 pm

When they start blow jobs for Jesus give me a call.

ThundercatHo March 23, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Newt Gingrich on line 1, sir.

CrankyLttlCamperette March 23, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Isn't that what Ted Haggard was offering?

Pop_Socket March 23, 2011 at 2:29 pm

That would be Pole Smoking For Jesus.

CrunchyKnee March 23, 2011 at 12:40 pm

I wonder if the Palin gals are down?

bagofmice March 23, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Well, they HAVE been going forth and multiplying. As per god's word.

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 23, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Depends, can Sarah make money off of it?

Negropolis March 24, 2011 at 3:17 am

Have they ever been up?

BTW, I'm sure the Palin's could teach this woman some lessons.

EdFlintstone March 23, 2011 at 12:40 pm

If churches had g-strings for collection plates I would go more often. A lot more often.

Sue4466 March 23, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Jesus + strippers. Is it sweeps week already?

bagofmice March 23, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Jesus was down with the 'hos. The bastard.

chascates March 23, 2011 at 12:41 pm

I prefer the titty dancer with the boa constrictor.

bagofmice March 23, 2011 at 12:58 pm

That phrase makes me wonder what a boa expander would look like.

SorosBot March 23, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Brittney Spears?

horsedreamer_1 March 23, 2011 at 1:07 pm

The violator of the 13th amendment? Why, the very same!

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 23, 2011 at 1:23 pm

So…. Mormonism?

magnetite March 23, 2011 at 3:05 pm

Zhora? Skinjob-lover! Hey we got ourselves a skinj-oh wait, hers was a python. As you were.

nounverb911 March 23, 2011 at 12:41 pm

"Are you an ex-stripper trying to get it together by kicking the meth and oxycontin? Tired of your boyfriend you met at the strip club, that cop, always beating the shit out of you? "
When is Rush Limbaugh moving to Texas?

KenLayIsAlive March 23, 2011 at 12:41 pm

"America is a shining skank upon a pole."

- Ronald Reagan

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 23, 2011 at 12:54 pm

My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will allow stripping for Jesus forever. We begin whoring in five minutes.

–Ronnald Reagan

KenLayIsAlive March 23, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Misunderstanding the joke, Newt Gingrich raised the alert level in his dockers for thirty minutes.

Hatrabbit March 23, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Gorbachev, slide down this pole. (for Jesus)

- Ronald Reagan

KenLayIsAlive March 23, 2011 at 10:01 pm

Nothing more erotic than imagining Gorby in pasties and a g-string.

CliveWarren March 23, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Just ad a horizontal bar to the pole. Makes it way more fun and christlike.

bagofmice March 23, 2011 at 12:59 pm

As the french call it, ballet.

magnetite March 23, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Well hello there, transom.

bumfug March 23, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Nothing new – I believe it was Mary Magdalene who first danced on Jesus' pole.

horsedreamer_1 March 23, 2011 at 12:49 pm

The original "Jesus Juice" was the Magdalene's squirts.

bagofmice March 23, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Nothing like being pointed towards the heavens.

Grief_Lessons March 23, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Finally, a corrective for the Sharia law that's been creeping across the heartland.

ManchuCandidate March 23, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Whoever said "God is dead" was wrong. Irony was found dead today in Houston, TX. It was beaten with a stripper pole, raped by a cross and strangled to death by a G-String.

bagofmice March 23, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Was this back in '84?

Negropolis March 24, 2011 at 3:23 am

Bwahahahahaha!

You forgot to mention that it was raised bodily to heaven.

Troubledog March 23, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Good thing Rick Perry's abstinence program will prevent any unplanned pregnancies.

natoslug March 23, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Watching this video should also help prevent any unplanned pregnancies.

baconzgood March 23, 2011 at 12:44 pm

John the Baptist lost his head to a stripper and the J. man was friends with whores. I see nothing here that conflicts with Christian Doctrine.

horsedreamer_1 March 23, 2011 at 12:50 pm

& JTB gave her head.

Ducksworthy March 23, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Well I don't remember Jeebus pimping out the whores for cash for loaves and fishes or whatever, though.

HempDogbane March 23, 2011 at 12:45 pm

If you are under 18 please click the back button and discuss this topic with your parents.

bagofmice March 23, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Dude, you KNOW your parents are just going to hit "Forward".

KenLayIsAlive March 23, 2011 at 12:45 pm

"I talk to god" she says. "God calls and is all like 'tell me about your panties, and can you make some gagging sounds like you are sucking a dick?' Yeah, I know god is all around me because I constantly hear his heavy breathing and fapping noise."

elviouslyqueer March 23, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Muscular Jesus is not amused, and also thinks that the "dancers'" purple nail polish and Lucite platform heels are tack-o-rama.

ويجا المجلس March 23, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Oh I'm not so sure that Jebus wasn't with Priscilla on that the outback Greyhound.

LabRodent March 23, 2011 at 12:45 pm

I often here the word Jesus being shouted from the VIP room at my local strip club. Oooo that explains it.

DownFist Troll March 23, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Hookers for jesus > strippers for jesus

Hatrabbit March 23, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Jesus tipped.

Not_So_Much March 23, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Jesus tipped made it rain.

/fixed

V5¹6ª℠5½6³9•4° March 23, 2011 at 12:47 pm

May I say that telejournalist Kristin Kane already has a porn/stripper name, an admirable rack, appropriate flowing hair, and the right sort of extracurricular interests to qualify her very self as a Pole Dancer for Jeebus? Plus her little "Squee!" look at the end of the teaser is very fetching.

Do it, Kristin…do it live!

nounverb911 March 23, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Is her sister named Kandy?

horsedreamer_1 March 23, 2011 at 12:51 pm

She might be swimming in the same genepool as Kimberly Kane. (Don't Google that from work.)

V5¹6ª℠5½6³9•4° March 23, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Actually her Website has a beautifully designed (barely SFW) start page. Way too classy for a pornstar.

horsedreamer_1 March 23, 2011 at 1:09 pm

I would expect nothing less from the tech-savvy star of The XXX Files (or whatever the parody of the Chris Carter sci-fi serial was).

Kane played the Scully role.

teebob2000 March 23, 2011 at 2:04 pm

You're not the boss of me!

Oh, shit!!!

SorosBot March 23, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Can other religions get in on the act? Stripping for Shiva! Public masturbating for Mohamed! Bukkake for Buddha!

SexySmurf March 23, 2011 at 12:54 pm

Anal for Allah! Oral for Odin! Queefing for Quetzalcoatl!

horsedreamer_1 March 23, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Truly, la Serpiente emhumada.

KenLayIsAlive March 23, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Are you suggesting Grant Storms is a secret muslim?

V5¹6ª℠5½6³9•4° March 23, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Z[something?] for Zoroaster!

I got nothin…

cheaphits March 23, 2011 at 1:42 pm

The Z job…if you gotta ask…

bagofmice March 23, 2011 at 1:39 pm

What is the sound of one hand fapping? If a log falls in the forest, and no-one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

gurukalehuru March 23, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Flogging and Spanking the Monkey for the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Ramen.

OneYieldRegular March 23, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Does this activity come in gorilla suit size?

widestanceroman March 23, 2011 at 12:48 pm

I'm in the pole smoking for Jebiz camp, because it makes me feel close to God–in a NIN kind of way.

ph7 March 23, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

Psalm 23

baconzgood March 23, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Tee-Hee
"rod and staff"

elviouslyqueer March 23, 2011 at 12:52 pm

But duckies are a girl's best friend.

Marilyn Monroe

littlebigdaddy March 23, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Unfortunately that reminds me of "suffer the little children come unto me," which I am guessing has been the unofficial motto of the Catholic church for awhile.

ويجا المجلس March 23, 2011 at 1:24 pm

win

XOhioan March 24, 2011 at 1:15 am

Damned straight. Or not.

Redhead March 23, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Official motto for the Jeebus dildo!

DashboardBuddha March 23, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Win

GuyClinch March 23, 2011 at 12:49 pm

I love it when around 1:22 in the first clip the hot-lady correspondent tells the anchor that she's going to do a few pole moves herself. I've never seen a black dude turn red so fast. He smiled so hard his face nearly broke.

mrblifil March 23, 2011 at 12:54 pm

What's better is when she actually does it at 2:56 in the second clip with the dawning realization as to precisely what function she serves in the world of broadcast news.

XOhioan March 24, 2011 at 1:20 am

I can't imagine why–this is completely not sexual. It's not like she's Glory Holing for Jesus, which does sound deeply prayerful when you think about it…

KenLayIsAlive March 23, 2011 at 12:49 pm

If you give him $250 and take him to the champagne room, you can nail him (to the cross).

ويجا المجلس March 23, 2011 at 1:17 pm

You're on a roll here KenLay.

KenLayIsAlive March 23, 2011 at 1:33 pm

haha. This story really speaks deeply to me.

horsedreamer_1 March 23, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Up to, & including ("dogs in a bath"), the balls?

KenLayIsAlive March 23, 2011 at 2:27 pm

It's like I've been double penetrated by the holy trinity. (the holy spirit is just standing in the corner jacking off).

Negropolis March 24, 2011 at 3:20 am

You are so bad.

KenLayIsAlive March 26, 2011 at 10:53 pm

Haha. Yeah, that one even made me cringe.

Of course, I also found it to be rather delightfully depraved.

Chillwaver March 23, 2011 at 12:49 pm

In Houston? Holy Fuckin' Rodeo Clowns, Batman!

SayItWithWookies March 23, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Texas — where Christian women, modestly dressed, in a room without men, listening to Christian music and who are required to produce a church program even to get into the class, can get in trouble with the morality police. You know, we could end the whole Libya conflict right now by letting Qaddafi become governor of Texas and letting Libya be a democracy — it would advance the relative level of civilization of both places by at least a century.

mrblifil March 23, 2011 at 12:51 pm

One things for sure, Jesus would be an extremely liberal tipper, though he would probably admonish us all from believing that there is ever sex in the Champagne Room.

el_donaldo March 23, 2011 at 12:58 pm

He could have just one dollar bill and somehow stuff several into twenty garters! Or more! It's a miracle!

Weenus299 March 23, 2011 at 12:51 pm

I used to mess around with strippers in Texas. They could teach a thing or two to Christian Rock-y whippersnappers. Praise somebody. God. Damn.

V5¹6ª℠5½6³9•4° March 23, 2011 at 12:52 pm

"So, it’s basically an unbroken chain from, uhh, the anonymous authors of the Pauline epistles to Michael Jackson fucking little boys to these Texas gals grinding it for da Lord." With links at the Vatican, Dublin (in Jeebus' special little country!) Boston, LA, etc. Glad you realized that fucking little boys is not an unhappy by-product of Jeebus-loving, but rather its real purpose. Sorry, "Catholics," but whaddya gonna do?

nounverb911 March 23, 2011 at 12:54 pm

Is the downfister going to change his name to "Pole Dancing For Jesus" now?

ويجا المجلس March 23, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Likely, but Coprophilics for Jebus would be a more appropriate alter ego.

XOhioan March 24, 2011 at 1:22 am

He's downfisting for Jesus.

SorosBot March 23, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Based on Jesus Christ Superstar at least, Judas.

ThundercatHo March 23, 2011 at 12:57 pm

This is going to be very big at the RNC (Huckabee's booth perhaps) even better with drag queen strippers for Jesus.

nounverb911 March 23, 2011 at 12:59 pm

I knew that someday someone would find a good use for Rudy Giuliani.
http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/election2008/i

metamarcisf March 23, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Naturally, this was a Fox news broadcast. As usual, the liberal media is nowhere to be seen.

metamarcisf March 23, 2011 at 12:57 pm

liberal media

El Pinche March 23, 2011 at 12:58 pm

But can you blame the ladies for their sexual frustration? .They just want to let loose. Their husbands are most likely repubican conservative christians who like to spend their extra time blogging on breibart sites and cornholing male escorts.

PublicLuxury March 23, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Kristin KANE. It is from the Bible. No doubt about it. The story of Caine and Able right there in Texas…

And the other annoucer's name is Isaiah. OMG!

Hawtty Jesus would LOVE this.

metamarcisf March 23, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Wonkette administrator no accept phrase "librul media" – Cheetah upset, Palin happy Tarzan no surprised. Oomgawah.

Tarzan, Cheetah & Palin, Attys at Law

Weenus299 March 23, 2011 at 1:00 pm

For on the night Jesus was to get laid he took the bread and he brake it, giving it to his strippers and saying "take this all of you, this is my body which is given for you. Do this in rememberance of me."

Fred_Wertham_Jr March 23, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Is there a "Jerkin' for Jesus" movement I could join?

CalamityJames March 23, 2011 at 2:43 pm

GOP, RNC, FoxNews, Federalists Society, NRA, Focus on the Family, etc.

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 23, 2011 at 1:01 pm

See, this is what happens if we don't have Sharia Law.

Gopherit March 23, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Given his penchant for hanging around whores like Mary Magdelene, it's not surprising that Jesus would like women riding a pole.

hagajim March 23, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Wow…just…..Wow!

PublicLuxury March 23, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Jesus likes this cause the women come home a bit juiced up and want to pole dance at home making hubby happy and hard while making more babies.

CapeClod March 23, 2011 at 1:05 pm

And after this report was went on air, all the women involved were stoned to death by fundamentalists.

GeneralLerong March 23, 2011 at 2:37 pm

OK, that one caused a monitor spray… Tnx! I needed that.

politics_nerd March 23, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Gangbangs for Jesus! DP for Jesus! AIRLOCK FOR JESUS!

CalamityJames March 23, 2011 at 2:44 pm

I want no part of this until there is a Cosby Sweater for Jeebus.

Redhead March 23, 2011 at 2:51 pm

followed by abortions for Jesus six weeks later?

politics_nerd March 23, 2011 at 1:06 pm

p.s. i like her shinytits blouse

Gopherit March 23, 2011 at 1:19 pm

and those lucite shoes. Work it, Girl!! For Jesus.

KenLayIsAlive March 23, 2011 at 1:08 pm

The spotlights reflecting off the sweat and glitter on a strippers tits. These are the thousand points of light.

Ducksworthy March 23, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Jesus Ken " But guess what America offers instead of good education and vocational training and child care and health coverage? Jesus!" kinda sums up our dilemma doesn't it? Well done.

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 23, 2011 at 1:09 pm

The question is, would Jesus just stuff dollar bills? Or would he go big with twenties?

Jim89048 March 23, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Make it rain, Jesus!

LiveToServeYa March 23, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Oh, Christ on a Pole.

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 23, 2011 at 1:10 pm

This is indeed a good Day for John McCain.

DerrickWildcat March 23, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Pole dancing for Jesus is easier than pole dancing to work your way through College.

Rosie_Scenario March 23, 2011 at 1:11 pm

And He rose again. Fer shur.

AngryBlakGuy March 23, 2011 at 1:13 pm

…WoW, I can see it now: "Get a free lap dance when you put $10 into the offering plate"!!!

Extemporanus March 23, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Jesus died for your tips.

Gopherit March 23, 2011 at 1:20 pm

It's call tithing in her studio.

Extemporanus March 23, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Would "Jesus  danced for your sins" have been more appropriate?

(Lemme tell ya, those pole splinters were no picnic!)

Gopherit March 23, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Poledancing: If you wouldn't do it for Jesus, who would you do it for?

littlebigdaddy March 23, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Yeah, but if you knew ANYTHING about the early church, i.e., had read Teh DaVinci Code, you'd know that the early Xtians were all Gnostic-like. And Mary M. was hawt.

johnnymeatworth March 23, 2011 at 1:24 pm

If only Elizabeth Taylor had lived to pole dance for Jesus….

Ducksworthy March 23, 2011 at 1:34 pm

And remind me again. The pole represents what, Shiva?

BlueStateLibel March 23, 2011 at 1:35 pm

I like the way these women are always named "Crystal"–it's a great way to date yourself as born in the early '80s when your single mom was a big fan of "Dynasty."

LeAlbatross March 23, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Or, that was what she was taking when she and daddy created you…

mumbly_ジョジョ March 23, 2011 at 1:38 pm

It’s too bad you live in a country where being born poor nearly guarantees you’ll be a single mom and a high school dropout and that you’ll be forced into stripping at some grim honkytonk on the edge of town because it’s the only thing that pays better than WalMart.

I believe they prefer the term, "Right to Work State"

Negropolis March 24, 2011 at 3:29 am

That's the PC term; it's really "Right to Shtup State"

Ken Layne March 23, 2011 at 1:38 pm

I thought Jesus was a Stoic. Then again, that is projecting, which is the main job of theology … as poor ol' Jeebus never wrote a word, and was probably illiterate.

But the Pauline epistles — the oldest surviving canonical texts of the NT — do seem gnostic in origin (Marcion, etc.). That is what I meant. But this is a post about Texas christian-hookers doing the pole for the lord, so I don't expect anyone to pay attention to my words, which are written only to amuse myself during the dull slog of "generating content" for a blog.

prommie March 23, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Paul's letters are a textbook on how to bamboozle rich, bored housewives, written by a cranky, closeted homersexual with a glaring inferiority complex and concommitent need to overcompensate. But I really don't know anything except what I learned from John Dominic Crossan's books, so I overcompensate, too. Noone is more sure than someone who only knows half the story. Or, to put it another way, a man with one watch knows what time it is, a man with two is never sure.

ويجا المجلس March 23, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Karen Armstrong kinda makes the same point. At least about 'Brer Paul.

HempDogbane March 23, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Crossan taught me, through his book Jesus – A Revolutionary Life (I think), how to celebrate Christmas. Not so easy to celebrate Easter with his description of the crucifying.

"Jesus was a Sceptic" and these idiots in TX are Anti-Sceptics.

ويجا المجلس March 23, 2011 at 2:13 pm

I thought Jebus was a Steptic, ya know that thingie that stops the bleeding when you cut yourself shaving.

prommie March 23, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Styptic, sir. Not to be cryptic.

BloviateMe March 23, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Seems much more innocuous than Catholicism's PEDARESTY FOR THE POPE program, all things considered.

Extemporanus March 23, 2011 at 1:42 pm

[Headline-related] TRUE FACT:

The sole strip joint in the city of Madison is named "Visions". Ironically, the dancers are not unionized.

Not sure what the place is like now, but back when a good friend of mine worked there (and I, um, picked her up all the time after work), you'd usually find moonlighting middle school teachers working the floor, and their ex-students working the "hospitality rooms" upstairs. Cocaine was accepted (expected?) as legal tender, as were rides back downtown from bumfuck outer East Wash.

Guppy06 March 23, 2011 at 1:45 pm

"Upbeat contemporary Christian music?" None of those three adjectives have ever been used to describe good music, but all together?

Apparently, newscasters have to have shiny outfits out there

BornInATrailer March 23, 2011 at 1:49 pm

For the first time ever, being an atheist has given me a sad.

sportshort March 23, 2011 at 1:54 pm

See? Even Jeebus knows sex sells.

DashboardBuddha March 23, 2011 at 1:55 pm

I had the sound off 'cuz I'm at work…but I like the work that Tiffany "Toll" Booth does.

DashboardBuddha March 23, 2011 at 1:57 pm

All kidding aside…but what the hell happened to Zumba? What's wrong with just dancing?

MiniMencken March 23, 2011 at 1:58 pm

He is risen. And He has $500.00 in twenties that He is going to use to make it rain. Ask Him if He's a cop.

horsedreamer_1 March 23, 2011 at 2:14 pm

That's only 25 bills.

At least have him raining fives.

MiniMencken March 23, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Jesus works miracles. Done. It's now $500.00 in fivers.

MiniMencken March 23, 2011 at 2:01 pm

I believe the Fox reporter didn't get all of the details. The ladies are dancing for Jesús Beltrán Uriarte, whose cartel owns the strip center they're in.

Zombie_Reagan March 23, 2011 at 2:08 pm

You know that tired line from every stripper: "I'm just working my way through Divinity School."

DahBoner March 23, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Finally, a way for ugly Texass girls to get laid …

undeterredbyreality March 23, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Christine O'Donnell's gonna need a shave.

BTWBFDIMHO March 23, 2011 at 2:30 pm

The dancers won't accept 30 pieces of silver; only dollar bills.

BTWBFDIMHO March 23, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Fair enough, there is Muslim pole dancing already. http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_KTHmYo26-Uk/THFAYHAcXXI

Redhead March 23, 2011 at 2:50 pm

"We're trying to get past the stigma of pole dancing being associated with stripping."

Truth =/= stigma

philpjfry March 23, 2011 at 3:31 pm

finaly a Jesus movement I can get behind, so to speak

fuflans March 23, 2011 at 3:37 pm

i don't know much about the theology of all this, but i'm pretty sure that was the most fantastic collection of kitsch, bad taste, awesome stripper shoes and blue nails that i have ever seen.

gurukalehuru March 23, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Larry Flynt was way ahead of his time.

DashboardBuddha March 23, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Stress tested for her pleasure.

natoslug March 23, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Damn, the downfister is out in force today, isn't he? Must be rough, not having a life . . .

DashboardBuddha March 23, 2011 at 4:06 pm

It must be because things are so slow at work. But, does anyone else wonder what it smells like there?

ttommyunger March 23, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Wonketeers who expressed some surprise at this revelation (pun intended) show a paucity of information about evangelical christians. As a Baptist PK (preacher's kid) I can tell you there is plenty of friggin in the riggin goin' on among churchfolk. Baptists are in the top ten; your more pentecostal gatherings have more hugging and groping going on during a service than a gaggle of blind faggots at a wienie roast. My mother used to fix me up every time I came home on leave, usually with one of the church girls. Got laid every fucking time, first date. My son called me during his first tour at Ft. Knox whining he couldn't get laid. I told him to start going to church….no more complaints. All true.

pinkocommi March 23, 2011 at 7:04 pm

I can never hear the phrase "pole-dancing for Jesus" enough. It just never gets old. Unlike strippers.

a_pink_poodle March 23, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Blowjobs for Jesus!

XOhioan March 24, 2011 at 1:30 am

This is a battle between Good and Evil. I'm upfisting everyone to the Pearly Gates.
Insert joke about Pearly Necklace Gates.
Insert joke about "insert"

Negropolis March 24, 2011 at 2:51 am

It seems you can do anything "for Jesus", these days. Are any of these women interested in "Fellatio for Jesus"?

Negropolis March 24, 2011 at 2:57 am

Are you an ex-stripper trying to get it together by kicking the meth and oxycontin? Tired of your boyfriend you met at the strip club, that cop, always beating the shit out of you? Can’t afford enough tattoos to cover your bruises and track marks? Welcome to Texas!

Ken, this is you at your best. No snark, this is just awesome.

Negropolis March 24, 2011 at 3:03 am

I love the part where she says "I don't teach women to be strippers."

No, of course you don't. That costs extra, I'm sure.

Negropolis March 24, 2011 at 3:18 am

"snake handling" lol

tessiee March 25, 2011 at 10:58 am

*sings*
It's raining men! Hallelujah, it's raining men!

LiveToServeYa March 23, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Mistranslation. I think it's 'inherit the dirt'.

DashboardBuddha March 23, 2011 at 3:59 pm

There aren't enough fists I can give you Ken…just not enough.

KenLayIsAlive March 23, 2011 at 9:59 pm

Thank you thank you. In lieu of p-points, I'm accepting someone to replace me during the years in purgatory I've earned for making the last few comments.

XOhioan March 24, 2011 at 1:05 am

Sorry, I'll be busy smoking a turd in Hell.

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