‘Pole Dancing For Jesus’ Is New Texas Fad, According To Local News

  visions of america


Are you an ex-stripper trying to get it together by kicking the meth and oxycontin? Tired of your boyfriend you met at the strip club, that cop, always beating the shit out of you? Can’t afford enough tattoos to cover your bruises and track marks? Welcome to Texas! You know, where you were born and raised! It’s too bad you live in a country where being born poor nearly guarantees you’ll be a single mom and a high school dropout and that you’ll be forced into stripping at some grim honkytonk on the edge of town because it’s the only thing that pays better than WalMart.

But guess what America offers instead of good education and vocational training and child care and health coverage? Jesus! Not the real Jesus, mind you — what, exactly, does some semi-mythological Jewish radical and the gnostic religion founded in his name by disparate Greek communities during the mid-1st Century Roman Empire have to do with Today’s America? American Jesus, on the other hand, gives you the same banal corporate rock you used to listen to on Rock 106.5 or whatever, when you were high, but now you’re all cleaned up again and it’s all about Jesus.

According to this local newscast in Houston, a big trend (two raccoon-eyed ladies sloppin’ around a stripper pole in some mall dance studio) has developed, and it’s all about sliding your crotch up and down a pole while “contemporary Christian music” plays on a boombox. American Jesus loves this stuff — you can even see his cross-shaped boner pushing through his bathrobe.

ALSO: Big props to the guy newscaster, who introduces this important journalist report with, “At first it was Jesus Juice ….” Because that’s what dead pop star Michael Jackson infamously called the wine he made the little boys drink, before he fucked them in his house named after Peter Pan’s magic world of pirates and boy-on-boy torture, “Jesus Juice.” So, it’s basically an unbroken chain from, uhh, the anonymous authors of the Pauline epistles to Michael Jackson fucking little boys to these Texas gals grinding it for da Lord.

 
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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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203 comments

  1. HalluxValgus

    I bet you could convince a lot of stupid hillbillies to do all kinds of dirty things just by adding "for Jesus" to the end.

        1. SorosBot

          Getting your father drunk and taking terns with your sister in having sex with him so you both get pregnant and continue your family line.

      1. bagofmice

        I would go with drinking, as it has a textual basis being the first miracle of Christ and all. But then again, I would go with drinking anyways. Call me Noah.

    1. ThankYouJeebus

      In 1999, while driving north on Central Expressway in North Dallas I saw a billboard. White letters on a black field that simply said 'Thank You Jesus'.

      I saw its cousin a couple of months later: 'We need to talk. -God.'

      That is all.

    1. bagofmice

      Have you even SEEN the Holy Ghost? That dude supports the Holy Trinity, if you know what I'm saying.

    2. littlebigdaddy

      I did actually read an article, would've had to be in the LA Times, about some actual porno actor who was also a "lay preacher" (hehe) and was trying to, somehow, combine his two callings. This is a fucked up country, for sure.

    3. GOPCrusher

      Bettie Page was reported to be a devout Xtian during her heyday, until becoming a "born-again" in 1959.
      Erica Campbell retired from porn in 2008 to become a full time Xtian.

    1. magnetite

      Zhora? Skinjob-lover! Hey we got ourselves a skinj-oh wait, hers was a python. As you were.

  2. nounverb911

    "Are you an ex-stripper trying to get it together by kicking the meth and oxycontin? Tired of your boyfriend you met at the strip club, that cop, always beating the shit out of you? "
    When is Rush Limbaugh moving to Texas?

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will allow stripping for Jesus forever. We begin whoring in five minutes.

      –Ronnald Reagan

  3. ManchuCandidate

    Whoever said "God is dead" was wrong. Irony was found dead today in Houston, TX. It was beaten with a stripper pole, raped by a cross and strangled to death by a G-String.

  4. baconzgood

    John the Baptist lost his head to a stripper and the J. man was friends with whores. I see nothing here that conflicts with Christian Doctrine.

    1. Ducksworthy

      Well I don't remember Jeebus pimping out the whores for cash for loaves and fishes or whatever, though.

  5. HempDogbane

    If you are under 18 please click the back button and discuss this topic with your parents.

  6. KenLayIsAlive

    "I talk to god" she says. "God calls and is all like 'tell me about your panties, and can you make some gagging sounds like you are sucking a dick?' Yeah, I know god is all around me because I constantly hear his heavy breathing and fapping noise."

  7. elviouslyqueer

    Muscular Jesus is not amused, and also thinks that the "dancers'" purple nail polish and Lucite platform heels are tack-o-rama.

  8. LabRodent

    I often here the word Jesus being shouted from the VIP room at my local strip club. Oooo that explains it.

  9. V5¹6ª℠5½6³9•4°

    May I say that telejournalist Kristin Kane already has a porn/stripper name, an admirable rack, appropriate flowing hair, and the right sort of extracurricular interests to qualify her very self as a Pole Dancer for Jeebus? Plus her little "Squee!" look at the end of the teaser is very fetching.

    Do it, Kristin…do it live!

    1. horsedreamer_1

      She might be swimming in the same genepool as Kimberly Kane. (Don't Google that from work.)

      1. V5¹6ª℠5½6³9•4°

        Actually her Website has a beautifully designed (barely SFW) start page. Way too classy for a pornstar.

        1. horsedreamer_1

          I would expect nothing less from the tech-savvy star of The XXX Files (or whatever the parody of the Chris Carter sci-fi serial was).

          Kane played the Scully role.

  10. SorosBot

    Can other religions get in on the act? Stripping for Shiva! Public masturbating for Mohamed! Bukkake for Buddha!

    1. bagofmice

      What is the sound of one hand fapping? If a log falls in the forest, and no-one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

  11. widestanceroman

    I'm in the pole smoking for Jebiz camp, because it makes me feel close to God–in a NIN kind of way.

      1. littlebigdaddy

        Unfortunately that reminds me of "suffer the little children come unto me," which I am guessing has been the unofficial motto of the Catholic church for awhile.

  12. GuyClinch

    I love it when around 1:22 in the first clip the hot-lady correspondent tells the anchor that she's going to do a few pole moves herself. I've never seen a black dude turn red so fast. He smiled so hard his face nearly broke.

    1. mrblifil

      What's better is when she actually does it at 2:56 in the second clip with the dawning realization as to precisely what function she serves in the world of broadcast news.

    2. XOhioan

      I can't imagine why–this is completely not sexual. It's not like she's Glory Holing for Jesus, which does sound deeply prayerful when you think about it…

          1. KenLayIsAlive

            Thank you thank you. In lieu of p-points, I'm accepting someone to replace me during the years in purgatory I've earned for making the last few comments.

  13. SayItWithWookies

    Texas — where Christian women, modestly dressed, in a room without men, listening to Christian music and who are required to produce a church program even to get into the class, can get in trouble with the morality police. You know, we could end the whole Libya conflict right now by letting Qaddafi become governor of Texas and letting Libya be a democracy — it would advance the relative level of civilization of both places by at least a century.

  14. mrblifil

    One things for sure, Jesus would be an extremely liberal tipper, though he would probably admonish us all from believing that there is ever sex in the Champagne Room.

    1. el_donaldo

      He could have just one dollar bill and somehow stuff several into twenty garters! Or more! It's a miracle!

  15. Weenus299

    I used to mess around with strippers in Texas. They could teach a thing or two to Christian Rock-y whippersnappers. Praise somebody. God. Damn.

  16. V5¹6ª℠5½6³9•4°

    "So, it’s basically an unbroken chain from, uhh, the anonymous authors of the Pauline epistles to Michael Jackson fucking little boys to these Texas gals grinding it for da Lord." With links at the Vatican, Dublin (in Jeebus' special little country!) Boston, LA, etc. Glad you realized that fucking little boys is not an unhappy by-product of Jeebus-loving, but rather its real purpose. Sorry, "Catholics," but whaddya gonna do?

  17. ThundercatHo

    This is going to be very big at the RNC (Huckabee's booth perhaps) even better with drag queen strippers for Jesus.

  18. metamarcisf

    Naturally, this was a Fox news broadcast. As usual, the liberal media is nowhere to be seen.

  19. El Pinche

    But can you blame the ladies for their sexual frustration? .They just want to let loose. Their husbands are most likely repubican conservative christians who like to spend their extra time blogging on breibart sites and cornholing male escorts.

  20. PublicLuxury

    Kristin KANE. It is from the Bible. No doubt about it. The story of Caine and Able right there in Texas…

    And the other annoucer's name is Isaiah. OMG!

    Hawtty Jesus would LOVE this.

  21. metamarcisf

    Wonkette administrator no accept phrase "librul media" – Cheetah upset, Palin happy Tarzan no surprised. Oomgawah.

    Tarzan, Cheetah & Palin, Attys at Law

  22. Weenus299

    For on the night Jesus was to get laid he took the bread and he brake it, giving it to his strippers and saying "take this all of you, this is my body which is given for you. Do this in rememberance of me."

  23. Gopherit

    Given his penchant for hanging around whores like Mary Magdelene, it's not surprising that Jesus would like women riding a pole.

  24. PublicLuxury

    Jesus likes this cause the women come home a bit juiced up and want to pole dance at home making hubby happy and hard while making more babies.

  25. CapeClod

    And after this report was went on air, all the women involved were stoned to death by fundamentalists.

  26. Ducksworthy

    Jesus Ken " But guess what America offers instead of good education and vocational training and child care and health coverage? Jesus!" kinda sums up our dilemma doesn't it? Well done.

  27. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    The question is, would Jesus just stuff dollar bills? Or would he go big with twenties?

  28. AngryBlakGuy

    …WoW, I can see it now: "Get a free lap dance when you put $10 into the offering plate"!!!

  29. littlebigdaddy

    Yeah, but if you knew ANYTHING about the early church, i.e., had read Teh DaVinci Code, you'd know that the early Xtians were all Gnostic-like. And Mary M. was hawt.

  30. BlueStateLibel

    I like the way these women are always named "Crystal"–it's a great way to date yourself as born in the early '80s when your single mom was a big fan of "Dynasty."

  31. mumbly_ジョジョ

    It’s too bad you live in a country where being born poor nearly guarantees you’ll be a single mom and a high school dropout and that you’ll be forced into stripping at some grim honkytonk on the edge of town because it’s the only thing that pays better than WalMart.

    I believe they prefer the term, "Right to Work State"

  32. Ken Layne

    I thought Jesus was a Stoic. Then again, that is projecting, which is the main job of theology … as poor ol' Jeebus never wrote a word, and was probably illiterate.

    But the Pauline epistles — the oldest surviving canonical texts of the NT — do seem gnostic in origin (Marcion, etc.). That is what I meant. But this is a post about Texas christian-hookers doing the pole for the lord, so I don't expect anyone to pay attention to my words, which are written only to amuse myself during the dull slog of "generating content" for a blog.

    1. prommie

      Paul's letters are a textbook on how to bamboozle rich, bored housewives, written by a cranky, closeted homersexual with a glaring inferiority complex and concommitent need to overcompensate. But I really don't know anything except what I learned from John Dominic Crossan's books, so I overcompensate, too. Noone is more sure than someone who only knows half the story. Or, to put it another way, a man with one watch knows what time it is, a man with two is never sure.

      1. HempDogbane

        Crossan taught me, through his book Jesus – A Revolutionary Life (I think), how to celebrate Christmas. Not so easy to celebrate Easter with his description of the crucifying.

        "Jesus was a Sceptic" and these idiots in TX are Anti-Sceptics.

  33. BloviateMe

    Seems much more innocuous than Catholicism's PEDARESTY FOR THE POPE program, all things considered.

  34. Extemporanus

    [Headline-related] TRUE FACT:

    The sole strip joint in the city of Madison is named "Visions". Ironically, the dancers are not unionized.

    Not sure what the place is like now, but back when a good friend of mine worked there (and I, um, picked her up all the time after work), you'd usually find moonlighting middle school teachers working the floor, and their ex-students working the "hospitality rooms" upstairs. Cocaine was accepted (expected?) as legal tender, as were rides back downtown from bumfuck outer East Wash.

  35. Guppy06

    "Upbeat contemporary Christian music?" None of those three adjectives have ever been used to describe good music, but all together?

    Apparently, newscasters have to have shiny outfits out there

  36. DashboardBuddha

    I had the sound off 'cuz I'm at work…but I like the work that Tiffany "Toll" Booth does.

  37. DashboardBuddha

    All kidding aside…but what the hell happened to Zumba? What's wrong with just dancing?

  38. MiniMencken

    He is risen. And He has $500.00 in twenties that He is going to use to make it rain. Ask Him if He's a cop.

  39. MiniMencken

    I believe the Fox reporter didn't get all of the details. The ladies are dancing for Jesús Beltrán Uriarte, whose cartel owns the strip center they're in.

  40. Zombie_Reagan

    You know that tired line from every stripper: "I'm just working my way through Divinity School."

  41. Redhead

    "We're trying to get past the stigma of pole dancing being associated with stripping."

    Truth =/= stigma

  42. fuflans

    i don't know much about the theology of all this, but i'm pretty sure that was the most fantastic collection of kitsch, bad taste, awesome stripper shoes and blue nails that i have ever seen.

    1. natoslug

      Damn, the downfister is out in force today, isn't he? Must be rough, not having a life . . .

  43. DashboardBuddha

    It must be because things are so slow at work. But, does anyone else wonder what it smells like there?

  44. ttommyunger

    Wonketeers who expressed some surprise at this revelation (pun intended) show a paucity of information about evangelical christians. As a Baptist PK (preacher's kid) I can tell you there is plenty of friggin in the riggin goin' on among churchfolk. Baptists are in the top ten; your more pentecostal gatherings have more hugging and groping going on during a service than a gaggle of blind faggots at a wienie roast. My mother used to fix me up every time I came home on leave, usually with one of the church girls. Got laid every fucking time, first date. My son called me during his first tour at Ft. Knox whining he couldn't get laid. I told him to start going to church….no more complaints. All true.

  45. pinkocommi

    I can never hear the phrase "pole-dancing for Jesus" enough. It just never gets old. Unlike strippers.

  46. XOhioan

    This is a battle between Good and Evil. I'm upfisting everyone to the Pearly Gates.
    Insert joke about Pearly Necklace Gates.
    Insert joke about "insert"

  47. Negropolis

    It seems you can do anything "for Jesus", these days. Are any of these women interested in "Fellatio for Jesus"?

  48. Negropolis

    Are you an ex-stripper trying to get it together by kicking the meth and oxycontin? Tired of your boyfriend you met at the strip club, that cop, always beating the shit out of you? Can’t afford enough tattoos to cover your bruises and track marks? Welcome to Texas!

    Ken, this is you at your best. No snark, this is just awesome.

  49. Negropolis

    I love the part where she says "I don't teach women to be strippers."

    No, of course you don't. That costs extra, I'm sure.

Comments are closed.