real comedians don't call them 'skits'

Former ‘SNL’ Player, Current Bigot Victoria Jackson Running for President?

The mentally ill are such ideal teevee guests, aren’t they?

For my next miracle, I will turn this Bible into attention for myself.
Oh, good thing she brought that book along to show in case we wanted to buy one. Hadn’t heard of it.

V-PAW
WAIT A SECOND, WHAT’S THAT ON HER PALM? Does that say “NH”? As in New Hampshire? Oh God, this woman is running for president. EVERYONE. EVERYONE THINKS THEY SHOULD RUN FOR PRESIDENT. [Splitsider]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • PublicLuxury

    Do you have to be an idiot to be on the teevee shows?

  • http://www.fifthinternational.org/content/education-programme 4TheTurnstiles

    That's a hotel Bible. You know, the ones from the Gideons that say "Do Not Remove from Room"?

    • DashboardBuddha

      Who the fuck are these Gideons? I've never seen one…are they from Gidea? BH

      • mookwrthwilson

        All I know is that Gideon checked out and he left it no doubt
        to help with good Rocky's revival.

      • Beowoof

        I think they are the pious relations of Jake Gites.

    • DaRooster

      Elaborate set for a hotel room… 'cuz Christians would never steal right?
      (Or kill, or covet and they ALWAYS help their fellow man that is less fortunate)

      • http://www.fifthinternational.org/content/education-programme 4TheTurnstiles

        Right. And Jesus has lots of approving messages for those who like to make a show out of their piety in the public square for personal gain too.

  • Grief_Lessons

    I'm going to pay this the attention it merits.

    Whoops, overdid it already.

  • Conflabberdaddled

    EVERYONE THINKS THEY SHOULD RUN FOR PRESIDENT.

    Can't we go back to the days when everybody loved to get stoned, instead?

    • CalamityJames

      Never realized that we had moved on from those days.

    • Beowoof

      If any of these douche bags think they will be elected they must be stoned, thus rendering your question moot.

  • GuyClinch

    Damn you, Lorne Michaels. Damn you to hell!

  • PublicLuxury

    Homophobe in the news. The weirder the better.

  • Steverino247

    So, Victoria Jackson throws her ditz into the ring.

    • Negropolis

      WIN

  • Troubledog

    Even the other crazies think she's crazy.

    • Sue4466

      Does that make her sane?

    • Beowoof

      Where is Nurse Wratchet when you need her?

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    victoria jackson would kiss a dirty asshole to get a bit part on Glee.

    • Thurman Munster IV

      Dick Chaney?

      • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

        Jim DeMint.

    • chicken_thief

      Christine O'Donnell? No, wait, that's a hairy asshole….

    • horsedreamer_1

      See it now on… UHF!

      • SorosBot

        Now that was a good movie, despite both her and Michael Richards turning out to be bigots.

      • GOPCrusher

        Damn funny movie. But like Dennis Miller, one of those things that I refuse to acknowledge that I enjoyed at one time.

    • EdFlintstone

      Ann Coulter? No thats a dirty cock that was tucked up in an asshole.

    • Beowoof

      Who is to say she didn't do that to get on Fox News and Roger Ailes appreciates it.

  • PublicLuxury

    Jeebus only likes straights. Jeebus would've NEVER help homosexuals or gossips or drunks or drug addicts or Victoria Jackson. Jeebus loves it when "his people" use his books to discriminate against any people they want to target.

    • mumbly_ジョジョ

      Yeah, it's not as though Jeegus spent his earthly time hanging out with sinners like prostitutes, or the unclean like lepers, or race-traitors like tax collectors, or literally spent his time telling people who liked to claim that being rich was a sign that they were chosen by god and that outsiders and marginalized people didn't deserve love or mercy that they were completely full of shit, and that the meek and downtrodden, but honest, were the ones who God loved.

      No, Jeegus actually spent all his time telling people to man up and talking about how much he hated the gays, and also medically necessary abortions, and also that the Indians totally deserve that genocide they're going to get 1700 years from now, because they're heathens.

    • Beowoof

      If Jeebus hates they gheys and the poor so much why did he make so many? Once again I am preplexed and flumoxxed. (Misspellings by design).

  • TanzbodenKoenig

    I just keep telling myself that she's actually just trolling everyone, and that she's not actually losing her humanity before our very eyes

  • Sue4466

    Considering where the bar is set for GOP candidates, why the fuck not? Bachmann/Jackson 2012!

    • Beowoof

      They could save money on official residences and just have them share a room at the asylum.

  • DashboardBuddha

    Stupid ignorant attention whore is stupid.

  • http://www.fifthinternational.org/content/education-programme 4TheTurnstiles

    She's overshooting it, though. Look at the the dues and the hard work Sharron Angle & Jan Brewer & Sarah Palin had to pay before they could milk a presidential run for all the media cash they could squeeze from it. This bitch just takes the easy way. (Although she could easily be governor of Arizona if she wanted it)

    • chicken_thief

      Ain't enough grass in the entire state for her to graze on…

    • Beowoof

      She may be an upgrade. Although her public speaking leaves one to guess Victoriea's level of developmental disability, Jan Brewer who sits there like a rock when questioned is clearly in the vegetable catagory.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    You know, this is the first time she's ever made me laugh.

  • widestanceroman

    To quote 'Little Britain's Marjorie Dawes,

    fat cow
    Fat Cow
    FAT COW

    Yes, I used the same words about her yesterday, but she is still a fat cow, and that is the entirety of my thoughts about this FAT COW!

    • littlebigdaddy

      Is she the one who is amazingly incontinent?

      • widestanceroman

        Nope, she's the hateful cow who conducts weight loss meetings (and calls attendees fat cow as seen in my comment).

    • inedalo

      she's the Linda Tripp for our time, another fat idiotic rightwing b*tch.

      mad cow disease? now we have 2 cases of this in USA

  • pukebot

    is that aunt jemima in whiteface?

  • Badonkadonkette

    Victoria Jackson falls somewhere between Joe Piscopo and Charles Rocket on the spectrum of SNL cast members' relevance.

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      Dennis Miller. Don't forget Dennis Miller.

      • Beowoof

        Dennis Miller sucks since Rick Overton no longer writes his jokes.

    • mavenmaven

      Wait a minute. People still say "Joyzey". He'd be a more serious presidential candidate than her if repeated memes are a criteria…

    • metamarcisf

      That Brad Hall was a real cut-up

  • Cicada

    Liz Taylor was one of the first celebrities to stand up for AIDS victims and she also supported gay rights. She might have had the right proportions for teatard fapping, but not the right ideology.

    • GuyClinch

      Yep, she raised over $100 million for research, and I and many people I know have gone to the Elizabeth Taylor Medical Center in DC to get free HIV testing. I hope they get a lot of donations today.

      • Cicada

        Good point. Here's the link to donate if anyone's interested: http://www.wwc.org/donate/

        The Elizabeth Taylor Medical Center is part of the Whitman-Walker clinic.

        • GuyClinch

          Just did. Thanks for the link.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    From the looks of things, she ain't runnin' anywhere.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Man, that is one ugly, tragic drag queen.

    • user-of-owls

      Edith Piaf weeps.

    • Oblios_Cap

      She's really let herself go.

      • Negropolis

        I don't know if she let go, or if her sanity violently tore itself away from here against her better wishes.

    • Negropolis

      She's got to be the origin of the term "hot mess."

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Gurl…..that hair ribbon is wayyyy too small. I suggest you wear a bigger one if you want me to take you seriously.

    • Dana Marschz

      She's wearing a terrrorist head bow!!! (ala Rachel Ray in Dunkin DonutsGate).

    • elviouslyqueer

      That's not a hair ribbon. It's a helium balloon that deflated directly in to her cranium.

      • bagofmice

        So she's some kind of light-weight air-head?

    • PsycWench

      Maybe one that covers her mouth? She could be taken somewhat more seriously that way.

  • Not_So_Much

    I remember her back in the day when it seemed she was only playing a retard.

  • ttommyunger

    Great! Another young idiot with zero real life experience and up to his armpits in daddy issues seeking the Presidency. What could possibly go wrong?

    • user-of-owls

      We could actually get into a war!

      • ttommyunger

        Or three!

      • AutomaticPilot

        Air strikes over the set of Glee!

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      I think her "young" ship sailed several years back.

      • ttommyunger

        Sorry, this comment was supposed to go under the Rand “Crazy Toupe” Paul article. I dunno wha' happened.

        • Failure_Artist

          Still applies.

          • ttommyunger

            Hahahaha!

  • nounverb911

    Jackson/Bachmann 2012

    Think of the possibilities!

    • DownFist Troll

      The end of USamerica and nuclear winter come to mind.

  • under_score

    NH = New Hampshire are just wishful thoughts of the wonkarazzi. More likely: No Homo

  • CalamityJames

    I love it when 40+ year old adults act like 6 year olds. "Ewww, guys kissing? Gross, I'll cover my eyes so it doesn't exist."

  • fuflans

    and hell she wasn't always zaftig. she just got old.

  • fuflans

    well she'd give sarah a run for most annoying voice award, so there's that.

    • CrankyLttlCamperette

      Can you imagine sitting through and entire State of the Union in that voice?

      (shudder)

  • ttommyunger

    Don't know what's going on with my 'puter today. Don't know where or if my comments are being posted. Oh well. That big collective sigh you are hearing is Angle, Bachmann, Palin, Donnelly et. al. relieved that there is finally someone in the mix who is dumber, crazier and fatter than they are.
    Re. Liz: She's been seeking a novel way to get laid for years, finally, at 79; she's being laid to rest. Too soon? She did, however, enjoy excellent health most of her life, waking up every morning feeling like a new man! Ba-dump, ba dump!

  • CapeClod

    You know, after you have been forgotten by nearly everyone in the country, it doesn't do you any credit to suddenly show up again on television as a fat-assed, stupid parody of yourself.

    • MrsBiggTime

      See also: Ted Nugent, Chuck Norris.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    What I'd like to know is: Did she and Dennis Miller experience their drug-related brain damage at the same party?

    • Beowoof

      Sounds like they both got the brown acid.

  • mookwrthwilson

    I always thought Victoria Jackson was some sort of elaborate drag persona like RuPaul…I guess I was wrong…

    • elviouslyqueer

      I'm still not so sure. Check under Vickie's capacious granny panties, if you dare.

    • finallyhappy

      What!! RuPaul looks gorgeous, Victoria Jackson looks like crap. The drag queens on RuPaul's drag race look better w/o make-up and wigs than that old bag

  • DaRooster

    Well, you TRIED to forget and then people have to go and remind you that it isn't all just some horrible dream…

    • Sue4466

      My bad.

  • user-of-owls

    *Channeling Steven Wright*

    Does penicillin cure VS too?

  • DownFist Troll

    She's a plant right? This is some sort of act, like what that Jockstrap Pheonix guy did last year? Infiltrate the tea party, take on the worst characteristics of it's members and amplify them for comedy reasons?

  • Gopherit

    Victoria, you'd be a lot more convincing terror hating right wing xtian freak without the keffiyeh in your hair.

    Yes, Victoria, you really are a bimbo.

  • Karma_Suture

    OK….. Whose been fuckin' around with the Blue Kryptonite.

  • Steverino247

    Well, now that I've looked up "Tentacle Sex" may I suggest she go for a swim in the nearest Octopus tank. Gotta plug that big mouth somehow!

    • bagofmice

      But octopuses are known for getting into tight openings.

  • ph7

    Well, I'm persuaded.

  • el_donaldo

    I'm guessing that backstage at SNL there are tables of sandwiches and desserts, and Jackson is just assuming that she'll get the same set-up if she makes it into a televised debate.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I've only seen the Rocky Horror episode, but I liked it.

  • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

    Gay men, always shoving their "gay thing" down Republican's throats! Stop it! And by "stop it" I mean help me carry my bags to Minneapolis and do it again and again.

    Seriously, this is a joke though. This is a genius comedy act. Look at her.

    • V5¹6ª℠5½6³9•4°

      The shove-down-the-throat thing is dispositive that this is a spoof, right?

      Doesn't mean she's not obnoxious and unfunny though.

      • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

        Has to be, right? Is she really that ditzy in real life? I thought that was an act. Waving around a Gideon's Bible? Come on.

        Right?

        Oh and yes she is not funny.

        • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

          Whadaya mean Tosh.O and his lafftrack think she's hilarious

  • johnnymeatworth

    Wow, I don't think we've had a ukulele-playing Presidential candidate since Calvin Coolidge. or a ninny shithead Presidential candidate since…oh, wait….

  • SorosBot

    It is strange that Jackson is one of the only stars of the late80s to early 90s SNL who has never been asked back to host the show, or even guest in one skit, it's almost as if she was never very talented and hired more for her (now long gone) looks.

    • PsycWench

      It's also strange how her appearance has gone to hell in a major way in the last 20 years but the squeaky little-girl voice is exactly the same.

  • bagofmice

    Drama queen.

    I was totally going to add a bunch of caveats to this comment, but that's seriously hard to top. Respect.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    I'm going to say something nice about Sarah Palin.

    Victoria Jackson's voice is worse.

    Thank you, I shall now die, alone and afraid.

    • Weenus299

      I always felt sorry for her because I thought she was the mentally challenged person on SNL. Turns out she's just a retard.

      • NorthStarSpanx

        And is it just me or does her "Poorman's Teleprompter" writing only look like she used her hand to wipe her ass?

  • aguacatero

    Another brilliant intellect crushed on the shoals of reactionary politics. Like Pound or Heidegger.

  • Tommmcatt

    The only word that could possibly respond to that comment is the following:

    Win.

  • OvertonWindolt

    That could be the most punchable face I've ever seen.

  • bagofmice

    What, we're not allowed to eat women's hearts? Goddamned sexist cannibals.

  • Weenus299

    She still thinks she's on Saturday Night Live.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/59717543@N07/ natl indecency cmdr

    "fomer SNL star"… "star"? yelling "toonces look out!" does not constitute stardom. now tim kazurinsky, there's a star for you.

    • Jim89048

      It's like in porn, there are no supporting actors.

    • DashboardBuddha

      hah…I was trying to think of a skit she was in on SNL and all I could remember were the Toonces the Driving Cat bits.

      • MrsBiggTime

        I looked it up on Wikipedia (yeah, too much time on my hands) and it seems there were some 13 different "Toonces" skits. All essentially with the same joke (cat drives a car).
        Now, that does explain Vistoria Jackson success, doesn't it??

        • DashboardBuddha

          Pffft – Victoria goes out…Victoria comes in, you can't explain it.

          • SorosBot

            Toonces drives car, car falls off cliff, you can't explain that.

          • DashboardBuddha

            If that doesn't prove the existence of god, nothing will.

  • horsedreamer_1

    She's pulling the Reverse Steeeeeve Forbes.

    Wonder if she'll kick some Rage Against the Machine when she campaigns?

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      If she does watch for a reunion of Morello and de la Rocha to kick her ass.

  • http://www.wonkette.com PresBeeblebrox

    HLN is the Weekly World News of cable teevee.

  • prommie

    He has to check with Mr. Sinatra's family before he can say what he thinks.

    • Beowoof

      Sinatra was a democrat, well at least when Sam Giancanna told him to be one.

  • tessiee

    Faced with the conundrum of how to have all the money and power, and STILL be a self-pitying crybaby with a martyr complex, asstards like this have come up with a very simple (well, it would HAVE to be very simple, wouldn't it?) solution:
    Anyone who they don't like or don't agree with doesn't have a right to exist. Therefore, by existing, they're actually persecuting Victoria Jackson and her ilk. Oh, sure, they may THINK that they're just going about their business, but they're actually perpetuating a terrible, terrible assault against all that is right and good by, you know, going around being all gay and muslin and stuff.

    /snobby voice/ "Oh, blast, Carter! There's some more of those awful poor people we've been seeing so much of lately! Why WILL they insist upon wearing that dreadful inexpensive clothing?"

  • MrsBiggTime

    After what she did to Toonces the Driving Cat? Miss Jackson, please, bitch.

    • BornInATrailer

      Ms Jackson if you're nasty..

      Oh, just threw up in my mouth.

  • Buckminster

    Every time one of these idiots opens his or her mouth, Jebus weeps with embarassment.

  • MrsBiggTime

    I want to believe.

    • jus_wonderin

      The Thrust is out there.

  • karen

    Reminds me of Hatchet-face from Crybaby.

  • natoslug

    Jesusfuckingchrist, that is an annoying voice. Should we really be taking moral advice from cheap fucking knockoff of Miss Piggy? If you're going to lecture me about my moral decay, at least use Jessica Rabbit, so I can rub one out while listening.

  • __kth__

    They really aren't crazy. The reason people like Victoria Jackson or Elizabeth Hasselbeck sound crazy is because, in their private conversations, words like nigger and faggot and wetback are poured out like ketchup on scrambled eggs.

    Then you go on TV, and your head is full of these awesome zings, only they all have the bad words in them. So you brain sort of locks up.

  • b[redact]opple

    STRONGLY AGREE.

    Last night I accidentally watched an al-Qaeda recruitment mockumentary on the MTV — it's called "Teen Mom 2," and it's staged as a reality show about the travails of a disconnected collection of brachycephalic web-footed cretins who went and got themselves pregnant instead of forcibly sterilized. It is literally impossible to watch five minutes of that thing without wanting to blow up some civilians. The show can't be real, though, because if it were then we'd have to move to Finland.

  • Tommmcatt

    I would SO much rather watch those boys kiss than even think about someone putting their lips on the makeup-coated hefty bag of lard that has been known these many years as "Victoria Jackson".

  • teebob2000

    She does have *some* tolerance for those not like her. That Aunt Jemima/Butterfly McQueen tribute hair-thing she's sporting is mighty fly, yo!!

    Or is that just an attempt to distract from how fucking fat she's gotten?

  • Jim89048

    Whoa, tough room!

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      Don't sweat it, I thought it was funny, mainly because Teatards think everything was better 40 years ago when everyone agreed with them, selective memory must be great.

      • Jim89048

        Yeah, I meant her no disrespect, I'm a fan too. And 40 years ago I was 19, employed, protesting a (different) war, and getting laid, so yes, things were pretty great 40 years ago.

  • DahBoner

    This woman needs to eat.

    She is downright skinny compared to the average diabetic Teabagger…

  • ThundercatHo

    Can we also see the video of her crying on Celebrity (?) Biggest Loser or whatever? "Boo hoo hoo! It's like I'm addicted to Velveeta and pork rinds. Waaaah! So, it's not fair to kick me off. Screeeeech!"

    • DashboardBuddha

      "Velveeta and pork rinds."

      That actually sounds kinda tasty.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      Ya beat me to it! But I posted "biggest loser" anyway.

  • Jim89048

    Since my morph-thing of beck/loughner bombed so badly, there's no way I'm gonna try it with victoria/ginni.

  • GOPCrusher

    Never have seen the show, but Victoria Jackson is old enough to remember what bagging on a television show did for Dan Quayle's career.

  • jus_wonderin

    I like Glee. I never thought Victoria Jackson was funny. I kind of thought she was, well, stupid.

  • DashboardBuddha

    He couldn't be that desperate. Shoot…he wouldn't poke her with Dennis Miller's dick.

    • MrsBiggTime

      And by Dennis Miller's dick, you mean Bill O'Reilly, right?

      • DashboardBuddha

        Ewwww

  • littlebigdaddy

    Never understood why she was on SNL. I mean, sorta cute at the time, but no apparent talent. Certainly don't understand why anyone cares about what she thinks more than what the the panhandler who sits outside my apartment thinks.

    • SorosBot

      She very convincingly played many different characters, all of whom were dumb blonde bimbos.

  • BadPuppy

    I am SOOO ashamed my screen name on here is connected with that moron. How can we change our screen names?

  • littlebigdaddy

    Plus, she looks like the Kirstie Alley "before" pics. I mean, I can handle a certain amount of flesh on eine damen, but I just think there would be too much flapping.

  • MrsBiggTime

    Brushing up on my Toonces, courtesy Wikipedia, I found synopses of all 13 "Toonces" episodes. Here's one:
    "Toonces and Spunky (an orange tabby) are engaged in a spirited ping-pong match, as an amazed Lyle and Brenda (Victoria Jackson) look on."
    How did this woman ever slip into obscurity?

    • BornInATrailer

      Flippy the Rat was better.

  • DashboardBuddha

    Well…our little troll IS busy today. I wonder what he would say if I juxtaposed Victoria's bible waving with the fact that her Jesus would wash the feet of men with his hair. Ok, maybe it wasn't gay, but it sure as hell was kinky.

    • MrsBiggTime

      Upfist for vigilance. 3-23-11. Never forget.

      • DashboardBuddha

        Yikes, he's busy. It's like trying to plug the dyke with my finger…and I haven't tried that since college.

    • Failure_Artist

      No, that was a prostitute who used her hair to wash his feet. He was still down with the whole washing mens' feet thing.

      • DashboardBuddha

        By gum, yer right! Well, one man's bible verse is another man's kink.

  • DashboardBuddha

    Hmmmm, it seems our troll is focusing on the negative VJ comments. I wonder if the troll is VJ herself?

    Nah…I think fat retarded old whores have more class than that.

  • MinAgain

    She can run, but she can't hide.

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      Well not really run but waddle pretty fast.

  • SaintRond

    That cunt.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    We'll see her next on "The Biggest Loser".

  • JackObin

    I'm pleased she's running, period. Just another bloated, ding-a-ling american female.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Fun fact: Victoria Jackson, Dennis Miller, and Al Franken all worked on SNL at the same time.

  • Negropolis

    Compromise!

  • Negropolis

    Who is Victoria Jackson? Is she one of the lesser Joe and Catherine Jackson's spawn?

    Honestly, she's just pissed that she physically and mentally let herself go to complete hell years ago, and now she has nothing to fall back on, bless her heart.

    BTW, I was a little young for her time on SNL, but I do remember her from Celebrity Fit Club. Anyone else get the feeling she's a raging lesbian? Either that, or she resents like hell that someone else gets a kiss while she hasn't so much as shook a man's hand in years.

  • Negropolis

    Well, Duchovony IS a sex addict, but I think even he has to draw the line, somewhere, right?

  • Sue4466

    What, Sarah Palin's not good enough for you? Bachmann is what, chopped liver? Do we really need this crazy-come-lately?

  • loulouroo

    What, Ann Coulter wasn't evil and stipid enough? Oh, wait. That's right. Coulter is really a dude. Carry on.

  • PsycWench

    Balance, no. Ballast maybe.

  • chicken_thief

    And could use her own back for the whiteboard.

  • bagofmice

    Crazy-come-lately is an epic turn of phrase. Grats.

  • Negropolis

    crazy-come-lately

    FTW

  • bagofmice

    Beck uses blackboards! Racist!

    Backblackboards? Back in Black? I'm so confused!