Like All Living Beings, Rand Paul Is Considering Running For President

Rand Paul may have only given up groping eyeballs in his uncertified ophthalmology dungeon a couple months ago to become a U.S. senator, but he apparently feels he knows enough about the federal government to consider running the whole joint himself. "The only decision I've made is I won't run against my dad," he reportedly said in South Carolina, which is not his home state, and is a place people generally only visit when they're looking to relax on a mediocre beach, incite the region to secede, or, yes, run for president. What is it about running for president that won't let any living American man, woman, child, dog, robot, or even inanimate object ("voters would rather drink a beer with this glass of beer") ever rule out doing it? Why is everyone perpetually about to take a shot at "winning" this awful job?

USA TODAY's Alan Gomez reports that Sen. Paul is expected to visit Iowa on April 2 and New Hampshire on April 28.

Those are also places he doesn't live!

So it would appear Ron will stay out of the race and allow the Paultards to mutate into Paultistics or whatever we will call them. But wouldn't it be more fun if we let the nomination process be a father-son competition this time? Politicians don't spend enough time with their kids. This would be a great way to bond, even if the Huckabee brood makes the debate stage collapse. [ USA Today ]