Glenn Beck Plots Media Empire, Restores Honor

• Glenn Beck's contract with Fox News expires in December, and you know what that means: George Soros is a scheming Puppet Master and/or Jew. Wait, no! It means Glenn Beck's teevee chalkboard lessons and Cash4Gold infomercials will probably be canceled, since only the cream of the crazy milk watches his show anymore. But people familiar with Glenn Beck's darkest thoughts say that he is plotting his own teevee network -- something resembling The History Channel, except more Nazi UFO documentaries. Beck already has a media company -- Mercury Radio Arts, named after Orson Welles' Mercury Theatre, geezus -- but that's only for radio and the Internets and his traveling circus shows. Here is how America's leading "liberal" pay-per-view newspaper ends its muckraking piece of journalism: "Mr. Beck is 'not Oprah yet.'" Haunting words. [ NYT ]

• Detroit lost twenty-five percent of its population from 2000 to 2010, according to the evil Census Bureau. But where did all of these people go? They were kidnapped and taken to Census/FEMA detention centers, in the desert. Just kidding! There are no jobs, not even in FEMA camps, so they probably moved to the sewer and became mole people. They should come out of the sewer and identify themselves to Barack Obama's human-counters, otherwise Michigan will lose another House seat! Burn. [ CNN ]

• Jim DeMint is an asshole. [ McClatchy ]