Glenn Beck Plots Media Empire, Restores Honor

  it's morning in america

Oh dear God

  • Glenn Beck’s contract with Fox News expires in December, and you know what that means: George Soros is a scheming Puppet Master and/or Jew. Wait, no! It means Glenn Beck’s teevee chalkboard lessons and Cash4Gold infomercials will probably be canceled, since only the cream of the crazy milk watches his show anymore. But people familiar with Glenn Beck’s darkest thoughts say that he is plotting his own teevee network — something resembling The History Channel, except more Nazi UFO documentaries. Beck already has a media company — Mercury Radio Arts, named after Orson Welles’ Mercury Theatre, geezus — but that’s only for radio and the Internets and his traveling circus shows. Here is how America’s leading “liberal” pay-per-view newspaper ends its muckraking piece of journalism: “Mr. Beck is ‘not Oprah yet.’” Haunting words. [NYT]
  • Detroit lost twenty-five percent of its population from 2000 to 2010, according to the evil Census Bureau. But where did all of these people go? They were kidnapped and taken to Census/FEMA detention centers, in the desert. Just kidding! There are no jobs, not even in FEMA camps, so they probably moved to the sewer and became mole people. They should come out of the sewer and identify themselves to Barack Obama’s human-counters, otherwise Michigan will lose another House seat! Burn. [CNN]
  • Jim DeMint is an asshole. [McClatchy]
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About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman

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167 comments

  1. mumbly_ジョジョ

    I think a more reasonable explanation is that 25% of Detroit has been murdered in that time/got sick of the whole Robocop obsession.

    1. WunkRocker

      They all moved to exurbs of Charlotte and drive 3 hours daily in their Canyaneros to their temp job as benefits liaisons for Wachovia, BofA, and other legitimized grifters. They will all be out of work (again) by this time next year.

  2. CapeClod

    Great. The chalkboard network. I can't wait until they produce a feature film based on "The Christmas Sweater."

    1. Weenus299

      I swear to the blackboard gods that shit will happen. That's the most realistic prediction vis a vis the Beckster yet.

  3. KathrynSane

    I'm glad Glenn Beck is starting his own news channel. It will go a long way towards remedying the dearth of television programming aimed at the rabid paranoid schizophrenic demographic.

    1. GOPCrusher

      I would have went with The Outdoor Channel, if they can get Alex Jones to do a weekly show.

  4. Moonbatting Average

    Please tell me that the picture of Beck IS 'shopped a little, because if not… Wait, what year did he rape that 13-year-old? How old is Loughner?

    1. mrpuma2u

      The photographic evidence is as clear as a Kenyan Birth certificate. Jared Loughner is Glen Beck's love child.

  5. NorthStarSpanx

    Since Beck's demographic is dying off and / or cannot afford cable news, who does that leave? And with his younger viewers like Laughner and Morlock going to jail, who does that leave? Really?

    1. soildude

      So Beck's audience is "dying off", but yet he TROUNCES nearly every single commentator on MSNBC. Nice!! Also, Beck is the one that got Van Jones – the self avowed communist and Truther to resign for his Obama Czar position. I guess you fools would rather that Beck had kept his mouth closed so Obama could still have a communist at his side!!!.

  6. baconzgood

    Can I be a talent scout? Because there is this deranged yammining homeless transvestite that hangs outside of Macy's downtown which will be perfect for "Glen" 's 8:30 slot.

    1. LocalGirlMakesGoo

      Who was it that said Glenn Beck was basically just a crazy person Fox had showered, shot full of Paxil and put in front of a camera?

      1. CrankyLttlCamperette

        Will she be doing a Martha Stewart-esque show about how to make a good Christian home (Step One: Don't be an ungodly librul and work outside your home — why do you hate Baby Jesus?).

    1. TanzbodenKoenig

      It will be in a special closed captioning for people who's tinfoil is making too much noise to hear the TV

    2. Texan_Bulldog

      Seriously, where would you go to find people who think Fox isn't right wing, racist or Jesus-y enough? Yikes!

  7. bitchincamaro2

    bc2 was ahead of the leaving Detroit curve, by like 3 decades. Do I win a Zune or something?

    1. bflrtsplk

      You win that orange '65 Camaro that's been sittin' on blocks on West Grand Avenue since the riots because, you know, libruls, er, socialist commie fascist arab terrists.

  8. user-of-owls

    Take a peep at the front page on Fox this morning, over on the left, just below, "Book's Claim: Heaven is Real.":

    Can flying squirrel excrement relieve pain?

    Thought I was in the wrong browser for a second there.

    1. BlueMonkeh

      that heaven is real crap made it to the today show, too.

      i only know this because i have a relative on FB that had to post the link. at least no one has "liked" it – yet.

      1. tessiee

        I have the same chance of getting into heaven whether it's real or imaginary, so it's all good.

  9. baconzgood

    "Get up
    Everybody's gonna move their feet
    Get down
    Everybody's gonna leave their seat
    You gotta lose your job in Detroit C.H.U.D. City"

    -Ace Frehley-

  10. OC_xenon-133_Serf

    Dee-troit began this process in the 1970s. I had neighbour after neighbour follow their automotive jobs to Texas, with many going so they could bolt together Suburbans in Arlington with Mexican parts.

    Very fucking sad. No snark here. Corporations left behind the people, the land and a shitload of toxins.

    1. user-of-owls

      The people still there are already packing their bags, ready for the move to somewhere with a brighter future.

      The problem is there are only a limited number of direct flights from Detroit to Mogadishu.

    2. bitchincamaro2

      The Detroit Region Aerotropolis Development Corporation, for example, is hoping to tie business development to airports in the region.

      Hilariously Jetson-y name aside, I assume this means they'll be making it easier for folks to do business in SE Michigan without actually entering the big city, since the only airport that counts is halfway to Ann Arbor. Wha?

      1. V5¹6ª℠5½6³9•4°

        But it's pretty cool: trains inside'n'stuff. The old one was suicidally depressing from an architectural point of view.

    3. Terry

      Deetroit and Chicago, to me, are the urban equivalents of the Tragedy and Comedy masks. They both arose about the same periods, but with very different economic bases. Detroit's base, the auto industry, is fading while Chicago's (agriculture, among other things) is not. In Detroit, you see the architectural glories of the industrial boom fading and crumbling back into dust. In Chicago, the architectural equivalents are polished and preserved and surrounded by modern growth.

      I really, really feel for Dave Bing and am glad that Detroit finally has an honest mayor who seems to have his heart and head in the right places.

    4. tessiee

      The textile industry moved from New England to the South, and when they figured out people overseas would work for even less, they left the South with no more than a lot of carcinogens in the water for a souvenir. There are enough people in China and Africa to account for all the crap jobs left, btw.

  11. EatsBabyDingos

    "these are the eyes of disarray…"

    'Cannabalistic Humanoid Underground Detroiters: C.H.U.D." There, but for the grace of dog, go I.

  12. riverside68

    Riley, you seem like a nice kid, but matching up identical photos of Beck and the AZ killer with a story of the sewer people of LA as told in England is a hell of a way to start the day. I have friends and relatives in England, I prefer not to know what they read about us. And Beck and the killer, you're freaking me out!

    Lighten up dude, wait until noon, and I can go out for a drink, before you post this shit.

    1. mrpuma2u

      Riley, I for one prefer to be awaken with a nice jolt. This was better than a double shot of espresso. Thanks. Now don't forget to make your student loan payment.

  13. ThundercatHo

    That picture is awesome! Looks like GB worked as a mail carrier is AZ 20some years ago. This would explain a lot. Can we send him to Missouri too for mental health assessment and DNA testing? Geraldo Rivera can reveal the results.

    1. undeterredbyreality

      I'm printing that pic up and posting it throughout my workplace. If I still have one.

  14. user-of-owls

    Word is that Beck's network is not going to compete with Oprah, but actually merge the two. The new name is going to be, "The OG Network."

    1. SorosBot

      The network could blend the fantasies and bizarre conspiracy theories of both together! "George Soros and other Jews put the autism-causing pseuscientificgibberish into vaccines as part of his part to rule the world!" "As this book explains, if you wish for it hard enough you'll get to have your own planet!"

    2. Texan_Bulldog

      Before that happens, I think Oprah would rip Glenn's arm off & cram it up any open orifice. I, personally, would pay to watch that.

  15. SorosBot

    Glenn Beck's version of the History Channel will feature ridiculous fantasies and conspiracy theories presented as fact, which doesn't really vary from the current "History" Channel much at all. Less shows on the "history" of following burly rural guys with dangerous jobs around with a camera, I guess.

      1. SorosBot

        Nor are "Angels and Demons Decoded" "Decoded: 2012", "Nostradamus: 500 Years Later" or Nostradamus: 2012". "Ax Men" however is fact based, but not exactly history.

        1. Chillwaver

          Nor is this crap. There's a reason why plenty of idiots out there spend all day switching between FauxNews and the "History" Channel.

    1. TanzbodenKoenig

      Fuck thats probably more history than is on the History channel. I didn't have cable for two years, when I get it back I flip straight there ready to get my nerd fix and its fucking Whale Wars. Fat hippies throwing bad mayonnaise is not history, its not even dignified. I want my 24 "Hitler did drugs and boned his niece" marathons back

        1. SorosBot

          And the History International Channel has a lot of the non-WWII actual historical shows as the History Channel once showed.

  16. Weenus299

    Jesus Christ! I knowed Glen Beck looked a little like Jared Loughner, but holy shit, he's a friggin double. How can there be two doppelgangers and no control twins? Fucked up.

  17. Chet Kincaid

    The missing Detroit population has mostly joined choirs that sing ominous Eminem backing tracks in abandoned movie palaces. The rest are figure-skating in the middle of the street and thus have no fixed addresses. It's what they do.

    1. CapeClod

      While Tom Sizemore provides a creepy tough guy voice over about the city's sterling qualities.

    2. riverside68

      According to the Chicago school they are researching employment options. (Don't you know there is no unemployment.)

  18. Weenus299

    I live in SC. Jim DeMint is the norm for the type of vocalsplatter that's called political talking points.

  19. KeepFnThatChicken

    Man, if it weren't for those better-built, better designed, more longevity furrin' cars.

    But, hey… why are people complaining? THAT'S CAPITALISM, BABY

    1. ArmoredBore

      In other news, the sun rose in the east this morning, the tides have come and gone on schedule, and I'm still not wearing any pants. Nothing new, really.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        We'll always have the wedding photos of Liza & David Guest. (Or maybe we won't? Maybe that photo is some kind of Korean horror film device, with each participant dying, in turn? Jacko (best man), dead. Liz, dead. & you know David Guest has "hepatitis".)

    1. riverside68

      Just yesterday my wife said "These are child bearing hips." Sigh

      RIP woman who launched a thousand dreams

  20. DonnyKerabotsos

    "…Mercury Radio Arts, named after Orson Welles' Mercury Theater…"

    Appropriate enough considering Welles greatest radio success was a dramatization of the end of the world that was so convincing that he scared the crap out of half the country and was forced to go on the air and apologize to the nation, just before he signed a movie contract with RKO.

    "Citizen Beck," anyone?

    1. CrankyLttlCamperette

      Odd choice considering Wells directed the commie, socialist, pinko Cradle Will Rock that got shut down by the government for being commie, socialist and pinko.

      EDIT: We need a revival of that play. Now.

      1. SorosBot

        It's like Beck's constant references to Thomas Paine, which ignore the fact that he was both an atheist and supported radical policies that would be socialist had the word been invented yet.

  21. OurHoboSenator

    That 25% of Detroit's population never actually existed. They were just invented by ACORN/SEIU/The New Black Panthers/Teh Joos! to steal the 2008 election for George Soros and the Kenyan Muslin.

    Buy gold!

  22. Conflabberdaddled

    Glennda, Queen of the partial-butt-aborted sideshows of tv-haunted Desert. No one I'd rather see embrace spin-off, lob into the trajectory of FAIL, and end on the sour note of oblivion.

  23. mrblifil

    Cull received a $249,479 grant without DeMint’s help — though the senator’s aides say they provided guidance on applying for it.

    So…if the aides to a sitting US Senator "provide guidance" that is not to be construed as "help?" And while the esteemed Senator is puffing his chest about socializms, his aides are cravenly massaging reporters to paint them as good guys?

    Jim "hint of" DeMint really is an asshole.

    1. PsycWench

      I can see the next poly-sci major brought up for cheating.."I did provide my girlfriend guidance, yes. But I did not help her".

    2. elviouslyqueer

      In this case, "providing guidance" means that DeMint told the good doctor and his South Carolina constituents to suck it, and hard.

  24. Bluestatelibel

    If those aren't "separated at birth photos," I don't know what are! Shave Glenn's head, and they're identical.

  25. deanbooth

    A year after the controversial Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act took effect, political warfare between the law’s proponents and opponents is trumping the search for better, more affordable health care.

    The point of the McClatchy article is that DeMint is an asshole, but they included the required Everyone's an Asshole line. Gotta be fair, you know.

  26. An_Outhouse

    I can see Beck recruiting Alex Jones and Michael Savage for his network. What are they going to use for filler? Time-Life hits of the seventies? If you have cable and don't block this with your V chip, the state will remove your children.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      If I ever meet you in a bar, I'll be hoping there's bacon on the menu, so I can reward you.

  27. EdFlintstone

    Here is a sample of some possible new shows on Beck's channel:

    Extreme Survivalist Basement Makeover
    Crisis Garden Crashers
    Pimp My Hoveround

    1. PsycWench

      A variant of DWTS had to be scrapped since so many Beck viewers couldn't begin to perform that much exercise. Maybe "Swaying with the Stars" or "Eating Cheetoes with the Stars" would work.

  28. The_Great_Gazoo

    Seems that DeMint (and Haley, and Brewer, etc.) prefer death panels that require prolonged suffering over the more humane Obamacare death panels.

    1. SorosBot

      Why should we waste government money on frivilous things like biomedical research when the rich still have to pay some taxes?

    1. tessiee

      If the deranged criminal grew a little hair, he'd look just like the other deranged criminal.

      Fixed.

    1. not that Dewey

      Not just that; you also get to read about exurban yuppies running up and down the stairs frantically searching for their cell phones. See?

    2. SorosBot

      But with that you also get the fresh insights of David Brooks' pseudo-intellectualized versions of your common right-wing talking points, Ross Douthat's calling modern women sluts, Maureen Dowd's drunken ramblings about her social life & how attractive certain political figures are, and Thomas Friedman's explanations of why we need six more months of war.

  29. GunToting[Redacted]

    Considering the origin of "mad as a hatter" is derived from the insanity common to hatmakers due to the mercury used in the manufacturing process, I have an alternate theory as to the name of his production company.

  30. genxr

    Wasn't Mercury Theatre the show that convinced a bunch of hicks that aliens were invading, so they went out with guns and shot up their own towns? Okay, carry on.

  31. donner_froh

    Detroit loses a staggering 25% of its population in a decade

    If the census bureau would just count all the staggering Detroiters things would be fine.

  32. Beowoof

    "Beck already has a media company — Mercury Radio Arts, named after Orson Welles’ Mercury Theatre ".

    Why do I get the sense that Orson would be so offened by Beck trying to ride his brillance that he would beat on Beck with a full bottle of Paul Masson.

  33. SheriffRoscoe

    A valve system that could potentially save taxpayers billions and can help people live better lives.

    Jesus, not even Wilford Brimley could have pitched that idea to conservetards like DeMint without the convenience of having it delivered right to your home.

  34. starfanglednut

    I've read you can buy a house in Detroit for like $200. I looked online and saw a virtual mansion in a nice neighborhood for $20,000. I'm tempted to plop down a few hundred for a house, and make a killing when/if the city comes back. Also, there's something vaguely appealing about the whole post apocalyptic/artists squatting in abandoned houses thing. Then again, I've never been there and seen the awfulness first hand.

    1. tessiee

      I'm pretty sure there's nothing left in Detroit that resembles a "nice neighborhood". On the other hand, it's not like there's much else to do while we're waiting for our jobs to come back or the radiation to kill us off, whichever is first, so you might as well go for it.

  35. DaRooster

    "They were kidnapped and taken to Census/FEMA detention centers, in the desert."

    Ugh… LUCKY!

  36. randcoolcatdaddy

    Glenn Beck – because there are never enough ways in America to separate suckers from their hoarded gold.

  37. hagajim

    Beck/Loughner = Twins Sons of Different Mothers (with apologies to Fogelberg and Weisberg)….Detroit….no jobz=no people because Detroit is a cold ass shithole and if there are no jobz there is absolutely no reason to be there….I mean the Lions and Tigers suck ass.

  38. ttommyunger

    Speaking as Defense Counsel for Jared Loughner, I am writing to vigorously and vehemently protest the juxtaposition of my client, Mr. Loughner, a simple mass-murder defendant against a likeness of the infamous Glenn Beck. My client is no worse than any other common psychopathic cold-blooded killer. Glenn Beck, on the other hand, is the worst kind of fear-mongering, hate speech spewing asshole. Whereas my client only kills the body of individuals, Mr. Beck is at work daily killing the Collective American Spirit of harmony and good will toward men with his vicious and untrue rants of imaginary conspiracies and plots which smear innocent persons and groups at will. Please issue an apology immediately on behalf of my client, you have damaged his reputation and good character beyond repair, but at least it would show good will on your part. I remain, Albert P. Yawkey, Attorney At Law, LLB, BBS, STFU.

  39. BarackMyWorld

    Jim DeMint is an asshole.

    He's also a dick, which probably means he can go fuck himself.

Comments are closed.