THE HOMOSEXUALS!  1:13 pm March 23, 2011

God-Fearing Gay-Curing iPhone App Destroyed By Homosexual Radicals

by Evan Hurst

Totally gay.Well, well, well, you say, look who’s rolling up into the Wonkette like he never left!  That is right, it is your Reporter of the Homosexual Menace, who has been frankly quite busy lately with his full-time gig at another pro-America website. But he is here to gloat about his organization condemn the activities of Radical Homofascists, who have truly crossed the line this time, by taking away the only iPhone app (besides Grindr) which was ever any fun for the untold thousands of (apparently invisible) “ex-gays” among us.

Here’s the Official Statement:

Truth Wins Out and praised Apple today after the company removed a virulently anti-gay iPhone app launched by Exodus International that promoted “curing” gay people. The move came after 146,000 people signed a Truth Wins Out petition on calling on Apple to remove the app from iTunes.

“Apple made a wise and responsible decision to dump an offensive app that demonized gay and lesbian people,” said Wayne Besen, Executive Director of Truth Wins Out. “The real winners today are LGBT youth who are safer and less at risk for receiving Exodus’ malice and misinformation.”

Besides the fact that it is preposterous to suggest that there are 146,000 homosexuals on the Internet, this is a shameful thing to do to the Constitution, because as we all learned in Michele Bachmann Constitution School, the First Amendment only applies to Fundamentalist Christians and their various bitching about things!  Moreover, what part of “wingnuts will fellate to a filthy death any company’s right to do anything it damn well pleases, unless that company does something wingnuts do not like,” do these homofascists not understand?

This is America, and these “gays” are ruining it for Godly Christians who wish to deny their true selves, in order that they might enter into bitter, sexless marriages, wherein they admit, to people, that they are in denial about the shame boners they get around guys. (No, really, Alan Chambers, the president of Exodus International totally admits he’s still into dudes.)

(Oh, and one time another “ex-gay” leader told people, in public, that his wife’s vagina is “enough,” and that if it’s not, that it’s “his problem.”  Be honest, ladies:  is there anything else you’d rather hear from your sexing partner than that your lady business is enough?  Who wants a Godly Christian marriage?!)

Anyhow, for shame, homofascists!  What is this world coming to when a corporation responds to the outrage of its customers and does something in line with its own policies, but which makes the fee fees of fundamentalists hurt this bad?

We will give the last word to hate group leader and leather-sex photographer Godly Christian Man Peter LaBarbera, who felt led by his Lord and Savior, on the Twitter, to write a cheer for this terrible occasion, which is worse than the Japanese earthquake and tsunami, surely:

Indeed, who can rhyme at a time like this, when all the Fundamentalist iPhones are still weeping so?  That would be, indeed, Too Soon. [Truth Wins Out]

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Hola wonkerados.

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GunToting[Redacted] March 23, 2011 at 1:15 pm

So if the claims of this App-maker are true, does that mean that someone could release an app which CAUSES teh Ghey?

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 23, 2011 at 1:19 pm

What do you think Angry Birds is?

elviouslyqueer March 23, 2011 at 1:21 pm

I thought that was the whole reason for Craigslist CE.

Rad-T March 23, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Yeah, blame it on Angry Birds.

teebob2000 March 23, 2011 at 2:01 pm

I thought that's that those Zwinky things were. That's why I never click them.

Swampgas_Man March 23, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Are those the "Dress up your virtual paper doll" ads? Yeah, totes gaii.

horsedreamer_1 March 23, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Who needs an app, in the Christian Right, when they can just put their iphone on vibrate, shove it in their fart-box, & repeatedly call themselves from a landline?

Cicada March 23, 2011 at 1:18 pm

I am shocked, shocked I tell you, that yet another conservative Christian schmoo doesn't understand the concept of free speech.

Hurr durr, tolerance means everyone who's different than me has to shut up. Because, that's why. *drool*

HalluxValgus March 23, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Pretty soon, these wingnuts are going to be communicating in nothing but hastags.

PublicLuxury March 23, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Teh gays ruin everything, even casseroles.

elviouslyqueer March 23, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Homos hate hotdish. It's in the Bible (just ask Victoria Jackson).

elviouslyqueer March 23, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Duh, homos hate hotdish. It's in the Bible, and is yet another reason why Victoria Jackson wants to exterminate all us skinny bitches.

Also, GAH Wonkette eated my comment!

Chillwaver March 23, 2011 at 1:20 pm

But the app worked for Ted Haggard, didn't it?

Beowoof March 23, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Yeah now Ted is taking it in the ass from his wife with a strap-on. What could be more straight than that.

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 23, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Given that almost anyone connected with Exodus ends up being picked up in a gay club or at a bathhouse, I sort of assumed their app was in fact a hidden list of the best gay orgy sights.

Ducksworthy March 23, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Well to be fair to Alan Chambers, if you're into guys but the gay guys aren't into you, what better way to get even?

elviouslyqueer March 23, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Wait. LaBarbera twatted Signorile? He's just asking for his closet to be ransacked again, isn't he?

undeterredbyreality March 23, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Peter La Barbara, huh? Wonder what s/he's hiding?

LabRodent March 23, 2011 at 1:24 pm

There's an app for that………

DownFist Troll March 23, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Right wing christian fundies calling Left wing gays, fascists. Only in 'merica

PublicLuxury March 23, 2011 at 1:25 pm

What is to become of us? Where will we turn? How will I feed and bathe myself? Teh gay is trying to take away my vajayjay humper. Boo hoo boo hoo. Oh wait. I forgot. This doesn't harm ME at all. So of course the X-tian conservatives are frothing at the mouth.

ttommyunger March 23, 2011 at 4:59 pm

and other parts…

EdFlintstone March 23, 2011 at 1:25 pm

The anti-gay app is part of the Texas board of education's technology upgrade.

jdoleman March 23, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Peter has a whole site aimed at telling THE TRUTH ABOUT TEH GAYZ.

Not that he is obsessed with visions of sweaty gayz sex, no siree.

OneYieldRegular March 23, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Good lord, after all this time, has he *still* not learned to spell his name "La Barbra"??

Callyson March 23, 2011 at 1:38 pm

another “ex-gay” leader told people, in public, that his wife’s vagina is “enough”
I'd bet the rent money that his wife thinks his member is not "enough"

MildMidwesterner March 23, 2011 at 1:40 pm

I'd recommend that you not ride the quiet car. Those people get really annoyed when one lets out even the tiniest of moans.

JoshuaNorton March 23, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Everytime one of these fundie wingnutters invokes how their "freedom of speech" is being denied them, it only proves that they don't have even the most minuscule understanding of the Constitution – or elementary civics at a third grade level.

Have they ever even noticed that the amendment begins by telling the Congress that it "will make no law". The amendment is designed to protect citizens from intrusive government. That is all.

Nothing in it says I have to agree with what they say or I don't have a right to be offended by it and tell them so. But noooo. The teatards and their fellow bigots think only they get to say what they want, and others have to shut up about it

fuflans March 23, 2011 at 2:46 pm

actually i'm pretty sure that apple and disney have a protection clause in the constitution.

finallyhappy March 23, 2011 at 3:50 pm

Yes, Apple is a business, removing the app is not censorship nor is it denying Exodus its "God given right" to be hateful and homophobic. Of course, these people have no idea what freedom of speech or censorship mean- that involves having having an education.

Extemporanus March 23, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Welcom back, Evan!

Were you off somewhere shoving your agenda down peoples' throats?

EvanHurst March 23, 2011 at 2:05 pm


CalamityJames March 23, 2011 at 2:30 pm

My mom always told me "I don't care if you're gay, just find a man with a big wallet and a small dick."

I share this tidbit because I heard you had a fancy new "hob" and I noticed your little p-ness, so I figured what the hell, nothing else has worked.

jus_wonderin March 23, 2011 at 2:40 pm

By this criteria I can no longer date myself. Damn. I was getting along so well with myself.

CalamityJames March 23, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Tell me about it. I just text-dumped myself. Things were great for a while, but the unemployment, lack of education, improper hygiene, and constant masturbation just got to be too much. I hope I'll be ok. I'm really a good guy.

Guppy06 March 23, 2011 at 1:49 pm

"Be honest, ladies: is there anything else you’d rather hear from your sexing partner than that your lady business is enough?"

Since when has what the woman wanted been anywhere near the Bible, let alone Leviticus?

Heck, I'm suspecting the "as with womankind" bit in Leviticus originally meant "without consent."

Troubledog March 23, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Homofascism? Holy shit, I've nothing to wear!

elviouslyqueer March 23, 2011 at 1:55 pm


pinkocommi March 23, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Is there an app for curing Tea Partiers?

finallyhappy March 23, 2011 at 3:52 pm

yes, a real education but most of them didn't get one and aren't smart enough to self-educate

SorosBot March 23, 2011 at 2:18 pm

I like how protecting the right of minorities against bigots is a form of fascism apparently; because Hitler, Mussolini and Franco all totally loved the gays and allowed marriage and didn't allow any anti-gay persecution at all.

Tommmcatt March 23, 2011 at 2:20 pm

So, what will it be, Porn and Meth? A Rent Boy? Some kind of furry pedophillia?

I sense a breakdown in Mr. LaBarbara's future…

Erkhyan March 24, 2011 at 2:52 am

I think that it would be an insult to even pedophile furries (and we furries tend to really dislike them) that this excuse of a human being become one of them.

Pop_Socket March 23, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Being associated with an Ex-Gay conversion group is a better indicator of homosexuality than having a Grindr profile. Not that there isn't a lot of overlap between the two.

mull_man March 23, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Rats – I just wrote an app for curing salami, and now it's getting pulled as well.

EatsBabyDingos March 23, 2011 at 2:23 pm

I'm confused-"app" means "gay escort's belly button?" I thought that was Ted's favorite meth mirror.

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum March 23, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Thank goodness the homeopathy apps are still available.

EatsBabyDingos March 23, 2011 at 2:29 pm

After the story earlier this week about the woman who stuffed 50 heroin bags in her "lady parts?" Boxcar sized vajajay's are not enough. Nor are needledicks, but that's between him and his seagull sex slaves, because one good tern deserves another.

ttommyunger March 23, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Should have left that stone un-terned.

WhatTheHolyHeck March 23, 2011 at 2:32 pm

It's okay, wee downfister. Now that this terrible app is no longer inhibiting your natural urges, you're free to admit you really want to fist-up all our boyishly handsome Wonketteers. All you have to do is ask.

We're here for you, buddy.

RodneyBadger March 23, 2011 at 2:33 pm

Peter LaBarbera looks like a fag.

Erkhyan March 24, 2011 at 2:53 am

Hey now, that's insulting to fags!

phlox✔ March 23, 2011 at 2:34 pm

That's too bad, I was getting some really hot hook-ups using that app.

ProgressiveInga March 23, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Elizabeth Taylor dies on the same day that the Exodus app gets canned. Coincidence? I think not. Way to go, Liz.♡

SorosBot March 23, 2011 at 2:42 pm

I hadn't looked at who this message was too – so the ex-gay self-loathing closet case is angrily twitter-stalking well-known lesbian bloggers, kind of like a twitter version of our downfister I guess. Nice.

jus_wonderin March 23, 2011 at 2:46 pm

I avoid all of this app mania by not owning an iPhone. I do however have an iBone.

jonzin March 23, 2011 at 3:18 pm

I just got divorced and I place the blame squarely on the homos. If there were more people out there like this guy, trying to get the gays to go straight and fighting for the sanctity of marriage, I would still be married!

PalinPussyPower March 23, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Is there a check-in function on this app? It would be a fabulous way for gay conservatives to hook up, covertly.

VeraSevera March 23, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Damn! I suppose this means Apple won't be selling my Plan a Lynching Party app after all.

magnetite March 23, 2011 at 3:47 pm

The app would never have lasted anyway. Apple is a secret, but dedicated bottom. It'll take almost a third of whatever you've got straight away.

bagofmice March 23, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Liberal Fascism strikes again! Let's hold a rally at the tomb of the unknown app.

mookwrthwilson March 23, 2011 at 4:57 pm

I have been screwing with him on twitter…so glad he finally took my bait and replied…hahahaha

EvanHurst March 23, 2011 at 6:32 pm

He sadly tries to talk to me sometimes, but I don't give him the thrill up his leg a response with me would engender.

ttommyunger March 23, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Which do you think is harder; Chinese Arithmetic or a Conservatard's dick in the locker room?

GOPCrusher March 23, 2011 at 5:55 pm

I guess I don't understand the whole attraction to the iPhone. It doesn't run Flash, so you can't download any good porn to it. So why bother?

Come here a minute March 23, 2011 at 6:22 pm

Be honest, ladies: is there anything else you’d rather hear from your sexing partner than that your lady business is enough?

Better than hearing that it is too much.

Failure_Artist March 23, 2011 at 6:44 pm

So how the hell does the app "work"? Because when I first heard about this I was wondering if it was some sort of joke app.

simplyblue7 March 23, 2011 at 9:54 pm

the best thing about being a homofascist are the cute boots!

freddymcmurray March 24, 2011 at 7:34 am

How soon we all forget the old rainbow Apple logo.

Swampgas_Man March 23, 2011 at 3:12 pm

A boot to the head?

elfgoldsackring March 23, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Something like these I imagine (see 1:00 etc etc etc):

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