Tim Pawlenty To Attract Voters With Yosemite Sam Voice

  snow on the plantation

Yosemite Sam: Secret Muslim, just like Pawlenty!Tim Pawlenty has been running for president for years now; yesterday, he made it official in a video that utilized quick cuts and a shaking camera so you couldn’t put your finger on exactly how boring he is. This man will really have to do anything to make himself seem interesting, and in Iowa, he may have figured out one solution: to speak in a rootin’ tootin’ non-Minnesota accent that sounds like it comes from a cartoon. “Weh have the firsst and only gov’ment shutdown in the hundred an’ fiftee year hist’ry of mah state, on mah watch,” said Pawlenty, shooting both of his guns in the air, smashing a bottle of whiskey on the pianey, and buying a slave with the change left over from his bar tab.

“I say, I say, that walleye hotdish Mrs. Ericsson made for the Lutheran church potluck was great washed down with pop, I say, I say.” [Minnesota Public Radio]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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209 comments

  1. fartknocker

    I know Yoesmite Sam. Yosemite Sam is a good friend of mine. T-Paw ain't no Yoesmite Sam.

  2. ManchuCandidate

    T-Paw: I'm a gonna beat that Obamer! I'll beat him-a real good! Now, who turned out the lights? Where's my lighter?
    /sees himself in a room full of TNT/
    T-Paw: Ooooooh boy!

    BOOM!!!

    Barry Rabbit: "Ain't I a stinker?"

  3. PublicLuxury

    "buying a slave with the change left over from his bar tab."

    As long as he's usin' his munney wisely it ain't any uhv are bidness.

    1. poncho_pilot

      this must've been before Socrates Johnson, Strom Thurmond, Thomas Aquinas, and the Justice League wrote the Constitution which banned slavery.

  4. Blendergoathead

    Having photos or video(!) of Ginny Thomas riding him reverse-cowgirl style surface at Politico would “liven things up a bit,” one could say.

    Now I’m going to vomit.

  5. SorosBot

    What the fuck is wrong with the comments? Will this even appear, probably with a squiggly alien thingy? Where is IntenseDebate?

      1. SorosBot

        Yeah, but at least you got a cooler alien squiggle than me; I miss my robot, here in the netherworld of the new/old comment system.

  6. Chillwaver

    I'm not sure which one is less exciting, T-Paw or Yosemite-Paw. Is there a "Dislike" button somewhere?

  7. aguacatero

    He may be an obvious phony loser of a candidate.

    He may have fucked over his state in the vain hope of building a national reputation as a teabagging hero.

    He may be a risible embarrassment when he tries to talk tough or claim gravitas.

    But Pawlenty evidently has the heart of a vigilant downfister on Wonkette, so don't count him out!

  8. bflrtsplk

    DRAGNABBIT, WONKITS! WHAT IN SAM HILLS IS GOIN’ ON HARE?!

    Is all-a y’all namby-pamby galoots fixin’ tah feel tha dadburn commentah MOMENTIM, or ain’tchya?!

  9. Extemporanus

    DRAGNABBIT, WONKITS! WHAT IN SAM HILLS IS GOIN’ ON HARE?!

    Is all-a y’all namby-pamby galoots fixin’ tah feel tha dadburn commentah MOMENTIM, or ain’tchya?!

      1. Extemporanus

        Ah ain’t got no idear, hombre…

        Frankly, I’ma more conflabberdaddled about hows ah managed tah common-tater as if ah was dat dare no good “bflrtsplk” dude!

  10. elviouslyqueer

    Um, Jack? I think all that radiation you soaked up over in Tokyo has royally fucked up Intense Debate. Just sayin’.

  11. Beowoof

    It seems intense debate has been hacked by James O’Queef and his ilk, trying to shut down those whould pick on him.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Cleopatra?

      (I know that's a lousy answer, but it's the one I used last night on one of these "you know who else…" threads, and I got, like, 16 thumbs up on it, so I figured I'd stick with it.)

  12. bjkeefe

    In response, the Haley Barbour campaign released a statement saying, “The governor anticipated this, and consequently, has spent many weeks working on his Sa®ah Palin voice.”

  13. Ducksworthy

    He sounds more like Barbour the Hutt to me. But, as I've said before, he needs to gain 300 pounds to be acceptable to the base.

  14. Callyson

    I gather Minnesota Nice does not sell in the Republican primaries…though I can't wait to see the footage of him trying to sell that fake accent south of the Mason – Dixon line. Southern hospitality only goes so far, T – Paw…

  15. Extemporanus

    FRAGNABBIT, WONKITS! WHAT IN SAM HILLS IS-A GOIN' ON HERE?!

    Is all-a y'all namby-pamby galoots a-fixin' tah feel tha dadburn common-tater MOMENTIM, or ain'tchya?!

    1. SorosBot

      And just as you kept your avatar on the hidden Wonkette, your comment has not vanished like the others.

      1. Extemporanus

        The new radiation-proof mecha I picked up while Jack was in Japan likely explains the inexplicably sticky avatard.

        As for the "FRAGNABBIT" comment, here's how things actually went down:

        - Submitted said comment on Wrongkette
        - Comment posts on Wrongkette, albeit under the name of fellow Wonketteer "bflrtsplk"
        - Whahhh?!
        - Just before re-submitting said comment, I notice a prompt to enter one's name and email address before doing so
        - I then notice that said fields are already filled in with the name and email address of "bflrtsplk"
        - Whuh-whuh-whahhh??!
        - I delete the fields, enter my info, and re-submit said comment on Wrongkette
        - Said comment posts a second time, albeit under my name
        - After refreshing the page, I'm whisked away from the oddly comforting confines of Wrongkette, and find myself adrift amongst fellow shellshocked commenters here on our Wonkette
        - After determing that the twice-submitted comment in question had not in fact crossed over from the other side (under either user name), I re-submit it for a thrice time on our Wonkette
        - Said comment posts successfully(?), at which point you pithily reply to it

        The End.

        1. neiltheblaze

          Ah – the exact same thing happened to me today – except the name and e-mail address was, eh, yours. Seriously. It ate a comment of mine too. Something cute – like "fuck God" on the tread about the In God We Trust bullshit. For a second I thought I'd been ban-hammered – but then I remembered I wasn't on Huff-Po offending the church ladies that moderate the comments.

          1. SorosBot

            The name/email address thing happened to me as well, when I was replying on The Other Wonkette; I think it was the name/email of the person I was replying to, but not sure.

    2. Mumbletypeg

      Except one comment *did* disappear. In which he used a word I am struggling to remember — "confladaddled"? It was so good I was going to make it my username. Consarn it!

      1. Extemporanus

        You be righter than a one-armed cowpoke, pardner!

        It was a reply to SorosBot's question regarding how I managed to keep my avatard pit-chur in the bizarro world of Wrongkette…and thanks to the magic of digital clipboards*, here it is:

        Ah ain't got no idear, hombre…

        Frankly, I'ma more conflabberdaddled about hows ah managed tah common-tater as if ah was dat dare no good "bflrtsplk" dude!

        *(When you mentioned that word, I remembered that I'd copied the comment because I didn't wanna forget it either, and praise Jeebus, it was still there!)

  16. PublicLuxury

    I think Muscular Jeebus is vexing the site. He likey the Timmeh so he is gonna spanky your banky.

    1. jus_wonderin

      "He's so fine. Wish he was mine. That good looking Jeebus over there. The one with streaked blond hair………"

  17. Gopherit

    Tim, you may sound like yosemite sam, but you look like Pepe LePew's ass. No way you'll ever be president. Stop wasting people's money.

    1. WriteyWriterton

      The entire Republican candidate-slate appears to have gone grifter/opportunistic-y.

      Hey! They're all pander-dates! (TM)

  18. finallyhappy

    When will we have a comprehensive list of the crazies and losers running for the GOP nomination?

    1. bagofmice

      Wahoo! He failed to allot and was the only Governor who failed to keep his government running. I get the feeling that he's not too good at his job.

  19. [redacted]hse

    That accent is similar to the "Western" accent that Dub-it picked up at his New England prep school. It also carries about the same timbre.

  20. i_AM_ready

    His normal voice is Martin Prince, so I guess Yosemite Sam is an improvement.

    But yesterday wasn't he going hip-hop with T-Paw?

    Too confusing. We don't want a President with multiple personalities disorder.

  21. DustBowlBlues

    For a price, I can teach him to say "shit fahr," how to execute the negative-positive question, and the key verb tenses to get wrong. Not to mention which gerunds are appropriate for adding "est" at the end. What action should follow, "You might as well . . . ", the fine art of "Whaddaya know versus "Hey" as a greeting, and the proper verbs to use in lieu of ripen.

    For a price, that is. I'm not fixin' to give away this knowledge for free, Teepaw.

      1. DustBowlBlues

        Just don't tell teapah. (How many possible ways can the wonkeratti invent to fuck up his gangsta' name?).

        Bubba, behind the wheel of the Silverado extended cab all wheel drive (that cost approximately 4 times as much as he paid for the trailer that he and Wahneeta– because her parents thought it sounded cooler than spelling it Juanita– and their three no-neck kids live in.

        "Leon, let's go see if Junior Floyd's truck ain't down at the arena. "

        "I've went yesterday. He's already took and got the trash cleaned up from the ropin'. He don't got no more community service to do."

        Bubba: "He is the workin'est man in the county. "

        Leon: "Shit fahr, we was drunk that night, wadn't we?"

        "Whooee, Bubba. Sure am glad it was Junior's truck they hauled to the IMpound." (teepaw might take note that the emphasis is often on the first syllable, regardless –or irregardless as Bubba, Leon and the unfortunate Junior Floyd might say–of how it's supposed to be pronounced.)

        And, wonkeratti who's sorry he asked, there you go. A standard exchange between the kind of men to whom Tiepaw, in his pathetic dialect, hopes to relate.

        I'm fixin' to tell ya': he tries that shit down here and some of these old boys is like to kick his ass.

        1. natl indecency cmdr

          i'm still confused. is "shit fahr" an affirmative? and is it "shit far" or "shit fair" or something else? or is it like "holy shit" in that it can be used in any number of ways, like "holy shit that's good!" or "holy shit look out!" i need to incorporate "shit fahr" into my daily conversations w/ job interviewers. where's my oklahoma-to-english dictionary?

          no-neck little monsters.

          1. DustBowlBlues

            This thread is cold, but I have to answer your question lest you come to the Dust Bowl someday for, fuck, I don't know–to stay in my B&B–and need to for president, or something.

            Shit fahr, cheesehead, don't you know how to talk 'merican? You would probably pronounce it fire. Shit fire.

            You're welcome. Will you be visiting Iowa first?

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      If he ever manages to use the verb "hie" properly, he's got my vote. I'm a sucker for that one.

  22. Barbara_i

    Getting into Wonkette today was harder than getting out of the birth canal all those years ago. I am glad someone fixed it.

    1. jus_wonderin

      It is the new anti-terror stuff. WTSA. Did you get frisked too??? Details (only so we can warn others).

    2. HistoriCat

      So it's not just me? My connection at work is so craptastic these days I thought it was just me. Wonkette withdrawal syndrome is not pretty …

  23. FlipOffResearch

    I was just in the comments with the squiggly aliens and no P score. The comments people make over there don't show up over here. To get around that: go to the intense debate site

    http://intensedebate.com

    log in there. Then come back to Wonkette and refresh the comment section. That seems to work about 80% of the time for me. Good luck.

    1. jus_wonderin

      Sounds like a dangerous mission with low odds. Can I send Ensign Red Shirt first?? The eagle flies at midnight.

    2. emmelemm

      But… in order to log in, I'd have to log out, as it says I'm already logged in. And I probably don't remember my password.

      I'm scared. Hold me.

  24. proudgrampa

    I don't have a comment. I just wanted to see if my avatar turns into one of those tentacle-y thingies.

  25. SorosBot

    Can I haz comments now, maybe? Besides my hidden comments on the underground Wonkette from the new-old system.

  26. pinkocommi

    If John Kerry and George Bush had a baby, it would be Tim Pawlenty.

    John's scintillating presence and oratory skills and George's bad politics and accent.

    1. fuflans

      i heard john kerry today (and am about to again).

      man he is SOOO ornery. course, if i lost to george bush i would be too.

  27. SorosBot

    T-Paw is from Minnasoda, don'cha know, so even if he coulda' pulled off the drawal he wouldn'ta been foollin' anybody.

    1. frostbitefalls

      Keillor's been goin' down south vocally for years too. It's an odd hybrid of effete classical announcer, bluegrass musician and uptight sleepy person. Nobody here except Kevin Kling wants to talk the way they did growing up, it seems.

  28. user-of-owls

    You know, when ImmenseDebate was down, I made some really killer comments. I mean, really, really good. Droll, trenchant, biting…all that stuff. They were easily worth at least 100 p's, so if you don't mind, could you just boost me a hunnert or so? Thanks.

    1. OkieDokieDog

      So it was them? I was cussing at my Verizon connection – which deserved a good cussin' anyhoo.

      1. Rad-T

        dustb OWL blues. That had to be the funniest thread evah.
        The Great IntenseDebate Purge of '11…NEVER FORGET!!1!

  29. proudgrampa

    I can tell by other comments that I'm not dreaming this shit. STOP MESSIN" WITH MY HEAD!!!

    Love,

    proudgrampa

    1. jus_wonderin

      The restraints are for you own good. Though, yes, those are bugs all over your legs. Sleep tight.

    1. PublicLuxury

      No. No. NO. It's "Bless his heart"! That is Southern for he's seriously fucked up and I want to kill him.

  30. FlipOffResearch

    Oh yeah, that last bit of dialog sounds more like Foghorn Leghorn than Yosemite Sam. Which reminds me, we've got a fat mouthed teabagger in my town that I've called Foghorn Leghorn since before there was even teabaggers. You guys should hear him wax philosophical like: " I was a liberal in my youth, but age and maturity has made me into a conservative" like he made that up and not Churchill. Or "The way I read the constitution you should be required to own a gun."

    1. ThundercatHo

      That's right. Soda is the clear stuff you can mix into cocktails or get a stain out of your clothes. People who are round on the ends and high in the middle know this.

  31. hockeymom

    Now THIS is the kind of investigative reporting I like.
    And I'll bet the reporter didn't even have to dress up like a pimp.

  32. SayItWithWookies

    T-Paw wishes he sounded like Yosemite Sam — he's closer to being the love child of Haley Barbour and William Shatner. Without the excitment, of course.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        You don't find his inflection Shatneresque? I could totally see Pawlenty, his shirt torn open, clutching a busty blonde alien chick in his left arm while crooking his right arm heavenward and exulting, "Ah had the first government shutdown in the history of mah state — on mah watch." I can't be the only one who sees that.

    1. predilectrix

      If it's Macalester or Carleton, or maybe some of the UofM programs, she'll be cocooned in a liberal-socialist, down-filled embrace.

  33. Neoyorquino

    Now who can argue with that? I think we're all indebted to T-Paw for stating what needed to be said. I'm especially glad that children can hear that speech. Not only was it authentic frontier gibberish, it expressed a courage little seen in this day and age.

  34. PublicLuxury

    "He sounds like George Bush" (giggle)

    Meh favorite lineh of the broawdcast.

    He acts like him too.

  35. bflrtsplk

    Yosemite Sam was always outsmarted by Bugs Bunny. Ba-da-da-da-da-da-daaahhhh what's up doc.

  36. Rotundo_

    I'll bet he's a great horseman like Dubya was too, lotsa "aw shucks" and "Howdy" but doesn't know which end gets the feed. The sad part is, there will be idiots that will think he's "one of us" with this crap. Satire doesn't just lap reality with these crackers, it spins around it like an electron.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      I saw Farenheit 9/11 in the theater (or theATer, as teepaw might say in his fantasy brogue) because I took the moveon pledge to do that, but rented it later for my husband.

      When he saw Junior Bush use that fucking chain saw he howled–according to the old man, if it hadn't been for the Secret Service that moron would have cut his leg off because he didn't how to use it correctly.

      Gag. I fucking hate Republitards, all of them, everywhere, dead, alive or in a coma.

      1. PuckStopsHere

        I fucking hate Republitards, all of them, everywhere, dead, alive or in a coma.
        I copied this because I want to make it my own.

    2. tessiee

      "Satire doesn't just lap reality with these crackers, it spins around it like an electron."

      I read that as, "it spins around it like an erection."

  37. ويجا المجلس

    Huzzah, we Word Pressers are back out of timeout. For some reason Ken had us in purgatory this afternoon. We Word Pressers, like prommie, memzilla, Dr Zoom, Hatrabbit, and weejee swear that we genuflect anytime the Kitty Pope avatar shows up and we apologize for stealing Wonkette holy water, freezing it, and selling the results as poopcycles Popecycles.

    1. Oblios_Cap

      It used to be that only boxers were referred to as "The Great White Hope".

      Tim is the "Mediocre White Dope".

  38. ويجا المجلس

    Fucking douchenozzle Thumbelina is baaaaaaaaaack.

    Yo Thumbie, are you too afraid of the keyboard to type wordz and thereby show yer ackuhdumbic crudentials, so you just work the down fist clickie?

  39. 教授 Zoom

    Sounds every bit as authentic as when Obama tries droppin' his g's in an attempt at soundin' like jus' reg'lar folks.

  40. Blendergoathead

    All I know is that the next time those squiggly little alien avatars pop up, I'm going to have the goddamned sense enough to snag a few.

  41. LocalGirlMakesGoo

    I have another breitbart troll following me! My p-ness just grew! Thanks, faggots!

    I wanna thank the Academy, everyone at Breitbart TV, FW De Klerk for shaping my worldview, my parents, god, Barbara_i and Crank Tango for believing in me… Thank you all so much. This means so much to me.

    1. SorosBot

      It's probably the same one; it looks like old stalker has changed his name againl; for some reason the mentally ill man unfollows/refollows all of us whenever he changes his name and icon.

      And they're definitely the same guy; note that all of the posts that "liberal=intolerant","unionsrstreetgangs", etc. makes on the Breitbart forums are "lol that's so funy" replies to spanky, except when one of us goes over there.

      (edited because I mixed up who the sockpuppet was a sockpuppet for, how embarrassing).

      1. LocalGirlMakesGoo

        Sometimes I feel really bad about myself for X and Y reasons, but I don't right now because THAT IS LITERALLY THE MOST PATHETIC THING I HAVE EVER HEARD.

        (editing mistakes = higher intellect = sexy = win)

  42. jqheywood

    And in Atlanta, it's Coke….no matter what it really is: "Hon, what kinda coke youuwan? We got orange coke, and 7up coke, and root beer coke…."

  43. Lost_Teabaggers

    Yosemite Samlenty has pretty much decided to emulate his namesake in always being outsmarted, losing every confrontation and never learning from his losses….waiiitttt a moment, I just described Mittens! Okay so if he's Samlenty then Romney is Wile E Dumbass?

  44. Negropolis

    ROTFLMAO! This reminds me when our former governor, Jennifer Granholm, tried to affect a "black preacher" accent during Rosa Parks' nationally televised funeral, and it made me cringe like no other. It was even worse than Hillary's affectations during her campaign. Obama's not much better, to be honest.

    "Wait, is that Pawlenty?", indeed. lol

    Again, this guy is Michael Scott. He is just that unaware of himself.

  45. poncho_pilot

    when i lived in Texas sometimes i would fake a bit of an accent to blend in. i also had to talk a bit slower. if i talked too fast people gave me looks of distrust. probably thought i was a carpet bagger.

    1. Oblios_Cap

      You should have just started yelling "Exterminate. Exterminate" and vaporized as many of the bastards as you could.

  46. chicken_thief

    No Real 'Merikun would have change left over from his bar tab. If he does on a regular basis, I might start hanging out with the fucker.

  47. schvitzatura

    Tim's a Silesian Bohunk-Hessian without no aggression. If you can't (and won't) join'im, beat'im.

Comments are closed.