Innovative New Tenth Amendment Idea: U.S. Citizens Don’t Exist

  make your own passport

But, Arizona state senate president guy, how are we supposed to distinguish ourselves from the brown hordes? Are you saying they have the same status as white “Americans”?

PEARCE: U.S. history, most of us weren’t around when the Constitution was written. But you remember we kind of existed before Congress, the states. We created the Congress, we created the federal government, by compact. Do you know what existed before the Congress, the states? Do you know, you’re not a citizen of the United States. You’re a citizen of a sovereign state. The fifty sovereign states makes up United States of America, we’re citizens of those sovereign states. It is not a delegated authority. It’s an inherent authority that states have over the federal government. [applause] It’s about time somebody gets it right!

Yeah, that’s not what the Constitution says. It explicitly says you’re a citizen of the United States. But it’s pretty cool this important Arizona man can imagine life without a United States! [Applause] What if Arizona was run by dolphins? What if Applebee’s didn’t exist? INTERESTING THOUGHT EXPERIMENTS. [Think Progress]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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115 comments

  1. HalluxValgus

    I like how he says "most of us" weren't around when the constitution was written, 230 odd years ago. MOST. Is there anything Oil of Olay can't preserve?

    1. DashboardBuddha

      Oil of Olay has the restorative powers that only the clarified oil of virgins and baby's tears can provide.

      1. Mahousu

        He had already crashed two planes by then.

        How he managed this, before the Wright brothers were even born, nobody knows.

  2. SorosBot

    Once again, a Republican mixes up the Articles of Confederation with the Constitution. Let's see what that Constitution has to say about his "sovereign state":

    This Constitution, and the Laws of the United States which shall be made in Pursuance thereof; and all Treaties made, or which shall be made, under the Authority of the United States, shall be the supreme Law of the Land; and the Judges in every State shall be bound thereby, any Thing in the Constitution or Laws of any State to the Contrary notwithstanding.

    1. mumbly_ジョジョ

      Well, sure, it says that in words, but the Constitution isn't for reading, it's for waving around and alluding to without elaboration in speeches to explain why people who disagree with you or do things you don't like are evil. You know, like the Bible.

    2. hagajim

      Jesus…you have to cite the Constitution? Really? Do you think any of these dipshits even read it….seems to me they just make shit up and call it part of the Constitution….I wish they would read your post…

      1. BarryOPotter

        Even if they read it, what are the odds they actually understand the thing deeply enough to coherently opine on its contents? Trick question! Can't divide by 0!

      2. tessiee

        "Jesus…you have to cite the Constitution? Really? Do you think any of these dipshits even read it…."

        I'd be amazed if they could even pronounce it.

    3. emmelemm

      Seriously, I'm starting to believe that there's not a single Republican politician who actually even knows how to read.

    4. DahBoner

      I see your point.

      When the Constitution was written, Moses was still riding camels around Arizona…

    5. kingofmeh

      more to the point: "The Congress shall have Power . . . To establish an uniform Rule of Naturalization . . . ." U.S. Constitution, Article I, Section 8.

      Naturalization would there mean "citizenship and how people become citizens." And the part about it being "uniform" sure seems to mean "not having 13 (or 50) other schemes of naturalization."

  3. nounverb911

    "Do you know what existed before the Congress, the states?"
    The 13 colonies and a bunch of people in red jackets?

    1. OC_xenon-133_Serf

      …I'll bite…let's see: over 400 sovereign peoples spread across North America with hundreds of languages and customs that were passed down for hundreds of generations?

  4. PublicLuxury

    Pearce: A degenerative disease first attacking the knowledge centers of the human brain. It causes the victim to spew vile and hateful things. It forces the victim to become Haley Barbour and Ronald Reagan in shape and neuro functioning.

    The outcome: Certain death after years and years of deterioration, causing nauseating pain to society and and economical burden of trillions as the disease is contagious to weak minded chaps.

  5. walstib

    Sweet!

    Those fatties with Ohio plates that fucked up my commute are DEAD.

    Once I catch 'em and prove they're here in GA illegally, new law says I can shoot 'em if I'm afeard for my life so…

    This also applies to all those Alabama and SC assholes I see on 85 everyday.

  6. BlueStateLibel

    Redstaters really just beggin' for another Sherman's March lately, aren't they? Here's your "state's rights."

    1. V5¹6℠56³94

      You mean America's Greatest Traitor™?

      In fairness to Lee the Constitution had only been in effect for 87 years when the Civil War started — still under warranty, in effect. Plus, if the traitors lost, no more slaves, which would've been extremely inconvenient.

  7. Callyson

    "Do you know, you’re not a citizen of the United States."
    Perhaps this is the first step, and next Pearce will move to have Arizona declared a separate nation. Come to think of it, that works for me…

  8. freakishlywrong

    Are they just doing all this crazy stuff on purpose to get us to pay attention to them? Like squalling, horrible, old, fat babies? They can't really believe all this shit, right?

  9. SorosBot

    Maybe he's pretending the 14th Amendment doesn't exist, because that both contains the citizenship clause and is the one the racist law he's defending violates.

  10. JustPixelz

    "…most of us weren’t around when the Constitution was written…"

    That is fundamentally false. The People can amend or rewrite the Constituion at will. The Constitution we have is the one we — we the people — want. That includes all those pesky amendments the TP'ers hate (First, Sixth, 14th, 16th, 17th, 25th … hell, all of them except Second.)

    1. mumbly_ジョジョ

      Technically, true, but there are intentionally high barriers on the process to ensure that it's not amended frivolously or capriciously or to suit a majoritarian impulse- just as the president may be impeached, but it's clearly not intended to be an easy or common practice.

      As far as the Amendment process goes, I'm pretty sure the death of the ERA, which in many ways, heralded the beginning of the right-wing "oppose things that liberals want, for no particular reason beyond the fact that liberals want it" epoch, signaled the end of Constitutional amendments in the modern political era. It just won't happen, so long as trenchant partisanship means roughly 40% the country, and 49% of the Congress, would oppose any particular amendment, simply because it would mean giving the Wrong People something they want. I mean, roughly 30% of people said that the BP oil rig disaster made they bigger fans of deepwater drilling. These are not rational people concerned with with actual policy positions. I honestly doubt the First Amendment would pass if it were up to a vote today, let alone the rest of them.

  11. ManchuCandidate

    How about just give 'zona back to the Messicans? I'm pretty sure US America can live without Juan McCain and Juanna Brewer (if that's her real name.)

    Gopherit, we'll helicopter you out of that place I swear!

    1. BarryOPotter

      Gopherit, we'll helicopter you out of that place I swear!

      …right after you sign this form vowing to pay the cost.

  12. Gopherit

    Russell Pearce is just trying to make an enclave for the gun-toting white supremacists who quaintly call themselves the Tea Party. Brewer is such an intellectual vacuum that she's totally out of her depth when dealing with this guy. Fuck the supremacy clause argument. It happens to be true, but they'll never listen. You guys should just build a border fence around us, and let us become the newest narcostate.

    1. JoeBiteme

      Once again, she was a tragically poor County Supervisor, what the FUCK would make anyone think she'd be a good Secretary of State/Governor? Moving forward, we should really look into electing our Governors…

  13. PabaBritannica

    I think you should have to immigrate between sovreign states. Make sure that we know whether or not every single person coming across a border is illegal. You know some state like Vermont might be just running them into the country to have abortions.

    Ha, won't that be fun for Virginia/DC/Maryland.

  14. horsedreamer_1

    I don't care about Applebee's. As long as we still have T.G.I. Friday's & its location by the Bernabeu in Madrid, so that I can still get dedos de pollo as needed, we'll be fine.

    This is not a threat, though.

  15. ttommyunger

    The scary thing to me is the fact that this bloviating asshat is getting applause instead of cackles, which is just what he'd get from me.

      1. ttommyunger

        Some skidmarks might come off on you. You know these mamma's boys never learned to wash their asses.

  16. Gopherit

    One other thing, Jack. If Appleby's didn't exist, neither would about 80 lbs of Russell Pearce's flabby ass.

  17. hagajim

    most of us weren’t around when the Constitution was written

    WTF? I'd like to meet the old fucker that was around when it was written….I imagine that most of us weren't around the last time the thing was amended much less written. What a complete moran!

    Oh and one other small point…when the fucking Constitution was written the state of Arizona belonged to fucking Mexico (or Spain) – so eat that shithead!

  18. XOhioan

    As a citizen of the sovereign nation of Illinois, I demand that we enforce a no-fly zone over Arizona.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      I would say we should create one over Mississippi, only nobody would a) care or b) know the difference.

  19. MegPasadena

    So if you moved from one state to another, did you commit treason?
    Should you be loyal to the old or the new state?

  20. user-of-owls

    And that's just because it took 7 years to bring news of the Articles back to the home states and return to Philadelphia in order to scrap them.

  21. Guppy06

    He wants to ignore the Fourteenth Amendment (ratified before Arizona statehood), fine. He wants to ignore what being a "territory" meant after the the Northwest Ordinances, that's OK too.

    But my takeaway from this is that this man is not a citizen of the United States, nor is anybody else in Arizona.

    The simple solution is to deport the motherfuckers. And since they're so keen on eighteenth century politics, we should return this little bit of Nuevo Espana to Juan Carlos I.

  22. qwerty42

    Maybe this Arizona state senate president guy is really a subject of the King of Spain. Or the Apaches or Navajos?

    1. Ms Kami Quasimodo

      Yup. The Apaches & Navajos believe we are all illegal immigrants, intruders, don't belong here, &c &c &c and are highly amused at white European immigrant offendedness and indignation at the browns.

  23. __kth__

    No, he's right: AZ plz secede now, and don't let the door hit you on the way out of my country.

  24. MiniMencken

    I bet when LBJ was President, a Jan Brewer would have gotten a telephone call from the White House to tell her that every last cent of Federal money originally headed for Arizona was going to have to be diverted to an important project elsewhere. And that Arizona was going to be an official nuclear waste dump site. And maintenance of Interstate 10 was going to be a state-funded project. No Colorado River water from Lake Powell either. About fifteen minutes later, Brewer would remember her Constitutional law class and this idiocy would be over.

    1. J Rbt. Oppenheiner

      LBJ was the last D president with any balls. And he's been dead 40 years.

      *Clinton had a dick, certainly. But no balls.

  25. atlasspanked

    Obviously AZ Senator Pearce (DB) has it totally wrong. The states are just jackbooted government dictators who have no constitutional authority. County sheriffs are the ultimate legal government. Hasn't he read his Silver Shirts manifesto?

  26. Come here a minute

    U.S. history, most wingnuts weren’t paying attention when the Constitution was taught.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      As a retired history teacher I can attest that the most conservative students came to the course with preconceptions that couldn't even be discussed, let alone changed with hot pokers. Forget the use of precedent and logic. "God (or daddy) said it, I believe it, that settles it." Man, what a struggle.

  27. luke_warm

    So whatever comes earlier has inherent authority over any form of government developed afterward. Got it. You might think this makes us all British citizens, or that this means we're living in a feudal system, but fuck that. Temporary fission-fusion herds roaming Africa have inherent authority over all governmental structure.

  28. fartknocker

    Arizona needs a dang fence around it. Russell Pearce needs to shut his piehole since he's nothing but a racist asshat.

    1. Redhead

      it's sumthin for dem elitists, to drive to in their volvos. bet they serve arugula during lunch too, 'steada whiskey like good god fearin' folks.

  29. glamourdammerung

    Leave it to a guy that goes to Nazi rallies to show us such love of America.

    Note: Nazi rallies like "people dressed in Nazi uniforms with Nazi flags", not "stuff teabaggers dislike".

  30. Tommmcatt

    While we're having thought experiments, can we do one where I still look good in a Speedo and live in the Philippines with my manservant Kato and twin poolboys Virgillio and Romel?

    Oh, wait, I just did. Carry on.

  31. OvertonWindolt

    We motherfucker? Arizona didn't even become an officially recognized state of dust and decapitations until 1912.

    "We" created Congress. Go fuck yourself. You are 230 years late.

  32. PresBeeblebrox

    Oh, these guys. They're the same ones who say that anything that arrives with your name written in ALL CAPS is invalid because that implies you are a US citizen rather than a sovereign citizen, and also that anything that occurs in a room with a gold-fringed flag is illegal and unlawful because that means it's a court of admiralty which only has jurisdiction over the high seas.

    Seriously, I cannot make this shit up.

    1. Jim89048

      Yes, the Patriot Movement. They don't need to register their cars or get a license because they're not engaged in commerce, and all money owed to them (especially by the gummint) must be paid in gold or silver. Brilliant!

  33. Redhead

    "PEARCE: U.S. history, most of us weren’t around when the Constitution was written."

    Speak for yourself! (Also isn't Arizona one of those weird states that's technically not a state but a republic?)

  34. metamarcisf

    Russell Pearce, the 2nd most hated man in the Grand Canyon State, next to the owner of the Football Cardinals, Bill Bidwell.

  35. yyyaz

    Edward Abbey hit the batshit right out of the belfry when he observed that we (Arizonans) have the worst legislature money can buy. That was 30 years ago, and the trend continues. Dog fuck us, one and all.

  36. KenLayIsAlive

    Yes. And what's too bad is that those factories that helped us win the last one are long gone.

    So unless we plan to take on the neo-confederacy with our advantage in hedgefund managers and h&r block employees, we'd better think of something. And quick.

  37. DahBoner

    Most of us weren't around when the Bible was written. It was written by Jews to tell a bunch of other Jews what to do. About time somebody got it right…

  38. Lost_Teabaggers

    What a fucking dumbass….god, have ANY of these assholes taken US history or read the Constitution? The Supremacy clause exists which gives any law enacted by the Government authority over any controverting law passed by the states. It's like these people pretend half the enumerated powers don't exist, either. Congress has the enumerated right to lay and collect taxes and the Federal Government has supremacy over state law. Article IV was created with the intent of purposefully making states weak compared to the federal government…it's why we're a united Republic-Democracy thing and not fuedalist. Even a child knows this….alright that's it, I'm going to bed…enough of this stupidity for one day.

  39. ThundercatHo

    I want to make a fortune selling tinfoil lined sunhats in AZ. Also, the secret recipe for Arnold Palmers.

  40. MinAgain

    Arizona is run by dolphins…giant radioactive desert dolphins who eat lizards and breathe sand.

    It explains so much.

Comments are closed.