Haley Barbour To Win Presidency By Bragging About Being Lobbyist

  false equivalency cat

Pick a more obscure lolcat to plagiarize your expressions from, Barbour.Look, the Republican presidential field doesn’t seem like it’s going to be finding any good candidates any time soon. So, yes, Tim Pawlenty will have to run. And, oh God, Haley Barbour? Yes, Haley Barbour. “‘The president of the United States is supposed to be the principal advocate for American policy and interests in the world,’ he said. ‘That form of advocacy is equivalent to lobbying.’” Ah, so when you see a lobbyist on the streets of Washington stomping on a rat and chewing its face off, that’s the president of the United States you’re looking at, so show some respect. Same thing, by definition! We are all crooks and none of us are crooks.

“They have yet to learn what a Haley Barbour is,” he said, “and that will be a challenge.”

Haley Barbour will go the entire campaign speaking in the third-person. And sing-song.

(A Haley Barbour is a type of forest troll found near water treatment plants.)

“I have repeatedly heard voters make a comment that I have never previously heard in my lifetime in politics, ‘I’m afraid my children and grandchildren are not going to inherit the same country that I inherited,’ ” Mr. Barbour said at every stop. “I never heard that when Jimmy Carter was president or when Bill Clinton was president.”

 
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Yes, why didn’t Jimmy Carter or Bill Clinton, to pick two presidents who are not Barack Obama at random, talk about this literal impossibility? Haley Barbour is hinting hard that he knows how to build a simple, affordable time machine he can use to ship off our children to boarding school in the late nineteenth century. But you’re going to have to elect this carefully arranged giant heap of 70-year-old grits if you ever want to see one. [NYT]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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118 comments

  1. nounverb911

    “They have yet to learn what a Haley Barbour is,” he said, “and that will be a challenge.”
    He looks like the "Great White Whale" to me.

    1. Native_of_SL_UT

      Maybe if he took up a catchy nickname like that other guy, something like "Boss Hog". Then we would know who he is.

    1. V5¹6℠56³94

      Yeah, but you really don't know where they've been. Lockheed Martin, Boeing, that sort of place.

    2. GunToting[Redacted]

      I don't think Hayley would be lured with the "light beer" call… More like the "gravy and fatback" call.

  2. PsycWench

    Haley Barbour, Tim Pawlenty, Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee….

    Looks like 2012 will be Snow Non-White vs. the Seven Dwarfs.

  3. Name_Tag

    i'm afraid my children are not going to inherit a country in which being gay and/or muslim is illegal and the income gap increases exponentially.

  4. Gratuitous World

    it's a shame Mississippi's children can't inherit the same beloved segregated bastion of hatred, institutionalized discrimination and widespread poverty that Haley grew up with.

    wait, no. they pretty much can. Thanks, Gov. Barbour!

  5. DaRooster

    “I have repeatedly heard voters make a comment that I have never previously heard in my lifetime in politics, ‘I’m afraid my children and grandchildren are not going to inherit the same country that I inherited,’ ”

    And of course that's due to Obama. Not Corporate bailouts by W, or wars (plural) by W, or completely safe Nuclear energy meltdowns, or Corporate oil sludge covering the floor of the sea… its 'cuz of Obama…

    Douche.

    1. genxr

      If only we had been able to cut taxes for the rich and more or less eliminate enforcement of regulations – especially in the financial and energy industries. Wait, maybe there's still time to do all that, if we act quickly…

    2. freakishlywrong

      The only "voters" that this old redneck is talking to are white, ignorant teatards and their whole "taking my country back" bewlshit.

  6. Badonkadonkette

    That form of advocacy is equivalent to lobbying.

    So basically he's saying it's the President's job to obfuscate, connive, and outright lie in order to advance one specific cause at the expense of all others? Well, at least he's being honest about being a lying sack of shit.

  7. KeepFnThatChicken

    Mr. Barbour:

    We saw John Boehner pass out checks to his fellow representatives, and he is now second-in-succession to be President.

    Don't ask for a fucking dime in contributions to your campaign; and please spell my name correctly on the check.

    Sincerely,
    Smack, Chicken J.

  8. PublicLuxury

    Haley the Barber people are freaked out because the browns and women have the right to vote, hold gainful employment and are still working toward reproductive rights.

    1. Buckminster

      Yep, if we could just make 'em work for nothing and keep their danged mouths shut, this would be a heck of a country. These guys make me sick.

  9. Badonkadonkette

    ‘I’m afraid my children and grandchildren are not going to inherit the same country that I inherited,’

    As a Mississippian, I'm pretty sure Haley heard that all the time during the Civil Rights movement. Hell, I'll bet he was the one saying it.

    1. SorosBot

      No no, he claims to have gone to one of Martin Luther King's rallies as a kid in his hometown, which was quite the feat considering that MLK never went there.

    2. genxr

      I bet it was difficult for him, adjusting to an integrated university with the one black student somewhere.

  10. Hera Sent Me

    Haley's right. His children aren't going to inherit the country he inherited. The country he inherited allowed the Governor of Mississippi to treat blacks like chattel rather than fellow Americans.

    Gone With The Wind, Haley. Just like any sense of decency you may have once had.

  11. SayItWithWookies

    You know Guvnah Bahbuh's got stellar credentials when he uses his tight lobbying connections to deflect attention from his history of involvement with the Council of Conservative Citizens. But really, he should address the racism accusations head-on and remind everybody that he's definitely an equal-opportunity thinker — why, he hates white people who are opposed to racism just as much as he hates black people who are opposed to racism.

  12. Mumbletypeg

    "I wanted you to see first-hand what a Haley Barbour is,” he said on a recent day

    Haley, how's that Bob Dole-style third-person self-referencing thang workin' out for ya?

  13. Ruhe

    So if you hold the stone up to your eye and look through it at Haley, is that when you see the Grits Troll?

  14. Rosie_Scenario

    NY Times headline: "A Proud 'Lobbyist' and 'Southerner' Weighs 'President.'" Great verb choice for the Times. Only thing better would have been " . . . Weighs 800 Pounds."

    1. meufchelou

      “I have to decide if I want to dedicate what essentially is the rest of my productive life to the most consuming job on the face of the earth.”

      He's got the experience fer sure.

  15. fuflans

    well to be fair, if we didn't have the republican primary to look forward to, we really would want that world ending date in may.

  16. TanzbodenKoenig

    When you outlaw shady back room deal making, only outlaws will be lobbyists. Oh wait that sounds pretty good actually…

  17. Sophist [DDS,DD,DFH]

    “They have yet to learn what a Haley Barbour is,” he said, “and that will be a challenge.”

    Didn't "Bill Haley and the Barbours" have a bunch of hits in the fifties? Mostly with axehandles?

  18. SorosBot

    “I have repeatedly heard voters make a comment that I have never previously heard in my lifetime in politics, ‘I’m afraid my children and grandchildren are not going to inherit the same country that I inherited,’”

    Hey, it is refreshing to see a Republican politician actually point out racism, however unintentionally.

  19. Gopherit

    Oh, Haley, you don't get to be president by claiming to be the biggest whoremonger of the pack of fools that represent the republicans. You need to be a "hawk". Go blow up Mississippi, then come back triumphant. And get a hair piece like trump. The one you have now looks like that cat yakked it up.

  20. V5¹6℠56³94

    The President's job is to get money from other countries (sell bonds) in exchange for certain favors (wars on Browns), so the Heidi Fleiss platform pretty much writes itself. FLEISS/ALASKUNT 2012!

  21. mumbly_ジョジョ

    So first they impeached Clinton, and now they say that being president is all about fingerbanging politicians and/or their staffs? Am so confused.

  22. elviouslyqueer

    Oh for FUCK's sake. Just go ahead and say it, Haley: "I still can't believe we elected a nigger to be president."

  23. Chillwaver

    An old, fat, white, racists former Lobbyist from the south. Now that's change you can believe in!

    1. OhNoGuy

      And I have a feeling that a majority of the Supreme Court would vote for him.

      Then he and his fellow Klan members would burn the houses of the Catholic justices so no one would think there is any "Quid pro Quo".

      I would so love to see that.

  24. ويجا المجلس

    And this is the douche who admonished an aide who kept talking about 'hunting coons' that the aide would be reincarnated as a watermelon and left to the mercy of da blacks. Jebus be a weepin' once again.

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      Pretty sure he only admonished the aide because a journalist was there slack-jawed at the overt racism displayed without a 2nd thought in HaleyWorld.

  25. prommie

    While they may have been democrats, and thus nigger-lovers, at least Carter and Clinton weren't themselves "near." Plus too, they weren't yankees, neither.

  26. Ducksworthy

    Hooray for Haley Barber the Hutt! He will eat the opposition! He will show the Amurrikan pipple what a Real Rethuglican looks and sounds like.

  27. jus_wonderin

    Do we need a time machine or just one ill tuned transporter, Mr. Barbour?

    "Enterprise, what we got back didn't live long… fortunately."

  28. arihaya

    “I never heard that when Jimmy Carter was president or when Bill Clinton was president.”

    perhaps because both of them are Southerners and neither of them are Blacks ?

  29. Ducksworthy

    So yeah we loaded up the car wif some shotguns and dynamite and went on out to the fairgrounds to see Martin Luther Koon. I don’t really remember what he said. The truth is, we couldn’t hear very well. We were sort of out there on the periphery. Fondling our shotguns. We just sorta sat on our cars, watching the girls, talking, doing what boys do. Fondling our shotguns. We paid more attention to the girls than to King. Especially the ripe young nigger girls. And that stuff about the White Citizens Councils being racists, shoot, why that's where all the Klan members went to get rehabilitated and change their lynchin' ways to something more constructive.

  30. ttommyunger

    The way this Republican Field is shaping up I already know what their Campaign Chant will be: "One of us, One of us, One of us, One of us." Sorry youngsters, old reference, very old.

  31. hagajim

    ‘I’m afraid my children and grandchildren are not going to inherit the same country that I inherited,’

    And if you elect me or any of my ilk we'll make goddamn sure they don't because we are the ones chosen to run this country into the giant bunghole – for Jeebus!

  32. JustPixelz

    "…not the same country I inherited…"

    I certainly hope so!

    The country I inherited had legal segregation, tube powered computers, thinner people, and no rock-and-roll. (Yes, I'm kinda old.) It's our duty to make America a better place.

    The idea that America has been stolen (take it back!) from its rightful owners is a long-standing meme, peculiar to the right-wing. It speaks to a belief that there is such a thing as an "un"-American, that there is only a disloyal opposition.

    America is who shows up. The people who vote, invent, build, fight and add their character to a great nation. People who think they've "lost" their nation simply do not understand what America is.

  33. KenLayIsAlive

    ‘I’m afraid my children and grandchildren are not going to inherit the same country that I inherited,’

    This is why I fully support an inheritance tax on white southern culture. "Sorry son, you're only allowed to be 1/5th the racist jackass your father was."

  34. ttommyunger

    I'd pay good money to see that, I never was worth damn at rolling my own. Been quit now for 25 years, so I guess I'll never learn.

  35. donner_froh

    "Ah, so when you see a lobbyist on the streets of Washington stomping on a rat and chewing its face off"

    I thought lobbyists had sworn off eating their own kind.

  36. tessiee

    "Haley Barbour will go the entire campaign speaking in the third-person. "

    Bob Dole approves of this.

  37. Hatrabbit

    “They have yet to learn what a Haley Barbour is,”

    Umm … A Fat White Confederate Apologist?

  38. XOhioan

    You know, electing a friendly, attractive 23-year-old as President might just work. As long as he/she is very, very friendly with foreign heads of state.

  39. tessiee

    Shouldn't he be sitting in a big, high-backed chair with the white cat in his lap?

    "No, Mistuh Obama, Ah 'xpects ya to DAH!!"

  40. crybabyboehner

    One of these nincompoops is going to be the Republican nominee for President.

    As a musician friend said in the '80s, "After 'Rock Me Amadeus,' it's anybody's turn!"

  41. owhatever

    As a political tactic, Haley had to put aside his pointy hat and sheet, but clung to his KKK values. Now all of the Republican leaders are out-Klaning him, so he will appear at the first debate in full regalia to show his leadership potential.

  42. Allmighty_Manos

    ‘I’m afraid my children and grandchildren are not going to inherit the same country that I inherited,’"
    If I didn't have actual work to do, I'm pretty sure I could comply a book of "my children's lives will suck" comments made under every sitting president.

    To clarify: Babour means I'm hearing the narrow sliver of the white racists who are likely GOP primary voters go on about the horror of having their kids grow up in an America that has actually elected a nonwhite president.

  43. Extemporanus

    I have a feeling that Governor Babar's efforts to get everyone to acknowledge the elephant in the room will ultimately prove unsuccessful.

  44. EleanorG

    Has Haley Barbour ever once left the United States? He's about as worldly as Sarah Palin.

  45. mourningnmerica

    I can't see why anyone is taking this maggot seriously. First, he brags about being a lobbyist. Second, HE HAS THE FACE OF A PIG. So he is an ugly corporate goon. America only votes for good looking goons.

    Does anyone remember Phil Gramm? The guy was taken so seriously by everyone for so long. He had access to big money. Well, the guy looked like Deputy Dawg. Biggest fucking jowls I have ever seen. Then he comes out and says he is a factor because of his "Best friend: Ready money." Does anyone remember that? He was finished. Barbour is the exact same thing. He is an ugly, fat pig. He has no chance. It's gonna be Mittens or T-Pawty.

  46. genxr

    So Barbour and his supporters were watching Bush invade the wrong country, squander trillions, and crash the economy, and they said, "I like where this is going."

  47. BarackMyWorld

    “I never heard that when Jimmy Carter was president or when Bill Clinton was president.”

    But I bet he heard the shit out of it when Dubya was in charge!

  48. aqua_buddha

    Be as snarky as you like, but in the final analysis, somehow this is all unfair to Sarah Palin.

  49. DemonicRage

    Please, Republicans. Nominate this dude. He is so representative of the small, Southern enclave that is the heartland of the Party, and he is so unbelivably hot. There will be fap fap fap postings on this web site very day that his image hits our homes on the tv and in newspapers, as well as on the screens of all those electronic devices that people are addicted to, these days.

  50. OhNoGuy

    Give me one reason a citizen shouldn't be able to own a high velocity, explosive harpoon for hunting Klan Whales.

    And them Japs are gonna need to make sushi out of something that is not only delicious but where you can be usin' the left overs as a night lite.

    THINK ABOUT IT!

    1. Crank_Tango

      The second amendment doesn't say anything about it NOT being legal, so fire away.

      I do, however, take issue with the idea of klanwhale blubber being tasty, but hey I ain't the one eating it.

      I would like to try to run my car on it tho–is like biodiesel, right?

  51. Lost_Teabaggers

    Here's the thing, Haley…anyone who's ever seen "the Dukes of Hazzard" (the teevee show), "In the Heat of the Night" and "Deliverance", crossbred them with "Wrong Turn" and the amoral lobbyist from "Thank You for Smoking" knows exactly WHAT a Haley Barbour is…

  52. OhNoGuy

    "They have yet to learn what a Haley Barbour is,"

    Haley Barbour is the reason toads have a chance in a kissin' contest.

Comments are closed.