give giving dennis kucinich attention a chance

Dennis Kucinich To Impeach Obama Or Whatever

Death in VeniceBrave sandwich survivor Dennis Kucinich was able to exist as a somewhat serious candidate for president the past two cycles because he gave red meat (certified-organic fair-trade local tofu “Reddmeete” sustainably collected from unwanted scraps left by wild animals) to libtards on their pet projects such as impeaching George W. Bush and making anything but world peace illegal. Libtards really, really liked that impeachment thing, and would never stop talking about it, even though there were legitimate problems and possible solutions to debate. Kucinich’s hot-wife-distracted brain has not forgotten this, so when he heard about President Obama deciding to bomb Libya, he quickly composed his 2012 platform: IMPEACH OBAMA!!!!1!!!1!!1

According to Kucinich, Obama’s decision “would appear on its face to be an impeachable offense,” though he questioned whether Congress would ever move forward with a trial in practice.

As reported earlier by Politico, Kucinich raised the specter of impeachment in a conference call with Democratic lawmakers on Saturday.

He questioned whether Congress would ever move forward with a trial? That never stopped him before. Do it, Kucinich! Start the impeachment! This will be fun.

Should presidents just bomb things whenever they want to? Probably not! But how often do presidents commit impeachable offenses? Probably two or three times a day. If we removed from office every president who does something impeachable, we would very quickly wind up with a President Kucinich, under whose leadership America would swiftly be beaten up and have all its money stolen by Canada. [TPM]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Comments

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  • TanzbodenKoenig

    Doesn't meet or exceed the blow job requirement, this is over before it even begins

    • horsedreamer_1

      Libya shot first, so we won the circle-jerk. Impeachment, therefore, off the table.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    If we removed from office every president who does something impeachable, we would very quickly wind up with a President Kucinich, under whose leadership America would swiftly be beaten up and have all its money stolen by Canada.

    How is this any worse than what's happening to our monies right now?
    ~

    • CrunchyKnee

      True, and at least America would have a hot wife to make the sexytimes with.

      • nounverb911

        Does Kucinich share?

        • V5¹6℠56³94

          He probably doesn't think he does.

    • Sophist [DDS,DD,DFH]

      It doesn't kill any wogs or make the rich any richer.

    • HedonismBot

      The crooks on Wall Street were OUR crooks.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    What's going on with Bono?

    • widestanceroman

      Bono? I thought the photo was from Angry Birds 2.0.

    • nounverb911

      Sonny Bono?

      • V5¹6℠56³94

        The late Sonny whose widow/successor-to the-hereditary-Palm-Springs-pocket-borough is now a confirmed boob-licker?

    • Sophist [DDS,DD,DFH]

      Bono? I thought that was a photo of a lesbian Kim Jong Il impersonator.

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      I thought that was Elvis!

    • Cicada

      That's clearly zombie Johnny Cash. Easy mistake to make.

  • ttommyunger

    Meanwhile, Dennis' super-hot wife remarked to reporters: "If Dennis kept face between my thighs where it belonged, he wouldn't be making such stupid ass statements!".

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      If he won't… I will.

      • ttommyunger

        He might not. I like him, but he acts a little dorky. He might just be a little backward in that area.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Tally ho!

      • ttommyunger

        After the Fox!

    • The_Great_Gazoo

      No danger of dental damage there. Plenty of floss, too.

  • PublicLuxury

    Where was his voice when the bush was starting illegal wars? I didn't hear him pulling his pork all over the trial for impeachment. Oh, I forgot, that's because the libtards took impeachment OFF THE FUCKING TABLE. Republitards OTOH got elected on their impeach and repeal platform.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Actually, I do remember on various occasions his squeaky little voice making noises about impeachment for Bush. It was pretty adorable, and one of the reasons I love Dennis so. (And not just his hot wife.)

    • CapnFatback

      Ummm . . . sure, it was later in the process, but in fact Kucinich was the prime pork puller. It would appear that Kucinich is putting ideals over politics here, a type of pork we all should be pumped to pull.

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      You can't blame Dennis for that. Nancy's fault.

    • GOPCrusher

      Dennis did bring up impeaching Bush on several occasions. Problem being, Tom DeLay and the other Republiklans kept telling him to sit down and shut up, the few Democrats refused to join in the call, and the Lamestream Media lived in fear of having weaponized anthrax show up in their mail.

  • PublicLuxury

    This here is 'Merica gawddamnit. We'll bomb who the fuck we want, when the fuck we want, and how the fuck we want. Got that World?

    • Mumbletypeg

      Hopey walks the slippery slope: "I'm a >carnage< lover, not a >carnage< fighter!"

  • Texan_Bulldog

    I'd forgotten about the famous Kucinich Sandwich Incident. That, combined with all his other weird drunken uncle-type rantings, kind of puts his credibility at risk, eh? I am impressed that he keeps getting re-elected though, since OH seems to be where fun goes to die.

    • V5¹6℠56³94

      Not while MI is still….

      Oh, never mind.

    • Cicada

      kind of puts his credibility at risk, eh?

      Yeah, this is really making me question the veracity of his UFO sighting.

  • harry_palmer

    Is Kucinich making a pitiful, Obama-esque attempt to get the Repugs to like him?

    • Fare la Volpe

      He'll start asking about a birth certificate as 2012 looms.

  • GuanoFaucet

    Fucking hobbit. Did that olive pit lodge itself in his frontal lobes?

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Oh elfin Kooch… why?

    Isn't having an unbelievably hot, smart, much younger than you and tall redhead wife enough?

  • stanpan

    Looks like someone came back from the Fonzie Convention with quite a chip on his shoulder.

    • freakishlywrong

      Actually, that was a chip in his tooth. Badadum.

      • stanpan

        Golf clap.

  • SorosBot

    Considering that Congress didn't impeach Truman, Eisenhower, JFK, LBJ, Nixon, Reagan, Bush, Clinton, or Bush when they did started bombings without Congressional authorization, I'd say that ship has sailed.

    • comptoneffect

      For a chance to impeach the Kenyan in the WH, I bet that ship can be recalled.

  • Fare la Volpe

    I voted for this Keebler elf in the primary.

    Sigh.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Kucinich should run for prezinut with Paw-T on a bipartisan Ambien Ticket: Motto: "Yawning while watching Dancing with the Stars, because it is after 8!"

  • freakishlywrong

    Thanks Dennis. This further allows the ole' "both sides" nonsense. Now they're all yelling that the LEFT and the RIGHT are questioning this decision and or bemoaning "dithering". What the hell, the retardis were going to impeach him for something.. Might as well let a Democrat get that ball rolling. Fucking assclown.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    has a little ;'kim jong il' look going there. must be looking for even less legitimacy.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Oh, go back to Middle Earth, you constipated hobbit. And by "Middle Earth," I mean your wife's clitoris.

    • Gopherit

      I think that may be the problem. Dennis is acting like he's not getting any……but instead of being grouchy, he's acting like a two year old.

      Also, Elizabeth……Call me.

  • horsedreamer_1

    This is why Lebron needed to leave Cleveland.

  • http://wonkette.com/ ويجا المجلس

    Thought he broke his tooth on an olive pit, not a peach pit. What with this in peach mint nonsense? Is this a new Bin and Jhari flavor? Is he having a Duane Allman flashback?

  • Terry

    Ohio. Always Ohio, I swear.

    • karen

      You know you love us.

      • Terry

        True. What other state has produced the absolute wild variety of elected officials?

        • http://andrewdrinker.wordpress.com Andrew Drinker

          Besides Minnesota?

          • Terry

            One word. Trafficant.

          • http://andrewdrinker.wordpress.com Andrew Drinker

            And Terry gets a checkmate!!!! :-P

    • Callyson

      Trying to catch up to Arizona.

    • XOhioan

      It's the mother of Presidents. And assholes with orange tans.

  • LabRodent

    Do not try to bend the spoon – thats impossible. Instead only try to realize the truth – THERE IS NO SPOON…. Neo all day long.

  • jus_wonderin

    Dennis Kucinich? Everything I hear or read his name I feel I need to visit the pharamacy or the free clinic.

  • Pragmatist2

    There is no purpose to any article on Dennis Kucinich that does not include a gratuitous photo of his inexplicably hot wife. Actually, there is no purpose to Dennis Kucinich except as a prop in a photo that includes his inexplicably hot wife.

    • jus_wonderin

      How might we lure her into the frame??? Diamonds?

      • SorosBot

        Whore diamonds?

        • horsedreamer_1

          You know what Chris Rock said about a woman — or man — with a pierced tongue.

    • Ruhe

      Now imagine if you will that Kucinich gets re-districted right out of congress. Immediately he starts making the rounds of the talking-heads shows as a new career. He's the perfect foil, entertainment wise, for blowhards like Newt. So one day while on Fox air with Newt to debate whether Obama should be impeached for going into Libya or impeached for refusing to use nukes on Libya Newt happens to notice Kucinich's wife standing just beyond the lights and cameras. Kucinich follows Newt's gaze and then, just before coming back from a commercial, Kucinich silently mouths to Gingrich "all night long baby." A dumbfounded Gingrich looses the debate and Fox impeaches Barry for being a bully not a pussy.

      • tessiee

        I like this if for no other reason than how much it aggravates Newt.

  • http://doubting-timus.blogspot.com/ ulTIMum

    The original "high crimes" which went with misdemeanors as impeachable grounds, so to speak, was specifically designed for dropping rocks from weather balloons. History!

  • aguacatero

    This seems as apt a time as any for one of my favorite thousand lines from Lebowski:

    "You're not wrong, [Dennis]. You're just an asshole."

    • Ruhe

      That's it in nutshell. Sometimes you can be right and still be on the wrong side of things.

    • riverside68

      I'm sorry, I wasn't listening, could you repeat that?

  • arihaya

    Beware you,,,l Dennis Kuchinich was endorsed by Aragorn

  • lilblacktombo

    My hair is a bird. Your presidency is invalid.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I doubt impeachment would fly — on the other hand, a hypothetical President Biden would probably have liberated Wisconsin before he liberated Libya, so there's that to consider.

  • prommie

    I have always admired him for his stance on Chemtrails and his bill to outlaw them, and for his proposal to have the federal government subsidize the purchase of tinfoil so that even low-income members of the public would be able to protect themselves from the mind-control rays.

  • FrankMerton

    kusinitch used to be a real hero but im afraid maybe someone is forcing him to do this how can he tun against pres obama this is racist koch bros stuff

  • hagajim

    At least old Dennis is consistent…I'll give him (and Ron Paul) that anyway….

  • PartyMarty

    Isn't DK already locked in an intractable legal battle with an olive pit? One fearsome foe at a time, munchkin.

    But in all honesty, having Kucinich go after him is probably the best thing that could possibly happen to BObams.

    • aguacatero

      Are you suggesting it's scripted — a sort of "wag the elf" strategy?

  • meufchelou

    Mmm makes me want peach pie. But if I make one would Dennis sue me for a peachable offense?

    Sorry, time for lunch…

    • jus_wonderin

      Mmmmm. Pie.

  • Troubledog

    Fucking hippies.

    No, literally. I'm on board with that.

    • SorosBot

      They should take a shower first, though.

  • WhatTheHeck

    I only take him seriously when he’s wearing his “Rebel without a cause” pleather jacket and standing next to his wife, the other “Reddmeete.”

  • Oldskool_

    I also once broke a tooth on a galldanged olive pit . That's who we should impeach, Greeks and their galldanged olives.

  • Weenus299

    Yeah but he has a hot wife so FTW.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Charlie Sheen:Bree Olson::Dennis Kucinich:Elizabeth (Harper) Kucinich.

  • Hatrabbit

    Dennis Kucinich is President of Pissing In The Wind-ville.

  • fuflans

    president trump will take care of all these pesky details.

  • MozakiBlocks

    Seeing as how Dennis will probably be redistricted out of Congress, I guess he's decided to go all in. Twerp!
    http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2011/03/22/k

  • jus_wonderin

    Space Preservation Act? Does this refer to sex?

  • LiveToServeYa

    Good job on insuring Obama will never be impeached, Dennis.

  • baconzgood

    WHERE'S Kucinich's "long form" birth certificate?

  • BarackMyWorld

    If we removed from office every president who does something impeachable, we would very quickly wind up with a President Kucinich…

    I, for one, welcome our new hobbit overlords, their hot wives, and their sandwiches.

    Well, mostly just the last two. Mmmm….sandwiches…

  • Ruhe

    "a President Kucinich, under whose leadership America would swiftly be beaten up and have all its money stolen by Canada." At which point Kucinich would calmly point at his super-hot wife and say "scoreboard, Canadian bitches." It's not about winning the little battles Jack, it's about winning the war and the scrawny geek with the hottest wife is clearly the victor.

  • jonzin

    Clinton got away with a blow job and we all know that's much worse than sending troops to kill browns. So, I'm thinking Obamar will get away with it! And the Repukes still owe us one for not riding Dutch out of town on a rail after Iran/Contra.

    • El Pinche

      Repukes owe Barry big time. And no fucking yellowcake required.

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    Actually, I'm hoping that this is the 3 dimensional chess move we've all been waiting for. Impeach over bombing Libya, get all the baggertards on board, then you can call all previous presidents who've ever dealt with Gaddafi, Bush takes the stand, we get to ask him about all of his bombings, including the World Trade Center.

  • http://andrewdrinker.wordpress.com Andrew Drinker

    Well fine, Jack, since your irradiated brain didn't think of posting a picture of Dennis's sexbot, here are some goodies I found on the intarwebs for all of us pervs!

    Ladies and gentlemen, the gorgeous Elizabeth Kucinich: http://viralroots.blogspot.com/2007/05/elizabeth-

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    Obama can't win, whatever he does is wrong.
    Prez LB Johnson had a similar problem, but he put it nicely:
    If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read "President Can't Swim".

  • MinAgain

    Dennis is a kook, but he's a principled kook. You have to admire that in a person.

  • Gopherit

    Wow…..Dennis Kucinich and Pat Buchanan agree on an issue. It's the endtimes, people. I'll get the popcorn.

  • El Pinche

    You know you're doing your job when EVERYBODY wants to impeach yo ass.

  • problemwithcaring

    Can I say for the record one more time how much I fucking love that he pushed that whole impeachment thing? I really, really do.

  • dailyworldwatch

    Elizabeth Kucinich http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-496213/Th

    Now that must be the reason…

  • Callyson

    And here I thought McSame was a sore loser.

  • user-of-owls

    I'm late to this party. Have we heard from naderkucinichlittledebbieajaxbungabunga yet?

  • philpjfry

    Fuck you Kucinich. You dwarf sore looser cocksucker.

  • Guppy06

    If we're going to impeach Barry, I'd rather it be over the whole torture thing.

  • bumfug

    When Barry has him whacked I call dibs on the wife.

    • GOPCrusher

      Its the Chicago Way!

  • Extemporanus

    Until Kucinich takes a crack at curtailing that cunt Kasich, he can hop down off his high chair and go fuck himself.

  • ThundercatHo

    I love Dennis, I really do. Yeah, he's a goofy, little Vegan but impeaching Bush and the Dept of Peace, how can you not love that? However, speaking as a native Clevelander, Dennis is like your crazy aunt who has 14 cats, wears outrageous hats and talks to herself in the grocery store. But, she always made you great treats, gave you money, asked interesting questions and did not judge so even though eccentric you loved her madly.

  • kilgoretrout2

    Man, Kim John Il looks awful.

  • Angry_Marmot

    Me, I'm thinking about the peach…

  • TweetOnIt

    Osama Obama Biden Bin Laden
    One coincidence? Two coincidences?
    NO COINCIDENCE

    NEW WORLD ORDER PLAYBOOK EXPOSED

    Scam artists (Al-Qaeda) have cornered the market on affiliate marketing education. Their sites use aliases, bogus whois info, and registrations in different states and countries. What are they hiding?

    Many get rich quick scams serve as product placement for new cutting edge internet technologies, and logos, some sold through Clickbank. The people appearing in testimonials are part of the expansion of this organization and are often pitching other high priced products and services. They all link to one another through their marketing strategies and ability to optimize in search rankings.

    Between the aliases the use, and the way in which they speak about things, everything they do has double meaning. Their faces in Google image search is similar to the picture book of symbols mentioned in The Da Vinci Code movie. Here is a code of look a likes pitching all sorts of stuff who are interconnected;

    Selling a program on making millions online is Professor James Bradley who looks like the Pentagon bomber Bill Ayers.

    Jay Conrad Levinson is behind a number of “guerilla” marketing and advertising books. He looks like George Soros, who’s last name is a (palin)drome. Soros has been credited for collapsing a number of nation’s currencies. George Soros has been quoted several times regarding his views on a New World Order.

    The Super Affiliate Handbook is sold by someone who looks like Jill Biden, her name is Rosalind Gardner. Some appear to represent people, more in how they pose, rather then a direct look alike. Stephen Pierce appears to represent radical Van Jones, Brett McFall-Austan Goolsbee, John Childers-Andy Stern, and Jay Abraham as Ayman al-Zawahri, just to name a few.

    Problem with your Google Adwords PPC ads and can’t get a straight answer? You could try Yanik Silver who looks a lot like Sergei Brin, but he probably won’t know. He sells 33 Days to Online Profits (prophets.) Why not try Perry Marshall, who looks like Obama’s priest Reverend Pfleger? He sells The Definitive Guide To Google Adwords, infringing upon Google’s trademark.

    Many more can be found at Lorrie Morgan Ferrero’s Red-Hot-Copy blog such as; 72 Virgin Records Richard Branson, & White House Party Crashers the Salahi’s with Valerie Jarrett’s daughter.

    The Rich Jerk sent out emails promoting Stompernet in Atlanta Georgia. The staff included Brad Fallon, an airline pilot, and Eben Pagan selling a seminar "Get Altitude". 3 days after reporting this code to the FBI, Delta in Atlanta canceled a large number of flights due to “safety reasons.” In the Youtube videos related to the Rich Jerk, it appears that Mark Cuban is the Rich Jerk. He’s the billionaire who owns the Dallas Maverick’s basketball team. Think O'bomber or Barrac-uda Palin would play for him? Another guy seen on Youtube claiming to be Robert Johnson Rich Jerk, is Tony Rezko.

    Obama announced his run for office on Oprah Winfrey’s show. Have you ever noticed that Oprah’s friend Gayle King looks like Whitney Houston? Think that her name could be a code, Whit_ney White-Hous_ton House?

    It appears the internet marketing experts controlled the comments, the headlines, and the finance of the last election online with the highest ranking site in Google search, Youtube.

    In my strongest opinion this is the last piece of the puzzle, Osama Bin Laden is also a spokesperson, and a look-a-like. Osama represents Obama/Biden (Bi)n La(den.)

    Here are wanted terrorists and their online aliases. Some are wanted for U.S. embassy bombings in Kenya & Indonesia. Do these two places ring any bells? http://illuminaticonspiracy.blogspot.com