why bother with those pathetic assholes anyway?

Obama Finally Gets Around To Telling Congress We’re At War With Libya

He'll text you if anything gets annexed, kthanks, bye.President Obama has been traveling around South America or wherever the past few days, taking in some sun and minor diplomacy while he sits on the beach and plays around with whatever video game controller the military provides him to go bomb places. Yesterday afternoon, he decided he would let Congress know that the United States had been engaged in a war with a country in Africa for days, in case they were wondering. Wait, isn’t Congress supposed to be the ones to declare war? Well, they haven’t really had to do that since Harry Truman decided he wanted to go bomb Korea and nobody arrested him for it.

Col. Obama:

“The United States has not deployed ground forces into Libya. United States forces are conducting a limited and well-defined mission in support of international efforts to protect civilians and prevent a humanitarian disaster. [...]

For these purposes, I have directed these actions, which are in the national security and foreign policy interests of the United States, pursuant to my constitutional authority to conduct U.S. foreign relations and as Commander in Chief and Chief Executive.”

Or, “I can bomb shit whenever I want to, but I thought you might like to know, because it’s pretty cool.”

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The tribes that compose these rebel groups are going to be completely independent from U.S. aid and very democratic and will be our best friends forever. The end. No need to check up on this latter, Congress. Everything’s going to be just fine. [ABC News]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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127 comments

        1. OC_xenon-133_Serf

          'WAR Presidents' seem to be gaurruntee'd the next 4 years…hell FDR was given another 8

          1. V5¹6℠56³94

            Twelve, really, but he didn't quite make it through his fourth term. Won the war but lost the prez.

  1. philpjfry

    I started a war and there is nothing you can do about it, Nanananana. Don't give me any shit or you will be next.

    1. Swampgas_Man

      I started a war and the next guy in line will have to clean it up. I'll poop wherever I want.

  2. PublicLuxury

    I want to be re-elected but I have to kill some browns first. Better that they are muzlin browns cause then republitards will heart me and be my friend on the Facebook and follow me on the twatter. Thinks preznit Obamar

    1. Andrew Drinker

      He didn't need this to be re-elected since the Republicans are going to have a brokered convention where Michele Bachmann and Daffy Duck are trying to scoop up enough delegates for the nomination.

  3. MittsHairHelmet

    I don't know about the house, but I'm quite sure there isn't a person in the senate who gives a shit about the president starting wars.

    1. riverside68

      Every single person in the Senate wet dreams of being preznit and bombing the shit out of something.

  4. Sophist [DDS,DD,DFH]

    Pfft, like congress even fucking wants to exercise their warmaking authority. Then they might actually be held accountable for the results. Better to let the CIC lead, in case it all goes pear-shaped. And hey, if it goes well they were in support of it all along, yup yup!

    1. Oblios_Cap

      Here in America's Dinghus™ the Legislature has already figured out that if they put everything on the ballot as a Constitutional Amendment and let the slobs vote on it (based on 30-second sound bites) they can get what they want and not ever be held accountable. And we still keep reelcting these rat bastard GOPers to run the state further into the ground.

      Genius.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Give credit where it's due: California invented that shit. Florida is just a pale imitation.

        1. V5¹6℠56³94

          Absolutely! We love those initiatives with innocuous titles like "Feed and Shelter the Homeless Children" which actually prove to be a statutory above-the-line rake-off of some percentage of everyone's income tax to the favored group…say, the Homeless Shelter Operators Association.

  5. SorosBot

    Declaring war is hard work, and makes the decision to bomb people a lot harder; Congress is probably glad their predecessors abrogated the power a long time ago.

  6. Texan_Bulldog

    Just imagine a President Palin: she'd be bombing Olive Garden because they ran out of never-ending bread sticks and salad. I still say I'm gonna dance with the one who brung me.

    1. Terry

      Ain't that the frickin truth.

      My main issue with this is going to come if it turns into years of bombing and occupation.

  7. TanzbodenKoenig

    I like how the Repubs are now criticizing Obummer for waiting to get a UN resolution authorizing a police action against Ghaddafi, and then for letting France and Britain take the lead. If we can get somebody else to pay for this and take all the blame when it turns into a 15 yr quagmire then fucking lets do it, we're gettin too old/obese for this shit.

    1. SorosBot

      It's rather sickening; here's David Brooks, angry at Obama for not just bombing unilaterally:
      http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/22/opinion/22brook

      "Yet today, as an impeccably crafted multilateral force intervenes in Libya, certain old feelings are coming back to the surface. These feelings have been buried since the 1990s, when multilateral efforts failed in Kosovo, Rwanda and Iraq. They concern the structural weaknesses that bedevil multilateral efforts. They remind us that unilateralism may be no walk in the park, but multilateralism has its own characteristic problems, which are showing up already in Libya. "

      How exactly did Kosovo or the first Iraq war fail? I guess one out of three ain't bad. This kind of trenchant analysis will certainly be worth $15 a month to access starting next Monday.

        1. GOPCrusher

          The only part of Kosovo that was FAIL, was the attempt by the wingnuts to equate The Idiot Prince's excursion into Iraq with Clinton going to Kosovo.
          I liked the way the spit flew from their mouths when you pointed out that not a single American died in Kosovo.

      1. TanzbodenKoenig

        I think they failed to kill all the Muslims? Maybe that was a Repug goal that we weren't aware of?

        1. SorosBot

          I guess liberating Kuwait (well "liberating"; the people outside the royal family were still serfs) and then ending the war because we had achieved its' goal instead of continuing on to conquer Iraq and begin the endless quagmire a decade early is "failure" in BoBo's eyes.

          1. V5¹6℠56³94

            Nothing makes me angrier than the assertion that we "liberated" Kuwait. We returned it to its rightful owners.

      2. mumbly_ジョジョ

        Also, Rwanda failed in that nobody outside of Africa wanted to touch the continent with a thirty-foot helecopter rotor after Somolia, which would have probably been a better example also, too. But, it wasn't the "multi-" part that was the problem there, by any stretch of the imagination; it was the complete and utter lack of "-lateral".

        Nothing would have stopped the US, or anyone else for that matter, from stepping in, or France from not facilitating it, other than a complete and utter unwillingness to do anything on everyone's part.

  8. CapeClod

    It's a country with huge oil reserves. How quaint of Congress to think the President has to inform them when he goes to war with a country that has huge oil reserves.

  9. donner_froh

    Congress said: "You call that a war–just blowing up some towelheads? We're all to busy playing with the new budget cutting software to worry about that."

  10. SorosBot

    If it's gonna be the 1980s all over again, can we at least have a return of hair metal instead of the dull autotuned EZ-listening-style crap all the kids love today? At least the hair metal was fun.

    1. DaRooster

      Gimme all of you lovin' – ev'ry little bit
      Gimme all that you got – ev'ry bit of it
      Ev'ry bit of your lovin – oh, c'mon live a bit
      Never want it to stop

      Yeah, but are you gettin' it? – Armageddon it!
      Ooh, really gettin' it? – Yes, Armaggedon it!

      1. SorosBot

        She's the ultimate results of the Beiber-GaGa-Perry school of music, where you don't need talent to sing, just let the fucking autotune take care of it.

        1. V5¹6℠56³94

          Two more illusions bite the dust. Next you're going to tell me the Monkees lip-synched Neil Diamond tunes played by studio musicians.

        2. horsedreamer_1

          Hearing it, I found shades of Mandy Moore's "Candy" — not the hottest song of '99, but up there; she was (is) damn cute, too (& worry not — even as she were 14, at the time, I was but 19 (so it wasn't that creepy)) — but the lyrics weren't quite there. Too choppy.

    2. CalamityJames

      Uhhhh, the return of hair metal has already begun. Do you think people just started caring about Bret Michaels again because it was the xtian thing to do?

      1. SorosBot

        I thought they started "caring" about him because he became one of those washed-up former celebrities turned into a reality show goofball.

  11. freakishlywrong

    It's kinda fun to watch the war mongering neo-cons, more or less, being forced to begrudgingly agree with the Kenyan usurper.

    1. GOPCrusher

      But they always make sure to qualify it with a "Yeah, but why didn't he bomb the shit out of Iran to support the protesters?"

  12. ifthethunderdontgetya

    United States forces are conducting a limited and well-defined mission in support of international efforts to protect civilians and prevent a humanitarian disaster.

    Good Morning, Vietnam!
    ~

    1. horsedreamer_1

      & the press thought Gibbs was bad. Imagine when Zombie Tony Snow would be trying to eat their brains.

      (Joke'd be on him: no brains.)

  13. arihaya

    Well, they haven’t really had to do that since Harry Truman decided he wanted to go bomb Korea and nobody arrested him for it.

    that makes Jimmy Carter the only legitimate President of the United States post-FDR

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      When history is written fifty years from now (I won't be around to write or read it–that's for damn sure) Carter may well be the best of the bunch. If the peatards and wingnuts haven't all devolved into tree-dwelling sloths by then that'll really get their panties in a knot.

  14. Canmon

    Now he has his own war. I'm sure he loves his other wars just as much but it's different because they were adopted.

  15. BarryOPotter

    It's not like they'll even notice, what with all the hard work and long hours they're putting in to spur job creation and economic recovery/growth… for Kochtards

  16. neiltheblaze

    "United States forces are conducting a limited and well-defined mission in support of international efforts to protect civilians and prevent a humanitarian disaster. [...]"

    Just like in Darfur.

  17. BlueMonkeh

    Congress doesn't have time for this…unless it's putting "In God We Trust" on the bombs we're dropping on those muslins.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Maybe he's hoping that bombing a country precipitously will now be remembered as Obamaesque and therefore all Republican administrations will avoid it in the future.

    2. GOPCrusher

      I only hope that once his second term starts, he remembers that he isn't going to get re-elected and decides the time has come to do the things he promised to get his first term.
      And stands up at the State Of The Union Address and flips the bird to the Republilklans in the gallery.

  18. DashboardBuddha

    Dammit, Barry…you're fuckin' breaking my heart here.

    Sigh…given the growing stupidity of the electorate in general and the raw ambitions of the power elite that wishes to capitalize on that stupidity, we're never going to have a president that isn't a train wreck, are we?

    1. riverside68

      One might be forgiven for thinking it might be systemic, not personal, but that smacks of Marxism.

  19. PopeyesPipe

    Thank god! I was worried our constitutional republic had turned into a decadent empire. Close call, guys!

  20. ttommyunger

    Congress is the dysfunctional trailer park family you just don't interact with unless you absolutely have to. They make retards seem clever by comparison.

  21. Beetagger

    Couldn't Barry just have "un-friended" Ghadafi on Facebook or something? We should finish eating the entree (Afghanistan) before we move on to the next course (Libya.)

    1. jqheywood

      Oh for Christ's sake..that is just pathetic! You honestly think Obama is just like Bush? Really? We are involved in this little adventure because the Brits and the French called in a few chits. Cameron and Sarkozy don't want a flood of refugees and, more to the point, TV images of a massacre on their doorstep. After all the "coalition of the willing" crap we peddled since the end of the Cold War, we owed them one.

      Edit: Sorry about the tone & lack of snark. Too much crap today with too little caffeine.

      1. Oblios_Cap

        All things taken together, Barry is just another corporate hack and might qualify as a decent Republican president. He's not any kind of FDR.

  22. harry_palmer

    Does Obomba get some kind of star on his Nobel Peace Prize now that he's made his war quasi-official?

  23. widestanceroman

    Always the uniter, Obama has decided that if it's not love, than it's the bomb[s] that will bring us together.

    I mean, Congress is nice, but Congress can stop you from killing all the browns you'd like to.

    [I'd go ahead and finish the song rip-off, but I've got a call from a bucktooth girl from Luxemburg on hold.]

  24. Weenus299

    DOC! DOC! IT's ME! Yeah, yeah, you sent me back to the future, but I'm BACK. I'm back FROM the future.

    Great. Barack.

      1. Weenus299

        Libyans, plutonium, the people-never-change thing. All that's missing is ZZ Topp and Huey Lewis.

  25. Chillwaver

    Ha. Like Congress was going to stop him….
    - Funding Wars that benefit Corporations: A-OK!
    - Funding Legislation to help our Citizens: Socialism, wasteful spending/we can't afford it, pissy Teabaggers, etc.

    1. GOPCrusher

      I'm waiting for Boehner to step up to the plate and show some leadership by defunding American intervention in foreign countries.

  26. KeepFnThatChicken

    Fuck Christian belief structures and their apocryphal and soteriological bullshit, but to be fair, doing things like this could cause one of two apocalyptic outcomes:

    "President Pawlenty"

    "President Daniels"

    THE HORROR. THE HORROR.

    1. harry_palmer

      You have to love a blog where you can talk about soteriology and Palin being a cunt and everyone knows exactly what you mean.

    2. Dudleydidwrong

      While we're throwing around theological terms (and it is good to see them here on Wonkette–you don't get that kind of shit anywhere else) let's not forget chiliasm, the belief that Jeebus is going to come back and reign for 1000 years. Each bomb brings him closer and closer and closer and… Nothing like good Christian bombs to usher in the return of that Prince of Peace guy.

    1. KeepFnThatChicken

      Some right-wing douche is just chewing on the ends of his fingers, wanting to call it "pimpin'."

  27. Allmighty_Manos

    Yeah, because when you're about to be killed off in a matter of hours, you really want to have to rely on Congress to bail you out. Qadaffi would have probably died of natural causes by the time the bill came out of subcommittee — and not before Ben Nelson got 5 billion worth of subsidies to corn agro-corporations.

  28. Weenus299

    Congresspeople of all stripes and fuckeduppitudes didn't seem to mind when BushCheney reached around them.

  29. LiveToServeYa

    Say 'hello' to Al-Qaeda in Libya. We can't fuck around with Islamic countries without karma, these days. Mo' is a jerk as Saddam was a jerk, but the browns have to handle their own jerks or it's another Crusaders vs anti-Christian/American Jihadists ballgame.

    1. Weenus299

      The NFL may not happen in the fall. Maybe they kind of want this ballgame to happen. Beats me.

  30. The_Great_Gazoo

    Some House members were still under the impression that "Odyssey Dawn" was a stripper they knew in Baltimore rather than a military operation, so I am glad Obama finally cleared up the confusion.

  31. gurukalehuru

    I don't know. When somebody says he's ready to kill every single person in his country before he steps down, and is well on the way to doing it, maybe a teensy-weensy little bit of intervention is O.K.

    I'll give Barry the benefit of the doubt on this one, for another month or so.

    1. celebs4truth

      Nice! Give him the benefit of the doubt for asking a New World Order, world government body for approval to spend your tax dollars killing other people, instead of asking you first, as is demanded in the constitution? Nice!

      1. SorosBot

        Sorry, I accidentally gave you an upfist conspiracy Paultard; you're Randy Quaid aren't you?

        However, your comments elsewhere are very amusing and I encourage anyone who visits this very old thread to check them out. Or check them out! Have you ever heard of a period?

  32. user-of-owls

    Yesterday afternoon, he decided he would let Congress know that the United States had been engaged in a war with a country in Africa for days

    He should have made them guess which one. Or better yet, he should have agreed to seek a declaration only if the Senate could name the capital of Burkina Faso (nee Upper Volta). AND, points off for misspellings.

  33. Lascauxcaveman

    No, this one is much better. If I recall, Regan sent the bombers in to blow up shit just as a big "Fuck You" to Q-Daffy because he was mad at him for bombing a nightclub in Germany. Quick and done, eh?

    But this time we're setting up the euros to go and invade and occupy, and when they get tired of that, it'll be our guys who get to hang out there, on the way back from Iranghanistanq.

  34. SorosBot

    Considering that Ozzie Osbourne's wife is a judge on one of those karaoke shows, I wouldn't be surprised if they broke out softened Megadeath or NWA.

  35. elviouslyqueer

    they played a Clash song as one of the Dance Numbers.

    Oh please tell me they didn't. *despairs*

    Mind you, the theme song of my cousin's son's bar mitzvah was "Hey Ho, Let's Go!" Because nothing says "becoming a man" like pogo dancing to Joey Ramone.

  36. horsedreamer_1

    Now, to perform "Just Don't Bite It", Randy Hopper, with backing vocals from Valerie Cass.

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