it's morning in america

Kochs Everywhere: Union-Busting Bill Introduced In Alaska

Give me your tired, your poor, chapped lips. And then wrap them around my rotting billionaire manmeat.

  • The War on Normal People (sorry, “Bolshie bastards”) started in Wisconsin, but it has quickly spread to every corner of our sad Union. And now even the fabled ice colony of Alaska — long known for its warring tribes of barbarian grifters and embarrassing televised dance rituals — has been asked to obediently swallow this Big Gulp of corn syrup Koch nectar. The bill’s sponsor claims that stripping public employees of collective bargaining rights will save Alaska lots of money and protect rich people from poor people, just like in Wisconsin! But will the coward Democrats run away if this legislation gains momentum? “If the Democrats flee here … we’ll have to go to Canada,” according to the House minority whip, State Rep. Berta Gardner (D-Anchorage). Haha, only if you aren’t abducted by a snowmobile monster (Todd Palin) first! [CNN]
  • An American F-15E Strike Eagle jet crashed in Libya after an equipment malfunction. Don’t worry though, the two pilots ejected and are safe! (See? This is why we need that new F-69.) [AP]
  • Meanwhile, in Yemen: President Ali Abdullah Saleh warns that “a coup against his rule” will lead to civil war. [BBC]
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About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman

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151 comments

  1. Serolf_Divad

    Bah, the whole "middle class" thing was so gauche any way. It was like: "C'mon, make up your mind already: are you poor or are you rich?"

    That's all in the past now that we're all destined to be poor. Thank you Tea Party! Thank you Joe the Plumber! I hope the Koch brothers finally gifted you a $250,000 a year plumbing business for selling out the poors and convincing them that only the top 1% deserved to have any money (or health care, or retirement benefits).

  2. Barbara_i

    Rich Uncle Pennybags from Monopoly is getting his wang mouthafied by Lady Liberty? Gosh, if these two can get laid then anyone can.

    1. MildMidwesterner

      This is why you got 2nd prize in the beauty contest. Lady Liberty WON the beauty contest.

    2. riverside68

      Teh girls keep telling me there is a difference between getting laid and getting fucked.
      I tell them it's all good.

  3. Sophist [DDS,DD,DFH]

    Oh yeah? You just wait till the Alaskan unions respond. When the International Brotherhood of Fishermen, Meth Cooks and Ice Road Truckers goes on strike, you know you've been struck. They don't usually content themselves with knit-ins.

    1. Allmighty_Manos

      Local 649 of the Association of Crazy Mountain Men will also be joining you on the picket line.

    2. AKbum

      Ha ha ha. Seriously though. Alaska is the most heavily unionized, pro-union state in the country. For real. This bill doesn't chance a snowballs' chance in…Arizona or Texas or some fucked-up place like that. If nearly every single comment in the Fairbanks News Miner comments section (normally the trolliest haven of teabag nutjob assholerry) speaks out against a bill like this, you can pretty much guarantee the bill is doomed. Oh? You wanna gut collective bargaining? That's great. How about we just flip this switch and shut down 20% of the nation's oil production…

      Thank you! NEXT!

        1. mumbly_ジョジョ

          Hahahaha, I just did a wiki search and found out that he went to my alma mater (hence the nickname). It's amazing how, despite being an awesomely liberal school, every famous alumnus ends up being either a douchebag (other examples include Jerome Kohlberg, inventor of the hostile takeover) or complete failures (Dukakas!)

          Actually, it looks like Palmer actually was a nice liberal congressman who went off the deep end as AG- he tried to roll back protectionist tarriffs, and got blasted for being "anti-free-market" for doing so, serving as a very early example of how the owners really do just define "free market" as "give us money", always and forever.

  4. PublicLuxury

    The Alaskan people were dumb enough to elect a Palin for duhvenor so this bad bill will sail.

    It is my understanding that the Koch's cock's spunk is sweeter than candy and as addictive as meth. One drop and the people are hooked. No knee pads either!

    1. Barbara_i

      Koch's spunk got the 5 star award by their little Zagat, Scott Walker. He's been gargling it to impress the brothers for some time now.

      1. Barbara_i

        Mmmmm, coppery! Wonder if they made Walker hold a silver dollar on his tongue while he fellated them. Those old bastards love to cum into money.

    2. Serolf_Divad

      Maybe, maybe not. Alaska is basically one big welfare office where everyone goes to get their Federal Government handouts or paymets that the State government skims off the oil industry. It'll be interesting to see how one segment of the state population reacts to being screwed by another segment of the state's population (as opposed to the usual trick of everyone in Alaska collectively screwing the taxpayers of the lower 48).

      1. Terry

        "Alaska is basically one big welfare office where everyone goes to get their Federal Government handouts or paymets that the State government skims off the oil industry…"

        …while imagining themselves as rugged individualists and insisting that government become smaller.

        There, fixed.

      2. trampndirtdown

        Don't forget the highly successful republican strategy of getting people on public assistance to vote against that evil public assistance that's ruining America.

      3. mumbly_ジョジョ

        Also, they have a lot of the heavily-armed militia nut types, as Alaska is basically Idaho North, culturally. So, yeah, I'm kinda interested to see what happens there as well, myself.

  5. horsedreamer_1

    Aren't the workers on the Alaska pipeline unionized? Too, what's with the money trouble in Seward's Folly; I thought they had plenty, since they give out a welfare check to every man, woman, & child resident for at least two years consecutive.

  6. karen

    The middle class was a cute idea, and it was fun while it lasted. But honestly, there's only one way human life has existed and will continue to exist: super rich or flat poor.

    I hope this means we get our own violent revolution, I'd love to strap a banker to a chair and cover him with honey on a fire ant hill.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          "I'm flat busted." Isn't that how Dolly Parton put it when her Dollywood theme park went chapter 11?

    1. Serolf_Divad

      There will only be justice when the last hedge fund manager is hanged with the entrails of the last Southern Baptist Bible thumper.

      1. Ducksworthy

        I like that better than that tired old chant of no justice no peace. Can I have it for a bumper sticker?

  7. freakishlywrong

    That pic! Even without the rockin' alt-text, neatly describes the Russian style oligarchy that dumbstupid U.S. of America has become! Keep voting against your own financial interests retards. See ya at the bottom!

  8. horsedreamer_1

    Oh, & that graphic: Rich "Uncle" Pennybags needs to be sued for false mustache, as the year is not 1974, so there are only two reasons to have such a thing (irony, &/or a desire to perform orally, on a woman). Of course, I don't see Pennybags on his knees.

  9. user-of-owls

    What about Alaska's $12 billion revenue surplus? Won't anyone think of the $12 billion revenue surplus?!

    *sob*

    1. PublicLuxury

      Have you ever hunted a teacher? Have you ever eaten a teacher stew? They taste awful. Chalk dust and overhead marker and kid sweat all overwhelming the natural tenderness of the product.

      1. GOPCrusher

        I find that they are bitter and tough from years in captivity.
        I prefer free-range teachers.

  10. Sue4466

    AK doesn't even have an income tax, but I'm guessing that doesn't stop the T'baggers from complaining about their money going to these leftie union types.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        The Commerce Dept/Census Bureau doesn't have the resources for that. They barely have enough manpower to count all of Michelle Bachmann's adopted &/or abducted children.

  11. Texan_Bulldog

    Alaska has unions? I wasn't aware all those meth lab workers were smart enough to unionize.

    1. irishdave3

      …but,but The Half-Baked Alaskan’s daddy is a teacher…transplanted fromm Idy Ho…Yeee Haw!

  12. LabRodent

    Alaska was in its own crazy cocoon until Walnuts released that screeching nutjob to the masses. I shall curse you to my last dying breath sir.

  13. SorosBot

    Begun, the class wars have. OK they've been going on for 30 years, but covertly, as sort of a phantom conflict, this is the beginning of the open warfare.

      1. SorosBot

        Or even complain about getting fucked; the poor (and remaining middle class) are supposed to lie back and enjoy it.

    1. Barbara_i

      Wonder if they used the same coathanger they used to get Todd out of the rental car when they accidentally locked him in?

    2. Ducksworthy

      Thank Gawd. If she had slouched into Bethlehem surely the second coming would have been at hand.

    3. Texan_Bulldog

      I love this quote:

      "It is unclear whether Mrs Palin and her team failed to realise that Bethlehem lay on Palestinian territory rather than in Israel, a mistake often made by foreign tourists, though not so often by visiting politicians."

      You can tell this dude is trying to be nice, but even he's thinking "WTF?"

      1. SorosBot

        But it is not unclear; this is Sarah Palin, of course her and her team are morons and unaware of basic facts outside of her personal life.

        1. Texan_Bulldog

          I know. She thought she could waltz in there like it's the freaking Grand Canyon or something. Nothing like embarrassing yourself on an international scale.

      2. horsedreamer_1

        What is this? Why have these new "Saluddins" been allowed to usurp control of the birthplace of our Messiah?

        (Psst: nobody tell Sarah that quite a few Palestinians are Christian.)

        1. SorosBot

          From her speech at the Wailing Wall she seems to think it's a holy Christian site; so I guess she's not sure why the Jews wouldn't keep Jesus' birthplace holy.

      3. donner_froh

        Maybe not trying too hard to be nice, though, since the Telegraph article also has:

        "The oversight could prove embarrassing for Mrs Palin's advisers, who are unused to planning for foreign visits and have a reputation for being poorly organised."

        1. Texan_Bulldog

          I doubt Snowbilly or her 'advisers' (aka Todd) ever feel any sense of embarrassment/self awareness or they would never let that woman open her mouth.

        2. comrad_darkness

          Once they chose the absolutely accurate word "aborted" for the title, I found the rest of the writing to be quite gentle. For British journalists, that is.

    4. Steverino247

      Typical of fundie Christians, though, to think the entire area belongs to Israel. When you get your geography from the Old Testament, you're bound to take a lot of U-turns.

      Can you imagine what it would be like to have this stupid cunt as Vice President? Holy shit! So, the obligatory FUCK YOU JOHN McCAIN has to be uttered here.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Dan Quayle redux.

        It's a shame nobody remembers what an head-case he was, even before the '92 re-election campaign & Murphy Brown & potatoe.

    5. Fare la Volpe

      She was tipped off by the complete lack of a gift shop.

      Bristol really wanted an "I <3 Jesus" mug.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        She's shacking up with some Latin King, already? Only been in Arizona a coupla months, too.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        It's a shame she didn't come to national prominence sooner, or her Austria trip could have included a hot, bi MMF with Sarah, Todd, & Jorg Haider (RIP).

    6. comrad_darkness

      If there is a god, she will let slip that when she is president we she will arrange a final solution to this problem. Come on sarah, prove there's a god.

    7. GOPCrusher

      I'd be willing to bet that this is not the first time that the words "Palin" and "Aborts" has been used in a sentence, nor will it be the last.

    1. bitchincamaro2

      Wouldn't be sportin' enough. However, aerial targeting of unionists and poors with the F-16's six-barreled M61A1 cannon would have 'baggers sportin' wood faster than a Bristol Palin reach-around.

  14. jonzin

    If you're rich, it's because you are awesome and you deserve it. If you are poor it's your own fault because of spending money on food and meth and caddies with rich peoples money. That's evolution! Even though we all know evolution is just some leftist crap to keep people from going to church and learning their rightful place in the world (on their needs sucking Moneybag's cock).

  15. horsedreamer_1

    Yet as all these state governments debate cracking down on union rights, a new Gallup poll indicates that the number of Americans who support collective bargaining outnumber those who oppose it by a factor of two-to-one. In reporting the poll, Fox & Friends, a flagship Fox News show, switched the results, alleging that 61 percent of Americans are in favor of taking away collective bargaining rights and just 33 percent oppose doing so. In fact, the results showed just the opposite, with 61 percent for collective bargaining rights and 33 percent against. This is not the first time Fox News has presented an inaccurate picture of polling results, although in this instance, anchor Brian Kilmeade did issue a correction in the final minute of the show.

    Republicans are stalwart: they don't pay attention to polls.

    Of course, look how it ended up for George W. Bush. He didn't heed the polls in his disfavour, & he still got to be president. Twice.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        I was referring to his resistence to the polling on Election Day.

        & I suppose that ingrate didn't get down on his knees to thank God for giving us Katherine Harris & Ken Blackwell.

  16. Ducksworthy

    Alaskuns are the most entitled people on earth. They deserve all the graft and moose meat they can eat because they bravely live in frozen hole unfit for human habitation 12 months out of the year. It's either dark and frozen or mosquito and black fly infested and to make it worse its inhabited mainly by libertarian meth heads. So they deserve government welfare.

      1. SorosBot

        But the polar bears are going extinct thanks to global warming, which according to Alaskans is LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

  17. ThundercatHo

    Sarah LouP better hurry home (bring bagels) since I'm sure she'll have something intelligent to add to this debate. On the other hand, it's Alaska, so who gives a shit?

    Re: Fighter jet buying the farm. I have these guys flying practise sorties over my house everyday. If they eject in my yard I'll be serving something stronger than juice. Unless their stupid plane wrecks my barn or hurts my horses, then I'll kick their ass.

    1. mayor_quimby

      I thought it was suspicious that it had mechanical failure, was something they forgot to check when they finally had the chance to bomb some shit again. I doubt it. Probably got winged by a SAM that survived the airstrikes and limped to rebel territory. What are the chances of a F-15 losing both engines? Not high.
      You know there's some Libyan dude bragging how he took out the crusaders' plane with his lowly AK – " One shot, I tell you Hassan, it was guided by the hand of Allah!"

  18. Troubledog

    I decided to leave you losers behind and get rich. Why keep fighting it? Just get rich and then they'll leave you alone too.

    1. Pithaughn

      I'll save you the trouble, Dog. A very wise person once said:
      You’re gonna have to serve somebody, yes indeed
      You’re gonna have to serve somebody
      Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord
      But you’re gonna have to serve somebody

      1. Troubledog

        I believe the author of that lyric – he is rich, c'est vrai? Apparently his perceptions on servitude have nothing to do with the merits of wealth accumulation.

        Gonna have to serve somebody, this is true
        Could be jesus or a Goldman Sachs Jew
        Piling up money till my time is through
        I'll be serving somebody but it won't be you

  19. ttommyunger

    Well at least it will create lots of jobs, like they promised to do………What? No, wait!

  20. MinAgain

    If the dems run to Canada, we'll never get them back. They'll be seduced by the sexy Canadian babes with their sultry socialist ways.

  21. undeterredbyreality

    Evrybody's doin' it, doin' it, doin' it
    Kickin' the poors and screwin' em screwin' em
    Think it's dandy, but it'snot.

  22. Troubledog

    Sorry, I couldn't make that out. I'm at a slave auction picking out some new business associates, and it's quite noisy.

  23. hagajim

    Ahhh…the mushroom stamping of America. I see Koch's everywhere, and when I turn around I see dildoes.

  24. squrrily

    Squrrily
    The Republican Party has sold itself to the middle class as the Party that will keep us armed, keep the gays in the closet, and keep God in our schools. In reality the are the Party of greed,the Party that will destroy the environment, and now the Party that will put a boot on the neck of the little guy. So, go ahead, vote Republican we deserve what we get.

  25. Serolf_Divad

    I guess I think the same thoughts, over and over, just chenging the working a bit. It's the Hollywood blockbuster model, applied to quotes instead of movie plots, actually.

  26. GOPCrusher

    Hey! Wait a minute. Isn't that some of that Left-Wing Hate Rhetoric? Why do you hate Xtians and Capitalism, you Commie skum?

  27. GOPCrusher

    With every state in the union suddenly declaring war on the Unions and the Working Class in the last month, I want some wingnut to explain to me again how everything they do is not orchestrated by some Corporatists.

  28. GeneralLerong

    This jackleg Gatto represents Palmer, Alaska's Hick Central.

    Ironically, most Alaskan spouses [the female ones] work public sector jobs despite the comparatively low pay so their family can have insurance and pension benefits while The Mighty Hunter or Commercial Fisherman…hunts and fishes.

Comments are closed.