U.S. About To Lose Another War

  we will be greeted as deliberators

Look sister, he just wants the Nazis' treasure, okay?Why are our war planes shootin’ up Libya right now? Just because we hadn’t done it in a while? Who knows! Does the U.S. want Gaddafi out of power? Russia and China seem to think so. Gaddafi’s compound was attacked by the U.S.’s super ally team. And Britain’s defense secretary, Liam Fox, said that killing Gaddafi could become an objective of the no-fly zone. So, although Congress still hasn’t signed off on this war, we may have a whole other country we will need to occupy, try to stabilize, and find a collection of new leaders to prop up. Isn’t that always the object of this sort of action? But the Obama administration won’t say it is, even though Obama says he wants Gaddafi gone. So Gaddafi will probably stay in power, and, according to the only plausible reason to shoot up Libya, we will have lost this war.

“We are not going after Qaddafi,” Vice Adm. William E. Gortney said at the Pentagon on Sunday afternoon, even as reports from Tripoli described a loud explosion and billowing smoke at the Qaddafi compound, suggesting that military units or a command post there might have been a target.

Who is in charge of this military and this dictator compound? The U.S. would probably like to have a word with him! No, not Gaddafi! They’re trying to bring down whichever mysterious individual is battling the rebels. Gaddafi surely has nothing to do with it.

But can this unknown Libyan leader be defeated?

“I hope it’s not too late,” Senator John McCain, Republican of Arizona, said on the CNN program “State of the Union” Sunday. “Obviously, if we had taken this step a couple of weeks ago, a no-fly zone would probably have been enough,” he said. “Now a no-fly zone is not enough. There needs to be other efforts made.”

Oh good, the man brought on the Sunday talk shows to show off his complete disconnect with reality has seen an opportunity to get a new war going. He won’t need the dick-hardening pills tonight.

Obama has come through on all his campaign promises, so certainly he won’t entangle the U.S. in another endless war like John McCain wants to. But Obama started a war anyway, a cute little half war, a war that cannot possibly meet his true objectives. So he will lose it. But hey, it seems pretty compromisey! That will help him get re-elected! [NYT]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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152 comments

  1. nounverb911

    "So, although Congress still hasn’t signed off on this war, we may have a whole other country we will need to occupy, try to stabilize, "
    That never stopped Bush and Cheney. So why should the republicans care now?

    1. Fuck Toad

      Hey, Bush got Congressional approval for both wars he started. Iraq was just illegal under international law.

    2. GeorgiaBurning

      When has congress (little 'c' intentional) voted to NOT allow a President his war? Was it back in the Jefferson Administration? Can we bring back Jeannette Rankin, or at least move her statue into the chambers and give it a vote?

    1. Sophist [DDS,DD,DFH]

      The only problem McCain has with this is that he isn't the one who gets to push the shiny red button that launches all those cool missiles at the brown people. That was his job, dammit, and Obama done stoled it from him.

  2. OC_xenon-133_Serf

    Shorter John McCain "KILL! KILL! KILL! What's the question?"

    After crashing numerous planes, Mccain is his own no-fly-zone…

    1. 教授 Zoom

      Nah, they just recognize it for the diversionary tactic that it is. You see, to advance his agenda of Worldwide Jihad, Obama has to occasionally sacrifice some fellow-Mooslins to fool the American sheeple. This is not a problem for him or the Mooslim world, because life is cheap to them, and because Mooslems are all just a half-step away from strapping on a bomb vest anyway.

  3. Badonkadonkette

    So, although Congress still hasn’t signed off on this war, we may have a whole other country we will need to occupy, try to stabilize, and find a collection of new leaders to prop up.

    Freedumb is doing this same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

  4. prommie

    This is just sloppy, its no way to run a country. You have to finish your wars, before you start new ones. Its just like my 5 year old, he keeps opening the new carton of milk before he finishes the old one. Next thing you know you have 3 rancid cartons of expired milk stinking up the fridge, and noone wants to touch them.

    1. BlueStateLibel

      That's THE best analogy for our precious three wars I've heard: "3 rancid cartons of expired milk stinking up the fridge."

    2. Dudleydidwrong

      Great analogy. Three-year old's response: "But this is MY carton of milk. You all drank from the others and they taste icky." So now Obama has his own carton, the one with the picture on the side that says "Have you seen this president?"

  5. user-of-owls

    I had a flicker of hope that this week would be merely "horrific" rather than "apocalyptic."

    You'd think I would have learned by now.

    1. Sophist [DDS,DD,DFH]

      You know, I think we're rapidly reaching the point where we need an adjective that's stronger that "apocolyptic". Ragnarokular? Götterdämmeriffic? Armageddalicious?

        1. AutomaticPilot

          But it would still take 500 bowls of that to equal the fiber in one bowl of Colon Blow.

  6. pukebot

    somebody spilled some coffee on a bunch of tomahawk missles. we had to send them somewhere so we could get some shiny new ones.

    1. V5¹6℠56³94

      Enghgng…wasn't Dubya Dubya Two the last "declared" war?

      And the Postmaster General isn't a cabinet member anymore either. Get w/the times, man!

        1. V5¹6℠56³94

          Korea was a coalition action, necessary to avoid greater suffering. Started as a limited campaign, and then…aw fuck, what a mess!

  7. nounverb911

    "I hope it’s not too late,” Senator John McCain, Republican of Arizona, said on the CNN program “State of the Union” Sunday. "
    Walnuts, you've already crashed enough planes, let someone else have some fun.

  8. sezme

    Look, from a foreign policy point of view, winning this warlet is beside the point. What's important is to be seen bombing bogeymen, and they've been in short supply since Saddam was captured and Bin Laden disapparated.

  9. user-of-owls

    Can't help but believe that the past several months have absolutely guaranteed a lucrative lifetime career for Ken Burns III.

  10. Lascauxcaveman

    Damn, we're getting dangerously close to having smarmy Naderite trolls come here and say "Told ya so."

    1. 教授 Zoom

      Since the Daily Show is on hiatus this week, my kiddo and I have been watching the 'Indecision 2000" segments online. We just got to the election itself yesterday, and the kiddo is having a hard time believing that a poorly-designed ballot in one Florida county made George Bush president.

      Also, we admitted a fair bit of grumbling agreement with the clip of Nader saying ''If [Gore] cannot defeat the bumbling Texas governor with that horrific record, what good is he? It should be a slam dunk.'' Even so, no love for Nader here.

    2. catchtheflava

      I can't speak for others, but I think this might have turned me into a smarmy Naderite troll.

      Mencken time: "To wage a war for a purely moral reason is as absurd as to ravish a woman for a purely moral reason"

    3. Pithaughn

      Don't tempt me. I'll troll you so hard your whole family will troll, will have trolling, be trolled. Never mind your family, forget that.

  11. EatsBabyDingos

    The Great War can be won with only McCain's soothing words from his tight lips. Can we remove his lips, clone them, and drop them with vengeance on Libya?

    We just need a Pack-a-Lips Now!

    1. HistoriCat

      Why bother with removing and cloning? It's time to recall McCain to active duty and drop him into Libya.

    1. BlueMonkeh

      “Wouldn’t it be an exciting thing to have leaders who believe all of us are equal?”
      I don't even know what that is supposed to mean in context with what Chucklhut was saying.

  12. bureaucrap

    What are we up to now? six, seven?
    Iraq
    Afghanistan
    Libya
    Yemen?
    Colombia?
    Mexico?
    Korea (as necessary)
    Nigeria?
    South Carolina

        1. bureaucrap

          War on drugs is covered by mexico and colombia.

          We are also, apparently, winning the war on sanity.

    1. cheaphits

      War on Poverty – it looks like we've defected and instead of eradicating it, we are bent on multiplying their ranks – this is a war it looks like we're winning (since we changed sides).

  13. pukebot

    The u.s.a. is 12-5-1. that's enough to get us in the playoffs and it looks like we're gonna get iran in the first round. i like our chances.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      What brackets are China and Rooshia in? I hear both those guys have a pretty deep bench.

  14. gef05

    You should have to pass an Ethics course before running for office. This way we might avoid some of these heinous situations.

    ha ha ha. I AM AN IDIOT

  15. MinAgain

    Amusing alt text is amusing.

    Wasn't Gaddafi's name spelled differently in the 80's? I seem to remember a K and an H in there somewhere.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      That's one the stylebooks have never reach an agreement on. Since it's a transliteration from a language that uses a whole 'nother alpahbet, anything goes.

      The Caveman stylebook prefers "Q-daffy."

  16. freakishlywrong

    Per Boner: "We're Broke"
    Republicans "But we want more war!"
    Boner "So be it"

    WHERE ARE THE JAWBS??

    1. BlueMonkeh

      U.S. fires 110 tomahawk missiles, each costs $569,000.
      DO THE MATH. If the U.S. is "broke", Mr. Boehner, how can we do this now?

      1. GOPCrusher

        Remember when the Republiklans were complaining that we were facing a shortage of Tomahawks because Clinton was firing them off into foreign countries because he got a blowjob?

  17. baconzgood

    This is like a suprise party war. Here I was all going to the Applebee's (Iran) with my girlfriend expecting my family to be there. When she started driving to Chili's (N. Korea) I thought OK the party's there. But, then she turned into the Red Lobster and what do you know…..All my Blackwater mercenaries were there!!!!!!!! It was a fun collateral damage time.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Serendipitous, as with all the "fraternization" among Xe mercenaries, their privates smell like a Red Lobster.

  18. hagajim

    Obama has come through on all his campaign promises

    Now that might be the funniest thing I have read in all my years….I know the Wonkette means to be ironic…but that was precious. Also – why are we bombing Libya? Because that's the only way we can re-order up some ridiculously expensive war machine weapons to replace the ones we just blew up. Now that will lead to job creation and viola! Obama saved the country by creating war machine jobz.

    1. V5¹6℠56³94

      Just dawned on ya, hengh? Dubya-Dubya 2 made a lot of fortunes as well. Believe it or not, there used to be such a thing as a "war profiteer," and they were not held in high regard!

  19. CliveWarren

    Relax, people! They are only talking about putting boots on the ground – no one has said anything about soldiers. It's just footwear, jeez…

  20. Terry

    So, is Gaddafhi stupid or delusional enough to still be hanging out in his bunker in Trippoli? Wouldn't he or his kin folk have thought to hightail it to one of their many other elegantly appointed bunkers located elsewhere in the country? Like way down south?

    1. HistoriCat

      Running your own country for decades tends to decrease your grasp on reality. On the bright side, in 50 years or so we'll have a great new "Gaddafi learns of …" meme from the film. By that point the "Hitler learns of …" meme will have run its course.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      He's probably chillin' in Morocco right now. They've got some great golf courses there.

  21. freakishlywrong

    Dear CNN and other God Awful Sunday shows,

    John McCain lost. He is not the President so what he thinks about anything is irrelevant.
    Droopy Dawg even less so.
    Please find a Democrat every now and then as well, a REAL Democrat, there are some still remaining in Congress.

    1. Pithaughn

      I think I heard Sen Dennis (K) on the BBC late last night, but he thinks the democratic aspirations of the pitiful Lybians will be ok without massive intervention from former colonial powers. Just think how much more marginal utility the Lybians will have if they Win on their own without superpower helping them. Something like that.

  22. SorosBot

    We have learned that Qaddafi himself will be inside the Death Compound. Many Bothans died to give us this information.

  23. Sophist [DDS,DD,DFH]

    And Britain’s defense secretary, Liam Fox, said that killing Gaddafi could become an objective of the no-fly zone.

    Confirming once and for all the longstanding rumour that Muammar Gaddafi can fly.

    Or, you know, that the whole "no fly zone" thing is just a cynical ploy to get a foot in the door but HA HA THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN RIGHT GUYS?

  24. DaRooster

    What is the current kickback the Gubmint gets for each bomb dropped on another country?
    $10… $15…?

    "America, handling the deficit one brown people's block at a time."

  25. metamarcisf

    Since we are broke, according to Scott Wanker, the only way to fund this war is to pass immediate tax cuts for those Americans earning over $250,000 per year. The money that is saved will go towards stimulating the economy which will then automatically trickle down into free aircraft carriers and bazookas. Plus, America should sell the rights to its national weapon, Colt .45 malt liquor.

  26. Oblios_Cap

    A Phyrric victory is still a victory. Big Picture, folks.

    Send in the Brits and let the Gazala Gallop begin!

  27. KeepFnThatChicken

    Munitions cost money, but they add to the taxes for our government. Helps pay for the war effort.

    1. arihaya

      they *abstained* in the resolution vote

      because apparently they are not as freedumb-loving as Americans

      1. sezme

        How dare you spoil my joke with *facts*? Seems kind of unamerican if you ask me (and for that I gave you an upfist)!

    1. LetUsBray

      Yes, but what's he collective? A teabag of fucks tard? A hoverround of fucks tard? A Wasilla of fucks tard?

      1. Sophist [DDS,DD,DFH]

        A group of fucks tard is a Beck.

        You know, like in the rhyme: "Peter Parker picked a Beck of blinkered bigots."

  28. philpjfry

    On the bright side, when was the last time America, England and France did something together? WW II. oh, I made myself sad.

  29. Gopherit

    The Afghan war is BORING. It's all IEDs, and mountain climbing, and blowing up civilians. We needed another meat and potatoes war with video coverage…….and what is Raytheon supposed to do unless we fire off a few hundred tomahawks? They might have to go all peace time and their engineers will get bored.

  30. 4TheTurnstiles

    They're doing it on the Milosevic model. First they bomb the shit out of the place, schedule elections, but leave the dictator in place until they can finally schedule a war tribunal in the Netherlands or some other flatland locale no one will remember where he'll die before facing a verdict. Done and done.

    1. Andrew Drinker

      I really hope it's that simple. I really do.

      I feel very conflicted about this whole attacking Libya thing and I just can't completely say it's all good or it's all bad. Maybe I need to listen to more Thom Hartmann.

  31. DerrickWildcat

    In a recent episode of, "No Reservations" Anthony Bourdain decided to be a good guy guy in Haiti and paid a street vendor to have an impromptu food party for a bunch of still hungry and homeless Haitians. This went well for about 5 minutes. Word quickly spread and it turned into a violent nightmare as hungry Haitians showed up and started pushing each other around and screaming trying to get a warm bowl of Pig fat slop.

    Ok, so we stop Gadhafi's ability to ground pound the civilians/opposing forces/Rebels…now what? What's to stop the civilians/opposing forces/Rebels from going hog wild and exacting revenge on Government loyalists and anyone they suspect of being a loyalist? Don't get me wrong, I'm not supporting Gadahfi here, but trying to be a good guy in this situation might well make things far worse.

    1. Pithaughn

      Quick, register FarWorse.US . That will be worth something someday. ( I already own I_S0_toldyouso.us )

  32. Naked_Bunny

    We should limit ourselves to enforcing the no-fly zone for now. Then Malia can oversee the actual invasion when she is president. That's the new American tradition.

    1. undeterredbyreality

      Let's modify the tradition a bit so Michelle takes over–she will kick some serious butt!

  33. V5¹6℠56³94

    Another reason to love Reagan: no endless wars.

    Can't really believe I'm saying it, but it's troo.

  34. fartknocker

    Dear John McCain:

    Kindly shut the fuck. Between your desire to engage in wars and Sarah Palin, you sir are a nothing but a walking kalostomy bag.

    Signed,
    Me and my liberal friends

  35. NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    [uncensored]
    Libya regime change
    by the
    Israel-First Crusaders
    Bloodthirsty Assassins

  36. NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    Your comment must be approved by the site admins before it will appear publicly.

    'only semi-controlled media'

  37. ulTIMum

    "Pardon me," said Rickie John one late night, back home early from his fishing trip, adressing a nervous shuffle in his closet while his wife was innocently aghasting in bed, "But you seem to be hovering where I'm gonna discharge this here weapon."

    Did, too. And the only question for the jury was whether a Man had a right to wreck his closet with small arms fire.

  38. BarackMyWorld

    So now we're attacking another middle eastern country, while the president's critics still cry that he's too liberal.

    This would be awesome satire if it wasn't true.

  39. owhatever

    Is a no-fly zone really an area that doesn't have flies? If so, why bomb it? We can use that technology because BBQ season is almost upon us.

  40. mumbly_ジョジョ

    You know, I'm not actually 100% comfortable dubbing all UN bombing funtimes a war that the US is fighting. Particularly because that implies that Dubya's invasion wasn't actually a new war, just an "escalation", just like the neocons tried to claim way back when in 2003.

    I mean, whether this is more like Serbia or more like Clinton-era Iraq is still sorta an open question, but there's enough difference between the two that one really ought to be considered a war, while the other, not so much.

    Also, two-time-never-been failed-presidential-candidate Walnuts! needs to shut the fuck up.

  41. chascates

    “Under any score, I don’t know how you could play this worse than this president has,” Santorum told POLITICO in a Sunday interview, as he took a break from yard work. “I think we’re going to be involved potentially in a very prolonged standoff, or U.N. peacekeeping, or who knows what could be involved in the long term? … The president put [us] in a very difficult situation.”

    But those 'situations' in Afghanistan & Iraq are going just fine.

  42. PublicLuxury

    This war belongs to that pig fucker Raygun. He was such a cock-sucking swine but couldn't take his balls out of Nancy's purse long enough to get this done correctly in 1986.

  43. Negropolis

    Somehow, in someone's mind, this has to prove to them that Obama is morally weak. As for me, all this proves is that G'Daddy pushed hard enough that he went from going from "begrudingly accepted/tolerated and eccentric" dictator to "The fuck!? Did you really just start a war with your own people with the world watching?" dictator. I'm usually pretty cynical, but I simply can't come to the conclusion that this is primarily or even significantly about testing weapons or going after oil.

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