It’s really a good thing Mother Jones exists in 2011, isn’t it? Because you’re sure not going to find a story about this in the New York Times or Washington Post:
Under a GOP-backed bill expected to sail through the House of Representatives, the Internal Revenue Service would be forced to police how Americans have paid for their abortions. To ensure that taxpayers complied with the law, IRS agents would have to investigate whether certain terminated pregnancies were the result of rape or incest. And one tax expert says that the measure could even lead to questions on tax forms: Have you had an abortion? Did you keep your receipt?
In testimony to a House taxation subcommittee on Wednesday, Thomas Barthold, the chief of staff of the nonpartisan Joint Tax Committee, confirmed that one consequence of the Republicans’ “No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act” would be to turn IRS agents into abortion cops—that is, during an audit, they’d have to detemine, from evidence provided by the taxpayer, whether any tax benefit had been inappropriately used to pay for an abortion.
So, ladies, after your rapist impregnates you, make sure to either have the rapist’s baby as GOD INTENDED or keep all your receipts for the friendly IRS agent. [Mother Jones]
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Here's an even better idea:
Allow me to take the 37,000 ovum I have left as a tax deduction!
Is the government going to set up their own tax preparation business, D&C Block?
I like your idea, Barbari_i, but only if I can write off the millions of sperm I've generated to date and in the future!
I have a handkerchief full of deductions right here.
Faptastic for you!
just as long as a census worker doesn't walk on my lawn.
Well, this sounds reasonable.
Comment deleted in deference to similar, earlier comment down the thread.
Stupidest fucking idea – EVER!!!!
Dear U.S. Government,
Please stay away from my whisker-biscuit. I don't think you have any say what I do.
Love,
Me
P.S. Where are the jobs, John Boehner?
Mmmm … whisker-biscuit ….
I have it good authority that there is Laser Technology available to eliminate that potential whisker burn potential. Just sayin…
I don't understand…what does this have to do with archery supplies?
I'm not gonna put my 'arrow' in that thing.
Is that a ham whisker bsicuit?
Boner has this bill on fast-track, so it must be creating literally thousands of jobs and balancing budgets.
Hey, we can't have you women getting uppity and thinking you're actual people with rights.
Which reminds me: with Olbermann gone, has anyone noticed that O'Donnell's show totally blows? Lame writing, too much Beck- and Billo-bashing (really, that's our job), too much showbiz talk (yes I know his wife was an admirably hot and funny actress), too much I-usta-work-in-Congress bragging, and more bore-ass interviews w/the usual MSNBC subjects: Ezra Klein, etc. Too bad — he's a smart guy and had the primo spot.
I always had dinner ready at 6:00, eager to watch some Keith. I would cheer the guests "Gene" "Ezra" "Nate" and then ignore Howard. I didn't really get off on Keith reading to me on Fridays, though. Unless it was a cool pirate story with a yacht. That always had my full attention. Yar!
Do you have jury duty today?
So, can we now deduct wire coat hangers as an expense? (I'm going straight to hell for that)
Ha. When was the last time you paid for a wire hanger?
Only to the extent that they cost more than 7% of your adjusted gross income.
Those denominators are shrinking fast.
The GOP is certainly proving that they really do believe in small government and freedom.
Yea!! Free forced vajayjay exams for everyone!!!
You mean the men will be forced to examine the vajayjays of the women? Not sure that law will pass. Just kidding, the Repubicans will pass it in a fetal heartbeat.
And then the senate will say, "Naw."
Honest, if the Republican House wasn't so busy passing symbolic, dumb, base-pandering bills that die in the Senate or face a sure veto from Barry, they could do some real damage.
"“No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act” would be to turn IRS agents into abortion cops"
This should help cut down on illicit affairs by republicans.
Rentboys don't get pregnant.
No it won't because they're all ass cowboys!
Is there a discount for cash only deals?
(Sorry, my snark hasn't woken up yet.)
CSI: IRS
"Looks like we might have a case of a legally protected medical procedure *takes off sunglasses* orrr tax fraud…."
GUITAR RIFF!
Republicans HATE big, intrusive government. That's why they want to have an IRS auditor stationed in every vagina in America.
They really hate intruding vaginas…assholes are so much better.
Yet they worship a totalitarian, misogynistic genocider who is WAAAAY too concerned with what you do with your naughty parts. All while shrieking about Freedom™.
And for my next impression: Me being totally fucking confused and crosseyed!
I just got a great idea for a romantic comedy starring Will Ferrell and Maggie Gyllenhaal.
Win!
With Wally Shawn as the IRS auditor…
And Alan Rickman as the gynecologist.
The Gee Oh Pee should slather that bill with KY Jelly and push it all the way up up where the sun don't shine.
I hope they get a vicious paper cut.
They would enjoy that…
Not when we squirt lemons all over them as part of an NEA funded public art project (gotta find some way to employ loser humanities graduates).
They would enjoy that even more, especially if we wore leather and brandished a riding crop….
…methinks I've said to much….
Kentucky jelly is the best. It's Randy and McConnelicious!
Awesome "new" name, Uijabodo.
All women have to do is get a lawyer and incorporate their ovaries. Then the teabaggers will fight to their dying breath to keep the government from regulating them. (And if you incorporate the rest of yourselvves you'll never pay taxes again!)
I think sex is already considered a Limited Partnership.
After 18 years of marriage, I can attest it becomes very limited.
Check with Arielle, but I think The Incorporated Ovaries are at the 9:30 Club tonight.
Really!?! I have been playing that one song by them, "Suck the Egg, Daddy-o" non-f'ing-stop!
Just when you think these crazy motherfuckers can't go any farther over the edge, they yell "Geronimo" and take another giant leap into the idiotsphere.
Well, at least now we know where the jobs are…everyone without a job is now hired to be a hoo-ha inspector for the IRS.
Finally! Something I can use my Poli-Sci degree for!
Wait… I thought the GOP didn't believe in taxes or Sharia Law.
Why don't they just declare rape a constitutional right of all white men and be done with it?
Let's ask Bachmann how many thousands of IRS agents will be hired for this.
Get your Gubbmint' paws off my vajayjay..
WHERE ARE THE JAWBS?
i am so glad this is the first story i read while battling a massive head cold.
Next up, "Men's Rights" advocates will whine about the unfair tax advantages lavished on rape victims. "I don't even HAVE a uterus–this is yet another government benefit that women get that I am barred from! After all, Martin Luther King said we should be judged on the content of our character, not the shape of our reproductive organs!!!!"
Earnest friend of Stan: Can we agree that… theoretically, Stan who wants to be called Loretta should have a right to have babies?
Aggravated friend of Stan: But he doesn't have a womb! Where's the fetus gonna gestate? In a box??
/Life of Brian/
Are you fucking kidding me with this shit, House Republicans? I hate you so much. So fucking much. I hate you more than a cat hates baby talk. I hate you more than a teabagger hates eating salad. I hate you more than Glenn Beck hates rationality. I hate you more than David Vitter hates a dry bottom.
I. Hate. You.
Scumsucking poopfarts. Every single one of them.
"I hate you more than a cat hates baby talk."
This is officially part of my working vocabulary now.
More than G. Beck hates W. Wilson?
I think 'hate' is an awfully harsh sentiment, don't you? Perhaps try deep breathing. Maybe Yoga. You could try cutting back on the caffine. Try Sanka brand decaffinated coffee. Or, you could use my stress release, a quickie with your partner.
Yoga sounds good. But a quickie with my partner could lead to an unwanted pregnancy, and I really don't want to deal with the potential audit.
Myyyyy widdle-iddle snooky-wookie fuzzy-poo kittywampus wuuuuvvvs baby talk.
But she hates Republican congressmen, so she's with you on that, at least.
Just like they promised, from day one, they are focused on JOBS JOBS JOBS.
Blowjobs you mean
The IRS will be hiring for vagina inspectors. Think of the benefits!
Wait, that's sockumalism government jerbs!
Keep digging that grave, assholes!
Women who spend, say $1000, for a legal abortion are subject to IRS audit. But wealthy folks in those "fight the IRS and win" commercials, can settle for pennies on the dollars — running up the deficit & shortchanging the troops — because the IRS doesn't have power to collect actual taxes.
So, let me see if I got this right.
Having IRS track purchases of goods and services over $600 via 1099s to make sure healthcare is adequately funded = evil soshialist fashist Marxism Nazism.
Having IRS track expenses of victims of rape to make sure no abortion took place = good.
WTF, guys. Srsly, WTF.
All of the sad, depressed DEMON-CRAPS who sat out the 2010 elections in favor of playing with their Obama bobblehead dolls have no one but themselves to blame for this rampant fucknuttery.
Nothing says CONFIDENTIAL medical procedure than having to report it to the IRS.
So all that conservative talk about how President Obama is going to make a big, fascist, intrusive machine out of the government — they were just complaining because they wanted to do that first, right?
We would jam at Joe's garage
We didn't have no dope or LSD
But a couple of quarts of beer
Would make it so the intonation
Would not offend you ear
Shitfuck. Mr. Hades, Can we trade Frank Zappa for the GOPers? They are just checking out a few days early…
No abortions for those Catholic Girls (There can be no replacement).
Horny little bastards just want to look at my whohaw. They can't look at their wife's so they want to see mine. Well forget it. I don't do that stuff, anymore.
"Please fill out this long form no-birth certificate."
Ah, Repugs, recycling yesterday's failed policies for a worse tomorrow. But, after reading this, I notice my SnarkMobile™ is running on somewhere between a quarter of a tank and empty.
Jesus, the IRS should be targeting wall street tax cheats instead of rape victims. What the fuck.
Did you have an abortion?
Ha ha! General Services Administration. Not sure they'd care. I was disappointed our little porn-tease yesterday only got 6 or 7 p-points. Usually that kind of stuff is gold around here.
Probably had something to do with the "get a room!" interjection.
I love HCat, seriously. They responded to the "whisker-biscuit" comment and I came close to saying, "get a room" but they are too cute.
We will live to perv another day. Oh wait, you live in California. Good luck with that radiation and stuff. I was going to take you out and buy you pancakes and everything.
They're so cute at your age, whatever the hell that is.
Oh, now I feel guilty for spoiling the mood! When the moment is right, ignore the cat in the corner licking himself.
Are the tips deductible?
Wait, so these are those famous IRS agents hired to enforce health care, right?
Also note that while Republicans are Very Concerned about the tax implications of abortions, they apparently want to defund tax enforcement efforts at large. Which makes sense, because spending money with a 10:1 rate of return in terms of revenue, without expanding the size of government, simply by enforcing existing laws, is totally not something you'd want to do, if you were "running the government like a business".
If the GOP is so intent on getting all up in my veejayjay, they can fucking buy me dinner first!
They want smaller government….so it can fit inside a uterus.
Then we could flush them out every 28 days.
Rape babies for some. IRS audited abortions for others!
Miniature American flags for all!
Oh fuck you , Republicans.
Is this creating jobs then? "Government Clam Inspector, IRS Division?" Seriously?
I'm going to do the patriotic thing and put my aborted fetuses in neatly labeled mason jars with the receipts taped to the front to make things easier for the auditor.
"Is this creating jobs then? "Government Clam Inspector, IRS Division?" Seriously?"
I *demand* that this job have a cool title, like "Sex Police". Also, I want a badge. And a hat.
"Sex Police?"
I would start a band just to have that name.
That's dumb. If you send them away, you can't eat them. And everyone knows aborted fetus is a delicacy.
That is very Barbara Bush of you.
Does anyone know where I can apply for one of these new IRS vajayjay-monitoring jobs? I think I am very well-qualified: I have a college degree, excellent organizational skills and an earnest enthusiasm for muff diving.
*bats eyelashes flirtatiously*
I just so happen to have applications for that job at my house. Why don't you stop by later this evening… cupcake?
1830: Time machine invented. It can, however, only travel forwards in a fixed 150 year jump. The inventor proudly displays it to the industrialists who bankrolled his research.
Industiralist #1: "But of what possible use can this contraption be?"
Industrialist #2: "We shall use it – and carry with us diamonds enough to set ourselves up in the future. Think of what we could do in, and indeed with, such a world."
Industrialist #1: "And if the future is inimical to our designs, to our ways? What then?"
Industrialist #2: "Then we shall do battle with it, my dear brother. We shall do battle with it."
One dead inventor, some destroyed records and a time jump later and you have an explanation for modern right-wing faith, business practices and government.
This would make an awesome movie, with Nicholas Cage as the time traveler guy.
[Yes, I *know* I used the words "awesome movie" and "Nicholas Cage" in the same sentence, but admit it, I'm right]
I must admit to having ripped off a little of Tim powers' The Anubis Gates there, but they've already ripped off his On Stranger Tides for POTC4, so I'm not losing any sleep over it.
You just have to catch him in the resurgent Cage phase, but even in his lowest lows I will always regard him highly.
and yes, you're right.
Nicholas Cage is the king of fun crappy movies, or one of them, anyway. Somewhere on the innertoobs, there's a mash-up of all the scenes where Cage goes into an eye-bugging, arm-waving tantrum, set to the theme music of "Requiem for a Dream" in the background. Cheesy goodness!
The horny little bitches wanted it. Look how they were dressed for chrissake. This will teach them some morals. They shouldn't dress like harlots and not expect the man to violently rape them. The men us lube so it is not forced.
They DESERVE an a naughty IRS spanking.
Duh Gov'Nuh (when Mayor of Wasilla) wanted victims to pay for their own rape kits. Now this.
So the poor woman has to keep track of two recepits under such trying circumstances? I'm working on my taxes right now and I can't find the recepit for the computer I bought last year.
Bill Maher said tonight that Sarah Palin is all for eliminating Planned Parenthood, because it eliminates two things that she sucks at, planning and parenthood.
"Do I smell a new romance in the air? "
Ah, springtime.
The birds, the bees, the flowers… the nukes… the IRS vadge police…
LOL, love "Vadge Police" The gay IRS guys cry, "We don't need no stinking vadges"
God bless MoJo. You keep government out of my doctor's office!
The audit should be fun.
It actually makes perfect sense. Since we're loath to tax the rich and corporations — you know, the only people with *actual money* — and nobody else has any money left, there's not a whole lot for the IRS to do with themselves these days, so they might as well spend their paid hours harassing people who make technically legal but unpopular choices, right?
This bill is so vile and disgusting, I am speechless.
Hey, I already admitted that I am thirty-eighteen!
un vecchio pirata?
Get a womb!
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