priorities of zion

Nuclear Holocaust May Affect Distant Nation’s Sushi Supply

And Belgians fear a lack of anime kiddie porn.Everybody suffers in their own way, okay? Don’t judge! Sometimes when somebody loves a fish in a very special way, that person is unhappy when the fish can’t be shipped from Japan, on the other side of the world.

Is this a real thing? Because we here at Wonkette very much enjoy eating ourselves some sushi — although we’ve sworn off the unsustainable stuff such as toro (bluefin) and actually use this guide to order fish that’s plentiful and caught in sane numbers — and we know that the tastiest seafood is your fresh, locally caught seafood. Isn’t Israel next to a sea? What the hell, people, eat the fish you’ve got right there. Also, Israel? This makes you look like assholes, again. Perception is reality, etc., right? Jesus christ …. [Ynet via Wonkette operative “Oren”]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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    1. Chicken Beaver

      I read this as "Kander & Ebb," wondering "What the fuck? Chicago?"

      "You know, some guys just can't hold their strontium."

    2. OneDollarJuana

      What about unagi?

      And let's get this straight. "Sushi" is the seasoned rice, not the fish. There are varieties that don't have any fish at all, such as tamago (an omelet sushi), or inari-zushi (a fried tofu sushi). And the fish isn't raw all the time. My favorite is unagi (freshwater eel), which is usually barbecued and is wonderful.

    3. sezme

      I don't think that word means what you think it means… Though considering your avatar, it was probably just a typo. Anyway, Kane means money (kosher?) but crab is kani.

      I know I'm being pedantic, but I expect the Japanese are currently occupied with more important things than correcting romaji typos (like making sushi for the Middle East).

    4. WhatTheHolyHeck

      Fake crab is made of whitefish, which is so Jewish it's ridiculous.

      Not so much, though, with the octopus, squid, clam,scallop, lobster, sea urchin…

  1. Gorillionaire

    Careful, Wonkette, you may have to issue a sniveling public apology and immediately resign your position.

  2. memzilla

    I think there will be plenty of freshly-killed fish available for harvest soon. Just order the potassium iodide wasabi on the side.

      1. Sophist [DDS,DD,DFH]

        What if glows, has scales, seven eyes, tentacles, claws, feet, and quietly begs for death in German?

        1. Preferred Customer

          I don't think you want to be eating Cthulu's spawn, no matter how much it begs to die.

    1. jus_wonderin

      Because the outline of Todd's tight jeans tells you Sarah has only been getting cut fugu?

  3. neiltheblaze

    I stupidly never contemplated how this would affect the Israelis, because of my concern about how it would affect Sarah Palin.

    1. Ruhe

      Bobby Flay did a throw down once against a Sushi Chef and totally killed the guy by using American made Grade A canned anus as a primary ingredient in his version of the California Roll.

    1. Mahousu

      What language was that Wikipedia article written in? It has some surprising similarities with English at a few points.

      Not too many points, though. Sample quote: Fishing and fishermen are mentioned in the Bible several times, as in "we, Ahdygym, abalone, all – throws annotation Wait; differences Mchmarat on – the – water, unhappy" (Isaiah nineteenth h).

  4. Sophist [DDS,DD,DFH]

    Isn't there a part in the bible where Jesus uses one fish to make sushi for like a thousand people? All you Jews have to do is covert and the sashimi will flow like wine.

    1. gef05

      "24:42 And they gave him a piece of a broiled fish, and of an honeycomb, and of a dynamite spicy special roll."

      1. Ken Layne

        24:43 And verily they tempura fried everything four or five times, and did put hella weird cream sauce upon it, because American frat boys were there.

  5. Come here a minute

    If they only had a savior who could stretch out the availabilty of the current inventory of fishes (loaves, also too).

  6. SayItWithWookies

    Too bad the Maccabbees aren't there — they'd make the last bit of sushi last for eight days.

  7. jus_wonderin

    Maybe, if Israel made Japan feel guilty enough, Japan would walk the extra few blocks to get the sushi and schlep it back.

  8. LesBontemps

    Nuclear Holocaust May Affect Distant Nation’s Sushi Supply

    Well, as long as you're having a holocaust, might as well invite the Jews.

  9. SorosBot

    And what about me? I've had to make do with old tentacle rape cartoons to fap to for the past week.

  10. LabRodent

    Tsumani jokes, Nuclear Plume cloud jokes, now you through in the Jews. I'll pass….I need this job.

  11. Chicken Beaver

    Here's a shortage I look forward to:

    Anything that makes white princess children cry. Nail polish shortage, gas prices going up, irreducible muffin top, boyfriend a total dork… that kinda thing.

  12. WhatTheHeck

    So what's wrong with a mutated fish. There's extra organs for the same price to slice and dice.

  13. prommie

    Time for Yeats now:

    Turning and turning in the widening gyre
    The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
    Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
    Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
    The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
    The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
    The best lack all conviction, while the worst
    Are full of passionate intensity.

    Surely some revelation is at hand;
    Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
    The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
    When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
    Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
    A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
    A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
    Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
    Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
    The darkness drops again; but now I know
    That twenty centuries of stony sleep
    Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
    And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
    Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

    1. mereoblivion

      Thanks for the whole shepherd's pie this time, prommie. Just the one line at the other thread had me feeling awful peckish.

    2. WriteyWriterton

      He could have written, "Are we completely fecked yet?" and it would have done the job, but he's (1) Irish, so (2) probably garrulously drunk.

      1. HistoriCat

        Hmmm – between St. Patrick's Day and the poor sushi-lovin Israelis, I'm cast back in time and remember going to O'Brienstein's in Richmond. Is that place still around?

    3. Pithaughn

      I get it! He was using irony, slow thighs is metaphor for the tsunami that moves at near supersonic speeds.!? No?

  14. OneYieldRegular

    Hmm. Perhaps Israel *can't* use the local fish because, well, not so long ago they happened to bomb a power plant in southern Lebanon in retaliation for Hezbollah kidnapping two Israeli soldiers, causing a massive oil spill, the largest ecological disaster ever to hit the eastern Mediterranean. The moral of this story: either get your fish from somewhere nowhere near any kind of power plant, or make do with the canned rations in your emergency survival kit like the rest of us.

  15. Lascauxcaveman

    One is put to mind about rich California liberals wringing their hands over brutal, draconian crackdowns on illegal aliens, and its chilling effect on the ready supply of gardeners and maids.

    1. Ruhe

      And so to extend the analogy illegals would be the labor market version of Fugu, delicious but toxic?

    2. SorosBot

      Not just liberals – I like how a Texas state representative proposed a law that would have imposed heavy penalties on anyone who hires "illegal" aliens, but exempted hires for domestic help.

  16. JoshuaNorton

    Traif!!!!!!!!!! My former Jewish girlfriend would only eat Sushi if it was well done.

    1. mereoblivion

      "I took some sushi home one night and put it in the microwave. It tasted like fish!" (too obscure?)

  17. GuyClinch

    There, I gave you an upfist and a reply, so that should help. Also, those are some priorities!

  18. DashboardBuddha

    Baldar, by dint of your picture alone (although your comments are good as well), I'm going to do everything in my power to get you to 110.

  19. randcoolcatdaddy

    I'm sure John Bolton thinks that the sushi shortage is a good reason to bomb Iran.

  20. widestanceroman

    Cheer up, Israel, a giant, if shrill, Alaska Roll is on its way (just make sure you have bendy straws or you'll have troubles you shouldn't know from).

  21. WriteyWriterton

    Well, I'm not worried about a sushi-fail. In my office, it's March of Dimes Hot Dog and Nachos Day!

  22. Steverino247

    Well, since when has Israel been worried about the perceptions of others?

    Also, I guess Israel won't be considered as a replacement for AFLAC Duck voice talent Gilbert Gottfried, either.

  23. EatsBabyDingos

    Oh, those soft Isrealites. My people had to live on canned smoked oysters in ketchup and lutefisk for seven months out of the year in the little town of Noiafdpnaor, Norway. And no Burger King. Now that's suffering. Yumpin' Yimminies!

  24. mrpuma2u

    Maybe they can freeze all those dead sardines off of Redondo beach and emergency airlift them to Israel. We can pay for that with our tax dollars instead of fixing our own infrastructure. Gotta keep our middle east neighborhood bully for hire happy.

    1. natoslug

      Sales of lead-lined Depends are driving the markets up. Shouldn't that be radioactive silence?

  25. Slim_Pickins

    Wouldn't Pacific Ocean fish be considered tref? Since the species aren't likely to be mentioned in the bible.

  26. cheaphits

    On his way out to stock up on sushi Obama visits Japanese Embassy; signs condolence book during unannounced stop.

    True stuff – well at least the last part.

    Nice enough, but hardly commander-in-chiefish.,

  27. a_pink_poodle

    People eat sushi? I'm Asian and I find the stuff disgusting.

    Cook your fish in cow urine with a side of shredded baby chicks like a civilized human being, people!

  28. tcaalaw

    50 Cent said, "Get P'd or die trying." Actually, wait, I think it was R. Kelly who said that….

  29. deanbooth

    No amount of pee is ever enough for you centurions. I've promised myself that once I reach 100, I will no longer crave pee. That's all I need. …and my thermos.

  30. NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    Must be an antisemitic plot.

    Quite soon, the media and governments
    will be discredited in spectacular fashion

    "Nuclear Holocaust May Affect Rich Nation’s Sushi Supply"

Comments are closed.