priorities of zion

Nuclear Holocaust May Affect Distant Nation’s Sushi Supply

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And Belgians fear a lack of anime kiddie porn.Everybody suffers in their own way, okay? Don’t judge! Sometimes when somebody loves a fish in a very special way, that person is unhappy when the fish can’t be shipped from Japan, on the other side of the world.

Is this a real thing? Because we here at Wonkette very much enjoy eating ourselves some sushi — although we’ve sworn off the unsustainable stuff such as toro (bluefin) and actually use this guide to order fish that’s plentiful and caught in sane numbers — and we know that the tastiest seafood is your fresh, locally caught seafood. Isn’t Israel next to a sea? What the hell, people, eat the fish you’ve got right there. Also, Israel? This makes you look like assholes, again. Perception is reality, etc., right? Jesus christ …. [Ynet via Wonkette operative “Oren”]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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  • nounverb911

    Kane and ebi are not kosher. (Crab and shrimp in english)

    • Chicken Beaver

      I read this as "Kander & Ebb," wondering "What the fuck? Chicago?"

      "You know, some guys just can't hold their strontium."

    • OneDollarJuana

      What about unagi?

      And let's get this straight. "Sushi" is the seasoned rice, not the fish. There are varieties that don't have any fish at all, such as tamago (an omelet sushi), or inari-zushi (a fried tofu sushi). And the fish isn't raw all the time. My favorite is unagi (freshwater eel), which is usually barbecued and is wonderful.

    • sezme

      I don't think that word means what you think it means… Though considering your avatar, it was probably just a typo. Anyway, Kane means money (kosher?) but crab is kani.

      I know I'm being pedantic, but I expect the Japanese are currently occupied with more important things than correcting romaji typos (like making sushi for the Middle East).

    • WhatTheHolyHeck

      Fake crab is made of whitefish, which is so Jewish it's ridiculous.

      Not so much, though, with the octopus, squid, clam,scallop, lobster, sea urchin…

  • Gorillionaire

    Careful, Wonkette, you may have to issue a sniveling public apology and immediately resign your position.

  • Hatrabbit

    I can sympathize. I know I'll miss my morning bowl of 'scientific' whale blubber.

  • DaSandman

    Oy yey! Another trial…

    • BaldarTFlagass

      The Jewish people have been suffering for over 2,000 years, and now this.

  • memzilla

    I think there will be plenty of freshly-killed fish available for harvest soon. Just order the potassium iodide wasabi on the side.

  • ablington

    I fear that the use of the word 'fear' has become really haphazard in our news reporting.

  • ThundercatHo

    If it's glowing is it still Kosher?

    • nounverb911

      Only if the fish have scales.

      • Sophist [DDS,DD,DFH]

        What if glows, has scales, seven eyes, tentacles, claws, feet, and quietly begs for death in German?

        • genxr

          I'm no expert, but I'd have to go with kosher.

        • Preferred Customer

          I don't think you want to be eating Cthulu's spawn, no matter how much it begs to die.

        • Ken Layne

          It's probably Cthulhu. Not the main one, but little Ari Cthulhu.

          • horsedreamer_1

            He's so vain.

    • OneDollarJuana

      You can't mix plutonium and mox in the same pan.

  • Barbara_i

    Oh poo! I was going to send Sarah Palin a case of uncut fugu.

    • nounverb911

      Just send her some pate de fois fugu instead.

    • jus_wonderin

      Because the outline of Todd's tight jeans tells you Sarah has only been getting cut fugu?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Oh right. Like she's not already well stocked with poison and venom.

    • mayor_quimby

      Try sending her the oogoo, the Aflac duck said it is delicious

  • nounverb911

    Gefilte Fish futures are on the rise!

  • SorosBot

    And here I was just thinking, "what does the Japanese crisis mean for Israel?"
    -Joe Liberman

  • neiltheblaze

    I stupidly never contemplated how this would affect the Israelis, because of my concern about how it would affect Sarah Palin.

  • The_Great_Gazoo

    At least we still have canned anus to enjoy.

    • Ruhe

      Bobby Flay did a throw down once against a Sushi Chef and totally killed the guy by using American made Grade A canned anus as a primary ingredient in his version of the California Roll.

  • ifthethunderdontgetya

    Does the Dead Sea have dead fish?

    P.S. etc.

    • Barbara_i

      No, but Wasilla has one. (this may be a repeat post, Wonkette is wonked for me today)

    • Mahousu

      What language was that Wikipedia article written in? It has some surprising similarities with English at a few points.

      Not too many points, though. Sample quote: Fishing and fishermen are mentioned in the Bible several times, as in "we, Ahdygym, abalone, all – throws annotation Wait; differences Mchmarat on – the – water, unhappy" (Isaiah nineteenth h).

  • Serolf_Divad

    No blood for Sushi!

  • ManchuCandidate

    Oh won't someone think of the noshers?

  • GuyClinch

    And there is global concern over the supply of bukkake porn. And by global, I mean my desk.

    • hagajim

      Your bukkake should be OK…might glow in the dark though.

  • Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    Beluga libel!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Guess they'll have to resort to that old standby, take-out Chinese.

    • Ruhe

      Do they get that from the other side of the world too?

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Yeah, but China is down-wind.

  • ProgressiveInga

    Gilbert Gottfried is that you?

  • Sophist [DDS,DD,DFH]

    Isn't there a part in the bible where Jesus uses one fish to make sushi for like a thousand people? All you Jews have to do is covert and the sashimi will flow like wine.

    • gef05

      "24:42 And they gave him a piece of a broiled fish, and of an honeycomb, and of a dynamite spicy special roll."

      • Ken Layne

        24:43 And verily they tempura fried everything four or five times, and did put hella weird cream sauce upon it, because American frat boys were there.

  • kittenbomb

    Fortunately Israel is here to shed some perspective on this senseless tragedy. Because before this? Meh…

  • arihaya

    Fish Libel !!

  • hagajim

    Hell Wonkette…do you like Arugula with your sushi too….so very liberal of you..

  • Weenus299

    Susie shaves seven shieks' sheep seeking sushi shortage.

  • the_onceler

    I'm sure that the Palestinians in Gaza are also concerned about this.

  • Come here a minute

    If they only had a savior who could stretch out the availabilty of the current inventory of fishes (loaves, also too).

  • SayItWithWookies

    Too bad the Maccabbees aren't there — they'd make the last bit of sushi last for eight days.

    • LesBontemps

      This week is Purim; who the fuck is making sushi hamantaschen?

  • jus_wonderin

    Maybe, if Israel made Japan feel guilty enough, Japan would walk the extra few blocks to get the sushi and schlep it back.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Well, Israel's mother could probably do this.

  • JustPixelz

    In Japan, the tsumani delivered the raw fish right to people's doorsteps. So it was a big win for them.

    • SayItWithWookies

      It's just unfortunate their doorsteps aren't anywhere near their houses.

    • Chet Kincaid

      Barbara Bush, is that you?

      • SorosBot

        I think it's Gilbert Gotfried.

  • freakishlywrong

    Blinky is not amused.

    • FraAnima

      Totoro is not amused either.

  • LesBontemps

    Nuclear Holocaust May Affect Distant Nation’s Sushi Supply

    Well, as long as you're having a holocaust, might as well invite the Jews.

    • FraAnima


  • SorosBot

    And what about me? I've had to make do with old tentacle rape cartoons to fap to for the past week.

    • GuyClinch

      I know! You've seen 8,342, you've seen them all.

  • Midway117

    Thank you all for making me laugh out loud for the first time in two weeks.

  • LabRodent

    Tsumani jokes, Nuclear Plume cloud jokes, now you through in the Jews. I'll pass….I need this job.

  • Chicken Beaver

    Here's a shortage I look forward to:

    Anything that makes white princess children cry. Nail polish shortage, gas prices going up, irreducible muffin top, boyfriend a total dork… that kinda thing.

  • Rosie_Scenario

    Sushi libel!

  • WhatTheHeck

    So what's wrong with a mutated fish. There's extra organs for the same price to slice and dice.

  • prommie

    Time for Yeats now:

    Turning and turning in the widening gyre
    The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
    Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
    Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
    The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
    The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
    The best lack all conviction, while the worst
    Are full of passionate intensity.

    Surely some revelation is at hand;
    Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
    The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
    When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
    Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
    A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
    A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
    Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
    Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
    The darkness drops again; but now I know
    That twenty centuries of stony sleep
    Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
    And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
    Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

    • mereoblivion

      Thanks for the whole shepherd's pie this time, prommie. Just the one line at the other thread had me feeling awful peckish.

    • GuyClinch

      Well, look who's so fancy!

    • WriteyWriterton

      He could have written, "Are we completely fecked yet?" and it would have done the job, but he's (1) Irish, so (2) probably garrulously drunk.

      • HistoriCat

        Hmmm – between St. Patrick's Day and the poor sushi-lovin Israelis, I'm cast back in time and remember going to O'Brienstein's in Richmond. Is that place still around?

    • Pithaughn

      I get it! He was using irony, slow thighs is metaphor for the tsunami that moves at near supersonic speeds.!? No?

      • Tommmcatt

        Nah, "slow thighs" is a metaphor for Hillary Clinton.

        • prommie

          Slow thighs and saddlebags.

  • prommie

    He predicted Palin.

  • fuflans

    good to know israel doesn't have any other problems.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Hmm. Perhaps Israel *can't* use the local fish because, well, not so long ago they happened to bomb a power plant in southern Lebanon in retaliation for Hezbollah kidnapping two Israeli soldiers, causing a massive oil spill, the largest ecological disaster ever to hit the eastern Mediterranean. The moral of this story: either get your fish from somewhere nowhere near any kind of power plant, or make do with the canned rations in your emergency survival kit like the rest of us.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    One is put to mind about rich California liberals wringing their hands over brutal, draconian crackdowns on illegal aliens, and its chilling effect on the ready supply of gardeners and maids.

    • Ruhe

      And so to extend the analogy illegals would be the labor market version of Fugu, delicious but toxic?

    • SorosBot

      Not just liberals – I like how a Texas state representative proposed a law that would have imposed heavy penalties on anyone who hires "illegal" aliens, but exempted hires for domestic help.

  • JoshuaNorton

    Traif!!!!!!!!!! My former Jewish girlfriend would only eat Sushi if it was well done.

    • mereoblivion

      "I took some sushi home one night and put it in the microwave. It tasted like fish!" (too obscure?)

    • arihaya

      rather than fresh sushi ,, she might prefer fresh "sausage" perhaps?

    • jqheywood

      Is she no longer Jewish, or is she no longer your girlfriend?

  • aguacatero

    Israel, Israel, Israel — always showing off with its capacity for empathy.

  • Ruhe

    Not righteous!

  • GuyClinch

    There, I gave you an upfist and a reply, so that should help. Also, those are some priorities!

  • DashboardBuddha

    Baldar, by dint of your picture alone (although your comments are good as well), I'm going to do everything in my power to get you to 110.

  • phlox✔

    Oy vey.

    • Jim89048

      Or soy vey.

      • ShaveTheWhales

        An excellent teriyaki sauce.

  • chascates

    Oh, just cut up another Palestinian child and serve that with wasabi.

  • freakishlywrong

    It's no picnic. And fucking IMPOSSIBLE to get to 111.

  • Redhead

    My food before someone else's suffering – what an American way to prioritize.

  • JoshuaNorton

    You've set the bar kind of low on your Bucket List.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Udon crossed the line.

  • MinAgain

    What the whale…?

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    I'm sure John Bolton thinks that the sushi shortage is a good reason to bomb Iran.

  • widestanceroman

    Cheer up, Israel, a giant, if shrill, Alaska Roll is on its way (just make sure you have bendy straws or you'll have troubles you shouldn't know from).

    • Ken Layne

      It's on the way all right … see new post.

      • widestanceroman

        Does this make me an operative now and do I get a badge?

        • LesBontemps

          Badges? You don't need no …. aw I just can't do it.

  • WriteyWriterton

    Well, I'm not worried about a sushi-fail. In my office, it's March of Dimes Hot Dog and Nachos Day!

    • WriteyWriterton

      Of course, I'm in a remote/undisclosed location so no HDs or Ns for me.

  • Steverino247

    Well, since when has Israel been worried about the perceptions of others?

    Also, I guess Israel won't be considered as a replacement for AFLAC Duck voice talent Gilbert Gottfried, either.

  • DerrickWildcat

    Shinto Jews face a big dilemma.

  • LesBontemps

    Miso horny. Wait, what?

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Oh, those soft Isrealites. My people had to live on canned smoked oysters in ketchup and lutefisk for seven months out of the year in the little town of Noiafdpnaor, Norway. And no Burger King. Now that's suffering. Yumpin' Yimminies!

  • Jim89048

    I thought Arielle was our food editor?

  • mrpuma2u

    Maybe they can freeze all those dead sardines off of Redondo beach and emergency airlift them to Israel. We can pay for that with our tax dollars instead of fixing our own infrastructure. Gotta keep our middle east neighborhood bully for hire happy.

  • Come here a minute

    Oh sure, with the stock markets up today — radio silence.

    • natoslug

      Sales of lead-lined Depends are driving the markets up. Shouldn't that be radioactive silence?

    • Ken Layne

      Larry Kudlow has the day off.

  • MarionNYNY

    Oy vey! BFTJ! Just sayin'

  • Slim_Pickins

    Wouldn't Pacific Ocean fish be considered tref? Since the species aren't likely to be mentioned in the bible.

  • cheaphits

    On his way out to stock up on sushi Obama visits Japanese Embassy; signs condolence book during unannounced stop.

    True stuff – well at least the last part.

    Nice enough, but hardly commander-in-chiefish.,

  • poncho_pilot

    i did some research and i get it now. this is what they think Noah's Ark looked like:

  • FlownOver

    Why is this raw fish different from all other raw fish?

  • FlownOver

    Those of us who toil in the banality of the Nineties envy your triple digits.

  • a_pink_poodle

    People eat sushi? I'm Asian and I find the stuff disgusting.

    Cook your fish in cow urine with a side of shredded baby chicks like a civilized human being, people!

  • Thedongsofwar

    Just take the lox out of the bagels for a few months and pretend its sashimi. That and we can all stop pretending gefilte fish is edible.

  • tcaalaw

    50 Cent said, "Get P'd or die trying." Actually, wait, I think it was R. Kelly who said that….

  • blogslut

    "Priorities of Zion"


  • zappadoo76

    Will the suffering never end?

  • deanbooth

    No amount of pee is ever enough for you centurions. I've promised myself that once I reach 100, I will no longer crave pee. That's all I need. …and my thermos.

  • pinkocommi

    To look on the bright side, there is still plenty of shellfish and bacon.

  • NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    Must be an antisemitic plot.

    Quite soon, the media and governments
    will be discredited in spectacular fashion

    "Nuclear Holocaust May Affect Rich Nation’s Sushi Supply"