PRIORITIES OF ZION  12:21 pm March 17, 2011

Nuclear Holocaust May Affect Distant Nation’s Sushi Supply

by Ken Layne

And Belgians fear a lack of anime kiddie porn.Everybody suffers in their own way, okay? Don’t judge! Sometimes when somebody loves a fish in a very special way, that person is unhappy when the fish can’t be shipped from Japan, on the other side of the world.

Is this a real thing? Because we here at Wonkette very much enjoy eating ourselves some sushi — although we’ve sworn off the unsustainable stuff such as toro (bluefin) and actually use this guide to order fish that’s plentiful and caught in sane numbers — and we know that the tastiest seafood is your fresh, locally caught seafood. Isn’t Israel next to a sea? What the hell, people, eat the fish you’ve got right there. Also, Israel? This makes you look like assholes, again. Perception is reality, etc., right? Jesus christ …. [Ynet via Wonkette operative "Oren"]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 130 comments }

nounverb911 March 17, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Kane and ebi are not kosher. (Crab and shrimp in english)

Chicken Beaver March 17, 2011 at 1:27 pm

I read this as "Kander & Ebb," wondering "What the fuck? Chicago?"

"You know, some guys just can't hold their strontium."

OneDollarJuana March 17, 2011 at 1:49 pm

What about unagi?

And let's get this straight. "Sushi" is the seasoned rice, not the fish. There are varieties that don't have any fish at all, such as tamago (an omelet sushi), or inari-zushi (a fried tofu sushi). And the fish isn't raw all the time. My favorite is unagi (freshwater eel), which is usually barbecued and is wonderful.

sezme March 17, 2011 at 1:58 pm

I don't think that word means what you think it means… Though considering your avatar, it was probably just a typo. Anyway, Kane means money (kosher?) but crab is kani.

I know I'm being pedantic, but I expect the Japanese are currently occupied with more important things than correcting romaji typos (like making sushi for the Middle East).

WhatTheHolyHeck March 17, 2011 at 3:50 pm

Fake crab is made of whitefish, which is so Jewish it's ridiculous.

Not so much, though, with the octopus, squid, clam,scallop, lobster, sea urchin…

Gorillionaire March 17, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Careful, Wonkette, you may have to issue a sniveling public apology and immediately resign your position.

Hatrabbit March 17, 2011 at 12:24 pm

I can sympathize. I know I'll miss my morning bowl of 'scientific' whale blubber.

DaSandman March 17, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Oy yey! Another trial…

BaldarTFlagass March 17, 2011 at 12:32 pm

The Jewish people have been suffering for over 2,000 years, and now this.

memzilla March 17, 2011 at 12:25 pm

I think there will be plenty of freshly-killed fish available for harvest soon. Just order the potassium iodide wasabi on the side.

ablington March 17, 2011 at 12:26 pm

I fear that the use of the word 'fear' has become really haphazard in our news reporting.

ThundercatHo March 17, 2011 at 12:26 pm

If it's glowing is it still Kosher?

nounverb911 March 17, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Only if the fish have scales.

Sophist [DDS,DD,DFH] March 17, 2011 at 12:34 pm

What if glows, has scales, seven eyes, tentacles, claws, feet, and quietly begs for death in German?

genxr March 17, 2011 at 12:39 pm

I'm no expert, but I'd have to go with kosher.

Preferred Customer March 17, 2011 at 12:46 pm

I don't think you want to be eating Cthulu's spawn, no matter how much it begs to die.

Ken Layne March 17, 2011 at 2:25 pm

It's probably Cthulhu. Not the main one, but little Ari Cthulhu.

horsedreamer_1 March 17, 2011 at 2:32 pm

He's so vain.

OneDollarJuana March 17, 2011 at 2:00 pm

You can't mix plutonium and mox in the same pan.

Barbara_i March 17, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Oh poo! I was going to send Sarah Palin a case of uncut fugu.

nounverb911 March 17, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Just send her some pate de fois fugu instead.

jus_wonderin March 17, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Because the outline of Todd's tight jeans tells you Sarah has only been getting cut fugu?

elviouslyqueer March 17, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Oh right. Like she's not already well stocked with poison and venom.

mayor_quimby March 17, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Try sending her the oogoo, the Aflac duck said it is delicious http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tw10xa_xtNg

nounverb911 March 17, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Gefilte Fish futures are on the rise!

SorosBot March 17, 2011 at 12:26 pm

And here I was just thinking, "what does the Japanese crisis mean for Israel?"
-Joe Liberman

neiltheblaze March 17, 2011 at 12:27 pm

I stupidly never contemplated how this would affect the Israelis, because of my concern about how it would affect Sarah Palin.

The_Great_Gazoo March 17, 2011 at 12:27 pm

At least we still have canned anus to enjoy.

Ruhe March 17, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Bobby Flay did a throw down once against a Sushi Chef and totally killed the guy by using American made Grade A canned anus as a primary ingredient in his version of the California Roll.

ifthethunderdontgetya March 17, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Does the Dead Sea have dead fish?

P.S. etc.
~

Barbara_i March 17, 2011 at 12:43 pm

No, but Wasilla has one. (this may be a repeat post, Wonkette is wonked for me today)

Mahousu March 17, 2011 at 2:19 pm

What language was that Wikipedia article written in? It has some surprising similarities with English at a few points.

Not too many points, though. Sample quote: Fishing and fishermen are mentioned in the Bible several times, as in "we, Ahdygym, abalone, all – throws annotation Wait; differences Mchmarat on – the – water, unhappy" (Isaiah nineteenth h).

Serolf_Divad March 17, 2011 at 12:28 pm

No blood for Sushi!

ManchuCandidate March 17, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Oh won't someone think of the noshers?

GuyClinch March 17, 2011 at 12:29 pm

And there is global concern over the supply of bukkake porn. And by global, I mean my desk.

hagajim March 17, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Your bukkake should be OK…might glow in the dark though.

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum March 17, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Beluga libel!

BaldarTFlagass March 17, 2011 at 12:31 pm

Guess they'll have to resort to that old standby, take-out Chinese.

Ruhe March 17, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Do they get that from the other side of the world too?

BaldarTFlagass March 17, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Yeah, but China is down-wind.

ProgressiveInga March 17, 2011 at 12:31 pm

Gilbert Gottfried is that you?

Sophist [DDS,DD,DFH] March 17, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Isn't there a part in the bible where Jesus uses one fish to make sushi for like a thousand people? All you Jews have to do is covert and the sashimi will flow like wine.

gef05 March 17, 2011 at 12:46 pm

"24:42 And they gave him a piece of a broiled fish, and of an honeycomb, and of a dynamite spicy special roll."

Ken Layne March 17, 2011 at 2:27 pm

24:43 And verily they tempura fried everything four or five times, and did put hella weird cream sauce upon it, because American frat boys were there.

kittenbomb March 17, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Fortunately Israel is here to shed some perspective on this senseless tragedy. Because before this? Meh…

arihaya March 17, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Fish Libel !!

hagajim March 17, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Hell Wonkette…do you like Arugula with your sushi too….so very liberal of you..

Weenus299 March 17, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Susie shaves seven shieks' sheep seeking sushi shortage.

the_onceler March 17, 2011 at 12:33 pm

I'm sure that the Palestinians in Gaza are also concerned about this.

Come here a minute March 17, 2011 at 12:34 pm

If they only had a savior who could stretch out the availabilty of the current inventory of fishes (loaves, also too).

SayItWithWookies March 17, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Too bad the Maccabbees aren't there — they'd make the last bit of sushi last for eight days.

LesBontemps March 17, 2011 at 12:51 pm

This week is Purim; who the fuck is making sushi hamantaschen?

jus_wonderin March 17, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Maybe, if Israel made Japan feel guilty enough, Japan would walk the extra few blocks to get the sushi and schlep it back.

BaldarTFlagass March 17, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Well, Israel's mother could probably do this.

JustPixelz March 17, 2011 at 12:38 pm

In Japan, the tsumani delivered the raw fish right to people's doorsteps. So it was a big win for them.

SayItWithWookies March 17, 2011 at 1:09 pm

It's just unfortunate their doorsteps aren't anywhere near their houses.

Chet Kincaid March 17, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Barbara Bush, is that you?

SorosBot March 17, 2011 at 2:07 pm

I think it's Gilbert Gotfried.

freakishlywrong March 17, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Blinky is not amused.

FraAnima March 17, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Totoro is not amused either.

LesBontemps March 17, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Nuclear Holocaust May Affect Distant Nation’s Sushi Supply

Well, as long as you're having a holocaust, might as well invite the Jews.

FraAnima March 17, 2011 at 1:23 pm

ftw.

SorosBot March 17, 2011 at 12:45 pm

And what about me? I've had to make do with old tentacle rape cartoons to fap to for the past week.

GuyClinch March 17, 2011 at 12:49 pm

I know! You've seen 8,342, you've seen them all.

Midway117 March 17, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Thank you all for making me laugh out loud for the first time in two weeks.

LabRodent March 17, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Tsumani jokes, Nuclear Plume cloud jokes, now you through in the Jews. I'll pass….I need this job.

Chicken Beaver March 17, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Here's a shortage I look forward to:

Anything that makes white princess children cry. Nail polish shortage, gas prices going up, irreducible muffin top, boyfriend a total dork… that kinda thing.

Rosie_Scenario March 17, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Sushi libel!

WhatTheHeck March 17, 2011 at 12:48 pm

So what's wrong with a mutated fish. There's extra organs for the same price to slice and dice.

prommie March 17, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Time for Yeats now:

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

mereoblivion March 17, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Thanks for the whole shepherd's pie this time, prommie. Just the one line at the other thread had me feeling awful peckish.

GuyClinch March 17, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Well, look who's so fancy!
#jewishmother

WriteyWriterton March 17, 2011 at 1:22 pm

He could have written, "Are we completely fecked yet?" and it would have done the job, but he's (1) Irish, so (2) probably garrulously drunk.

HistoriCat March 17, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Hmmm – between St. Patrick's Day and the poor sushi-lovin Israelis, I'm cast back in time and remember going to O'Brienstein's in Richmond. Is that place still around?

Pithaughn March 17, 2011 at 1:27 pm

I get it! He was using irony, slow thighs is metaphor for the tsunami that moves at near supersonic speeds.!? No?

Tommmcatt March 17, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Nah, "slow thighs" is a metaphor for Hillary Clinton.

prommie March 17, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Slow thighs and saddlebags.

prommie March 17, 2011 at 12:52 pm

He predicted Palin.

fuflans March 17, 2011 at 12:58 pm

good to know israel doesn't have any other problems.

OneYieldRegular March 17, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Hmm. Perhaps Israel *can't* use the local fish because, well, not so long ago they happened to bomb a power plant in southern Lebanon in retaliation for Hezbollah kidnapping two Israeli soldiers, causing a massive oil spill, the largest ecological disaster ever to hit the eastern Mediterranean. The moral of this story: either get your fish from somewhere nowhere near any kind of power plant, or make do with the canned rations in your emergency survival kit like the rest of us.

Lascauxcaveman March 17, 2011 at 1:02 pm

One is put to mind about rich California liberals wringing their hands over brutal, draconian crackdowns on illegal aliens, and its chilling effect on the ready supply of gardeners and maids.

Ruhe March 17, 2011 at 1:42 pm

And so to extend the analogy illegals would be the labor market version of Fugu, delicious but toxic?

SorosBot March 17, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Not just liberals – I like how a Texas state representative proposed a law that would have imposed heavy penalties on anyone who hires "illegal" aliens, but exempted hires for domestic help.

JoshuaNorton March 17, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Traif!!!!!!!!!! My former Jewish girlfriend would only eat Sushi if it was well done.

mereoblivion March 17, 2011 at 1:16 pm

"I took some sushi home one night and put it in the microwave. It tasted like fish!" (too obscure?)

arihaya March 17, 2011 at 1:35 pm

rather than fresh sushi ,, she might prefer fresh "sausage" perhaps?

jqheywood March 17, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Is she no longer Jewish, or is she no longer your girlfriend?

aguacatero March 17, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Israel, Israel, Israel — always showing off with its capacity for empathy.

Ruhe March 17, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Not righteous!

GuyClinch March 17, 2011 at 1:08 pm

There, I gave you an upfist and a reply, so that should help. Also, those are some priorities!

DashboardBuddha March 17, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Baldar, by dint of your picture alone (although your comments are good as well), I'm going to do everything in my power to get you to 110.

phlox✔ March 17, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Oy vey.

Jim89048 March 17, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Or soy vey.

ShaveTheWhales March 17, 2011 at 8:49 pm

An excellent teriyaki sauce.

chascates March 17, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Oh, just cut up another Palestinian child and serve that with wasabi.

freakishlywrong March 17, 2011 at 1:10 pm

It's no picnic. And fucking IMPOSSIBLE to get to 111.

Redhead March 17, 2011 at 1:11 pm

My food before someone else's suffering – what an American way to prioritize.

JoshuaNorton March 17, 2011 at 1:11 pm

You've set the bar kind of low on your Bucket List.

SayItWithWookies March 17, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Udon crossed the line.

MinAgain March 17, 2011 at 1:16 pm

What the whale…?

randcoolcatdaddy March 17, 2011 at 1:20 pm

I'm sure John Bolton thinks that the sushi shortage is a good reason to bomb Iran.

widestanceroman March 17, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Cheer up, Israel, a giant, if shrill, Alaska Roll is on its way (just make sure you have bendy straws or you'll have troubles you shouldn't know from).

Ken Layne March 17, 2011 at 2:30 pm

It's on the way all right … see new post.

widestanceroman March 17, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Does this make me an operative now and do I get a badge?

LesBontemps March 17, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Badges? You don't need no …. aw I just can't do it.

WriteyWriterton March 17, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Well, I'm not worried about a sushi-fail. In my office, it's March of Dimes Hot Dog and Nachos Day!

WriteyWriterton March 17, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Of course, I'm in a remote/undisclosed location so no HDs or Ns for me.

Steverino247 March 17, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Well, since when has Israel been worried about the perceptions of others?

Also, I guess Israel won't be considered as a replacement for AFLAC Duck voice talent Gilbert Gottfried, either.

DerrickWildcat March 17, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Shinto Jews face a big dilemma.

LesBontemps March 17, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Miso horny. Wait, what?

EatsBabyDingos March 17, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Oh, those soft Isrealites. My people had to live on canned smoked oysters in ketchup and lutefisk for seven months out of the year in the little town of Noiafdpnaor, Norway. And no Burger King. Now that's suffering. Yumpin' Yimminies!

Jim89048 March 17, 2011 at 1:49 pm

I thought Arielle was our food editor?

mrpuma2u March 17, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Maybe they can freeze all those dead sardines off of Redondo beach and emergency airlift them to Israel. We can pay for that with our tax dollars instead of fixing our own infrastructure. Gotta keep our middle east neighborhood bully for hire happy.

Come here a minute March 17, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Oh sure, with the stock markets up today — radio silence.

natoslug March 17, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Sales of lead-lined Depends are driving the markets up. Shouldn't that be radioactive silence?

Ken Layne March 17, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Larry Kudlow has the day off.

MarionNYNY March 17, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Oy vey! BFTJ! Just sayin'

Slim_Pickins March 17, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Wouldn't Pacific Ocean fish be considered tref? Since the species aren't likely to be mentioned in the bible.

cheaphits March 17, 2011 at 2:53 pm

On his way out to stock up on sushi Obama visits Japanese Embassy; signs condolence book during unannounced stop.

True stuff – well at least the last part.

Nice enough, but hardly commander-in-chiefish.,

poncho_pilot March 17, 2011 at 2:56 pm

i did some research and i get it now. this is what they think Noah's Ark looked like:
http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRpN1cFWS

FlownOver March 17, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Why is this raw fish different from all other raw fish?

FlownOver March 17, 2011 at 3:08 pm

Those of us who toil in the banality of the Nineties envy your triple digits.

a_pink_poodle March 17, 2011 at 5:18 pm

People eat sushi? I'm Asian and I find the stuff disgusting.

Cook your fish in cow urine with a side of shredded baby chicks like a civilized human being, people!

Thedongsofwar March 17, 2011 at 6:06 pm

Just take the lox out of the bagels for a few months and pretend its sashimi. That and we can all stop pretending gefilte fish is edible.

tcaalaw March 17, 2011 at 6:45 pm

50 Cent said, "Get P'd or die trying." Actually, wait, I think it was R. Kelly who said that….

blogslut March 17, 2011 at 6:47 pm

"Priorities of Zion"

~snort~

zappadoo76 March 17, 2011 at 7:06 pm

Will the suffering never end?

deanbooth March 17, 2011 at 7:55 pm

No amount of pee is ever enough for you centurions. I've promised myself that once I reach 100, I will no longer crave pee. That's all I need. …and my thermos.

pinkocommi March 18, 2011 at 7:45 am

To look on the bright side, there is still plenty of shellfish and bacon.

NadePaulKuciGravMcKi March 18, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Must be an antisemitic plot.

Quite soon, the media and governments
will be discredited in spectacular fashion

"Nuclear Holocaust May Affect Rich Nation’s Sushi Supply"

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