U.S. Evacuating Americans From Tokyo, Death Plume Heads To America

  apocalypse news desk

No-one enjoys the leprechaun's 'practical jokes' these days.It has been nearly a week now, and the crisis in Japan only seems to be getting more terrible, so it’s time for the world’s religious people to start finding a deity to blame for the devastation in Japan! We long ago figured it was the Irish god, Saint Patrick, because it’s his “Holy Week” — but there are probably other theological opinions, on the the Internet. Let’s do a quick news update about Americans evacuating while we wait for clarity.

It's singing that 'Friday' song.But first, your random scientific-sounding NIGHTMARE SENTENCE from a new article in the NYT: “Western nuclear engineers have said that the release of mox into the atmosphere would produce a more dangerous radioactive plume than the dispersal of uranium fuel rods at the site.” Awesome.

Now, regarding the State Department evacuation, from Foreign Policy: “The U.S. government offered to evacuate family members of State Department and Defense Department officials serving in north Japan as the nuclear crisis in the country risked spiraling out of control. The U.S. embassy in Tokyo will remain open, however, as U.S. officials supported the Japanese government’s assertion that the city was still unaffected by the radiation released from the stricken nuclear power plant.”

The growing freakout seems to show that Washington is a lot more worried about what’s happening with the melting nuclear reactors than Japan’s government will admit to, but everybody is being extremely calm and polite and we guess people will have to start glowing before we hear anything from, uh, our president. (He is busy with the college basketball on the teevee.)

As for Wonkette’s Jack Stuef, he has bravely kept to his youth-slacker ethics by keeping utterly silent while he watches teevee in his hotel — his travel writing and journalism have been limited to his Twitter, where he has spoken of lunch and shopping. But the State Department does know he’s there!

 
Related video

Here’s the radiation plume that will hit our western coastline at 2 a.m. tomorrow, according to the New York Times:

Uhh.

Related

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

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187 comments

    1. MittsHairHelmet

      "And just like the Prodigal Son I've returned, anyone steppin to me you'll get burned"

    2. BarryOPotter

      I won't evah slack up
      Punk, you betta back up
      Try n play the role
      And, yo, the whole crew'll act up

    1. Not_So_Much

      It's the body spray that the P90X republican studs use, because people would think they were gay if they went with straight Axe.

      1. Sophist [DDS,DD,DFH]

        It probably already has it's own sickeningly cute mascot. We'll be knee-deep in Mox-tan cellphone straps by week's end.

  1. freakishlywrong

    You telling me no un-hinged wingtard has blamed the gays yet? No fundie has come forward to embarrass us all by pointing out Japan's lack of Jeebusness?

        1. SorosBot

          Ever time there's a horrific natural disaster, the fundies will find some group they hate to claim caused it via god's wrath. Count on it.

      1. jqheywood

        The young lady's video turns out to have been satire. Poe's law: Any satire of fundamentalism is indistinguishable from real fundamentalism.

        1. SorosBot

          Her, but not the preacher's statements, which are pretty much the same thing.

          Also, South Korea: we apologize for exporting our nutty fundamentalist Christianity to you.

    1. Weenus299

      The Beckster did a couple days ago. Can't wait to tune into Rush tomorrow blaming all teh gays and shit.

  2. donner_froh

    If Japan, one of the wealthiest and technologically advanced nations in the world and with a cooperative, stoic citizenry can't deal with this nuclear horror then maybe it is the end of the world.

    1. prommie

      Stoic, thats a great word, rarely heard here in the US of A, because, well, its unheard of, here. In the dictionary, the definition of "stoisicism" should be "that character trait which defines the American public by its utter absence."

  3. ablington

    When is Jack coming back? Are you guys gonna give him one of those Silkwood scrubdowns in the Wonkette HQ bathroom when he returns to work?

    1. el_donaldo

      The scrubdown at Wonkette HQ involves Perrier, silk, a masseuse, and of course a complementary champagne. So I've heard.

    2. JackDempsey1

      Overkill.
      I bet change of t-shirt, max.
      Sock change, too, if there are any lying around the office.

    3. WhatTheHeck

      Jack ain’t never coming back. He’s so cool, he’s single-handidly going to march right into that nukulur site and cool the place down. Of course he will forever be glowing green and will become Godzilla's playmate.

  4. Boredw/Gravitas

    I keep waiting for Pat Robertson to blame the whole Japan thing on the gheys, working moms or one of God's sneezes.

  5. SorosBot

    Wait, are you saying that Leprechaun caused the earthquake/meltdown in retaliation for Japan taking his Lucky Charms? Or was it while getting his pot of gold back from a vacationing pre-Friends Jennifer Anniston?

  6. freakishlywrong

    I'm more terrified of the animated gif leprechaun on the Wonkett than I am of "Mox" maybe.

    1. Preferred Customer

      They are actually the same thing. When you see the leprechauns in the streets, dancing, it's time to get to the shelters.

    2. riverside68

      Well for starters you can see the leprechaun, that maybe helps with the fear factor
      The leprechaun doesn't look and sound like dozens of bad monster movies you only seen parts of
      On the other hand
      No governments are accusing each other of lying about the leprechaun
      You usually see the leprechaun on the street when you have had too much to drink,

      I gotta go drink, then I can figure this out.

  7. ManchuCandidate

    I'm not going to pin this one on Barry yet. It is Japan's responsibility/sovereignty and they aren't a state of US America, but mind you this is the same nation that has spent 70+ years in official denial over certain unpleasantness' in Asia in part because culturally saving face was much more important than admitting failure (and in larger part because their version of teabaggers still think that they did good in Asia from 1910-1945.)

    1. riverside68

      But don't forget TR's encouragement of Japan to take over Asia (closest thing to the white man in Asia) and his congratulations for the sneak attack destruction of the Russian Navy. (Then TR got the peace prize by siding with the Russians, pissing of the Japanese.)

      And we taught the Asians a thing or two about warfare in the Philippines.

    1. Pithaughn

      "When the Germans melted the northern Japanese Islands, did they quit? Hell no! Toga toga toga!"

    2. genxr

      Radioactive plume with Godzilla. Godzilla with Mothra. Mothra with Underground Monsters. Underground Monsters in Tremors with Kevin Bacon.

  8. jus_wonderin

    Do people still do that thing where ya pinch someone that is not wearing green??? Quick Tip for those S&M folks: Don't wear green. Don't wear anything.

    1. jus_wonderin

      "Thousands of people desperate to escape Japan's deepening nuclear crisis have inundated private jet companies with requests for evacuation flights, sending prices surging as much as a quarter."

      Well it is good the prices only rose a quarter.

  9. Preferred Customer

    Now she will be able to see Japan from her house, too, at least when it's dark out.

  10. GuyClinch

    "As for Wonkette’s Jack Stuef, he has bravely kept to his youth-slacker ethics by keeping utterly silent while he watches teevee in his hotel"

    Jesus, Jack went through all of the expense of going to Tokyo for *that*? I have "mental-health getaway weekends" like that all the time, but I just drive over to a cheap motel in Cheverly, Maryland, with some junk food and a bottle of vodka and be done with it.

  11. donner_froh

    The Times sez: Health and nuclear experts emphasize that any plume will be diluted as it travels and, at worst, would have extremely minor health consequences in the United States. (NYT bolding)

    Well, that does it–even here in the collapsed post-industrial wasteland of the Midwest it is clear everyone will die of radiation since every prediction on Fukushima has been insanely optimistic.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      The good news for me, living in the Pacific NW, is not only do I get slammed with this hot, steaming wall of nuclear fallout fog tomorrow, but in two weeks I'm taking a trip to out NYC (my first!), which by then should be bathed in it too. I'm gonna get bi-coastally irradiated.

      1. OneDollarJuana

        The latest NTY map shows the plume missing the PNW, but hitting SoCal. I'm proud to say it's because we are so much less vain.

    2. prommie

      Well, the Times was dead on about the Iraqi weapons of mass destruction. "Spot on" as in "knowingly disseminated the false claims of the administration as a willing participant in a psy-ops campaign designed to manipulate public opinion."

  12. facehead

    I have been monitoring Jack Stuef's twat, and he seems healthy. Yet there are these long 9 hour periods where his twat goes black, empty, and silent, so I get a little worried. It seems like only yesterday when he twatted his first ginger pubes for us, and now he is all grown up, vacationing in hell.

    Come home wayward wonk. We miss you.

  13. Redhead

    Quick, someone get the Palins, Bachmann, O'Donnell, Rush, Beck, Newt, etc on a train and send them to Washington!

  14. KenLayIsAlive

    No no, you are overreacting. According to Power Plant Corporation, that graph shows the global dispersal of happy thoughts, warm feelings, and sweet little hamster dreams.

    1. Not_So_Much

      I think keeping a dancing Picachu in the graph was sort of a tell that it may not be 'hard science'.

  15. prommie

    MMMMMMMM, plutonium (thats whats in the mox). Only the most deadly substance in all creation. The US had a drone fly over the plants, and now we are skedaddling our embassy families? Hmm, mayhaps this panic over the deathcloud bearing down on California is that rarest of all panics, a justified panic?

    I recomend all of our west-coasters find a copy of Patrick McManus's "The Modified Stationary Panic," it as great advice on how to panic, and how not to waste energy panicking. Whatever you do, avoid the temptation to engage in a Full Bore Linear Panic (FBLP), thats never good. McManus's groundbreaking work on Panicking is extensively quoted here: http://shoebox2.livejournal.com/4539.html

      1. prommie

        I guess that means we should crack open each others heads and feast on the slimey goo inside, huh?

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Patrick McManus, bringing the funny since …? I've been to several one-man stage shows based on his writings, they're always a hoot. Also good: Walt Wingfield, although I like the radio versions of his stuff better than the teevee show.

  16. nounverb911

    How soon before CNN sends in a crack team to evacuate Anderson Cooper from the roof of the Hotel Okura?

  17. pukebot

    they should just throw all that excess "research" whale meat on the reactors. let's see if the center of the earth likes sushi.

    1. Not_So_Much

      Won't work, sushi is raw and any meat that goes near that shitty, glowing hell-sphincter is going to be toast in a hurry.

  18. GuyClinch

    Well, shit, he's had that super-snark power for a while now. No, I think he'll just be more gingy. Like, supergingivitis.

  19. prommie

    BTW, I'm not wearing green, but I have eaten a bowl of peas, and plan to drink till I vomit green.

      1. GuanoFaucet

        You at least kept the scrap metal to trade for hobo beans or as material to fashion crude weapons after civilization descends into a post-apocalyptic hellscape, right?

  20. BlueStateLibel

    But look at it this way, our new Koch-brother robot libertarian overlords won't be affected by radiation, and can continue droning on and on about the free market. (Also, I hear there's a St. Patrick's Day stock market crash due, just a heads-up.)

  21. Not_So_Much

    Well, I had been missing my idyllic life in Northern California since moving to Central Jesustopia a while back. But now? I'm good.

    1. natoslug

      I'm sticking with Northern California and radiation. Northern Idaho and radon wasn't killing me fast enough.

  22. Native_of_SL_UT

    I would like to make some sort of Mothra or Godzilla joke, but apparently it is still too soon.

    1. OneYieldRegular

      Take my advice, and avoid watching the animated version. It starts off looking like the wisp of genie smoke coming out of the bottle in the credits for "I Dream of Jeannie," but about the time it get within 50 miles of California it explodes into a menacing cloud half the size of the Pacific.

  23. ThundercatHo

    Wonder how many little boys have their pet iguanas sitting outside right now and hoping, just hoping.

  24. DemonicRage

    I can't understand why John McCain hasn't cancelled his Senatorial duties and convened a long-table, share ideas session in an office of The White House, at which he will say very little and, in that way, solve this problem, just like he solved the Economy Meltdown not too long ago. Lindsey Graham will sit to his right, and ham biscuits will be served on silver trays to all who are invited to this wonderful meeting.

  25. WhatTheHeck

    Ken, this greenish, creeping cloud of death may be the coup de grâce we’ve all be looking for, to end our miserable existence. This is god’s answer to the Tea partiers who(m) have been praying for the end.

    1. Grief_Lessons

      Sorry, man, but it takes, like, fifteen years for radiation-induced cancers to manifest themselves. You're gonna live through the Pailn/Huckabee and Beck/Bachmann administrations yet.

      1. KenLayIsAlive

        You might live all the way through the irradiated jobless rat race of the Palin administration, but I doubt any of us will survive Glenn Beck's concentration camps.

  26. BaldarTFlagass

    "U.S. Evacuating Americans From Tokyo, Death Plume Heads To America"

    Given Part Two of that headline, I hope they are evacuating them to, say, Melbourne Australia.

  27. Juan_Oriley

    I, for one, welcome our new radioactive gas cloud over California. I'm already out in the desert and hopefully I'll get some of that "The Hills Have Eyes" mutation and I can eat wayward hikers that get lost in Joshua Tree Park.

  28. BaldarTFlagass

    I was thinking about getting some radioactive spider to bite me so I could become Spidermannish, but then I realized that we really don't have a whole lot of skyscrapers to swing from here in San Antonio, so I'd still be stuck with paying $3.70 for hi-test to get around and fight crime.

    1. natoslug

      $4.17 for regular here in Humboldt. If it weren't for the cheap weed, I'm sure I'd be upset about this.

      1. wondering where i am

        Why is gasoline so expensive up there? So people can't afford to leave? Wine and weed are cheap, so no one wants to.

        1. natoslug

          We have one supplier for all the gas stations in the area. I'm strongly considering going electric, but we have no electric vehicle dealerships around here, and I am too lazy to do research and try to get a vehicle from out of the area. If I could get a vehicle that ran on patchouli fumes, I'd never run out of fuel here.

          1. Jim89048

            Good gawd I hate the smell of that shit. If ever there was something that smells worse than the body odor it was designed to mask the stench of, it is patchouli.

  29. jqheywood

    Although they were quoting, I believe, an A330, which holds 300 people. So that works out to be around $885 per sniveling coward.

  30. cheaphits

    Japan's Chief Cabinet Secretary Yukio Edano urged people not to panic.

    "It's important that the whole country stick together and overcome this situation, and nothing is more important than showing that to the world market,"

    If they don't "overcome this situation" soon, they may be fused together & fuck the "World Market" stuff, in a few days products from Japan may be too hot to handle.

    1. KenLayIsAlive

      Man, capitalism is really doing it's thing when after a earthquake, tsunami, and nuclear meltdown, the most important thing to do is "impress the world market".

  31. EatsBabyDingos

    So the US did its heavy duty radiation testing on some silly atoll, so we called it the "Bikini Island," and since Annette Funicello wore a bikini, it must be good. So we just need a new name for the plume

    Maybe the "Hello Kitty Happy Haircut Fun Cloud."

  32. BaldarTFlagass

    And we will all go together when we go.
    What a comforting fact that is to know.
    Universal bereavement,
    An inspiring achievement,
    Yes, we all will go together when we go.

    We will all go together when we go.
    All suffuse with an incandescent glow.
    No one will have the endurance
    To collect on his insurance,
    Lloyd's of London will be loaded when they go.

    Oh we will all fry together when we fry.
    We'll be french fried potatoes by and by.
    There will be no more misery
    When the world is our rotisserie,
    Yes, we will all fry together when we fry.

    And we will all go together when we go.
    Ev'ry hottenhot and ev'ry eskimo.
    When the air becomes uranious,
    And we will all go simultaneous.
    Yes we all will go together
    When we all go together,
    Yes we all will go together when we go.

    1. jqheywood

      I see your Tom Lehrer, and raise you with this:

      Along the trail you'll find me lopin'
      Where the spaces are wide open,
      In the land of the old A.E.C. (yea-hah!)
      Where the scenery's attractive,
      And the air is radioactive,
      Oh, the wild west is where I wanna be.

      Mid the sagebrush and the cactus,
      I'll watch the fellas practice
      Droppin' bombs through the clean desert breeze.
      I'll have on my sombrero,
      And of course I'll wear a pair o'
      Levis over my lead B.V.D.'s.

      Ah will leave the city's rush,
      Leave the fancy and the plush,
      Leave the snow and leave the slush
      And the crowds.
      Ah will seek the desert's hush,
      Where the scenery is lush,
      How I long to see the mush-
      room clouds.

      'Mid the yuccas and the thistles
      I'll watch the guided missiles,
      While the old F.B.I. watches me. (yea-hah!)
      Yes, I'll soon make my appearance
      (Soon as I can get my clearance),
      'Cause the wild west is where I wanna be.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Paul Rodgers/Jimmy Page. This was inappropriate back in the 80's, probably even more so now.

        Well I'm not uptight
        Not unattracted
        Turn me on tonight
        Cause I'm radioactive
        Radioactive

        There's not a fight
        And I'm not your captive
        Turn me loose tonight
        Cause I'm radioactive
        Radioactive

        I want to stay with you
        I want to play with you baby
        I want to lay with you
        And I want you to know

        Got to concentrate
        Don't be distractive
        Turn me on tonight
        Cause I'm radioactive
        Radioactive
        Radioactive
        Radioactive

        Got to concentrate
        Don't be distractive
        Turn me on tonight
        Cause I'm radioactive oh yeah
        Oh yeah radioactive
        Don't you stand, stand too close
        You might catch it

  33. Fare la Volpe

    I'm getting ready to head out on the town with my best lesbian and trash myself on Irish Car Bombs, and Wonkette decides to hit me with this.

    Why are you trying to ruin my day, Ken? Why?

  34. jus_wonderin

    Better yet. We sent Bill and George to Haiti. How 'bout we just send George to this one. I mean, in these times, we need to save money, right?

  35. PresBeeblebrox

    - Fukui-san!

    - Go, Ota!

    - Morimoto is now preparing a supreme of irradiated filet d' shark, Tokyo-style… it appears that the filet is literally GLOWING IN THE DARK as he places it in Kitchen Stadium's exclusive Mitsubishi-9000 Convection Oven. And over on the other side of Kitchen Stadium, Masahiko Kobe, the unlucky Fourth Iron Chef Italian, is now whipping up a uranium-infused squid carpaccio!

  36. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Jack might be on to something here. Now I’m just brain storming here but let me run this up a flag pole and see if anything salutes. Imagine a vacation package that specializes in human disasters! Stay with me now.
    Picture this!

    A tornado wipes out Anytown USA and the very next day we fly you in and put you up in the nearest hotel that is still standing. Nobody will be falling asleep at your house when you break out this slideshow. Photos of severed heads, destitute families and miles of mass destruction will make you popular and a hit with all the ladies and/or men if you know what I mean. Monsieur Grumpe’s Disaster Vacations coming soon!*
    Hurricanes!
    Earthquakes!
    Floods!
    Meltdowns!
    After Christmas Sales!
    *Hoverrounds ™ supplied for an additional moderate fee.

  37. BaldarTFlagass

    As far as really depressing shit goes, I think Ken reached his zenith on this post, but it's probably going to get worse. Avanti!

  38. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    A daily plutonium tablet will prevent your body from absorbing any Japanese fallout.

  39. The_Great_Gazoo

    Well, like I said, if the top-kill isn't working, they need to look a top-hats or a junk-shot, with golf balls and shit. And maybe bring in Tony Hayward to lead the effort. That way when the harakiri-ings begin, he can be the first one to do the honorable thing.

  40. jus_wonderin

    Is this one of those "when life gives you lemons" situations? That is all I want to know.

  41. hagajim

    Mox = Mixed Oxide = type of fuel for nukulur plants….anyway – what the hell we're all gonna die sometime right?

  42. samsuncle

    "radiation plume that will hit our western coastline at 2 a.m. tomorrow, according to the New York Times"

    It took the Japanese 66 years to do it but pay back is still a bitch.

  43. OneYieldRegular

    If it'll help stop the leak, I'm all in favor of dropping Joe Barton onto one of these reactors.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Only Barton? What about The Newt? Haley's Vomit? Drop in the whole Rethug list of potential brain suckers.

  44. mumbly_[redacted]

    It has been nearly a week now, and the crisis in Japan only seems to be getting more terrible, so it’s time for the world’s religious people to start finding a deity to blame for the devastation in Japan!

    I was pretty sure that the diety we were blaming for this is Japan, because of Pearl Harbor, and because people are inhumanly terrible in the face of tragedy hitting someone who isn't part of their own tribe, and also don't remember how that war ended.

    Oh, and famous pagan Rush Limbaugh is blaming Gaia. Or possibly recycling? Or maybe just laughing at the Japanese, for wanting to have a livable planet in 50 years.

  45. kublakant

    We lost power to the pump and the water level had dropped dangerously low. Luckily my son's goldfish is fine.

  46. themcwow

    Weird clouds were in sky last night in Socal, stretching, gray jet-exhaust-like fingers, though coming from southwest. I think the plume is already here. Also rain is expected over weekend.

    1. SorosBot

      Glowing rain, glowing rain
      Glowing rain, glowing rain
      Caught radiation sickness dancing in the glowing rain

  47. Jim89048

    Judging from certain news items from around the world, they've been converted to B&D dungeons.

  48. MittsHairHelmet

    if you think Jews get mad about losing our sushi, see what happens when you take away our lox

    1. Swampgas_Man

      I'm pretty sure it's chemical shorthand for minioxidil, the hair-growth miracle. Expect a glowing mop of hair by next week!

  49. lochnessmonster

    Thinking of Steve Goodman:

    Watching Joey Glow lyrics
    WATCHING JOEY GLOW
    by Steve Goodman
    Down here in the shelter, we've got everything we need.
    Mom put up her peach preserves, Pa's got a book to read.
    Sister knits some bandages, and we turn the lights down low
    And play some Scrabble, watching Joey glow.
    At breakfast Mom hands Joe the bread, and he turns it into toast.
    Last night he hugged a leg of lamb, and soon we had a roast.
    You should see him heat the coffee up when he stirs it with his toe.
    We all get hungry, watching Joey glow.
    (BREAK:)
    You have to wear dark glasses if you look at him a while,
    Or he'll fry your little eyes out with his incandescant smile.
    [ From : http://www.elyrics.net/read/s/steve-goodman-lyric... ]
    At Chistmastime, it sure felt strange, but it was great to see
    The way we decorated Joe as if he was our tree,
    And his star was shining brightly underneath the mistletoe,
    So we blew him kisses, watching Joey glow.
    (BREAK:)
    I hope the world's not over, for my sake and for his.
    I'd love for everyone to know how brilliant Joey is.
    We've been down here for six months now, and we're proud to be alive.
    We owe it to America to sit here and survive.
    So we listen to the static on the short wave radio
    And count the shock waves, watching Joey glow.

  50. PublicLuxury

    Holy illegal immigration Batman! That plume is heading right for Arizona! I'm sure Presient Obama has evacuated the key players ( Brewer, Russell Arpiao) to keep the republic of Arizonastan safe.

    Never mind that it hits California first. Watch out Brown, Pelosi, and Boxer a plume is comin' for you.

  51. NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    Quite soon, the media and governments
    will be discredited in spectacular fashion

Comments are closed.