St. Patrick's Day: Are You Drunk Yet?

Last week we arbitrarily boozed up to celebrate Mardi Gras boobies, and tonight we arbitrarily drink to celebrate the Patron Saint of Kegs and Eggs. Yes, it is St. Patrick’s Day, the holiest of holy drinking holidays when we honor the ancient Irish traditions of wearing green thongs, binge drinking, and pinching people's privates. Go forth and enjoy some green beer until you puke, for Ireland.

If you did not give up drinking or the color green for Lent, enjoy some stouts and Shepherd’s Pie at one of these institutions:

• Sign of the Whale: If your employer recognizes just how holy this day is and allows you spend the entire day three sheets to the wind instead of doing whatever it is you normally do in your cubicle from 9-5, head to Sign of the Whale. Their celebration started at 11AM and their specials include $3 Guinness and $3 whiskey, plus Irish Car Bombs, green beer, and people playing the bagpipes. Yep, bagpipes. Should you happen to be Dennis Kucinich or wearing your Leprechaun costume, the Best Leprechaun Look-Alike will have their bar tab paid. [Sign of the Whale ]

• Againn: If you have a more mature understanding of St. Patrick’s Day — that is, you don’t associate it with being sloppy drunk — your best bet is to celebrate at Againn, a Gastropub in Downtown DC. Their outdoor bar will be open, and they will have a special pub menu with deals on Irish drinks and happy hour pricing ALL day. [Againn ]

• Duffy's Irish Pub: Celebrating St. Patrick's Day with actual Irish people is about as easy as celebrating Cinco De Mayo with (not being served by) Mexicans. But, if an authentic-y St. Patrick's Day is what you desire, head to Duffy's where there will be a performance by dancers from the Culkin School of Irish dance, as well as music from the band Points of Roguery. Duffy's specials include $2 Green Jello shooters and $5 green beer. The fun starts at 1PM. [Duffy's Irish Pub ]

• P.J. Clarke's: If you need some New York in your St. Paddy's Day celebration, head to P.J. Clarke's new DC location. They're offering Guinness and Jameson specials, as well as a menu of traditional Irish food. And, as every event centered around drinking *must* have a charity element (because you wouldn't drink unless someone somewhere benefits from your boozing?), a portion of the day's proceeds will benefit the National Law Enforcement Officers Memorial Fund. [P.J. Clarke's ]

• Policy: The celebration at this lounge-y restaurant is a leprechaun-infested boozey-free-for-all. From 8PM-10PM, they will be offeringall-you-can-drink Guinnessfor just $5. At 11PM, they are going to attempt the world's largest simultaneous Irish Car Bomb, for the records. Yay! [ Policy ]

There are a thousand other things happening in this city tonight to celebrate this Holy Day, and it’s impossible to list all of them, so here’s a hint: Go to any bar with Mc, Pub, or four in the name and prepare for lots of Guinness, corned beef and green beads.

If you end up three sheets to the wind dancing on a bar with a leprechaun lookalike, too drunk to make it home on your own, the Washington Regional Alcohol Program is offering a St. Patrick’s Day Sober Ride service. Call 800-200-8294 for a free ride home (up to a $30 fare). Metro will also be staying open until 1AM tonight. Happy Boozing!