Did everybody enjoy the “jobless recovery” of the past two years? Because, uhh …. The American stock markets plunged more than 2% today as everybody freaks out about the dismal housing numbers, the continuing craziness in oil-producing Middle East/North African nations, another round of the European debt crisis and (of course) the nuclear horror show unfolding in Japan, the world’s second-biggest economy. Second or third, we can’t remember if China officially took over that spot before the earthquake. Third! For now …. Anyway, la la la la la.
Marketwatch, give us a nice punch in the mouth:
Dow industrials give up all of year’s gains
Blue chips tumble by 2.4%
But it has been a glorious “Bull Market,” no? Those of you holding some stocks or mutual funds or 401ks (instead of a pension plan, haw haw) can “feel better” because things almost sorta got back to pre-crash 2007 levels! And if you could’ve dumped your 401k investments in time and then left the country and never paid the tax because you moved to Belize or wherever, like Butch Cassidy, well, who knows how life might’ve turned out, south of the Radiation Cloud Devastation that killed everyone in North America.
And everybody else, with the underwater mortgage and stagnant wages or unpaid internships or plain old starvation joblessness, well, that radiation cloud is looking better all the time. It’s invisible, but it also seems to be smiling at me, mama …. smiling and taking us somewhere special ….
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Ken, if it gets any worse and we have to resort to cannibalism, I'm going to eat you first and put you out of your misery. I bet you would look sweet on a bed of radicchio.
Wouldn't that be "radiadicchio"?
Ahhh..that's the stuff, Ken!!
Quick, time for another post ridiculing Sarah Palin!
Silly question here: does this really mean anything?
Good question actually. Answer: From an economic POV, it means nothing.
Really now.
From the media point of view though, it means everything, because the stock market is the only part of the economy that matters.
Stock markets tend to react badly to shitty news. That's what it really means.
Does this mean you, at an early age, are going to die from a painful, lingering disease, penniless, hungry and alone? This depends a lot on you.
OMG what a disaster! can't the government do something to help all these poor people who've lost 2% of everything they have. <sob>
thank G, President Cavebama gave the "job creators" their precious 3% tax cuts.
The only time losing is more fun than winning is when you're fighting temptation.
If we would, finally, just buy stock in space aliens they would not tank our economy.
Gold is up a whole dollar! Glenn isn't looking so crazy, now does he? Your all "pinheads".
Damn, I shoulda saved my last comment for this post.
Good to see Ken Layne is back to his old self. I was worried, what with all the happy Palin is Gone! talk earlier.
P.S.
DJIA 11,643.50 -211.92 | NASDAQ 2,625.27 -42.06 | S&P 500 1,259.02 -22.85
P.P.S.!!! HOUSE GOP DECLARES EMERGENCY
Everybody to get from street! That's right, it's an emergency meeting in the House. About NPR, of course.
~
"NPR"
sigh. I love my NPR.
By the way, I neglected to give kudos for your "The Russians are Coming!" reference.
Noooo, all my fake money!
I've managed to avoid all of these economic ponzi schemes and retirement theft by being unemployed. I mean really guys, you're the dumb ones.
Considering the "gains" were fantasy and wishful thinking… I'm not surprised.
However, I do welcome our new bankrupt, radiated, polluted space alien overlords. If you want to feast on human flesh, I will helpfully point in the direction of Wall St and other financial centers as well as K St.
Palin Futures are dragging the entire market down!
If only we'd parked our cars by the side of the highway, none of this would have happened.
Larry Kudlow now sees the trajedy.
It is time to eat the rich with some hobo beans and a nice Chianti.
I guess I should read all the comments before I reply to the first one.
(Nevermind, it seems to have disappeared, damn you downfisting faerie)
(Nevermind my nevermind, it came back)
time to sit back and watch the universe end
Just the peeps… the rest will take care of itself.
Next up is the creation of a sentient AI and the subsequent machine takeover. Robocracy, here we come!
Sigh. Looks like I'm gonna have to get a *second* unpaid internship just to keep up with not paying my bills.
bonus: you can eat what you trap
If my mortgage is underwater does that mean I'll be safe from the green death cloud because radiation can't penetrate water?
Kramer and Kudlow must be happy. It's a buying opportunity.
I know! I know! CUT TAXES!!!
And defund NPR for good measure!
And Planned Parenthood! All those poor women getting stuck with unwanted babies they can't afford will surely help the economy!
Your unwanted babies are our future unpaid interns.
Or our Soylent Green.
Nothing less than bare-chested Ken Layne breaking a chair over Glenn Beck's head in the octagon could cheer me up anymore. Life has no meaning.
Jesus. When disaster is piled on disaster, your capacity for alarm and concern falls off significantly.
The only thing that could get my attention now is if Charlie Sheen were to cause Michigan and Wisconsin to fall into Lake Michigan with his god-powers and throw in an exploding nuclear reactor full of Libyans with it.
This just in: "The Road" is now a how-to video.
Winning, you are.
Nah, they wasted that guy's head, some good taco meat there.
So…how's the Middle East, the Japanese crisis, and Warren Buffet's bowel movements impacting the running of the ponies at the racetrack this week?
W
H
E
E
E
E
E
E
E
E
E
E
E
*thud!*
Ooh, that's gonna leave a mark.
I am a loyal footsoldier in Obama's assault of half-measures by compromises by half-measures. But while I appreciate the delicacy of his position and the limitations of his office, i'm finding myself more and more inclined to scream "DO SOMETHING!!!!!!" at the guy. Sure, there's no more money to play with since Bush spent it all on hookers and blow, and borrowing more from China seems to be less appealing of an option. So RAISE OUR TAXES. I'll go without indulging in delicious Thai takeout once a week, and David Koch will have to give up that second sex-slave island he's been eyeing. But dadgummit, we can all chip in and Obama can tap into his inner FDR and we can DO SOMETHING with our collective might and treasure instead of quietly shuffling off into obscurity clutching our security totems. Right now, we're like a fucking cancer patient that's lost the will to live.
Hahaha! Fooled you, stock exchange! My savings is in a glass jar at home.
You're saving your fetus?
That reminds me of that song.
"You're saving your fetus. What a lovely way of sayin' how much you love me.
You're saving your fetus. What a lovely way of sayin' what you're thinkin' of me…."
that sounds like it will top the xtian music charts.
Mine is buried in the back yard with my seed bank.
You buried it with a dirty sock?
Just one of those days when you KNEW you should have stayed in bed.
I got up and had a colonoscopy. Drugs still not worn off so feelin' pretty good.
to me the really bad thing about all this bad news is we're getting only limited coverage of silvio and his 'carefree dinners':
According to the reports, the document states that the parties started with "masks, stripteases and erotic dances" and ended with Mr Berlusconi engaging in "intimate relations" with one or more women.
if there were less fire, flood and nuclear / financial meltdown news we'd be getting more of the GOOD stuff.
We've already seen Eyes Wide Shut.
As long as the electrons are still flowing through the Wonkette "offices," it can't be that bad.
Even 20 percent unemployment is 80 percent employment!
Which side do you count all the unpaid interns on? Employed or unemployed?
U-6.
…. Lenny Bruce is not afraid
My IRA (Imaginary Retirement Account) is down 2.3% since last Monday.
I'm sure the bi-weekly $450 that goes into the account this Friday will disappear by Wednesday. Fortunately I will be able to drown my sorrows at Blueberry Hill while up in St Louis next week, and might even get some strange in the bargain.
Contribution goes in, balance goes down. How do you explain that?
Is your IRA managed by Black, Hoyle, Draine & Seweir?
Unfortunately, it's the Thrift Savings Plan for federal employees, which we now do in lieu of an actual pension. By the time I retire, it might augment my social security enough that I can afford to eat Mighty Dog a couple times a week instead of Ol' Roy or Alpo.
Evening in America, that's what I call it. Same's happened to the IRA and the 401(k)
At least you aren't paying tax on that money. Doesn't not paying taxes make you feel like a rich person?
That reminds me, I have to stop at the liquor store on the way home.
LOL…me too!
Tonight's my usual bar night (for the Quizzo), but I may be staying late and chugging.
Let me know when Wall Streeters are taking swan dives from high perches. I'll bake a cake.
I seriously hope this means that the last 2 years has been the libertarian Ghost Dance.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghost_dance
Haha, yeah right. We're going to emerge from this crash as subjects of Texas.
Fun new game:
Run breathlessly up to a total stranger and demand to know what the date is. When they answer, you shout, “No! the year! What year is it?” Then look off into the distance and whisper “Good, then there’s still time…”, then run off with a look of intense purpose.
Either that or "… Great … Scott!!! …"
Your avatar befits that game.
I've been predicting cannibal anarchy for 4 years now. The hell with gold, put your money in ammunition.
You lucky, lucky bastard.
What size boobies?
Now is the time to increase your tithes to Jeebus. If you gave him more of your moeny he wouldn't punish you so badly by hurting the little people. Now give 'til it hurts gawddamn it.
Well, I for one welcome our now 2% poorer overlords.
Barter system now?
Not now…
In 5… 4… 3.. .2….
Won't somebody think of the poor stockholders? Just think, with this loss some of them may be forced to sell one of their vacation homes.
But do think of their children. Biff and Buffy will have to finish their prestigious undergrad educations in 4 years, instead of 6.
Do we really need to panic every time it goes up or down a few points? Assholes on Wall St. would panic if they lost their lunch reservations.
O wait… if today the stocks crash, and it coincides with the Sarah Palin Interest Index crash, does this mean she might bounce back tomorrow?
Holy God, I do not want her free-fall to be a correction.
Ken really is turning into a mad prophet of doom these days.
OT, but Angle's back. I expected her to run to the right of Ensign, but she's found another way to annoy the fuck out of me…
Is she going in the Ensign primary? I thought she was shooting low and going for some school board thing. Second amendment remedy good for you?
No, she's running for the seat Joe Heck is vacating to run for the seat John Ensign is vacating. Maybe Dina Titus can move into the same district or something.
Is there a drinking game that accompanies the end of days?
Yes, but it involves a whole lot of your own blood.
My own blood is good with gin and a little dash of bitters.
I think you have written tonight's The Daily Show.
Too funny, just this morning I was thinking,
"Isn't this the part where the aliens come and save us from ourselves?"
I think they're filming us. Disaster movies are hugely popular back home.
Stock market crashing? Nuclear waste devastating the planet? An epic catastrophe? Pft! Here on Wonkette we just call it Wednesday.
Fuck yah beoitch.
Where taxes were low, unions were few, and minorities didn't exist. Ahh, the good old days.
My house is now called my "compound." I am stockpiling and need to remember to dig up my seed bank in the backyard. That is all.
Is it time to get some " bath salts" or other drug of choice so we won't care when the world ends?
No, as someone posted earlier, they don't have the good graces to commit suicide. They just wait for the bailout and concoct some new cash-siphoning thing. Joke's on them, tho! This time, it's probably over for good!
I see what you died there.
All these rage and fear-inducing articles. I need to visit foxnews.com for a change of pace. Wait a minute . . . dammit!
Hey where's the part about Space Aliens?! That was the only reason I clicked this article!
There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown,
The dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.
Bolivia.
Just normal market corrections. Don't worry about a thing.
"Stock Markets Plunge Due To Housing, Europe, Arab Revolts, Japan & Probably Space Aliens" You know, Ken, I saw this headline yesterday when my monthly issue of "Who Gives a Fuck" Magazine arrived in the mail.
as long as the weed, bath tub gin and my money holds out, its all good man.
Always remember to plant the cans rounded-side up!
Oh no! All my precious stocks … HEY WAIT A MINUTE.
damage set in motion will be beyond comprehension
"Now I am become death…..The destroyer of worlds"
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