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Joe Miller’s Alaska Militia Friend Jailed For Trying To Murder Judges

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You know what is an awesome book, Greasy Joe? The Turner Diaries.Scruffy-cheeked Ivy League teabagger Joe Miller lost his crazed bid to become a senator last year, but the sore loser still thinks he’s got a place in politics. But will his ambitions survive his friendship with a 26-year-old white trash militia kid arrested for trying to kill a bunch of judges and cops? Who knows, this is Alaska! Anyway, this child militiaman — apparently the leader of the “Alaska Peacemakers Militia” — allegedly came up with a super-great way to deal with the f’in cops always breathin’ down his neck. It involved a whole lot of shooting and kidnapping and murder and then burning down a house full of other cops, or something. Alaska, everybody!

Justin Elliot at Salon reports:

Last year, I did a lengthy story outlining the support Alaska Tea Party Senate candidate Joe Miller was getting within the state’s militia movement. Now, one of the militia leaders I interviewed — 26-year-old Schaeffer Cox — has been arrested and charged in a lurid plot to kill judges and state troopers.

Ha, whut? And from the complaint against Cox:

“The plan would then have the tactical teams going to the target’s houses, cutting the power, shooting the inhabitants as they come out to check on their power; then the team would kick the target’s residence’s doors in, kill everybody inside and set the house on fire. Then the team would lay in hiding and take out the initial responding officer before moving on to the next target.”

And, hilariously, Joe Miller then has to issue a statement denying his love for Schaeffer Cox:

Former U.S. Senate Candidate Joe Miller is disputing the media’s characterization of him as a “close friend and associate” of arrested Alaska Militia leader Schaeffer Cox. Mr. Miller became acquainted with Mr. Cox through Republican Party politics, not unlike many other State leaders. Mr. Cox offered no tangible support to Miller’s run for the US Senate; he was neither a campaign contributor nor volunteer; and, save for public forums during the campaign, has had no contact with Mr. Miller subsequent to his run-ins with the law early last year ….

Blah blah, Greasy Joe, but when you play in the septic tank you better get used to having shit all over your face. [Salon/Alaska Dispatch via Wonkette operative freakishlywrong]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Or, as pappy likes to say, "Ya fly with the crows, yer gonna get shot at."

  • Barbara_i

    Schaeffer Cox, this should help to quell your disturbingly insatiable desire for butt secks and prison food! Enjoy prison, sucker!

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      The plan will be to wait for him to shower, then when he comes out dry off, shank him, then rape him, then rape him with the shank.

  • PhilippePetain

    "Former U.S. Senate Candidate Joe Miller is disputing the media’s characterization of him as a “close friend and associate' "

    Oh, so obviously they were fucking.

    • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Spartans!

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Yes, but with a blindfold on.

  • GuanoFaucet

    Your move, Rand Paul supporters.

    • OC_Iodide_Surf_Serf

      oh, the hoveround hordes!

  • memzilla

    Pinhead Meets Skinhead.

  • Serolf_Divad

    But will his ambitions survive his friendship with a 26-year-old white trash militia kid arrested for trying to kill a bunch of judges and cops?

    Or will it only make him more popular among "the base?" I suspect this sort of thing is the teabagger version of "street cred."

    • http://wonkette.com Ken Layne

      You mean Al Qaeda? (And by "Al Qaeda, I mean "AL. Qaeda." But not "Alabama Qaeda." ALASKA QAEDA, come on. Jesus.)

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Wouldn't that be AK Qaeda, then? Verbalize it, and it sounds like you're coughing up a lung oyster.

        • mereoblivion

          AL-lahu AK-bar

          • Swampgas_Man

            When it says Ore-Ida, it's all-righta!

      • OneYieldRegular

        Al Aska.

        • BarryOPotter

          Al Aska Martyrs' Brigade…

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Ve are the Alaskan People's Front Cwack Suicide Squad. Suicide squad! Attack!

          • Negropolis

            Bwahahahahaha…!!!!

      • Negropolis

        I like how you think….Al-Asq al Queda has a nice ring to it.

  • nounverb911

    Coup's on first?

    • Swampgas_Man

      Twat's on second.

  • SorosBot

    How surprising that a Senate candidate who had his own private goon squad rough up reporters would be pallin' around with terrorists; or that none of the mainstream media will use the T-word for these guys.

    • freakishlywrong

      They are not brown(ish).

      • SorosBot

        A white guy can get the terrorist label, but needs a triple-digit body count to get it.

        • V572625694

          Mmmm….maybe. Nobody ever calls Tim McVeigh a "Christian terrorist," do they?

          • comrad_darkness

            I do. But does anyone ever listen??

          • WriteyWriterton

            I'm here for you, c_d.

  • x111e7thst

    Was this one of the fucktards Joe the Kansas Miller was using as "security" and to "arrest" journalists?

  • Mumbletypeg

    It's unfortunate "Schaeffer Cox" isn't quite the ticket for a porn name. Maybe some modification — "Chafer Cox"? Ouch, painful.
    But it rhymes with Pay-for-Cocks so I'm sure once he's out on parole this could be a promising career move.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    “The plan would then have the tactical teams going to the target’s houses, cutting the power, shooting the inhabitants as they come out to check on their power; then the team would kick the target’s residence’s doors in, kill everybody inside and set the house on fire. Then the team would lay in hiding and take out the initial responding officer before moving on to the next target.”

    What could possibly go wrong? It's just like Ethan Hunt and the Impossible Mission Force would lay it out…

    • Beowoof

      Maybe they could even use the code name Ethan Kunt, to honor Sarah their queen.

  • LesPaultard

    Only the 2,137th isolated right-wing terror plot since 2008.

    • PalinPussyPower

      Your liberal bias media chart is wrong-o! Must be the Mooslims again, also too. Schaeffer Cox sounds like an Arab name.

    • WriteyWriterton

      There are no white-wing terror plots. Just ask Peter King (R-IRA).

  • Badonkadonkette

    There you go again with your lamestream media liberal bias, Ken. I don't remember all this outrage over Obama's association with "57 states."

  • nounverb911

    "26-year-old Schaeffer Cox"
    Is he related to the Koch Brothers?

    • dudleydidwrong

      Only as a sex toy.

    • LesPaultard

      He's from the plural side of the family.

      • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

        In his fondest wishes and hopes .Cox has a picture of them that he kisses every night before going to sleep.

  • arcane_allusion

    If anything this proves his bona fides with the AK crowd.

    Joe's statement must have some dog whistles it in to show those in the know that he really was/is besties with this guy.

  • GuanoFaucet

    "Tactical teams"?

    A group of obese tweakers riding hoverounds, right?

    • DustBowlBlues

      Their scooters are given a custom paint job to match their camo parkas.

    • GeneralLerong

      Nah. In Alaska it's ATVs.

    • SilverTsunami

      Snow-Gos, another endorsement! Artic Cat must be so proud.

  • nounverb911

    "Schaeffer Cox"
    Sounds like an STD.

    • freakishlywrong

      It IS an STD. Scarily Dangerous Teatard.

      • DustBowlBlues

        Who is that hiding behind Iodide? Which is to say, who were you before Japan went into literal nuclear meltdown. This is relevant because I want to know who is connected to that smarty pants word. No, not Teatard. The other one.

    • BornInATrailer

      I think it is actually similar to "whiskey dick."

  • Oblios_Cap

    Instead of just defunding Mental Hospitals, are we really sure that Reagan didn't send all of their residents to Alaska first?

    • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      There's a saying in Alaska among females about the males…

      "The odds are goods, but good are odd."

      • BaldarTFlagass

        And "You can't be first, but you can be next."

    • zhubajie

      Alaska is where the squirrels hide their nuts!

  • pukebot

    i would like to yield the balance of my time to the senator from methskinheadgunstupidtopia.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    I wouldn't want to be Joe Miller when/if Cox gets out prison.

    "This is how you talk about your friends, Joe?"

  • DemmeFatale

    You lie down with dogs, you get fleas.
    Don't poke a skunk.
    You gotta dance with them what brung you.
    Live by the sword, die by the sword.
    Etcetera…

    (Ask Sarah, Joe.)

  • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    We're goin' north – the rush is on.

  • phlox✔

    …a 26-year-old white trash militia kid arrested for trying to kill a bunch of judges and cops.
    This is the Alaska equivalent of an MIT grad. Maybe Rutgers.

  • Jim89048

    Hutaree tried it first, with similar results.

  • owhatever

    Dopey ole Schaeffer did not realize that it is easier, and more sporting, to shoot judges from helicopters.

    • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Or feral Kansas pigs. Or furriners… but I repeat myself.

  • Negropolis

    But will his ambitions survive his friendship with a 26-year-old white trash militia kid arrested for trying to kill a bunch of judges and cops?

    This sounds like a soap opera episode ending. Maybe, it could be called "As the World Burns" or some shit like that.

    Stay tuned, next week!

    BTW, this is what the Hutaree Militia up here in Michigan was busted for, last year. Except that they were also planning to use IEDs.

    • Beowoof

      When he gets to prison we could call it AS MY ASS BURNS.

    • SorosBot

      And the one NRA nut near Pittsburgh who actually managed to kill three cops.

  • lefty74

    Thank you Sarah Palin! We'd be up shit creek if it weren't for your "help" in some of the Senate races.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Is there anyone not on meth in AK?

    • xsluggo

      Only the huskies.

    • mog253

      Just the dealers.

    • GeneralLerong

      Just the ones growing pot.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Nothing says Respect Authority™ and We Are A Nation Of Laws™ like killing cops and judges.

    **Long-established, proud trademarks of the Republican Party

  • edgydrifter

    I'm trying to imagine Cox's "best-case" scenario supporting his cunning plan.

    Step 1: Kill all the cops, judges, paramedics and their families.
    Step 2: Alaska declares independence
    Step 3: I am EMPEROR of PEACEMAKING!!!

    It's like Bottle Rocket x Underpants Gnomes squared.

    • NorthStarSpanx

      In a desperate way to tie Sarah Palin to play some way into helping Cox foment this plot – let's look back at her writing on law enforcement in Alaska, in one of her most sobering realizations that made her the 'adult' she is today described so incredibly in a passage in Going Rogue:

      And when a state trooper pulls Chuck and her over for barrelling down a wintery road on a snowmobile, she describes it as "a couple of kids" being hassled by "a big dude with a gun and a badge".

      Her words: "I couldn't help wondering about his priorities; I wondered if he really didn't have better things to do, like arresting a bad guy, or maybe helping a poor old lady haul in her firewood for the night. Looking back, maybe that was my first brush with the skewed priorities of government."

  • Zombie_Reagan

    I anxiously await Fox News' investigative report on these right-wing terrorists.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      It will be broadcaset right after Rep. King's hearing on them.

  • Negropolis

    Blessed are the peacemakers…er…piecemakers.

    Read it; it's in the Bahbull!

    • SorosBot

      Blessed is the Greek?

      • Bezoar

        Blessed are the Cheesemakers!
        (Well, not the Cheesemakers specifically, it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.)

    • mereoblivion

      The Tahr of Bahbull?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    "Look, Ken, I'm not a bigot. You know the kind of posts I've written about the Alaskan Frontier. But when I get on the plane, I got to tell you, if I see people who are in Alaskan garb and I think, you know, they are identifying themselves first and foremost as Alaskans, I get worried. I get nervous.

    • Negropolis

      WIN

      • Ducksworthy

        Win won Juan

    • WriteyWriterton

      Game over. We cede the field to you.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    There's some kind of fundamental problem up there, I wonder if it's possibly due to the length of the nights on the Arctic Circle leading to excessive watching of Chuck Norris movies and shit while all tweaked up on the meth that gives these fuckers such a distorted view of reality, that they think they can go around and shoot cops and judges and such. The wild west passed on over century ago down here in the Lower 48.

    • http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/cheaphits/reviews/ cheaphits

      That's right, as long as you count Hawaii as on of the "lower 48" and Arizona with Alaska.

      • GeneralLerong

        You're forgetting Idaho.

    • 102415

      The fundamental problem is the Warrior Christians who moved there and began breeding in a state where you still get paid for breeding. The regular money grubbing complaining Republicans didn't figure it out until it was too late.

      • NorthStarSpanx

        Thank you 102415, these imported, breeding gun-toting xtian freaks keep trying to claim Alaska as their own from us First Peoples.

        • 102415

          It cannot be said too often. It's what they have planned for the rest of us down here.

  • elviouslyqueer

    GodDAMMIT William Seward. You just had to waste a perfectly good $7.2 million on this batshit-infested frozen wasteland.

    • Negropolis

      We had to have some way to keep an eye on them shifty Russkies.

    • PhilippePetain

      I guess history has confirmed his folly, after all.

  • PopeyesPipe

    After reading this, I can actually smell the weeks-old, half-eaten taco bell under the hide-a-bed subtly emerging from the smell of tires burning down the road, near the river.

    • prommie

      And always, the lingering aroma and blue haze of two-stroke engine exhaust, everywhere.

    • http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/cheaphits/reviews/ cheaphits

      Mingled with the scent of a decomposing stray dog shot from the front porch and the tavern like smell of the four cases of Bud Lime empties scattered about. .

      • WriteyWriterton

        Forget not the K-car on cinder blocks.

  • OneYieldRegular

    “The plan would then have the tactical teams going to the target’s houses, cutting the power, shooting the inhabitants as they come out to check on their power; then the team would kick the target’s residence’s doors in, kill everybody inside and set the house on fire. Then the team would lay in hiding and take out the initial responding officer before moving on to the next target.”

    Eagerly awaiting Sarah Palin's tweet that it's outrageous to see anything other than harmless rhetoric in that.

    • DustBowlBlues

      Speaking of Bible Spice (the other thread is way too long) isn't Al-ASKA closer to Japan than the rest of us? Whatever. Has she twatted about how she's keeping poor little Trigger (trust me, she's going to make money on that kid, one way or the other) duct taped into the house because he's already a retard and she can't risk exposing him to any radiation? Or will she lend him to a child welfare group to let him go play with little kids in Japan, because, since he's already a retard, it won't make any difference?

      Her pain in this militia story will no doubt involve Todd and how betrayed he feels that some of his patriot buddies allowed their passionate love for this country that is being ruined by Obama to turn them into violent terrorists against their will? Along with a vigorous defense of the 2nd. Amendment. Which in Sarah's case will be, Prtct gunz. #2 Amend

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Obviously, the quote was edited to omit the crucial "WITH VOTES".

  • Ducksworthy

    Didn't Todd try out to be the esquimaux mascot of this group.

  • Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    Hmmm. Google News shows 100 articles on this, and yet not one from Fox News.

  • Pragmatist2

    Miller later said: "I only knew him from when we met at the Unemployment Office every two weeks."

    • DustBowlBlues

      My daughter said that after working nearly a year in Fairbanks, on the road much of the time, she no longer takes an indoor toilet as a given in a restaurant. Since their outdoor location would make them the perfect, secluded spot for self-loathing closeted I'm-Not-Gay Rebubtards (thanks again, whomever I stole it from) to hook up.

  • bumfug

    Joe "The Guys At Fox Like Me 'Cause I Look Like House" Miller.

  • SorosBot

    And you know who else planned to kill a whole bunch of cops and judges?

    • RedneckMuslin

      Jesus?

    • GregComlish

      right-wing nut job Richard Poploski

      • PublicLuxury

        Right-wing nut job Hitler?

    • GregComlish

      right-wing nut job Byron Williams

    • GregComlish

      right-wing nut job Joshua Cartwright

    • Negropolis

      Batman's The Joker?

      • CessnaDriver

        Holy Batfuck, Buttman!

    • neiltheblaze

      Joseph Stalin – though maybe he was a bit spontaneous.

  • Mahousu

    Mr. Miller became acquainted with Mr. Cox through Republican Party politics, not unlike many other State leaders.

    And it's not fair to draw the obvious conclusion about Alaskan Republican Party politics from this fact. You hear me? NOT FAIR.

  • samsuncle

    Joe Miller is like a bad case of jock itch. You don't miss him when he is not around anymore.

  • el_donaldo

    Is it too late for him to get his reality show now?

    • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      I'm working on a spec script for Lockup: Fairbanks.

  • Cicada

    But will his ambitions survive his friendship with a 26-year-old white trash militia kid arrested for trying to kill a bunch of judges and cops?

    Since when is a 26-year-old considered a kid? Hell, in Alaska that's old enough to be a great-grandpa.

  • Gopherit

    You just know that these assholes are all tight with Todd and the Wasilla princess.

  • glamourdammerung

    Whatever.

    Much like our "liberal media", Representative Peter King knows that white people are not terrorists.

  • widestanceroman

    Miller Tainted by Ties to Cox.

  • Guppy06

    Isn't this the movie where Kevin Costner delivers a bunch of old mail?

  • DustBowlBlues

    Subject them to the Peter King test for whether you're a terrorist:

    1. Are you a Muslin?
    2. Did you intend to shoot a civilian or just a member of the British Army?
    3. Are you brown?
    4. Was your target an American?

    If answer to #4 is yes, please explain particulars, making sure to explain whether this was a millionaire or someone in the stands at NASCAR or a Democrat? (A yes to last one will be used as a mitigating factor to your yes to #4).

  • DustBowlBlues

    I wish I'd saved my comment, below, as a response to you.

    • Extemporanus

      Nah, it deserves to stand on its own, Dusty.

  • TanzbodenKoenig

    Joe Miller's brownshirt paramilitary thugs are doing it all wrong; you can't start the political purges until after your guy get's elected. Until then you have to practice more subtle forms of thuggery, like non-fatal beatdowns and voter intimidation. That's like Fascism 101, fucking amateurs.

  • mereoblivion

    About to be remade as the early 10s Schaeffer Cox P-flick "I Come In Face."

  • XOhioan

    That's not Miller's style, people. Sure, he knocks down nine-year old boys who get in his way, but he would never shoot them unless seriously provoked.

  • XOhioan

    Potentially the greatest danger posed by Schaeffer Cox was the introduction of stupid-looking hats into the political climate.
    http://filterednews.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/f

    Found dozens of different photos of him in this Mary Poppins extra getup.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    I thought killing cops and judges was what passed for idle entertainment on long nights in Alaska. That and counting the emerging varicose veins on Sarah Palin's gams.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    I can't quit you, Adolph.

    • PhilippePetain

      "If their bare buttocks block out the sun, we shall fuck in the shade!!!"

      And so on.

  • DownFist Troll

    Now don't judge these folks too hard now. They're just defending themselves against Obama's tyrannical central government and it's plot to implement a godless new world order via Greenpeace and the UN and possibly the lizard people.

    • WriteyWriterton

      And the French, except for their nuclear-power management, which is now our model, per John L'Orange.

    • neiltheblaze

      ACORN!

  • fuflans

    i think you're going to be stuck fleeing to IL like everyone else.

  • fuflans

    what's a mid 40-ish dude doing hanging out with a 26 year old anyway?

    unsavory.

  • PublicLuxury

    In a land of spores Joe Miller is the mold.

  • elviouslyqueer

    But you can see Russia from there!

  • genxr

    Obviously we need Congressional hearings on how the Republican party radicalized this young man. Are Republicans doing enough to denounce terrorism within their ranks?

  • An_Outhouse

    Joe Miller is good friends with Cocks, not Mr. Cox.

  • jqheywood

    Or a law firm…but wait, that's redundant. Sorry.

  • SilverTsunami

    Two crucial ingredients for irony: 1) self-awareness and 2)understanding of how language works. So, I'm thinking not irony. Maybe a nostalgic look back to the famous Colt gun of the same name?

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Chaffed Cocks. In the long cold Alaska nights you run out of whale blubber for lubricant you take those chances.

  • moar_plz

    "Mr. Cox offered no tangible support to Miller’s run for the US Senate; he was neither a campaign contributor nor volunteer; and, save for public forums during the campaign, has had no contact with Mr. Miller subsequent to his run-ins with the law early last year …."

    Close enough for me! PALLIN' AROUND! Pallin' around with Cox! Look everybody! He's pallin' around with a terrorist!

  • ttommyunger

    Again, an exasperated FBI Spokesman has come out denouncing this type of lawless attack planned without Bureau encouragement and supervision. In a brief news conference, he breathlessly emphasized, "These plots of murder and mayhem are serious projects, and have no business being planned and executed by amateurs acting on their own, somebody could get hurt!".

  • WriteyWriterton

    Color me surprised by Jo-Mentum's denial. No, wait, not at all.

  • jaegermeister

    Schaeffer Cox sez “I know Sarah Palin well". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSPozBWAJng @02:53

  • 102415

    They do in fact all know one another, there are more people in a two block radius in my neighborhood than live in the whole state of Alaska. Every person I know who has visited or lived in Alaska knows all these twits and twats.

  • CessnaDriver

    Joey likes movies about gladiators. So this fits right in.

  • CessnaDriver

    But, were they going to wear tuxedos?

  • MistyMountain

    So Joey has been "palin' around with terrorists." Uh-oh, Scary Sary won't like that!

    Oops, Taud, the former First Dud, has been palin' around with Miller. So, does that mean Taud is ALSO palin' around with terrorists?

    Sary better call that witch doctor you have on speed dial!

  • MistyMountain

    But…but…but…Miller and Cox aren't Muslims.

    Or, perhaps they are. Hmmm.

  • LesPaultard

    Crazy in the US seems to be in the continent's corners.

  • neiltheblaze

    And everything in between.