RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  3:58 pm March 16, 2011

Michelle Obama’s Obesity Myth Grows, Reaches 75 BMI

by Benjamin Frisch

  • A Catholic church in Denver loves to bury the remains of aborted fetuses, no doubt to remind the priests of all the children they missed out on abusing. [Hyscience]
  • That filthy obesity propagandist (and enormous fatty) Michelle Obama keeps perpetuating the myth that the gross-inflation of our national midriff is somehow bad for America. [DRScoundrels]
  • Michael Reagan says that Obama is killing America just like Michael Reagan’s foster-parent senile movie-star daddy killed the Soviet Union. [FoxNews]
  • Muslims love to kill children because nothing compares to a fresh glass of sang-des-enfantes when summoning the satanic spirit of Allah. [NRO]
  • Former Godfather’s Pizza CEO and future Republican president Herman Cain wants to save all the black babies from Planned Parenthood, for some reason. [CNS]
 
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{ 117 comments }

Mumbletypeg March 16, 2011 at 4:01 pm

These "wonkette blues" are not at all helping me with my Lenten resolution to put mind over mutter.

Negropolis March 16, 2011 at 10:41 pm

It's not helping my resolution to put mind over mutton. Mmmm…mutton….

Angry_Marmot March 17, 2011 at 2:29 am

Sheep lie.

Negropolis March 17, 2011 at 3:17 am

True. If they didn't, they'd fall whilst trying to sleep standing up.

SorosBot March 16, 2011 at 4:02 pm

There's more than a little irony in the neglected son of Ronald Reagan attacking the President for increasing the national debt.

facehead March 16, 2011 at 4:12 pm

More than a little? That one comment depleted our entire national irony reserves.

hagajim March 16, 2011 at 4:24 pm

You mean I won't be able to take my irony supplements anymore? No more One-A-Day with Irony…sheeiiitttt

SorosBot March 16, 2011 at 4:26 pm

I'm also trying to use use up our understatement reserves.

genxr March 16, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Our national irony reserves were depleted decades ago. We are running an irony deficit that grows larger each year. Soon our national irony debt will exceed our GDP (gross domestic propaganda).

widestanceroman March 16, 2011 at 5:12 pm

But we've still got plenty of dick jokes on the North Slope!

BarackMyWorld March 16, 2011 at 5:54 pm

It was all the Democrats' fault because they controlled one house of the Congress while Reagan was president and gave him everything he asked for.

Extemporanus March 16, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Do black babies count as one topping, or two?

mereoblivion March 16, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Dayum, I had to re-read that whole stinkin' list before I could figure out which item your question applied to. Thanks!

Extemporanus March 16, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Remind me to never let you take my Chinese carry-out order.

mereoblivion March 17, 2011 at 10:15 am

You wan' jerry-lo on side?

MissTaken March 16, 2011 at 5:03 pm

3/5ths a topping

Extemporanus March 16, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Haha, I knew that I could count on one of you racist fucks to deliver!

If Clifford Worley taught us anything, it's that a pie just ain't Sicilian without some fucking eggplant.

KenLayIsAlive March 16, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Stupid Soviet Union. Pushed into the dustbin of history by a unwinnable war in Afghanistan and a giant costly military and an inflexible and unrealistic economic ideology.

What were they thinking!

OC_Iodide_Surf_Serf March 16, 2011 at 4:07 pm

they were thinking the British mustave been pussies…

magnetite March 17, 2011 at 4:22 am

we were thinking the same thing about the Macedonians…

Bonzos_Bed_Time March 16, 2011 at 5:46 pm

They were thinking their nuclear power plants would save them!

WriteyWriterton March 17, 2011 at 12:11 am

They were thinking that every happy family is happy in the same way, and every stupid hubristic empire is unhappy in a different way, but they were wrong.

ManchuCandidate March 16, 2011 at 4:05 pm

Shorter GOPer denial: "Follow your dreams. You can reach your goals; I'm living proof … Beefcake, BEEFCAKE!"
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weight_Gain_4000

OC_Iodide_Surf_Serf March 16, 2011 at 4:06 pm

fuck…now I am kinda hoping for some of those radiation-stained winds

wondering where i am March 16, 2011 at 8:44 pm

Idiot wind, blowing every time you move your chest
Blowing down the backroads headin’ west

PublicLuxury March 16, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Muzlins killing babies????? OMG! Only the United States is allowed to kill Muzlin babies via the holy bomb seed of the Jeebus.

Ducksworthy March 16, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Also the holy hand grenade. Or does that only work on rabbits?

trampndirtdown March 16, 2011 at 9:28 pm

1, 2 ,5 no 3

WriteyWriterton March 17, 2011 at 12:11 am

And the holy Predator Drone.

the_problem_child March 16, 2011 at 6:02 pm

Blood libel!

Cicada March 16, 2011 at 4:07 pm

The writers at NRO calling Muslims baby blood drinkers is a classic case of projection.

genxr March 16, 2011 at 5:07 pm

What would Sarah Palin call it?

SorosBot March 16, 2011 at 4:08 pm

So Andrew McCarthy claims that Muslims are all monsters who celebrate the deaths of children, and that they want to destroy Israel because of prophecies in the Koran regarding the end of the world; unlike the good Christians who never celebrate the killing of Muslims (say with bombs) or want to destroy the Palestinians because of Biblical prophecy

CZL March 16, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Cognitive dissonance is fun!

Ducksworthy March 16, 2011 at 5:21 pm

However, cognition is a necessary prerequisite. Hence, what you find humorous they are deadly serious about.

Ruhe March 16, 2011 at 5:03 pm

The absolutism of the eschatologists; the dark night in which all your enemies are black-hearted baby eaters.

SorosBot March 16, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Well it's a good thing Christians (along with their predecessors among both the Jewish people and the pre-Christian Romans) don't have a history of slandering other religions with false baby-killing accusations in order to justify torture and attempted genocide.

zhubajie March 16, 2011 at 9:24 pm

Quite true. Accusing your enemy of incest and cannibalism was pretty routine Roman abuse.

BarackMyWorld March 16, 2011 at 5:57 pm

And "Weekend at Bernie's 2" sucked!

Barbara_i March 16, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Muslims love to kill children because nothing compares to a fresh glass of sang-des-enfantes….
I prefer a nice white infantdel. Please, no Sutter Home. That stuff taste like a homeless dude's ass.

OC_Iodide_Surf_Serf March 16, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Barb, around here, going around and tasting homeless dude's buttcracks is the newest tourist attraction.

zhubajie March 16, 2011 at 9:26 pm

I've sometimes thought that Swift's Modest Proposal for Ireland could easily be up-dated as a "welfare reform." It might even get voted in, given the sorts who are getting voted in.

HistoriCat March 16, 2011 at 10:15 pm

Kind of like how Franklin's suggestion to change the clocks resulted in Daylight Savings Time?

mereoblivion March 16, 2011 at 4:47 pm

"I prefer a nice white infantdel." To each her own. Make mine newbornet blanc, s.v.p.

elviouslyqueer March 16, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Please, no Sutter Home. That stuff taste like a homeless dude's ass.

Wait. I thought that was Yellow Tail.

Barbara_i March 16, 2011 at 5:05 pm

I am giving you a most excellent gold star for that. Thanks!

dahboner March 16, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Bo Jo Lay.

LabRodent March 16, 2011 at 4:11 pm

So when i ask my muslin co-worker whats for lunch. Should i just assume its babies or should i ask for a look see.

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 16, 2011 at 4:11 pm

That filthy obesity propagandist (and enormous fatty) Michelle Obama keeps perpetuating the myth that the gross-inflation of our national midriff is somehow bad for America.

Admit it, in the coming Apocalypse, you will be happy for the extra warmth.

hagajim March 16, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Not only warmth, I can live off my jelly roll for a few extra weeks while all the skinnies die off.

LetUsBray March 16, 2011 at 9:39 pm

Then I'd suggest eating the dead skinnies, except those people are all gristle.

BornInATrailer March 17, 2011 at 9:34 am

Did you not see Zombieland? Fatties die first.

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 16, 2011 at 4:12 pm

Isn't it interesting that Michael Reagan has forgotten about the eight years of Bush that placed us in this wonderful economic mess. If only the rest of us could forget those eight years…, but no mater how much you drink, they are still there.

hagajim March 16, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Eight years of Bush…hell he's apparently forgotten the 8 years of his lovely douchebag Daddy – who really started this whole you can have it all and pay lower taxes bullshit….dumbfucks who are dumb have no business opening their stupid moufs.

SorosBot March 16, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Just like his daddy forgot him; he's returning the favor.

zhubajie March 16, 2011 at 9:37 pm

Lots of Reps would like to forget Bush's 8 years!

SorosBot March 16, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Mr. Caine, you're not revealing anything; everyone knows that the forced birth movement likes to slander Margaret Sanger with lies that she promoted birth control to slowly get rid of black people.

(I also put a version of that up on the CNS site; I'll see how long they let it stay).

Ruhe March 16, 2011 at 4:59 pm

You have got to hand it to them for finding ever new ways to keep this issue alive. What is it now, five, ten years ago that RU486 was supposed to come on the market? I'd have bet real money then that abortion as a political wedge was dying. But a friend of mine, smarter than me, predicted that the fetus fetishists would just find a way to block that too and just keep chasing the preciousness of life until they had federally established name registries for every human zygote in existence.

SorosBot March 16, 2011 at 5:17 pm

It's all about the preciousness of life, which is why they're trying to defund Planned Parenthood, even though it mostly provides contraceptive services that prevent abortion. Oh, except according to their conspiracy theories; this was one of the insane comments:

"You are the idiot, places like Planned Parenthood, deliberately give low doses of Birth Control out so that these kids do get pregnant and then have to come to them for abortions, because that is where they make their money. Planned Parenthood is an evil organization. "

elviouslyqueer March 16, 2011 at 4:14 pm

Shorter Ladybug4Freedom: I might be able to wage a cogent argument about obesity if it weren't for the 50 pounds of fat occupying the space between my ears.

hagajim March 16, 2011 at 4:21 pm

BMI stands for Big Mississippean correct – Haley Barbour

Numbat_Dundee March 16, 2011 at 4:58 pm

And there I thought it was Buttocks like Mountains Index.

edgydrifter March 16, 2011 at 4:22 pm

You know how I know Obama's not a secret Mau Mau Islamofascist? Listen to the shit his opponents say about Michelle. You think Ahmadinejad puts up with that? Or Saleh? Hell, I'd drop and give five to Mecca in the middle of an NRA meeting just to hear Obama say "excuse me, did you just call my wife FAT?? Guards, seize him!"

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum March 16, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Inveigh all you like, Michael. "Dad" still doesn't know you exist.

Fare la Nippon March 16, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Huh. Who knew that muscle meant "fat" in the GOP lexicon.

In that case, Huckabee's a fucking bodybuilder.

SorosBot March 16, 2011 at 5:09 pm

And what does that make Limbaugh?

Fare la Nippon March 16, 2011 at 5:25 pm

Ahnold.

SorosBot March 16, 2011 at 4:24 pm

To "Ladybug4Freedom" and the caption for her picture of Michelle Obama: "Does this picture make THIN come to mind? " Yes; also muscular and fit.

ifthethunderdontgetya March 16, 2011 at 4:24 pm

What is my point here? My point, I guess, is that this administration and the various health groups that depend on the left wing largess to survive will use this obesity issue to ram through whatever they think is necessary to continue us down the path to socialism.

by Ladybug4Freedom

How does one parody this?
~

Weenus299 March 16, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Fuck parody, let's actually try and do this shit!

Ducksworthy March 16, 2011 at 5:11 pm

If anybody is going to ram anything through Ladybug4Freedumb, I think it should be you Weenus.

edgydrifter March 16, 2011 at 4:31 pm

It's never a good sign when you have to "guess" what point you were trying to make.

elviouslyqueer March 16, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Whiny morbidly obese mouth-breather is whiny.

BaldarTFlagass March 16, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Again with the "ramming" fixation.

WriteyWriterton March 17, 2011 at 12:17 am

I'm surprised the referenced vector was not the 'Bagger favorite "down our throats." Ahem.

Dudleydidwrong March 16, 2011 at 5:39 pm

I "guess" that the fit will continue down whatever path is left open to us by the waddling weenies who have clogged the arteries of progress. I "guess" we can outrun the bulbous bastards when they stop for another Bigger and Bigger Mac. I "guess" you have to have an IQ larger than that of a brick to understand BMI.

undeterredbyreality March 16, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Unified version:

All unaborted black muslim babies will get fat drinking the blood of unburied fetuses paid for by their entitlements which are killing America. Also.

LabRodent March 16, 2011 at 4:56 pm

WIN!!!!!!

Weenus299 March 16, 2011 at 4:30 pm

So where's the Muslin SP complaining about blood libel?

Numbat_Dundee March 16, 2011 at 5:01 pm

It's only blood libel if it's anti-semitic and Palin is a semite but the Arabs aren't.

elviouslyqueer March 16, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Certainly it is not great to be fat, and it is definitely not good to be enormously fat. It impinges on one’s ability to get around comfortably, participate in nearly any kind of recreational activity, shop for attractive clothes or wear stylish shoes.

This is good news for Manolo Blahnik. Not so great for Dress Barn.

dox[acted] March 16, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Planned Parenthood threatens the cornerstone of the Republican jobs plan: Free, abundant prison labor.

(requisite ass-covering: not saying aborted babies would have been criminals–saying poor and undersupported children in communities that are not treated fairly by the criminal justice system will make for great 'replacement workers' once the unions have been busted)

trampndirtdown March 16, 2011 at 9:41 pm

What does being a criminal have to do with being thrown in (corporate owned) prison, and being made to do slave labor?

WriteyWriterton March 17, 2011 at 12:19 am

A**-covering won't save you here, my precious.

WriteyWriterton March 17, 2011 at 12:21 am

Not that there's anything wrong with a**covering. (Gad, these bowdlerizings are getting tedious. I might have to give up and just get dirty.)

Ducksworthy March 16, 2011 at 4:45 pm

This burying fetuses (fetie?) is good news for Ducksworthy. If you are planning on burying a fetus (zygote, defective egg) please go to ducksworthy.com to order your wee teeny tiny funeral kit only $19.95 including coffin, holy water and tiny moss flowers (coffin may resemble a matchbook). You should be able to find a priest to officiate pretty cheaply. And you have a choice of the cremation option with cremation fluid and pryer (may resemble Zippo lighter fluid.)

gef05 March 16, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Do you cremate work colleagues?

Just wondering.

WriteyWriterton March 17, 2011 at 12:19 am

You are way ahead on the entrepreneurial curve. I, for one, salute you.

fuflans March 16, 2011 at 4:46 pm

i refuse to click on any of these website abortions, BUT that NRO article sounds like it really IS blood libel. in the old fashioned medievally slander the other religion kinda way.

SudsMcKenzie March 16, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Isn't Michael the "Kuato" of Reagan's?

glamourdammerung March 16, 2011 at 4:51 pm

If only there was some really important issue with the Catholic Church and children that needed to really be fixed for them to focus on.

Ruhe March 16, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Oh, McCarty, you sophistic little hermeneut. Please be sure to scour the Bible as carefully the next time some snaggle toothed knuckle dragging white supremacist tries to justify his attack on the browns by appealing to Jeebus.

LabRodent March 16, 2011 at 4:52 pm

That fat guy may look happy now. But in 2 months when he's in ICU with a zipper on his chest….not so much.

finallyhappy March 16, 2011 at 5:24 pm

More likely in an oversized coffin- but he might have a nice smile courtesy of the mortician.

mereoblivion March 16, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Benjamin, your "digest" is usually a low point on the scale of Wonkettey morale. This week it just seem like five more drops in the storm of piss raining down on all of us.

Ducksworthy March 16, 2011 at 5:02 pm

"When you have over 1,000 businesses asking for exemptions from ObamaCare, shouldn’t that say something is wrong with it?" Herman, how many businesses do you think there are in the US? What percentage would "over 1000" amount to. Are there really rat parts in your pizzas?

Ducksworthy March 16, 2011 at 5:05 pm

What, you don't like cardboard crusts and petrochemical sauces?

Fare la Nippon March 16, 2011 at 5:33 pm

With Real Cheez® Flavoring!

bitchincamaro2 March 16, 2011 at 5:07 pm

And what exactly is is with pizza chain mavens and their propensity for wingnuttery? I'm looking at you, Tom Monaghan.

Ducksworthy March 16, 2011 at 5:09 pm

I think you got the same messages from young Benjamin's intellectual dumpster diving that I did. The TeaTard ideology leads them to oppose everything that the normal people think is good and right, like health and masturbation, and support everything that the rest of us find abhorrent like child abuse, pederasty, slavery and obesity. Its not really a political philosophy so much as a self destructive perversion.

Fare la Nippon March 16, 2011 at 5:30 pm

It's less perversion than it is sheer spite. Liberals like unions? Fuck unions! Liberals want to reduce obesity? Celebrate our fatfuckitude! Liberals care about earthquake victims? Claim the victims deserved it!

Really, their entire political ideology is based around sheer, small-dick-inspired prickitude.

LetUsBray March 16, 2011 at 9:45 pm

Right, really all the prez needs to do is go on TV and declare that the hallmark of good citizenship is not bathing with a plugged-in toaster. That'll thin out the numbers for Teabag Nation with a quickness.

prommie March 17, 2011 at 10:27 am

The resentment of a peasant against his or her natural superiors, I like to think.

BaldarTFlagass March 16, 2011 at 5:12 pm

I think most of them are in truck stops nowadays.

BaldarTFlagass March 16, 2011 at 5:13 pm

"Yo, put down the fork, fer Chrissakes!!"

Ducksworthy March 16, 2011 at 5:14 pm

When Jeebus comes back May 21 to rapture the elect there will have to be strict weight limitations.

stew1 March 16, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Because we all need some good news in these troubling times… http://tpmdc.talkingpointsmemo.com/2011/03/yes-am

Schmannnity March 16, 2011 at 5:21 pm

Michael Reagan: Discouraging adoption for over 31 years.

MinAgain March 16, 2011 at 5:46 pm

I would like to bring the funny, but I am so angry right now at the Republicans on the Tennessee House Education Subcommittee that I feel like throwing a rock at someone's head.

Billmatic March 16, 2011 at 6:17 pm

"Never mind that until Obama took office, America was the number one country in just about everything."

Just wanted to repost this jem for y'all.

bflrtsplk March 16, 2011 at 6:38 pm

"Mr. McCain, build that fence.

Angry_Marmot March 17, 2011 at 2:36 am

Just make sure he's on the other side.

Redhead March 16, 2011 at 7:18 pm

"A Catholic church in Denver loves to bury the remains of aborted fetuses, no doubt to remind the priests of all the children they missed out on abusing."

I'm scared to click the linky, but is this true or snark? (These days those lines blur so easily and often)

SorosBot March 16, 2011 at 11:09 pm

Sadly, all too true; the link also contains the routine photos of aborted "babies", which of course are all second or third trimester fetuses, ignoring the fact that almost all abortions are performed in the first trimester when the embryos look nothing like that.

Redhead March 17, 2011 at 7:12 am

Okay serious question – if they're actually burying fetuses, how are they getting them? That seems like both a HIPPA violation and a hazard material/body material disposal protocol violation…

(And how are they burying them? Many many first trimester fetuses aborted because the woman didn't want to have the baby more than health complications are too small to be seen, or are the size of about 1/5 of your pinky nail finger.)

but I'll upfist ya for clicking the link so I didn't have to!

BooBlueBlooded March 17, 2011 at 12:11 am

Fat people spend $726 a year on being fat? In this economy!?! Maybe they can subsidize thin people to keep being thin…. like solar panels or corn or whatever. That would totally motivate me to loose my muffin top.

WriteyWriterton March 17, 2011 at 12:13 am

I am not drinking any f*^#in' mertot!

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