If you’ve been avoiding the Business News because maybe you don’t want to know how badly your 401k just got radiation-sodomized, let’s just bring you out of the fog and into the harsh light:
US stocks plunged deep into the red Tuesday, joining a global market sell-off that started in Tokyo as Japan’s nuclear crisis deepened and worries escalated over the human and economic toll of last week’s devastating earthquake. The Dow Jones Industrial Average sank 209 points, or 1.7%, to 11,787, while the Standard & Poor’s 500-stock index dropped 21 points, or 1.6%, to 1,276. The Nasdaq Composite slid 45 points, or 1.67%, to 2,656.
The sharp selloff came after news of two more explosions at Japan’s Fukushima Daiichi nuclear-power plant, releasing large amounts of nuclear material directly into the atmosphere. Prime Minister Naoto Kan warned of “substantial” radiation leaks. Tokyo also suffered an aftershock in the late evening, according to Dow Jones Newswires.
Even bullshit gold is dropping like a glowing, unstoppable fuel rod. Down $31 in a day? Jesus, go Glenn Beck!
What else? Oh, who knows. Just terrible, from every angle. But we bet President Obama is “monitoring the situation,” ha ha. [Marketwatch]
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I am curious, is Glenn Beck still touting gold coin sales with the price of gold dropping?
He's shilling Uranium futures now.
Are you kidding? Now that gold is plummeting that means it's undervalued. Buy as much as you can!
Like Glenn is invested in gold. He just gets paid to shill. You know that bitch owns half an oil company, though.
No, lead (for suits) and potassium iodide.
Glen Beck is reading whatever bullshit is written on the cue cards the production assistant is holding up in front of him.
That's true. But his real value is knowing when to adlib a good sob.
Oh, Glenn Beck your precious gold won't help you now.
Stocks rallied on the news that unionized workers are excellent neutron-absorbers and will soon be shipped to Japan.
Hell, most Americans have a thicker lining than the lead around the reactor core. Plus, sending them on their hoverounds to Japan to absorb radiation can only help with unemployment (and cut down future medicare payments).
Take that, Kudlow!
Drats, beat me again Soros..
Upfist!
Joke's on you, global stock markets! I'm a poor and thus have no savings or 401ks to lose.
Aw, goddamn it all.
I gave you a thumbs up. Hope that helps.
Jim Kramer was disappointed this morning that the NYSE didn't fall further to make a buying opportunity for him.
hmmm. . . well, oil prices are down, but not as far down as to levels pre-Libya uprising mid February.
I'm scavenging for silver linings and edelweiss best I can.
Just pitched my new line of solid gold geiger counters to my friends at Fox news. They're batshit crazy for the idea.
Well, mostly just batshit crazy. But I'm in with a shot, right?
Can you find your waitress with a solid gold Geiger counter?
Guess who was just inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Up Fist for you and your drunk piano!
And he can't get a drink without her,
well every cloud has a silver lining. in this case it is cesium.
I do enjoy the fact that this story about the world ending & world economy collapsing is just a nice little sidebar story. Nothing to worry about, just a little bit of news we'd read somewhere. la, la, la – everything's fine
Even Dave Ramsey was panning gold as an investment months and months ago. But more importantly, I have now publicly embarassed myself by admitting that I occasionally listen to Dave Ramsey.
Mmmmm, ramen. It's gonna be just like college days all over again!
Yeah, mac and cheese! I feel like a kid again.
I quit!
This place is STUPID!
Sarah Palin, is that you?
Is the world really ending? So, can I start smoking again????
Well, look at it this way, you will be smoking soon…..
Yes, and if you find a good heroin dealer, let us all know, mmkay?
"Whoa Dude, where's my planet."
Do they still make 'Ludes?
By the looks of some of the folks… that Meth stuff is lookin' good right about now.
My friend used to say: "Meth doesn't feel so good, but it does seem to make your life go by faster."
To hell with smoking…I'm going on the Creme Brulee and bacon diet.
When the end is really nigh, I am eating a lobster and some shrimp-I'd rather go from my severe shellfish allergy.
Smoke'em if you got' em
I make a mean Creme Brulee. I use my best friend's recipe, it's the Romanian version. In Romanian it's called Crema de zahar ars (burnt sugar creme). I always call it creme of sugar ass because really, who can pass up an "ars" joke?
It's actually kind of dangerous the way it needs to be prepared, I've scorched my eyes with burnt sugar vapors. Some people like extreme sports, I like extreme cooking.
This news will be even more interesting once the Republicans bully Obama in to "leading" and handing whats left of our Social Security money to greedy Wall Street types to gamble with. Every day will be a roller coaster!
Honestly, the Serious People who don't want to gamble social security away in the next economic crash want to make sure I don't live long enough to collect anyway. I think right now, my retirement plan is to die of heart and/or liver disease before I'm 65, anyway. Or, in the civil war/wave of ethnic purges in 2014.
Every day will be a roller coaster!
You know…more so.
Are hobo beans dropping in price yet, too? Us California residents need to stock up.
How's the market for oceanfront land in Arizona doing?
Glowingly, if a bit shaky.
And trucknutz? Are trucknutz hangin' in there?
Have the refugees started crossing the Sierra Nevada into Death Valley yet?
No, no, no, no. Why does everyone get this wrong: You sell the Rapture, you buy the Apocalypse.
Win!!!
I wholly [redacted] that.
I keep waiting for more people being swallowed up by the earth, like the Sons of Korah!
But but but according to Wall St, they never panic because they're the masters of the universe and can bend time/space/atoms with their will.
If only we could get some of the stock brokers jumping out the windows like it's 1929.
Unfortunately, with the advent of climate control, most windows don't open anymore, so they would have to take a running start and leap through. Too much effort.
Everyone forgets about the positives at times like this. I mean, think at how much we will save in electricity costs when everything is glowing.
Bryan Fissure is pretty sure that this is good news for the Nuclear Family.
Wait, let me tell Dad. He's out in the garage sucking cock.
You're just waxing funny today, counselor.
Nuclear Daylight Savings Time!
Why didn't we listen to Sarah Palin? This is obviously further punishment for electing Barry as president.
Yeah, we coulda been so much better off… we is dumb.
Walnuts would put his job on hold to be on the ground in Japan to fix this crisis. Then I think he'd just pace, and fume and make kookie old faces.
Although he would crash his plane into one of the reactors on the way there…
'Cuz that's how he rolls.
Although he would crash his plane into one of the reactors on the way there…
…and somehow manage to end up captured by Kim Jong Il some 200 miles away.
When did we allow energy to be controlled by profit and not make it what it is, a public service? For the first time in my life, I'm almost thinking the entire energy industry needs to be nationalized and transitioned to clean energy ASAP.
Fuck, I think this makes me a full-blown socialist now, for real, and not just the way the teabaggers say. Yipes.
John Galt is not amused.
I couldn't agree more, but Barry is probably going to subsidize it, not nationalize it.
The company I buy my energy from is named "Public Service Electric and Gas," I think it used to be a public service, but then it was bought by a conglomerate called "Rape the People for Profits, Inc.," it was right around the time all of the non-profit hospitals built with charitable donations and tax money all of a sudden were not even purchased, they were just stolen, by Rape the Sick For Profits, Inc.
That idea is so 2008.
As someone who's been gradually becoming a full-blown Marxist since the second time someone used the phrase "class warfare" while simultaneously arguing for tax cuts for the super-wealthy and spending cuts to education and poverty reduction, welcome to the club.
how badly your 401k just got radiation-sodomized
Well, MY 401K is going to take advantage of the alpha/beta/gamma rump-pumping and do like Dr Bruce Banner and morph into the Incredible Hulk!
WALL STREET STRONG! HULK DESTROY!!
Man, I long for the "Good Ol' Days" of shit like "Gas Prices Hit $2 Per Gallon" or "Air Traffic Controllers on Strike" kinda headlines…
You know, the mellow stuff…
Or that Saigon cop shooting that Vietcong guy in the head, or the naked kid running out of the napalm fire, or the helicopters leaving the roof of the American embassy in Saigon, or the girl howling over the dead student at Kent State. Man, what sweet nostalgic childhood memories those photos evoke.
Or the Kennedy thing… or the Kennedy thing…
I'm as mean a cynic as it gets, but we're no more retarded than any of the retards who went before us.
Every generation lives through the crisis of its own time.
I'm pretty sure that Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin and the Tea Party are indications that retardedness (retardery?) is on a spectacular upswing. We joke, but I have a sneaking suspicion that this actually is the fall of Western civilization that we're watching from our Cheeto-stained La-Z-Boys.
I can recommend a lot of good history books.
But we used to get the occasional break from the crises.
We're not more retarded but have more advanced technology and can do greater damage!
remember when bush was trying to convince us all to reform social security by allowing those private ('personal' / 'individual') accounts that would be invested in the market?
They probably wouldn't let us do THAT now huh?
Larry Kudlow says the human cost of this market shiver is irrelevant, compared to gold.
Sell gold, buy lead. Lots of lead.
In sheet or projectile form?
All of them, Katie!
I have toys from China — is that good enough?
Ahem!
Or, for the Hoopy Froods among us…
Finally, if all else fails…
UPFIST towel carrying!
#3 is like Xanax with a vodka chaser. Only with fur.
Meanwhile, I'll be living large off my crisis garden. Suckers!
Radiation Sodomy is actually a very specific subgenre of Röntgen-porn. XXX-Rays for everyone!
Not all that bad.. .http://www.google.com/finance?q=NYSE:VTI
Lead.
Hahahaha world!
All of a sudden that 0.98% I'm getting on checking account ain't so funny now is it?
*sob*
Jars of Urine are the new Gold. Note it.
Can I take all these down to cash in now?
Please! Please don't let the world end before I have sex again!!
.
.
.
Whew. Wonkets, thanks for your patience.
Did you mean "sex with another human" or…..?
Do we have that long?
Buy buy BUY!!
Yee haw, been waiting to take the rubes for some dough and recoup some W losses.
Thanks!!!
Man, I sure hope Ken gives us a happy coup de grace today, like he did yesterday with the "union pulling their money out of the bank that donated to Walker's campaign" story. Otherwise my dogs might find me swinging from the shower curtain rod when they come around wanting their kibble tomorrow morning…
I'm trying, I'm trying ….
If that is the case you have over engineered your shower rod. Even the one attached to the ceiling in my house wouldn't take 50 pounds of weight. Hell even if the attachment would I don't think the rod will hold it.
Have a beer or three instead. It has stood me in good stead since TMI.
Hell, it can barely hold up the shower curtain, now that I look. Reckon I'll have to formulate a Plan B.
Alcoholic liver failure works for some people.
Hang in there to the bitter end, Baldar; for the dogs.
Is this the apocalypse? I expected bigger musical numbers and better special effects.
I just wish I knew what shoes to wear. Isn't there some rule?
Something that doesn't show bloodstains and can be conceivably boiled and eaten, I think.
Frank Rich? Is that you?
Make sure to stockpile your bottle caps and try and put a bunch of points into guns or energy weapons right away (melee and unarmed are much less useful).
Lincoln's repeater is your friend
The apocolypse is on May 21st this year. http://www.wecanknow.com/
Suck it Mayans! The world is ending this year, not 2012.
History ended in 1989; Jesus came back and nobody noticed.
And his name was Ronald Reagan.
Why is "monitoring the situation" in quotes but not President Obama?
To point out the irony?
Because he's morally weak?
the stock markets? are those things still around?
Hey, My only stock -Starbucks went up last week- and only dropped a little today. Keep drinking that stuff, Wonketteers. I don't drink it myself anymore but when you do, I have a little more money to spend on old people stuff.
Starbucks! Don't listen to that blather. But be sure to use genuine Exxon/Mobil (XOM) all natural organic petroleum products.
So what this tells me is that anytime anything takes a shit the market overreacts (either up or down) because a bunch of stupid fuck traders buy/sell as fast as they fucking can, because they're all stupid lemmings and are in a big hurry follow the first one off the fucking cliff….big stunner. Sounds like the Merikan media too.
It's not even traders any more, for the most part. Sixty percent of all trades are automated "high speed trading" – computers buying and selling from/to computers.
Shell game.
Off 2% is not a plunge. Off 10% is a plunge. 2% is a bad day. Keerist, take a chill pill.
Why isn't Obama using his Kenyan witchcraft to fix the tsunami and the nuclear power plant?? So much for hope and change!!
Doesn't he have a Nobel Prize winning scientist on his cabinet? That guy should be able to cold-stop this whole thing. Just like Obama did with the wars after he won his.
Why aren't the pentecostal faith healers of America healing the power plants?
Why sure, of course you can trust the Federal Reserve!
Treasury Dept?
Wall Street?
Shit, when DuBay was pretending to be POTUS the DOW dropped 5% and his Poppy droped the sucker 20% back in the day…
Forget this disaster stuff, what are Obama's final 4 picks?
WORLD COMES TO AN END! An in-depth interview with Charlie Sheen.
Shit, if this keeps up we're obviously in for another round of bail-outs; those fucking teachers.
"Stocks Collapse, Pilloried Colonists Injured"
Don't worry – check the Nikkai's Irradiated Cat Bounce. Right back up.
as i have no job and no prospects and my country is discussing a social safety net that will approach the vietnamese model w/out that country's go go economy i'm going to brega to fight with the libyan rebels.
yeah.
(what they'll do with a skinny blond chick over 40 i don't know, but i am so there .
My official Republican Talking Points™ flowchart STILL says I'm supposed to blame Obama for this.
Thank goodness we're not wasting moniez on seismic monitoring any more! BTW is Lou Sarah worried about radioactive fallout clouds? Or do they just make the sunset nicer?
Oh my! If the stock market goes any lower, I'm going to have start selling off my collection of vintage Edwardian rent boys on e-Bay.
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