war all the time

Petraeus Cites ‘Progress’ In Killing Taliban Guys For 10 Years Straight

We could just cold listen to the Strokes' 'Is This It' on the old-school iPad.War schlub David Petraeus did one of his “report cards to the Senate” things today, and he’s got good news! Despite never accomplishing* a single thing in 10 years of bloody, pointless, horrific boondoggle Central Asian warfare, “It is only recently that we have gotten the inputs right in Afghanistan.” Oh, now we get it! Afghanistan is like an old person trying to plug in an iPad. No, wait, the iPad wasn’t yet invented when we invaded Afghanistan. The iPhone? Nope. The Microsoft Zune? Ha ha, the Zune’s entire life has come and gone during just the second half (so far) of the Afghanistan occupation. Well how about an old-school iPod, with Grampa (who was much younger then!) just cold confused over that weird Apple firewire plug? No, sorry. The invasion of Afghanistan began on October 7, 2001 — the first clunky iPod went on sale several weeks later, on October 23.

The Los Angeles Times reports on this vulgar clown show:

[Petraeus] added, “There is no question that government capacity is an area of, in a sense, strategic risk.” He acknowledged that the Afghan government was unable to take over the civilian aid projects that are being undertaken by the U.S. and the international community …. Petraeus did not respond to Burgess’ argument that the tactical military gains have not undermined the Taliban as a fighting force.

McCain also asked the general about a new Washington Post-ABC News poll showing that nearly two-thirds of respondents now say the war in Afghanistan is no longer worth fighting, the highest proportion yet lacking confidence in the effort.

“I can understand the frustration,” Petraeus said. “We have been at this for 10 years. We have spent an enormous amount of money, we have sustained very tough losses and difficult, life changing wounds. … But I think it is important to remember why we are there. That is where 9/11 began, that’s where the plan was made.”

Oh right, 9/11 … thanks for the reminder, David. When was 9/11, anyway? It was a time before iPods, that much has been established. It was also a time long before Facebook or Twitter or Gawker or MySpace or Friendster. Buffy the Vampire Slayer had just left the “broadcast network” called “the WB” for another forgotten broadcast network called “UPN.” Today’s college freshmen were little children still leaving teeth under their pillow (so Osama bin Laden could leave them a Koran or a first-gen iPod).

Anyway, progress is being made, even though Petraeus says whatever make-believe gains are “fragile and reversible.” Also, despite constantly killing “the Taliban” (poor Afgan guys who’ve watched their country be bombed by the United States for an entire decade), “the Taliban” continue to fight! How does that work? Islamic magic, probably. (“Sharia.”) [Los Angeles Times]

* There has been an accomplishment, of sorts: Several invasions and many horrific torture revelations and “Camp X-Ray” and military tribunals and an entire decade of constant bombing of poor Muslims in Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iraq, Yemen, Somalia and probably a lot of other countries has created an entire generation of hundreds of millions of people, perhaps even billions, who hate America and will always hate America, because America is evil. And the most angry and desperate of these people will keep trying and occasionally succeed at bombing and otherwise murdering Americans in whatever possible way for rest of our lives.

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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  1. Lascauxcaveman

    Well, how long were the Russkies there? Have we beat their record yet?


    1. Andrew Drinker

      They might have done better if we weren't arming Osama bin Laden then!

      Wow, the Mujahideen sure act a lot different than they did in The Living Daylights!

    2. Mahousu

      Yep. They only lasted a little over 9 years (December, 1979 – February, 1989). We're already several months past that.

      Of course, they lost a whole lot more troops (something like 15,000). Not much hope of catching that record. But we're trying, it seems.

  2. ManchuCandidate

    Afghaninam might not have been the ginormous clusterfuck it is today but for some overbred nitwit Texan with a Hahvahd MBA decided to divert important resources like Marine Regiments, Ranger Companies and SF Groups to a more futile exercise in US America Freedumbz, Iraqinam.

    1. genxr

      When you say "overbred nitwit Texan" and Afghanistan in the same context, I think Charlie Wilson.

      1. ManchuCandidate

        Yes and no. He actually wanted to lay off inserting religoid bullshit and spend money on rebuilding the place, too unlike other folks who simply washed their hands of the whole mess.

    2. V572625694

      Nah, it still woulda been a monstrous clusterfuck. But on the other hand it's been a useful proving ground for new weapons sytems, a right-shoulder-patch career enhancer for lifer military types, and a boon to defense contractors.

      So try to look on the bright side, okay?

      1. elviouslyqueer

        and a boon to defense contractors who spent quality time spending shit-tons of taxpayer munnies perfecting the art of siphoning vodka out of their asscracks.

        There. Clarified that for ya.

        1. Rotundo_

          Yes, American mercenaries siphon vodka out of each others' asscracks with complete superiority over their european counterparts. We demand the best and dammit we get it!

      2. Dashboard_Jesus

        thanks for that brilliant/ concise summary, I was starting to get just a little discouraged but now I'm righteously pissed off, AGAIN!

    1. inedal

      yes, stox up because there's big money in Weapons! plus the Halliburton huge no-bid contracts… yep it sure does help to have

  3. OC_Surf_Serf

    Dear Britain,

    We will be joining you soon in the Washed-up Empire Clubbe


    A Sad America

    1. deanbooth

      Britain isn't so bad. …except for the teeth. Should I worry about what will happen to my teeth when the Empire is lost?

      1. Negropolis

        You'll have more important things to worry about than that. Like, probably basic food and shelter. Dental health will seem like a distant luxury.

    2. magnetite

      Dear America,

      It's not so bad when you get used to it. Here's your regulation issue pipe and slippers, by the way. If you need us we'll be getting drunk in the shed and watching the garden fall into ruin through the window we can't be bothered to clean any more. If you hear something that sounds like inconsolable sobbing coming from inside, just ignore it.


      A Broken Britain

        1. magnetite

          One of the few good things a pitiful flabby deadbeat dad can do for the son who who had fought so hard not to become his pitiful flabby deadbeat dad is console said son when he realises that he has become his pitiful flabby deadbeat dad.

          Now how about some more of that Lend-lease action, son? You know I'm good for it.

  4. SmutBoffin

    Don't forget how The Troops (TM) are bravely defending our freedoms here, somehow! Now, sing it with me!


    1. SorosBot

      No Twilight before 9/11either; as Ken mentions we actually had good stories involving vampire/human romance back then.

    1. ManchuCandidate

      I await the remake of First Blood starring Zach Effron as disillusioned vet John Rambo and Phillip Seymour Hoffman as the Sheriff who beats on the vet till he snaps and goes on a rampage with an M-60… IN 3D!!!!

    2. elviouslyqueer

      Of course. Odetta, Judy Collins, and Janis Joplin all pale in comparison to Lady Gaga and Justin Beiber.

  5. memzilla

    Afghanistan has oil and natural gas reserves, a trillion dollars in rare earths, and provides a shortcut for an oil pipeline. Geez, let's just be honest about it, 'k?

    1. V572625694

      Funny how it never seems to work out for the consumer though. Remember how Iraqi oil was going to pay for the war?

    2. bitchincamaro2

      True, but let's not forget that as food stamps are a subsidy to farmers, war is a subsidy to US America's biggest and best industry–arms makers. Despite that, America-hating guerilla fighters and insurgents around the world prefer the Russian AK-47 to the M-16. (Didn't mean to conjure the ghost of you-know-who, here).

      1. GunToting[Redacted]

        They may not be as advanced/accurate as the M-16/M-4, but you can pack an AK full of wet mud, slam home a magazine and shoot the wimmens and childrens lickety-split. Besides, there are metric tons of old Russki/satellite country 7.62 x 39 ammo floating around.

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      I agree, and am glad to see Ken's righteous anger matches my own, and I'm STILL drinkin'!

  6. memzilla

    This is the cousin of the alternate strategy we proposed for Vietnam. For what we spent on that war, we could have paved the entire country, given everyone a Cadillac, let them kill each other in collisions, and gotten as a high a body count as we did.

  7. bitchincamaro2

    If Gizmodo doesn't link to this post, I'm boycotting their asses as soon as I finish boycotting them for the new format clusterfuck and the earlier password hyjackery.

    1. vodkamuppet

      Nick Denton can hear you and will take away your star if you talk shit about the redesign.

  8. CliveWarren

    "That is where 9/11 began, that’s where the plan was made.”

    Silly Dave… Everybody knows 9/11 began in iRaq.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      So, why aren't we still fighting the Japanese?
      So, why aren't we still fighting the Germans?
      So, why aren't we still fighting the British?

      After all, all these countries made and executed plans to attack the U.S.

  9. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    People said the same stuff during World War II, but look at Japan today: it is a smoldering pile of rubble that poses no threat to us what-so-ever. We can only hope for such a legacy in Afghanistan.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      If the war in Afghanistan were a person, Martin Harty would have sent it off to Siberia by now.

    2. OneDollarJuana

      "If the war in Afghanistan were a person, it would be"

      Sarah Palin. Constantly failing, but never-ending.

  10. horsedreamer_1

    The chunky font on that first-gen IPOD has me flashing back to writing papers in high-school on ClarisWorks. (Do you remember?) & recalling that, it's a wonder Apple ever managed to develop a rep for its design magnificence, its mastery of optics.

    What I mean: that is a horrible font. Worse even than Comic Sans.

  11. Terry

    "That is where 9/11 began, that’s where the plan was made."

    …but the people who were behind the attack are long gone, now hiding out in a rural area of one of our ally countries or perhaps sipping mai tais on a south Pacific isle.

    1. outragedcitizen

      The head man for 9/11 as well as most of the guys that carried it out were from Saudi Arabia, but they have more oil then Afghanistan so it became the target of our wrath.

  12. pinkocommi

    Having started two land wars in Asia, the USA should now mess with two Sicilians when death is on the line.

    1. mereoblivion

      Funny you should go invoking P_bride, our zoo just brought in a pair of Sicilian donkeys. Damn, but they're cute! So the minute they arrive, one of them looks around: "Nice little zoo you got here, I'd hate to see . . ."

  13. edgydrifter

    I've never used an iPod, iPad or i-anything. I have no pages on Facebook or MySpace. I have never twitted.

    I think this means that A) I'm a Luddite, and B) Afghanistan is not my fucking fault.

    1. widestanceroman

      It definitely means you get an upfist. I also do not Face, Space, Twit or Link, and will refuse to do so until the guards force me.

    2. crybabyboehner

      There was a report the other day that Washington DC is the Twitter Capitol of the World. That tells you all you need to know about that shit.

  14. genxr

    Almost as much progress as we made in 10 years in Vietnam. Remember, we had them on the ropes. On the ropes!

  15. Progressiveinga

    According to Jon Bon Jovi, that's the thing that killed the music business. He gives technology a bad name.

      1. BarryOPotter

        Agreed. Shitty music and a bad case of mass Stockholm syndrome among those "in the biz" made it possible for a business model that gave more power to the consumer to succeed. I think it was Keith Richards who once told me "why buy the cow [entire album] when you can get the milk [single track] for free [$0.99]?" OK, maybe it wasn't Keef…

  16. donner_froh

    We are supporting the most corrupt government we can find, bombing wedding parties and family reunions and sending young men and women into a meatgrinder that has defeated every invader since Alexander the Great.

    Time to get real about this. Give it another ten years and if it isn't working by then, try something else.

    1. Ken Layne

      Oh and we're simultaneously killing the family members of the corrupt government we're supporting. It's like one of those "mash-ups," of The Godfather and The Three Stooges.

      1. donner_froh

        Or as the "Guardian" put it:

        A furious row between NATO-led forces and the Afghan president over the killing of civilians looks set to turn into a full-blown crisis after an elderly cousin of Hamid Karzai was killed during a botched NATO operation.


        1. BarryOPotter

          Was the cousin a secret Sicilian by chance? Cause all that's missing from this potent brew of freedumb is some secret Sicilian sauce… Did Don Patraeus call Karzai with a scarf over the phone: "Nice family you have here, Hamid. Be a shame if…"

      2. Dashboard_Jesus

        personally that's ONE thing I don't mind my precious tax $$$ paying for in this insane military-industrial orgy (it's all those many thousands of women and little kids- oh and the menfolk too- being killed by 'predator' drones that has me grinding my teeth into nubs!)

  17. OC_Surf_Serf

    10 years to teach Afghan troops to defend themselves.

    We aren't very good at that either, are we?

  18. HempDogbane

    "And the most angry and desperate of these people will keep trying and occasionally succeed at bombing and otherwise murdering Americans in whatever possible way for rest of our lives."

    This is why we need Gen. Petraeus there, keeping us safe here, and for the freedom. And why he must not be mocked. I wonder what's on his iTunes playlist.

  19. SayItWithWookies

    On the bright side, imagine how fucked we'd be if we'd invaded half the countries the neocons have been yelling about invading for the past ten years.

    1. Andrew Drinker

      And just think of the other foreign policy warm'n'fuzzy moments we would have had with the neocon philosophy, leading to MOAR WARS with MOAR COUNTRIES without even having to invade them first!

      Case in point: both George W. Bush and Sarah Palin wanted the Republic of Georgia to join NATO. Russia attacked South Ossetia in 2008. Ergo, we would currently be in a war via NATO with Russia! Awesome!

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      "Neocon." Now there's word you don't see much anymore, like "8-track player," "mood ring," or "laserdisc."

      1. SayItWithWookies

        It's not gone forever — horrible terms such as neocon and Gingrich always have a way of rising up out of the cultural grave to haunt again.

        1. Ken Layne

          I was thinking about the lost art form of "anti-Bush hip hop" today, for real! All that came to mind was The Coup, Immortal Technique and that one Eminem song with the video showing Cheney hiding behind the puppet of Bin Laden. Good times!

          Also, nothing has changed, fundamentally, since then. Just less anti-Bush hip hop.

          1. SayItWithWookies

            Hey, maybe Rock against Reagan will make a comeback. That was the July 4th alt-fest on the Mall every year — those were loads of fun, and I believe I saw Fugazi at some of those, but it was a while ago.

    3. Chicken Beaver

      It's as if we were just about to invade Libya or Iran, and we were just about to ship out, all the troops in the back of the station wagon — and the corporate credit card got declined.

      I mean we can't even do a goddamn thing with all that shootin' on the Mexican border — It ain't like we have to drive somewhere for that one! They're next door!

    4. elviouslyqueer

      Oooh, Wooks, you're going to get a STRONGLY worded memo from John Bolton about this.

  20. Weenus299

    So build a nukular reactor there, wait just forty more years, then dig a huge trench all the way up from Bangladesh, so that when a tsunami comes it floods everything and shorts all the generators and things overheat, fall apart, whatever.

    USA. USA. USA. Go America, Because We Can. USA. USA. USA.

    1. mourningnmerica

      The good news is that we the troops will be coming home soon. The currency should fail in the next 12 months or so, then there won't be any money for any of this shit. Of course, we'll also be reduced to scavenging the carcasses of starved seniors, but hey, you gotta look on the bright side.

  21. V572625694

    Wait a minute — was it the Taliban who attacked us, or was it Al Qaeueda? Didn't CIA Director Panetta say there's only about 50 AQ left in A'stan? I'm confused, and I don't think it's an accident.

  22. BaldarTFlagass

    the Afghan government was unable to take over the civilian aid projects that are being undertaken by the U.S. and the international community

    If by "government" you mean "group of high-stakes grifters we put in charge whose sole purpose in life is to milk as much money as they can out of the foreign aid cash cow that has been in place for nearly a decade, until we and the Euros get tired of the scam, throw up our hands in disgust, and leave them to their own devices," then yeah, government.

    I only hope that the Taliban appreciate the good job I did in getting their air bases and army garrisons built when they re-take the country.

    This is where you say "Thank you for your service, Baldar."

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Meh, it works. I spent 5 years cleaning up environmental nightmares at Incirlik AB in Turkey, too.

    1. GeneralLerong

      And the pikers didn't even give ya a damned medal, huh? Will a virtual high five help?

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Yeah that'll work. I did get some kind of medal or citation or something put in my personnel file for Service in the Global War on Terror. But I got all that patriotism stuff out of my system during my hitch as a kid, this time around it was for the filthy lucre only. And pay well it did.

  23. Mumbletypeg

    In 2001 I was fretting over the demise of suck.com which got me through many a dull lull between research tasks and supporting edit gigs.
    Not unlike what I'm doing now. (And the world still sucks).

    1. V572625694

      You realize of course that Original Wonkette Ana Marie Cox was a Suck.com editor/writer, right? It all comes together, you see…

      1. Mumbletypeg

        Ken, relief! some good news I'll surely check out.
        >V572625694 — aha, how to describe when I first made that connection? It rang psychic cherries (w/ apologies to DF Wallace..)

  24. Gopherit

    That he can make this sound like glorious victory on the march only makes me hope harder that he'll get hit by an IED before his service is up…..and that he'll have to deal with the shitstorm that is the VA.

    Hell, at least the poppy fields are all still healthy. Heroin for everyone.

  25. V572625694

    Rambo's the key all right: after we give up and go home, we'll quickly start making movies about how we really won the war but were betrayed by…guess who?

    Somebody call Richard Crenna's agent!

  26. Doktor Zoom

    "Why don't we just buy the damned country and be done with it?"

    Well, after all, we broke it, don't ya know.

  27. sezme

    Correction: it wasn't an accomplishment to breed many new America-haters. Everyone already hated America. The accomplishment was destroying any possible sympathy for America that might have existed following 9/11.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      An English friend said as much to me. "You had us all on your side, and Bush blew it for you. " Can you imagine how the world would have viewed us if the legitimate winner, Al Gore, had been POTUS? How many people has Sandra Day O'Connor, the swing vote who appointed Bush, killed?

      I fucking hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, Republics. (They call us the Democrat party, so back at them.)

  28. cheaphits

    I may have had some issues with the post below this, but I am 100% on board with this one. End the stupid, hateful, racist. wasteful, pointless war today!

  29. DownFist Troll

    Can't we just leave? Declare victory and go? C'mon sarah palin did it for chrissakes.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      That's what I always said about the Viet Nam war and lookee here, we leave and twenty years later announced victory and kissed the butt of all the kids we sent over there to fight that people like me called Babykillers when they got back.

      Hey, ask me about the frat boy I scared shitless at a senate debate at OSU after the punk called me a baby killer (in the abortion sense. He didn't mistake me for a vet nor did he look like he was in a modern version of the SDS). When I was done with him, a friend of mine went over to the shocked youth and said, "Son, you're just lucky she didn't kick your ass."

      1. Ms Nippon Quasimodo

        You go, girl! I grew up in the Dallas TX area. I know what you go through in OK. (4 days late to comment, sorry).

    2. Jerri

      I have to admit that I am shocked nobody has tried to pull this one off yet. I thought for sure that was going to be the "exit strategy."

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Very early this morning while I was here getting all the overnight snark buildup out of my system, my p-ness size increased from 108 to 109 even as the troll was following me around downfisting all my new comments! Talk about an exercise in futility. Ha Ha!

  30. fartknocker

    I wonder wear they are going to hang the "Mission Accomplished" banner in George's new library at SMU?

    1. DustBowlBlues

      I hope they put his little flight jacket with it. He was always so cute, parading around in a size too small leather jacket and pretending he'd ever done anything in the war except for apprearing in the obscure war movie, "Full Dinner Jacket."

      1. V572625694

        I went to the LBJ Library in Austin once, and that's where the political cartoons were displayed.

  31. arihaya

    Americans cannot even differentiate between Sikhs and Muslims,, let alone between Afghan civilians or Talibans

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Hell, they can barely tell the difference between Pepsi and Coke in a blind taste test.

    2. Chillwaver

      Wait…are you meaning to tell me that there is a difference between Al Jazeera and Al Qaeda?

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        I think I already posted about the Security Forces major at Al-Udeid Air Base in Qatar that didn't know the difference between Libya and Lebanon. *eyeroll*

  32. bumfug

    "That is where 9/11 began, that’s where the plan was made.”

    "And even though the guys who made and carried out that plan aren't around anymore, we're duty-bound to kill the poor motherfuckers who are there, because."
    Eat my balls, Petraeus.

  33. SaintRond

    It's just like trying to watch a monkey attempting to fuck a football. At first it's funny, then the frustration sets in and then pretty soon it just becomes completely intolerable.

  34. hagajim

    “We have been at this fingerfucked ourselves for 10 years. We have spent thrown away an enormous amount of money, we have sustained very tough losses wasted lives and absorbed many life changing wounds. … But I think it is important to remember why we are there. That is where 9/11 began, that’s where the plan was made. Because we're too stupid to learn from history.”

    There – fixed.

    1. BarryOPotter

      Because we're too stupid to learn from history.

      I remember yelling at the "pundits" on TV, and the occasional family member, claiming that we didn't know what to expect in Afghanistan – "What!?! Our greatest victory against the Soviet Union was fought in Afghanistan in the 1980s, you fucking fucks!" And the Soviet general who told us: "Get ready to have your asses handed to you." I wouldn't be surprised in the least if it turns out Putin and his old cronies are doing to us what we did to them! Charlie Wilson=>Vladimir Putin

      Yeah, if it weren't for my frequent distributions of f-bombs, I'd be considered a complete gentleman.

  35. DustBowlBlues

    Shit. By the time I read this one, comments had tripled. Here's what I have to say, and what I think Democrats should start demanding the Republithugs and pro-war Dems pay for this fucker. Think of it: If something is worth sending American men and women to die for, (don't include the Afghans because, you know, shit only counts if it happens to Americans) isn't it worthy paying for? And if they're not going to pay for it (maybe by slapping a giant fee on anyone caught with a Support out troops magnetic ribbon on their gas guzzler?) then stop it.

    This is longer than we were in Viet Nam, right? After the French had the brains to get out of there? Pull the fucking plug on this fucking, endless war.

    1. bitchincamaro2

      Two relevent quotes fromt the late Senator Fulbright:

      “The biggest lesson I learned from Vietnam is not to trust [our own] government statements. I had no idea until then that you could not rely on [them].”

      “There has been a strong tradition in this country that it is not the function of the military to educate the public on political issues.”

      1. DustBowlBlues

        Decision making was put into the hands of civilians, thanks to the constitution that the teatards and Hatriots like to talk about all the time, I'm assuming on the assumption that the civil side would make more rational, informed decisions. I'm sure it worked in 1790 better than it does now.

    2. SorosBot

      Bob Dylan's just announced that he'll be performing in Vietnam for the first time, so maybe in another 40 years Justin Bieber will be able to perform in Afghanistan (damn popular music has gotten sucky these past ten years; Jon Bon Jovi was right).

  36. mereoblivion

    Buffy didn't get shoved over to WB till her sixth season. But since all Buffy references are automatically splendid, thank you.

  37. ttommyunger

    9-11? Oh yeah, thanks General, I almost fucking forgot. Now we know this little ass-kisser's anus is big enough to accommodate Rudy's hand along with General Dynamics, GE, Lockheed, and the rest of the Military-Industrial Complex…. Killing people, great accomplishment, General. Nobody ever did that before; what a guy!

  38. SorosBot

    We got that twenty-five years ago:

    I also remember cartoons based on Conan the Barbarian and Robocop; in the 80s and early 90s people made cartoons based on just about everything, no matter how inappropriate for kids or for adaptation (remember the Saturday morning adventures of Rubik the Amazing Cube?). That was when Americans made cartoons; now all the kids today have is dubs of crappy anime.

  39. gvvt

    It's like this. You crank the handle here on the side. Then hold this part up to your ear. When the woman on the other end (yes, Grandpa, it's Lizzie from over by town) says "Number, please," you tell her you want to ask General Betrayus to call in an air-strike on that noisy wedding down in the hollow near the south pasture.

  40. DustBowlBlues

    During the Viet Nam war, a friend of mine threw a fork at her dad at the dinner table and stormed out. There was a lot of that, but not all of it involving the flinging of flatware.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      When we were kids I stabbed my brother with a fork, thus presaging the Viet Nam war controversy.

  41. MistaEko

    Now heavily involved in a land war in Asia, General Petraeus has advised the committee that our troops one by one engage a Sicilian when death is on the line.

  42. ttommyunger

    I fully expect it. His only serious known fuck-up so far is the Tillman debacle, and he can blame McChrystal for that, or Rummie, if the shit really gets serious.

    1. Ken Layne

      I would say "never winning a fucking war" is a pretty big fuckup, too.

      We've had some "war heroes" elected president over the centuries, but have we ever had a general known for losing every war he touched with his tiny hands?

      Also, he keeled over in front of McCain a year or so back. That video will be played constantly, should he run. (Played constantly on Wonkette, I mean. The cable networks will just run montage loops of Petraeus saluting the moon or whatever, with that God bless the USA song on endless replay.)

      1. ttommyunger

        You may see tape of him saluting the moon, but the arrogant little cocksucker has never rendered a hand salute to his Commander-In-Chief and Barry for some reason never calls him on it. A Five-Star failed to give Truman the customary salute and found his ass cashiered shortly thereafter; not for that, but that was a fatal “tell”… No one in DC has a stomach for “winning”, any more; no money in it. Nukes are all paid for, ya know; choppers and bullets, notsomuch.

  43. SorosBot

    You know, I felt a little old when I realized there were now adults who don't remember the cold war, and the terror of global nuclear war in Reagan's America. Now, we've got a generation starting to enter their teens who've never known a time when America wasn't under the paranoid fear of terrorism (only if carried out by Muslims, of course).

    1. genxr

      Sometimes I feel like I'm standing on a street corner trying to hand out VHS copies of The Day After.

  44. GeneralLerong

    And we could make bank sellng heroin to the Russians. Why let corrupt Afghanis have all the fun?

    1. BarryOPotter

      That's some straight up gansta capitalizms that would make St. Ronnie smile down 'pon ya, Gen. Playa!

  45. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    My wife made the Christmas 2000 prediction that we needed to invest in oil companies and arms producers. Why was she so prescient?

  46. mourningnmerica

    We'll put a boot in their ass. And leave it in, and hop around on one leg for TEN FUCKING YEARS.

    1. genxr

      That bit of imagery describes our foreign policy perfectly. Also, we get angry and yell at anyone who suggests we stop hopping around looking like an idiot.

  47. V572625694

    That's some retro-hopeful reaching, there. But at least Gore wouldn't have had daddy issues to work out in Iraq first.

  48. DustBowlBlues

    Shit. The old man is coming home early and he's really sick, so that means slumping in a chair and commandeering the computer for some serious porn surfing.

    Hasta la vista, friends. (Or however you spell it. I'm not a Mexican.)

  49. V572625694

    I was born in 1949 and I haven't known a world in which we weren't up to our armpits in pointless foreign adventures either. We're an empire — this is what we do! USA! USA!

  50. jus_wonderin

    I used to love jogging with my Panasonic Reel to Reel. But damn, it was jarring when I got to the end of the extension cord.

  51. jus_wonderin

    Can we atleast give McCain credit for saying the wars would last generations? I mean, we are in 4G, right?

    1. [redacted]89048

      I was just given one nearly identical to the one pictured in January of this year. It plugs right in to a port in my car, and it beats any of the AM or FM offerings here in southern Nevada.

  52. MissTaken

    Do you all remember in the early 2000's when people still thought war was super-cool and sexy? We said macho things like "shock and awe" and "these colors don't run" and "never forget" without irony.

    God I wish I could just get amnesia for the whole of the aughts.

  53. James Michael Curley

    I thought it was a picture of some old white dude bending over in the shower. Gotta pick up those new glasses at Lens Crafters.

  54. aguacatero

    Come on, people. There will be plenty of time for second-guessing when the war is over.

  55. mercianomad

    Oceania has scored a tremendous victory over East Asia! Our front is advancing onward to victory!

  56. James Michael Curley

    We would be accused of war crimes if we made Sarah Palin the head of the Afghan government.

  57. V572625694

    Remember when General Pete testified in Congress the first time, and Moveon.org took out a big ad about "General Petreus or General Betray Us?" and everybody got so mad? He speaks Arabic! He's got a PhD! He wrote the Army Field Manual on counterinsurgency! Now we can't lose! Sully was ready to name him dictator for life!

    Ha ha ha ha ha…

  58. Eve8Apples

    "He acknowledged that the Afghan government was unable to take over the civilian aid projects that are being undertaken by the U.S. and the international community …."

    We could sure use a few civilian aid projects around here. Surely there are some high value targets overseas we could take out so we qualify for some of that civilian aid.

  59. Rosie_Scenario

    I noticed that a "troll" is following me. IntenseDebate e-mail and the follower's e-mail address looked troll-ish. Can one get rid of followers? I haven't checked Intense Debate site.

    1. neiltheblaze

      Is it "UnionsRStreetGangs" by any chance? That's his name this week. He changes his name as often as he changes his underwear – every two weeks or so.

  60. DahBoner

    Attention Mr. David Petraeus:

    Please contact the UPS Shipping Company Immediately To Avoid Dumourage.

  61. BarackMyWorld

    In fairness, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" was starting its 6th season and on UPN when 9/11 happened.

    1. Ken Layne

      Dangit. You are correct. I distinctly remember watching a Buffy season 5 (repeat) on WB just before it jumped to UPN, and that was the week 9/11 happened. I also watched Memento for the first and only time on 9/10/2001, in my office on DVD, alone with a bottle of wine, and then the next morning was 9/11 and I did NOT get enough sleep for a 9/11 on that day. Anyway, I have now looked up the annoying facts regarding Buffy moving to UPN and it happened on Oct. 2, 2001. And the invasion began officially on Oct. 7 (even though special forces had been there for a week or two), so YOU ARE CORRECT and I will fix the post and also this is why I quit watching television completely about six years ago, because of 9/11 or Afghanistan or "the Buffybot."

      1. Ms Nippon Quasimodo

        "Buffybot" would be a good ladyfriend for the Wonkbot. –Where is "he," anyways?

  62. aguacatero

    I don't care what the report card says, this war has been benefiting from some serious social promotion for many years now.

  63. El Pinche

    Never forget the The Duke . It too is a 9/11 baby and is alive and well . ….yes, I have big hands. And you know what that means.

  64. jonzin

    Miss me yet?

    When is it time to check into a cheap motor lodge off the interstate and hang oneself? We live in a country where Cheney/Bush was elected twice! Two motherfucking times!

    This makes me want to donkey punch somebody.

    1. mayor_quimby

      Ha ha, I was married and didn't even drink back then!
      Shitty times, shitty times, indeed.
      Somebody tell one of my hoes to clean my gun and bring me a drink!. (As if I can afford hoes in this economy)

    1. vodkamuppet

      It's a fantastic new device that enables you to watch 3 Asian chicks get seriously nasty whilst you ride the bus on your way to work! Also I think there's olde timey music on there, like Smashmouth or something.

  65. vodkamuppet

    I have a stupid question because I'm a big dumb poopyhead gay socialist fucking libtard: how the fuck do you define progress when you don't even have a clear stated objective? "We don't have any definable goals and have set a random, arbitrary date for when this endless money vampire we call the war on terror will end and we are making excellent progress at whatever the hell it is that we are doing. 9/11 or whatever." Huh? Can any of the teatard trolls that are Internet stalking me please explain this to me?

    1. genxr

      That's easy. You define progress by how loud you shout USA! USA! USA!

      Also when anyone asks an obvious question like this, you point and laugh.

    2. Ken Layne

      I dunno, but it always makes me think of Bill Murray blowing up the entire golf course to kill a gopher, so it wouldn't dig a small burrow in the turf.

      1. vodkamuppet

        Thanks Ken, now whenever I think of U.S. Foreign policy I will think of Caddy Shack. Now that I'm thinking about it, I'd vote for Rodney Dangerfield over MC Hope in a primary. "Take my Libya, please"

  66. Steverino247

    Pakistan won't help us get their resident AQ 9/11 planners (except for the show trial defendant (SKM) who will never go to trial because the GOP are afraid of him getting off due to his confessions being tortured from him) who got away because they get crazy Muslins to attack India in the deal. The only way to "win" such a war is to kill all the males, which we won't do. Obama can't order the troops home because he's a pussy who is afraid of being called "Soft on terror." No matter how well thought out the current plan might be, W fucked it up so badly all the armies everywhere couldn't win.

    Did I leave anything out?

    Get out now, assuming we still can, something I'm not sure we can do.

  67. neiltheblaze

    Didn't Petraeus have a former commanding officer who once called him an "ass-kissing chicken shit"?

  68. vodkamuppet

    I've been blackout drunk since I turned 15, what's this 9/11 thing? Is it a new kind of gun or something?

  69. lochnessmonster

    We should have never gone there. They should have taken a look at how long Russia was there and how they had to leave in utter failure. BUT, the powers that be can't help playing with their GI Joes though…

  70. owhatever

    You Wusses! Don't you realize that we have killed the Number Three al-Qaeda dude in Afghanistan at least a half-dozen times? That's progress. How can they continue without a Number Three man? Stay the course for another ten years.

  71. Negropolis

    Whew, it's good that Petty was able to slip in "9/11" right in the end. He might have lost the debate, if he hadn't.

    Remember, students, Afghanistan is the "right" war. Silly rabbits; we've always been at war with Central Asia…

  72. Negropolis

    Sure. Let's make it the 52nd state (Israel is the 51st). We shall rename her "Arizona, Jr." either that or Texastan or South Crazylina.

    1. magnetite

      Given her alleged mineral riches, may I respectfully suggest 49astan? Her state slogan could be "Pride in leaving no goid teeth unpried".

      I'm thinking Gabby Hayes for the flag.

  73. Negropolis

    BTW, when are we going to invade Saudi Arabia for 9/11? You know, the nation that perpetually provides the bulk of international terrorist engineers?

Comments are closed.