WAR ALL THE TIME  1:04 pm March 15, 2011

Petraeus Cites ‘Progress’ In Killing Taliban Guys For 10 Years Straight

by Ken Layne

We could just cold listen to the Strokes' 'Is This It' on the old-school iPad.War schlub David Petraeus did one of his “report cards to the Senate” things today, and he’s got good news! Despite never accomplishing* a single thing in 10 years of bloody, pointless, horrific boondoggle Central Asian warfare, “It is only recently that we have gotten the inputs right in Afghanistan.” Oh, now we get it! Afghanistan is like an old person trying to plug in an iPad. No, wait, the iPad wasn’t yet invented when we invaded Afghanistan. The iPhone? Nope. The Microsoft Zune? Ha ha, the Zune’s entire life has come and gone during just the second half (so far) of the Afghanistan occupation. Well how about an old-school iPod, with Grampa (who was much younger then!) just cold confused over that weird Apple firewire plug? No, sorry. The invasion of Afghanistan began on October 7, 2001 — the first clunky iPod went on sale several weeks later, on October 23.

The Los Angeles Times reports on this vulgar clown show:

[Petraeus] added, “There is no question that government capacity is an area of, in a sense, strategic risk.” He acknowledged that the Afghan government was unable to take over the civilian aid projects that are being undertaken by the U.S. and the international community …. Petraeus did not respond to Burgess’ argument that the tactical military gains have not undermined the Taliban as a fighting force.

McCain also asked the general about a new Washington Post-ABC News poll showing that nearly two-thirds of respondents now say the war in Afghanistan is no longer worth fighting, the highest proportion yet lacking confidence in the effort.

“I can understand the frustration,” Petraeus said. “We have been at this for 10 years. We have spent an enormous amount of money, we have sustained very tough losses and difficult, life changing wounds. … But I think it is important to remember why we are there. That is where 9/11 began, that’s where the plan was made.”

Oh right, 9/11 … thanks for the reminder, David. When was 9/11, anyway? It was a time before iPods, that much has been established. It was also a time long before Facebook or Twitter or Gawker or MySpace or Friendster. Buffy the Vampire Slayer had just left the “broadcast network” called “the WB” for another forgotten broadcast network called “UPN.” Today’s college freshmen were little children still leaving teeth under their pillow (so Osama bin Laden could leave them a Koran or a first-gen iPod).

Anyway, progress is being made, even though Petraeus says whatever make-believe gains are “fragile and reversible.” Also, despite constantly killing “the Taliban” (poor Afgan guys who’ve watched their country be bombed by the United States for an entire decade), “the Taliban” continue to fight! How does that work? Islamic magic, probably. (“Sharia.”) [Los Angeles Times]

* There has been an accomplishment, of sorts: Several invasions and many horrific torture revelations and “Camp X-Ray” and military tribunals and an entire decade of constant bombing of poor Muslims in Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iraq, Yemen, Somalia and probably a lot of other countries has created an entire generation of hundreds of millions of people, perhaps even billions, who hate America and will always hate America, because America is evil. And the most angry and desperate of these people will keep trying and occasionally succeed at bombing and otherwise murdering Americans in whatever possible way for rest of our lives.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 256 comments }

Lascauxcaveman March 15, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Well, how long were the Russkies there? Have we beat their record yet?

YOU-ESS-AAY! YOU-ESS-AAY! YOU-ESS-AAY!

Andrew Drinker March 15, 2011 at 1:16 pm

They might have done better if we weren't arming Osama bin Laden then!

Wow, the Mujahideen sure act a lot different than they did in The Living Daylights!

Mahousu March 15, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Yep. They only lasted a little over 9 years (December, 1979 – February, 1989). We're already several months past that.

Of course, they lost a whole lot more troops (something like 15,000). Not much hope of catching that record. But we're trying, it seems.

ManchuCandidate March 15, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Afghaninam might not have been the ginormous clusterfuck it is today but for some overbred nitwit Texan with a Hahvahd MBA decided to divert important resources like Marine Regiments, Ranger Companies and SF Groups to a more futile exercise in US America Freedumbz, Iraqinam.

genxr March 15, 2011 at 1:20 pm

When you say "overbred nitwit Texan" and Afghanistan in the same context, I think Charlie Wilson.

ManchuCandidate March 15, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Yes and no. He actually wanted to lay off inserting religoid bullshit and spend money on rebuilding the place, too unlike other folks who simply washed their hands of the whole mess.

V572625694 March 15, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Nah, it still woulda been a monstrous clusterfuck. But on the other hand it's been a useful proving ground for new weapons sytems, a right-shoulder-patch career enhancer for lifer military types, and a boon to defense contractors.

So try to look on the bright side, okay?

elviouslyqueer March 15, 2011 at 1:52 pm

and a boon to defense contractors who spent quality time spending shit-tons of taxpayer munnies perfecting the art of siphoning vodka out of their asscracks.

There. Clarified that for ya.

jus_wonderin March 15, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Partay!!!

the_onceler March 15, 2011 at 4:28 pm

in America, when is it not a boon for defense contractors?

Rotundo_ March 15, 2011 at 6:35 pm

Yes, American mercenaries siphon vodka out of each others' asscracks with complete superiority over their european counterparts. We demand the best and dammit we get it!

Dashboard_Jesus March 16, 2011 at 12:35 am

thanks for that brilliant/ concise summary, I was starting to get just a little discouraged but now I'm righteously pissed off, AGAIN!

zhubajie March 15, 2011 at 10:56 pm

He had a lot of help from people too vain to admit they'd made a mistake.

Radioactive March 15, 2011 at 1:10 pm

He also made note of how well the stock market has done too.

inedal March 15, 2011 at 1:49 pm

yes, stox up because there's big money in Weapons! plus the Halliburton huge no-bid contracts… yep it sure does help to have
contacts.

OC_Surf_Serf March 15, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Dear Britain,

We will be joining you soon in the Washed-up Empire Clubbe

Thanx,

A Sad America

deanbooth March 15, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Britain isn't so bad. …except for the teeth. Should I worry about what will happen to my teeth when the Empire is lost?

Negropolis March 16, 2011 at 12:19 am

You'll have more important things to worry about than that. Like, probably basic food and shelter. Dental health will seem like a distant luxury.

magnetite March 16, 2011 at 12:31 am

Dear America,

It's not so bad when you get used to it. Here's your regulation issue pipe and slippers, by the way. If you need us we'll be getting drunk in the shed and watching the garden fall into ruin through the window we can't be bothered to clean any more. If you hear something that sounds like inconsolable sobbing coming from inside, just ignore it.

Felicitations,

A Broken Britain

Dashboard_Jesus March 16, 2011 at 12:37 am

thanks for the encouraging words of support, good thing I'm already drinkin'

magnetite March 16, 2011 at 2:24 am

One of the few good things a pitiful flabby deadbeat dad can do for the son who who had fought so hard not to become his pitiful flabby deadbeat dad is console said son when he realises that he has become his pitiful flabby deadbeat dad.

Now how about some more of that Lend-lease action, son? You know I'm good for it.

SmutBoffin March 15, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Don't forget how The Troops (TM) are bravely defending our freedoms here, somehow! Now, sing it with me!

OHOOOOH SAY CAN U SEE
BY THE DAWNZER LEE LIGHT
WHUT SO PROUDLY WEE HALED
AT THE TWILIGHT'S LAST SCREENING…

ManchuCandidate March 15, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Oh US America, you so fine, you so fine you blow my mind, US America!

SorosBot March 15, 2011 at 1:56 pm

No Twilight before 9/11either; as Ken mentions we actually had good stories involving vampire/human romance back then.

jus_wonderin March 15, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Twilight? Team Edward or Team Jacob?

ManchuCandidate March 15, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Team Death!

SmutBoffin March 15, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Team Predator Drone!

Rotundo_ March 15, 2011 at 6:37 pm

ANNA RAWKUS RED GLARE BUNCHA BOMBS INNEEE AIR!

OC_Surf_Serf March 15, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Zune?

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 15, 2011 at 1:14 pm

But surely we have gotten some good movies and music out of this.

ManchuCandidate March 15, 2011 at 1:16 pm

I await the remake of First Blood starring Zach Effron as disillusioned vet John Rambo and Phillip Seymour Hoffman as the Sheriff who beats on the vet till he snaps and goes on a rampage with an M-60… IN 3D!!!!

SmutBoffin March 15, 2011 at 1:20 pm

This is for the Steven Spielbergs of the future to decide.

elviouslyqueer March 15, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Of course. Odetta, Judy Collins, and Janis Joplin all pale in comparison to Lady Gaga and Justin Beiber.

HempDogbane March 15, 2011 at 2:16 pm
ifthethunderdontgetya March 15, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Shorter David Petraeus: Bush's 3rd term going just as well as one would expect.
~

memzilla March 15, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Afghanistan has oil and natural gas reserves, a trillion dollars in rare earths, and provides a shortcut for an oil pipeline. Geez, let's just be honest about it, 'k?

V572625694 March 15, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Funny how it never seems to work out for the consumer though. Remember how Iraqi oil was going to pay for the war?

Boredw/Gravitas March 15, 2011 at 2:09 pm

I hope he's choking on them.

bitchincamaro2 March 15, 2011 at 1:33 pm

True, but let's not forget that as food stamps are a subsidy to farmers, war is a subsidy to US America's biggest and best industry–arms makers. Despite that, America-hating guerilla fighters and insurgents around the world prefer the Russian AK-47 to the M-16. (Didn't mean to conjure the ghost of you-know-who, here).

GunToting[Redacted] March 15, 2011 at 3:08 pm

They may not be as advanced/accurate as the M-16/M-4, but you can pack an AK full of wet mud, slam home a magazine and shoot the wimmens and childrens lickety-split. Besides, there are metric tons of old Russki/satellite country 7.62 x 39 ammo floating around.

MoeDeLawn March 15, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Well put, Ken.

(Not just seeking p-ness here – I'm serious!)

sezme March 15, 2011 at 1:35 pm

One does not seek p-ness. P-ness seeks you.

jus_wonderin March 15, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Larry Craig likes the penis. Oh, that's not what you mean.

OneDollarJuana March 15, 2011 at 2:10 pm

That's what homophobes are afraid of.

Dashboard_Jesus March 16, 2011 at 12:41 am

I agree, and am glad to see Ken's righteous anger matches my own, and I'm STILL drinkin'!

memzilla March 15, 2011 at 1:18 pm

This is the cousin of the alternate strategy we proposed for Vietnam. For what we spent on that war, we could have paved the entire country, given everyone a Cadillac, let them kill each other in collisions, and gotten as a high a body count as we did.

bitchincamaro2 March 15, 2011 at 1:18 pm

If Gizmodo doesn't link to this post, I'm boycotting their asses as soon as I finish boycotting them for the new format clusterfuck and the earlier password hyjackery.

vodkamuppet March 15, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Nick Denton can hear you and will take away your star if you talk shit about the redesign.

Chicken Beaver March 15, 2011 at 1:18 pm

So are we (and have we always been) still at war with Talibania?

fuflans March 15, 2011 at 1:18 pm

also in 2001: john mccain was already really old and joey ramone died.

Andrew Drinker March 15, 2011 at 1:22 pm

John McCain has been already really old since he was a Whig.

Steverino247 March 15, 2011 at 4:13 pm

I want McCain sedated…

zhubajie March 15, 2011 at 10:58 pm

John Lee Hooker and Jorge Amado, too.

CliveWarren March 15, 2011 at 1:19 pm

"That is where 9/11 began, that’s where the plan was made.”

Silly Dave… Everybody knows 9/11 began in iRaq.

OneDollarJuana March 15, 2011 at 2:12 pm

So, why aren't we still fighting the Japanese?
So, why aren't we still fighting the Germans?
So, why aren't we still fighting the British?

After all, all these countries made and executed plans to attack the U.S.

Troubledog March 15, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Behold. My entry in Oldest Surviving iPod category.
http://tinypic.com/r/oiehra/7

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 15, 2011 at 1:20 pm

People said the same stuff during World War II, but look at Japan today: it is a smoldering pile of rubble that poses no threat to us what-so-ever. We can only hope for such a legacy in Afghanistan.

Extemporanus March 15, 2011 at 1:20 pm

If the war in Afghanistan were a person, it would be flunking 5th grade right now.

Andrew Drinker March 15, 2011 at 1:27 pm

The war in Afghanistan would have been a Rhodes Scholar by now, but it took on too many extracurricular activities, such as the war in Iraq.

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 15, 2011 at 1:36 pm

At least the boys would be.

Bonzos_Bed_Time March 15, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Ouch. That one left a mark…

Extemporanus March 15, 2011 at 1:55 pm

It gets better.

BaldarTFlagass March 15, 2011 at 1:52 pm

If the war in Afghanistan were a person, Martin Harty would have sent it off to Siberia by now.

Extemporanus March 15, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Afghanistan is the Tunguska of Central Asia Middle School.

OneDollarJuana March 15, 2011 at 2:13 pm

"If the war in Afghanistan were a person, it would be"

Sarah Palin. Constantly failing, but never-ending.

Beetagger March 15, 2011 at 5:16 pm

And we would blame the teacher's unions for it.

horsedreamer_1 March 15, 2011 at 1:20 pm

The chunky font on that first-gen IPOD has me flashing back to writing papers in high-school on ClarisWorks. (Do you remember?) & recalling that, it's a wonder Apple ever managed to develop a rep for its design magnificence, its mastery of optics.

What I mean: that is a horrible font. Worse even than Comic Sans.

prommie March 15, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Fontsnob!

Terry March 15, 2011 at 1:20 pm

"That is where 9/11 began, that’s where the plan was made."

…but the people who were behind the attack are long gone, now hiding out in a rural area of one of our ally countries or perhaps sipping mai tais on a south Pacific isle.

outragedcitizen March 15, 2011 at 4:43 pm

The head man for 9/11 as well as most of the guys that carried it out were from Saudi Arabia, but they have more oil then Afghanistan so it became the target of our wrath.

pinkocommi March 15, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Having started two land wars in Asia, the USA should now mess with two Sicilians when death is on the line.

mereoblivion March 15, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Funny you should go invoking P_bride, our zoo just brought in a pair of Sicilian donkeys. Damn, but they're cute! So the minute they arrive, one of them looks around: "Nice little zoo you got here, I'd hate to see . . ."

hilacious March 15, 2011 at 2:43 pm

*cue maniacal laughter*

edgydrifter March 15, 2011 at 1:21 pm

I've never used an iPod, iPad or i-anything. I have no pages on Facebook or MySpace. I have never twitted.

I think this means that A) I'm a Luddite, and B) Afghanistan is not my fucking fault.

widestanceroman March 15, 2011 at 1:34 pm

It definitely means you get an upfist. I also do not Face, Space, Twit or Link, and will refuse to do so until the guards force me.

bitchincamaro2 March 15, 2011 at 1:36 pm

So all your porn is on floppy disks?

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 15, 2011 at 1:37 pm

John McCain?

mereoblivion March 15, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Johannes Gutenburg?

Fukui_sanYesOta March 15, 2011 at 2:26 pm

The Venerable Bede?

crybabyboehner March 15, 2011 at 2:45 pm

There was a report the other day that Washington DC is the Twitter Capitol of the World. That tells you all you need to know about that shit.

genxr March 15, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Almost as much progress as we made in 10 years in Vietnam. Remember, we had them on the ropes. On the ropes!

Progressiveinga March 15, 2011 at 1:22 pm

According to Jon Bon Jovi, that's the thing that killed the music business. He gives technology a bad name.

SorosBot March 15, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Because of the iPod, music has been shot down, in a blaze of glory.

OneDollarJuana March 15, 2011 at 2:07 pm

I think Jon Bon Jovi's music had more to do with the death of the music bidness.

BarryOPotter March 15, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Agreed. Shitty music and a bad case of mass Stockholm syndrome among those "in the biz" made it possible for a business model that gave more power to the consumer to succeed. I think it was Keith Richards who once told me "why buy the cow [entire album] when you can get the milk [single track] for free [$0.99]?" OK, maybe it wasn't Keef…

Negropolis March 16, 2011 at 12:19 am

Zing!

Oh, you totally went ther.e

donner_froh March 15, 2011 at 1:22 pm

We are supporting the most corrupt government we can find, bombing wedding parties and family reunions and sending young men and women into a meatgrinder that has defeated every invader since Alexander the Great.

Time to get real about this. Give it another ten years and if it isn't working by then, try something else.

Ken Layne March 15, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Oh and we're simultaneously killing the family members of the corrupt government we're supporting. It's like one of those "mash-ups," of The Godfather and The Three Stooges.

donner_froh March 15, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Or as the "Guardian" put it:

A furious row between NATO-led forces and the Afghan president over the killing of civilians looks set to turn into a full-blown crisis after an elderly cousin of Hamid Karzai was killed during a botched NATO operation.

OOPS.

BarryOPotter March 15, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Was the cousin a secret Sicilian by chance? Cause all that's missing from this potent brew of freedumb is some secret Sicilian sauce… Did Don Patraeus call Karzai with a scarf over the phone: "Nice family you have here, Hamid. Be a shame if…"

Dashboard_Jesus March 16, 2011 at 12:48 am

personally that's ONE thing I don't mind my precious tax $$$ paying for in this insane military-industrial orgy (it's all those many thousands of women and little kids- oh and the menfolk too- being killed by 'predator' drones that has me grinding my teeth into nubs!)

OC_Surf_Serf March 15, 2011 at 1:23 pm

10 years to teach Afghan troops to defend themselves.

We aren't very good at that either, are we?

outragedcitizen March 15, 2011 at 4:45 pm

What's even sadder is we are training them to defend themselves against… well, themselves and they still can't get it right.

zhubajie March 15, 2011 at 11:04 pm

They defend themselves rather well. We just aren't smart enough to know when to quit.

HempDogbane March 15, 2011 at 1:23 pm

"And the most angry and desperate of these people will keep trying and occasionally succeed at bombing and otherwise murdering Americans in whatever possible way for rest of our lives."

This is why we need Gen. Petraeus there, keeping us safe here, and for the freedom. And why he must not be mocked. I wonder what's on his iTunes playlist.

bflrtsplk March 15, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Bonzo Goes to Bitburg

Ken Layne March 15, 2011 at 1:59 pm

I wonder what's on his iTunes playlist.

… a little tune by the Wonkette Family Singers called "Eat Shit and Die, Moron."

SayItWithWookies March 15, 2011 at 1:23 pm

On the bright side, imagine how fucked we'd be if we'd invaded half the countries the neocons have been yelling about invading for the past ten years.

Andrew Drinker March 15, 2011 at 1:31 pm

And just think of the other foreign policy warm'n'fuzzy moments we would have had with the neocon philosophy, leading to MOAR WARS with MOAR COUNTRIES without even having to invade them first!

Case in point: both George W. Bush and Sarah Palin wanted the Republic of Georgia to join NATO. Russia attacked South Ossetia in 2008. Ergo, we would currently be in a war via NATO with Russia! Awesome!

BaldarTFlagass March 15, 2011 at 1:40 pm

"Neocon." Now there's word you don't see much anymore, like "8-track player," "mood ring," or "laserdisc."

SayItWithWookies March 15, 2011 at 1:46 pm

It's not gone forever — horrible terms such as neocon and Gingrich always have a way of rising up out of the cultural grave to haunt again.

Ken Layne March 15, 2011 at 2:01 pm

I was thinking about the lost art form of "anti-Bush hip hop" today, for real! All that came to mind was The Coup, Immortal Technique and that one Eminem song with the video showing Cheney hiding behind the puppet of Bin Laden. Good times!

Also, nothing has changed, fundamentally, since then. Just less anti-Bush hip hop.

SayItWithWookies March 15, 2011 at 2:59 pm

Hey, maybe Rock against Reagan will make a comeback. That was the July 4th alt-fest on the Mall every year — those were loads of fun, and I believe I saw Fugazi at some of those, but it was a while ago.

Chicken Beaver March 15, 2011 at 2:00 pm

It's as if we were just about to invade Libya or Iran, and we were just about to ship out, all the troops in the back of the station wagon — and the corporate credit card got declined.

I mean we can't even do a goddamn thing with all that shootin' on the Mexican border — It ain't like we have to drive somewhere for that one! They're next door!

elviouslyqueer March 15, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Oooh, Wooks, you're going to get a STRONGLY worded memo from John Bolton about this.

WhatTheHeck March 15, 2011 at 2:31 pm

What country lies between Iraq and Afghanistan?

Bingo! We are in a waiting game.

zhubajie March 15, 2011 at 11:05 pm

In my almost 60 years, the US has attacked someone or other nearly every 2d year.

Weenus299 March 15, 2011 at 1:24 pm

So build a nukular reactor there, wait just forty more years, then dig a huge trench all the way up from Bangladesh, so that when a tsunami comes it floods everything and shorts all the generators and things overheat, fall apart, whatever.

USA. USA. USA. Go America, Because We Can. USA. USA. USA.

mourningnmerica March 15, 2011 at 2:29 pm

The good news is that we the troops will be coming home soon. The currency should fail in the next 12 months or so, then there won't be any money for any of this shit. Of course, we'll also be reduced to scavenging the carcasses of starved seniors, but hey, you gotta look on the bright side.

V572625694 March 15, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Wait a minute — was it the Taliban who attacked us, or was it Al Qaeueda? Didn't CIA Director Panetta say there's only about 50 AQ left in A'stan? I'm confused, and I don't think it's an accident.

mourningnmerica March 15, 2011 at 2:31 pm

It was the Unions that attacked America,under Saddam's direction. Duh.

Dashboard_Jesus March 16, 2011 at 1:12 am

perfect, that means the plan WORKED!

BaldarTFlagass March 15, 2011 at 1:25 pm

the Afghan government was unable to take over the civilian aid projects that are being undertaken by the U.S. and the international community

If by "government" you mean "group of high-stakes grifters we put in charge whose sole purpose in life is to milk as much money as they can out of the foreign aid cash cow that has been in place for nearly a decade, until we and the Euros get tired of the scam, throw up our hands in disgust, and leave them to their own devices," then yeah, government.

I only hope that the Taliban appreciate the good job I did in getting their air bases and army garrisons built when they re-take the country.

This is where you say "Thank you for your service, Baldar."

mereoblivion March 15, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Thank you for your dervish, Baldar. (Wait, that's Turkey . . . )

BaldarTFlagass March 15, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Meh, it works. I spent 5 years cleaning up environmental nightmares at Incirlik AB in Turkey, too.

GeneralLerong March 15, 2011 at 2:18 pm

And the pikers didn't even give ya a damned medal, huh? Will a virtual high five help?

BaldarTFlagass March 15, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Yeah that'll work. I did get some kind of medal or citation or something put in my personnel file for Service in the Global War on Terror. But I got all that patriotism stuff out of my system during my hitch as a kid, this time around it was for the filthy lucre only. And pay well it did.

zhubajie March 15, 2011 at 11:06 pm

A lot of the money goes to NGO salaries, pissing off the Afghans who actually do the work.

Mumbletypeg March 15, 2011 at 1:28 pm

In 2001 I was fretting over the demise of suck.com which got me through many a dull lull between research tasks and supporting edit gigs.
Not unlike what I'm doing now. (And the world still sucks).

Andrew Drinker March 15, 2011 at 1:40 pm

I'll have to look that one up on Excite or maybe AltaVista.

I wonder what's new on Napster…

Mumbletypeg March 15, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Ask Jeeves or Dogpile, natch.

SorosBot March 15, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Using Netscape Navigator, and while you're at it updating your Geocities page.

V572625694 March 15, 2011 at 1:54 pm

You realize of course that Original Wonkette Ana Marie Cox was a Suck.com editor/writer, right? It all comes together, you see…

Ken Layne March 15, 2011 at 2:10 pm

You should all go buy my very smart friend Heather Havrilesky's hilarious/tragic new memoir, Disaster Preparedness.

Heather might be best known to you slobs as "Polly Esther," the writer/protagonist of the beloved Suck.com comic "Filler."

Mumbletypeg March 15, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Ken, relief! some good news I'll surely check out.
>V572625694 — aha, how to describe when I first made that connection? It rang psychic cherries (w/ apologies to DF Wallace..)

mrblifil March 15, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Yeah she sucked a lot, I heard.

Gopherit March 15, 2011 at 1:28 pm

That he can make this sound like glorious victory on the march only makes me hope harder that he'll get hit by an IED before his service is up…..and that he'll have to deal with the shitstorm that is the VA.

Hell, at least the poppy fields are all still healthy. Heroin for everyone.

V572625694 March 15, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Rambo's the key all right: after we give up and go home, we'll quickly start making movies about how we really won the war but were betrayed by…guess who?

Somebody call Richard Crenna's agent!

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum March 15, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Running the cluster-fuck gamut from Afghanistan to Zune.

Doktor Zoom March 15, 2011 at 1:31 pm

"Why don't we just buy the damned country and be done with it?"

Well, after all, we broke it, don't ya know.

GuyClinch March 15, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Sadly, something tells me that Ken will have to re-run this column every year for many years to come, like the Actual Awesome Real Cranberry Business, but with more sad. http://wonkette.com/412410/wonkettes-actual-aweso

neiltheblaze March 15, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Did anyone ask him how many Friedman units it would take to wrap this sucker up?

V572625694 March 15, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Who the fuck downfisted you for this one? Is the pet troll out of his cage again?

fuflans March 15, 2011 at 1:36 pm

we're like time travelers only without the cool toys.

sezme March 15, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Correction: it wasn't an accomplishment to breed many new America-haters. Everyone already hated America. The accomplishment was destroying any possible sympathy for America that might have existed following 9/11.

V572625694 March 15, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Today we are all generals previously thought to be brilliant who now look like morons.

DustBowlBlues March 15, 2011 at 2:02 pm

An English friend said as much to me. "You had us all on your side, and Bush blew it for you. " Can you imagine how the world would have viewed us if the legitimate winner, Al Gore, had been POTUS? How many people has Sandra Day O'Connor, the swing vote who appointed Bush, killed?

I fucking hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, Republics. (They call us the Democrat party, so back at them.)

Mumbletypeg March 15, 2011 at 4:23 pm

For the Fists. You're wearin' mine out.

cheaphits March 15, 2011 at 1:38 pm

I may have had some issues with the post below this, but I am 100% on board with this one. End the stupid, hateful, racist. wasteful, pointless war today!

V572625694 March 15, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Karzai's even asked us to go!

DownFist Troll March 15, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Can't we just leave? Declare victory and go? C'mon sarah palin did it for chrissakes.

DustBowlBlues March 15, 2011 at 1:59 pm

That's what I always said about the Viet Nam war and lookee here, we leave and twenty years later announced victory and kissed the butt of all the kids we sent over there to fight that people like me called Babykillers when they got back.

Hey, ask me about the frat boy I scared shitless at a senate debate at OSU after the punk called me a baby killer (in the abortion sense. He didn't mistake me for a vet nor did he look like he was in a modern version of the SDS). When I was done with him, a friend of mine went over to the shocked youth and said, "Son, you're just lucky she didn't kick your ass."

Ms Nippon Quasimodo March 19, 2011 at 3:21 pm

You go, girl! I grew up in the Dallas TX area. I know what you go through in OK. (4 days late to comment, sorry).

Jerri March 15, 2011 at 2:15 pm

I have to admit that I am shocked nobody has tried to pull this one off yet. I thought for sure that was going to be the "exit strategy."

Crank_Tango March 15, 2011 at 1:40 pm

I came for the hash, I stayed for the opium pod tea. can I get that at trader joes?

Chillwaver March 15, 2011 at 1:41 pm

WTF is a "Zune"???

UPDATE: HI TROLL! How's that downfist thingy working out for ya'?

BaldarTFlagass March 15, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Very early this morning while I was here getting all the overnight snark buildup out of my system, my p-ness size increased from 108 to 109 even as the troll was following me around downfisting all my new comments! Talk about an exercise in futility. Ha Ha!

fartknocker March 15, 2011 at 1:42 pm

I wonder wear they are going to hang the "Mission Accomplished" banner in George's new library at SMU?

DustBowlBlues March 15, 2011 at 1:55 pm

I hope they put his little flight jacket with it. He was always so cute, parading around in a size too small leather jacket and pretending he'd ever done anything in the war except for apprearing in the obscure war movie, "Full Dinner Jacket."

elviouslyqueer March 15, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Right above urinal #3 in the men's restroom, obvs.

V572625694 March 15, 2011 at 2:32 pm

I went to the LBJ Library in Austin once, and that's where the political cartoons were displayed.

arihaya March 15, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Americans cannot even differentiate between Sikhs and Muslims,, let alone between Afghan civilians or Talibans

BaldarTFlagass March 15, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Hell, they can barely tell the difference between Pepsi and Coke in a blind taste test.

Chillwaver March 15, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Wait…are you meaning to tell me that there is a difference between Al Jazeera and Al Qaeda?

BaldarTFlagass March 15, 2011 at 2:16 pm

I think I already posted about the Security Forces major at Al-Udeid Air Base in Qatar that didn't know the difference between Libya and Lebanon. *eyeroll*

Chillwaver March 15, 2011 at 2:22 pm

That's easy – the Libyans are the ones that killed Dr.Brown in Back to the Future.

Bonzos_Bed_Time March 15, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Average response: They're all brown!

bumfug March 15, 2011 at 1:44 pm

"That is where 9/11 began, that’s where the plan was made.”

"And even though the guys who made and carried out that plan aren't around anymore, we're duty-bound to kill the poor motherfuckers who are there, because."
Eat my balls, Petraeus.

SaintRond March 15, 2011 at 1:48 pm

It's just like trying to watch a monkey attempting to fuck a football. At first it's funny, then the frustration sets in and then pretty soon it just becomes completely intolerable.

Fred_Wertham_Jr March 15, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Link please?

bitchincamaro2 March 15, 2011 at 1:48 pm

iAmerica. Designed in D.C., disassembled in AfPakIraq.

hagajim March 15, 2011 at 1:48 pm

“We have been at this fingerfucked ourselves for 10 years. We have spent thrown away an enormous amount of money, we have sustained very tough losses wasted lives and absorbed many life changing wounds. … But I think it is important to remember why we are there. That is where 9/11 began, that’s where the plan was made. Because we're too stupid to learn from history.”

There – fixed.

BarryOPotter March 15, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Because we're too stupid to learn from history.

I remember yelling at the "pundits" on TV, and the occasional family member, claiming that we didn't know what to expect in Afghanistan – "What!?! Our greatest victory against the Soviet Union was fought in Afghanistan in the 1980s, you fucking fucks!" And the Soviet general who told us: "Get ready to have your asses handed to you." I wouldn't be surprised in the least if it turns out Putin and his old cronies are doing to us what we did to them! Charlie Wilson=>Vladimir Putin

Yeah, if it weren't for my frequent distributions of f-bombs, I'd be considered a complete gentleman.

DustBowlBlues March 15, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Shit. By the time I read this one, comments had tripled. Here's what I have to say, and what I think Democrats should start demanding the Republithugs and pro-war Dems pay for this fucker. Think of it: If something is worth sending American men and women to die for, (don't include the Afghans because, you know, shit only counts if it happens to Americans) isn't it worthy paying for? And if they're not going to pay for it (maybe by slapping a giant fee on anyone caught with a Support out troops magnetic ribbon on their gas guzzler?) then stop it.

This is longer than we were in Viet Nam, right? After the French had the brains to get out of there? Pull the fucking plug on this fucking, endless war.

bitchincamaro2 March 15, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Two relevent quotes fromt the late Senator Fulbright:

“The biggest lesson I learned from Vietnam is not to trust [our own] government statements. I had no idea until then that you could not rely on [them].”

“There has been a strong tradition in this country that it is not the function of the military to educate the public on political issues.”

DustBowlBlues March 15, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Decision making was put into the hands of civilians, thanks to the constitution that the teatards and Hatriots like to talk about all the time, I'm assuming on the assumption that the civil side would make more rational, informed decisions. I'm sure it worked in 1790 better than it does now.

SorosBot March 15, 2011 at 3:19 pm

Bob Dylan's just announced that he'll be performing in Vietnam for the first time, so maybe in another 40 years Justin Bieber will be able to perform in Afghanistan (damn popular music has gotten sucky these past ten years; Jon Bon Jovi was right).

mereoblivion March 15, 2011 at 1:54 pm

PISSANT ALERT:
Buffy didn't get shoved over to WB till her sixth season. But since all Buffy references are automatically splendid, thank you.

Ken Layne March 15, 2011 at 2:14 pm

WRONG YOU ARE MUCH.

Buffy moved from WB to UPN for the not-so-good Season Six and very bad Season Seven.

SorosBot March 15, 2011 at 2:16 pm

(whisper) i liked season six.

mereoblivion March 16, 2011 at 11:03 am

An idioto am I mucho. But I too liked seasons six and seven.

Negropolis March 16, 2011 at 9:31 pm

Geek-alert! Geek-alert!

Extemporanus March 15, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Raze to the Top

BaldarTFlagass March 15, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Obviously you've never seen a Muslim when there are no other Muslims around.

mavenmaven March 15, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Pashto Mix Tapes!

ttommyunger March 15, 2011 at 1:57 pm

9-11? Oh yeah, thanks General, I almost fucking forgot. Now we know this little ass-kisser's anus is big enough to accommodate Rudy's hand along with General Dynamics, GE, Lockheed, and the rest of the Military-Industrial Complex…. Killing people, great accomplishment, General. Nobody ever did that before; what a guy!

SorosBot March 15, 2011 at 2:01 pm

We got that twenty-five years ago:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0222619/

I also remember cartoons based on Conan the Barbarian and Robocop; in the 80s and early 90s people made cartoons based on just about everything, no matter how inappropriate for kids or for adaptation (remember the Saturday morning adventures of Rubik the Amazing Cube?). That was when Americans made cartoons; now all the kids today have is dubs of crappy anime.

gvvt March 15, 2011 at 2:03 pm

It's like this. You crank the handle here on the side. Then hold this part up to your ear. When the woman on the other end (yes, Grandpa, it's Lizzie from over by town) says "Number, please," you tell her you want to ask General Betrayus to call in an air-strike on that noisy wedding down in the hollow near the south pasture.

DustBowlBlues March 15, 2011 at 2:04 pm

During the Viet Nam war, a friend of mine threw a fork at her dad at the dinner table and stormed out. There was a lot of that, but not all of it involving the flinging of flatware.

OneDollarJuana March 15, 2011 at 2:17 pm

When we were kids I stabbed my brother with a fork, thus presaging the Viet Nam war controversy.

MistaEko March 15, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Now heavily involved in a land war in Asia, General Petraeus has advised the committee that our troops one by one engage a Sicilian when death is on the line.

aguacatero March 15, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Ha ha ha ha h

ttommyunger March 15, 2011 at 2:05 pm

I fully expect it. His only serious known fuck-up so far is the Tillman debacle, and he can blame McChrystal for that, or Rummie, if the shit really gets serious.

Ken Layne March 15, 2011 at 2:19 pm

I would say "never winning a fucking war" is a pretty big fuckup, too.

We've had some "war heroes" elected president over the centuries, but have we ever had a general known for losing every war he touched with his tiny hands?

Also, he keeled over in front of McCain a year or so back. That video will be played constantly, should he run. (Played constantly on Wonkette, I mean. The cable networks will just run montage loops of Petraeus saluting the moon or whatever, with that God bless the USA song on endless replay.)
http://wonkette.com/416010/john-mccain-nearly-bor

ttommyunger March 15, 2011 at 5:19 pm

You may see tape of him saluting the moon, but the arrogant little cocksucker has never rendered a hand salute to his Commander-In-Chief and Barry for some reason never calls him on it. A Five-Star failed to give Truman the customary salute and found his ass cashiered shortly thereafter; not for that, but that was a fatal “tell”… No one in DC has a stomach for “winning”, any more; no money in it. Nukes are all paid for, ya know; choppers and bullets, notsomuch.

SorosBot March 15, 2011 at 2:06 pm

You know, I felt a little old when I realized there were now adults who don't remember the cold war, and the terror of global nuclear war in Reagan's America. Now, we've got a generation starting to enter their teens who've never known a time when America wasn't under the paranoid fear of terrorism (only if carried out by Muslims, of course).

genxr March 15, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Sometimes I feel like I'm standing on a street corner trying to hand out VHS copies of The Day After.

GeneralLerong March 15, 2011 at 2:07 pm

And we could make bank sellng heroin to the Russians. Why let corrupt Afghanis have all the fun?

BarryOPotter March 15, 2011 at 4:33 pm

That's some straight up gansta capitalizms that would make St. Ronnie smile down 'pon ya, Gen. Playa!

mourningnmerica March 15, 2011 at 2:15 pm

This guy is our Baghdad Bob.

Bonzos_Bed_Time March 15, 2011 at 2:15 pm

My wife made the Christmas 2000 prediction that we needed to invest in oil companies and arms producers. Why was she so prescient?

Ken Layne March 15, 2011 at 11:47 pm

Is your wife … Dick Cheney?

Come here a minute March 15, 2011 at 2:15 pm

To be fair, a lot of those weddings never really should have happened.

mourningnmerica March 15, 2011 at 2:17 pm

We'll put a boot in their ass. And leave it in, and hop around on one leg for TEN FUCKING YEARS.

genxr March 15, 2011 at 3:29 pm

That bit of imagery describes our foreign policy perfectly. Also, we get angry and yell at anyone who suggests we stop hopping around looking like an idiot.

V572625694 March 15, 2011 at 2:26 pm

That's some retro-hopeful reaching, there. But at least Gore wouldn't have had daddy issues to work out in Iraq first.

forgracie March 15, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Not quite as bitchin' as my eight track.

DustBowlBlues March 15, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Shit. The old man is coming home early and he's really sick, so that means slumping in a chair and commandeering the computer for some serious porn surfing.

Hasta la vista, friends. (Or however you spell it. I'm not a Mexican.)

Ken Layne March 15, 2011 at 11:53 pm

You spelled "friends" right, don't worry!

V572625694 March 15, 2011 at 2:34 pm

I was born in 1949 and I haven't known a world in which we weren't up to our armpits in pointless foreign adventures either. We're an empire — this is what we do! USA! USA!

OneDollarJuana March 15, 2011 at 2:36 pm

Lusitania!

V572625694 March 15, 2011 at 2:40 pm

At sea! Not The Homeland! Not even our ship! Leave Germany ALONE!http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/RMS_Lusitania

bitchincamaro2 March 15, 2011 at 2:38 pm

*crickets*

crybabyboehner March 15, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Look at the bright side – it has been a golden decade for war profiteers!

jus_wonderin March 15, 2011 at 2:42 pm

I used to love jogging with my Panasonic Reel to Reel. But damn, it was jarring when I got to the end of the extension cord.

jus_wonderin March 15, 2011 at 2:45 pm

We could save some money buy handing out hornet's nests.

marinmaven March 15, 2011 at 2:50 pm

I guess if Charlie Sheen can redefine the word "winning" and Palin can redefine "qualified", Petreaus can redefine the word "progress".

jus_wonderin March 15, 2011 at 2:51 pm

This is the way language lives and evolves. Spoon!!

jus_wonderin March 15, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Can we atleast give McCain credit for saying the wars would last generations? I mean, we are in 4G, right?

PsycWench March 15, 2011 at 2:52 pm

My husband still has one. It cost as much as a washing machine when he bought it.

[redacted]89048 March 15, 2011 at 5:16 pm

I was just given one nearly identical to the one pictured in January of this year. It plugs right in to a port in my car, and it beats any of the AM or FM offerings here in southern Nevada.

MinAgain March 15, 2011 at 2:53 pm

And somewhere, the British and the Russians are laughing their asses off.

Troubledog March 15, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Just dying to get his hands on some of that No War Left Behind funding.

MissTaken March 15, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Do you all remember in the early 2000's when people still thought war was super-cool and sexy? We said macho things like "shock and awe" and "these colors don't run" and "never forget" without irony.

God I wish I could just get amnesia for the whole of the aughts.

James Michael Curley March 15, 2011 at 3:01 pm

I thought it was a picture of some old white dude bending over in the shower. Gotta pick up those new glasses at Lens Crafters.

aguacatero March 15, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Come on, people. There will be plenty of time for second-guessing when the war is over.

Guppy06 March 15, 2011 at 3:12 pm

I measure time by the AW (anno Wonkettus) calendar.

mercianomad March 15, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Oceania has scored a tremendous victory over East Asia! Our front is advancing onward to victory!

HateMachine March 15, 2011 at 3:32 pm

Inasmuch as we've studied history, yes.

James Michael Curley March 15, 2011 at 3:34 pm

We would be accused of war crimes if we made Sarah Palin the head of the Afghan government.

V572625694 March 15, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Remember when General Pete testified in Congress the first time, and Moveon.org took out a big ad about "General Petreus or General Betray Us?" and everybody got so mad? He speaks Arabic! He's got a PhD! He wrote the Army Field Manual on counterinsurgency! Now we can't lose! Sully was ready to name him dictator for life!

Ha ha ha ha ha…

Eve8Apples March 15, 2011 at 3:47 pm

"He acknowledged that the Afghan government was unable to take over the civilian aid projects that are being undertaken by the U.S. and the international community …."

We could sure use a few civilian aid projects around here. Surely there are some high value targets overseas we could take out so we qualify for some of that civilian aid.

Rosie_Scenario March 15, 2011 at 3:48 pm

I noticed that a "troll" is following me. IntenseDebate e-mail and the follower's e-mail address looked troll-ish. Can one get rid of followers? I haven't checked Intense Debate site.

neiltheblaze March 15, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Is it "UnionsRStreetGangs" by any chance? That's his name this week. He changes his name as often as he changes his underwear – every two weeks or so.

Rosie_Scenario March 15, 2011 at 4:41 pm

That's the one.

BarryOPotter March 15, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Yeah, I caught that too. Is there a cream to sooth the rash?

DahBoner March 15, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Attention Mr. David Petraeus:

Please contact the UPS Shipping Company Immediately To Avoid Dumourage.

BarackMyWorld March 15, 2011 at 4:00 pm

In fairness, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" was starting its 6th season and on UPN when 9/11 happened.

Ken Layne March 15, 2011 at 11:59 pm

Dangit. You are correct. I distinctly remember watching a Buffy season 5 (repeat) on WB just before it jumped to UPN, and that was the week 9/11 happened. I also watched Memento for the first and only time on 9/10/2001, in my office on DVD, alone with a bottle of wine, and then the next morning was 9/11 and I did NOT get enough sleep for a 9/11 on that day. Anyway, I have now looked up the annoying facts regarding Buffy moving to UPN and it happened on Oct. 2, 2001. And the invasion began officially on Oct. 7 (even though special forces had been there for a week or two), so YOU ARE CORRECT and I will fix the post and also this is why I quit watching television completely about six years ago, because of 9/11 or Afghanistan or "the Buffybot."

Ms Nippon Quasimodo March 19, 2011 at 3:27 pm

"Buffybot" would be a good ladyfriend for the Wonkbot. –Where is "he," anyways?

aguacatero March 15, 2011 at 4:16 pm

I don't care what the report card says, this war has been benefiting from some serious social promotion for many years now.

El Pinche March 15, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Never forget the The Duke . It too is a 9/11 baby and is alive and well . ….yes, I have big hands. And you know what that means.

jus_wonderin March 15, 2011 at 4:20 pm

Big Gloves??

Me clicky, clicky but no pic-y, pic-y

El Pinche March 15, 2011 at 5:46 pm
jonzin March 15, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Miss me yet?

When is it time to check into a cheap motor lodge off the interstate and hang oneself? We live in a country where Cheney/Bush was elected twice! Two motherfucking times!

This makes me want to donkey punch somebody.

jonzin March 15, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Same here! I was even married when the whole thing started.

mayor_quimby March 15, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Ha ha, I was married and didn't even drink back then!
Shitty times, shitty times, indeed.
Somebody tell one of my hoes to clean my gun and bring me a drink!. (As if I can afford hoes in this economy)

mrblifil March 15, 2011 at 4:31 pm

What is this "iPod" about which I have heard told?

vodkamuppet March 18, 2011 at 12:35 pm

It's a fantastic new device that enables you to watch 3 Asian chicks get seriously nasty whilst you ride the bus on your way to work! Also I think there's olde timey music on there, like Smashmouth or something.

vodkamuppet March 15, 2011 at 4:32 pm

I have a stupid question because I'm a big dumb poopyhead gay socialist fucking libtard: how the fuck do you define progress when you don't even have a clear stated objective? "We don't have any definable goals and have set a random, arbitrary date for when this endless money vampire we call the war on terror will end and we are making excellent progress at whatever the hell it is that we are doing. 9/11 or whatever." Huh? Can any of the teatard trolls that are Internet stalking me please explain this to me?

genxr March 15, 2011 at 6:13 pm

That's easy. You define progress by how loud you shout USA! USA! USA!

Also when anyone asks an obvious question like this, you point and laugh.

Ken Layne March 16, 2011 at 12:03 am

I dunno, but it always makes me think of Bill Murray blowing up the entire golf course to kill a gopher, so it wouldn't dig a small burrow in the turf.

vodkamuppet March 18, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Thanks Ken, now whenever I think of U.S. Foreign policy I will think of Caddy Shack. Now that I'm thinking about it, I'd vote for Rodney Dangerfield over MC Hope in a primary. "Take my Libya, please"

Steverino247 March 15, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Pakistan won't help us get their resident AQ 9/11 planners (except for the show trial defendant (SKM) who will never go to trial because the GOP are afraid of him getting off due to his confessions being tortured from him) who got away because they get crazy Muslins to attack India in the deal. The only way to "win" such a war is to kill all the males, which we won't do. Obama can't order the troops home because he's a pussy who is afraid of being called "Soft on terror." No matter how well thought out the current plan might be, W fucked it up so badly all the armies everywhere couldn't win.

Did I leave anything out?

Get out now, assuming we still can, something I'm not sure we can do.

the_onceler March 15, 2011 at 4:34 pm

or Thomas Friedman himself.

neiltheblaze March 15, 2011 at 4:41 pm

I think it's called "Why We Fight". I didn't see it – just heard about it.

neiltheblaze March 15, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Didn't Petraeus have a former commanding officer who once called him an "ass-kissing chicken shit"?

SorosBot March 15, 2011 at 4:49 pm

The shape of your paranoid
insane and antisemitic
rants are always
interesting

vodkamuppet March 15, 2011 at 5:05 pm

I've been blackout drunk since I turned 15, what's this 9/11 thing? Is it a new kind of gun or something?

lochnessmonster March 15, 2011 at 5:33 pm

We should have never gone there. They should have taken a look at how long Russia was there and how they had to leave in utter failure. BUT, the powers that be can't help playing with their GI Joes though…

owhatever March 15, 2011 at 7:54 pm

You Wusses! Don't you realize that we have killed the Number Three al-Qaeda dude in Afghanistan at least a half-dozen times? That's progress. How can they continue without a Number Three man? Stay the course for another ten years.

zhubajie March 15, 2011 at 10:56 pm

We probably could've hired to fight for us.

Negropolis March 16, 2011 at 12:14 am

Whew, it's good that Petty was able to slip in "9/11" right in the end. He might have lost the debate, if he hadn't.

Remember, students, Afghanistan is the "right" war. Silly rabbits; we've always been at war with Central Asia…

Negropolis March 16, 2011 at 12:20 am

Sure. Let's make it the 52nd state (Israel is the 51st). We shall rename her "Arizona, Jr." either that or Texastan or South Crazylina.

magnetite March 16, 2011 at 1:21 am

Given her alleged mineral riches, may I respectfully suggest 49astan? Her state slogan could be "Pride in leaving no goid teeth unpried".

I'm thinking Gabby Hayes for the flag.

Negropolis March 16, 2011 at 12:31 am

BTW, when are we going to invade Saudi Arabia for 9/11? You know, the nation that perpetually provides the bulk of international terrorist engineers?

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