VISIONS OF AMERICA  12:36 pm March 14, 2011

Feds Changing Bus Capacity Rules Because Americans Are So Fat

by Ken Layne

Wonkette operative “Allen E.” passes on this notice from the Federal Transit Administration about Americans being so fat now that the government standards for average passenger weight need to be “updated.” Because otherwise, the buses are going to fall apart under the strain of carrying today’s obese American:

SUMMARY: The Federal Transit Administration (FTA) is proposing to amend its bus testing regulation to more accurately reflect average passenger weights and actual transit vehicle loads. Specifically, FTA is proposing to change the average passenger weight from 150 lbs to 175 lbs. In addition, FTA is proposing to change the floor space occupied per standing passenger from 1.5 to 1.75 square feet, and updating the Structural Strength and Distortion test procedures.

 
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{ 74 comments }

nounverb911 March 14, 2011 at 12:43 pm

I'm waiting for airlines to start charging passengers by the pound. The fatter you are, the higher the fare.

Lascauxcaveman March 14, 2011 at 12:55 pm

That actually makes a lot of sense.

nounverb911 March 14, 2011 at 1:02 pm

New York Airways used to assign seats based on weight in their helicopters from the East Side to JFK.

Lascauxcaveman March 14, 2011 at 1:06 pm

And the commuter 9-passenger flights I used to take all the time in to Seattle often started with the pilot moving "large" people fore and aft, and side to side, for balance.

Oh, man, if looks could kill, I'd have seen a lot of dead young pilots.

Anyway, FedEx and all the other freight forwarders charge by the pound, why not the airlines?

jrients March 14, 2011 at 1:45 pm

I agree. I don't want to pay extra to lug my fatass around the skies, but it sure seems like the fair way to do things.

SorosBot March 14, 2011 at 2:16 pm

But you can bet the fat folks who got outraged at being charged for two seats if they couldn't actually fit in a single seat would through another hissy fit; one that could topple the plane.

FLcolts18fan March 14, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Good! I weigh 101# :)

Weenus299 March 14, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Fuck that, I'd never afford to fly again.

Sophist [teadacted] March 14, 2011 at 1:34 pm

I'm waiting for airlines to start using biodiesel engines that run on liposuctioned body fat. It's the perfect solution!

JustPixelz March 14, 2011 at 1:58 pm

A modest proposal indeed.

Sophist [teadacted] March 14, 2011 at 2:05 pm

No, after the introduction of those scanners that let some TSA highschool dropout count the wrinkles on your pink starfish, I don't think there's any modesty left in flying.

PublicLuxury March 14, 2011 at 12:46 pm

The extra twenty-five pounds is the weight of their 4 litre bottle of corn syrup and their take out order from Golden Corral

mayor_quimby March 15, 2011 at 10:04 pm

Elitist!!!!
The common man knows you can't git no takeout from the goldurn buffet!

MinAgain March 14, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Maybe they should be walking, instead of riding the bus.

PublicLuxury March 14, 2011 at 12:48 pm

I like fat people. I don't like republicans.

Hopefully one is not a requirement for the other.

walstib March 14, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Holy crap, teh poors r FAT!

When r we gonna cum 2 r scences an mak teh fat poors walk lik reel Amuricans?

Dam librels, alwayz codlin teh poors 4 vots

Doktor[redacted] March 14, 2011 at 12:49 pm

The next step will be to license individual Fatass-Americans AS buses. From there, it's only a small step to giving them their own customized ZIP codes.

DaRooster March 14, 2011 at 1:08 pm

And moons in orbits.

elviouslyqueer March 14, 2011 at 1:37 pm

ZIP codes, hell. Try area codes (erm, no pun intended). They can start with 601, 662, 228, and 769.

CliveWarren March 14, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Make the short bus longer by adding more back-of-the-bus to the end of it…

GuyClinch March 14, 2011 at 12:51 pm

They need a box of some kind that you have to fit into before you're allowed onboard, like airports have for carry-ons. Maybe a coffin or something?

BaldarTFlagass March 14, 2011 at 12:56 pm

like airports have for carry-ons.

Those are merely decorative items, except on Lufthansa. If they still made steamer trunks, there'd be some selfish motherfucker trying to use one as a carry-on.

horsedreamer_1 March 14, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Fucking Germans! Nothing changes…

widestanceroman March 14, 2011 at 1:26 pm

The door itself should suffice, but we all know how slippery sweaty oafs can be. so many will simply take up everyone's time wedging themselves through.

Badonkadonkette March 14, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Well I was above average.

Sophist [teadacted] March 14, 2011 at 12:54 pm

In related news, Satan is installing a new fire-suppression system because all the mid-westerners he keeps throwing in the lake of burning sulfur are starting to cause uncontrollable grease fires.

nounverb911 March 14, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Which level of hell is Cleveland and the Cuyahoga River?

Sophist [teadacted] March 14, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Somewhere between the level for Unitarians and people who steal from the bank when they play Monopoly and the level for serial-killing cannibal tax-cheats.

el_donaldo March 14, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Today we are all Samoans.

BarryOPotter March 14, 2011 at 4:55 pm

…and some of us are Angry!

trampndirtdown March 14, 2011 at 10:55 pm

Thought you might like this artist http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bsfuJUhzeH8 .

GuyClinch March 14, 2011 at 1:10 pm

How else are you supposed to get to the casino?

Weenus299 March 14, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Somewhere, I wonder if there's a 50-pound woman willing to hook up with me so we can average 175 pounds.

horsedreamer_1 March 14, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Are you a Republican, &/or a Protestant minister crusading against the gay/other deviance in Louisiana? In that case, try the fourth grade.

Otherwise, the Karen Carpenter Fan Club.

Negropolis March 15, 2011 at 6:43 am

You must be short.

Weenus299 March 14, 2011 at 1:12 pm

I'm not fond of flying anyway. Lounging around in airports loaded with double gin/tonics, however, I would do all fucking day.

hagajim March 14, 2011 at 1:15 pm

Gives a whole new meaning to the term "mass" transit….I rode a bus once where someone had a mass movement.

mereoblivion March 14, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Yo mama so fat, the sign on the bus say . . .

Ken Layne March 14, 2011 at 1:22 pm

… she weighs, on average, 175 pounds.

#worstjokesindahood

horsedreamer_1 March 14, 2011 at 2:11 pm

#comeonson

Negropolis March 15, 2011 at 6:45 am

…does not compute.

…oh hell no.

…S.O.S.

BaldarTFlagass March 14, 2011 at 1:24 pm

"You're either on the bus, or you're off the bus"

Oh, yeah, OT but Kesey-related, RIP Owsley Stanley.

not that Dewey March 14, 2011 at 1:35 pm

: (

Owsley, can you hear me?

GuyClinch March 14, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Speaking of transportation and idiots, I wonder how the Sarah-Palin-Pullover Day went yesterday. Anybody see any old Pontiac Grand Ams pulled over in protest?

the_problem_child March 14, 2011 at 11:23 pm

The fact that you have 0 replies to date makes me happy.

GuyClinch March 14, 2011 at 11:48 pm

Gah, well so much for that! Give me back my hymen!

EatsBabyDingos March 14, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Makes me want a Triple Bacon Whopper with Cheese and a side of oblating catheter.

widestanceroman March 14, 2011 at 1:37 pm

None if they simply hitched them, owner-occupied, to the back.

natoslug March 14, 2011 at 1:44 pm

I'm not fat, just big-boned. My bones, however, are quite corpulent.

DashboardBuddha March 14, 2011 at 1:54 pm

I'm a fatass…but I can make myself really small when I fly. If you happen to sit next to me I promise not to sweat on your or fart (unless you're into that.).

;-)

not that Dewey March 14, 2011 at 1:58 pm

This is bad news for Hugo Reyes.

MissTaken March 14, 2011 at 2:04 pm

He and Walter looked awfully happy Friday night….

not that Dewey March 14, 2011 at 2:07 pm

If it were young Walt, they might be able to get away with it.

horsedreamer_1 March 14, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Manuel Uribe, also.

not that Dewey March 14, 2011 at 2:18 pm

After reaching a peak weight of around 597 kg (1,320 lb) and having been unable to leave his bed since 2001…

OUCH!

On the other hand, the "unable to leave his bed since 2001" may have rendered the "needing to ride the bus" moot.

donner_froh March 14, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Specifically, FTA is proposing to change the average passenger weight from 150 lbs to 175 lbs.

FTA is proposing FAT regulations. Its the ying/yang of the universe.

SorosBot March 14, 2011 at 2:18 pm

This is good news for Haley Barbour.

Monsieur_Grumpe March 14, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Wall-E is such a visionary film.

proudgrampa March 14, 2011 at 2:34 pm

As a frequent flyer with "big bones," I have been looking for an excuse to stop traveling. If the airlines did pull that stunt, charging by weight, that would do it for me (and others, I am sure). Airlines are already losing money as it is…

Lascauxcaveman March 14, 2011 at 7:18 pm

… on fatasses like you, anyway. Jet fuel, 'at shit's getting expensive.

But seriously, they would catch so much shit if they they did the logical thing and tried to charge by weight, just like when they decided to make folks pay to check a bag.

proudgrampa March 14, 2011 at 9:24 pm

OUCH! I can't help my genetic inheritance, Caveman!

My friend, we are all gonna PAY PAY PAY as time goes on…

Jukesgrrl March 14, 2011 at 10:24 pm

Take an anorectic model as your guest and tell 'em to average you out.

chicken[redack] March 14, 2011 at 2:45 pm

so — and let me get this straight — the hand-made sign that mean-spirited kids would tape onto the backs of larger children ("WIDE LOAD") is about to become law?

mavenmaven March 14, 2011 at 3:01 pm

I would have thought that those thin meth and heroin users on public buses would have brought the average weight down.

Jukesgrrl March 14, 2011 at 10:25 pm

In Tucson they certainly do. Not to mention, their teeth don't have to ride.

Moonbat March 14, 2011 at 3:21 pm

I like a big bus and I cannot lie, etc.

lochnessmonster March 14, 2011 at 5:58 pm

I think only upping the weight to 175 lbs. is generous at best. Should be more like 275 from what I see on the streets.

Beetagger March 14, 2011 at 6:41 pm

We should also upgrade the carrying capacity of floaties and pool noodles in case of another tsunami.

DownFist Troll March 14, 2011 at 8:33 pm

Tea party: This new regulation is a direct assault against our base!

XOhioan March 14, 2011 at 9:03 pm

I live in Chicago. Oh thank fucking God.
To clarify: Chicago Transit Authority got the bright idea to buy a fleet of narrow buses for better maneuverability. Aisles are a few inches less than your average Chicagoan. I wonder how many fat people knife fights have been caused by that foolish acquisition.

Jukesgrrl March 14, 2011 at 10:26 pm

It's all that cedar cheese.

not that Dewey March 14, 2011 at 10:59 pm

See, this is where I get confused between cellulose and cellulite. Which one is part of trees?

the_problem_child March 14, 2011 at 11:20 pm

I am surprisingly happy to be the old average.

Negropolis March 15, 2011 at 6:36 am

per person, meaning the average of male and females combined. This weight wouldn't at all seem unreasonable until you've seen how big we've gotten just over the last decade. The average American adult man is now something like 5'9" at 190+ lbs. That just blows my mind.

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