JAPAN  2:34 am March 14, 2011

Wonkette’s Jack Stuef Is In Tokyo For Some Reason

by Ken Layne

Really. He wanted to get away from the crushing free-lance grind for a while, so he bought a ticket to Japan. And then, the day before he left for a fun vacation with Pokemon or whatever — Jack grew up with Pokemon, he says — the worst-ever earthquake/nuclear disaster hit Japan. But, it turns out, you can still go to places even when something terrible happened. Maybe you wouldn’t have gone if you knew … but we knew a lot less on Friday.

Tokyo is still there, according to Stuef’s “twitter photo.” But good god, the horror in the north does seem to accelerate by the hour. If you feel like it, ask Jack stuff in these comments.

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 123 comments }

BeWoot March 14, 2011 at 2:44 am

Hello Catty.

Lascauxcaveman March 14, 2011 at 10:48 am

I can haz pulitzer?

(See ComeHereAMinute and Ken Layne comments below)

BeWoot March 14, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Absolutely. I also put you, Jack, Ken and Riley in for a Nobel and the MacArthur Fellowships. You're welcome.

MiniMencken March 14, 2011 at 2:52 am

Gojira very angry! Mothra will come after him! Singing tiny twins are nowhere to be found! But, Japan is run by adults. Not like USA. Problems will be dealt with!

WABishop March 14, 2011 at 7:05 am

Gojira?!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!

BaldarTFlagass March 14, 2011 at 8:30 am

Raymond Burr has risen from the grave.

Doktor[redacted] March 14, 2011 at 12:29 pm

♪♫♪♬Gamera is really neat! Gamera is turtle meat!
We're all eating Gamera!
♪♫♪♬

Natl[redacted]Cmdr March 14, 2011 at 3:05 am

my comment is "what?" and "are you ok?"

bumfug March 14, 2011 at 3:31 am

For your sake, Jack, I hope aisai is a woman.

Natl[redacted]Cmdr March 14, 2011 at 3:37 am

or breitbart? (oh that was riley)

Sophist [teadacted] March 14, 2011 at 6:31 am

Hey, any port in a storm right?

neiltheblaze March 14, 2011 at 10:25 am

I read that as "any porn in a storm" for a microsecond – which also works.

horsedreamer_1 March 14, 2011 at 11:02 am

It is Japan.

Gopherit March 14, 2011 at 11:36 am

Right. All's fair, even tentacles.

WABishop March 14, 2011 at 7:08 am

Or a man. Not there's anything wrong with that.

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 14, 2011 at 3:42 am

First George H.W. Bush vomited all over Japan, then Iron Chef got canceled, then the earthquake, and now this.

Hasn't Japan suffered enough?

Sophist [teadacted] March 14, 2011 at 6:38 am

Don't worry, we'll just send over Governor For Life Walker and Maximum Governor Snyder to crush their unions an dissolve their local elected governments. That should fix everything, right?

LouBristol March 14, 2011 at 3:43 am

why go to japan when u can watch "stunning" "amazing" "u-hav-2-c-this" video-clips on TV from the comfort of ur couch? also, a giant earthquake-tsunami killed the pokemon creator and set off a thermo-nuclear explosion.

gef05 March 14, 2011 at 7:04 am

He's still alive. Despite the best attempts of the Twittersphere to claim otherwise.

LouBristol March 14, 2011 at 7:12 am

I'm not simply going by what these snoopy-poopy kids are saying on their twitter machines, I saw the tweet paged up on CNN so it must be true.

deanbooth March 14, 2011 at 9:18 am

If you put all those "stunning" "amazing" "u-hav-2-c-this" video-clips together, it'd be 4, maybe 5, minutes long. With "creative" editing, CNN has stretched them out to 72 hours.

Doktor[redacted] March 14, 2011 at 12:31 pm

James O'Keefe has a special version where the tsunami admits it hates the tea party.

ChessieNefercat March 14, 2011 at 6:49 pm

Oh God, that's why the 24/7 news cycle is so unbearable. Thank you for putting it in such concise terms.

Extemporanus March 14, 2011 at 3:46 am

Konichiwa Jack-san,

I've got your picture, I've got your picture—I'd like a million of you all 'round myself. I want a doctor to take your picture, so I can look at you from inside as well.

Sayonara,
Extemporanus

Radiotherapy March 14, 2011 at 7:53 am

Last weekend we all turned Japanese in our attention..

Oblios_Cap March 14, 2011 at 8:59 am

Hai, so desu

sezme March 14, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.

Actually, these are the only words of Japanese you need to know. Make sure you say all four every time for extra politeness in this crisis situation.

Beanball March 14, 2011 at 5:23 am

Protip: duck and cover

Lascauxcaveman March 14, 2011 at 10:52 am

Dinner tip: duck and udon miso

Fukui_sanYesOta March 14, 2011 at 5:28 am

Good luck Jack. You should have a whale of a time.

Come here a minute March 14, 2011 at 5:49 am

Very clever — when a freelance writer takes a vacation to a disaster zone, they get to call it "Journalism".

Ken Layne March 14, 2011 at 10:28 am

I actually have no expectation of any "dispatches" from Jack. But I spent much of my long semi-career as a free-lance journalist just taking cheap flights to wherever news was happening. No better way to travel.

Gopherit March 14, 2011 at 11:37 am

Also, you can probably write off the travel expenses. Very nice.

Pop_Socket March 14, 2011 at 6:44 am

Write one post and he can expense the whole trip on his taxes.

Jukesgrrl March 14, 2011 at 6:49 pm

He was probably already going to do that, but now the IRS will have a harder time arguing. He can wave a geiger counter over himself to prove he was there.

Jack Stuef March 14, 2011 at 7:03 am

"If you feel like it, ask Jack stuff in these comments."

What the fuck is this? I AM ON VACATION.

LesBontemps March 14, 2011 at 7:46 am

Ha ha ha, "Jack Stuef," robots do not get vacations. What do you think you are, some kind of union thug, with your fancy "vacation"?

nedbeaumontjr March 14, 2011 at 8:37 am

Jack, what's the airspeed of a radioactive swallow?

natoslug March 14, 2011 at 9:29 am

European or African radioactive swallow?

nedbeaumontjr March 14, 2011 at 11:08 am

Is it glowing off-white or brown?

natoslug March 14, 2011 at 11:13 am

If we were properly teabaggist, we'd say it is glowing yellow. Speaking of yellow and teabagging douches, I just got my very own troll to follow me on intensedebate today. I feel so special. Hi there, UnionsRStreetGangs. Please try not to shit on the drapes.

[redacted]byreality March 14, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Is it carrying a coconut?

natoslug March 14, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Radioactive coconuts.

V572625694 March 14, 2011 at 11:01 am

Is it really slanted?

PocketsTheClown March 14, 2011 at 11:07 am

Are you going to get a weird haircut?

imissopus March 14, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Hey Jack, if you're on vacation why are you sitting in front of a computer trolling Wonkette? Get out there and find a frightened Japanese schoolgirl to comfort.

Not_So_Much March 14, 2011 at 12:34 pm

I look forward to the reader hate mail giving you shit for your ability to pick just the right time and place to unwind…

Bonzos_Bed_Time March 14, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Because the news never stops!

Jukesgrrl March 14, 2011 at 6:53 pm

Jacko-san, you silly thing, you better redact that post sugu ni or the IRS is going to use it against you.

gef05 March 14, 2011 at 7:07 am

So Jack, how's the bukkake? I hear it's nice this time of year.

Or is that the cherry blossoms? Whatever.

nedbeaumontjr March 14, 2011 at 8:55 am

In the spring, the bukkake flows like water. Chunky, disgusting water.

Radiotherapy March 14, 2011 at 9:04 am

Don't eat the egg drop soup.

facehead March 14, 2011 at 7:09 am

"Growing up with Pokemon"

– Is that what the kids are calling it nowadays?

BaldarTFlagass March 14, 2011 at 7:10 am

Looks like your vacation timing is as good as mine. Sarajevo '92, Belgrade '99, New Orleans September '05…

WABishop March 14, 2011 at 7:21 am

"ask Jack Stuef in these comments"

*/fixed

BaldarTFlagass March 14, 2011 at 7:24 am

"Ask Jack"

Hey Jack, it's been 25 years since my last visit; can you still buy cheap whiskey and airbrushed porn out of the vending machines on the streets?

Kidneys4Sale March 14, 2011 at 11:46 am

Jesus. You could be talking about my childhood basement.

Jukesgrrl March 14, 2011 at 6:54 pm

Yes. Pictures of Justin Beiber with Hello Kitty, too.

ChernobylSoup March 14, 2011 at 7:38 am

Hey Jack. When I was stationed near Tokyo in 1992, I met this beautiful Japanese lady. She had smooth, flawless skin, perfect legs, and was exceedingly polite. Very smart too. I forget her name but if you see her please tell her I said hello.

Numbat_Dundee March 14, 2011 at 8:10 am

I'm sure she's thinking of you right now. Maybe she's remembering your penis or your chiselled jaw. More likely she's remembering your name – "ChernobylSoup" has such resonance in Japan right now, for some reason.

axmxz March 14, 2011 at 12:34 pm

You win all comments ever.

Guppy06 March 14, 2011 at 11:13 am

"Her" name was Rudy.

VespulaMaculata March 14, 2011 at 7:59 am

Be careful, Jack. You don't get pass on looting there just cause you're an American. I thnk they pull down your pants in public and cane you.

Or is that Singapore?

Guppy06 March 14, 2011 at 11:14 am

No no, he's white, he's "finding."

Zvi_Bleindmeis March 14, 2011 at 8:04 am

Someone ask Pat Robertson what Japan did to deserve this.

Numbat_Dundee March 14, 2011 at 8:11 am

They ate fish without bread?

vulpes82 March 14, 2011 at 9:01 am

Don't be silly: they're devil-worshiping Shinto-Buddhists, of course! Zen is only seven letters away from Satan, you know.

GuanoFaucet March 14, 2011 at 9:02 am

They sell previously worn panties out of vending machines?

LouBristol March 14, 2011 at 9:46 am

Ever since Pat Robertson discovered tentacle porn he's had a soft spot for the Japanese.

ChessieNefercat March 14, 2011 at 6:54 pm

I'm not sure porn and "soft" are a good linkage, oh wait, maybe if it's a female under discussion, it's a good thing? No, no, I don't think Pat Robertson is female, oh, hell, I should stop drinking for a moment and find some food.

MadBrahms March 14, 2011 at 8:39 am

Jack, all I will say is this: for a good time, make it a Suntory time.

…especially because all of the water is probably poisoned with radiation / tsunami debris now.

donner_froh March 14, 2011 at 8:44 am

Amazing that the Japanese prime minister can make a public statement about the disasters, saying it is the worst crisis the nation has faced since the end of World War II and not once say that the only way to deal with it is to crush the unions.

Naoto Kan is out of step with the march of history.

deanbooth March 14, 2011 at 9:25 am

On 60 minutes last night, Katie C. did a major hit piece on teacher unions ("Look how good schools can be if you can fire teachers…"). Coincidence? I think not.

Jukesgrrl March 14, 2011 at 6:56 pm

That bitch. Did she tell people to send their kids to the private academies her kids attend? That's usually the answer rich people have for every problem: Just do as I do, you ninnies.

ChessieNefercat March 14, 2011 at 6:57 pm

"Naoto Kan is out of step with the march of history."

Or, "Naoto Kan is out of step with the march of dictatorial anti-American Republican governors and the mindless 24/7 US cable news cycle"?

TsunamiAli March 14, 2011 at 8:47 am

Jack, you gotta catch them all! Srsly. And for fuck's sake bring them back here because Japan is no place for Pokemon right now.

Fare la Nippon March 15, 2011 at 3:55 am

It's okay. They can use Surf.

I'm going to hell.

user-of-owls March 14, 2011 at 8:57 am

Well, this will be odd timing for sure, but I've been meaning to tell Jack that his stuff (not that stuff, you pervs) is gold, pure gold. In all seriousness, you write so well that when you post something that is just really good, it seems like a letdown of sorts. Too easy to take your excellence for granted.

So, thanks Jack. Just thanks. Be safe.

Bonzos_Bed_Time March 14, 2011 at 12:54 pm

Why can't that stuff be pure gold, too?

Oblios_Cap March 14, 2011 at 9:01 am

Now is surely the time for the Nipponese to cut taxes, because that makes everything better.

Monsieur_Grumpe March 14, 2011 at 9:32 am

Jack,
Try not to look delicious.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yoshio_Tachibana

GunToting[Redacted] March 14, 2011 at 10:20 am

Mmm, white meat!

Doktor[redacted] March 14, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Try the "long pig"

Ducksworthy March 14, 2011 at 11:24 am

So good to know that cannibalism is not a war crime but that prevention of honorable burial is. Thanks.

PublicLuxury March 14, 2011 at 9:36 am

Dear Jack,

You are such a leader. So brave and strong and virile. Will you go out on a Dream Date with me? Call me!

ttommyunger March 14, 2011 at 11:10 am

Me too! And I'm not even gay.

PublicLuxury March 14, 2011 at 11:17 am

Now Tommy, don't you go creeping in on my date. If we need you we'll call.

ttommyunger March 14, 2011 at 11:25 am

Waiting with bait, I mean bated, breath!

walstib March 14, 2011 at 10:11 am

I must know this:

Are the beer swilling cows safe???

I MUST RETAIN ACCESS TO THAT YUMMY YUMMY BEEF.

Mumbletypeg March 14, 2011 at 10:14 am

Aww, Sad Panda. This is bad news for Japan-China diplomacy efforts.
Yes Jack, safe to say you've embarked on one of 'those' vacations. Still better than trying to keep wits about oneself in this 'tardnation.

Barbara_i March 14, 2011 at 10:24 am

Jack, could you please check in on Anderson Cooper? He tends to get into trouble abroad. I won't be able to sleep tonight knowing that one of his perfect silver hairs is out of place. Thanks!

BarackMyWorld March 14, 2011 at 10:43 am

Wait…You went anyways???

Boy, airlines sure are strict about their no cancelling tickets policy.

ChessieNefercat March 14, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Before you comment like that, please check with me to make sure I can afford a new monitor!

MinAgain March 14, 2011 at 10:59 am

So, Jack…have you grown any superfluous appendages yet?

What? Too soon?

jus_wonderin March 14, 2011 at 11:10 am

But, where in the world is Carmen San Diego???

nounverb911 March 14, 2011 at 11:10 am

Jack, the Pokeman store is near Hammamatsu Station on the JR Yamanote Line.

ttommyunger March 14, 2011 at 11:10 am

Sorry, my first thought: better him than me.

hagajim March 14, 2011 at 11:37 am

I think Jack is hoping to get bit by a radioactive Pokeman so he can return as super Pokeman – or something.

chascates March 14, 2011 at 11:56 am

Are the sake vending machines still working?

MissTaken March 14, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Or the ones that sell worn girlie panties.

sezme March 14, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Well of course the panty vending machines are still operative. It's a matter of national security.

MissTaken March 14, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Good luck Jack! And if it's not too much to ask, my computer is really in need of one of those humping dogs.

Thanks!

TanzbodenKoenig March 14, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Is it hard to sleep when you glow in the dark?

chascates March 14, 2011 at 12:26 pm

And wear one of those face masks so you won't stand out.

Doktor[redacted] March 14, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Suntory, santorum, whatever.

Doktor[redacted] March 14, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Important tip: At some point, someone will try to get you to eat something called "natto." DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EAT THIS "NATTO" SUBSTANCE! IT TASTES LIKE SOMETHING HORRIBLY DECAYED, which, actually, it is. Modern science theorizes that this "natto" is either an industrial polymer or a very amusing practical joke devised to make foreign devils make ridiculous disgusted faces.

DemmeFatale March 14, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Did you ever see Chef Morimoto on "Iron Chef" do "Around the World with Natto?"
Truly disgusting!
(He actually put natto in a hot dog bun, to represent U.S. America.)

MissTaken March 14, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Sounds like Japan's version of durian. Oy.

lochnessmonster March 14, 2011 at 6:10 pm

Jack, if I knew which prefecture she lived in, I'd have you pop in to see my daughters friend who lives ther…but I don so…

Mumbletypeg March 14, 2011 at 10:41 pm

Since the likelihood of radioactive exposure will probably get you screened out of ever donating blood in the U.S. again (bummer!), Jack, you might as well go for that radical irezumi-stylin' tattoo you've been dreaming about getting.

Fare la Nippon March 15, 2011 at 3:43 pm

If they're still open, check out the tsundere maid cafes in Akibahara. The waitresses are all surly, pushy young girls who go out of their way to give you a hard time, but melt into lovestruck sweetness when you're kind to them. It's like Wonkette in restaurant form.

Sophist [teadacted] March 14, 2011 at 6:29 am

Well, wherever you're going, keep going! Because that was HAWT and I need, um…closure, if you know what I mean.

Zvi_Bleindmeis March 14, 2011 at 8:01 am

Wow. The earth just moved. Eight feet.

JoeBiteme March 14, 2011 at 9:27 am

HUGE boner…

DashboardBuddha March 14, 2011 at 7:55 am

Me too. I love happy endings.

Lascauxcaveman March 14, 2011 at 10:49 am

And for god's sake move to higher ground, so you can make it last longer.

qwerty42 March 14, 2011 at 11:24 am

Me too! Some retard from breitbart it appears. Seems to be obsessively "following" all sorts. So: teenager, unemployed or OCD?

nedbeaumontjr March 14, 2011 at 11:38 am

Yeah, he got me yesterday.

ChessieNefercat March 14, 2011 at 1:03 pm

I got the same delightful message! This is about the 3rd one like this I have received.

I wish nice people would follow me (if anyone must), but evidently my combination of being a) boring and b) union/liberal leaves me to be followed by yokels such as the above named slack-jawed goober.

I suppose I could look at my profile to see who else is following me? Seriously, why would anyone?

natoslug March 14, 2011 at 1:10 pm

You sound lonely and desperate, so I'll follow you. Just in case there's any nipple-slip. It's the internet, so I can assume you are the most beautiful, sexually deviant and morally loose woman on the planet.

ChessieNefercat March 14, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Why, yes, yes I am, actually! Erk, second sentence, not the first.

natoslug March 14, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Oh good. Don't forget to post pics of any nipple-slips or panty malfunctions here on Wonkette, and I promise not to do the same. In my mind, you've already started debasing yourself with Elizabeth Kucinich in a kiddie-pool filled with Jell-o and live baby octopi. Monday's almost manageable now . . .

[redacted]byreality March 14, 2011 at 5:54 pm

“Ya put da iodine in de coconutand drink 'em both togedda,put da iodine in de coconutand ya feel betta.”

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