Really. He wanted to get away from the crushing free-lance grind for a while, so he bought a ticket to Japan. And then, the day before he left for a fun vacation with Pokemon or whatever — Jack grew up with Pokemon, he says — the worst-ever earthquake/nuclear disaster hit Japan. But, it turns out, you can still go to places even when something terrible happened. Maybe you wouldn’t have gone if you knew … but we knew a lot less on Friday.
Tokyo is still there, according to Stuef’s “twitter photo.” But good god, the horror in the north does seem to accelerate by the hour. If you feel like it, ask Jack stuff in these comments.
{ 123 comments }
Hello Catty.
I can haz pulitzer?
(See ComeHereAMinute and Ken Layne comments below)
Absolutely. I also put you, Jack, Ken and Riley in for a Nobel and the MacArthur Fellowships. You're welcome.
Gojira very angry! Mothra will come after him! Singing tiny twins are nowhere to be found! But, Japan is run by adults. Not like USA. Problems will be dealt with!
Gojira?!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!
Raymond Burr has risen from the grave.
♪♫♪♬Gamera is really neat! Gamera is turtle meat!
We're all eating Gamera!♪♫♪♬
my comment is "what?" and "are you ok?"
For your sake, Jack, I hope aisai is a woman.
or breitbart? (oh that was riley)
Hey, any port in a storm right?
I read that as "any porn in a storm" for a microsecond – which also works.
It is Japan.
Right. All's fair, even tentacles.
Or a man. Not there's anything wrong with that.
First George H.W. Bush vomited all over Japan, then Iron Chef got canceled, then the earthquake, and now this.
Hasn't Japan suffered enough?
Don't worry, we'll just send over Governor For Life Walker and Maximum Governor Snyder to crush their unions an dissolve their local elected governments. That should fix everything, right?
why go to japan when u can watch "stunning" "amazing" "u-hav-2-c-this" video-clips on TV from the comfort of ur couch? also, a giant earthquake-tsunami killed the pokemon creator and set off a thermo-nuclear explosion.
He's still alive. Despite the best attempts of the Twittersphere to claim otherwise.
I'm not simply going by what these snoopy-poopy kids are saying on their twitter machines, I saw the tweet paged up on CNN so it must be true.
If you put all those "stunning" "amazing" "u-hav-2-c-this" video-clips together, it'd be 4, maybe 5, minutes long. With "creative" editing, CNN has stretched them out to 72 hours.
James O'Keefe has a special version where the tsunami admits it hates the tea party.
Oh God, that's why the 24/7 news cycle is so unbearable. Thank you for putting it in such concise terms.
Konichiwa Jack-san,
I've got your picture, I've got your picture—I'd like a million of you all 'round myself. I want a doctor to take your picture, so I can look at you from inside as well.
Sayonara,
Extemporanus
Last weekend we all turned Japanese in our attention..
Hai, so desu
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.
Actually, these are the only words of Japanese you need to know. Make sure you say all four every time for extra politeness in this crisis situation.
Protip: duck and cover
Dinner tip: duck and udon miso
Good luck Jack. You should have a whale of a time.
Very clever — when a freelance writer takes a vacation to a disaster zone, they get to call it "Journalism".
I actually have no expectation of any "dispatches" from Jack. But I spent much of my long semi-career as a free-lance journalist just taking cheap flights to wherever news was happening. No better way to travel.
Also, you can probably write off the travel expenses. Very nice.
Write one post and he can expense the whole trip on his taxes.
He was probably already going to do that, but now the IRS will have a harder time arguing. He can wave a geiger counter over himself to prove he was there.
"If you feel like it, ask Jack stuff in these comments."
What the fuck is this? I AM ON VACATION.
Ha ha ha, "Jack Stuef," robots do not get vacations. What do you think you are, some kind of union thug, with your fancy "vacation"?
Jack, what's the airspeed of a radioactive swallow?
European or African radioactive swallow?
Is it glowing off-white or brown?
If we were properly teabaggist, we'd say it is glowing yellow. Speaking of yellow and teabagging douches, I just got my very own troll to follow me on intensedebate today. I feel so special. Hi there, UnionsRStreetGangs. Please try not to shit on the drapes.
Is it carrying a coconut?
Radioactive coconuts.
Is it really slanted?
Are you going to get a weird haircut?
Hey Jack, if you're on vacation why are you sitting in front of a computer trolling Wonkette? Get out there and find a frightened Japanese schoolgirl to comfort.
I look forward to the reader hate mail giving you shit for your ability to pick just the right time and place to unwind…
Because the news never stops!
Jacko-san, you silly thing, you better redact that post sugu ni or the IRS is going to use it against you.
So Jack, how's the bukkake? I hear it's nice this time of year.
Or is that the cherry blossoms? Whatever.
In the spring, the bukkake flows like water. Chunky, disgusting water.
Don't eat the egg drop soup.
"Growing up with Pokemon"
– Is that what the kids are calling it nowadays?
Looks like your vacation timing is as good as mine. Sarajevo '92, Belgrade '99, New Orleans September '05…
"ask Jack Stuef in these comments"
*/fixed
"Ask Jack"
Hey Jack, it's been 25 years since my last visit; can you still buy cheap whiskey and airbrushed porn out of the vending machines on the streets?
Jesus. You could be talking about my childhood basement.
Yes. Pictures of Justin Beiber with Hello Kitty, too.
Hey Jack. When I was stationed near Tokyo in 1992, I met this beautiful Japanese lady. She had smooth, flawless skin, perfect legs, and was exceedingly polite. Very smart too. I forget her name but if you see her please tell her I said hello.
I'm sure she's thinking of you right now. Maybe she's remembering your penis or your chiselled jaw. More likely she's remembering your name – "ChernobylSoup" has such resonance in Japan right now, for some reason.
You win all comments ever.
"Her" name was Rudy.
Be careful, Jack. You don't get pass on looting there just cause you're an American. I thnk they pull down your pants in public and cane you.
Or is that Singapore?
No no, he's white, he's "finding."
Someone ask Pat Robertson what Japan did to deserve this.
They ate fish without bread?
Don't be silly: they're devil-worshiping Shinto-Buddhists, of course! Zen is only seven letters away from Satan, you know.
They sell previously worn panties out of vending machines?
Ever since Pat Robertson discovered tentacle porn he's had a soft spot for the Japanese.
I'm not sure porn and "soft" are a good linkage, oh wait, maybe if it's a female under discussion, it's a good thing? No, no, I don't think Pat Robertson is female, oh, hell, I should stop drinking for a moment and find some food.
Jack, all I will say is this: for a good time, make it a Suntory time.
…especially because all of the water is probably poisoned with radiation / tsunami debris now.
Amazing that the Japanese prime minister can make a public statement about the disasters, saying it is the worst crisis the nation has faced since the end of World War II and not once say that the only way to deal with it is to crush the unions.
Naoto Kan is out of step with the march of history.
On 60 minutes last night, Katie C. did a major hit piece on teacher unions ("Look how good schools can be if you can fire teachers…"). Coincidence? I think not.
That bitch. Did she tell people to send their kids to the private academies her kids attend? That's usually the answer rich people have for every problem: Just do as I do, you ninnies.
"Naoto Kan is out of step with the march of history."
Or, "Naoto Kan is out of step with the march of dictatorial anti-American Republican governors and the mindless 24/7 US cable news cycle"?
Jack, you gotta catch them all! Srsly. And for fuck's sake bring them back here because Japan is no place for Pokemon right now.
It's okay. They can use Surf.
I'm going to hell.
Well, this will be odd timing for sure, but I've been meaning to tell Jack that his stuff (not that stuff, you pervs) is gold, pure gold. In all seriousness, you write so well that when you post something that is just really good, it seems like a letdown of sorts. Too easy to take your excellence for granted.
So, thanks Jack. Just thanks. Be safe.
Why can't that stuff be pure gold, too?
Now is surely the time for the Nipponese to cut taxes, because that makes everything better.
Jack,
Try not to look delicious.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yoshio_Tachibana
Mmm, white meat!
Try the "long pig"
So good to know that cannibalism is not a war crime but that prevention of honorable burial is. Thanks.
Dear Jack,
You are such a leader. So brave and strong and virile. Will you go out on a Dream Date with me? Call me!
Me too! And I'm not even gay.
Now Tommy, don't you go creeping in on my date. If we need you we'll call.
Waiting with bait, I mean bated, breath!
I must know this:
Are the beer swilling cows safe???
I MUST RETAIN ACCESS TO THAT YUMMY YUMMY BEEF.
Aww, Sad Panda. This is bad news for Japan-China diplomacy efforts.
Yes Jack, safe to say you've embarked on one of 'those' vacations. Still better than trying to keep wits about oneself in this 'tardnation.
Jack, could you please check in on Anderson Cooper? He tends to get into trouble abroad. I won't be able to sleep tonight knowing that one of his perfect silver hairs is out of place. Thanks!
Wait…You went anyways???
Boy, airlines sure are strict about their no cancelling tickets policy.
Before you comment like that, please check with me to make sure I can afford a new monitor!
So, Jack…have you grown any superfluous appendages yet?
What? Too soon?
But, where in the world is Carmen San Diego???
Jack, the Pokeman store is near Hammamatsu Station on the JR Yamanote Line.
Sorry, my first thought: better him than me.
I think Jack is hoping to get bit by a radioactive Pokeman so he can return as super Pokeman – or something.
Are the sake vending machines still working?
Or the ones that sell worn girlie panties.
Well of course the panty vending machines are still operative. It's a matter of national security.
Good luck Jack! And if it's not too much to ask, my computer is really in need of one of those humping dogs.
Thanks!
Is it hard to sleep when you glow in the dark?
And wear one of those face masks so you won't stand out.
Suntory, santorum, whatever.
Important tip: At some point, someone will try to get you to eat something called "natto." DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EAT THIS "NATTO" SUBSTANCE! IT TASTES LIKE SOMETHING HORRIBLY DECAYED, which, actually, it is. Modern science theorizes that this "natto" is either an industrial polymer or a very amusing practical joke devised to make foreign devils make ridiculous disgusted faces.
Did you ever see Chef Morimoto on "Iron Chef" do "Around the World with Natto?"
Truly disgusting!
(He actually put natto in a hot dog bun, to represent U.S. America.)
Sounds like Japan's version of durian. Oy.
Jack, if I knew which prefecture she lived in, I'd have you pop in to see my daughters friend who lives ther…but I don so…
Since the likelihood of radioactive exposure will probably get you screened out of ever donating blood in the U.S. again (bummer!), Jack, you might as well go for that radical irezumi-stylin' tattoo you've been dreaming about getting.
If they're still open, check out the tsundere maid cafes in Akibahara. The waitresses are all surly, pushy young girls who go out of their way to give you a hard time, but melt into lovestruck sweetness when you're kind to them. It's like Wonkette in restaurant form.
Well, wherever you're going, keep going! Because that was HAWT and I need, um…closure, if you know what I mean.
Wow. The earth just moved. Eight feet.
HUGE boner…
Me too. I love happy endings.
And for god's sake move to higher ground, so you can make it last longer.
Me too! Some retard from breitbart it appears. Seems to be obsessively "following" all sorts. So: teenager, unemployed or OCD?
Yeah, he got me yesterday.
I got the same delightful message! This is about the 3rd one like this I have received.
I wish nice people would follow me (if anyone must), but evidently my combination of being a) boring and b) union/liberal leaves me to be followed by yokels such as the above named slack-jawed goober.
I suppose I could look at my profile to see who else is following me? Seriously, why would anyone?
You sound lonely and desperate, so I'll follow you. Just in case there's any nipple-slip. It's the internet, so I can assume you are the most beautiful, sexually deviant and morally loose woman on the planet.
Why, yes, yes I am, actually! Erk, second sentence, not the first.
Oh good. Don't forget to post pics of any nipple-slips or panty malfunctions here on Wonkette, and I promise not to do the same. In my mind, you've already started debasing yourself with Elizabeth Kucinich in a kiddie-pool filled with Jell-o and live baby octopi. Monday's almost manageable now . . .
“Ya put da iodine in de coconutand drink 'em both togedda,put da iodine in de coconutand ya feel betta.”
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