nation of retard GOP legislators

TN State Senator Writes ‘Long Form Birth Certificate’ Bill, Has No Idea What ‘Long Form Birth Certificate’ Is

Across this dumb nation, state legislators are introducing bills against “Sharia,” whoever she might be, and bills requiring all new presidents to have “long form birth certificates,” whatever those happen to be.

Mother Jones reports on this radio appearance by Tennessee state senator Mae Beavers, author of SB 1091, “a bill that would require presidential candidates to present a long-form birth certificate in order to qualify for the ballot.”

Host: What are the specific requirements in the bill?

Sen. Mae Beavers: That they have to have the long form birth certificate.

Host: What is the long form birth certificate?

Sen. Mae Beavers: Now, you’re asking me to get into a lot of things that I haven’t really looked into yet.

Haha, what’s with the “gotcha journalism,” anyway? Here’s another dipshit, who has introduced a bill against “Sharia” even though he hasn’t quite figured out what that term might describe:

Alabama state Sen. Gerald Allen borrowed his own anti-Sharia bill from Wikipedia, and when asked by a reporter what Sharia actually is, said, “I don’t have my file in front of me.”


About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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    1. SorosBot

      Mae Beavers also has a bit of a problem differentiating singular from plural, unless she has some bizarre birth defect.

    2. SayItWithWookies

      It's actually the name an Indian medicine man gave her. Well, it's the shortened name — the long one was Mae Beavers Swim Up Your Ass and Build a Dam So Shit Starts Coming Out of Your Mouth.

      1. Steverino247

        I'm happy to report that it took two tissues to wipe away the tears of laughter after that one. That was out-fucking-standingly funny.

      2. CessnaDriver

        "Father, how did I get my name"

        "Son, and indian gets his name by what his father sees after he's born. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

    3. [redacted]byreality

      Wasn't that Opie's sweet old aunt on "The Andy Griffith Show?" I heard she went cat-shit crazy–I guess this is the proof.

  1. SorosBot

    A "long form birth certificate" is a bunch bullshit invented by birthers so they could continue with their conspiracy theory after Obama released his birth certificate; so I know something this idiot state Senator does not.

    1. Gopherit

      People from Tennessee probably need a long form birth certificate to list all the possible daddies.

    2. JustPixelz

      Next up: The Even Longer Form birf cert.

      Can anyone produce a birth certificate for Ronald Reagan that satisfies the birthers?

      These wingers should be careful what they wish for. Some people can't produce those records — adoptees, for instance. At home births. Family secrets. Fire at the courthouse. Parents' privacy.

      Finally, Chief Justice John Roberts swore Obama into office. If these people really believe Obama isn't eligible, they should be calling for Roberts' impeachment.

      1. betweenstations

        The Other Major Candidate last time was born in Panama and had a wacky birth certificate too. Of course, he was white.

        1. DangerHelvetica

          Ah yes, Panamanian Strongman Juan McCain (I really just wanted a chance to say that again).

    3. Steverino247

      California never issued anything like a "long form" birth certificate. I've seen my original (1954) and post-stepparent adoption (1967) birth certificates and they were identical (and about a half sheet in size) except for the information about the father.

      These assholes just don't want a birth certificate that says anything other than "White/Caucasian" on it.

      1. ChessieNefercat

        Yes, two of my children were born in California and you are right, it is a half sheet of paper. My daughter ordered a copy for herself a couple of years ago and it came as a photocopy of the half-sheet on a full sheet of paper. Do you think those cretinous dullards would consider that a "long-form"?

        1. Sparky_McGruff

          Is she white? Then that will do fine.

          Seriously, my wife had to order a duplicate of her birth certificate (it got lost during our multiple moves, and Virginia needs 19 pieces of identification and a blood sample to get a driver's license). I had to laugh hysterically when it showed up, it's a laser-print, with about six lines of information printed in Comic Sans. The real "birth certificate" is a ledger entry in a book at the county courthouse.

          1. ChessieNefercat

            Why, yes, she is white! Blond, too. And blue-eyed. She's not had a speck of trouble with her long-form short-form birth certificate.

    4. Tundra Grifter

      File next to "Drill in ANWR." Doesn't really mean anything – just a phrase to stir people up.

  2. Barbara_i

    Tennessee Legislature just passed a new bill. If you divorce your wife, she’s still your sister, long form divorce or not.

    1. problemwithcaring

      You don't have to bother when you have a white, fat-ass governor that calls himself the "Anti-Obama."

    2. Fare la Nippon

      I know, hun, I know. Why Memphis and Nashville don't just secede from the state already, I haven't a clue.

  3. Hatrabbit

    I'm sorry, did you say this fuckwit wrote a bill! Like, with words and such?

    Tennessee , you exceeded all expectations. Hi-fructose corn syrup shots all round.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Actually, almost no Republicans write bills. They simply get them handed to them by lobbyist, the Koch Brothers or Rupert Murdoch, and see that they are passed as soon as the check clears. Cf: Wisconsin.

  4. BloviateMe

    Long form, eh?

    …always trying to compensate for personal shortcomings. Can't convince ME size doesn't matter.

  5. Jason_inthe_Peg

    If there's no such thing as a "long form birth certificate" then no candidates for president can appear on the ballot in Tennessee, right?

    So no one in Tennessee can vote for a presidential candidate.

    Is there a downside here?

    1. Ducksworthy

      Very insightful. Thank you. The average IQ of the electoral college goes up 10 points.

  6. OC_Tsunami_Surf_Serf


    (ok y'all…I will take the hits from the downfister and give cover…get in there and snark…GO! GO! GO!)

    1. __kth__

      Well I'm sorry, June, but if you aren't a little forceful with them, they don't behave the way you want them to.

  7. SayItWithWookies

    The long form birth certificate is like pornography to Supreme Court Justices — they may not know what it is, but they know when it's not there.

  8. edgydrifter

    West Virgina will probably pass a law banning Malthusian population dynamics, because it sounds both foreign and elitist.

    1. littlebigdaddy

      They've already got that covered, between diabetes, pickup truck accidents, gun accidents, and exploding stills, they are not experiencing geometric population growth.

  9. MinAgain

    Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Great State of Tennessee. Because I sure as hell don't want it anymore.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Oh dear God, I imagine it must be like Shangri-La and Brigadoon and Generic Tropical Paradise all rolled into one.

  10. Serolf_Divad

    Sounds like the kind of moron local state legislator that a couple of radio shock jocks could trick into sponsoring a bill criminalizing Di-hydroxen Oxide.

    1. sezme

      You make it sound like it's an environmental hazard. They'd never pass a law against something like that.

  11. Come here a minute

    If legislators only wrote laws about things they understand, we wouldn't have any laws at all.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Worse, Sharia law requires Presidents to be born in the United States of American parents. No anchor babies under Sharia Law.

  12. hagajim

    Mae Beavers? What kind of fucked up name is that? Hopefully her middle name isn't Harriet.

    1. Barbara_i

      They could have named her Gay Beavers. I had a friend in high school who was named Gay Seals. She was related to Boots Randolph and Jim Seals of Seals and Croft. Her dad was Dan Seals of England Dan and John Ford Coley. She was greatly relieved when Cathy Tittsworth moved to town, taking some of the pressure off her.

      1. jqheywood

        England Dan and John Ford Coley…man I haven't heard those names since I was an undergrad in Flagstaff. My roomie played them and Dan Fogelberg non-stop. I am still recovering…

  13. Gopherit

    Sigh. It's as inevitable as the force of gravity that these assclowns will be drawn to move to Arizona.

  14. horsedreamer_1

    As DC is not a State, I cannot see how you would be qualifed to run for the Presidency of the United States, either.

    1. tessiee

      Yes, but that was about forcing people to believe in the bible, which is a document *about stuff* that doesn't exist. This latest fuss is about the long form birth certificate, which is a *document* that doesn't exist. So, you see, it's, uh… I got nothin' here.

  15. Extempor[redacted]

    In Tennessee, a Walmart receipt qualifies as a valid long form birth certificate.

  16. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    The worse thing is that, according to the Constitution, if you are President and have a Long Form Birth Certificate, you can impose Sharia Law without congressional authority. I believe that is in Amendment XXXII, which was drafted by Bill Ayers and the Rev. Wright in Barack Obama's den in 1968, before being placed in the Constitution by George Soros via a gift from the Tides Foundation.

  17. DahBoner

    Why them there peoples in Tennis Shoe sure are proud of their ignorance.

    Did this woman have a price tag hanging off her hat?


  18. calibrit

    Eh, your hyper-WASP parents probably lost the long-form birth certificate. I've already lost my daughters' birth certificates, so if they want to be President of Tennessee, they're already out of luck at the age of three. Ho hum.

  19. PublicLuxury

    Mae I see your Beavers is obviously one of Raygun's children from that affair he had with his niece.

  20. jus_wonderin

    So Beavers doesn't know what a Long Form Birth Certificate is so this probably means she doesn't have one either. Mae, thanks for proving your assholedness.

  21. lochnessmonster

    Lawmakers should provide voters with IQ scores. Only fair we know they have a functioning brain before we vote.

  22. ChessieNefercat

    My son was born in Hawaii and his birth certificate looks just like the President's. He's never had any problems with it. Course, he's red-headed, freckled, and blue-eyed, but I'm sure that has nothing to do with it.

    If everything about Pres. Obama's history was the same as what we now know, except that his father was a nice blond boy from Germany, would we have ever, ever, ever, have heard the term "long form birth certificate"?

    1. snoopyfan2010

      Ah, but you're wrong! If a blond, German man had the last name Obama, there would be lots of questions.

          1. ChessieNefercat

            How did I ever miss this? Guess what all my rellies are getting sent to them on Wednesday (Cleveland Irish, that's us.)

    2. tessiee

      "If everything about Pres. Obama's history was the same as what we now know, except that his father was a nice blond boy from Germany, would we have ever, ever, ever, have heard the term "long form birth certificate"? "

      Probably not, but the Teatards would have even more of a field day than they already do calling him a Nazi.

      1. ChessieNefercat

        Eh, never mind Germany, maybe Sweden? Never mind, socialists! I think you're on to something…

  23. ChessieNefercat

    Should it reeeeeeeally be necessary to prove you know ONE. SINGLE. FUCKING. THING. about a bill that you wish to be signed into FUCKING law?

    That you have oh, I don't know, LEARNED (not to worry, I know "research" is a two-syllable word like they use in them illeetust colleges, so I used fucking one syllable "LEARN") the DEFINITION, whoops, sorry, MEANING (there, only two syllables) of the word you are trying to pass crappy unconstitutional laws about?

    Picture, just picture the look on someone like Thomas Jefferson's face dealing with the likes of these one-chromosome-shy-of-a-set fuckers.

    Sorry for the rant and the bad language and the caps. I go drink now, 'kay?

  24. ChessieNefercat

    One more thing, maybe Ms. Beaver wouldn't be quite so quick to introduce this bill if she know jussssst how much incest would be illuminated.

  25. ttommyunger

    No snark, no shit. My son called today and we were discussing scholarship offers my grandson (his son) has received so far. Sadly they were from Kentucky (his home State), Arizona and Tennessee. When I regained my composure, all I could think to say was "Can't he find someplace civilized to matriculate, fer Chrissakes? They still eat with their fucking feet in those states!" Apologies to Wonketeers from those states… At least Texas isn't in the running.

    1. [redacted]hse

      What honestly gets me, though, Tommy, is when they chew with their fucking TOENAILS for chrissake. I mean it gets me right there.

      1. ttommyunger

        Right! I'd give a Nickel to catch Sarah lifting her leg and licking her ass. That would make a pretty front page pix for the Enquirer.

    2. Fare la Nippon

      If your grandson is looking for a great education, Tennessee can offer him Vanderbilt…and that's about it. Not that I'm biased or anything — I'm just graduating from there come the spring, is all.

      Naturally I'm supremely biased against our psycho neighbor just down the road, Bellmont, whose fundie Christian laws don't even let students have sex in their dorm rooms. Seriously. They don't let grown ass college kids get a little sumtin sumtin. They're also a dry campus, so I can only imagine how rockin' those parties are: all the pulse-pounding excitement of a Boggle tournament.

      1. ttommyunger

        Vanderbilt happens to be the one in TN. I'll pass this along, thanks. He is a brilliant young man, straight A's, but his mother, a lovely person, is Filipino. American born, but obviously not caucasian. The young man favors his mother and is nowhere near the knuckle-draggin Missouri shit-kicker his Grampa is, not even close, thank God. I shudder to think of him being injected into an environment where Skoal and pick-up trucks are positives. My apologies to drivers of pick-em-up trucks and dippers everywhere.

  26. snoopyfan2010

    Since they can't define it, couldn't Hawaii just change the title of the document to say "Long Form Birth Certificate", make the term retroactive and be done with this?

    1. LetUsBray

      Oh, I'm sure Glenn Blecch followed by the rest of Teabagger Nation would have some reason why that was just further evidence of whatever secret Commie Nazi Islamofascist Marxist Kenyan soshulist plot the prez is supposedly hatching.

    2. Fare la Nippon

      I'd much prefer they send her a turd in a sack with the words "Long Form Birth Certificate" scrawled in marker.

      1. snoopyfan2010

        Don't do that! They might take it seriously and analyze it to make sure it was his own personal sample from the day of his birth.

  27. Fare la Nippon

    Now you all know why I refer to my beloved legislature as a group of inbred, shifty-eyed Leprechauns.

  28. Schmegeg

    Ipropose that Tennessee State Senators will be prohinited from cohabiting with marmots. That should piss this guy off.

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