NATION OF RETARD GOP LEGISLATORS  1:32 pm March 11, 2011

TN State Senator Writes ‘Long Form Birth Certificate’ Bill, Has No Idea What ‘Long Form Birth Certificate’ Is

by Ken Layne

Across this dumb nation, state legislators are introducing bills against “Sharia,” whoever she might be, and bills requiring all new presidents to have “long form birth certificates,” whatever those happen to be.

Mother Jones reports on this radio appearance by Tennessee state senator Mae Beavers, author of SB 1091, “a bill that would require presidential candidates to present a long-form birth certificate in order to qualify for the ballot.”

Host: What are the specific requirements in the bill?

Sen. Mae Beavers: That they have to have the long form birth certificate.

Host: What is the long form birth certificate?

Sen. Mae Beavers: Now, you’re asking me to get into a lot of things that I haven’t really looked into yet.

Haha, what’s with the “gotcha journalism,” anyway? Here’s another dipshit, who has introduced a bill against “Sharia” even though he hasn’t quite figured out what that term might describe:

Alabama state Sen. Gerald Allen borrowed his own anti-Sharia bill from Wikipedia, and when asked by a reporter what Sharia actually is, said, “I don’t have my file in front of me.”

#winning

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 135 comments }

Gratuitous World March 11, 2011 at 1:38 pm

"Mae Beavers," huh? seems like this birth certificate issue might be derived from a little parental resentment.

or a kenyan muslin.

BloviateMe March 11, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Related to Eton Beavers? That guy was ridiculous popular in the sorority circles.

SorosBot March 11, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Mae Beavers also has a bit of a problem differentiating singular from plural, unless she has some bizarre birth defect.

Gopherit March 11, 2011 at 2:01 pm

She's all set for a porn career if politics doesn't work out (it won't).

SayItWithWookies March 11, 2011 at 2:10 pm

It's actually the name an Indian medicine man gave her. Well, it's the shortened name — the long one was Mae Beavers Swim Up Your Ass and Build a Dam So Shit Starts Coming Out of Your Mouth.

[redacted]byreality March 11, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Coffee out my nose on that one.

jqheywood March 11, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Damn…damn….damn…second time with the diet pepsi on the monitor today….

Steverino247 March 11, 2011 at 3:12 pm

I'm happy to report that it took two tissues to wipe away the tears of laughter after that one. That was out-fucking-standingly funny.

CessnaDriver March 12, 2011 at 3:46 pm

"Father, how did I get my name"

"Son, and indian gets his name by what his father sees after he's born. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

[redacted]byreality March 11, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Wasn't that Opie's sweet old aunt on "The Andy Griffith Show?" I heard she went cat-shit crazy–I guess this is the proof.

Barrelhse March 11, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Aunt Bea.

betweenstations March 11, 2011 at 2:22 pm

"Mae Beavers?"
'May beavers what?'

SorosBot March 11, 2011 at 1:41 pm

A "long form birth certificate" is a bunch bullshit invented by birthers so they could continue with their conspiracy theory after Obama released his birth certificate; so I know something this idiot state Senator does not.

Gopherit March 11, 2011 at 2:03 pm

People from Tennessee probably need a long form birth certificate to list all the possible daddies.

tessiee March 11, 2011 at 9:44 pm

As well as all the different kinds of cakes we like.

Fare la Nippon March 12, 2011 at 9:30 am

Drizzled in cedar cheese.

JustPixelz March 11, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Next up: The Even Longer Form birf cert.

Can anyone produce a birth certificate for Ronald Reagan that satisfies the birthers?

These wingers should be careful what they wish for. Some people can't produce those records — adoptees, for instance. At home births. Family secrets. Fire at the courthouse. Parents' privacy.

Finally, Chief Justice John Roberts swore Obama into office. If these people really believe Obama isn't eligible, they should be calling for Roberts' impeachment.

betweenstations March 11, 2011 at 2:23 pm

The Other Major Candidate last time was born in Panama and had a wacky birth certificate too. Of course, he was white.

DangerHelvetica March 11, 2011 at 6:39 pm

Ah yes, Panamanian Strongman Juan McCain (I really just wanted a chance to say that again).

Steverino247 March 11, 2011 at 3:16 pm

California never issued anything like a "long form" birth certificate. I've seen my original (1954) and post-stepparent adoption (1967) birth certificates and they were identical (and about a half sheet in size) except for the information about the father.

These assholes just don't want a birth certificate that says anything other than "White/Caucasian" on it.

ChessieNefercat March 11, 2011 at 7:13 pm

Yes, two of my children were born in California and you are right, it is a half sheet of paper. My daughter ordered a copy for herself a couple of years ago and it came as a photocopy of the half-sheet on a full sheet of paper. Do you think those cretinous dullards would consider that a "long-form"?

Sparky_McGruff March 12, 2011 at 8:28 am

Is she white? Then that will do fine.

Seriously, my wife had to order a duplicate of her birth certificate (it got lost during our multiple moves, and Virginia needs 19 pieces of identification and a blood sample to get a driver's license). I had to laugh hysterically when it showed up, it's a laser-print, with about six lines of information printed in Comic Sans. The real "birth certificate" is a ledger entry in a book at the county courthouse.

ChessieNefercat March 12, 2011 at 9:08 am

Why, yes, she is white! Blond, too. And blue-eyed. She's not had a speck of trouble with her long-form short-form birth certificate.

Tundra Grifter March 11, 2011 at 4:11 pm

File next to "Drill in ANWR." Doesn't really mean anything – just a phrase to stir people up.

Barbara_i March 11, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Tennessee Legislature just passed a new bill. If you divorce your wife, she’s still your sister, long form divorce or not.

elviouslyqueer March 11, 2011 at 1:45 pm

*sigh*

Your move, Mississippi.

Gopherit March 11, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Imagine my relief to see it wasn't Arizona.

Monsieur_Grumpe March 11, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Michelle Bachamnn is probably thinking to herself " Why didn't I think of that?"
*triple sigh*

problemwithcaring March 11, 2011 at 3:23 pm

You don't have to bother when you have a white, fat-ass governor that calls himself the "Anti-Obama."

Fare la Nippon March 12, 2011 at 9:28 am

I know, hun, I know. Why Memphis and Nashville don't just secede from the state already, I haven't a clue.

Hatrabbit March 11, 2011 at 1:46 pm

I'm sorry, did you say this fuckwit wrote a bill! Like, with words and such?

Tennessee , you exceeded all expectations. Hi-fructose corn syrup shots all round.

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 11, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Actually, almost no Republicans write bills. They simply get them handed to them by lobbyist, the Koch Brothers or Rupert Murdoch, and see that they are passed as soon as the check clears. Cf: Wisconsin.

tessiee March 11, 2011 at 9:48 pm

You and your post, Sir, are both made of awesome.

BloviateMe March 11, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Long form, eh?

…always trying to compensate for personal shortcomings. Can't convince ME size doesn't matter.

Jason_inthe_Peg March 11, 2011 at 1:46 pm

If there's no such thing as a "long form birth certificate" then no candidates for president can appear on the ballot in Tennessee, right?

So no one in Tennessee can vote for a presidential candidate.

Is there a downside here?

Ducksworthy March 11, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Very insightful. Thank you. The average IQ of the electoral college goes up 10 points.

OC_Tsunami_Surf_Serf March 11, 2011 at 1:47 pm

GLENN BECK IS A BIG SLOPPY WET PUSSY

(ok y'all…I will take the hits from the downfister and give cover…get in there and snark…GO! GO! GO!)

LetUsBray March 11, 2011 at 10:52 pm

And a SECRET DONKEY FUCKER.

Fare la Nippon March 12, 2011 at 9:27 am

My heroes.

Schmannnity March 11, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Ward, you were a little rough on the Mae Beavers last night.

__kth__ March 11, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Well I'm sorry, June, but if you aren't a little forceful with them, they don't behave the way you want them to.

Jerri March 11, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Mae Beavers. Glad to see some Hee Haw extras are finally bouncing back and finding work.

MinAgain March 11, 2011 at 2:02 pm

And she's just about that qualified to hold office. The woman is an idiot.

GuanoFaucet March 11, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Was the bill written in crayon? Comic Sans, maybe?

karen March 11, 2011 at 3:00 pm

I'm thinking Chiller. 72 point, on 20 pages.

Tundra Grifter March 11, 2011 at 4:13 pm

For all Mrs. Beavers' understanding of it, probably Comic Sanskrit.

SayItWithWookies March 11, 2011 at 1:56 pm

The long form birth certificate is like pornography to Supreme Court Justices — they may not know what it is, but they know when it's not there.

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 11, 2011 at 3:15 pm

And Clarence Thomas masturbates to both.

ManchuCandidate March 11, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Ali Akbar and the Sultans of Swing.

edgydrifter March 11, 2011 at 1:57 pm

West Virgina will probably pass a law banning Malthusian population dynamics, because it sounds both foreign and elitist.

littlebigdaddy March 12, 2011 at 5:38 am

They've already got that covered, between diabetes, pickup truck accidents, gun accidents, and exploding stills, they are not experiencing geometric population growth.

MinAgain March 11, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Great State of Tennessee. Because I sure as hell don't want it anymore.

ManchuCandidate March 11, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Canada 2.0 looks pretty good at this point to a lot of you folks, doesn't it… eh?

MinAgain March 11, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Dude, you have no idea.

Serolf_Divad March 11, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Honestly, Manchu, Khaddaffi's Libya is looking pretty good at this point.

ChessieNefercat March 11, 2011 at 7:35 pm

Oh dear God, I imagine it must be like Shangri-La and Brigadoon and Generic Tropical Paradise all rolled into one.

imissopus March 11, 2011 at 10:47 pm

I dunno…do you people still have winter up there?

Serolf_Divad March 11, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Sounds like the kind of moron local state legislator that a couple of radio shock jocks could trick into sponsoring a bill criminalizing Di-hydroxen Oxide.

horsedreamer_1 March 11, 2011 at 2:09 pm

It kills more people annually than guns.

sezme March 13, 2011 at 12:58 pm

You make it sound like it's an environmental hazard. They'd never pass a law against something like that.

metamarcisf March 11, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Get the Knack, by Sharona Fleming

Come here a minute March 11, 2011 at 2:05 pm

If legislators only wrote laws about things they understand, we wouldn't have any laws at all.

deanbooth March 11, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Catch 22: Sharia law requires presidents to have a long-form birth certificate.

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 11, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Worse, Sharia law requires Presidents to be born in the United States of American parents. No anchor babies under Sharia Law.

hagajim March 11, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Mae Beavers? What kind of fucked up name is that? Hopefully her middle name isn't Harriet.

Extempor[redacted] March 11, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Her middle name is actually "Fingerbangs".

She gets it from her mother.

Barbara_i March 11, 2011 at 2:17 pm

They could have named her Gay Beavers. I had a friend in high school who was named Gay Seals. She was related to Boots Randolph and Jim Seals of Seals and Croft. Her dad was Dan Seals of England Dan and John Ford Coley. She was greatly relieved when Cathy Tittsworth moved to town, taking some of the pressure off her.

jqheywood March 11, 2011 at 2:45 pm

England Dan and John Ford Coley…man I haven't heard those names since I was an undergrad in Flagstaff. My roomie played them and Dan Fogelberg non-stop. I am still recovering…

Gopherit March 11, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Sigh. It's as inevitable as the force of gravity that these assclowns will be drawn to move to Arizona.

horsedreamer_1 March 11, 2011 at 2:07 pm

As DC is not a State, I cannot see how you would be qualifed to run for the Presidency of the United States, either.

harry_palmer March 11, 2011 at 2:10 pm

This is the state that convicted a guy for teaching evolution, remember.

tessiee March 12, 2011 at 2:36 pm

Yes, but that was about forcing people to believe in the bible, which is a document *about stuff* that doesn't exist. This latest fuss is about the long form birth certificate, which is a *document* that doesn't exist. So, you see, it's, uh… I got nothin' here.

Extempor[redacted] March 11, 2011 at 2:15 pm

In Tennessee, a Walmart receipt qualifies as a valid long form birth certificate.

[redacted]drinker March 11, 2011 at 3:05 pm

CERTIFICATE OF LIVE BIRTH

Name: 3 Catsups
Address: 1 Musturd
Date of birth: Cakes we like
Gender: Tamato

Downfistroll March 12, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Sweet jebus that made me laugh. Upfist for you good sir!

Extempor[redacted] March 11, 2011 at 2:19 pm

If April fevers bring Mae Beavers, what do Mae Beavers bring?

GuanoFaucet March 11, 2011 at 2:25 pm

The stupid?

Cat_Damon March 11, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Justin Biebers!

jqheywood March 11, 2011 at 2:47 pm

FTW!

[redacted]89048 March 11, 2011 at 2:29 pm

Crabs?

Extempor[redacted] March 11, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Pogroms!

Sweet Jeebus, wasn't any y'all retards homescholed?

Schmannnity March 11, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Connie Lindquist?

jqheywood March 11, 2011 at 2:47 pm

This is Dr. Lindquist….is my daughter Connie in the waiting room?

Schmannnity March 11, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Paging Connie Lindquist,. Dr. Ben Dover, report to the OR stat.

FlownOver March 11, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Orthodontically-challenged Pilgrims?

ManchuCandidate March 11, 2011 at 5:28 pm

A visit from the Yeaster Bunny.

jus_wonderin March 11, 2011 at 5:38 pm

June Cleavers?

tessiee March 11, 2011 at 9:58 pm

Brazilian waxes for swimsuit season.

LetUsBray March 11, 2011 at 10:58 pm

Trig?

Sparky_McGruff March 12, 2011 at 8:35 am

Syphilis.

Bonzos_Bed_Time March 11, 2011 at 2:37 pm

What an unfortunate name.

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 11, 2011 at 2:43 pm

The worse thing is that, according to the Constitution, if you are President and have a Long Form Birth Certificate, you can impose Sharia Law without congressional authority. I believe that is in Amendment XXXII, which was drafted by Bill Ayers and the Rev. Wright in Barack Obama's den in 1968, before being placed in the Constitution by George Soros via a gift from the Tides Foundation.

DahBoner March 11, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Why them there peoples in Tennis Shoe sure are proud of their ignorance.

Did this woman have a price tag hanging off her hat?

MINI PEARL NAYSHUN!!!!!!!

calibrit March 11, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Eh, your hyper-WASP parents probably lost the long-form birth certificate. I've already lost my daughters' birth certificates, so if they want to be President of Tennessee, they're already out of luck at the age of three. Ho hum.

FlownOver March 11, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Obama's response: "Scuse me while I whip this out."

fuflans March 11, 2011 at 3:23 pm

oh mae mae mae, don't you have to be pulling over to the side of the road soon?

PublicLuxury March 11, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Mae I see your Beavers is obviously one of Raygun's children from that affair he had with his niece.

WordSaladNation March 11, 2011 at 4:04 pm

Mae Beavers was always the bitchy Golden Girl anyway.

Tundra Grifter March 11, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Actually, I think it was Stevie Wonder: "My ShariAmour."

[redacted]Crusher March 11, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Sam The Sham and The Pharoahs?

V572625694 March 11, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Mattie told Hattie!
One, two, tres, quatro!

tessiee March 12, 2011 at 2:39 pm

Uno, dos!

Yowza!!

*dances*

That song is like the Go-go Ray!

[redacted]Crusher March 11, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Probably scratched on a hunk of hickory bark.

jus_wonderin March 11, 2011 at 5:35 pm

So Beavers doesn't know what a Long Form Birth Certificate is so this probably means she doesn't have one either. Mae, thanks for proving your assholedness.

lochnessmonster March 11, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Lawmakers should provide voters with IQ scores. Only fair we know they have a functioning brain before we vote.

Limeylizzie March 11, 2011 at 7:08 pm

Is May Beavers the distaff form of Cocktober?

[redacted]hse March 11, 2011 at 11:28 pm

Or the result of June Cleavers?

ChessieNefercat March 11, 2011 at 7:11 pm

My son was born in Hawaii and his birth certificate looks just like the President's. He's never had any problems with it. Course, he's red-headed, freckled, and blue-eyed, but I'm sure that has nothing to do with it.

If everything about Pres. Obama's history was the same as what we now know, except that his father was a nice blond boy from Germany, would we have ever, ever, ever, have heard the term "long form birth certificate"?

snoopyfan2010 March 11, 2011 at 8:03 pm

Ah, but you're wrong! If a blond, German man had the last name Obama, there would be lots of questions.

ChessieNefercat March 12, 2011 at 8:57 am

Through in an apostrophe? O'Bama? Would that work?

Fare la Nippon March 12, 2011 at 9:36 am

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HplZ_taHXLM

I warn you: this song won't leave your head for days.

ChessieNefercat March 12, 2011 at 10:17 am

How did I ever miss this? Guess what all my rellies are getting sent to them on Wednesday (Cleveland Irish, that's us.)

snoopyfan2010 March 12, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Why did I click the linky? Now I'm singing that song all day.

ChessieNefercat March 12, 2011 at 10:14 am

Eek. Typo. Edit: Throw…

snoopyfan2010 March 12, 2011 at 3:08 pm

Never thought of that. My mistake.

tessiee March 11, 2011 at 9:51 pm

"If everything about Pres. Obama's history was the same as what we now know, except that his father was a nice blond boy from Germany, would we have ever, ever, ever, have heard the term "long form birth certificate"? "

Probably not, but the Teatards would have even more of a field day than they already do calling him a Nazi.

ChessieNefercat March 12, 2011 at 9:03 am

Eh, never mind Germany, maybe Sweden? Never mind, socialists! I think you're on to something…

ChessieNefercat March 11, 2011 at 7:24 pm

Should it reeeeeeeally be necessary to prove you know ONE. SINGLE. FUCKING. THING. about a bill that you wish to be signed into FUCKING law?

That you have oh, I don't know, LEARNED (not to worry, I know "research" is a two-syllable word like they use in them illeetust colleges, so I used fucking one syllable "LEARN") the DEFINITION, whoops, sorry, MEANING (there, only two syllables) of the word you are trying to pass crappy unconstitutional laws about?

Picture, just picture the look on someone like Thomas Jefferson's face dealing with the likes of these one-chromosome-shy-of-a-set fuckers.

Sorry for the rant and the bad language and the caps. I go drink now, 'kay?

ChessieNefercat March 11, 2011 at 7:26 pm

One more thing, maybe Ms. Beaver wouldn't be quite so quick to introduce this bill if she know jussssst how much incest would be illuminated.

ttommyunger March 11, 2011 at 8:03 pm

No snark, no shit. My son called today and we were discussing scholarship offers my grandson (his son) has received so far. Sadly they were from Kentucky (his home State), Arizona and Tennessee. When I regained my composure, all I could think to say was "Can't he find someplace civilized to matriculate, fer Chrissakes? They still eat with their fucking feet in those states!" Apologies to Wonketeers from those states… At least Texas isn't in the running.

[redacted]hse March 11, 2011 at 11:34 pm

What honestly gets me, though, Tommy, is when they chew with their fucking TOENAILS for chrissake. I mean it gets me right there.

ttommyunger March 12, 2011 at 9:30 am

Right! I'd give a Nickel to catch Sarah lifting her leg and licking her ass. That would make a pretty front page pix for the Enquirer.

[redacted]hse March 12, 2011 at 11:01 am

lol

Fare la Nippon March 12, 2011 at 9:47 am

If your grandson is looking for a great education, Tennessee can offer him Vanderbilt…and that's about it. Not that I'm biased or anything — I'm just graduating from there come the spring, is all.

Naturally I'm supremely biased against our psycho neighbor just down the road, Bellmont, whose fundie Christian laws don't even let students have sex in their dorm rooms. Seriously. They don't let grown ass college kids get a little sumtin sumtin. They're also a dry campus, so I can only imagine how rockin' those parties are: all the pulse-pounding excitement of a Boggle tournament.

ttommyunger March 12, 2011 at 10:25 am

Vanderbilt happens to be the one in TN. I'll pass this along, thanks. He is a brilliant young man, straight A's, but his mother, a lovely person, is Filipino. American born, but obviously not caucasian. The young man favors his mother and is nowhere near the knuckle-draggin Missouri shit-kicker his Grampa is, not even close, thank God. I shudder to think of him being injected into an environment where Skoal and pick-up trucks are positives. My apologies to drivers of pick-em-up trucks and dippers everywhere.

snoopyfan2010 March 11, 2011 at 8:05 pm

Since they can't define it, couldn't Hawaii just change the title of the document to say "Long Form Birth Certificate", make the term retroactive and be done with this?

LetUsBray March 12, 2011 at 1:35 am

Oh, I'm sure Glenn Blecch followed by the rest of Teabagger Nation would have some reason why that was just further evidence of whatever secret Commie Nazi Islamofascist Marxist Kenyan soshulist plot the prez is supposedly hatching.

ChessieNefercat March 12, 2011 at 10:13 am

Yeah, the one he started hatching in the womb.

Fare la Nippon March 12, 2011 at 9:52 am

I'd much prefer they send her a turd in a sack with the words "Long Form Birth Certificate" scrawled in marker.

snoopyfan2010 March 12, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Don't do that! They might take it seriously and analyze it to make sure it was his own personal sample from the day of his birth.

Fare la Nippon March 12, 2011 at 9:38 am

Now you all know why I refer to my beloved legislature as a group of inbred, shifty-eyed Leprechauns.

snoopyfan2010 March 12, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Did you try hiding their gold?

Schmegeg March 12, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Ipropose that Tennessee State Senators will be prohinited from cohabiting with marmots. That should piss this guy off.

Angry_Marmot March 12, 2011 at 7:26 pm

It'll make me rest easier, I tell you for true.

SheriffRoscoe March 12, 2011 at 5:49 pm

This is known, technically speaking, as talking out of one's ass.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: