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BREAKING: Ohio Safe From Tsunamis

Climb down from Mt. Buckeye-Fuji, everyone! It's safe now!
THIS JUST IN: radio station 93.9 WMIA, Feel Good Music With the Best Variety, is reporting that Ohio won’t be swallowed up by Pacific Ocean tsunamis originating on the other side of the globe, according to an official at the oxymoronic “Ohio Seismic Network.” Everyone please immediately make your way to Ohio. It’s the only safe place on Earth (unless you’re a union member).

Don’t expect the Japan earthquake to have any impact on Ohio. So reports Michael Hansen of the Ohio Seismic Network.

Whew.

So far this year there have been no earthquakes in Ohio.

That seems strange. How many tsunamis have they had this year?

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(Copyright 2011 Clear Channel, all rights reserved.)

Okay, this dumbfuckery makes sense now. And it’s going to appear on the websites of approximately every Clear Channel station in the country.

Once again: Ohio is SAFE from Japanese tsunami attack. But you will still probably die of boredom if you go there. [93.9 MIA]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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134 comments

    1. chascates

      She just tweeted:
      Prayers for Japan in these turbulent times. May recovery be swift and complete after this earthquake and tsunami. 3 minutes ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®
      So she's still in the game.

  1. GuanoFaucet

    Good thing tsunamis don't strike in Ohio. It's hard to outrun the waves on a hoveround.

  2. [redacted]byreality

    More proof that seismic/volcano/tsunami warnings are completely unnecessary and should be defunded. NPR, also.

  3. V572625694

    This is pre The Onion. Goes back to the National Lampoon Sunday newspaper parody, with the headline:

    TWO DACRON TOURISTS MUST CANCEL VACATIONS
    Japan destroyed by earthquake

    1. sezme

      Yeah, and there was a Boston Globe parody in the 80s with an article about a Boston man killed in a nuclear bomb attack on New York City.

      1. SorosBot

        That's more real life than satire. I just checked my local paper and got these:
        http://www.philly.com/philly/news/breaking/201103

        Temple students in Japan shaken

        The dean of Temple University's Japan campus said in a middle-of-the-night interview that students and staff there are safe and unhurt in the aftermath of a devastating earthquake.

        http://www.philly.com/philly/news/breaking/201103

        Delco student in Japan: ‘It shook for 5 minutes’

        Delaware County resident Samantha Landau was outside Tokyo when the earthquake struck today.

        1. sezme

          Actual (ok, not really) Fox News headline:
          "Real US Americans Saved by Jesus While Pagan-Worshipping Nips Smitten Down."

  4. karen

    Could we get some localized tsunamis at least? Maybe one casually washing away the governor's mansion? Or perhaps just wipe out Cincinnati, please.

  5. SmutBoffin

    Fun facts about Ohio

    1) the buckeye is a kind of inedible nut
    2) Cincinnati is not as nice as WKRP would have you believe
    3) that's it

    1. Weenus299

      The Wright Brothers fled Dayton and flew their aeroplane-fagizment under the bright blue sky of that utopian North Carolina.

        1. karen

          We desperately cling to "First in Flight", otherwise we're just the state that has some old guy who went to space that one time.

          1. horsedreamer_1

            I thought North Carolina was "First in Flight" while Ohio was "Birthplace of Aviation".

          2. karen

            Ah you are correct. They changed the plates recently to some kind of weird cow's pasture fantasy, I forgot the old ones already. Too lazy to google it, also.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        The reason the Wright Brothers invented the airplane was to get the fuck out of Dayton.

    2. OneDollarJuana

      My entire experience in Cincinnati consisted of drinking Maker's Mark bourbon from a Sierra cup while slowly moving through town during rush hour. Whiskey makes rush hour so much more bearable.

  6. Ducksworthy

    2012 may be coming early this year. Saturday the moon will be closer to earth than its been since 1992 and you know what happened then.

  7. Barbara_i

    This is good news for Boener's state. The Ohio cows are safe and now we won't have to spend our Friday, watching him cry over spilled milk.

  8. baconzgood

    And if it did, no big deal.

    I hate SLOWHIO. Every time I drive to Chicago I get a ticket. Seriously Ohio Turnpike why can't I go 108 MPH?

    1. fuflans

      HA! my former (road warrier) colleagues and i used to say ohio should just be rolled up like a rug so you could from chicago to the east coast more effeciently.

  9. Weenus299

    w-MIA? Really? Those are the call letters you pick? Sweet Jesus, you need to be affected by a tsunami.

    1. deanbooth

      Hey, Columbus isn't bad. We had thousands of protesters downtown last week — why can't we have some of that Wisconsin-love.

      Besides, Wonkette looks the same no matter where you are (as far as I know).

      1. [redacted]drinker

        Hey, I'm here too! Maybe someday we can have a Wonkette meet-up at the Surly Girl Saloon and get drunker than drunk together. I mean, since the world's apparently ending. And for freedom. Also.

        1. HistoriCat

          So who's going to organize the Wonkette meet-up thingies? Regional Wonkette meet-ups sound like a great idea. Or would it ruin the magic to learn that I am not actually as good looking as I appear in this picture?

    2. Negropolis

      But, thank god for Michigan, right? I thought that's what all of the other Great Lakes say about us. Yeah, we feel you guys laughing behind our back.

  10. Serolf_Divad

    I can report that Baltimore seems to have survived the Tokyo earthquake, too. Could someone please let my mom know I'm OK?

    1. occams8ball

      Whenever I see you post I feel a sense of reassurance, like there is an adult in the room. Thank you.

    2. CalamityJames

      "Yes, Mrs. Divad? What? What do you mean there's no one there by that name? Hello? Hello?"

      Don't you love those phone conversations where you only hear one side and you still don't miss a thing? Anyway, dude, I think your mom moved or something.

  11. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    I find ominous that WMIA is completely silent about Ohio's prospects for a Martian invasion.

  12. Thurman Munster IV

    This is straight out of 'That was the week that was,'

    "The world ended today, but in the test match between England and the West Indies…"

  13. SorosBot

    Ohio may not have had any earthquakes yet, but it's next to parts of Pennsylvania where Tom Corbett's new fracking natural gas mining is going on, so watch out, it may be next.

    1. UpfistFairy

      And once he and Toomey start drilling up Lake Erie for orl, they're definitely fucked.

      1. SorosBot

        I wish; that Tom Corbett probably wouldn't be trying to ruin his state with spending cut while refusing to tax energy companies even one cent while they poison our drinking water.

    2. edgydrifter

      And if fire starts pouring out of your shower faucet, it was already like that, and it's a natural phenomenon, and shut up.

      1. pollosmoky

        Indeed, I was there for one, thought it was snow falling off the roof! As far as I can recall, though, no Lake Erie tsunamis, just flames from the Cuyahoga.

    1. Serolf_Divad

      Tokyo has public universities. And what good did it do them? All that book learnin' couldn't stop the tsunami.*

      *Which was probably God's way of laughing at book learnin' BTW.

  14. Mumbletypeg

    This is bad news for Ohioans who were all set to keep their head above water, making a wave when they can.
    THe good news is there are still (not-so-) temporary layoffs, easy crime & rip-offs, suffering and surviving, and that last part I couldn't quite catch.

  15. [redacted]byreality

    Sun still comes up in the morning, goes down at night. Tune in later for explanation from Bill O'Reilly.

    1. UpfistFairy

      That idiot's explanation of the tides has become mine and Mr. Fairy's explanation for everything we don't feel like explaining. It's like Bill O'Reilly watched Joe Dirt a couple times and thought, "Man, that guy makes a lot of sense".

  16. Gopherit

    I am sure someone in Ohio was really sweating this one.
    might be full of stupid but it's still not as fucktarded as Arizona.

  17. edgydrifter

    But what about Cyclone Yasi? Is it safe for Sanduskians to come out of their storm shelters yet?

      1. Extempor[redacted]

        No shit.

        I was just about to make a "tsunami hits Ohio/aftermath indistinguishable" comment, but…well, I guess I just did.

  18. MinAgain

    Sing with me, people…

    This summer I hear the drumming,
    None dead in O-hi-o!

    What? Too soon?

  19. hagajim

    Fine – I will be safe from a tsunami in Ohio….but I will be exposed to the dreaded Orange Tide.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      The ruins of a formerly great civilization?

      Or the wacky conservative religious leadership that seems more interested in their personal power than what is best for the people?

  20. Come here a minute

    But it couldn't hurt to move a few steps back from Lake Erie, just to be on the safe side.

    1. natoslug

      If Republicans really cared for the common man, they'd outlaw both earthquakes and tsunamis. Or at least lock them up.

  21. Wadisay

    Maybe if the Japanese would orange up their skin a little more, like Boehner, they could be tsunami-free, too.

  22. DahBoner

    Well, at least this proves NUCLEAR ENERGY IS 100% SAFE.

    I mean, it's IMPOSSIBLE for backup generators to fail, right?

    This can only be good news for the Koch Brothers…

    ""If they can't restore power to the plant (and cool the reactor), then there's the possibility of some sort of core meltdown," he said" http://www.cnn.com/2011/WORLD/asiapcf/03/11/japan

    NEEDZ MOAR COOLANT!!!!!

  23. sezme

    Don't breathe easy just yet, Ohioans, at least not until you get the green light from the Ohio Volcanic Network.

  24. [redacted]89048

    I've already got my tidal generator in place, waiting for California to get out of the way of my ocean.

  25. prommie

    What I love about the US is that we are, as a nation, so cosmopolitan, not parochial or self-absorbed at all.

  26. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    For Clear Channel, shouldn't it read something like:

    The Tsunami is coming. The Liberals want you to think you are safe in the protective arms of big government. But how safe can you be?

    Join us from 8-11 am when the Glenn Beck show will discuss the funding that George Soros and the Tides Foundation has put into Tsunamis, and how along with the Muslim Brotherhood, they are hoping to spread chaos throughout the world with their wave of "green" power in order to bring forth a Reform-Jewish/Islamic Caliphate in the US.

    Then , from 11-2, It's the Rush Limbaugh Show, where Rush will discuss his personal relationship with Tsunamis, and how the Obama Administration is showing continued weakness by not launching immediate air strikes on the Pacific Ocean.

    Cont……

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Finally, from 2-5, Sean Hannity will have Dick Morris and Scott Rasmussen on to discuss the Tsunami's collapsing poll numbers, Obama's secret relationship with Tsunami's in his youth as detailed in Dreams of My Father and NPR's continue cover-up of the liberal funding sources that have allowed Tsunami's to threaten our great country for the last fifty years.

      The threat to Ohio from Tsunamis have never been greater. But with WMIA and its line up of Conservative Talk, you have a chance to survive, even if the rest of Ohio remains MIA!

      WMIA: Turning the Pacific into a Giant Tea Party One Bag at a Time!

  27. EdFlintstone

    Ohioans never had to worry about the tsunami striking because Kasich would of just fired it if it did.

    Ohio state motto—at least we're not Kentucky.

  28. Hera Sent Me

    After the news, stay tune for this week's report by the WMIA investigative team. Today's topic: "Socks. Is it better to sort them by color or texture?"

  29. problemwithcaring

    JAPAN EARTHQUAKE WILL HAVE NO EFFECT ON OHIO
    But Tsunami of Stupid Overtaking State Proceeds Apace

  30. Baikonur

    OT and no snark, but Cincinnati is a beautiful city. Sad to see it and Ohio in general trashed (verbally here and much more so, physically in reality at all times). The largest Federally designated historical district in the country is there (Over the Rhine). Built on 7 hills (like Rome :)), many great music venues and a huge University. I fled it for the East Coast as soon as I could (with a short detour in New Orleans), but Cincinnati is a wonderful relic of what mid-America could have been.

    1. [redacted]Crusher

      Having been in Ohio on many occasions, I tend to agree with you. The part I don't understand about the people of Ohio, is how a group of people that depend so much on industry and union presence act like a bunch of hillbillies from Kentucky and West Virginia.
      The first time I went there, I was shocked at how anti-labor the common person is. It seems to be a badge of honor to be treated like shit by their corporate overlords.

      1. Baikonur

        I noticed this 'badge of honor to be treated like shit by their corporate overlords' mentality all over the Midwest. As nice as people are supposed to be in the Midwest, there is definitely a censorious small town ethos that I can't figure out. Why is it there? Puritan origins? Farmer mentality? Mostly Germanic ethnic background? Dark Appalachian backwardness of the people who flooded Ohio in the 30's and 40's?

        A lot of anti-union sentiment I think is pure spite: 'how dare these people have better benefits/more days off/more secure jobs than me?' Instead of working toward organizing and creating these better work condifitons for themselves, the spiteful people attack those who are just a rung up the ladder from them.

        I find the Midwest very depressing, even though it has lots of beauty and charm also.

    2. zhubajie

      Cinti has the highest elevation in Ohio: Mount Trashmore. Jerry Springer used to be mayor of Cincinnati, till he have a back check to a hooker.

  31. user-of-owls

    If the Republicans disembowel NOAA, as is their wont, then tsunamis will in fact be unknown on the west coast.

    They will be utterly unknown until the very moment they are washing you out to a watery grave.

  32. chascates

    The real horror will start when Gamera, Mothra and Godzilla awaken from their slumber and fight it out over the Japanese islands.

  33. user-of-owls

    The Ohio Seismic Network? God, that's gotta be a beehive of activity. I mean, not as busy as the Hawaii Blizzard Center, but still…

  34. PublicLuxury

    Gawddamned Japs still trying to attack the 'Merica. Where's my WWII era bayonet and bottle of corn syrup? I'll teach those sneaky bastards a lesson. Power up the mobility scooter. Here I come!!!!!!

  35. PublicLuxury

    The governor of Michigan, HRH Synder, has issued a proclamation declaring the end to tsunamis in Michigan forever. Nevar Forget

  36. ThundercatHo

    Know what else we are safe from here in Ohio? Democrats, gays, intellectual stimulation, culture, bookstores, ,,,,,,,,, However, I'm not sure, but there may be a couple of Muslim's so homeland security is still standing by.

  37. Chi_town_Vinny

    Say what you want about Ohio – you can still get a $5 lap dance there – although she might not have all her teeth.

  38. ttommyunger

    Ohio also safe from intelligence, introspection, common sense, compassion and clean arteries.

  39. Blendergoathead

    So, was this written by one of the "me-write-for-free" monkeys that just got axed from the AOL/HuffPo?

  40. Negropolis

    I can report that Grand Rapids and the rest of West Michigan were wholly swallowed up by Lake Michigan, last night.

    Gawd, one can only hope. Release the Asian Carp!

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