DOMO ARIGATO MR. GODBOTO  1:25 pm March 11, 2011

BREAKING: Ohio Safe From Tsunamis

by Jack Stuef

Climb down from Mt. Buckeye-Fuji, everyone! It's safe now!
THIS JUST IN: radio station 93.9 WMIA, Feel Good Music With the Best Variety, is reporting that Ohio won’t be swallowed up by Pacific Ocean tsunamis originating on the other side of the globe, according to an official at the oxymoronic “Ohio Seismic Network.” Everyone please immediately make your way to Ohio. It’s the only safe place on Earth (unless you’re a union member).

Don’t expect the Japan earthquake to have any impact on Ohio. So reports Michael Hansen of the Ohio Seismic Network.


So far this year there have been no earthquakes in Ohio.

That seems strange. How many tsunamis have they had this year?

Get breaking news sent to your mobile phone. Text “news” to 21095.

Do it! It may save your life!

(Copyright 2011 Clear Channel, all rights reserved.)

Okay, this dumbfuckery makes sense now. And it’s going to appear on the websites of approximately every Clear Channel station in the country.

Once again: Ohio is SAFE from Japanese tsunami attack. But you will still probably die of boredom if you go there. [93.9 MIA]

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Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


[redacted]MakesGoo March 11, 2011 at 1:29 pm

But is Sarah Palin OK?

chascates March 11, 2011 at 8:13 pm

She just tweeted:
Prayers for Japan in these turbulent times. May recovery be swift and complete after this earthquake and tsunami. 3 minutes ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®
So she's still in the game.

GuanoFaucet March 11, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Good thing tsunamis don't strike in Ohio. It's hard to outrun the waves on a hoveround.

sallysubterfuge March 11, 2011 at 3:07 pm

Wonkette challenge: Incorporate hoveround joke into every post somehow.

KeepFnThatChicken April 4, 2011 at 5:21 pm

Today, we are all tsunami-safe hoveround regurgitators.

[redacted]byreality March 11, 2011 at 1:29 pm

More proof that seismic/volcano/tsunami warnings are completely unnecessary and should be defunded. NPR, also.

V572625694 March 11, 2011 at 1:31 pm

This is pre The Onion. Goes back to the National Lampoon Sunday newspaper parody, with the headline:

Japan destroyed by earthquake

sezme March 11, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Yeah, and there was a Boston Globe parody in the 80s with an article about a Boston man killed in a nuclear bomb attack on New York City.

SorosBot March 11, 2011 at 2:24 pm

That's more real life than satire. I just checked my local paper and got these:

Temple students in Japan shaken

The dean of Temple University's Japan campus said in a middle-of-the-night interview that students and staff there are safe and unhurt in the aftermath of a devastating earthquake.

Delco student in Japan: ‘It shook for 5 minutes’

Delaware County resident Samantha Landau was outside Tokyo when the earthquake struck today.

sezme March 11, 2011 at 2:42 pm

Actual (ok, not really) Fox News headline:
"Real US Americans Saved by Jesus While Pagan-Worshipping Nips Smitten Down."

karen March 11, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Could we get some localized tsunamis at least? Maybe one casually washing away the governor's mansion? Or perhaps just wipe out Cincinnati, please.

SmutBoffin March 11, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Fun facts about Ohio

1) the buckeye is a kind of inedible nut
2) Cincinnati is not as nice as WKRP would have you believe
3) that's it

baconzgood March 11, 2011 at 1:36 pm

4) Cleveland still sucks.

SorosBot March 11, 2011 at 1:38 pm

You mean Drew Carey lied to us when he said it rocks?

SmutBoffin March 11, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Also, 30 Rock.

sezme March 11, 2011 at 2:09 pm
baconzgood March 11, 2011 at 2:46 pm

I've seen those before.

Weenus299 March 11, 2011 at 1:46 pm

The Wright Brothers fled Dayton and flew their aeroplane-fagizment under the bright blue sky of that utopian North Carolina.

SmutBoffin March 11, 2011 at 2:14 pm


karen March 11, 2011 at 2:42 pm

We desperately cling to "First in Flight", otherwise we're just the state that has some old guy who went to space that one time.

horsedreamer_1 March 11, 2011 at 2:46 pm

I thought North Carolina was "First in Flight" while Ohio was "Birthplace of Aviation".

LibrulEleet March 11, 2011 at 8:20 pm

Well, twice, but only once while he was old.

BaldarTFlagass March 12, 2011 at 12:45 pm

The reason the Wright Brothers invented the airplane was to get the fuck out of Dayton.

OneDollarJuana March 11, 2011 at 1:56 pm

My entire experience in Cincinnati consisted of drinking Maker's Mark bourbon from a Sierra cup while slowly moving through town during rush hour. Whiskey makes rush hour so much more bearable.

[redacted]Crusher March 11, 2011 at 3:52 pm

5) everyone has the last name of Taft.

Ducksworthy March 11, 2011 at 1:33 pm

2012 may be coming early this year. Saturday the moon will be closer to earth than its been since 1992 and you know what happened then.

[redacted]byreality March 11, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Canadians won the World Series?

Weenus299 March 11, 2011 at 1:52 pm

I'll turn 21 again and get even more fucked up?

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 11, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Bill Clinton and Hillary slept together for the last time?

[redacted]drinker March 11, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Hip Hop was still good?

[redacted]Crusher March 11, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Kajagoogoo broke up?

SorosBot March 11, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Carson retired, and Leno dig his first fucking over of a fellow NBC host?

Barbara_i March 11, 2011 at 1:34 pm

This is good news for Boener's state. The Ohio cows are safe and now we won't have to spend our Friday, watching him cry over spilled milk.

nounverb911 March 11, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Does the milk spill when the cows are tipped?

baconzgood March 11, 2011 at 1:34 pm

And if it did, no big deal.

I hate SLOWHIO. Every time I drive to Chicago I get a ticket. Seriously Ohio Turnpike why can't I go 108 MPH?

fuflans March 11, 2011 at 2:39 pm

HA! my former (road warrier) colleagues and i used to say ohio should just be rolled up like a rug so you could from chicago to the east coast more effeciently.

Weenus299 March 11, 2011 at 1:34 pm

w-MIA? Really? Those are the call letters you pick? Sweet Jesus, you need to be affected by a tsunami.

EatsBabyDingos March 11, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Like KGUN in Aridzona

ManchuCandidate March 11, 2011 at 1:35 pm

The only Tsunami that has hit Ohio is Diabeetus 2.

It really is all about you, isn't it?

ifthethunderdontgetya March 11, 2011 at 1:38 pm


The bad news is I'm still living in Ohio.


deanbooth March 11, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Hey, Columbus isn't bad. We had thousands of protesters downtown last week — why can't we have some of that Wisconsin-love.

Besides, Wonkette looks the same no matter where you are (as far as I know).

ifthethunderdontgetya March 11, 2011 at 2:15 pm

I was one of them!

See my pics and video.

P.S. This was from the first rally a couple weeks ago.

[redacted]drinker March 11, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Hey, I'm here too! Maybe someday we can have a Wonkette meet-up at the Surly Girl Saloon and get drunker than drunk together. I mean, since the world's apparently ending. And for freedom. Also.

HistoriCat March 11, 2011 at 3:18 pm

So who's going to organize the Wonkette meet-up thingies? Regional Wonkette meet-ups sound like a great idea. Or would it ruin the magic to learn that I am not actually as good looking as I appear in this picture?

twaingirl March 11, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Me too, me too. Time to get drunk.

Negropolis March 12, 2011 at 12:00 am

But, thank god for Michigan, right? I thought that's what all of the other Great Lakes say about us. Yeah, we feel you guys laughing behind our back.

Serolf_Divad March 11, 2011 at 1:39 pm

I can report that Baltimore seems to have survived the Tokyo earthquake, too. Could someone please let my mom know I'm OK?

occams8ball March 11, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Whenever I see you post I feel a sense of reassurance, like there is an adult in the room. Thank you.

Serolf_Divad March 14, 2011 at 12:49 pm

OMG, that's too much responsibility!

CalamityJames March 11, 2011 at 11:26 pm

"Yes, Mrs. Divad? What? What do you mean there's no one there by that name? Hello? Hello?"

Don't you love those phone conversations where you only hear one side and you still don't miss a thing? Anyway, dude, I think your mom moved or something.

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum March 11, 2011 at 1:39 pm

I find ominous that WMIA is completely silent about Ohio's prospects for a Martian invasion.

Weenus299 March 11, 2011 at 1:44 pm

WUFO, however, reports that the pulsating objects in the sky were just aerial tsunamis.

Thurman Munster IV March 11, 2011 at 1:39 pm

This is straight out of 'That was the week that was,'

"The world ended today, but in the test match between England and the West Indies…"

SorosBot March 11, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Ohio may not have had any earthquakes yet, but it's next to parts of Pennsylvania where Tom Corbett's new fracking natural gas mining is going on, so watch out, it may be next.

UpfistFairy March 11, 2011 at 1:47 pm

And once he and Toomey start drilling up Lake Erie for orl, they're definitely fucked.

Weenus299 March 11, 2011 at 1:55 pm
UpfistFairy March 11, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Space Cadet, indeed.

SorosBot March 11, 2011 at 2:00 pm

I wish; that Tom Corbett probably wouldn't be trying to ruin his state with spending cut while refusing to tax energy companies even one cent while they poison our drinking water.

edgydrifter March 11, 2011 at 2:10 pm

And if fire starts pouring out of your shower faucet, it was already like that, and it's a natural phenomenon, and shut up.

Radio[redacted]™ March 11, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Ohio, oddly, does have an occasional tremor. Frack me.

pollosmoky March 11, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Indeed, I was there for one, thought it was snow falling off the roof! As far as I can recall, though, no Lake Erie tsunamis, just flames from the Cuyahoga.

Angry_Marmot March 12, 2011 at 7:36 pm

New Madrid fault, FTW.

[redacted]drinker March 11, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Well good, hopefully it takes out Steubenville.

not that Dewey March 11, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Ohio will now defund all public universities, because why not?

Serolf_Divad March 11, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Tokyo has public universities. And what good did it do them? All that book learnin' couldn't stop the tsunami.*

*Which was probably God's way of laughing at book learnin' BTW.

ManchuCandidate March 11, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Except Footbawl and Basketball.

not that Dewey March 11, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Goodbye, Columbus.

Oblios_Cap March 11, 2011 at 1:40 pm

But, isn't Ohio on a Great Lake? Lake Eerie, I believe.

SorosBot March 11, 2011 at 2:00 pm

The least great of them.

karen March 11, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Do you not want any of our mutated Walleye? They are good fried with panko.

[redacted]drinker March 11, 2011 at 2:52 pm

And what about the 3-eyed Perch? C'mon people, that's good eatin'!

Buckminster March 11, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Clear Channel! Well, that explains a lot.

Mumbletypeg March 11, 2011 at 1:43 pm

This is bad news for Ohioans who were all set to keep their head above water, making a wave when they can.
THe good news is there are still (not-so-) temporary layoffs, easy crime & rip-offs, suffering and surviving, and that last part I couldn't quite catch.

[redacted]byreality March 11, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Sun still comes up in the morning, goes down at night. Tune in later for explanation from Bill O'Reilly.

UpfistFairy March 11, 2011 at 1:56 pm

That idiot's explanation of the tides has become mine and Mr. Fairy's explanation for everything we don't feel like explaining. It's like Bill O'Reilly watched Joe Dirt a couple times and thought, "Man, that guy makes a lot of sense".

Gopherit March 11, 2011 at 1:47 pm

I am sure someone in Ohio was really sweating this one.
might be full of stupid but it's still not as fucktarded as Arizona.

owhatever March 11, 2011 at 1:47 pm

But what about WISCONSIN? The unions have illegally created a tsunami.

edgydrifter March 11, 2011 at 1:49 pm

But what about Cyclone Yasi? Is it safe for Sanduskians to come out of their storm shelters yet?

Extempor[redacted] March 11, 2011 at 1:50 pm

I went back to Ohio, but my city was gone.

FNMA March 11, 2011 at 1:53 pm

I always wondered, How could she tell?

Extempor[redacted] March 11, 2011 at 1:59 pm

No shit.

I was just about to make a "tsunami hits Ohio/aftermath indistinguishable" comment, but…well, I guess I just did.

Hatrabbit March 11, 2011 at 1:51 pm

The tsunami is actually more relieved than Ohians at this news.

MinAgain March 11, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Sing with me, people…

This summer I hear the drumming,
None dead in O-hi-o!

What? Too soon?

natoslug March 11, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Not too soon. Just disappointing. I was looking forward to the looting fest.

[redacted]Crusher March 11, 2011 at 4:10 pm

In Ohio?

hagajim March 11, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Fine – I will be safe from a tsunami in Ohio….but I will be exposed to the dreaded Orange Tide.

SayItWithWookies March 11, 2011 at 1:54 pm

That's something else Ohio has in common with Afghanistan.

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 11, 2011 at 2:11 pm

The ruins of a formerly great civilization?

Or the wacky conservative religious leadership that seems more interested in their personal power than what is best for the people?

SayItWithWookies March 11, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Why not both?

FNMA March 11, 2011 at 2:47 pm

You are assuming that Ohio once was host to a "great civilization."

Come here a minute March 11, 2011 at 2:58 pm

It was a long time ago.

Come here a minute March 11, 2011 at 1:55 pm

But it couldn't hurt to move a few steps back from Lake Erie, just to be on the safe side.

Clancy_Pants March 11, 2011 at 1:57 pm

But what does Bobby Jindal think?

Serolf_Divad March 11, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Ominous voice: It could happen right here!

natoslug March 11, 2011 at 2:20 pm

If Republicans really cared for the common man, they'd outlaw both earthquakes and tsunamis. Or at least lock them up.

FNMA March 11, 2011 at 2:45 pm

No, it would be: Could it happen here? Find out at 11.

Wadisay March 11, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Maybe if the Japanese would orange up their skin a little more, like Boehner, they could be tsunami-free, too.

DahBoner March 11, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Well, at least this proves NUCLEAR ENERGY IS 100% SAFE.

I mean, it's IMPOSSIBLE for backup generators to fail, right?

This can only be good news for the Koch Brothers…

""If they can't restore power to the plant (and cool the reactor), then there's the possibility of some sort of core meltdown," he said"


sezme March 11, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Don't breathe easy just yet, Ohioans, at least not until you get the green light from the Ohio Volcanic Network.

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 11, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Find, Ohio is safe from the Tsunami.

But what about Godzilla?

nounverb911 March 11, 2011 at 2:20 pm

He's playing for Oakland this year.

zhubajie March 11, 2011 at 7:49 pm

Don't forget the cockroach that ate Cincinnati

MadBrahms March 11, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Oh no, not the *corn tsunami*!

[redacted]89048 March 11, 2011 at 2:12 pm

I've already got my tidal generator in place, waiting for California to get out of the way of my ocean.

prommie March 11, 2011 at 2:27 pm

What I love about the US is that we are, as a nation, so cosmopolitan, not parochial or self-absorbed at all.

Lionel[redacted]Esq March 11, 2011 at 2:29 pm

For Clear Channel, shouldn't it read something like:

The Tsunami is coming. The Liberals want you to think you are safe in the protective arms of big government. But how safe can you be?

Join us from 8-11 am when the Glenn Beck show will discuss the funding that George Soros and the Tides Foundation has put into Tsunamis, and how along with the Muslim Brotherhood, they are hoping to spread chaos throughout the world with their wave of "green" power in order to bring forth a Reform-Jewish/Islamic Caliphate in the US.

Then , from 11-2, It's the Rush Limbaugh Show, where Rush will discuss his personal relationship with Tsunamis, and how the Obama Administration is showing continued weakness by not launching immediate air strikes on the Pacific Ocean.


Lionel[redacted]Esq March 11, 2011 at 2:29 pm

Finally, from 2-5, Sean Hannity will have Dick Morris and Scott Rasmussen on to discuss the Tsunami's collapsing poll numbers, Obama's secret relationship with Tsunami's in his youth as detailed in Dreams of My Father and NPR's continue cover-up of the liberal funding sources that have allowed Tsunami's to threaten our great country for the last fifty years.

The threat to Ohio from Tsunamis have never been greater. But with WMIA and its line up of Conservative Talk, you have a chance to survive, even if the rest of Ohio remains MIA!

WMIA: Turning the Pacific into a Giant Tea Party One Bag at a Time!

[redacted]Crusher March 11, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Special guest commentator, Sarah Palin details how the tsunami affects her.

EdFlintstone March 11, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Ohioans never had to worry about the tsunami striking because Kasich would of just fired it if it did.

Ohio state motto—at least we're not Kentucky.

[redacted]drinker March 11, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Oh good, I'm glad George W. Kasich's wife doesn't have to be interrupted trying to comb down his bedhead.

Hera Sent Me March 11, 2011 at 3:05 pm

After the news, stay tune for this week's report by the WMIA investigative team. Today's topic: "Socks. Is it better to sort them by color or texture?"

nounverb911 March 11, 2011 at 3:07 pm

Ohio might be safe from tsunamis, but is New Hampshire safe from Tsununu's?

problemwithcaring March 11, 2011 at 3:15 pm

But Tsunami of Stupid Overtaking State Proceeds Apace

Baikonur March 11, 2011 at 3:17 pm

OT and no snark, but Cincinnati is a beautiful city. Sad to see it and Ohio in general trashed (verbally here and much more so, physically in reality at all times). The largest Federally designated historical district in the country is there (Over the Rhine). Built on 7 hills (like Rome :)), many great music venues and a huge University. I fled it for the East Coast as soon as I could (with a short detour in New Orleans), but Cincinnati is a wonderful relic of what mid-America could have been.

[redacted]Crusher March 11, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Having been in Ohio on many occasions, I tend to agree with you. The part I don't understand about the people of Ohio, is how a group of people that depend so much on industry and union presence act like a bunch of hillbillies from Kentucky and West Virginia.
The first time I went there, I was shocked at how anti-labor the common person is. It seems to be a badge of honor to be treated like shit by their corporate overlords.

Baikonur March 11, 2011 at 5:04 pm

I noticed this 'badge of honor to be treated like shit by their corporate overlords' mentality all over the Midwest. As nice as people are supposed to be in the Midwest, there is definitely a censorious small town ethos that I can't figure out. Why is it there? Puritan origins? Farmer mentality? Mostly Germanic ethnic background? Dark Appalachian backwardness of the people who flooded Ohio in the 30's and 40's?

A lot of anti-union sentiment I think is pure spite: 'how dare these people have better benefits/more days off/more secure jobs than me?' Instead of working toward organizing and creating these better work condifitons for themselves, the spiteful people attack those who are just a rung up the ladder from them.

I find the Midwest very depressing, even though it has lots of beauty and charm also.

zhubajie March 11, 2011 at 7:51 pm

Cinti has the highest elevation in Ohio: Mount Trashmore. Jerry Springer used to be mayor of Cincinnati, till he have a back check to a hooker.

user-of-owls March 11, 2011 at 3:22 pm

If the Republicans disembowel NOAA, as is their wont, then tsunamis will in fact be unknown on the west coast.

They will be utterly unknown until the very moment they are washing you out to a watery grave.

D. Jette March 11, 2011 at 4:28 pm

It does have an affect on some Ohioans:

chascates March 11, 2011 at 3:37 pm

The real horror will start when Gamera, Mothra and Godzilla awaken from their slumber and fight it out over the Japanese islands.

SorosBot March 11, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Baby, did you ever wonder, wonder if Ohio'd be hit by tsunami?

user-of-owls March 11, 2011 at 4:13 pm

The Ohio Seismic Network? God, that's gotta be a beehive of activity. I mean, not as busy as the Hawaii Blizzard Center, but still…

PublicLuxury March 11, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Gawddamned Japs still trying to attack the 'Merica. Where's my WWII era bayonet and bottle of corn syrup? I'll teach those sneaky bastards a lesson. Power up the mobility scooter. Here I come!!!!!!

PublicLuxury March 11, 2011 at 4:56 pm

The governor of Michigan, HRH Synder, has issued a proclamation declaring the end to tsunamis in Michigan forever. Nevar Forget

chicken_thief March 11, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Duh. That's, like, why surfers don't live there, dude…

ThundercatHo March 11, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Know what else we are safe from here in Ohio? Democrats, gays, intellectual stimulation, culture, bookstores, ,,,,,,,,, However, I'm not sure, but there may be a couple of Muslim's so homeland security is still standing by.

Chi_town_Vinny March 11, 2011 at 8:54 pm

Say what you want about Ohio – you can still get a $5 lap dance there – although she might not have all her teeth.

ttommyunger March 11, 2011 at 7:55 pm

Ohio also safe from intelligence, introspection, common sense, compassion and clean arteries.

Failure_Artist March 11, 2011 at 9:42 pm

But is General Franco still dead?

Blendergoathead March 11, 2011 at 10:39 pm

So, was this written by one of the "me-write-for-free" monkeys that just got axed from the AOL/HuffPo?

Negropolis March 12, 2011 at 12:02 am

I can report that Grand Rapids and the rest of West Michigan were wholly swallowed up by Lake Michigan, last night.

Gawd, one can only hope. Release the Asian Carp!

lulzmonger March 12, 2011 at 1:26 pm

But are tsunamis safe from Ohio?!

LiveTo[Redacted]Ya March 13, 2011 at 10:17 am

Wait until the fallout hits them.

karen March 11, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Ah you are correct. They changed the plates recently to some kind of weird cow's pasture fantasy, I forgot the old ones already. Too lazy to google it, also.

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