poseidon's laughing at us

House Republicans Were Just Trying To Cut Tsunami Monitoring, of Course

If there's one thing does know, it's weather monitoring technology needs.As tsunami waves from the Japan earthquake begin to hit Hawaii and are on their way to our West Coast, the federal government has been closely monitoring the situation at the Pacific Tsunami Warning Center and is issuing advisories to those affected as necessary. Luckily, they aren’t anticipating major damage. The United States is able to monitor the globe and quickly spring into action to save lives when necessary because its taxpayers fund it. But if Republicans in Congress had their way with proposed budget cuts that just failed in the Senate, tsunami and other disaster monitoring operations would have been reduced significantly. Good thing God got this awful disaster in when he did!

According to the House Appropriation Committee’s summary of the bill, the CR funds Operations, Research and Facilities for the National Oceanic Atmospheric Association with $454.3 million less than it got in FY2010; this represents a $450.3 million cut from what the president’s never-passed FY2011 budget was requesting. The National Weather Service, of course, is part of NOAA — its funding drops by $126 million. The CR also reduces funding for FEMA management by $24.3 million off of the FY2010 budget, and reduces that appropriation by $783.3 million for FEMA state and local programs.

Democrats did attempt to add more money to NOAA’s budget. Rep. Dan Lipinski, D-Ill., offered an amendment to the CR that would have directed “no less than $710,641,000 to the National Weather Service Local Warnings and Forecasts.” The amendment was one of several Democratic spending proposals that was found to be out of order, and not voted on.

Tide goes in, tide goes out. Can’t explain it. (Because there’s no funding.)

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Who tried to take action against these cuts? Why UNION THUGS, of course, the people of the National Environmental Satellite, Data, and Information Service employees union, who put out a release detailing just some of the cuts:

Nationally, reduced funding will mean upper air observations now made twice a day might be reduced to every other day, buoy and surface weather observations that provide data for warning systems could be temporarily or permanently discontinued and there could be delays in replacing satellites, according to the release.

Yeah, why would we ever need that stuff? [Weigel]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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143 comments

    1. Terry

      The GOP Commandments:

      1 – Corporations are your lords and masters. Thou shalt put thy corporate overlords and contributers before any and all.

      2 – Thou shalt drop the name of God at every opportunity.

      3 – Thou shalt not feel constrained to live according to the word of God. Saying you believe is enough.

      4 – Thou shalt not honor thy father and mother (screw the olds, except when you need their votes).

      5 – Thou shalt not worship idols, except Ayn Rand and the almighty dollar.

      6 – Thou shalt not tax and should only steal from poor people, the elderly, the infirmed, and consumers.

      7 – Adultery is just fine. No worries at all.

      8 – Thou shalt not kill, unless the person is a convicted felon, a minority, or a innocent person affected by the products, byproducts, or production processes of a corporation.

      9 – Covet at will.

      10 – Thou shalt make a show of keeping the Sabbath when cameras are rolling, otherwise not so much.

      1. Moonbat

        The only revision I'd suggest is to put St. Ronald in there with Ayn Rand and the Almighty Dollar, both for truthiness and Rule-of-Three reasons.

  1. Mumbletypeg

    This was almost very bad news for us wonketteers, Jack, if you'd been caught up in harm's way.
    But you didn't, so — exciting, yes? In a sort of horror-flick/ close-call/ darkness-unfolding kind of way. Others may be better than me at spinning light of this, but I'm all out of funny until we've learned the extent of the damage.

  2. jus_wonderin

    Using the strict definition that Conservatives give for Liberals…pets have to be Liberals.

    Geez, mine sit in their beds by the fireplace all day. I leave NPR on for them. They are sucking on the socialist teet of my toil. But, I do love them.

  3. neiltheblaze

    Reminds me of Jindal and volcano monitoring, and then the Alaskan volcano blew up. The explanation is obvious: God hates Republicans. And well she should.

    1. BlueMonkeh

      FTW!!!!!

      Someone, please email the DCCC or whoever is having that stupid bumper sticker contest with this one.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Oklahoma being one of the reddest or maybe #1 red state in the country, wait until the Teabaggers don't get adequate warning to waddle to their storm shelters (they can walk, they're just too fat to do it easily. Don't believe me? Walk through a Walmart.)

      Where was the state warning system? Where was the fucking warning system. I pay taxes for a warning system!

      1. qwerty42

        How did Oklahoma get that way? Are the Nations going Republican? Oklahoma used to be full of New Deal Democrats (well, so was Texas, …), were they caught up in the "Southern Strategy" or something?

        1. DustBowlBlues

          "were they caught up in the "Southern Strategy" or something?"

          Duh. Plus Gaylord owned most of the media outlets and campaigned relentlessly against education and called the Demoratic party the Democratic party way before Karl Rove was the bane of decent society. Gaylord helped keep them stoopid. The Southern Baptist Convention has been a powerful force in this state for the entire 60 years that Republics have won votes by promising that you shouldn't have to pay taxes just to support lazy government employees. (The Bellmon Strategy).

          Oklahoma, in spite of its proud socialist/populist/New Deal/ Dust Bowl/Trail of Tears legacy didn't have a chance.

          As some commentator down here once said, "Texas lost a battle and has never quit bragging about it. 60,000 okies were blown away with the dust and they've never quit apologizing for it."

          A strange state, in the grip of the oil companies, energy companies, evil doers and plain morans.

          Class dismissed.

          1. JoeBiteme

            Damn. Makes me glad we didn't get our deal to buy the Lazy E from Gaylord's idiot son completed a few years ago. I knew there was something off…

      2. onemoretime79

        no warning is adequate, for tornadoes. you get, what, 5 minutes? from some rusted out horn on the topmost of the tallest building in town. good luck w/that y'all.

        then again, if you live in "tornado alley", that might be a clue so as to be on constant lookout.

    2. PalinPussyPower

      I'd laugh at this, if not for the fact that one of my redneck relatives posted that on Facebook this morning, almost verbatim, with zero sarcasm.

      1. DustBowlBlues

        I wish I thought you were joking, but I know you're not. How stoopid can these morans be?

  4. GuyClinch

    Most tsunamis are triggered by Limbaugh taking a dip in the ocean. We should just monitor him.

  5. nounverb911

    "Tide goes in, tide goes out. Can’t explain it. (Because there’s no funding.)"
    Let's anchor O'Reilly and Jindal mid-ocean with walkie-talkies as our new tsunami warning system.

  6. Maman

    Oh, goodie.. well when there is a huge earthquake in the Puerto Rican trench (a subduction zone) and Houston and Louisiana are hit with a tsunami… tell Bobby Jindal it must be because god doesn't love him anymore that no one evacuated him.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      He's secretly Hindu and raised in a pot-smoking temple. He has another life coming, so he isn't worried. Because it never occurred to him that an Republithug opportunistic dickwad could come back as a steer about to be hot-shotted onto the truck to be hauled to an inhumane slaughter house.

        1. DustBowlBlues

          Namaste, Maman. BTW–Does Jindal ever say Namaste? Or is he total denier of his brown heritage?

  7. Barbara_i

    How is Glenn Beck going to spin this?
    "This is God's way of saying_________________________"
    Please, fill in the blank.

    1. baconzgood

      That the Moooslim Brotherhood, funded by Soros (of course), have taken tidal forces from the Christian God, so Acorn can regroup in Japan and make them allies with the Nazis again.

      NAILED IT!

    2. tessiee

      Deregulating corporations?
      Cutting taxes on the wealthiest class?

      Those are the solutions to any and all problems, right? Or should we now add, "getting rid of unions"?

    3. Steverino247

      God's way of saying "Fox News is not renewing your contract, Mr. Beck. We wish you every success in your future endeavors, which we understand will involve cleaning public lavatories. If you desire a letter of recommendation that they give you a brush after five years, we would be happy to provide that."

    4. DustBowlBlues

      This has birther written all over it. How hard will it be to lay out the links between the Democratic Governor, the long form birth certificate (with a seal, gdammit!) and the brown color of many Hawaii Islanders. Kenya will be tougher, but I'm sure they've got disasters over there.

      Not to mention the Timeshare he can't fucking get rid of.

  8. MarionNYNY

    Who are we to thwart the will of the Creator?
    Perhaps if we defunded the gayz and abortions and brought back prayers in school, there'd be fewer "natural" disasters to monitor?

      1. SayItWithWookies

        No, the rich won't insure them because that's too expensive — they wait to be wiped out and then complain that the federal disaster relief should pay for it.

  9. harry_palmer

    Here's hoping this will have a similar effect to the way opposing volcano mnitoring launched Bobby Jindal's national ambitions. Straight into the shitcan.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      nv911, you are making me laugh today as much as the trolls are making me vomit. They seem uncannily attracted to you — maybe there's some "what's a 'noun'? have i heard of 'verb' before?" bafflement driving them to downfist unpleasant reminders of aborted attempts at early edumacation.

    2. WhatTheHeck

      Well, if a Tsunami is like a flood, which it is, then why is god killing people when he promised no more killing from floods? Wait, they are foreign. Never mind.

    3. Steverino247

      If they do travel to Japan, perhaps we can get some guys from the Commemorative Air Force to meet them in their P-38's somewhere in the Pacific for a Yamamoto Shoot-down Re-enactment.

    4. poncho_pilot

      and we haven't heard from Pat Robertson yet, have we? i'm anxious to know if i'm partially to blame for this one as well.

  10. Schmannnity

    The Republican solution is to let the market handle tsunami monitoring by selling tsunami futures and tsunami ETFs. That way, investment banks can pick up the monitoring costs and trade on inside information.

  11. JustPixelz

    As beneficiaries of last November's election "tsunami" that washed away Demoncrats, Repubicans are unlikely to support a warning system for such events.

  12. Ruhe

    Shouldn't Peter King be holding hearings on the ongoing radicalization of the Earth's tectonic plates?

  13. nounverb911

    "POSEIDON'S LAUGHING AT US"
    Isn't it time for another remake of "The Poseidon Adventure", this time starring Bobby Jindal and Michele Bachmann?

      1. tessiee

        Yeah, it doesn't say anything about it in the bible; it's probably just another one of Al Gore's lies.

      1. DustBowlBlues

        You get a thumbs because I want to hide my ignorance of what the fuck you're talking about.

        1. karen

          I've always been torn between which name I love more, Pangea or Gondwanaland. Who came up with these kick ass names? Maybe Pangea, instead of the Chia pet song it could be Pa Pa Pa Pangea!

          Oh, also, Pangea was the supercontinent we were all smashed into like 250 million years ago, then they started splitting and the lower half was called Gondwanaland, the upper was like Laurasia or something (boring). Wiki it, it'll be a great waste of your afternoon. I love natural history.

          1. MoeDeLawn

            Anyone interested should be steered to John McPhee – great great stuff, and understandable for the most part. I'm a big Gondwanian….drink green beer on Gaia's birthday, all that stuff.

      2. mourningnmerica

        There is no Pangea, you filthy Heathen. America is perfect and eternal, just as Gawd made it. (Fuck, my appendix hurts.)

  14. JoeBiteme

    Surely the magic of the free market will solve this problem for us, likely for a nominal fee…

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Lesson to wonkeratti who refuse to write a personal profile: I m now following JoeBM because I like his. And it came up on my screen and it seemed like the only way to get rid of the persistent fucker.

  15. OneDollarJuana

    Cutting funding to the Nation Weather Service might not sit so well with all those Republican "farmers" who depend on accurate weather reporting to keep production high. Cutting funding to the Nation Weather Service might not sit so well with all those Republican shipping company owners who depend on accurate weather reporting to keep their ships safe.

    1. nounverb911

      There still are American ships? I thought we outsourced them all to Liberia for tax reasons.

    2. Oblios_Cap

      Immigration reform would just as disasterous for them. Imagine if they didn't have a low-paid non-voting labor force to abuse.

    3. emmelemm

      If the industrial farms actually lose a significant percentage of their crops, the government will just bail them out, yeah?

  16. Zvi_Bleindmeis

    I'm pretty sure that "natural" disasters do not occur during Republican administrations, or at least they occur only in radical Islamic or heathen areas (Sumatra), or sinful gay-riddled locations that really deserve it (New Orleans). So remember to vote for the political party that God favors.

    (You should also root for the sporting teams and athletes whom God supports. We have to take their word for it, I suppose.)

  17. baconzgood

    Hey we gotta trim the fat america. How else are we going to maintain our corporate welfare? Sheesh you bleeding heart liburals. What a bunch of morans. The guvment ain't 'sposed to "Help" people just bomb them.

  18. natoslug

    As someone living in a Tsunami zone (yeah, yeah, I should get to higher ground, etc.), let me just say, once again, FUCK YOU, REPUBLICANS! Each and every fucking one of you.

      1. natoslug

        My board's out, but I'm currently a little too well-rounded in the middle to fit in my wetsuit, and my boy-child already called dibs on the board. I'm going to have to stick to the kayak in case of emergency. And yay me, my p-ness finally hit triple digits. When do I get my free blowjob and secret decoder ring, now that I've joined all the cool kids with their big P's?

        1. DustBowlBlues

          Haven't you heard? All you get is a toaster oven Ken picked up at a garage sale. Enjoy. Oh, you might want to check the fuse on that.

  19. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    What the Democrats need to do is to get the Tsunami to swear in, and then they can show its heart beat. That will keep funding in place.

  20. edgydrifter

    But if Raytheon proposes a nuclear-pulse tsunami neutralizing maser, I bet we'll fund the shit out of that.

  21. SorosBot

    Well of course we need to cut emergency funding; I mean, it's not like the underfunding and mismanagement of our emergency services killed a few thousand Americans just a few years ago. Well not any rich Americans anyway, and they are the only ones whose lives matter.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Well obviously our emergency management failed, so it needs to be defunded. Just like schools.

  22. tessiee

    Somewhere, Condi Rice is ignoring a memo titled, "Tsunami determined to strike in Japan", and saying that no one could possibly have foreseen this.

  23. Callyson

    Democratic ideas for tsunami monitoring: upper air observations, buoy and surface weather observations, satellites, and other science-y things. Also have some sort of evacuation plan if needed.
    Republican ideas for tsunami monitoring: look out window. If needed, yell "Here it comes–run!"

  24. donner_froh

    The GOP congress mens and womens understand that natural disasters have to share in the sacrifice like everyone else other than the military (necessary for invasion) and homeland security (harassing Muslims). Earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes will just have to make an appointment.

  25. CliveWarren

    "The amendment was one of several Democratic spending proposals that was found to be out of order, and not voted on."

    In essence:

    Dan Lipinski (D): "If we cut this funding, soon all our tsunami monitoring equipment will be out of order."

    Random (R): "No, YOU'RE out of order! And a poopyhead…"

    There you have it, ladies and gentlemen… A debate.

  26. SayItWithWookies

    Who needs tsunami monitoring? As soon as the Republicans get rid of the gays, Muslims, atheists, fornicators and unions, expunge evolution from our textbooks, make abortion illegal and repeal the 13th, 14th, 15th and 17th amendments, The LORD will place His veil of protection back around the United States and everything will be fine. Why all those liberals are whining about this great plan is just baffling.

  27. el_donaldo

    Look, people, God said he wouldn't send another flood. He said it. We don't need this stuff.

  28. BlueMonkeh

    Did they learn NOTHING from LA guv (separated @birth from Kenneth) and his mocking of the volcanoes? Nothing?

  29. EatsBabyDingos

    The National Weather Service is one of the seven uniformed branches of govmint (really).

    Why iz the republicants hating on the military?

  30. Steverino247

    Troll ID. Stench of Liberalism is his handle. He's following almost all of us (300 is way too much, by the way) and routinely posts the same message for the other folks at Breitbart.tv about how to post here at Wonkette.

    Look, Stench, if that is your real name. I don't slap dicks out of your mouth when you're working at the bus station, so leave me alone here. OK?

    1. Gopherit

      OMG. I really hate Breitbart's site. it's so full of smug stupid and lies……please don't make me go there to fuck with this guy.

    2. hilacious

      He says he likes to start at the bottom and work his way up (the shaft) and is encouraging others to do so too.

  31. lulzmonger

    SRSLY?

    Hey, Republitards, doesn't the CDC get guvmint munnies too? SHUT THAT COMMIE ANTI-DISEASIST SHIT DOWN, FOR LIBURTY! It's discriminating against good wholesome godly American pestilence, damn it! After all, what's a little cholera among patriots? It's just like having the flu, but deathier, amirite?

    1. HistoriCat

      Plus Pestilence is one of the Four Horsemen – why is the gubmint fightin' the workings of the Lord? Book of Revelation, here we come!

  32. mourningnmerica

    I'm going to cook up some Freedom Fries, and drive down to the coast to watch the Tidal Wave come in.

  33. owhatever

    Those tsunami warning buoys get in the way of oil drilling. Anyhoo, the tsunamis just kill little yellow people who aren't even Christian. Not with my tax dollar.

  34. DahBoner

    I wonder if the Japanese equivalent of Homer Simpson working at the Nuclear plant eats doughnuts made of seaweed?

    "One of six reactors at the Fukushima power plant lost all power and had to be switched to emergency battery power after backup generators failed. It is feared that once the backup electricity store fails, no power will be able to pump the water used as a coolant over the reactor core.

    What happens in this scenario could cause catastrophe as the core starts to superheat and eventually melts its way through its steel housing. The collapse of a superheated core eventually could potentially reach the water table where explosions of steam would start to spread radioactive material over a large area, causing a disaster in the immediate vicinity almost instantaneously. The resultant radioactive clouds could then spread to affect other parts of the world, depending on meteorological conditions, as happened in the Chernobyl incident." http://dailyplanetdispatch.com/japan-nuclear-melt

    FULL STEAM AHEAD FOR NEW USA NUCLEAR PLANTS!!!!

    THANK YOU GOP GENIUSES FOR KNOWING NUCLEAR IS 100% SAFE…

  35. onemoretime79

    I just forwarded this post to some of my best friends. Some of whom, are trolls. They won't get it but I'm waiting on responses in 3…2….1.

    1. onemoretime79

      In the one response I received so far, it said this :

      "Working for Uncle Sam pays extremely well these days. Government employment used to be a calling, a career in which a sense of fulfillment from public service offset low pay and spartan working conditions. Not so today.

      According to a study by the Cato Institute, 2008 federal worker pay-and-benefits packages averaged $119,982. That’s more than double the private-sector average of $59,909. "

      Is this appropos of nothing that my forward of the post might warrant or am i banging my head slowly upon my desk even as i type this.

      I have no moar words.

  36. mavenmaven

    Hey, for the victims of natural disasters, its just like a vacation, right? (a la Barbara Bush). I mean, whats so terrible about entire cities being underwater with bodies floating everywhere? Brownie, you're doing a great job.

  37. PublicLuxury

    I don't like NOAA. I knew a guy named NOAA once, he spelled it differently, but was such an asshole that I think taking money from him is A-OK.

  38. arihaya

    when next tsunami hit ,, i wish Republicans congresspeople was on a cruise ship straight in its wave path

Comments are closed.