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Apocalypse Now: Michele Bachmann Probably Running For President

'HARRRRREEEEEEEECHEEEEEEEEEUNNNNNGHGHGGG'If you need any more evidence these are the end times, here you go: congressional banshee Michele Bachmann is getting closer and closer to deciding she’s going to run for president. Like, president of the United States. Yeah, that one. For real for real. “She is seriously considering running and getting a full team lined up and making sure it’s the right one,” some Iowa Teabgger told CNN. “It will be different than everyone else. She will have a very good team behind her if she does decide to run.” Naturally, her campaign staff will be composed of various hell beasts, nuclear-waste monsters, sharks, and vengeful zombie fetuses with tiny flamethrowers.

Bachmann has already met with prominent interest groups and well-placed officials in early caucus and primary states of Iowa and South Carolina, where both Tea Partiers and Republican regulars have been impressed by her easy rapport with conservative crowds.

Yes, it’s almost like they were in some sort of weird trance. DON’T LOOK HER IN THE EYES! That’s why she didn’t look at the camera in her State of the Union response: It would have melted it!

More evidence she’s running: She uploaded a video to her congressional campaign YouTube account attacking Obama. This is how she introduces herself, as if she’s speaking to a much wider audience than her congressional district: “Hi, my name is Michele Bachmann, and I’m from Minnesota’s sixth congressional district.” Dry run!

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“Some aspects have to be traditional,” said the source close to Bachmann. “You’ve got to have a media guy, you’ve got to have your political guy and your message guy. Then there is the non-traditional side. If she runs, you will see a grassroots campaign that looks like none you’ve ever seen before. It will make Barack Obama’s effort pale in comparison.”

It won’t pale in comparison because it will be more popular than Obama’s candidacy was or is; it will pale in comparison literally—Michele Bachmann announcing her candidacy will cause the country to erupt in a bright red blaze and block out the Sun, descending the scorched country into total darkness. [CNN]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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172 comments

      1. ulTIMum

        There's an ap for that. You can be President of Farmville. All you need to do is gather enough dumb cattle, like at branding time.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      It'll be totally worth it, if just for the vengeful zombie fetuses with tiny flamethrowers. I can't wait to see those lil' guys.

  1. Texan_Bulldog

    Snowbilly will not let this stand. It would have been nice if Walnuts had picked Bachmann for VP then we'd only have to deal with one crazy, batshit, insane beastess.

    1. Swampgas_Man

      The ONLY good thing about this news is picturing the wingnut catfight, better than anything the WWE's had for a few months.

  2. Hatrabbit

    Ah yes, there'll be a non-traditional side to Bachmann's campaign. A perfect complement to the batshit-crazy-motherfuckin'-all-out-Zombie-Apocalypse side.

  3. PublicLuxury

    Bachmann/Newt? Bachmann/Palin? Bachmann/Mittens? Bachmann/Pawlenty? Bachmann/Cain? Bachmann/Huckabee?

    Jesus H. Christ the boils on the ass of America are going to explode and infect the rest of the country.

      1. Dashboard_Jesus

        damn and just when I was getting around to it, always late to the party…OVERDRIVE!!!

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Pffft. Sarah has no intention of running for office. She already has a consultant working on figuring out the best way to make money for herself off Bachman's campaign.

      1. HuddledMass

        You posit that Sarah's greed > Sarah's ego?

        I would refute that, with all due respect.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          Meh. She quit her gov't job to make money. She had actual political power (I know, Alaska, but still) which she blithely traded to make a few bucks.

          Even if her ego is bigger than her greed, who says she can't stroke it better just by being stinking rich and getting to say anything thing she wants – the more outrageous, the better – rather than the extreme hard work and political triangulation it takes to get elected to national office?

          Sara's Greed + Sarah's Laziness > Sara's Ego

  4. hagajim

    she's getting a full team lined up and making sure it’s the right one,” some Iowa Teabgger told CNN. “It will be different than everyone else…

    Different in the sense that it will be filled with brainless dumbfucks who will make me laugh for weeks – until her campaign implodes with the force of a thousand mushroom clouds.

  5. OC_Tsunami_Surf_Serf

    Doesn't the downfister know that the ZERO was created by Arabs?

    Downfister is probably Arabic, therefore a commie moooslin who hates America.

    1. ManchuCandidate

      Don't insult the Arabs. They have their issues, but not him.

      Downfister's just a big fat loser with a tiny dick who's mad at the world and seems to believe it owes him something.

    2. SorosBot

      Both of them are still also trying to get other Breitbarters to follow them in downfisting us:
      http://tv.breitbart.com/protesters-dragged-scream

      And he's cheering on the comment he's replying to: "I hate to admit it, but I kind of miss the old days, when the cops would not have been so gentle in clearing out the protesters." These are truly evil, vile, disgusting people.

      1. Ducksworthy

        Jeebus Soros. Please be more careful. I mistakenly clicked on that link and was overcome by the stench of the commentators.

      2. Swampgas_Man

        I hate to admit it, but when I see people w/ 20, 30 or 55 upfists, I sorta lose sympathy for their downfisting.

      3. vanishing13

        I honestly believed my opinion of them couldn't get any lower, and then you read shit like that.

  6. aguacatero

    "A Bachmann candidacy would send shock waves through the political establishment, unleashing a tsunami of nativist rage and geriatric pique in all directions, inundating low-lying areas with an angry, roiling waves of kooky new forms of stupid."

  7. genxr

    o please o please o please o please o please o please o please o please o please o please o please o please o please o please o please o please o please o please o please o please o please o please pleeeeeeeeeeez!

      1. genxr

        If we take up a collection here, we could fund her primary. Buy her a big bus with her picture on it, and have it pull off to the side of the highway and honk in protest. Imagine the imagery!

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          I don't think that's necessary. Bachman is already reasonably well-funded and sure to attract more support from the ultra-right than any other candidate. So the fun & snark in her case will be "on the house."

          Save your hobo change for recalling union busters in Wisconsin (and coming soon enough to a state near you!) There's a war on, and the middle class is losing.

  8. GuyClinch

    Bachmann's running for President? Awesome, go for it, Michelle! Also, I'm calling my broker to tell him to put everything in Wonkette stock.

  9. cheetojeebus

    I was thinking this is one hell of a day. just really blue about all those people in Japan etc. Then this, A tiny happy gift. When she doesn't get the nomination can we pleeeze have a run as an independent? PLEEEEZE OMMYGAWD1111 PEEELEEEEEZE!111

  10. Hatrabbit

    Rise up brain-dead America–the vegetables are in revolt. It's the Bachmann Turnip Overdrive!

  11. neiltheblaze

    Good. Her political career will be destroyed once and for all. This is what comes from everyone pretending that George Bush actually called the shots as President. The numbskull Republicunts think that anyone can function as President without a Cheney-like Dark Eminence pulling the puppet strings.

    Sarah is gonna be PISSED!

    1. genxr

      Yes, because once a marginally attractive conservative crazy lady makes a fool of herself in a failed presidential/vice-presidential run, it pretty much kills her career and we never hear from her again. Never.

      1. neiltheblaze

        If you're referring to Sarah Palin – she's only famous now as a scribbler of misinformed screeds and badly written Tweets. Oh, and as a "Reality Show" star. She's not going anywhere either.

  12. PublicLuxury

    Chickenshit fuck face ass licker is a foot. AKA troll. You'd think they would have better things to do, like yank on Beck's peepee or rub against Newt and stimulate him fer 'Merica.

  13. harry_palmer

    In 1976 most sane people laughed when Ronald Reagan ran for President. That was the water starting slowly to rotate. It's fucking swirling like a cyclone now as it circles the shitter.

    1. Boredw/[redacted]

      The difference is that Reagan was somewhat affable, not batshit crazy behind the eyes.

      1. ManchuCandidate

        I've seen her interviewed and all I see is batshit insanity coming from her peepers let alone the stupid flowing from her mouth.

        Yes, I'd hit that but run as far and as fast as I could after..

        1. Boredw/[redacted]

          You can run but you can't hide. She'd have your bunnies in a pot of boiling water by sundown.

  14. Trannysurprise

    So if Obama will be pale in comparison to her, how black does she plan to become?

    Putting on that black face every day is gonna require a makeup gay.

  15. Blendergoathead

    I predict incredibly new levels of insanity and outright willful ignorance at the GOP "debates." The mind boggles.

    1. inedal

      with huckleberry leading the charge, the GOP debates will swing from "Obama is a muslin, born in Kenya" to Obama is a musleem
      born in Indonesia". Bachmann will be delighted to join in the fun & madness along with the other republicans (GOP = God's Own Party."

  16. SorosBot

    This should be entertaining. I would switch my registration to Republican to vote for Bachmann in the primary; just think we would have a 1964-style result, with only the most racist of states going Republican.

  17. FNMA

    God, if you exist, please make this happen and I will pledge to try to be a better a person, though I’m not making any promises, if you know what I mean.

  18. Barrelhse

    Fucking ignorant Teabaggers, perhaps they should learn the English language before they take over the country.
    It's "different from", not "different than", you stupid asswipe. Home-schooling? lol

    1. Doktor[redacted]

      That one's a lost cause, I'm afraid. Honestly, if that were the worst error in a paper I was grading, I'd rejoice.

    2. mog253

      They don't speak English, they speak 'murican, it's different than that other language you may have learned in a real school.

  19. OC_Tsunami_Surf_Serf

    Bachmann/Palin/Brewer/Haley/Hutchison/Snowe/2012

    (cause, like going to the ladies room, they do it in groups)

  20. Hatrabbit

    Bachmann's secret Mass Hypnosis Strategy:

    "Watch the watch America … You are feeling very stupid … very, very stupid. When I click my fingers … that's the signal for you to vote … and flap your wings like a crazed bat …"

  21. BloviateMe

    …and upon hearing the news of Bachmann's impending run for the presidency, somewhere in Japan, a man pauses in his efforts to save his wife from the surging tide, and says "hory fuck."

  22. baconzgood

    C'mon Wonkette. First Sarah, then thousands of people die in Japan as Gallager still lives, and now this? Your next posting better be about fluffy kittens frolicing with yarn… You're depressing the snark out of me.

  23. fuflans

    not beforetimes, something amusing today.

    oh gods of comedy, please allow this. haven't we suffered enough?

    sincerely fuflans, the etruscan god of wine

  24. baconzgood

    "It will be different than everyone else."

    Yeah? Maybe because she's insane? Don't cha think?

  25. Not_So_Much

    Personally, I think this is gonna be fucking awesome. The retarded mouth-farts that are sure to follow along with the overly dilated Kuh-RAZY eyezballs — well, you get a thing like this, it's fucking golden.

  26. Steverino247

    The Eight O-Faces of Bachmann.

    Anyone who votes for this woman for President is too fucking stupid to breathe. Or they're a wise ass Wonketteer who wants to see just how bad it can get for the R's.

    Think about the vast numbers of cross-over Dems, in those states which (foolishly) allow that in primaries, voting for Michele, dumb-bell. Kill off the GOP as a national party!

  27. edgydrifter

    I'm bored with Crazy-Eyes already. I'm officially demoting her from MILF to MILDISH (Drop In Spider Hole).

  28. JadedDissonance

    The closest thing I have to accurately describe Michelle Bachmann's presidential campaign is the smell that wafts from someone in dire need of a dental extraction. Horrifying, yet oddly novel.

  29. EatsBabyDingos

    Michele: "Oh, Newt, is that a banana in your pants or are you just working hard for the country?"

  30. elviouslyqueer

    Dear divine being that oversees natural disasters and the like:

    A well-placed earthquake in MN-6 would do nicely right about now. Nothing catastrophic, mind, just a sharp jolt. Just saying.

    Thanks in advance,
    EQ

    Too soon?

  31. mrblifil

    It would actually be a more productive use of her time to simply come over here and suck my dick. I am willing to make this sacrifice for my country, providing she does it while I get to watch endless clips of Japanese refineries blowing the fuck up. If I time it right, the payoff might be epic.

  32. bigdupa

    I'm looking forward to finding out what magazines she reads. Crazy Person Illustrated. Farm Prices Support Quarterly. People- For Kid Harvesters National Review.

  33. Monsieur_[redacted]

    This should be fun. Bachmann believes everything she reads on the internet. Fire up the Hopey rumor mill folks. Of course there is that 25% out there that believes everything that Michelle spews.

  34. Ducksworthy

    I hope the dykes on bykes are nicer to her the next time they trap her in the ladies room.

  35. Hatrabbit

    Her 3 A.M. moment will involve drinking horse blood while reciting revelations backwards, pissing into a bucket, and sticking pins into her Obama Voodoo doll.

  36. ttommyunger

    The old Doublemint Gum commercial comes to mind:
    "Double your twattage, double your fun,
    Have two cunts a-running instead of just one!"

  37. BornInATrailer

    If she moves from "that crazy lady from one of those northern state" to presidential candidate, isn't all the loony crap she's said on camera going to come under rather intense scrutiny?

    This must be a ploy to make other more realistic GOP candidates look better in comparison. Clever.

  38. fartknocker

    All I know about Michelle Batshit is:

    1) She's a lot like watching mad chimps at the zoo fling shit at each other to see if sticks onto something – that's not what I am looking for in policies.
    2) She loves, loves, loves Ronnie Raygun – I've been wiping up that trickle down mess for 20 years, so her economic policies are probably not worth the paper I used to clean up my trickle down.
    3) Her voice sound like a UK civil defense siren with three wilderbeast stuck in the armature – it's unpleasant.

    My only recommendation is that during her debate, learn how to use the close captioning option on your teevee and pity the person who has to translate the mindless vitriolic statements she will formulate in her pea brain.

    Michelle, please post your birth certificate. Bitch.

    1. Ducksworthy

      Marcus is so Not Ghey!. I wonder when one of the 45 foster children they've bilked the state for boarding in their barn will come forward to talk about the Counseling he received from ole Marcus.

  39. SorosBot

    Like with the State of the Union response, if she doesn't think the GOP nominee is batshit wingnutty enough, maybe she'll decide to give her own independent challenge to Obama; now that would be fun.

  40. Callyson

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    Oh, this is for real?
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    Ha!
    OK, now that that is out of my system…I think that we've reached a tipping point with the Reeps, where they all think they have to run for President. Not because they have a chance of winning, or even want to be President, but because everyone else who is someone in the GOP is running, and they don't want to look irrelevant by comparison.
    Also: ha!

    1. AutomaticPilot

      She's not really interested in being President. She just knows this is her best shot at a stint on "Dancing With The Stars."

  41. DaRooster

    “You’ve got to have a media guy, you’ve got to have your political guy and your message guy…"

    So only GUYS can think up the nasty shit needed to run a campaign?

  42. wee[redacted]

    To the right of Michele Batshitmann, Governor [redacted] has signed the infamous union-busting bill.

    Can you say Governor Feingold. There, I knew you could. *fiddles with his cardigan*

  43. donner_froh

    The shooting of Representative Giffords was really an attack on Sarah Palin and her children which required a video response from Palin in a faux-presidential setting. When Bachmann actually announces Palin plans to do her video from a fiery chariot pulled across the sky by the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

  44. BerkeleyBear

    But never forget, the Generals got to win one time. And that is why Organizing for America will have millions of people beating the bushes for every vote.

  45. SayItWithWookies

    Oh, I am so looking forward to the debates. Bachmann vs. Ron Paul vs. Alan Keyes vs. whatever poor bastards want to try to talk the party line against those lunatics. This should be more fun than that group of theologians trying to understand the implications of a slice of toast once landing with the buttered side up, in contravention of the universal law that it always lands facing down (their conclusion, by the way, was that the guy had buttered his toast on the wrong side).

  46. BlueMonkeh

    This could really split up the batshit crazy vote. How would the party heal after the primaries?

  47. Ducksworthy

    I saw a billboard that said that Jeebus was coming back May 21st. Will he please please take Bachmann and her followers somewhere on his rapture bus. If he doesn't want them, he could just drop them off in deep space somewhere.

    1. genxr

      You know it will be a lot easier for Jesus to pick up the rapture bus if it's already airborne, for example by driving off a cliff on that day at exactly 8:02AM. Everyone sing your favorite religious song real loud so he can hear you.

  48. NorthStarSpanx

    Crazy recognized crazy and had to jump-start her run against the younger but less accomplished chief executive.

  49. ulTIMum

    David Brooks, introduced as a Rational Repub, or oxymoron, is trying to sell a book about the unconscious or something sinister, plus plugging Rational Repugnants as he sees them, and he's baited by references to dingbats eternally, on shows like Last Word, and he seems to be losing his stately stoic reserve. I say, bring on the wingnuts!

  50. kissawookiee

    “You’ve got to have a media guy, you’ve got to have your political guy and your message guy…"

    Brain guy apparently optional.

  51. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    Bachmann spews an industrial mega-dumpster's worth of bullshit. Obama's effort's a pail in comparison.

  52. owhatever

    Closeup: Michelle facing a camera against a dark background. Smiles.

    Michelle: "I'm not a witch."

  53. __kth__

    Perhaps she's trying to heighten her profile for a run against Franken in 2014. Then again it's probably just a vanity run. People from the O'Donnell wing of the party don't exactly have the mindset characteristic of chess grandmasters.

  54. LowProfileinGA

    First thing next week I'm changing my party affiliation to (R). I can be far more help to Barry by voting for Michele in the primaries.

    Thank you, Jeebus!

  55. HelmutNewton

    But what's she gonna do when the hayseeds find out her husband is gayer then Lindsey Graham?

  56. user-of-owls

    Back in '77, I caught Vengeful Zombie Fetus and the Tiny Flamethrowers at CBGB's and they absolutely killed!

    Such a shame that their lead singer Bloody Jar ended up ODing on formaldehyde.

  57. HistoriCat

    If there's a swimsuit portion, Gingrich is in trouble.

    And by that I mean if Gringrich runs and there's a swimsuit portion, then we're all in trouble.

  58. HelmutNewton

    But what's she gonna do when the rubes find out her husband is gayer than Lindsey Graham?

  59. DustBowlBlues

    Quick, everyone: fall on your knees ASAP and pray that when establishment Republics refuse to be seen with in public with her, Rep. Batshit, drunk on her Teabagging popularity, starts a third party.

    Once you siphon off the stupidest of the stupid votes, Republics don't have a prayer, which why you should have one. Now. Quickly. Do it.

  60. grex1949

    Maybe while she's providing comic relief prior to the November 2012 elections, the Minnesota Sixth Congressional District can find itself a sane person to serve it's citizens in the Congress. Or am I hoping for too much?

  61. BarackMyWorld

    I fear the only impact she will probably have is making Mitt Romney look like a level-headed statesman by comparison, which may carry over into the narrative of the general election. Gah!

  62. Negropolis

    congressional banshee Michele Bachmann

    lol, that should be on her official letterhead.

    BTW, if you had to have a physical to run for president, she'd have been ruled ineligible due to a permanent concussion. Come on, guys; look at those fucking dilated pupils, people.

  63. Negropolis

    BTW, I really hope she runs. This will open up a seat in what has the potential to be a competitive district. She should have really done better in 2010 than she did, so it shows a Democrat has a chance.

Comments are closed.