If you could dig up German cutie Eva Braun and somehow make her alive again, like she was in the glamorous 1940s when she did blackface show tunes for boyfriend Adolf Hitler, then America might just have the one woman who could finally become president of America. Sorry Sarah, but you’re not sexy enough! Also, god, that voice. Even Nazi German sounds better than your weird chalkboard/Minnesota/realtor cackle. Anyway, there are a bunch of newly rediscovered Eva Braun photos, wearing blackface or wearing nothing at all, doing crazy yoga on the beach and partying with some gay dudes. Can you imagine such a creature, alive today, in America? She’d have a four-hour block of prime-time programming on Fox and Animal Planet (she loved dogs!), and this would compete with a three-hour block of Dancing With the Star, with the “star” being Eva Braun. She would get her modern-day boyfriend (Roger Ailes? Glenn Beck? George Allen?) to fire everybody who complained (good-bye NPR, hello “Eva World Service”!) and also to round up the Jews. But still, she was “socially liberal,” with the nudity and the gays and “art crowd” and the “show people,” so good-bye to that Obummer character and hello to a lady who can do any black show tune you can name!
President Eva Braun will promote Hitler’s health regimen (except for his nanny-state anti-smoking crusade, because a girl needs her nicotine) and all American children (not sent to death camps) will soon be trim, blonde-haired specimens of Physical Culture. Tea Party people didn’t like hearing about this stuff from Michelle Obama, but the whole concept will be made “more attractive” when packaged with racism, antisemitism and genocide. Sadly for teabaggers, Eva Braun’s America has no room for 400-pound diabetics on mobility scooters, either. But Eva Braun’s Death Panel Variety Show will at least make this cull an entertainment spectacular.
Here’s some video from Discovery Channel’s sexy new travel show, Eva Braun’s Bavaria:
Eva Braun, everybody! [Daily Mail]
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"Eva Braun’s America has no room for 400-pound diabetics on mobility scooters."
This is bad news for Chris Christie.
And peeps without passports.
that blackface was just a US Civil War re-enactment she was in….
Isn't she the one asking the question in the Chris Christie video?
I think I'm feeling a stirring in my "will to power," if y'know what I mean…
Who wants a mustache ride?
A teeny, tiny mustache ride.
You know who else has a Discovery Channel travel show?
The Wisconsin Democrats who ran for the border?
The Third SS Panzer Division has one on History.
Bear Grylls.
Bernal Díaz del Castillo?
Palin? Michael, that is.
Kaiser Wilhelm?
Sharks?
Loves me some Bourdain
Anthony (wow that was interesting, now where can
I get a cocktail ) Bourdain?
WINNING
Anyway, there are a bunch of newly rediscovered Eva Braun photos, wearing blackface or wearing nothing at all, doing crazy yoga on the beach and partying with some gay dudes.
It sounds like Meghan Mc Cain is Eva Braun 2.0 (they took out the Anti-Semitism feature, at least).
Lester Maddox?
Meh, it would be a short honeymoon.
Natürlich hab ich leider recht,
Die Welt ist arm, der Mensch ist schlecht…
Wer wollt auf Erden nicht ein Paradies?
Doch die Verhältnisse, gestatten sie’s?
Ach du grosse scheisse.
…dann machen sie vielleicht heraus ihr Beefsteak Tartar!
(for the troops, dontcha know)
…So schon ist's im Hofbräuhaus!
Okay, so Google Translate is failing me on this whole thread. Something about paradise in steak tartare at the Hofbräuhaus with a holy fat shit?
Eich bein ein Berliner?
http://rutube.ru/tracks/1695228.html?v=4436d4c2ff…
And you know who else liked to perform in blackface?
Huh, it doesn't really work as well in reverse.
Ted Danson?
Michael Steele?
Al Jolson?
Colin Powell?
Cristinia Aguilera sans actual black face paint?
Sometimes, bullets and cyanide can be deployed for a greater good.
"Braun with two women and a person dressed as a polar bear in the Bavarian Alps…"
Pre-Appalachian Trail genius.
This is good news for Pedobear!
So THAT is where PedoBear came from…
Weird. Most Nazi Furries are Foxes or Wolves, I was pretty sure.
#reallywhydoiknowthis
They had furries back then, too!
Aaannnddd we come full circle.
You know who else had/has a black Scotty dog?
The other Nazi. Dubya.
Leave the dogs out of this. Dogs are good and pure. They see value in even the shittiest, most terrible people.
And, they can lick themselves in their privates.
Why dogs lick themselves in their privates?
Because they can do it!
I knew this guy once, who could… I might not type any more of this comment. It was a "you had to be there" sort of thing.
FDR?
Uncle Moneybags (The Monopoly dude)?
Or maybe William Powell and Myrna Loy? (True, neither black nor Scottish, but a terrier, and darn cute)
Yep. The first thing I think of when I see all these old Nazi photos is "mixed race Democratic President"
Wow, this is a bold post. Not that I didn't find it funny, but, wow, bold.
The trolls are gonna have a field day with this one.
Kudos to you sir!
But the people in this video are speaking German, a known evil language! Except to Pat Buchanan, of course.
But he's Irish!
It simply says, The Bart, the" in German.
She was more American than you think. Wasn’t Adolf her cousin?
Glenn Beck is going to have an entire segment devoted to this. This gives us the proof we've been waiting for about the President's birth certificate, and the caliphate in Kenya. It's all connected. All of it.
You know who else killed their girlfriend/wife?
Newt "Serial Adulterer" Gingrich, FTW.
Cheryl Crane, oh wait she killed her mother's (Lana Turner) boyfriend (Johnny Stompanato).
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cheryl_Crane
Joe Scarborough?
Emperor Claudius? King Henry VIII?
Vinko Pintaric?
OJ?
Spade Cooley?
Wow …. so today's the day somebody referenced country-western star Spade Cooley beating his young wife to death at their Mojave Desert ranch (near Roy Rogers' place).
Spade to his daughter: "You're going to watch me kill her."
Before that happened, as you know, he was the king of LaLaLand. Personally I don't think his musicians hold a candle to the Playboys but the singing is slicker. The accordians are cool but the harps are a bit too much.
You've done the world a service with this mention!
William S. Burroughs?
Ray Lewis?
I'm sorry. The correct answer is Rae Carruth. We were looking for Rae Carruth.
No idea whatsover.
Glenn Beck has never denied doing so.
I gotta have a pair of them bib overall short pants that Eva-molester is wearing.
I believe they're called pedohosen.
snort
Eva's leather-daddy. Probably literally.
There was a blonde in my church youth group that wore hot pant overalls. I remember having distinctly un-holy thoughts about her. But then again, I was an Episcopalian. Had I been a Catholic it would have been de rigeur.
Wait, how is Todd like Eva? Eva shaved, at least.
Finally, proof that Germany is indeed a land of chocolate.
Indeed.
The hills are alive…
You know who else has naked pictures of them on the internet?
That's right:
JesusDr. Laura.You better not say "Clarence Thomas."
Please let it be Jessica Alba.
Scott Brown?
Chris Christie?
OK I am not going to downfist you, but seriously, I will need a double dose of brain bleach and an orbital buffer to get that image out of my mind.
Hey, I'm a giver.
There are some perversions even the Internet does not allow.
Your [redacted].
All of them, Charlie.
EVERYBODY!
Almost everyone.
Eva Hilton?
Wow, this is a bold post. Not that I didn't find it funny, but, wow, bold.
That's right:
JesusDr. Laura.Apparently no one loved the Motherland enough to work so hard they'd cheat on their wife with her.
Have they found their sex tapes yet? You know, the ones where Eva liked to dress up as Poland and wait to be invaded?
"Is that a Wehrmacht in your pocket, schatzi, or are you just glad to see me?"
It's twoo . . . it's twoo…..
Paging Limeylizzie…. paging Limeylizzie…
You're confusing Eva Braun with Sandra Bullock.
If my wife could do all that gymnastic stuff, I'd never leave the Fuehrerbunker.
"Die Aristokraten!"
No brain bleach but a new monitor is required after that one. I almost burst a kidney.
You must be as agile and flexible as Eva to manage that one…
Sorry Sarah, but you’re not sexy enough! Also, god, that voice. Even Nazi German sounds better than your weird chalkboard / Minnesota realtor cackle.
Braun/Bachmann 2012. Back to the 20th Century!
I'm surprised this article didn't mention the furry photos, at all.
FUN FACT: Nazi furries are actually a distinct, and rather prolific, sub-genre of furdom. I really wish I did not know this.
Pedobär.
How do you know so much of the nazi furries?
Where do the Nazi furries rank on the Brunching Shuttlecocks' Geek Hierarchy? At least above the Star Trek LARPers, I hope.
Hitler ruined that moustache for everyone.
And "Adolph" as a given name, too, for that matter.
TRUE FACT #1: Vengeful bitterness toward Adolf Hitler for tainting his iconic upper lip was what drove Charlie Chaplin to make The Great Dictator.
TRUE FACT #2: An autocorrect spelling suggestion for a misspelled "moustache" is "moist ache".
Well, that and the fact that Charlie Chaplin was a liberal socialist, and so actually kinda P.O'd about the whole fascism thing.
My spellcheck told me to make "adolf" into "adoph" for some reason, which I of course did without question.
"Ich habe nur Befehlen gehorcht, Euer Ehren."
Eva was shaving down there and that's how Adolph got that crazy 'stache. True, but little known, fact.
It's TRUE!
[NOT SAFE FOR BUNKER]
Except the guy in Sparks
Beat me to it! Sparks sure is an acquired taste in music isn't it? They are still playing to this day from what I gather. I don't think the keyboard player brother is still bestached these days.
That didn't stop Michael Jordan, though.
I realize that it isn't always fair to judge people by today's standards, but, after looking at her in blackface, I suspect that Eva Braun may have been racially insensitive.
Too soon!
"Don't be schtupid, be a schmarty, come und join ze Nazi Party:" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K08akOt2kuo
(no post on Nazi whores can be complete without a reference to "The Producers")
I vas born in Dusseldorf und dat is vhy zey call me Rolf!
Blood libel! Just because Sarah Palin exercises in front of cameras near a lake house she purchased from money made through fomenting racist hatred of a marginalized religious group…wait, what was I talking about? Oh yes, BLOOD LIBEL!
Worst Girls Gone Wild video EVER!!!!!
Newt would hit it.
He would if he felt somewhat patriotic.
I'm not sure, but what I think you are trying to say is that 2011 America is really fucked up.
Gunter Glieben Glauchen Globen
All right!
No serenade, no fire brigade, just pyromania!
Who was holding the camera?
a young spry Charles Krauthammer.
This is just the trailer for NBC's new #1 hit comedy "Zyklon B and Me!" Watch Eva, played by Bristol Palin, as she attempts to sneak into her husband Adolph's zany night club numbers. Hilarity ensues as the clumsy Eva dances in black face and passes out in her own Nazi clown vomit! Fun!
"Zippity do da…………"
ken layne gets the coolest topics.
Benefits of being the boss ….
Once you go Braun, you never go back. Wait, no. Once you go schwarz, you never go Hartz. Um. Once you go black, you never go rückwärts.
I'll try later.
Try "Once you go pink, you never go shrink".
Ken, I hate to be a grammar Nazi, but you misspelled "Adolf".
hahahaha, yes I know, and damned if I can figure out why firefox is telling me to choose "adoph." Is that even a word, in any language?
No, but it is an ironically germane name.
Can you imagine how long it would take to blog (and post to a blog) in those days???
All those 1's and 0's!
I hate Bavarian Nazis.
Ha ha, redundancy.
This was not a topic I expected to be informed about on Wonkette today.
The video clip reminds me a little of Cirque du soleil?
She wasn't a bad looking broad…kinda wasted on Adolf donchathink?
What a sweet transvestite.
Is she really goin' out with him? Is she really gonna take him tonight?
I get all my Nazi/Hitler info from Glenn Beck.
Are you really going out with Adolf?
I never loved Eva Braun (oh no?)
No, a thousand people say I did (oh yeah?)
Yeah, she was just some girl who was on the make (Yes, we see)
Boy she wanted to be so big.
And in the end it got to be a drag,
She's doing her exercises every day
No matter what people say,
I never loved Eva Braun
Eva Braun wasn't history
Wasn't even part of my destiny
She never really fitted into the scheme of things
She was a triumph of my will
From the finest rock band from Ireland…Cheers, mate!
Never gets old. Used to hear that line every other day in 8th grade Social Studies — won't say the teacher's name, but he knows who he is (taught at Frank Lloyd Wright in suburban Milwaukee) — when a picture of a mummy or other decayed/desiccated body would appear in the text. "Looks like an old girlfriend of mine", he'd guffaw.
hmm. i always thought that wonkettizing was the equivalent of scrawing shit on the bathroom wall, with shit. At least that's how I play it…
Has Wonkette turned into the History Channel?
No, we still have actual history here.
Too bad she can't be cloned. She'd be a perfect next ex-Mrs Limbaugh.
Would George Allen call her a macaca when she was wearing her blackface?
He'd just turn it into an endearment, "C'mere my little macaca. Give Daddy a little smoochie."
I'm not sure how to process this information. Is there a "Downfall" parody of it available yet?
"Why didn't the SS guards throw some dead Russian prisoners on her to cover her up?"
Like that?
Must everything relate to Sarah Palin?
If you have to hang out with Nazis, I guess the German ones are far more preferable to the American version.
Especially the ones from Illinois. I hate Illinois Nazis.
No wonder she worked out so much, obviously the Little Corporal was too busy playing war games to give her a good bell-ringing.
I was told there would be boobies. Wo sind die Boobies?!
Aw, that's swee…FASCIST.
I imagine little Eva would have loved Glenn Beck, and Fox News in general.
What the hell was Barney Bush doing in Nazi Germany? Oh…
Some of the comments on the daily mail site seem awfully resentful that this is being reported as news. Am I wrong to find that strange? It's just an interesting look at someone from history after all.
I think Eva Braun may be my landlady. She's German and swims a lot. To whom do I report this information? John Walsh?
Talk about an unhealthy relationship. Hitler didn't know how to quit her, and she obviously didn't know how to quit him.
There are many offensive things about this murderous shitbag, but I've always been particularly bothered by his "marriage." He didn't mind splitting up husbands and wifes and subsequently having them murdered apart from each other, but god forbid he died alone and unmarried, his last selfish act.
What a profoundly sick man and woman, this couple was.
Stop, stop; you're killing me.
I recognized the Beefsteak Tartar line from Kurt Weill, but the rest is a Teutonic mystery.
…by the dashboard lights.
The line about Hofbräuhaus is just part of one of my favorite drinking songs, basically an advertising jingle from the 1930s: "How nice it is at Hofbräuhaus!" (A big brewery in Munich.)
These are about the only German words I know:
Hast du etwas Zeit für mich
Dann singe ich ein Lied für dich
Von 99 Luftballons
Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont
Denkst du vielleicht g'rad an mich
Dann singe ich ein Lied für dich
Von 99 Luftballons
Und dass so was von so was kommt
All the German I know I learned from Return to Castle Wolfenstein.
Haha Sehr Gut! Wunderbar! Ja wohl!
Translated as "99 Dead Baboons"
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